Nov
27th
2022
Review of "Mindscapers" by Heroic412227 · 12:40pm Nov 27th, 2022
Review of “Mindscapers” by Heroic412227
Summary: Pinkie is infected by the pollen of a rare flower. With Zecora’s aid, the rest of the Mane Six voyages into her mind to save her.
Content
- The conflict of the story is simple. Although the story has conflict, there is little development to show how challenging it was to resolve the conflict. This is because the solution on how to solve the conflict was readily provided. Naturally, the rest of Mane Six followed the necessary instructions to save Pinkie, and they did. There was also little focus on how detrimental Pinkie’s condition was. These made the read less riveting than it could have been.
- The characterisation of the Mane Six is familiar but insufficient. The dialogue and actions of the Mane Six are familiar to canon, but there is a lack of character development; the simple conflict hampered character growth.
- Zecora’s placement in the story only serves to provide the solution to Pinkie’s ails. The story touches on how she evaluated her decision to tell the Mane Six how to save Pinkie. Further development here could help flesh out her characterisation better.
- Sweets only serves to guide and assist the Mane Six towards the resolution of the conflict. There is no information on what she is, why she is doing in Pinkie’s mind and why she was not concerned about the orb. Also, why would Sweets help the rest of the Mane Six?
- The atmosphere and world of Pinkie’s mindscape are underdeveloped. Although the author intends to express the chaotic state of her mind, the underdevelopment meant that the writing itself became chaotic. It was thus hard to follow.
- The mechanical writing style inhibits interest in the story, particularly when the rest of the Mane Six attempted to reach the orb. This is exemplified in the greater emphasis of the actions involved, rather than the result of the actions partaken. The longer sentences and weaker word choice also hampered immersion.
Flow
- The flow is initially consistent. However, the story becomes hard to follow when the group transits to Pinkie’s mindscape. Despite Sweets’ presence, the solution to reach the objective of the “source” is unclear. As the reader lacks understanding of her mindscape, it is difficult to understand why the group is going through each scene to reach their objective. Hence, the challenges in each scene appear artificial.
Language
- A considerable number of minor technical errors were noted. Most importantly, in concluding a character’s dialogue, pronouns used alongside dialogue tags should not be capitalized.
Stance
Despite the simple plot, the story has potential to pique the reader’s interest. This can be done through focusing on the challenge to resolve the conflict, allowing characters to evolve from past events in the story and developing the world further. Nonetheless, the author has improved considerably relative to their past stories.
Content: 2/10
Flow: 2/10
Language: 5/10
Overall: 3/10
Verdict: Needs Work
Thank you for the review. I appreciate it.
Can I ask you a few questions, though?
5700392
Yeah?
How do I give the information about Sweets without dragging the story to a halt?
How do I develop the chaotic atmosphere and zany world of Pinkie's mindscape?
How do I fix the mechanical writing?
5700417
1. The Mane Six did not question who Sweets was, or she was doing in Pinkie's mind. Some further dialogue between them could help. Also, the author could also describe Sweets physically, such as her appearance.
2. There is a lack of development because there is too much emphasis on the actions of the rest of the Mane Six, rather than the atmosphere of the world. In this case, describe the setting of each scene and let that punctuate the Mane Six's actions and feelings.
3. Describe the effects of the actions of the Mane Six, rather than stating the action itself. There is also further mundanity in emphasising on the actions, while leaving the results of the actions in the latter end clause of the sentence. The words used also became repetitive; consider varying them with more words with varying connonation.
4. You are improving, and I'm happy to see that. I am sure you will get better!
5700434
Thanks. One last thing: Can you show me an example of how to punctuate and describe the effects, feelings, and setting of the character(s) in a story in a better way than what I did for Mindscapers?
5700435
Twilight focused, channelling every ounce of magic into the blazing orb. The orb flared and jolted as it was compressed, writhing out bursts of cracking energy.
"Ow!" Sharp pain raced through Twilight's spine. Twilight jerked back, her eyes teary at the blast of light exploding from the sudden expansion. "It's still too big! Help!"