Literary Gymnastics
Nurse Redheart walked up to the podium reverently, but with a nagging thought in the back of her mind. Why? Why her? Why was she the most qualified to speak for the death of this idol of the community? All she did was the autopsy.
She approached the microphone and gazed out at the sea of ponies that had come to attend her address. Maybe it was a sign of the failing town that fewer and fewer ponies were coming to these funerals. Where she would gaze out at the crowd, a pony she would have considered a friendly face was replaced by an empty Abyss. Even pillars of the community were moving out of their humble hometown and one could only wonder why?
Red placed down the notes of her presentation and looked to one face she could recognize in the crowd. Anon. He was there. He would always be there. She smiled. Remembering the good times. There was something special about someone who was blindly hated. It helped you keep your mind off of the real problems in the world.
Like the deceased.
“Uhm,” she began.
She mentally kicked herself for doing what she promised she wouldn’t do today. No filler words. Public speaking wasn’t her strong suit. She didn’t want to be one of those people who knew it was breaking some form of rule, but refused to change because it was her style.
“I was asked to speak today regarding the pony whom we are burying. We aren’t sure who the pony is, given their unrecognizable state. However, from the autopsy we do know several things about the subject. And based on several accounts of identifiable information that we did find on the deceased, we asked for stories from the ponies in their life in an attempt to… cover all of our bases.”
Nurse Redheart looked up from her notes to the ponies in the crowd. Many looked in bemusement. Many with a guilty conscience. Many were angry. Still processing their stages of grief and in pure denial that the ride was over.
“According to the autopsy, the pony was unrecognizable due to the 569,373 stab wounds across the entire body. Using DNA evidence, we concluded that there were much fewer than that many individuals that actually performed the deed, and that the sheer number of factors that could have contributed to motive were immeasurable. According to some family members, they preferred to store files in a PDF format, an absolutely unforgivable character trait. Others insisted they were born that way, and that their eventual abandonment by their parents and lack of strong guidance is to blame for their eventual demise.”
She took a deep breath and eyed the crowd once more. There was an unrest building.
“That isn’t to say that hope was totally lost for the deceased. Those who came during the deceased's final moments to visit the unknown pony said that their life was far from over. This too would be just a flesh wound in the grand scheme of things and all we had to do to prevent this was to have a proper conversation. That our community needed better police to finally banish the individuals that could possibly harm our poor friend. Our poor families. Our children.”
“The deceased was the kind of person who always kept going in life. A follower rather than a leader. A Fluttery Pony, who even after they ran out of gas, and their wings fell off, would keep trudging forward no matter how hard things got. For these good deeds, we did everything we could to try and keep them alive. We crowdsourced funding. We advertised ways to make their life better and to try and cure the cancer that was growing inside of them. Some of the tumors were surgically removed, but once a cancer spreads… the battle is almost impossible to win.”
Nurse Redheart sighed and flipped through her notes. Did she really have so few positive things to say? She rose her eyes once more and barely saw any ponies she recognized. In their place, automatons are there strictly to promote their own agenda. Folks that didn’t even speak the language the town spoke. Not that she exactly minded… but one of the laws of the town was to speak English. Bots seemed to be taking over their beloved town. Over long enough of a time, would there be anypony left?
She felt like she was simply performing for herself at this point. Nopony was actually listening. Sure she had the chance to have this featured moment, but so many other ponies were trying their hardest to speak. Some in the crowd had their own speech ready to go and were simply praying for the right set of circumstances to get to the podium, but there always seemed to be somepony else who was a better speaker. And there always seemed to be somepony who was able to rig the vote and get to speak anyway. Some were able to speak because they had salacious details about the deceased’s life. Such not safe for work topics seemed to always have a way to leak out to those who didn’t want to hear it. But at this point, the police seemed to have given up.
Such is life, you suppose.
“We did our best for a pony that was in such poor health. The odds were stacked against them for the sheer number of medical issues with them. We really genuinely tried. But there’s a point where you have to ask… is all of this worth it? Would they simply be better off if they could finally rest? Would fewer ponies be harmed if they could be kept away from their… abnormal private life? Would fewer mistakes be made if their bastions of extreme political beliefs be pushed away? But I suppose that’s a matter of Freedom of Speech.”
“I’m sorry. I feel like I’m just rambling at this point. I didn’t know the deceased personally, but I know many loved… whoever they are, very much. And they will never be forgotten.”
Then, from inside of the closed casket, a muffled cough could be heard.
The crowd roared in applause and swarmed the casket, raising the corpse that moaned in pain above their heads in jubilee.
Nurse Redheart wanted to shout over the crowd. This didn’t mean anything. Sometimes corpses would off-gas and make sounds after life had left the body. But she didn’t want to crush the hopes of the town people. Their hopes were high and their loved one was alive to them once more.
There was no use beating a dead horse.
Thank you Kendrick for the idea.
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wow gay
Never forget when this decrepit website formed a hate mob against Flutterpriest because his name is vaguely similar to Flutterpony. That was actually one of the situations that led to me taking a break from the website.
Putting the "fun" back in "funeral" I see.
11907521
Thanks Jayden777
11907524
...Holy shit, did that really happen!?
11907529
yep. Folks thought I was an alt. Luckily there was enough of a paper trail of me posting greentext on 4chan to prove I wasnt related to FlutterPony.
Wow I hate this. Here's your like. Now go write about Anon doing the dougie on Flutterpony's
graveprofile.I've never published a story on here and even still I feel gaslit by this. Satire at its finest.
Also thanks for putting my old name, you flashbanged me you fucking asshole lol I love it
11907546
Nopony is safe.
Aaaaaaaaaa
I have no clue what this is, but I love it. Easy upvote.
I don’t even know what to say to this other than “take your damn upvote.”
I've been on this site since 2013. The old Conversion Bureau vs Humans Are Superior battles is what made me realize horse drama is stupid, so now I avoid drama like the plague. I'm just here for horse words.
It's a great story but I'm a little lost (I feel stupid) who died? Also what is happening in the "Do something about it" link? I read it but I'm a little lost. I think I would be interested in it but I'm confused.
Edit: I'm actually stupid we're supposed to guess who died? And the link is to a collab where we do what you did but with a different character. I'm gonna go sleep now I clearly need it.
11907531
Oh JEEZ!
Only one idea comes to mind, but it's kinda going back to what would be consider a running joke at this point... It might be worth giving a song a sequel even.
I think the chapter is titled Literary Gymnastics because my brain did literal summersaults trying to comprehend whatever the fuck you just wrote.
Can't stop. Will Never Stop.
11907579
You and me both. I thought it was referencing some old site drama newbies like myself weren't around for but that's...only part of it, I think. The other part is referencing how much the site's changed. Flutterpriest is an oldie, after all.
Hell of a mindfuck either way.
Did new horse drama drop or what's going on.
11907618
so much.
throw the whole site away
11907620
Gimme the QRD. Who got caught diddling kids this time.
...careful, someone might write a diss track against you lol.
What kind of clown site nonsense is happening now?
I'm straight up only here to read.
Aren't meta stories banned on fimfiction?
Methinks the dead horse needed some more tenderizing before serving to the worms.
It is sadly a fact of life that ponies leave to the Everfree Forest, hoping for another dream to pursue.
Or they simply move on ... as in, they move away.
Or die.
How tragic it is, to see how a fandom compresses itself compared to their loftier and more populated past, when posters be abundant, the feedback flowed like wine, and the cringe was real.
All we can do is move forward--ever forward--in pursuit of our own personal dreams, for the stories that will resonate best with us all.
Let us leave a dried flower over the grave, remember their legacy, and keep on wondering just how the hell an entire generation who wasn't the objective audience was drawn so deeply into this iteration of the dreamy setting that is fluffy, cuddly, talkative neurotic equines with their human issues resonating with ours.
And again, I recommend tenderizing the pony before burial, for the worms' sake.
New, damn. I commented on this first thinking it had something to do with a contest. Boy was I wrong.
Is there room in that casket for me? These stroke moments are killing me.
I feel dumb; my account is older than the author's and the only thing I get is "site is kinda ded, we killed it," but I doubt it is all. I didn't get the references (?).
...I'm hoping, like a good song, this story is open to interpretation for the reader/listener about how the site has changed... and not in a good way. In my view, the reason it's not as fun as it used to be mainly revolves around the surfeit of sh*t Anon and/or fetish fics I've noticed cropping up on here compared to even a few years ago, of which at least 95% are IMHO not only creatively bankrupt but always seem to be unfathomably popular.
Even time I glance at the Featured box, it seems half of them revolve around some faceless green goon's nauseous romantic shenanagins or cringeworthy sexual escapades. If other people want to fantasise about ploughing an unreluctant Fluttershy or having 'relations' with foals that's fine, I just wish these affronts to good taste & artistry they weren't staring me in the face every time I logged in. Kinda off-putting to say the least.
Two other unappealing scenarios amongst others I've always struggled to understand the acclaim of among the Fanfiction readership: stories where nothing happens apart from the rather feeble main character is hugged or snuggled to submission (a lot) or where somepony has trouble paying their taxes (these are, unsurprisingly, about as interesting to me as paying my actual bills in REAL life). Yet these off-repeated idea always seem to get thousands of views, regardless of their individual merits or last thereof. Am I missing something? I don't think so.
I've probably got this all wrong and am venting here about stuff I don't like on here needlessly, but this fic to me (and I read it twice just to be sure) seems to touch on the idea that this place isn't as much fun as it used to be to the extent that people are reducing their visits here or even leaving the fandom altogether. Even though the show's been over for five years now there's not much chance in me jumping ship, but I certainly do a lot more writing now than reading. And a lot of that has to do with the reasons above.
Whether these feelings towards the site are worthy of comparison to a worm-ridden corpse I don't know, but whatever the case this story spoke to me in ways which I can't quite describe right now other than to launch into yet another exquisite rant about 'The Good Old Days'. Have an unhesitant upvote, and let's all try to enjoy this place with as much a variety of fascinating stories as long as it lasts (or at least until Knighty decides to pull the funding)
longest and best beating a dead horse gag I have ever read
11907740
You're spot on with that. Especially about the NSFW side of this site.
i.ibb.co/mDQBs8f/No-No-He-s-Got-A-Point-Banner.jpg
For a while now it feels like I've been in a drought, desperately trying to find any new invigorating stories to keep me on the edge of my seat for the next chapter.
But it seems like all that's put out is cheap, quick, sexual one shots about a particular fetish or just another sequel to a long line of erotic one-shot escapade adventures. Now don't get me wrong, some of these authors got some serious talent, like Some Leech. But as of recent, these stories are beginning to feel like the junk food of stories here.
But I can't particularly judge. I don't really write, and when I do write, I don't think it's anything to be praised by. I'm just here for the ride, reading as I go.
11907748
TBH I think some people on here only write for attention instead of the love of the art... they've figured out which topics are popular (usually the sleaziest ones) and constantly return to the same sordid well again and again regardless of whether they actually enjoy writing highly similar stories but with different characters. Cool if that floats your boat and no hating, but I personally could never author something for an extended period that brought me plenty of attention but otherwise left me hollow as a writer.
Ideally, being the greedy person I am, I'd want both... something that simultaneously satisfies my creative urges and is also popular enough for me to bother carrying on with. The genre I find this works best with is HIE, which despite what some people will tell you is WORLDS apart from Anon-related fluff (you want a list of reasons why? I can provide you with plenty, if you'd only ask. Here's one to get you started... Anon fics mostly are centred around a certain sexual or romantic need, whereas HIE can be much more varied in scope about someone adapting to their new life in Equestria. Don't argue, I've been here long enough seen and loads of examples of both to know what I'm talking about
)
Anyway, despite a recent lull in activity, I'm here for the long haul regardless of what FF takes until the sad day it departs this side of the Interweb thingie. Thanks for your reply and have a passable day!
11907748
As someone who recently came back to writing, I spend a long time writing a chapter for a story I feel i've poured so much work into, and it gets barely any time in the featured box before its batted out by an anon story. I mean I shouldnt complain too much, I suppose I had it pretty good back in the day... but it definitly does feel like the mass appeal has shifted to stories I'm just not fond of making. I try to write interesting, long form stories that cover a huge overarching storyline, but why do that when anon's tale about getting under Celestia's tail for the hundredth time is the new thing again.
Oh well.
There's a user on this site. That donated to me, when I was trying to support a friend through a poor winter season. It was more than I could expect. They had cancer.
They're no longer here.
I've almost cried over a stranger a few times. Just a random, generous soul who'd only spoken once or twice on my shitty little stories. They cared that much, just to support people, when they had their own fight to win.
I know that isn't the point to the story, it doesn't matter- but that line in the middle, about the cancer, nearly popped that bubble for me again. Just the realization that people like that existed in this community.
They don't anymore. At least, not to the same degree. We've lost them. We've lost the right to them.
I wish we hadn't. I wish we pushed people down a better path instead of eating them alive and spitting them out when we're tired of them.
I have to head to work, but part of me is mulling over an idea of my own little 'sequel.'
We've strayed. And a lot of us are tired.
Edit: Even with gained context... we really didn't deserve people like that...
Why does this keep happening?
May you find a good Discord server with your Fimfic mutuals, ladies and gentlemen. Having somewhere off the site to discuss it does wonders to enhance to experience.
I recommend Estee's server.
I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
This websites not dying on my watch I’m staying till the bitter end when there are no more stories to read!
Everyone seems kinda sad in this comment section so an out of context question it is y’all like Sabaton or no?
11907748
I posted about this years ago. The trendline of porn to non-porn here suggests the site will be, for new stories, majority porn in the next year or two.
Funny enough, I actually wrote a story yesterday that could be considered a diss to your diss.
11908422
Well, at least we have a whole bunch of >greens being converted to prose on the non-porn side now.
This is so epic I can literally feel Flutterpriest coming inside of me
11907657
Apparently the rule is that the mods can deem if something "meta" can slip through the approval process or not.
As far as I can tell, at least.