And this is me sober · 1:01am May 22nd, 2013
HI. I'm kits, and you may remember me from such bits of horse inanity as When Canon Cracks, the ever popular Farmcore, and various other tidbits of over thinking. Today I'm here to talk about families. Specifically, a humble member of the family Rosaceae. And if you get that joke without using Wikipedia: congratulations! I wish you luck in the vicious, cutthroat world of competitive
[ ] botany
[ ] agriculture
[ ] Jeopardy
(Check all that apply).
Malus domestica or, as it is more commonly known amongst "the masses", the Apple Tree.
Okay. I'm not here to talk about apple tress. I'm here to talk about Apple Bloom, or is it apple blooms. Either one of them is fine really
vs
ROUND 1
We begin with the oldest Apple, because if we don't get to her fast, she might not make it, Granny Smith.
Her cutie mark is a pie. Luckily, it's almost certainly an apple pie and not a Pinkie Pie or else that would just fuck the entire space/time continuum up beyond salvage and I might as well go home, put on those ruby horse shoes, and chant "there's no place like Dash's bed." They aren't magical, but if I'm going to do something so crazy it just might work, I'll go straight for gold; none of this second place shit. Anyway. Pie pony, apple name. That's her. She also makes jam and is probably pretty good at cooking all kinds of apples into all kinds of sweet apple things.
Next, we'll cover the dead ones.
As you can see–
Wait a second. What the fuck. 
Cloudy Skies? But... Why didn't you tell me you were related to AJ?
Also, why did you fake your death? I mean, that's kinda cold? Is the pony mafia involved? 
I guess that makes sense. Anyway, I guess we'll skip the parents, since they are obviously on the run from someone.
Next, we have Big Mac. His cutie-mark is a giant apple and his talent is not saying much and being male. He also probably drinks a lot. I have no proof of that other than >farmer and >male. But just look at that nose, and the way he sweets excessively.
(I will allow a momentary pause for those who may need to go 'take care of something')
Large, red nose? Excessively over sized? Prone to perspiration? Yeah, Big Mac totally hits the hard stuff.
Lastly, we have Applejack. She likes apples.
No, I mean she really likes apples
Possibly also pineapples 
Fixation on her namesake aside, she is very good at growing apples too. Probably other crops, but she has a lot of apples. I mean, just, way too many apples.
Why bring this up?
Well
What is Apple Bloom's talent? Come on, we can all take a broad stab at it. Go on, I'll wait.
Yeah. Sure is apple related huh?
Well, see, it doesn't have to be, she is the red-headed step child of the Apple family, after all.
Yes, I made this post for that stupid pun, BUT YOU READ IT! Who's the joke on now?
Do you ever think you might have too much time on your hands?
Yes. Quite. Ripping good laugh and all that.
1096677
If I had free time, my insanity would not bubble over like this unless I was writing a new chapter of Goddammit Pinkie Pie
How does one respond to this?
Goddamnit Kits
I applaud this silly, and award it a moustache
You broke something
My eyes have been opened, for I have just witnessed true, unfiltered wisdom.
I think that picture in their house is meant to be a parody of this
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/cc/Grant_Wood_-_American_Gothic_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg/250px-Grant_Wood_-_American_Gothic_-_Google_Art_Project.jpg
PAGING CLOUDY: BUCKING EXPLAIN THYSELF
So... when you're sober, you write like SS&E (not the style but the stream of consciousness).
1097496
I have several examples of SoC-like writing, some sober, some tipsy, and some drunk. If "Dash's Birthday Present" is at all like SSAE's stuff, then I need to read more of it.
Ask Ranbo and Inkie (and the others), eh?
No fucking way you're sober.
...Give me those ruby horse shoes. You need to keep writing and drawing, so no disappearing into parts (un)known where the rest of us (probably) can't follow.
...
...
...
There's no place like Dash's bed. *Clack-Clack* There's no place like Dash's bed. *Clack-Clack* There's no place like Dash's bed. *Clack-Clack* ...Darn it, they don't work. Alright, you can have them back.
1098134
And now, to go write "kits's Adventures in Between Dash's Sheets."
Difficulty: [adventure] not [sex]
1098137: ...Best way I can think of to manage it as [Adventure] would be to have it involve massive shrinking, and Dash's bed having gone so long without the sheets being changed that the bed-bugs and such have developed their own society.
Slightly less massive shrinking would not automatically disallow the [sex] tag, after all.
1098156
It would just have to be surreal.
The ultimate goal, of course, being to have a sex scene, but not have anyone realize it until someone with several lit degrees points it out that the whole thing is one giant symbolist metaphor for sex.
1098163: So, a story about coming of age, vegetables, competition, the eating of various sweets and fruits, and Dash's quest to find fulfillment, all set on the backdrop of rolling hills of blue?
...And now I'm imagining a story of "Dr. Freud goes to town (ponyville)," where he starts claiming that everything in the world (especially the existence of unicorns) is a giant metaphor for sex. He's locked up in a mental hospital by the end of the day. Because friendship is NOT carrots.
-Note that this is also me sober. Just sleep deprived and studying for a final.
1098185
Sometimes a horn is just a horn.
1099103: True, though tell that to one of my old art teachers and they might just argue. The individual in question mentioned at least one example of 'sexual symbolism' in every. single. famous. painting. (that they showed us.)
I'm fairly sure that they would have had much to say about MLP that would have offended the writers, artists, and even some of the fans.
F*** you, I'm dying. XD