Regret

At times I wish I'd never heard of this site. I really do.

Comments

[Phoenix Heart 27]

Is there a particular reason or just the standard variety of insane babble of dumbness and drama?

[Saint Kartano]

5778955
This site has been an enabler. It's gotten me into situations and seen me being involved with people I had no business getting close to.

Now all the friends I've had are either dead or are no longer talking to me.

The community has brought me a few moments of joy, and a shit-ton of pain.

It doesn't help that I am incredibly hormonal and dealing with a lot of personal problems at the same time.

[Phoenix Heart 27]

5778957
Ahhh...so a unfortunate mix of both. I see. The best remedy is a break. Whether that be for a little while or a long hiatus, is up to you. I completely understand. Believe me, darlin', I been here, close to 10 years and been through ALL kinds of bullshit with all kinds of people. Have had to take all kinds of breaks of varying lengths.

[Saint Kartano]

5778962
Not worth it anymore.

Break where? To my sexless marriage? To PHOENIX???

[Phoenix Heart 27]

5778992
Just a break. Take some time off for yourself. Ignore the rest of the world (unless you have a job or something, then plz don't ignore that and take appropriate steps to ensure they know of intended time off if applicable). The sexless marriage thing I can't help with, as I just broke up with my most recent partner myself, so...yeah not very helpful there. Believe me, being unattached can have benefits too.

[Saint Kartano]

5779013

• I don't take breaks, I don't know how to. I have severe anxiety issues and I'm an anxious ruminator. I also have a complicated personal life that requires me to be directly involved in the deep personal problems of a lot of people. I can't take a break.
• If I did take a break ... where would I go? I don't have friends or family, my wife has taken all my money, I have nowhere to go, and no time off from work I could use to "relax" (whatever that is).
• I have been married 24 years. 8.5 of those have been celibate. My libido is colossal. My wife has none. It's been murder. I could no longer be unattached. Through my marriage, I have lost all my belongings, my family, my friends, my money, my career, my health and my youth. All I could do would be leave and live in a tent city - and then I would still have to give the bulk of my salary to my wife to pay rent and such so at least my kids would not have to be homeless.
• My anxiety issues are so intense, that there's just no way I could take a "break". To put this into perspective, I have consumed 300mg of quetiapine, 250mg of diphenhydramine, 30mg of propanolol ... and punched CLEAN THROUGH IT for four hours until falling asleep.

When I was 19 and unattached, I could just borrow a friend's two-man pup tent and live in that in a paddock behind my dad's garage while I got sorted. That was easy. I had a support network, I had friends, family, at that age you can bounce.

Now that I'm almost 50, I cannot do that anymore.

[Phoenix Heart 27]

5779264
Ok wow. Lemme break that down to make that more manageable for an almost 30 year old to understand:

• Have you considered professional help such as therapy or a recreational center? They usually have things to do for certain age groups that are either with large or small groups of people in calm easy settings and who knows, you may find something you'd like.
• Same thing I said for the first thing applies for the second.
• Is divorce a potential possibility for you and your spouse? Because from what I'm hearing it's really sounding like you're not particularly happy. It's ok if you are/aren't. These things happen in life.
• Well sometimes a mix of drugs isn't always a good thing to relax. Sometimes it takes some..."unconventional" methods to relax. I'd elaborate more, but I have an appointment and then a lunch meeting soon.

[Saint Kartano]

5779273

• I've been to more psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and counselors over 30 years than I could hope to keep track of. Most of them were useless but at least didn't do any harm. A few of them were indeed actively harmful. One of them did prove useful, but then we had to leave them to move to the USA for my wife's career. So have I tried those resources? Yes. Has anyone ever suggested that I do so? Routinely. Thank you for taking an interest in me at all, but trust me - I've had 30 years of people telling me to see a counselor/therapist/doctor/priest/witch doctor.
• I can't think of a calm setting. I might be able to remain calm in a given setting, especially group therapy, but to do that I would need sedatives. A lot of them.
• Divorce is not a possibility for me. I love my wife. She has destroyed my life, but I love her and I lust after her. Would she divorce me? I think she would if she knew she could get enough cash from me. I mean, she's a woman - she could find another man in five minutes. I'm a middle-aged man - I am the personification of expendable. So no. If I *did* divorce her ... then what? I'd have my sexual frustration, loneliness, anxiety and a brand new overpowering sense of failure and loss on top of being homeless and destitute. So no.
• I've tried unconventional means to help me sleep. Breathing exercises, naturopathy rubbish pushed on me by various people, meditation, you name it. I've had new age rubbish suggested to me, religious activities. I have not known rest after I turned 20. When it isn't my anxiety keeping me awake it's my sexual frustration which is always intense when you're lying next to a person you lust after. I have become adept at masturbating in the bed next to wife several times a night without waking her up.

Good luck with your appointment and then your meeting.

[Phoenix Heart 27]

5779279
On that, I wish I could help you more, my friend. On that note, hopefully these will make you could make you at least smile (or at least chuckle):

[Saint Kartano]

5779296
Thank you!

I appreciate anyone who doesn't judge me or worse for my problems.

And I'll take a closer look when I get home!

[Phoenix Heart 27]

5779298
Of course.

[B_25]

Feel that

[Saint Kartano]

5779449
Too many friends that I've lost. Too many of them are dead.

This place used to be home for me.

It's very bittersweet coming back here.