Life updates · 7:06am Nov 5th, 2023
Hey fimfiction. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here. Not since June. It’s wild how much things can actually change in five months. I decided to post on here because when it comes to spilling my non-story thoughts, this is definitely my safe place (thank you MLP fandom for that).
In terms of personal growth I have come a long way since my last post. I finally quit smoking after 6 years and I’m very proud of that. I started exercising for half an hour every day instead, and I’m still working on learning Korean. Also mutually parted ways with my ex boyfriend in September and we’re still on good terms. Currently my entire family is suffering a cold, graciously given to us by my dad’s ex wife who stayed with us for a few days after being evicted from her apartment, but that’s a whole other story.
I think in terms of personal growth, the biggest difference I’ve seen in myself is that I’ve come to the realization that I can decide what I do with my life. I know, that sounds really stupid, but for much of my existence, my life revolved around placating and helping other people in order to keep the peace. I didn’t really think much about myself because I was so focused on the present danger that I couldn’t really think too much on the future. But now that I’ve had more space to explore what I want and need, I’ve been thinking more about my future and what I want it to look like.
I can’t really talk about it at home (My dad still has a hair trigger temper though it’s better than it was), but I can tell you all, so apart from my friends, you all will be the first to know: I’ve decided to make the goal for myself to learn Korean as well as I can so that I can eventually apply to Seoul National University in South Korea and major in the Korean Language. It’s going to be a long time before I get there, I’m sure. With a limited income affording tutoring will be difficult. I’m asking my mom for money for tutoring money for Christmas instead of presents this year. My goal is to get good enough at the language to get a 6 on the TOPIK (Test of proficiency in Korean) which is the highest score you can get. Maybe I’m a little crazy for making that the goal but I think with enough time and effort I could do it. Whatever is waiting for me, I feel like it’s there. I feel it in my bones.
I’m mainly hoping to be able to officially become a content creator for all of my fanfics (Support me on Patreon or Ko-Fi @ttfan111robstar1!). This year has been the year of a bunch of long fics for me on my Ao3 (@ttfan111robstar1), and while I am proud of my dedication and passion for those projects I just finished one on Halloween and I’m taking a breather for a bit to try and focus on myself. I haven’t taken a real break for much of anything lately so it’s been weird not to have something to work on. I’m just kind of trying to sit with the discomfort of it and tell myself that rest is also productive. I think creating fics might be the only thing I’m really passionate about that I can do for any semblance of a job, but it’s always a work of heart first. The money would be nice but writing is a passion. I couldn’t see myself doing anything else other than what I love most. The problem is that because I’m on disability I can’t have more than 2K in my account at once or else it gets revoked so I guess I’d have to not be able to withdraw any of it until it’s like actually time for me to do the thing. I’d have to open a new bank account in South Korea and get all of it in Korean Won anyway so maybe that’s irrelevant but Good God I hate that specific limitation.
I’m looking forward to Next Month, though. My mom and I are going to go and see my aunt and uncle and cousins in florida for the first time in four years and I’m beyond happy to go back. It would have been perfect if I could have fit in a visit with my Kiddo but she’ll be in Georgia the week I’m there, sadly. But I’m excited. A real vacation is a blessing now. My dad’s car doesn’t work well and he tends to use my mom’s on the weekends which means that I don’t leave the house apart from therapy and the rare occasions when my mom is home or when my best friend asks me over. But since she got a job (Her first one and I am so proud of her!) it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. I miss it, but I’m also super amazed and proud that she’s succeeding in an area where I absolutely failed and is interacting with the public on the daily as a preschool instructional assistant.
I’m happy to say my dog is doing well and is even getting his nails done pretty regularly by a professional now that he isn’t scared of. He’s had it rough the past few weeks because a total of 6 dogs have stayed in our back yard in the past month, but he’s got his yard back now and is mostly just happy to take a nap on his blanket or snuggle with me. And eat, of course, but that’s always a given XD.
In terms of my mental health, Therapy is working wonders. After many failed attempts I have found a great therapist I click with and who I am happy to see every week. I’ve gotten off of my meds and it’s been going well for me (this is just my personal experience, kids. If you’re reading this and you’re on meds, take ‘em unless your prescriber says otherwise.). I think because I’ve had the space to understand more of who I am I’ve gotten more confident in myself, and I finally realized that I did it. I’m living the life that me of three years ago could have never dreamt of. I’ve quit smoking. I open up the curtains of my room every single day and I let the light in when I used to hide myself in the darkness. I go to the bathroom whenever I want without fear, and have sat in the living room just to watch TV without feeling exposed. I exercise now (absolutely didn’t put that on my 2023 bingo card), and I’m happily single just being okay with myself. I have great friends and a great kid, and I know what I’m worth. If any of you are really going through it right now and are reading this blog post, I am telling you now: It really does get better.
I can’t tell you all how many times I wanted to quit. I tried to, Twice. But I pushed forward, for better and worse. And I have finally hit the point where I can say that it was worth it. All of the suffering, all of the terror, all of the panic and tears and hopelessness happened, but I came out of the other side. I did the work, I got better with myself, and I thrived. I gave myself room to grow and I filled that room with things that I loved.
In August of this year I finished a Korean Drama on Hulu called Revenant (Highly recommend if you’re into anything with demonic possession and can tolerate Suicide as a trigger) and there’s a bit of dialogue from it that really stuck with me that I wanted to share here that I think will wrap this post up nicely:
“I never lived solely for myself for even a single moment. I had never made a decision or gone to a place solely because I wanted to. Why, and for whom, did I mistreat myself so cruelly? The one who dragged me into the darkness was none other than myself. I was killing myself. I refused to die once I realized that. I’m going to start living for myself. Not for my mom or anyone else. I will live according to my will.”
To all my friends and followers on here: I love you all, and thank you for all of your encouragement and help that helped me to survive so that I could get to the point where I understood what it means to live. I wish that same happiness to all of you.
XOXO,
Cloe
I’m so glad to hear about all the progress you’ve made with moving forward in life. It truly has been one heck of a journey you’ve taken. I also hope your baby girl is doing great, man I remember when you got so excited to see here during your early times on this site. Hope the best for you!
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She’s doing great! Four cats and a boyfriend that treats her well! I was so happy to see your name pop up on here because I hoped you were doing better too!
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Of course, like you said yourself, it’ll be hard but making it through is a wonderful feeling. Everyone has something they have to deal with, it only makes us all stronger for not giving up even during our lowest of times. Sure as heck ain’t easy though. That’s why we all have each other. No one has to do it alone.
I'm so happy for you and the progress you made on this journey of growth! I wish you, your child, and your pets all the best
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Wonderful to see one of my favorite writers feel some comfortable in herself. I wish you the best whenever you pop up again.
So glad to hear you're doing better and that life is slowly getting better for you.