AMICITAS FLIGHT THREE – MISSION DAY 185
ARES III SOL 184
Dear Xavier Bustamente,
I suppose I should be honored that you dedicated your grand slam homer in the top of the seventh inning to me. Appropriate, considering that the ballpark that you hit it out of declared yesterday Mark Watney day. And I’m sure you had the best intentions in mind.
But the fact remains that you are a Houston Astro, and the ballpark in question was in Chicago, and the pitcher wore a Chicago Cubs uniform, and that the Cubs went on to lose that game 9 – 4.
It is therefore my duty, as a native Chicagoan and a lifelong follower of the Cubs through good times and bad, to tell you to take your stupid grand slam and shove it up your ass.
I do this with reluctance. I mean no personal disrespect to you, as I am sure you are a worthy soul without a trace of malice or ill will in your body, but my sense of loyalty to the home town team demands it.
Nor do I wish to seem ungrateful. If, today or tomorrow during the remainder of your visit to Chicago, you should hit a pop fly to center field for an easy out, please feel free to dedicate that to me instead.
Alternately, when the Astros visit the Cardinals in July, feel free to hit all the grand slams you want. I suggest dedicating them to (in order of rank) Cherry Berry, Starlight Glimmer, Fireball, Dragonfly, and Spitfire. Once you’ve scored those twenty runs off the Cards, if you are still inclined to honor me, I will gratefully accept any further homers you claim from their worthless asses.
Looking forward to seeing your team face my Cubbies in the World Series.
Sincerely yours,
Mark Watney
Dear Mrs. Rowling,
Thank you for your letter asking us how we like your stories. Thus far we are generally enjoying the Harry Potter series, though at present we are reading through what seems like a terrible time for young Mr. Potter.
We appreciate how the complexity of your story grows with each volume, encouraging us to expand our understanding of your language.
But I just wanted to point out one thing: unicorn blood does not have the properties you ascribe to it. Although we are magical, we are not natural healers, nor can our bodily fluids thwart death. I understand you had no way of knowing this thirty years ago when you wrote these stories, but I hope you will add a note in future editions correcting this. It would ease the minds of unicorns who might visit Earth in the future.
Also, phoenix tears do not cure petrification. If a basilisk or cockatrice turned a phoenix’s friend into stone in our world, the phoenix would perch on the creature’s back and peck its head until it agreed to restore its victim. Or, failing that, the phoenix would go get Fluttershy, who would either shame or out-stare the basilisk or cockatrice into submission. In no case would a phoenix cry. Phoenixes tend not to be, as Ron Weasley might say, soppy.
Thank you again for your letter and for all your work creating this beautiful legend.
Sincerely yours,
Starlight Glimmer
(P. S. Most spells don't require any spoken focus. And those that do don't care if the words are pronounced correctly. Magic is all about intent, not diction. - S. G.)
Dear Entranced on Earth,
My name is not Abby. I don’t know who she is, but if you wanted to write to her this wasn’t the email you should have used. I’m pretty sure she’s not a bug-pony, anyway.
But since you seem to know you were writing to a bug-pony stranded on Mars for some reason, and since I have nothing to do today, here’s my best answer to your question.
I am not much good at giving advice about love. I don’t make love or encourage love. I only eat it. If you want I could forward your question to Princess Cadence, the allcorn Princess of Love (or, as my queen calls her, the Princess of Food- it’s a bug-pony joke).
But my best advice, as someone who has observed a lot of pony relationships, is: ask him out, already! His silence might be lack of interest, but it might also be shyness, or simply that he has other things on his mind. You aren’t going to know unless you find out!
Yes, he might turn you down, but that can’t be helped. Rejection is a fact of life (especially for bug-ponies- most ponies find us kind of scary even now). But right now, by assuming his rejection, you are actually rejecting yourself. Let him make the choice, and quit imagining things. Real love is more delicious than imagined love, and more filling.
My friend Mark just read this and said I shouldn’t pass it on to Princess Cadence because it would “set a president”, whatever that means. I’ll have to ask Starlight about that one. Anyway, good luck!
Dragonfly
Dear Wang Zhu Tao,
I have family at home. My mother worked hard to build a large hoard for us. If she thought you were trying to take her place she would come to this world and burn your house down. So it is better we just be friends. Friends do not have their mothers burn their friend’s’ house’s down.
Fireball
To Lt. Gen. Marcel Blankenship
Sir;
I can not accept your offer to join your “Thunderbirds” team. I hold a job under our princess for our kingdom, and it would be wrong to serve another.
I am honor by your offer. Major Martinez tells me of your history and fame. But one mare can not serve two princesses.
Respecting you,
Spitfire
Major, Pony-land E. U. P. Combined Forces (Air Guard)
P. S. Starlight Glimmer helped with this response.
P. P. S. Fuck the Blue Angels, sir. Major Martinez also told me about them. If the Navy wants to fly, give them blimps.
To: the J. M. Smucker Company of Orville, Ohio
Gentlemares,
Yes, I like cherry preserves much. I would be glad to say your preserves are the best. I only ask one of two conditions before you can say that I said so.
You can send some of your preserves and some of your competitors preserves to Mars. I will taste them and pick the one I like best.
Or you can come get me and my friends and bring us to your store, where I will taste your preserves and your competitors preserves and say which is best. If you cannot come yourself, just send a ship and I will fly it back. I get good at flying your ships.
Let me know which it will be. I look forward to tasting cherry preserves and lots of them.
Yours,
Cherry Berry
P. S. Any preserved cherries will do. I like both sweet and tart.
That Harry Potter one lol
Their English has improved dramatically. Wasn't it mandrake potions that cured the petrified people? The tears cured the venom if I'm remembering right. Correct me if im worng though.
Edit: spelled the word "wrong" wrong. Im leaving it because it's funny.
Chalk up another great moment for Spitfire.
Also not quite sure what the whole bit with Fireball was, but I am most curious as to the full explanation. Something was likely referenced that I have no exposure to.
I'm Cherry Berry, and this is my favorite brand of cherry preserves on Earth.
Poor cherry. She really needs her cherry fix, and soon.
i imagine within hours of coming back to an earth like environment, she will be in a cherry induced coma.
Thanks for all the effort you are putting into this story, it always puts a smile on my face and brightens up my day. Do take a day off if it does get to be too much, wouldn't want you to burn yourself out. Have a good night/day!!
As an Citizen of the U.S.A, I support the Blue Angels, and their Air Shows.
on the other hand If a Navy was meant to fly, then they should have been acquiring Dirigibles.
8852161
There's gonna be a collab between GlimGlam and Rowling if they ever manage to meet. I think that they're going to create the Great Equestrian Novel together.
It's going to be like James Michener. But with ponies.
Go Blue Angels. Real pilots land on moving airstrips.
8852171
The Hindenburg just had to go and fuck up airships for everyone. But hey, hydrogen was cheaper. Totally worth it.
I liked Starlight's letter the best. I wonder what J.K. Rowling would think while reading it?
DDDDDAAAAAAAAAMMMNN
Spitefire got balls of steel
Good for you, Starlight. Can't have some strange people trying to 'acquire' things from you when you get to Earth.
8852187
Everythings better with ponies. -DWK
8852151
That is true and I hope that is mentioned tho.
I do wish to instead have clarification on Wang Zhu Tao
8852151
Yup. Phoenix tears were the antidote to Basilisk venom. Mandrake restorative draught was used to cure petrifaction.
Mark remains my spirit animal.
If Xavier has a sense of humour he'll find it as hilarious as I did as start blaming all his screwups against the Cubs on "dedications to Watney" as payback... For the rest of his career, even once Mark makes it back.
8852161
I get the feeling NASA's email server will "eat" that one.
8852205
I seem to remember unicorn horns being a potion ingredient too.
Hah! Cherry's response was just the best!
8852238
Harry's wand had unicorn hair in it I think
8852161
As someone who isn't a fan of sports, let me put it this way:
"I dedicate this act, by which the defeat of your favorite team is made all the greater, to you."
Does that sound like a nice thing to do?
I can’t believe JK Rowling would still be alive in this fic.
8852158
Hey, Ick's probably a professor emeritus by now, but he should still be around. She could try one of his breed of cherry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLv0JIAixcM
8852247
Harry's had a Phoenix feather. Unicorns hairs were commonly used though.
And so began the first of many a recurring dream Cherry had about being rescued from Mars by a ship made of cherries sent by the greatest cherry preserve makers of Earth, and flying that ship across the cosmos, eating delicious cherries until either the end of time or until she woke up, whichever happened first.
...I didn't wanna say this earlier, but I suspect that once IT acted on Teddy's order to strip e-mail headers from the press releases, hundreds of nerds twigged to that in a Streisand effect. That would explain how the "Dear Abby" letter got to Dragonfly.
8852283
And then Dragonfly got fat.
Ok, this is the *greatest* chapter of this story so far. NASA is going to express-ship a MAV to Mars just to get Watney off the email server.
Rowling's next book: "Fantastic Aliens and Where to Find Them: Separating Magical Fact From Fiction"
Real quick is it required to read the previous story or can I just jump straight into this?
8852407
I think you will be fine just reading this. There are only 2 main characters that cross over, but they are introduced very well so you will not miss much. But I still highly recommend reading CSP. Maybe read both at the same time, or just the beginning of CSP.
Leaving aside canon Wonderbolts are ponified Blue Angels, what does Spitfire have against them?
8852311
Yes, that's something she would do
Took me a sec to remember the Astros are in the AL now... really haven't followed baseball closely the last couple decades...
...It took longer to explain why I was laughing at a unicorn explaining her issue with Harry Potter's unicorn blood reference to the version of Rowling that exists in the Martian's fictional universe. Fortunately my coworker in question at least knows my interest in the show. Impressive on his part, being in his 50s and kind of redneck, that I don't get any shit from him for it. He's a good guy.
Asking a changeling about love... not that she gave bad advice at all... but that was damn funny, too.
Good, entertaining fluff.
I think Spitfire forgot that she does serve more then one princess.
Luna is not amused.
Very good fluff. I like frickin fluff. Fluff is the stuff! Have a good resting phase.
8852157
Since you beat me to it, I'll add simply that that would be one heck of an endorsement.
8852440
The Blue Angels are Navy, Martinez is Air Force. The Navy likes to crash planes at airshows, the Air Force does not, and most importantly, Spitfire is not in the Navy, and interservice rivalry knows no universal bounds.
8852171
As a citizen of the US I like the US Air Force Thunderbirds more than the Blue Angels because they do a better show and are many times less likely to crash in the middle of it. Navy flyers exist out of neccesity, not rational preference.
8852191
Real pilots flare when they land and can land in crosswinds. And slam into the ground as infrequently as possible.
Holy run-on sentence, Batman!
RoasTED, courtesy of Spitfire. Now, inb4 she actually gets to see the two teams perform and her opinions of them changes...
A completely unrelated thought: can you imagine the damage Flim&Flam can do if they gain the forbidden knowledge of multi-level marketing? Especially given ponies' inherently social nature. =)
8852161
I personally read that as teasing. Mark doesn’t hate him, but he’s a Cubs fan and the dedicated GS was against his home-team. It would be like dedicating a 21 gun salute to an anti-gun march. It was likely done with good intentions but not everyone pays attention to details before making public statements. I don’t see the player taking it badly though.
Its like listening to a Jasper Carrot Reads comedy sketch.
Wonder whay Spitfire would say on being told an RAF crew heading to Black Buck, took a blind, virgin run down the Grand Canyon in a low manouverability nuclear bomber. Vulcans cant pull 3g. Then again, Vulcans were 617, and they have The Trench Run to uphold.
Well that was fun, but the letter to our lovable firebreather left me the most curious. I assume something was lost in translation... also was that the first interdimensional threath ever made in the known history of the Universe i see there?
8852201
"EEEEE they like it they like it they like it~!"
Then she'd make that note about unicorn blood, but leave the magic the same. Rowling tends to be fairly rational in that regard.
8852687
From the context it looks like either adoption or a dating proposal. Or spam that slipped through.