Dear Princess Celestia... · 6:16pm Jun 24th, 2013
...today I got seventy-seven words into a rough draft before I realized that I cannot write third-person.
Hoof after hoof, Lyra ran through the dark humidity of the Everfree Forest. Any other morning, she would have loved to stop and take in the sights that now blurred past her: fronds that were big enough for her to use as bedsheets, drooping vines that were long and sturdy as ropes, and even the odd little bioluminescent mushrooms that glowed wherever it was dark enough for them to take root.
This morning in particular, however, she was running late...
I mean... eugh. I think I'm better at first-person, at any rate. And I know there's something to be said for comfort zones versus areas of competence (meaning, sticking in one area won't necessarily grow your overall skills as an author)... but I think for the time being, I'm going to stick with what I'm good at.
Seems fine to me, but you're right that this scene in particular would probably work better in first-person. Lots of observation and exploration, which we usually want their impressions on.
I think the problem comes more from the structure of the second sentence. The way you say that she would have 'loved to' and then started the list rather than breaking it up into separate sentences, each with their own little flourish on *how* she would love them, is what's making you dislike it. That and superlative would help shorten one or more of your comparative similes (specifically the first one).
1165465
>That and superlative would help shorten one or more of your comparative similes (specifically the first one).
Superlative?
It seems fine if you ask me. This particular scene could be written either way and work as well.
It looks like it'll be interesting, but...
I don't know. It's kind if hard for me to envision a Nicknack story that's not first-person.
1165490
>That and superlative would help shorten one or more of your comparative similes
Well, I dropped the ball on that one. Let me rephrase: Comparative similes would help shorten this some.
Comparative: anything -er; more- (bigger, stronger)
Superlative: anything -est; most- (biggest, strongest)
So like: fronds bigger than bed sheets, drooping vines thicker than ropes... that kind of thing.
1165520
That's what I get for being an idiot.
1165520
Oh. I should've thought of that.
Yeah, I kinda know how you feel. Even reading First Person stories is kinda weird for me; I usually end up picturing them like a FPS game or a found footage movie. Writing them feels even weirder.
Funny, I have the opposite problem.
Or... OR, you're a shitty writer no matter WHAT style you try! Bwhahaahaha
1166295
Better than your goddamn hipster thesaurus, "I'm going to use words like predilection and insensate; you've probably never heard of them."
1166375
Don't delete my winnings you pussy!
EDIT: Unfuckingbelievable.
It's fine, stop being so hard on yourself.
1165520 That does sound better. I'm going to have to remember that, it's great advice.
Huh, it looks like someone went through and down-voted everyone's posts. And then there's that one guy insulting the author. Is this it? Have the trolls come? More importantly, were they already here and I never noticed them? The question is, do I stay with a ship that might sink but might not or do I preemptively jump ship since it might sink? Do I help patch up the ship? Maybe I could steal a lifeboat, take all my favorite people and set up a paradise on a deserted island and never let anyone else land. Wait, no that's elitism. Maybe I could help sink the ship, it sounds like they're wining anyway (based off my own contingency plans, not actual evidence).
Maybe I could take the helm of the ship and crash it into a deserted island, where we could set up a perfect society with the most talented at the top. Then the trolls would have to come to us on equal footing, and we could kill them. Then the talented members could weed out the less-talented members, leaving behind only the talented. Wait...that's genocide mixed with eugenics, and a little bit of Social Darwinism.
I think the metaphor fell apart somewhere along the way.
2063219
Seattle's [mostly] harmless. I've got one or two "anonymous" haters, but I don't really give them much thought. They want to give me red numbers? I'll find some way to survive.
That being said, yes, there are trolls on Fimfic. But generally, not to the extent that it's worth a four-post blog series to both feed them and make an ass of myself.