- Member Since 1st Mar, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 7th, 2023
The Dazzlings Adagio 1
I am a silly person who has creative writing
The Dazzlings Adagio 1
Joined 1st Mar, 2015 ·
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A few mistakes were made, but they were easily overlooked and it was obviously something you worked very hard on. One plus vote from me.
A few mistakes, but. I'm really good in English, If I do say so myself, and I would love to help you. I shall re-write the story, and message it to you.
Good story, bad grammer, could be better...
5969640
Sorry about my English.
My native tongue is Afroasiatic (African) but I had some help from an American cousin.
I'm not even going to start on the grammar. Suffice it to say that there were mistakes everywhere. It's hard to work in a non-native language, though, so I get that. Still, it needs proofreading.
First off, where the hell is the Dark tag? I jumped into this thinking it was going to be fun. I should've looked at the groups it's in, I guess, because there was almost no indication on the fic itself as to whether this was going to be some fun pseudo-punishment porno or the disgusting rape that it actually is. The lack of a romance tag means nothing. I felt tricked by ambiguity. My own fault for not looking at the groups and seeing it was in the Rape group. My own fault, there. [Dark tag has since been added. Thank you.]
But even with that aside, this is just... bad. These didn't feel like the Sirens we've seen, the dialogue especially. Like, when Adagio started spewing what sounded like street gangsta speak after Aria shoved her, I wasn't sure whether to shake my head in bewilderment or to laugh at the absurdity. Would've been great to see Aria just kick her in the crotch and drop the bitch. Then we get to the punishment, and Adagio grabs a dildo. By this point, someone told me to check the groups, so I knew what was coming.
Here, we find the silver lining to this fic: the fact that the rape is portrayed as utterly horrible. This was refreshing, given that so many stories around here make the victim enjoy it. In this, Aria was a poor girl being abused by her older sister, and I was appropriately disgusted. So there's that, at least.
Overall, this needs work. Interesting idea, what with Adagio maintaining dominance and control over the group through sexual assault (and probably other vicious abuse). But the grammar needs work, the dialogue needs reworking to sound more like the three girls and how they usually sound, and just a slower pace with more details. Like, don't just tell me Aria was afraid, show me how she quivers and how her voice shakes with her fear. How her tears run across her face and begin to pool on the floor as she's violated by her sibling. Stuff like that. Use the words to really paint a picture of what's going on. Just needs work.
>>Little_Draco
*grammar
5970496 Well, I wont be harsh if this is your first time! Remember, here as a brony we treat each other right and you can always ask for help.
5970496 did you by chance edit the story because it seems different from the last time I read it
5974068
Yeah I did just a little improvement that's all.
I think it's admirable that you wrote Aria as consistently not wanting what Adagio was doing. In fics I see all too often a victim of rape being overcome by pleasure and giving in (which seems to be a cop out for the writer to not have to mentally accept the transgression)... and when Aria first whimpers 'please...' I worried it was going to be one of those moments.
I admit I don't care for the content of the story, but that's a personal preference. While I feel a lot of the dialogue (toward the beginning) outside of the main focus of the story are weaker and less believable, some of it makes the more poignant parts really shine. That ending though
--BaroqueNexus 2015
5970679
I respect your comment and I like how you gave me you true thoughts about this story and your right, this story dose need work and I know your not giving me a disrespectful comment but, this is your way of telling me that I need to pay more attention to detail and grammar and I thank you for that. And I will take this comment as a lesson and learn from it.
Well, an interesting story I must say but I really feel bad for Aria for two reasons. A. She is my favorite siren. B. She was brutally raped. What I'd like to see is a sequel where Aria turns the tables and punishes Dagi in her own way.
1. There is a sequel
2. I'm working on a chapter in the sequel where drunk Aria gets revenge........*evil laugh*
time to go bathe in some holy water
I'm totally not blushingBut why would Aria love Adagio when she had just been sexually abused by her