An average run of the mill person gets thrown into the world of Equestria just not quite the way he hoped,now he has to figure out how to be the Princess of Friendship before ponies get too suspicious.
4/5/19: Still working on the story, OC tag was added for a future interaction.
Violence Tag only exists for a battle to two.
5/23/19: I keep adding stuff ugh Buut I might be working on rewriting some of this stuff after posting Chapter 6.
this should be interesting to see play out
I just hope this doesn't end up like the others you know abandoned
9279763
I have plans to keep this story going for a bit of time... but my updates might be a little spacious, i have an extreme case of procrastination.
9279588
I'm trying not to make it generic, but even I don't know where most of the story is going
Don't steamroll so much! You don't have to push ahead in the plot super fast. Take some time to get yourself comfortable, ease the reader into the situation. Do you really think it's a good idea to have a nurse there ready to say "Yup you're fine. Time to get ready to go," before the protagonist has gotten in a single word edgewise? I mean maybe Equestrian medical care is just that bad, but...
I left a constructive comment on this chapter, and you found it very insightful. Everyone was really impressed.
Don't just explain what's going on. Describe how the nurse pony acted when she hoped it was due to temporary amnesia, and leave it unexplained. If you still feel like people are going to be lost if you don't explain, then describe more.
Also you missed an opportunity there.
9282481
Thanks for the tips! Although the next chapter should have more conversational aspects, I tried to cut down on explanations to make it easier to digest,Then Again I wasn't really thinking too hard about comedy I'll try to include a bit more
9282517
Don't worry about comedy. Just focus on describing in vivid detail what you're gonna explain, until you don't need to explain it anymore.
As interesting as the concept is, it has a little too much telling and not enough showing. The grammar and punctuation needs some work as well.
Like, for instance, these sentences:
Generally you don't use a full stop after a closing quote mark.
This is what's called a run-on sentence. You need extra punctuation here.
Also, I've noticed you've got some trouble with tenses, given that the sentence above is actually in future tense, whereas two paragraphs before:
is in past tense.
Oh, and you move from third person to first person in the last few paragraphs:
this can only end badly and I will be eating popcorn as it does
It is a nice story, but I think you need to proofread more or get someone to proofread it for you as there are some problems. Below is some of the things I found, I hope it helps you a bit.
starry eyed should be starry-eyed also a few capitalization problems.
A few commata missing(marked the places), also a question should end with a question mark, even rhetorical ones "how do you find your way around this place". Also, some sentences are really long, I think there should be a period after "of the first room without falling over". Also an I is not capitalized.
Again a few punctuations missing, commata except after "subsided" and "responded" it needs periods. It should be its and not it's and capitalization is missing on the "or".
I few commata missing, also it seems a word is missing between "truck" and "my thoughts". Also,".." should be either an ellipsis or a period.
Again needs a word or something in between, probably "[...] weary as she began[...]" and "[...]a halt. Then her hoof touched[...]". If a sentence has 9 different verbs it is probably run on a bit too much.
What happened to starlight
9401395
Who knows
9401838
I was kinda hoping you would say she went to sleep
Kinda like this story, please keep going.
I feel like pinkie pie knows
9470058
She does have a track record of knowing things she shouldn't
9470059
Exactly
9470062
We shall see where the story goes! I won't be telling so soon.
9470063
Accept in the next chapter
9470086
How did you know?
Did Trixie tell you?
9470087
Yes
9470094
Rats. Now I have to scrap the entire story .
9470096
I won't tell anyone
Your doom twilight
9597036
I wonder how he gets out of this one.
9597045
By being the purple smart
This is a cute story so far. Just a heads up, you switched from third person to first person near to the end of the chapter. Other than that, I'm eager to read more!
9643746
Thanks, Sorry for the late reply I've gotten a Job recently and haven't had as much time to write, couple that with some writers block and yeah... but I will work on getting something out by next Monday so Keep an eye out for it.
This is an amazing story! I really liked Chapter 1.
10168192
Thanks! 030
Neat
10168200
It is indeed very neat.
I am going to read this hoping it will continue soon and you'll start to upload more.
(I don't like waiting a year for more chapters, thanks!(I didn't mean to sound snarky or mean, oops!))
10168227
Yeah sorry! I was so in my own head I didn't even notice it was almost a year-long wait. It blew my own mind too! I plan to keep it more regularly updated again
10168238
thx, i just read them all!!ยก!
theyre pretty great, worried on the sombra eyes
Interesting. So a human is dripped into Equestria, in the body of a major heroine, while Sombra is on the loose. Leaving her without combat ability or really any skills until she is able to re-learn her body... Who knows, perhaps the real Twilight is somewhere around as well, a shadow...
This is intriguing! Great work!
10168238
And then you cancelled it. So much for those regular updates then.
I hope you post more of this story someday? You've got some fun ideas here. Thanks for writing.
I tried to like it but I can't enjoy reading it compared to the original
did they change places?
Glad to see you back.
Are you a time traveler by any chance, it's weird seeing these chapters in such different release date or maybe your renewing your chapters
This first chapter beats the new first chapter. No huss, no fuss, only purple
Funfact: in some languages(at least in russian) "it's purple for me" means "I don't care".
ZzWRRG