Houston, Houston; We have an Incident

by Kentavritsa

Orbital Incident: 2

Author's Note:

Sequin Star's POV

”Do you see what I see?” I asked my fellow crew members in a general, open question.

“I don’t know if I like how that came out, but if it is a dark shadow hiding the Moon, I fear it is what I see too!” Pilot Dawn Walker responded.

“I left my Marine Biology classes behind when I signed up for the NASA program, I don’t regret that for an instant. I guess the Marine Biology is regretting my leave?” Engineer Smith pointed out with some irritation to her voice.

“So, are we all seeing this black, iridescent glowing Manta obstructing our Lunar view?” Communications officer Ruby inquired with urgency.

“I wish I could have denied, but I fear that would summon what we are all seeing!” I responded with a flatness to my voice.

“For now, it is probably wiser not to say anything to Ground Control. Even if we are all agreeing to what it is we see, but it is on the far side of Earth. Nothing we say right now will make any difference to the objectives of the mission we are sent to complete. Yet, it may send them tumbling into shock. Besides, it may tarnish or even destroy our respective positions and careers. What good is that, before we can say anything tangible?” Ruby summarized the situation with all required clarity.

“Then we continue with our mission as planned. Just keep an eye out for any development on the alleged vehicle we observed. There is no point in any further distraction from what we have at hand!” Commander Amy Forthright declared in her usual authoritative voice.

---

“They are still continuing with their intended mission, which is good. We are merely here to observe!” Commaner Twilight pondered, speaking mainly to hear herself paint the scenario before herself.

“Just how long will it take them to discover us? Even if they do complete the tasks of their initially intended mission first, but they are bound to find us even here!” Ditzy responded.

“I could attempt to move us out of the line of sight, but this would require for me to fire up the engines in order to move!” Pinkie Pie, the Pilot suggested.

“If they have not yet seen us, they are bound to notice it, when you fire up the engines!” Engineer Applejack prompted sternly.

“By no means, start the engines if there is any chance they may detect them at this point!” Twilight prompted in no uncertain terms.

“Aye, Aye. Ma’am!” Pinkie responded, as she opted to keep the engines clearly off line until further notice.

“They are clearly in communication with their ground base. I need to listen in, in order to determine exactly what they are talking about. If it is merely a status report, or if they are alerting their command about us!” Com Officier Rarityinterjected politely but to the point.

“Monitor them, but do not engage before I give the word!” Twilight prompted.

“Aye, Aye. Will do!” Rarity responded, turning back to the sounds in her head phones.

Applejack, the engineer was idly eyeing her colleague Fluttershy who had nothing to do at the moment.

“I hope they move out of sight soon, so we can make the intended adjustments!” Recruit Ditzy pondered.

---

“Funny, they don’t move. What could they possibly be doing there? Are they observing up, or do they expect something to happen?” Walker pondered in a more annoyed tone of voice.

“Not sure I want to know!” Smith returned, as she noticed the tone of voice.

“Keep an eye open and let me know the instant they do anything. We work on the assumption that they are there, for now. If they don’t do anything, we could as well finish the mission!” Amy pointed out.

“Makes sense. If they do anything I can report back, I will let you know. If there is anything I will also report back to Huston, and ask for further instruction, but only if I have anything I can forward!” Ruby responded.

---

The lunch-break was just over and the technicians came back from their break. There was just the one face lit up, watching the communication, even though the channel was dead and quiet at the time. She had to be there, just in case. Naturally, she knew the links by heart. All the various specialist groups. Even the mess hall, in case of an emergency.

“The line is still inactive, nothing to report!” Com Officier White responded.

“As long as you can see the transponder beating properly, they are not expected to keep the line busy, unless they have something to say. I expect the next report in about an hour, when they are to report the status of the project, according to estimated conclusion of the next task!” the First Technician countered in bemusement.

“The transponder is beating a steady march, loud and clear. We are not expecting anything out of the ordinary, thankfully. Wait, I have the Lunar Observatory on a separate frequency. They have apparently spotted an unidentified vehicle moving close to them. We need to instruct the observatory closest to them to zoom in on the position, just to be safe!” White pointed out in a sudden spurt of activity, reading the coordinates and send a message to the observatories that were available.

“We just picked up your request, zooming in on the coordinates now. I hope you have something interesting for us. Our time is expensive and precious. Did you say that the object of your interest is within the Luna-Earth System?” came the first response from the observatory.

“Thank God, you could respond with haste. The Lunar observatory reported a sighting most recently. Even if the report is inconclusive, but it is of the uttermost import and the highest priority to have it confirmed. This isn’t merely a wayward Asteroid or Commet, is it?” White responded.

“Our preliminary report stated that it is not a stellar object of any kind. This is a vehicle, a spaceship, as it were. It isn’t of Earthern origin. There is something about the design that gives a shill to the bone. It is a Manta, close relative to the Shark, but this is not a fish, but a ship!” came the response from the observatory.

-- ---- --

Comments

[Kentavritsa]

5976864 I could use some help with these issues, I just eed some help pointing out what the problem are and how to corrext them in order to amke the story flow as intended.

I'm no grammar expert, but I don't think that's actually a complete sentence. Where's the verb? In fact, the phrasing here feels like you're trying to be very complex and high-brow without the skills to actually pull it off, which results in some very awkward writing.

I think Forgotten is the verb here.

This also has the effect of messing up some of the characters voices. I mean, look what's happened to Applejack:

Correct or not, but I think this is referring back to the scene in the Premier episode where they traveled to the Village.

Does that really strike you as something she'd say? You're using some very annoying phrasing all over the place, too. I think you're doing that thing where you're desperately avoiding the word 'said' and it's making stuff like this (see below) happen all the time.

Maybe I am working a bit too hard in my effort to avoid a few words in order to add more details in nounces? I guess I could use some hlp with these things, if you or anyone else could suggest a better way to get at what I had in mind.

In short, I think that your best bet is to reduce the writing to something much, much simpler instead of forcing yourself to write something complicated. It's too stylized, and I don't think you have the skills to pull that off right now. It becomes very uncomfortable to read, and whatever story might be there, It's being ruined by how it's presented, in my opinion.

I had been waiting for inspiration and ideas for a good while, before I actually wrote the chapter in the hope that I could make it pass moderation. If this is why it got the way it is, I hope the next chapter is better. On the other hoof, I am going to adjust and correct what I find, when I do find anything I can make better than it is at this time.

[dukesofhazzardftw]

You need an editor. Where do I sign up to help you? This story has some potential.

[Kentavritsa]

5980224 The best place to go over the details would be the PM.
Aside from that, thanks for mentioning.
I hope I can manage to keep the story going with at least the same quality as it has now.

[HapHazred]

5980046 I think 'forgotten' there is an adjective. To be correct, the sentence would have to be 'the shock over the table was long since past and forgotten'.

I could see the reference to the show, and where everyone was afraid of the Everfree, but that voice did not sound like Applejack. That's the matter that I think is problematic. It's quite important to be able to recognize characters due to more than just their names.

Also, 'Orbital Insident' is spelled 'Orbital Incident'. You might want to consider spellchecking your title.

If English is your first language, I'd recommend you try reading this aloud before publishing. It's a strong method of self-editing, since you hear everything that's wrong as well as just seeing it. Of course, this only really works if you're very comfortable with the language.

[Kentavritsa]

5983854 I saw it as verb, from the act of Forgetting, but from the example, it seems you are quite correct there.
Grammar has a way of confusing me to a point.

I guess I do have some problem with her, particularly when it comes to her speaking part. Her southern dialect and such troubles me in writing, even if I enjoy hearing her speaking in the show. I could take some suggestions as to how to make the message sound more as if she actually said it.

I write in G-Docs, so I need an external Spell Check, but Grammarly seems to have a problem with Capuitalizations. I went over the word without capitalization and got it right, I hope.

Thanks, I guess I need to read the text at least once over again; should tell me a few problems the spell check doesn't give me. Pronouncing it would give a better understanding of the punctuation as well, from what I have gathered.

[dukesofhazzardftw]

5983752 If you send me the chapters to edit before you post them, you should get more likes.