Hi a standard brony gamer who likes a lot of different stuff star wars, pokemon etc.
Matt was just an ordinary guy going to Comic-Con cosplaying as his OC Jedi, Aaz, a half Arkanian Dragon and Human. When he buys a pair of metal wings that look like his OC's from a shady merchant he gets transported to the Star Wars universe and has to relive his OC's life and eventually discover Equus in the depths of wild space.
Set during the Clone Wars. If anybody wants to be my editor or proofreader PM me.
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Well. OC displaced. Never thought I'd see the day. I'd normally be angry over its mere existence, but now I am just numb.
Anyway, short first impressions critique. The way the character is inserted is unique for a displaced story, character is pretty damn Mary Sue, time skip does not really work for it, and it all seems quite rushed. Spelling and grammar is half decent at least. I recommend expanding on the time in between the time skip, and generally adding more information, like how the character is feeling, is the room cold, background noise, etcetera. Not only does it pad word count, but it helps immersion. Basically I'm recommending rewrites while the story is fresh.
Now I will take my leave before the numbness fades, cya.
idea is interesting but that time skip destroys the story in my opinion, i know this site requires the first chapter or so to have something about ponies but thats easily done with PoV changes. switching between events with the ponies and your character. time skips should be avoided for most things, but best practice is to never use them outside of travel/sleep and probably time in school.
6894921
6893342 You guys want a rewrite I'll give you a flipping rewrite!!!
now that rewritten first chapter is so much better and much easier to read through. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not but as i see it, the first chapter can be sort of considered as a flashback. I rather like the idea of these recaps or flash backs happening while he is meditating
his thought about not seeing his original family is a bit out of place, that can be easily confused with him thinking about the family he never knew, its what i first thought until i remembered this was a displaced fic, i suggest you keep such thoughts to his earlier life when you do those recaps.
JESUS CHRIST
APPEAERANCE EXPOSITION OVERLOAD
In all honesty, you don't need a text dump JUST explaining what the character looks like.
Some of the exposition showing the characters realizing they have to go somewhere might have to be cut, since it's kinda unnecessary. Just show some of them at later chapters, or was it bc of the 1000-word limit?
BTW the first paragraph should be something like;
Then you could go on, saying things like
or
or even
Just trying to help you out.
P.S.: Needs moar commas
Is this dead?
7770909 no
K
Ah, finally! A sensible person! One should never have less than four lightsabers (and/or five computer-based communication devices,) on one's person at all times, just in case.
I see what you did there with the dova tongue from skyrim.
7773070
Could have fooled me
Why make it displaced at all?
7773070
Pretty sure it is.