A 'Change' to My Life re-written chapter one.

hello, partway through re writing chapter one of my story. let me know what you guys think.
link: chapter one: holes
the passcode is: Chris Allis

Comments

[River Road]

Well, it's... shorter than before?

It's not bad, really, just... still seems a little rushed.
Even as a brony - and Chrysalis fan - my first thought when I wake up with half my hand gone wouldn't be "turning into a changeling". The fourth or fifth, maybe, after I realize that it doesn't hurt or bleed.
You could go into a bit more detail about the hole, too. I'm still not entirely sure what size it is supposed to be. (Same with the other holes)
Lastly, just a thought: How does he know that it's Chrysalis? So far he could be turning into any changeling. He's hoping for it, of course, but it will still be a while before he can be sure...

[evan555alpha]

well, that didn't occur to me, but as I said, still re writing it. don't worry, it'll get fixed up. and it'll be longer.

[River Road]

1323198

No worries. The first chapter of my story wasn't very long, either, but it usually gets easier after a while.

P.S.: I have a similar concept in my 5S/4 story (Brony looking forward to transformation, more or less). Maybe you can find something in there that you can adapt.

[evan555alpha]

well, I think it's done. this'll be the place where I re-write chapters, and let you guys read them. see what you think. if they're good, then I'll put them onto that main one, if not, then I'll edit them. how's that sound?