This story should be seen as an event that happened before Big Mac met with Sugar Belle.
This is my first contribution to the fandom.
I mostly write for fun. So thank you for reading. Let me know if you spot some errors
Writing for fun and to sometime get lost in my own world building
This story should be seen as an event that happened before Big Mac met with Sugar Belle.
This is my first contribution to the fandom.
I mostly write for fun. So thank you for reading. Let me know if you spot some errors
A nice story. Indie feel like it de0ragged on just a little bit in the parts leading up to the second visit to the orchard, but a nice reminder that sometimes we just need a little peace and quiet.
9891741
thanks for the feedback and the read as well.
I'll try to keep that in mind in the next one.
be safe :)
Y'know, I was expecting some rookie writing skills. But Holy Shit! it wasn't and it has an indie feeling to it, as well peace and plain ol' shipping.
In fact. Have a fave!
10148933
Thank you so much for taking time to write a feedback. It means a lot when I someone tell ke they enjoyed my story.
Have a great day :)
"...in the heart of the fashionista."
Semicolons are used to combine two independent clauses that are closely related to each other. The second clause you have, "Sweet Apple Acres", is not independent because it cannot be a standalone sentence like the other clause. Therefore, it is a dependent clause. I would recommend replacing ";" with ",".
"... courteous visit..."
Is "on" the best preposition for this sentence? I would recommend "after", but I think my argument is more aligned to style and perhaps not to grammar?
I don't think I understand. Did Rarity interrupt her own discussion? In what way?
"...preferred to hurry along the path..."
"Applebloom and her two friends..."
"So there was only Applejack, Big Mac..."
"Ya're not feeling well, Rarity?"
"...Rarity whispered to herself."
"...speaking about it will definitely ruin it..."
"...led her to the last place left to visit, the barn."
"...and if Rarity was to choose this path,..."
"...a very normal apprehension surrounded her heart."
"Not under these circumstances,..."
Wow, this story was true to the genre of Slice-of-Life. I honestly thought there was some romance coming along. I agree that silence can be a blessing when trying to find peace in mind. Those can really be hard to come by due to the constant call of work and the uproar from family members and/or roommates. Everyone needs it every now and then.
Though I have to ask, why were there "-" before each dialogue? Is that a format you like to have in your dialogues? I'm just curious.
Also, I noticed that this story used a lot of vocabulary (plenty I had to look up myself). I give you props in expanding your knowledge of words, but I would advise being wary of not using too much as it may bother a general audience that may not be as savvy with them. It's not a bad thing to use simple words every now and then.
10178160
Wow. Thank you so much for the read and the tips and correction you provide. I'll make sure everything will be corrected in the next days.
Also, about the vocabulary, I wrote the story in french then put it through a translation website. That's why some of the vocabulary might be a little bit off.
and the ''-'' before each sentence will be removed. It was a mistake from my part. It's going to be like my other story.
Anyway, thank you for your input. I will make the necessary changes soon.
Have a great day