Just One Kiss For Breezy - Rewrite

Agreeing to watch over Fluttershy's cottage for the night, Rainbow Dash plans for a quite evening, just to snuggle up with a Daring Do book and chillax. But with Fluttershy's younger brother, Zephyr Breeze is added to the mix, things become more complicated-

{After almost a year, I've decided it's time to revamp one of my oldest fan-fictions, enjoy~!}

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IDontWatchMLP

IDontWatchMLP #1 · May 23rd, 2019 · 1 · ·

What have you done?

I mean I'm not complaining...

Huk

Huk #2 · May 25th, 2019 · · ·

OK, you asked for feedback, so here are some things for you to consider:

1. Don't mix two characters in a single paragraph. So, instead of this:

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance to her rainbow maned friend, "I know it's a very big responsibility." Rainbow dash waves a hoof.
"Oh please, I got this in the bag!" she says, puffing her chest out with confidence. Fluttershy giggles softly.

Do this:

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance to her rainbow maned friend, "I know it's a very big responsibility."
Rainbow dash waves a hoof. "Oh please, I got this in the bag!" she says, puffing her chest out with confidence.

Or even:

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance to her rainbow maned friend, "I know it's a very big responsibility."
"Oh please," Rainbow Dash waved a hoof, "I got this in the bag!" She says, puffing her chest out with confidence.

This can work if you want to show how one character reacts to the other:

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance, forcing some blush on Rainbow's cheeks. "I know it's a very big responsibility."

But other times should be avoided.

2. Remember: in writing, 'less is more' - you want to give your readers just enough information for them to understand the scene, and let their mind fill the rest. Avoid this:

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance to her rainbow maned friend, "I know it's a very big responsibility."

From the first sentence, readers already know that Fluttershy is talking to RD. Streamline it like this (for example):

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance, "I know it's a very big responsibility."

3. You're trying too much to 'show,' and it breaks the flow of your dialog. You don't have to show every single thing your characters are doing - streamline it:

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance. "I know it's a very big responsibility."
"Oh, please..." Rainbow Dash waved a hoof. "I got this in the bag!"
"Just remember to feed every creature, and chop up Angel's carrots into tiny pieces—"
"Yeah, yeah, like I said, I've got this!"
"R-Right, sorry..." Fluttershy blushed sheepishly. "Just in case you forget anything, I've written everything down and left it on the kitchen counter."

4. Double check for errors! Seriously, you have an error in your very first paragraph, and for a lot of readers that's a big 'no-go':

"Thank you so much for doing this Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said with a soft glance to her rainbow maned friend, "I know it's a very big responsibility." Rainbow dash waves a hoof.

Also, as far as I know, it should be past tense in the last sentence:

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof.

5. As I always say:

https://www.grammarly.com/

and

http://www.reverso.net/spell-checker/english-spelling-grammar/

Are your friends! Don't post the story without putting it through those... Also, if you use MS Word for writing, listen to your story using a text-to-speech engine (Left CTRL + Left ALT+ Space on Windos) or just paste your story here:

https://www.naturalreaders.com/online/

It will help you catch even more annoying mistakes AND to place commas in the right places .

---

Oh, and as for the story itself... One thing that I find unrealistic (OK, it's a comedy, but still...):

"Oh my little Dashie, don't tell me you don't know the shortcut from my sister's cottage!"

Wait, what? How the heck can there be any shorter path than direct path? I mean... they're pegasi and are flying in the air, so... Yeah... You may want to think of a better plot device the next time

Hope this helps

Amereep

Amereep #3 · Jun 7th, 2019 · 2 · ·

Am I the only one that sees potential in this couple?

I mean, out of all the other stallions that she's shipped with, this one is canon. Yeah, it's one-sided and it's just flirting on his part, but that's more closer to a romantic relationship than what I can say for the other guys she's shipped with.

Flora Blossom