Sharing some of my past trauma · 8:57pm May 12th

Hey all.

I've had some people ask why I took so much time away from the website, so I figured I would go ahead and give you guys a brief recap of some events that happened in my life from around 2017-2020. I would be remiss to mention that I also had some trauma happening from 2021-22, but that's nothing compared to the amount of stuff I had to deal with in a 4-year span that I genuinely would not wish on my worst enemy. I went through it big time, and I have no clue to this day how I managed to make it past all of this.

So I guess I'll start with 2016. I met some great friends in 2016, one of whom I still talk to every day and that I love watching sports with. he's one of my best friends and has gotten me into soccer, which has brought me great joy over the past few years. Hell, I like it more than American football now. But that's neither here nor there. I played a lot of Overwatch with him, and through playing Overwatch I was introduced to another person by a mutual friend of ours. Her name was Micah, and soon enough feelings would begin to form between the two of us. After a few months, we started dating.

In 2017, I lost my job in Jacksonville and moved to Arkansas to live closer to some friends. I still do believe that these years were great for my personal growth, but that growth was the result of much trauma that I would rather not have gone through. In early 2017, my friends and I decided to go to Canterlot KC. We had done MidWest BronyFest 2016 the year before and wanted to keep the good vibes going. Micah decided she would like to tag along, and I was all too happy to agree. The fact my girlfriend wanted to be more involved in a fandom that was important to me was really cool! I think anyone would agree with that sentiment. However, it turned out to be anything but her wanting to be involved with what I enjoy.

She was out to ruin my good times.

Looking back, that much is beyond obvious. But we'll get there. The crux of this lies in the fact that when we arrived in Kansas City, we stopped at Freddy's to get some food. I forget exactly what happened, but my friends and I were talking about a plan we had for our panel at the con, and she asked if she could be on it. I told her no, because it was something we'd been planning for like half a year and she didn't know much about the show or shipping (the panel was called Cuddle Chemistry, if anyone attended MWBF, CKC, BronyCon, or Ponyville Ciderfest and remembers it). She ended up having an absolute meltdown and it spilled into the parking lot of the restaurant. She yelled at me as I sat on the ground against the wall, afraid to respond. I didn't want to say something I'd regret or have any passersby misinterpret the situation. I think it's fair to say it's sadly seen as more socially acceptable for a woman to yell at a man than the inverse is, so I kept my mouth shut as she screamed at me and belittled me in front of numerous people, including all of my friends.

I don't blame my friends for defending me when they did, and that caused Micah to lock herself in the bathroom of the restaurant, refusing to come out. Eventually someone convinced her to, but the damage had been done and I was not all there for the rest of the trip due to the fear of causing another meltdown with her at the convention center proper.

Then came 2018. We got married in August of that year and it's my biggest regret. When people tell you love can blind you to all of the red flags a person is giving off, they're not kidding. It's a very real thing. She was my first love and looking back, a lot of that was due to her being the first girl to ever date me or really give me the time of day. Shortly after we got married, I discovered she had been cheating on me for quite some time. Still, because of that blind love, I was a fool and decided to try my best to forgive her and move on. But it didn't stop. She ended up getting into VR Chat and was constantly having lewd and inappropriate chats with people on the game which would inevitably spill over to Steam, Discord, Snapchat, even Facebook. I would constantly tell her how it felt only for my feelings to be dismissed because she was "having fun and being herself".

I was afraid. I was so fucking afraid to admit to my friends about what I was going through, and so I beared through it alone. Well, aside from the great FamousLastWords, my best friend in the world. He was my shoulder to cry on, and lately I've been his too. It's a friendship that is hard to describe and is the one bright spot from an otherwise horrific time in Arkansas. Well, him and Jack of a Few Trades. Seriously, follow these two. They deserve it just on the basis of being amazing people and some of the best friends I could ever have asked for.

Bearing through that pain with the help of only one person who was not always available was not something I should have done, though. It got really rough, but there was a light in my life that was going to bring me joy.

I was going to BronyCon 2019.

And the best part was, she couldn't go. Holy hell it was a relief. I'd be able to go to a convention without her ruining my time. She'd have no way to do so because I would largely ignore social media while I was gone.

That was, until on the morning of Friday (2nd day of the con) I received a DM on Discord from a mutual who told me had something important to say to me. I asked him what it was, and he told me he had slept with her. It's hard to describe how I felt in that moment. I sat in the chair of our hotel room staring blankly at my phone, and my friends all asked me what was going on because it was clear something was bothering me greatly. I didn't say anything though, aside from that I would catch up with them at the con after breakfast and I needed time to myself.

I called her, and it led to a blow-up argument. While this was going on, Famous happened to walk back up into the hotel room because he'd forgotten something and I was forced to end the conversation and talk to him about what happened. I begged him not to tell anyone else, so he didn't. That was another mistake. I should have been open with my friends about it and gotten some advice and support from them, but I was afraid I would ruin their fun times with my own misery.

But all that mattered was she had found a way to ruin a convention for me again. I had even spent $400 buying her two custom plushies, one of which was signed by the wonderfully sweet Rebecca Shoichet (Sugar Belle plush), and I only had about $200 left to spend on myself. As an aside I ended up keeping the Pear Butter one for myself eventually, but since the Sugar Belle one had her name on it I want nothing to do with it ever again.

On the way home from the convention, which was a 19-hour drive from Baltimore to Fayetteville, I got a call from her telling me she'd been fired from her job at our apartment complex due to lack of work and professionalism issues. We were being evicted and had 3 days to move out. To this day, I have no clue how Famous managed to find us a new place, but he did.

In 2020, I found her talking to people online again, one of whom was someone I knew yet again. She swore nothing was going on between them, but eventually in late January of that year I made a call to my dad and explained everything. I dumped so much trauma on him at once that I am shocked he was able to give me the advice he did. I took it, and I left her. We got ready to divorce, and she left the apartment since she was jobless and I was paying the rent, utilities, etc.

I made the mistake of taking her back a few months later but in that time she had also slept with the dude she told me not to worry about. This time it lasted just a couple months before it came to a permanent end. Well, aside from the fact she had to live with me because she had nowhere to go and I guess I'm just too nice or too naive because I didn't have the heart to kick her out.

As an aside, she posted a blog when I first took her back saying some of the following things:

In January of this year, Seven did not see any potential in our relationship because of outside manipulation. He told me he wanted a divorce. I had to move out and for about a month, i was homeless. I was still working and thankfully my managers at the time understood. I was really down and having suicidal thoughts again. I improved on myself a little before he came back to me, realizing how wrong he was. He apologized and i took him back on the promise of bettering ourselves and our relationship

>because of outside manipulation
>i was homeless for a month
>i improved on myself
>he realized he was wrong
>i took him back

All lies that I only recently noticed on her blog when going through some old memories of mine on the website. That post doesn't bother me anymore, but knowing she had lied to evoke sympathy and did it on the website, making me look like a piece of shit, is reprehensible and absolutely did bother me at the time. She never once took accountability or responsibility for anything that went wrong in our relationship.

I wrote a story about our divorce later that year in 2020, and it was my last meaningful contribution to the site until last week. She had taken away my joy of writing and love of MLP through her actions, and honestly that's what hurts more than anything. I allowed her to take something that brought me great joy and twist it into something that upset me by association.

So I avoided Fimfic for a while, and only now have I returned, feeling rejuvenated. In a new home back in my old hometown of Jacksonville, with a wonderful girlfriend and a job I thoroughly enjoy.

If I could change anything, it would be to have been open with my friends about my struggles rather than try to conceal them and put on a strong face. So I guess that's my "Dear Celestia" moment.

I'm glad to be back, and I love all of you. Thank you for all the great memories on the website, and here's to many more being formed with friends both old and new.

With love always,
Andrew

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Buck Swisher

Buck Swisher #1 · 2 weeks ago · 4 · ·

I’m sorry you had to go through all that man. I know I don’t really know you like some other people on here do but I’m glad you found a way to improve yourself and be happy again. it’s great to hear that you living life now 🙌🏽 keep doing ya thing brodie!

6-D Pegasus