Everypony loves Pinkie Pie. She's that crazy pony who never seems to get sad about anything.
But does something lie beneath that cheerful exterior?
Chapters (1)
Weeping Pegasus
Joined 19th Aug, 2012 ·
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I can't say anything about the grammar =P. Maybe you can put the thoughts in Italic, to not cause much confusion. But the fic is really good. Greetings.
Initial thoughts: Well. Not bad. Spelling error (but it should be easy enough to find), but no real conventions issues, which I applaud thee for!
Though, there were a few (mainly ONE GIGANTIC LARGE IMPORTANT ONE) problems with your style:
-Surprise. What significance does she have to Pinkie? Who is she? I kinda need to know who the buck your story's about, ya'know....
-Constant intermission with thoughts. Although using characters' thoughts to advance the plot is a proven and commendable literary technique, I feel you're overdoing it a bit. This story just seems to be a brief (rushed) flashback about Pinkie's earlier, sadder life, and hints at her mental insecurities and the bit about "protecting" her friend.
Whilst the "inner conflict" fics are fun to write--and read--as an author of one myself, I find it saddening how you didn't expand on Pinkie's mental trauma and its effects on her life/her recovery/etc. There was just SO much more you could've written, and that would really have improved your story. Also, it's marked "complete." No. THIS IS NOT COMPLETE! We have no information on Surprise (other than that she's Pinkie's friend), the pacing is all wrong, and it is ONE THOUSAND TWENTY-SEVEN WORDS LONG!
That's just, like, one or two mere SENTENCES past FIMFiction's minimum. I have seen chapters--nay, I have WRITTEN FRAGMENTS OF CHAPTERS that were as long, if not longer than this. That is unacceptable. PLEASE, please, for the love of CELESTIA, add more. Or just re-write the whole thing; it's just not long enough.
Giving a like for the literary quality, but I sincerely hope that you add more next time; your story is VERY, very rushed as of right now.
1446017
Italics can most definitely be used for that. And the grammar works, but if Pinkamena Diane Pie (before she became Pinkie) was a shut-in, couldn't she have utilized more sophisticated syntax and lingual mannerisms?
Forgive my ranting, and ambiguously yours,
~InfinityXanadu
I tip my hat to you and leave a green thumb.
1446017>>1446518
Thanks for your critiques. I really appreciate it, since this is one of my first fics. It seems rushed because, well, I didn't make the word limit my first time around. I can see I have a whole lot farther to go with this. I'm working on revisions right now. But, where exactly would you say I put italics? The whole thing is kind of her thoughts, after all.
1446518
Heh, actually I've been working on this for a long time, which is why I was so interested in your fic. Glad you like my spin on it!
I think maybe with all that is discussed here you should bump the rating up to Teen, a fic that's rated for everyone is suppose to be kind of like something you'd see in the show and references to gore and emo certainly aren't lighthearted enough to pass.
1447730
Will do. Thanks for the tip!
1447751
Not exactly her "Thoughts", but when she quotes someone. I too lazy right now to re read it again and point the exact phrases, sorry.
1446113
Surprise is relevant because Pinkie based her entire personality on her. Surprise is basically her idol.
1498100
Ah, now that I did some preliminary research, I can understand who Surprise is; my other points still stand, however (and requiring some readers to research things is one step down a dark, twisty path of no return)
~InfinityXanadu
I think you should continue this, it's got a good plot idea, and potenial for a great story. Plus somethings were left off, like the Pinkie sense and Maud, and why Suprise never visited her. I think you should either extend this, or make a sequel. It has a lot of potential.