Lost in the mountains and on the brink of death, alone and frustrated, a single human searches for the last of his family. Fate is a fickle mistress though, and even if he fails, perhaps some hope yet remains...
This story is a prequel to the other stories of the "Alfredverse", so there's no need to read them to understand this one. Though, if you want to, here they are...
-"The Night of Truth".
-"A Heart's Warming Eve Gift".
Co-Written by: Bronie312 and AmaranthineDream.
P.S: Usually, I see there's a predominant quantity of dislikes, and I'm curious about everyone's opinion. So, please, tell me... is there something bad with the series I write?
Chapters (1)
Well done.
This was a well thought out and well executed short story.
Keep up the great work
The Monk
“Not telling you too much about humanity's special power, but I can give you a big hint! It is pure, concentrated spite.” -Knight Breeze
10386805
Thank you, though you should tell that to AmaranthineDream as well since she's the one who helped to edit the story and giving it its own essence.
10386855
Don’t worry. I saw, and will continue to check in on this comment section every now and again. Thank you for so kindly thinking of me though. :)
This was very good! I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next!
I have to say, you and AmaranthineDream did a geat job on this story. The atmosphere was rich, gripping, and very naturalistic, the story flowed well, and while there were some grammatical hiccups and the like, they were few and far between.
My only complaint would be that the ending felt weaker compared to the rest of the story, and I’m honestly not sure why Luna suddenly started caring so much about the alleged last extant human when she was rather dismissive of him before. Also, I wonder, why didn’t the sisters at least somewhat acknowledge the carnage in the shack? It sounded like something that’d be impossible to miss.
Thank you for this read!
10522661
Who said they didn't see that? Everything's told from Alfred's perspective, so that detail isn't too much talked of; also, that's the reason for them being defensively at Alfred - in the beginning -, because they thought it was him who had kill that poor family.
Besides, if you wonder how is it possible for this universe to be so darker, then... let's just say I believe there's never a happily-ever-after life, you know.
10522883
I haven't said that they hadn't seen that, just that it wasn't conveyed how--or if--they reacted to it, which is something that I'd expect Alfred would notice, regardless of if it was a startled gasp or cold ignorance. Given his state, I'd expect him to be rather shaken by the latter. The former would then signal that the sisters probably won't kill him, at least not immediately and in such a gruesome way. Either way, it seems like something that'd be worth mentioning. Furthermore, their defensive behaviour is conveyed in a way that makes it seems more like a general mistrust towards humans than them being suspicious of Alfred for murdering the family
Oh, I'm actually fine with this as I like darker and more realistic stories.
10522909
First, now that you say it that way... you may be right.
Secondly, glad to know I'm not the only one.
10522911
No problem. I think there's actually quite a lot of people on the site who prefer this kind of reasonably dark stories, so you are definitely not the only one.
On a side note, this is the first story from this universe of yours that I'd read. Is there another of your stories similar to this one that you'd recommend?
10522918
"The Gala's Night" Recently finished it.
"The Night of Truth" First Alfredverse story, so the narrative quality is way different.
"A Heart's Warming Eve Gift" The Ending may surprise you.
10522922
I'll make sure to check some of them out, most likely "The Gala's Night".
All right, thank you
10522924
It's the longest one so far, and I intend to continue expanding the "Alfredverse" way more than many may realize.
10522927
Noted. And that sounds great!
10522933
It sure will, buddy. It sure will...
Second story on the list completed.
As per the request in the description, I'll offer my thoughts for this story here:
I think the biggest issue (for me, at lease) is the conflict between the style and tone. Lemme explain. The tone sets out a cold and dysmal hellhole where a man is living what he believes are his final moments. But the writing itself is a little too passive for such a heavy moment. It tends to slow the pacing of the story a bit sometimes.
There's a similar issue with wordiness. In this case, it's meant mostly where something is implied, but then stated anyways. Take this sentence for example:
You could cut the everything from this sentence after "heartbeat" and it would still make as much sense. However, the shortness of the sentence would in turn lend some immediacy to the scene. I hope that makes sense.
All in all, the story is on the better side, so don't feel bad about it. These issues I bring up are incredibly complex. Im not sure I know a writer that doesn't struggle with it, myself included.
10715624
Very well, I understand. Though, of course, please remember this one is a collab with another author, so I let her portray her essence as well; I'm not saying it's her fault, only that the writing here is different because of that.
10715860
And like I said, it's still good, so don't beat yourself (or the other author) up.
It sets up a grizzly tone exceptionally well through rather graphic images and visceral reactions. I was rather disturbed by the gruesomeness of it, which means it did its job well. I look forward to checking out the rest of these pieces.
10716207
Yeah, gotta tell you... Alfred has a very dark and tragic past, so... expect some sadness towards him.