PTEK · 10:58pm Apr 19th, 2014
Let's face it; in this fandom, there is a very(semi) real chance you will wake up as a pony one day. If you suddenly find yourselves with a cutie mark, strangely colored horse tail or ears, or you just wake up one morning with hooves and a craving for alfalfa, you'll have a lot of adjusting to do. For this reason, the Pony-Transmogrification Emergency Kit(PTEK) was designed.
If the transmogrification is a widespread event, veterinary supply stores will be sold out within hours, and "pony-specialized" items will skyrocket in price. This guide does not cover any political ramifications of such an event, as that will likely become an argument over "OMG govuhment gonna test on meh." Hiding from your government is also not covered here, but I'm sure several other guides can be found online.
The primary focus of the PTEK is to help hooved sapients live in a world not designed for them. As such, it should work for any hooved quadruped, including ones that weren't transformed from humans, but were stranded on Earth(in this case, you may want a World Almanac or similar general-info publication).
Since the PTEK is designed for general quadruped usage, it doesn't account for a horn, wings, or headcanon. Furthermore, with its emphasis on adaptation, it assumes you will not get magic, grippy hooves, and most grasping tasks will require the mouth. Terran ponies (to differentiate from earth ponies) are generally less than 4' 10" (147.32 cm), so if Equestrian ponies are similar in that regard, there will also be a height difference to get used to.
DISCLAIMER: If you need a disclaimer to figure out this was done in good fun, you need a better sense of humor. However humorous or not, serious thought went into making a pony's life on Earth as easy as possible, and a PTEK will be useful in such an event.
Straws
It may seem like a simple matter to wedge a glass between your forelegs and lift it to your mouth, but the shape of the legs or fur type may make this more difficult. Straws will make sure you don't die of dehydration while you teach yourself how to drink again(a sippy cup may be useful for this).
Styluses
An assortment of styluses will help you interact with touch screens and buttons more precisely than you could with a nose or hoof. Pen-length or larger should be ideal.
Pens
Keep a spare pack of pens in the kit at all times, or you'll never find them when you need them.
Handle Modification
Hooves will not work well with handles, but if an elastic or velcro loop can be fastened to an object, it will become much easier to use without fingers. Feel free to modify anything that will stay in the kit until necessary, but for things you want to still use beforehand, it should be easy enough to apply a dab of glue and a patch of Velcro.
For silverware, invest in a universal cuff or jury-rig your own. It's essentially an elastic or velcro loop with a small pouch that's the perfect size for utensils. They're normally used by individuals with no hand strength, but how much hand strength can you have without hands in the first place? For some foods, you may just want to dig in with your mouth; it may feel undignified, but there are some advantages to having a snout. With some practice, a universal cuff could also assist in writing.
Page-turning Device
Similar to the stylus, but for turning pages instead of poking. A plastic rod with a soft rubber or latex tip would be ideal.
Mouth Shield
This one's a little hard to prepare for, but chances are you will need to use your mouth for a lot of things, especially doorknobs and handles. If you don't mind the taste, great, more power to you. A silicone or rubber oven mitt would be the best option, as it would also protect against temperatures.
Strong Chewing Gum
The mouth will be used for a lot more than eating and breathing. Chances are, you will end up with a funny taste in your mouth no matter what precautions you take. As such, mint or cinnamon(similar concept to why mint is a popular toothpaste flavor) chewing gum is a must have. Honestly, I have no idea why you don't see this in the show.
Insect Repellent
Using it with a spritzer might be difficult, but there are a few other methods out there for keeping insects away, such as traps or torches/candles that produce bug-repelling smoke. You may be able to swat bugs with pony flexibility and not-horse intellect, but horse botflies are more common and widespread than the human ones. Nope.
Door Knob Modification
The previously mentioned oven mitt should handle this situation fairly well until you can get someone to replace doorknobs with a more pony-friendly version. Alternatively, they do make easy-to-install doorknob covers for people with poor grip strength(Your arthritis stops you from grabbing things? So do hooves.)
Grooming
It's impossible to tell how similar Equestrian ponies will be to Earth equines, but it is safe to assume you will end up with a mane and coat of fur. With the coat and mane's texture up to debate, it is best to prepare for several types of hair. At the very least, pack a soft-bristled brush and a hard-bristled brush for the coat, and a wire brush or wide-toothed comb for the mane. More specialized brushes for specific hair types are available, but those options should cover most of your bases.
If possible, also find a curry brush or any other equine-grooming tool that could easily be converted to use on yourself without hands.
It may also be prudent to invest in a hoof pick or similar device to clean the bottoms of hooves in case it turns out they aren't marshmallows. In fact if money is not an issue, invest in a horse-grooming kit, though I don't know how much of it will actually be useful.
Social Network
Arguably the most important item in the list(see, it's even underlined), a social network will connect you with people who are either going through the same thing or can help in some fashion. Unfortunately, it's also the most difficult item to attain. This does not mean finding a chat room or roleplay group. This means setting up contacts for medical or transportation needs, as well as moral and emotional support. If possible, get the framework for a support group in place.
Even if you don't need it, someone else might. If someone gets turned into a pony, they're going to need help, whether or not they want it. The most we can do is have resources at the ready.
Also, invest in an address book to better record the contacts. In the event of an emergency, it is a terrible idea to store all your info on only one thing.
Other Things Worth Mentioning
Females, biologically speaking, either have periods or a heat, unless ponies reproduce through spores and nobody ever told me. It would be in your best interest to find out which "wonderful" process you get to look forward to.
Ponies are adorable. That may come in handy.
Dietary needs are unknown at this time, but the idea of an emergency kit doesn't recommend perishable items. If anything, keep a few vegetarian camping meals with excessive shelf life. If you can still eat meat, even if it's just fish, great. I'm not testing it.
I love it when people put effort into senseless fun posts like these. This was good to read.
2025744 Glad to hear it. Now get packing.
Don't forget universal cuff, in case you want to eat with a fork or any other eating utensils (expect chopstick which is already hard enough with fingers screw chopstick).
2027018 Good catch. I intended to include that under "Handle Modifications" as an alternative to modifying your silverware. Fixing now.
This post is unnecessary! I shall whip you! *Tries to trap whip but fails because of hooves* Damn it! Where's my universal cuff when I need it!
One thing that might happen, (if pony biology works like horse biology) the fandom kind of ...skips over, about sexuality, but that this story supports. Equines aren't human. Humans get sexual cues mostly from what they see. Equines cue on pheromones instead. If a stallion doesn't get a whiff of a mare in heat, he won't want to have sex.
That's fine, because a mare who's not in heat won't want to have sex either.
Either way, if you get turned into a pony, expect to have a lot fewer dirty thoughts.
Except around spring and summer.
2102592 I know a fair amount about terrestrial equine biology. What I don't know is just how similar Equestrians will be to their Earth counterparts. It is entirely possible that establishing themselves as a society altered their estrous cycles over time to the point where it could happen year-round.
Terra Equines' (TE now, because I'm sick of typing it) breeding cycles are keyed to certain times of year because their cycles are triggered by changes in the amount of light individual seasons have.
The "periods or heat" point is a decent way to look at it, but could use some clarification. You can either have a menstrual cycle or an estrous cycle. Periods and heat are just the notable event for their respective cycle. Animals with an estrous cycle are generally only sexually active during the estrus phase (there is evidence human females have a behavioral estrus during a particular phase of the menstrual cycle, but not a true one).
I was not able to find evidence that pheromones trigger a male's desire to mate, only that they signify the female will allow it. TE stallions usually determine that through the Flehmen response (sniffing urine for the pheromones, put simply).
This next part is just conjecture, and the phrase "theoretical psychology" rubs me the wrong way, but sapient species have significantly more freedom from their instincts than nonsapients. There is nothing saying "dirty thoughts" are resultant of sexual desire, and the reverse may also be true. Very few animals have recreational sex, and to be honest, would probably die out if it weren't for the instinctual need to seed. If something feels good, an intelligent species will be able to determine what it was and probably make plans to do it again.
Like I said at the beginning, I don't know how similar EEs are to TEs. I can only go with the most general of assumptions, and there's always the possibility that they might have some sort of cycle we have yet to witness elsewhere. That is why the breeding cycle was under "Other Things Worth Mentioning;" it's good to know and something worth finding out, but beyond the kit's main focus of helping a human-turned-equine (or an equine stranded on our world) function in a world designed for humans.
I'm sorry for the small text. I was taking up a lot of room and haven't yet learned how to collapse text into a box with BBCode.
This seems like the kind of thing that most people would take for granted if they sae it in a commercial, or if it happened to them, they'd just wing-it.
2256595 They only get to wing it if they end up as a pegasus. Still, the info's here, so if you're concerned about it enough to do something, you have something to go off of.
BWAHAHAHAHA!
Sure would've helped to read this a few months ago. Learning to type with hooves was hard!
2365176 I can imagine. Even if it's a little late, there might be something in this information that could be of use.
2365282
None that I can see, me being a unicorn and all. You know, magiks.
:P
2365389 Ah yes, the cheat code to the universe. Still, it might be best to have a backup in case your magic is unavailable or if you're contagious.
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I don't know whether to be more scared that I'll lose my humanity, or terrified that this post was made.
Alright, anyone who's turned into a pony or transformed previously, type "Aye!"
*Crosses arms, glaring behind visor*
Pro Tip: you can use your tongue to operate your smartphone or keyboard. iPhones have a microphone button on the keyboard; if you can hit that once then you can say the rest of what you want to type. I wrote this entire comment using my tongue on an iPhone and it was easy.
I will write a blog post detailing what to do if you turn into a pony without having made the preparations outlined here. I have thought about this for a disturbing amount of time.
2707428 Well, I wrote it. Much less comprehensive than the PTEK, but written with the same mix of good fun and serious thought.