Twilight Sparkle left Equestria willingly one day, leaving only a note explaining not to look for her. Her friends did regardless, causing themselves unfathomable pain. After a decade, they had nearly forgotten about her, moving on; one day, however, a mysterious mare enters Celestia's court seeking an audience. Celestia recognizes the mare under the cloak; it was her most faithful student! She had returned, but how have the sands of time changed her? Is she still the book-loving unicorn they once knew? And how will her friends react to her return from the grave?
The description was edited by jamlamin
6/7/14: This story, after reviewing my own work, I deemed a mess and decided to put this on hiatus a few weeks ago. It's not the writing itself but the story, its not constructed that well, my biggest problem being my AU Twilight is just a poorly thought out, she's suppose to be broken yet I basically portrayed her as OP. I may eventually continue this, but most likely If I did I would just rewrite it.
OK over a hundred have viewed this story and no comments so I guess I'm elected.
There is nothing on your site that mentions your age so I will start with this. If you are in school take this to one of the English teachers, find the one that is known for working with their students, this may or may not be your teacher but most good schools have at least one, the lucky ones have more.
If this does not apply then try the proofreaders group on this site there you will find people who will help you improve your writing. The story has a good start however the errors are going to turn off a lot of readers don't give up, there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed. Good luck and keep trying.
4279452 I`'ll never give up on writing I'm actually here to improve it and yeah I'm pretty young in fact only a freshman in high school, I will eventually look into proofreaders but at the moment I just want to do everything by myself. Also I just can't stand showing any type of work other than what is required to my teachers. Also writing was something I loathed for my whole life until I accidentally lied to one of my friends and got into it about 3 months ago and really made my first stories ever these past few days. So thank you for the comment and the advice I appreciate it a lot!
It's too soon to tell. I will follow this story to see where it goes.
I like the concept here, even if I'm not entirely sure what it is...
While you claim that you expect it to be bad, I have to say there's not an awful lot wrong with it. There's the odd spelling mistake but otherwise it's written correctly.
However it doesn't read very well. It seems a bit off and it's rather confusing to understand what you're trying to get across. I think this could do with some editing and yes you have remarked on it but the chapters could also be longer.
4279686 Lol I got a somewhat similar comment on my other story. Yeah I just was lazy and didn't edit to much other than what my keyboard and auto correct messed up for me and it probably doesn't read well to you beacause I have a horrible habitat of me thinking faster than I type so I backtrack but continue typing and fix the errors my keyboard makes at the sametime while not thing out the story itself too much to me it's readable at the time Im doing it but yeah I get what you mean I'll try to fix it eventually.
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Not to be pedantic, but you do the same thing here. The second sentence of your comment is a paragraph long, with no punctuation. This might be the problem, a lack of punctuation in this story combined with an unusual way of wording a sentence can lead to a confusing read.
I shall continue watching and hope you do well.
Contrary to popular belief the good teachers love to see a student with a brain firing on more than three cylinders. I suggest that you try to overcome your dislike for extra work , teachers or whatever, and talk to one of them, try one of the advanced level ones junior or senior level possibly.
Suggestion only, you do what your comfortable with. Good luck.
despite the errors this was interesting
I think you meant to put know between not and this.
That's what I found. Great story!
Wow, I'm impressed, this chapter is a huge improvement over the last, much easier to follow, plenty of description. Still some spelling errors but nothing major. I'm enjoying the element of mystery you're employing.
If you can put up with some harshness and silly antics, I could edit/proofread for you if you'd like.
4316289 Yeah the first two chapters really only took about an hour, this whole one + the part I didn't post yet took about 3 hours. Way more thought was put into it, especially the beginning unfortunately at the time I still had a ton of homework so I didn't get around to fixing some of the spelling errors. As for your offer I'll think about it. Also I did force myself to remember to put in more punctuation.
I'm not trying to be rude, but you really need an editor. I found so many mistakes it's not funny. Please fix that. Other than that, great story!
4319120 I just did a massive fail, I forgot to save edits I made
so that's basically the raw writing that I posted. Yeah I cave I need an editor. Sorry but I can't fix it at the moment I plan to bandage this story up over the weekend.
There should NOT be a happy ending in this whatsoever. Time does NOT heal all wounds. Hope Twilight can get used to that lonely feeling.
So, you're starting over the whole story? Unless Twilight mastered a spell that allows her to go back in time and prevent this from happening.
4319182 Okay! Can't wait to see the edited version!
4319241 I did it before this like right after I first posted this story but you will just have to wait and see.
4338155 I agree with you my writing is weak, there are a lot of plotholes and things that don't make sense because I didn't build it up, but I'm trying, writing is new to me. Already I'm noticing things that I should add or fix and large improvements in my skill. One day if I continue doing this I want to be able to make these chapters better, but right now I just don't have the ability to do that.
I think I am going to dislike this now. Having Twilight be somewhat friendly with Celestia last chapter, yet having a be a remorseless, murderous psycho in this one? I can not continue and will give this a dislike.
4339418 Okay fine, Sorry you don't like the story.
I hate to be that guy, but maybe rewriting this chapteris needed to keep the story from bombing ( and yes unpublishing a chapter and rewriting it to remove plot holes is best)
oh and I can tear a story to shreds and crush an author's hopes and dreams if asked.
I can also tone it down a bit and tell you what sucks about a story
4340559 I was thinking that instead of that I could explain the library I so vaguely mentioned and do another chapter that is before this one, to help explain why Twilight is like this. If that fails I'll consider doing a rewrite. Also I would prefer keeping my hopes and dreams and for you to just tell me the glaring issues about my story in a private message.
4341818
I'd still unpublish the chapter until you make the library chapter. You'll keep losing viewers until you do that
4348980 Perhaps, while views and likes are an incentive to do this, I'm not here for them, so I don't mind losing them, If people want to unfavorite or dislike my story it's their decision. I do understand the reasoning behind unpublishing the chapter so yes I will temporarily, not to confuse readers when I post the chapter and then repost this one.
I think your grammar is terrible. Otherwise it's a good story.
4373016 Whatever I'm still learning.
dang we got an artist up in here
4374385 Thanks, I hope that gives me some bonus points for the chapter.
they have no fucking idea what they're doing to her....and for that i hope they all suffer just as much as twilight is.
4423289 Omg your someone that commented about the actual content of the story in a positive way.
4423289 My thoughts exactly.
4423322 are you kidding?! i love this story! i don't quite know why, but i love stories where twilight comes back after so long needing their help, and they resent her for some reason. then, at some point later in the story, twilight either dies or leaves again after telling them off about how she needed their help, and they wouldn't give it to her, and so a bunch of bad things happened.
and exiled twilight. i love exiled twilight.
GASP* And Luna comes in to play
Any way I have to get some sleep wich sucks still have two pages of storys to read ...
Awesome story live stories like this with resentment in them so it looks pretty good when is the next update if your still working on it.
4636612 ok, so when is this going to continue?
5377083 I've tried but my dislike has prevented me from actually being able to finish making a chapter. So most likely I won't finish this, although I may end up just rewriting it (I got better at writing) as I have done with my other story (Just never posted that rewrite though).
5377354 well i can tell you with absolute certainty that i would read both of those rewrites if you posted them. you came up with two very awesome stories, and if you found ways to improve them, then all the better!
4423289 Agreed, so much for friendship.
Shit, I'm surpised people still look at this.
Wow friends forgetting her after 10 years not really true friends.. I have friends who stayed my friends even after the 15 years I've been gone in another country when I returned they were happy to see me back
5707401 That's fanfiction for you :P
5708236 ikr
Exiled twilight is best twilight.
5708236
so twilight hasn't slept in 5 centuries (one of the lines at the end of this chapter)? or did you mean 5 decades? are her friends now immortal ? I hope she will get the help, she so desperately needs, before becomes a true monster.
6004184 Honestly I can't remember, I haven't read this thing in forever (Too painful for my eyes). But I can definitely say her friends were not immortal, it was just that time moved faster or something in that library.
Edit: Yep, she hasn't sleep in 500 years, if I remember correctly that was suppose to be important somehow.