Flash Sentry struggles to adjust to life in Ponyville, after a tough break up with Braeburn.
An entry to the M/M shipping contest 2023.
Flash Sentry struggles to adjust to life in Ponyville, after a tough break up with Braeburn.
An entry to the M/M shipping contest 2023.
Hey all, thank you for reading. This isn't just my first piece on this website, but actually my first attempt at writing anything. I say this to illustrate that any criticism is very much welcome; the more brutally detailed, the more it will be appreciated.
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hey, congrats on taking that first step! there is a lot of great stuff here, good imagery and voice. you definitely have the base skills to hone into something great. i am going to come back to this to leave a more detailed analysis when i have the time after the weekend, but i just wanted to drop an encouraging word for now!
Best of luck on your future endeavors Mr. Simpson.
You've captured a remarkably mournful tone in this piece for your first endeavor into fiction writing; I'm impressed! I feel that your choice of using an epistolary framing really supported where your narrative voice feels comfortable, settling in a place that's very sincere and pensive, as far as I'm able to glean from this sole example of your prose. You've got a great handle on some strong choices of description and figurative language, too. I'll highlight a few lines I really liked:
Lovely stuff.
I also really enjoyed how each chapter diverted into those short passages of dialogue. It evoked the dreamy feeling of a memory, almost as if the reader was present in Flash's head as he was writing, no longer merely following the words he wrote on paper, but present in the state of consciousness he occupied as he composed these letters.
The vagueness of what occurred to bring about the end of his relationship with Braeburn led me to be completely blindsided by the reveal. Your allusion to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy hit me like a truck. The way you wrote that passage was devastating. And for a subject that reflects deeply painful real-world prejudices, I feel like you addressed it with care. Flash's expectations leading up to his admittance and his reaction to his superior's response were very authentically emotional and human (I say without irony in spite of them being ponies).
I usually don't like to muddy up comment sections with editing suggestions, but since you've openly asked for feedback, my primary bit of advice is in regard to brushing up your technical skills in grammar and punctuation. There were a few passages where you used a comma, rather than a period, to join a line of description with a line of dialogue. Here's an example:
This line should be:
If an action proceeds or follows a line of dialogue, it ends in a period. If a speech word proceeds or follows a line of dialogue, then you can use a comma. Here's where a comma would fit in this example:
And here, for example, is where you utilized this grammar correctly:
It's really a habit that develops over time and I'm confident you'll get the hang of it as you continue writing! Which, I hope you do. If it brings you any amount of joy to be creative, keep at it. I can tell you've got a natural style that is well deserving of some nurturing.
love this paragraph, really establishes so much about Flash Sentry’s personality
ooh yeah, that is interesting, how Flash’s life is entangled with both Twilight and Applejack in different contexts here
just love the sheer awkwardness of all this
ooh, love this oblique connection that brings Flash Sentry and Braeburn to meeting! and Flash Sentry being of the same social class as Shining Armor makes sense given his position in the canon
as someone who loves trains i disagree, but can appreciate how beautifully the wrong thought is expressed
i think Flash is on to something here
love how out of pocket this is
love that these terrible jokes are their chemistry
the theme of ponies finding their own connection to family lacking compared to tight-knit clans like the Apples is a common one, and good
oof! love how the train imagery comes back from earlier as well
hey that’s the name of the story! and yes, those are all wonderful things to miss, very sweet start
oh boy, love how much this tells about where Flash’s life is now. really makes me wonder what happened, and love how the “old guard uniform” and “old family mirror” make clear which pieces of his life that he has lost along the way somehow
definitely a darker but more realistic take on that whole retirement village concept from the canon!
ahaha i just love this conversation! these are great little peeks into how they are together
and oof, the sad consequences of a homophobic Equestria
love how pegasus this imagery feels, very fitting for the thoughts of a pegasus
heartbreaking and relatable
ooh, love the imagery here
those ponies sure do love apple theming wherever possible!
love this hint that Flash isn’t as past his prejudice against country ponies as he might have thought
i would be very disappointed in Applejack if there were!
oof, very sad to see such homophobia in Equestria :(
and augh, one more beautifully rendered emotion before the end. with all the apple stuff the taste metaphor fits really well
and of course their story together must end with a train away just like it began with a train to! i mean i know that’s just logic but i like it
really loved this! i enjoyed this quite a lot, and there were many beautiful bits that i pointed out earlier. Flash and Braeburn’s contrasting characterizations and backgrounds were also really well-rendered here, and i’m especially impressed by how complete Flash feels as a pony fleshed out from the little canon details that we have.
as for criticism, one thing that took me out of it was the logic of the format. i enjoyed the story that the letters told, but it really didn’t feel like how the in-universe Flash would write to in-universe Braeburn, recounting bits of conversation they had as if one were writing prose and all. but you have a really great talent for prose, and i am honored that you chose your first story here to be an entry into this contest. thank you for writing, and i hope that you keep writing!
This story meanders, but does it right - on a second reading all the little random details come together to make so much sense - the desperation of love; the deadening of heartbreak; and the letters with no reply. I'm sure it doesn't take everyone a second reading, though, hehehe.
It particularly sticks the landing in the final chapter. Others have said this, but the reveal of how Flash lost his position in the Royal Guard was a gut punch. That, coupled with the cold realization that there was nothing left between Flash and Braeburn to break off, certainly earned the Sad tag.
An engaging, emotional story. Thanks for writing it!