Looking Through the Tears · 6:45pm Mar 2nd, 2012
This first post celebrates the completion of my first story ever, "Tears in the Snow." And before I say anything more, everypony who enjoyed it say "thank you" to Ominous Brony. Both intentionally and not, he sparked many of the ideas that I used in the story. I actually had the "whole story" written before I started posting, and it was only 13 chapters. Everything from chapter 11 on is new stuff that wasn't in the original, so if you enjoyed the story, Ominous Brony definitely deserves a big shout out for inspiring me to keep writing.
There are three things I'd like to cover in this post; inspiration for the characters and events, short Q & A about things people may be wondering about, and future projects.
Backstory:
"Tears in the Snow" is a personal story, something I originally wrote just for fun (and it quickly became a form of therapy), with no intention of putting it into the public eye. I say personal because many of the events are allusions to things in my own life. I'm not trying to sell anypony my sob story, but I thought somepony may find it interesting to know why I made the characters the way I did. First off, Cerulean. He's modeled after myself on a good day, though he doesn't have near the problem coming up with conversation as I do. His nightmares are an illustration of the way I've felt for the last... four years; cold and alone. His desire for acceptance that lead to his foolishness during the race is my own, as I have long felt like an outcast. There are also allusions to him feeling unworthy of being redeemed, and that is something I struggle with as well. After all, who wants broken goods? His desire to find a place to belong while internally telling himself he doesn't deserve it is something that I've fought with ever since I exchanged my dreams for a lie.
As it says in my short bio, I was married at 19 and divorced a year and a half later. My ex-wife and I met in Denver, Colorado, and kept in contact through text and email. She must have taken notes, because after a year she had discovered exactly what to say to manipulate me. That, combined with the fact that I had the worst hero complex ever, made it so I couldn't turn a blind eye when she revealed that she was being abused at home. I was outraged, and the more she told me the more I was overcome with a singular urge; I had to help, no matter what the cost. Unfortunately, the cost was everything.
I helped her run away from home, flew her from Texas to where I live in California, but just being away from them wasn't enough. She pushed and prodded until I finally caved and agreed to marry her, if only to keep her parents from having any sway over her. I knew it was a freaking stupid decision, even as I walked to the altar. Everything inside me screamed to say no, but I felt like I was already in too deep, and the only way to remedy the situation was to hope to God she was telling me the truth. Two months after I said those terrible words, she came clean. Everything she had told me about her parents was a lie, she just didn't want to deal with their rules anymore.
I was crushed. I had tossed away the advice of family and friends, and even my future for a lie. And does she apologize for this? No. She proceeded to give a rather long discourse that basically translated into something like this; "You're mine now. You're going to do what I want, when I want, or I'm going to make your life a living hell." And she did. Every time I'd "step out of line" she'd scream, she'd call my pastor, she'd go talk to my parents... anything to make me cave to her will. For the first year, I obeyed because that was the least painful approach. For the last bit while we were together, I poured my heart and soul into making it work, even while she raped me. Oh yeah, there's that too.
"Rape? But wait, you're a guy, there's no way she could..." No, she couldn't physically force me. But when you're going to school full time and said person would fake loud night terrors until 4 am every... other... night... (unless you agreed to sex them) You don't end up having much of a choice. As far as I know, sex by coercion is still rape, even if it's psychological. But try I did, shutting out my emotions and thoughts so I could try to make it work. Every few months I'd break down and go visit one of the two friends who never turned their backs on me through the whole ordeal, who was unfortunately female.
I will say this now, things were strictly platonic between me and her. Well, she had feelings for me but I had zero interest in her like that, and we had been best friends for years before my ex wife came along. I just wanted someone I could talk to, ya know? Anyways, the breaking point came when I returned home around 12 am one night and my ex freaked big time. I put up with the storm as usual until she crossed a line I couldn't tolerate; she threatened to post on facebook that I had had an affair with my friend. While I could find ways to justify my own suffering, I was not about to let her attack my friend like that. Something inside shattered (literally, I felt it physically. I still have a phantom pain in my chest that flares from time to time, though it was nearly constant for about the first year after) and it was over in my heart. I sent her back to Texas and divorce papers were signed.
Wondering where I'm going with all this? Bangles is modeled after her. She's manipulative, self serving, and has absolutely no regard for the feeling of others. Somepony posted asking why Bangles is the way she is, and here's the answer; I don't know. After a year and a half of honestly trying to understand my ex, I couldn't. Her thinking made no sense to me, and I still have no idea what could drive someone to destroy a life just because you didn't like being under authority. It just doesn't... make... sense... Which is why I never developed her backstory at all. And why Cerulean seems to have the worst luck in the world; scars take a long time to heal.
Lemon. Based off of the other friend I mentioned, we've known each other since childhood. The dialogue between Cerulean and Lemon was very easy to write as I just had to think of how he'd respond, and yes; he really is a cook, wants to be a chef, and has an interest in fashion.
The chants during the final battle are a combination of things that I came up with and a smattering of biblical text. My father used to be a pastor and I am a practicing Christian myself. That said, you don't need to believe a word of it or even like Christians to appreciate some of the text for what it is.
"Now these three endure; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 (hmmm, 1313 make sense now?) That entire chapter is about the many aspects of love, and is my favorite chapter.
"He who digs a pit for another will he himself fall in." Proverbs somewhere, don't recall passage.
"Howl, mourn and weep for the miseries which are coming upon you." don't know if that's the exact text but it's something Jesus said in response to the greed of the rich.
Q & A:
Q: Why isn't Bangles dead? She deserves to die!
A: Yes. Yes she does. But it wouldn't make much sense for the Element of Love to be the one to kill her.
Q: So can't she die some other way?
A: In my original ending, she did. In the final days before my breaking point, my anger turned to hatred, and I literally spent hours of my day doing nothing but wishing for my ex to die. Me, who has never raised my hand in violence towards anypony, began experiencing murderous desires. I've grown to the point where I no longer desire her death, and thus decided Bangles will live. It's actually a much crueler fate than death, because with her malice stripped away she will be left with only regret and sorrow for what she's done, her lack of a horn a constant reminder of the past.
Q: Is the story really over?
A: Yes. (mostly) depending on what I write next, I may insert a few bonus chapters, likely comedy, after the end. Maybe even try to come up with something disturbed enough to explain Bangles hatred for everypony.
Q: Are you going to write more stories?
A: I plan to, though forcing myself to push out a chapter a day was a mental drain so I may take a break for a while.
Q: (insert question here, message me. these questions are ones I thought people would ask, but I'm kind of blanking atm)
Future Projects:
I actually have like 3 or 4 story ideas I'm juggling right now. I will likely write a chapter or two on each, see how those turn out, and then follow the one I think has the most potential. I like setting I've made in "Tears" so the stories I'm thinking about will take place after the end of the story, likely in between the 3 year gap.
Idea One: "Raising Dawn"
Dawn befriends Carrot Cake and Pound Cake, who are only a year older, and CMC style antics ensue; a comedy.
Idea Two: "Pickles and Ice Cream" (working title)
Follows Twilight through her pregnancy. If unicorn foals cause crazy things to happen, what happens when the Element of Magic gets hormonal? also a comedy
Idea Three: "Deafening Silence"
New OC name Aphonia (which comes from a root word meaning silence, so basically translates to "One who is Silent") who refuses to speak because every time he has ever done so, something terrible has happened and somepony gets hurt, or worse. Comes to Ponyville because he figures if something happens in the small town, there is less chance of somepony getting hurts. Likely same genre as "Tears" but with the possibility of being darker.
Idea Four: (working title)
Recently heard the song "Fly with the Pegasi" by zahqo (feat. aviators), and wanted to write a story about a pegasus who is every bit as enamored with flight as Rainbow Dash but has lost his ability to fly. Would likely be a romance between RD and him, as he struggles with attraction, jealousy of her ability to fly, and the bitterness of having his own flight ripped from his hooves. I've been informed that there is already a story similar out there, so I will read that one some before considering this one further.
To my readers:
Thank you. Truly, thank you all for your support and encouragement. This has been an amazing experience, and between discovering MLP:FiM and finding a place to belong within the Brony community, perhaps one day I too shall find an end to my winter, as I hope everypony that reads this story will too.
"Stop
Don't turn around
When everything falls apart
Just don't back down
Keep running just look ahead
You might be losing but you're not dead
Hold on
Hold fast
Keep going
And never back down"
- quoted from "Never Back Down" by the Aviators, in honor of Daring Do.
Idea Three: "Deafening Silence"
I like this idea, good luck in your future writing and life.
Ok, so after reading all this.
I honestly pick: Pickles and Ice cream.
But I read this more, it just says how awesome you are and your stories.
Continue being awesome good sir.
And while reading more.
That women who is said to be bangles.
Don't let that little whorebag stop you, life is cruel, and I can't ask you to get over what put a scar on your life.
Remember, you have family, and they can help you out even through the worst of times. And if they won't help, we can always help, we may not know each other in real life, but we can still help anyway we can.
I really hope you get better. I bet this comic will help.
i11.photobucket.com/albums/a156/AngelicZoey/My%20Little%20Pony/TrollestiaScience01.jpg
I shall say this to you, I am a loner as well. I have not suffered as cruelly as you but being diagnosed with asperger's syndrome or if you prefer high functioning autism I was and still are rejected save for a small group of friends. I have never lived in a house for more than two years ever since I was seven and as a result never gained roots. In other states my family was cut off from other relatives and my father took out his anger and frustrations by calling me names and yelling. I somehow survived with my sanity partly intact and a view of everything the world has to throw at you. I am not disturbed at all by these things and the only thing I cant endure is pain like yours. I am here if you need me and I will never stop, if you need advice my life has given me a very pragmatic view of life and as such I know the workings of the world better than most. You are a beautiful writer and I don't want to see you suffer alone. I AM HERE and i will never leave.
Well, it's not really an answer, but as to your ex, yeah, I understand what that's like, ex the rape and marriage thing.
My older 'brother'. (I've disowned him, naturally.) My entire life I looked up to him, played with him, encouraged him, defended him in front of mom and dad every single time he did something stupid, but then the breaking point happened. tl;dr, he had gotten fired from his job for using his cell phone while on the job. He eventually had to move back in with us. tl;dr again, dad was in the hospital, and he didn't make it. Several months later, he left without notice, stealing lots of our movies, video games, other items of value, as well as, (And most importantly in MY eyes) Dad's sword. He then left this ass-long BS email about how and why he did what he did, that dad said he could have it when he was ready, ect. ect, bullshit bullshit bullshit. You get the idea.
So while not as... *Fails to think of the right word* big as what happened to you, I definitely understand the manipulation and the 'how could anyone possibly do this and for what reason' part of it. (There's another part of the story about his gf, lies, ect, but that's not important. Well, kinda, but you know enough.)
... Just wow... And did she claim to be a Christian as well? Does she still? (If you know.)
(And lemme know if I crossed a line or ranted too much or whatever. I know I tend to get going once given the opportunity.)