My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing By Dakari King Mykan

Warning: This review contains coarse language.

Hey guys, Fireemblemspider here. And welcome to another addition of my fan fictions reviews.

There are a lot of fan fictions out there, some of them good, some of them decent and some of the outright terrible.

This is of the latter. My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing by Dakari King Mykan.

Considered by many bronies to be the worst fan fiction ever written, this was brought to my attention by my peers. According to them and research that I’ve done, the author hated the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic concept, stating that the lessons about friendship were stupid and pointless believing it all to be a lie.

I say this because he says that he lacks friends… Have you ever tried making friends by being pleasant?

Anyway, he wrote this out of spite for the series. And according to his FF.net account, writes everything out of spite. His interpretation of the series and what it stood for was hated by the community so much, that he took down his original story after many fans spoke in outrage. While the original story no longer exists, except I’m sure on King Mykan’s computer as a trophy, a mirror story is found on FIMFiction.com. The user who posted it on the website was given permission by King Mykan and is regularly viewed by bronies all the time.

There’s some deep history with Mykan that I could get into, but that would take several hours. And I’m not here to judge him, only the work that he has presented before us. To this day, this is still considered one of the worst MLP fan fictions of all time.

But is it as bad as everyone says it is? Well, let’s jump right in and find out.

Again, if you haven’t noticed there are spoilers for this story. If you have not read this story and you would like to (Lord knows why), turn back now. As for the rest of you…

We start with an author’s note saying how horrible Friendship is Magic is. Because I’m sure that will be crucial to the plot.

So apparently a deep voice over tells us of a land of unicorns called Unicornicopia, where a king called a tri-horned unicorn reigns as a benevolent ruler. Normally, the deep voice wouldn’t bother me, but for the way it is told to us. It just a parentheses and ‘Deep Voice’ within it. The voice tells us that the tri-horned unicorn is called what he is because of three horns on his head. And they happen to be gold.

Really? You had to point that out to us? Are we so stupid you had to point out what tri-horned means?

Anyway, the land is peaceful and everything seems perfect…

No, some evil forces come trying to transform everything into darkness and chaos. The unicorns try to reason with him using the power of friendship. … Wait a minute; doesn’t the author hate friendship or something to that effect? Why would he use a power he doesn’t believe in? That makes no sense.

Anyway, when all hope seems lost, the Tri-horned unicorn attacks with the power of the Uniforce (don’t ask me what it does. But apparently it has the power to stop evil or something broad like that). He battles the evil sorcerer and defeats him, casting him into the Dimension of Darkness.

Totally inappropriate for this story, you say? Oh, trust me, when we’re done here, you’ll be begging for a competent villain.

Eventually the threat is forgotten and the unicorns go through their lives with the power of believing. … Believing in what? All the tri-horned unicorn did was use some magic force to defeat an evil sorcerer. What did believing have to do with this? Was it believing in himself? The Uniforce? Some higher power? What do we have to believe?!

Anyway, the story cuts to a small unicorn with wings (Not alicorn. This isn’t FIM as the author clearly loves reminding us) who is reading the story about the evil sorcerer. … Kind of like the first episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic… Only with Twilight Sparkle … and Nightmare Moon… You know for a show that you hate, you sure use it as a template.

He wears a brand on his armor of AO0C... I’m not quite sure I know what that means… Is it supposed to be a service number or something?

Anyway, his fairy companion flies over to him and speaks to him. Apparently, Lightning has been asked by the Grand Ruler to become his apprentice. This confuses Lightning since he can’t use magic like other unicorns. The unusual thing about his horn is that it is gold… And so is the Grand Ruler’s… Real subtle there buddy. Nobody would ever guess what’s going to happen next.

He is instructed by his Grand Ruler, very confusingly and poorly I might add, to go to the somewhere that isn’t explained to make friends and to always believe.

You know I’m going to start keeping track of how many times you copy scenes from a franchise that you despise so much. Let’s see… Intro into story. That’s one. Main character reading flashback in a book. That’s two. Main character being student/pupil of ruler of kingdom. That’s three. Main character having to learn about friendship or other important lesson. That’s four. Main character having a small companion. That’s five.

Five comparisons to the show that you yourself hate so much, that you feel you have to write this to get out your hatred. And yet, you clearly must think it does something right, seeing how you draw all your inspiration from it. The more I read about this story, the more you contradict yourself.

Anyway, Lightning thanks his little fairy, who is named Krysta. And yes, in case you were wondering, he is using the name from the main character from Ferngully.

Krysta says she must thank him. … For what? He hasn’t done anything yet. I assume that it’s about something in their past, but why can’t you explain that a little further or at least hint at it?

Anyway, we get to the title song for the show. I’m glad we got the melody of that song flowing through my head… Oh wait…

No, I don’t! Why the hell do you have to put a theme song in your fan fiction?! You do realize that any original song you create can’t be heard when read from a computer screen with no music right? This is the biggest problem I have with music in fan fiction, you can say it is the most awesome sound you’ve ever heard, the guitars and the drums and the whatever, but it means absolute squat if you can’t hear it!

(Oh, by the way, that’s number 6. A goddamn theme song)

We get some background on the cities around the area. Bluesville, Greenland, Orange-Ranch… I’m not kidding guys. These are actual cities in this world. How much imagination do you think he put into those names?

Probably.

The grand city is called Rainbow City Central. (Seriously, I can’t get over how stupid these names are. What’s the villain’s headquarters going to be? Black Land?)

So anyway, Lightning flies down to the city, I assume he means Rainbow City Central since that was the last mentioned city, but that’s not made clear. Also, the city is populated by anthropomorphic unicorns.

Anyway, the pair land in a garden where we discover that Krysta has hay fever and sneezes the petals off a beautiful flower. Everyone is sad that the flowers are dying over a sneeze… I’m not kidding on that.

A red unicorn named Buddy Rose comes and explains that the flowers die every time someone sneezes. … I’m not kidding about that one either.

But not to worry because he is the best gardener in the world, and he also apparently has a service number, which he feels the need to tell Lightning. Why? Why the hell do all of these characters have numbers? Why the hell would you tell someone your number? What is this? The military? He’s a gardener! Why would you have a gardener as a military officer?! And if this isn’t the military, what the hell is with the damn numbers?!

Is it a way to track unicorns if they’ve done wrong? That’s all fine and good, but when the only thing evil that is around is the dark sorcerer, why the hell do you need them?!

Anyway, Buddy Rose recognizes Lightning instantly and says that the town has been expecting him. Also he seems to be growing his garden by hoof rather than magic. Seems kind of odd that every unicorn can use magic with the exception of Lightning and yet no one seems to.

Anyway, Buddy Rose asks for Lightning to deliver some vegetables to the Rainbow Dish Inn (I’m trying to decide if that’s an insult to Rainbow Dash or not) and then walks off.

The author then describes to us that anthropomorphic animals can stand upright and walk like humans. Because his audience is so stupid, that they can’t figure that out for themselves and have no idea what it means. Thank you for telling us exactly what you think of us.

Anyway, the pair then rest for a while since the vegetables are so heavy. That or Lightning is just a pussy, especially since it is and I quote ‘a small basket of vegetables.’ He then moans about not being able to use magic. Frankly, I’m not surprised, since carrying a small basket of vegetables is too much for you.

They then come across an artist in the park, who paints a picture of Krysta. He shows them the painting and names it ‘Fairy in the park’

The artist introduces himself as Artie. I think that’s a play on word of his occupation. And even he has a number!

Lightning and Krysta run off leaving Artie behind. … Let’s see… bumping into future friends while exploring new town. … What is that? Number 7?

Anyway, Lightning says that it was unusual how Artie reacted despite the fact that Krysta is the only fairy in their world. What?! You’re criticizing him for reacting to something that exists in mythology?! For being in awe of something that doesn’t get seen in anytime of his life?! And what’s worse is that you say that there is only one fairy in this world, but you don’t bother to elaborate on that?! Thanks for letting us know that detail! Not that we aren’t interested!

Anyway, they run into another unicorn, literally this time. And the yellow unicorn introduces himself as XL7Z…

But he asks them to call him Rhymey… Can you guess why boys and girls? Can you guess why Rhymey is named that? What’s that?… Because he can rhyme? … Very good!

Yes, Rhymey speaks in nothing but rhymes… Constantly …

That’s not going to get annoying quick…

He speaks in his rhyme and then leaves adding nothing of value to the plot other than to distract us from the main focus of the story. God, I hope he dies in the next chapter. Or better yet is never mentioned again. You know, it’s pretty bad when I want to see a character die after reading about them for less than two minutes.

"And to think we'll that when we meet him next time.”

… I don’t know what the fuck that means…

So our duo finally arrive at the Rainbow Dish Inn, where they sit down to eat and deliver the vegetables to the restaurant owner, whose name is Cookie Dough. Code Number, BP1D… Again, who cares?!

The restaurant owner thanks Lightning for the delivery. He then sits Lightning at a table after discovering who he is. Apparently, Lightning is important… although Lord knows why… he hasn’t done anything.

Cookie Dough could satisfy the appetite of anyone, even if they were even hungry.

I should hope so. Because anyone who has an appetite should be satisfied even if they are hungry.

Anyway, Cookie Dough gives them an invitation to the library and observatory. Why you need an invitation to go to a library is beyond me.

As he is on his way to the library, he is taken in by a hospital staff for a physical. Apparently every new comer of Unicornicopia must undergo a physical by order of the Grand Ruler…

Wait a minute! Isn’t the name of the world Unicornicopia?! The magical land of Unicornicopia! That is what you said! Are you telling me this character has never been in Unicornicopia?! Then why the hell is the king from Unicornicopia taking in this foreigner from another country to be his apprentice for no reason?! Wouldn’t it make more sense to have someone from your own damn country be your apprentice?! And hell, wouldn’t he have taken his physical as soon as he arrived here or was made his apprentice?!

Just saying…

Anyway, after some stupid comical crap, the nurse named Penny Sillion tells Lightning that he can’t use magic.

No shit! Because you haven’t told us that like six times already! Just shut up about it and move on!

Anyways, after that pointless scene, they finally reach a library where they are thrown a surprise party.

MLP References: 8, having a party thrown for them. 9, having a party thrown for them in a library.

They meet with the librarian, Inquerius. Don’t know why I fucking care. I haven’t cared about anybody else in the story thus far.

During the party, we meet another character, because we don’t have enough underdeveloped characters yet! No, we have to have more underdeveloped, pointless characters to bolster our ranks!

The character, who I am not even going to bother naming, shows a magic trick to Lightning. The crowd goes wild and Lightning and Krysta find their chance to sneak out of the crowd to find a quiet place to collect their thoughts.

And what should happen? Hm…. Hm… I know! Let’s introduce another pointless character!

We meet up with Starla. Starla Shine, who is no doubt the romantic interest. Because on top of everything else, we needed a romantic interest that is also pointless. Starla reveals that she can read the stars and that the stars tell her that the evil sorcerer is coming back tonight. (By the way, her power to read the stars. Never mentioned again.)

MLP Reference: “The stars shall aid in her escape.” Number 10.

As you would expect the evil sorcerer comes back in a cloud of black smoke and lightning. He threatens to take all the magic for himself.

MLP Reference Number 11: The evil one comes back with evil threats.

We get an author’s note explaining the number codes.

If your wondering what all these code-numbers are for...

Like I said, this is not FIM. Things are different here, and that means, No Cuite Marks! Instead, we have code-numbers.

What the flying Dutchman fuck of an explanation is that?! You obviously have no idea what the cutie marks are about! Allow me to enlighten you! Cutie marks are a representation of who the pony is and what they do. It represents their job/life/special talent. It is what makes the characters who they are and who they are supposed to be.

What the fuck does your number code do?! Nothing! They do nothing! There is no reason to have these numbers! What the hell makes them work the way the cutie mark does?! If you took the numbers by themselves, what the fuck do they tell you about the character and their lifestyle?!

Let’s look at one, just to humor you. Code-Number: AO0C. That is Lightning. What the hell do you get from this number? No, seriously, just look at the number for a second! What does that tell you about the character? What does it fucking tell you about him?! Absolutely fucking nothing! Which is about as much as the author has given us!

Now, let’s look at the cutie mark from My Little Pony.

What do you see? I see butterflies. Okay, what do butterflies represent? Butterflies represent beauty, grace, softness, lightness, fluttering, delicate, and innocence. All that from one image! You don’t even have to see the character and yet you know more about this character than every character in this stupid story so far!

How far am I into this story?... Chapter 2! How many chapters are in this story?... 28 chapters?!

Shit!

I’m going to have to summarize some of this crap. Otherwise, my review will be longer than the story.

Anyway, Titan, the evil sorcerer, starts to capture unicorns to extract their magic to make himself more powerful. Lightning attempts to stop him, only to get his ass kicked.

We meet Brain, another pointless character who has a thing for saying the word ‘Satisfactory’. He says that he can help track down Titan.

He says that he is in a swamp on the other side of the mountain. Everybody else is too scared to go into the swamp at dark, despite them saying that they needed to save the innocents that Titan captured, and Lightning decides to go it alone.

We cut to Titan who has summoned his minions to help him. … Wait a minute, how the heck does he have minions? He was sealed in the Dimension of Darkness, wasn’t he? How long ago was that? Were these guys just waiting around for their master to be released? For that matter, how did Titan get free? He never explains how Titan gets out, it just sort of happens!

Anyway, the minions tell Titan that they have laid traps for anyone who would dare approach their lair.

We then cut back to Lightning, who is traversing the swamp in attempt to find the castle. We have the author explaining directly to the audience about how it is hard to see without any light.

Lightning finds out he is too chicken to go on because of the swamp’s creepy surroundings. But that’s okay because the fellowship of pointless characters that nobody cares about is here to save the day.

They do the three musketeer rip-off and then are attacked by a dog-wood.

The group runs in fear but is eventually saved by… paint blots? Yeah, apparently, each of the characters have a special attack that they feel the need to shout out. I guess rip-offing FIM wasn’t enough. He had to rip-off Digimon too.

And each of the unicorns uses their magical tricks to make their way through the swamp defeating each of the monsters and traps along the way… And that is exactly how it is worded… I am not kidding you guys. He took all the important moments he could have used to develop the characters, showing what their talents and abilities are, giving us deeper understand of the characters and who they are and said “Fuck that shit! None of that has anything to do with my Gary-Stu! “ Oh, I’m sorry, ‘your character’.

Also, your characters have wings! Why don’t they just fly over the swamp?! If you weren’t going to show us any of these moments anyway, it makes more sense to have them fly over it!

So apparently we get some background on the use of magic in the world. The magic they use is only to be used in self-defense or to heal others. Why? There is no reason why their magic shouldn’t be used in their daily lives. There is no explanation as to why they can’t use their magic to make life easier for them! If there was a valid explanation for why the unicorns can’t use their magic outside of battle, I would accept it, but there isn’t! Not a single shred of explanation!

So the author skips any exciting parts like facing boulders, pitfalls and every cool trap known to man with a sentence. And like that, they are on their way up the mountain. Again, your characters have wings! Why don’t they fly up the mountain?!

Then Rhymey gets a wonderful idea.

"Hey! A thought just occurs to me,
Why don't we try it musically?
It often helps to sing a song,
And it will help stay brave and headstrong."

Wait… Wait.. he’s joking right? Tell me he’s joking! There is no way that he is going to do a musical number for this story, is there? There is no fucking way he’s-!

Nope! They sing a fucking song! What the hell is your problem, pal?! We can’t hear the music being played to us! And this song came out of nowhere!

This just comes out of the blue with no reason other than to play us a pointless song that we can’t even hear! And apparently, only Lightning knows the words!

And as usual, we skip every potentially exciting scene all to get to the top of the mountain. They get into the bad guy’s lair and find the kidnapped unicorns.

They are then attacked by the minions of Titan. With that, we get some bad banter and a really boring fight scene.

They defeat the minions and are then approached by Titan, who entraps all but Lightning and Krysta. Lightning makes some speech about believing and attacks Titan. When all seems hopeless, Lightning gains the power of the Uniforce. Gee, didn’t see that coming.

Titan is defeated and vows to return.

Everyone starts cheering as the Grand Ruler trots into the room, telling everyone that he believed in them from the start. MLP Reference 12: Ruler of kingdom comes in after everything is all taken care of.

The Grand Ruler tells Lightning that he can tap into the Uniforce simply because he has a golden horn. Doesn’t that seem kind of flawed to anyone else? Think about it, if only unicorns with golden horns can use the Uniforce, what happens when all the unicorns with golden horns die? Are the unicorns in this world just screwed?

So they all go home, having learned about believing in yourself… I think… And a new chapter of Unicornicopia is written.

Now you get idea of how my characters are different.

Yes, I do. Your characters are so bland and boring, I actually had to split the reading of this chapter into six different sections, because it put me to sleep. One for each of the underdeveloped characters who we know absolutely nothing about. And that will probably not change in the next… 25 chapters…

Why the hell am I still reading this?!

In Episode Three, because now this is a series, Lightning gets a package that can’t be opened and some very vague information about the package, saying that Lightning will know what to do with it when the time is right.

Can I say I’ve always hated this kind of vague information giving? Just a pet peeve of mine. If you have information to give that could potentially save the world, why would you not give it to the one person who could save the world?

Lightning starts studying at the library to find out what the Uniforce is all about. Inquerius tries to help him and we figure out that she can only speak in questions. … This is more annoying than the character who can only speak in rhymes. What the hell is with these character’s speech patterns?

These speech patterns aren’t funny or cleaver. They’re actually really annoying. Why would these characters start talking like this?! At least with Zecora, it sort of makes sense, she’s from another country. Maybe that’s how everyone in her country speaks! But these unicorns are from the same damn country! Why the hell are they given different speech patterns?! Unless they grew up in a different part of the world and that’s why they would talk like that, it makes no sense! And even if that was the explanation, it’s never in the story! And if it’s not in the story, how is the reader supposed to know? Did you give them different speech patterns simply to distinguish them from every other character? Well, at least you did that. We wouldn’t want you to give them… heaven forbid… a personality!

Anyway, we cut back to Titan who plans to capture Lightning Dawn to steal his secrets. Exactly what secrets are we planning to steal here? The secret to his magically golden horn? His secrets of Unicornicopia’s defenses? How he was able to memorize a completely pointless song when no other character could?

Never really explained. The villain just wants Lightning, so he can be the main focus of the story… Again. The minions get some kind of powder that isn’t explained very well and are off to capture Lightning.

By the way, a lot of things that get mentioned are never brought up again. Be prepared for that.

We cut back to Lightning who is pointlessly eating at a restaurant with Cookie Dough. But leaves the restaurant as soon as he is on screen, making Cookie, once again, completely pointless.

I guarantee you if I kept track of how many times we have pointless scenes like this there wouldn’t be a high enough number. Anyway, Lightning and Krysta travel to Rose’s garden, where they see the most beautiful flowers in the entire world. So beautiful that they can’t even bothered to be shown or described to us. …

No, I am not.

The Beauti-Flors (seriously?) are so important that Rose needs Lighting to go pick up some seeds from Redwood Meadows for him. Lightning agrees since he is the town helper. Seriously, he couldn’t come up with a more masculine title? Like mercenary?

Lightning and Krysta took off and promised to be back by sundown. Along the way, they met up with Rhymey, who had just come from Redwood, but he looked a little.

A little? A little what? A little fucking what?!

It turns out that a monster has appeared in Redwood. A giant prickly… thing? I don’t know. It’s not described very well. Anyway, the creature turns out to be a servant of Titan. Dementia appears before Lightning can be smashed by the thing and tells Lightning to come willingly.

Lightning and Rhymey attack the creature, messing up Dementia’s mane and eyeliner in the process. She starts freaking out about her messed up appearance. … I wish I was kidding guys. I really do.

Lightning and Rhymey try to overcome the creature but the creature proves too powerful. It isn’t until Buddy Rose appears to attack the monster that hope starts to shine again.

Wait a minute! How the hell did Buddy Rose get there so fast?! And for that matter, why the hell would he know about the attack on his home town?! It wasn’t under attack when we last saw him! How it is that he knows about it before the attack and is able to get there fast enough that he can fight with Lightning and Rhymey?! … Why the hell am I still reading this?!

Anyway, Buddy Rose helps them attack the creature. That’s when the Deux Ex Machina… oh, I’m sorry, the package starts to glow. It turns out it is a magic wand that has the power of the Rainbow Force. I think it’s like the Uniforce, but that’s never explained. He chants some magic words and blasts the creature into oblivion and it turns into beautiful flowers…

Holy shit… Anyway, Dementia runs away and the heroes rejoice.

So they take the black dust back to Brian and learn that all the black dust has to do is touch something and it turns into a monster… This is starting to sound like a Sailor Moon plot… And not a very good one.

If they can turn anything into a monster version of anything, why the hell don’t they just sprinkle some on Lightning and turn him into a monster version of himself? Oh wait… That would actually be cool and this story is devoid of anything of the like.

Just an observation, but isn’t rather odd that a person who hates friendship is writing about a group of friends who work together to save the world? Just saying.

We get some information that the Grand Ruler is preparing his troops to defend against Titan. Oh yes, because they’ve been so useful thus far.

Lightning and Krysta have been running supplies to the troops and are exhausted. But there is no time to rest, because it’s fitness day! Yes, fitness day, where all the soldiers are forced to do workouts the entire day. … Weren’t they already doing that?… Whatever, I stopped caring after chapter 2.

He says that it’s a specialized training that teaches them to fight without magic. Doesn’t this kind of make magic in this world utterly pointless? They can’t use magic except in self-defense and for medical needs and now they use a specialized training that forces them to fight without magic. While I do see where it is important to be able to fight without magic, it builds up to nothing. This is never explored upon in the series, which makes this even more pointless!

Anyway, we see that Lightning really is a pussy since a little exercise causes him to pass out. Penny awakens him and tells him that it’s her fault for causing him to pass out. Way to take responsibility for yourself, Lightning.

We cut to Queen Beryl’s lair where Jedite tells the wicked queen that he has a plan that will kill Sailor Moon once and for all…

…. Wait, my mistake. I mistook this fan fiction for something good.

We cut to Titan’s lair, where Rep-Stallion tells the evil sorcerer that he has a plan that will kill the unicorns once and for all…

Anyone else getting déjà vu?

Anyway, Lightning and Starla have a pointless lovey moment when they are attacked by Rep-Stallion.

Rep-Stallion brings a rock to life as it magically springs legs and arms. The stone monster attacks them. Starla asks why Lightning doesn’t use the Rainbow Rod.

Lightning says that he can only use it if the monster’s weakness is exposed. … Really? … That seems like a really bad flaw in your biggest defense system. What if the monster doesn’t have a weakness or one that isn’t easily found? What do you do? Keep sacrificing unicorns until you discover the weakness? What happened to the power of believing?!

Anyway, Lightning and Starla try to fight the thing, only to get their asses kicked. Krysta is able to find the monster’s weakness by … making him dizzy? The hell?!

And then they manage to hit him in the mouth and it hurts it?... What the fuck?!

Anyway, with the monster’s weakness exposed, Lightning is finally able to do something and attacks it with the Rainbow Rod, turning it back into a harmless rock.

Jedite swears revenge on Sailor Moon and disappears…

Oh, shit. I did it again.

We then get a moment from the Grand Ruler about exercise and how it is important to do so… or some bull like that. I came here to be entertained! Not to be educated! And I can’t even do the first thing! (Lesson at the end of each ‘episode’: MLP Reference #13)

We then get to the next episode where it is raining… and nothing else happens. I’m serious… Unless you want the fact that they made an umbrella for Kyrsta… Yeah, I didn’t think so.

We then cut to Titan where the next minion makes his threats… Blah, Blah, Blah.

He’s repeating the same exact sequence as the previous two chapters! I’m not even kidding you guys! Here’s how this next chapter and some to follow go! Characters do something, Minion swears to kill characters, characters get attacked by monster that has to relate to what they were doing before, characters kill monster with single shot blast, Minion runs away, characters celebrate, learn a pointless lesson, lather, rinse, repeat!

So, I’m just going to give you the low down on this chapter. And the next few.

We get some scenes where Rhymey does his thing… for way too long I might add…

Mysterious, Titan’s minion, attacks the city of Bluesville… Why he is there is beyond me... He captures the unicorns working at a water plant and uses the rain to create a monster. (By the way, what happened to Lightning’s secrets? Unless, they discovered that Lightning is too stupid to know anything?)

Meanwhile, Brian shows the team his latest invention.

The Elemental Radar Receptor in Finding Interesting Characters. Terrific, for short.

… … …

… … I’d make a joke about finding interesting characters… but it’s far too easy…

They use the device to find an elemental disturbance in Bluesville. They go the water plant and attack the water monster… who uses a mist to cloud the entire building? … And he and his master, Mysterious, can’t see through it?...

So they manage to beat it by freezing the water and having Lightning go hocus pocus on him…

If it seems like I’m rushing through this… I am… Not that you are missing much.

The next episode shows us that Titan has come up with a plan to capture Krysta and hold her hostage to make Lightning surrender. … Why didn’t they do that before?… Hell, who knows?

We then cut to the others where we learn that Krysta feels lost in this world of Unicornicopia. And we finally… Finally gets some backstory on Lightning and Krysta… And it sucks every bit as much as you’d think it would.

It turns out a long time ago, before he came to Unicornicopia, Lightning lived in another dimension with his parents.

It’s really not that far off. His parents were killed by some vague evil and he is left wandering his dimension as the sole survivor of his race. Many people distrust him for his golden horn. … I’m not kidding… He then comes across and rescues a fairy. He is in awe as a fairy isn’t usually seen in his dimension. And you gave Artie a hard time?!

The fairy tells him that she can’t remember what she was doing or where her home is. Only that her name is Krysta. They then get attacked by some Dog-wood. Just when all hope is lost, they are saved by the tri-horned unicorn. And apparently, the Tri-horned unicorn sees something special in Lightning and says that he will make him his apprentice… Just like that… Just out of the fucking blue…

This background story sucks! Why the hell is Lightning taken in as the Tri-Horned Unicorn’s apprentice for no freaking reason?! He’s not even a native of Unicornicopia! He’s an outsider! Why is an outsider more qualified to be an apprentice than someone who already lives there?! And for that matter, why is he connected to the Uniforce, if the Uniforce only exists in Unicornicopia?!

We then cut to Krysta singing, in the style of Barney and Friends: Oh What a Day… I’m not kidding you guys. He wrote that. Not me. I had nothing to do with this!

Krysta sings her sad song and then is led by a magical light that promises to show her the way home.

Because you should always trust a strange looking light that offers you things…

Anyway, Lightning and the gang hear trouble at the Big Brown Canyon.

Lightning and Starla find a message and a map. The message states that if Lightning wants to see Krysta again, he will follow the path in the mine. Lightning and Starla go in and find Krysta in a cage. Krysta insults Dementia’s look and the evil minion flips out… I’m super cereal.

The heroes attack the minions only to be captured by Titan. Titan tells Lightning to give up his power in exchange for his friends’ lives. Lightning, of course, surrenders his power to Titan. It looks like that Lightning is going to die, friendship is going to be dead and this crappy fan fiction is finally going to end.

When suddenly… KA BOOM!

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…

…

What the fuck?! Two unicorns named Dyno and Mite appear out of nowhere and attack Titan! What the hell?! This is the most contrived thing I’ve ever read! It’s like the author couldn’t come up with a way for them to get out of this, so he made up two characters at the last second to save their asses! Great! That’s just great! That’s just what I needed! Two more useless characters that I don’t care about! You could make a 101 Dalmatians movie with all the characters in this story I don’t give a fuck about!

The Uniforce kicks in at the last second… the heroes win… Blah, Blah, Blah… I don’t care… Let’s just move on to the next stupid chapter…

The next episode introduces us to a character named Abra Kadabra. He was in chapter 2 of the story, but he was in ONE scene and was never seen again until now. And he is as pointless here as he was there. Abra has fallen on hard times saying that Titan’s rampage has kept him from performing.

Titan attacked Bluesville, a training center, a mineshaft, a water factory and Redwood! He’s not even close to the city of Rainbow! Why the hell is Abra out of a job?! If Titan had actually attacked the Rainbow City (I don’t care to remember its name), then I would buy it! But you’re telling me that he had a show in a mineshaft?!

Cookie Dough offers Abra a second job to help him in the kitchen until he can get back on his feet.

Meanwhile, the minions of Titans do the lather, rinse, repeat scheme.

Abra finds out that he’s not very good at washing dishes and then Lightning says something stupid.

“Abra, you’re lucky…” added Lightning. “At least you can do all these things. I can’t even do a simple card trick, let alone do actual magic other than the Uniforce and my Rainbow rod.”

Yes, because having the power to literally kill the only evil being in this realm sucks so badly. Your life is plagued with so much shit… Oh… wait… No, it isn’t!

In a world that can only use magic in self-defense, you whine about being only able to use magic in self-defense!?! Why the hell is this even brought up if Lightning is bound by the same limitations as everybody else?! If the people in this world could use magic to better their lives, I would be a little more understanding! But the fact that they can only use magic in self-defense makes Lightning’s whining look stupid!

I want my whining to be justified!

Anyway, they get attacked by Dementa who creates an army of mirror monsters. (Seriously, why the hell don’t they sprinkle some dust on a whole bunch of items and create a massive army.)

Lightning and Krysta attack, get there ass kicked, Abra saves the day, Lightning kills it… You know… nothing new here.

Now, Abra is permanently put into Cookie’s restaurant as an entertainer. Hopefully, he’ll get as much screen time as Cookie.

The next episode is pretty much the same, with Titan using nightmares to attack the citizens. This would be interesting except that it is pretty much like every other episode so far. As such, it’s pretty damn predictable.

And for those of you who are thinking, “This would be a good time to explore the character’s worst fears and get to know them.” And I would agree with you, except that the author doesn’t touch on that! And when he does, it’s as stupid as everything else we’ve seen thus far.

The only depth we get into is Lightning’s dream and even that is just a rip off of Twilight Sparkle’s fear. Also, this story would be cool if they actually fought in their dreams since there is a whole realm of infinite possibilities, but that never happens. (Does copying Twilight’s fear count?... Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway. Number 14.)

The next episode sees an interesting bit about Titan…

It turns out that Titan was picked on as a child for being too weak and that is the reason why he is evil. … Bit of a weak reason, but at least he’s … trying... I think… It’s certainly better than Lightning’s background story! (Spoilers: It’s not.)

And that’s about the only thing interesting here. Other than we get to meet Greenland… I wish it was the country. I really do.

If it seems like I’m skipping a lot, trust me, you people will thank me for it!

We then come to our first two part-er since the opening and I know what you are thinking, “Does it suck as much as the last one did?”

God, how many chapters have I gone through?... Eleven!... Somebody shoot me…

Today is a very special day where the Grand Ruler comes to inspect his kingdom to make sure everything is running smoothly, with all of the characters doing their parts. And apparently, Abra Kadabra is now a main character. Oh, joy…

And when I say all the characters, I mean all of them. Yep, it’s a reunion of pointless characters that were introduced for one scene but then are forgotten about up till this point.

We then get Inquerius, who seems to be doing nothing but bitching the entire time. And I already made the South Park joke in my last review, so I will not be doing it again.

She says that the Grand Ruler wouldn’t approve of trivial things like loud music and party games. And of course, not everyone is happy with it. And yet they agree. There’s no explanation as to why, but I’m going to guess so that she’ll stop bitching.

We cut to Titan who is planning to crash the party with another attack… Gee, what a surprise…

We then cut to the Grand Ruler who is just arriving at the party dedicated to him. Lightning offers to help his with his luggage, but the Grand Ruler says he can handle it, levitating his bags to his room at the top of the hotel.

…
…

The Grand Ruler is an asshole! Why is it that everyone has to follow the rules of not using magic to make their lives better, but the Grand Ruler can do whatever the hell he wants?! The Grand Ruler uses magic to pick up his bags and put them into his hotel room! Why can’t everybody else do that?! There is no explanation other than he is a fucking prick! And what’s worse?! Everybody is okay with this! They actually start applauding in awe! What sort up messed up society is this?!

Anyway, after that stupidity, the Grand Ruler enters the party where disco music starts playing, because apparently disco is the big thing here.

Inquerius starts bitching about how the Grand Ruler wouldn’t approve of this since he is much too old and powerful to need such trivial things as having fun.

All through the night everyone enjoys themselves except for Inquerius, of course, who learns a valuable lesson about having fun and cutting loose. Oh, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, they get on the dance floor, with the Grand Ruler using his magic to create a light show. …

Inquerius finally asks why the Grand Ruler is enjoying himself among common events. The Grand Ruler explains that he too likes to have fun like everybody else.

MLP References #15: Ruler of kingdom is a fun lover at heart.

After a stupid musical number, Titan and his minions attack, saying that their days are numbered. And what did that chapter do for us?... Abso-fucking-lutely nothing! This chapter was the biggest waste of reading I’ve ever done! It served nothing to the overall story! We still have no idea what Titan’s big plan is! And all Inquerius did this whole time was …

Remember when I said that Titan had an interesting background story. Well, the author manages to take the only thing I found interesting about one of his characters and turns it into something cheesy, stupid and completely moronic!

He apparently comes from the Dimension of Evil… Seriously?! There he is picked on because he can’t perform magic like the other unicorns. No worries, all you need to do is say that “I’ve been training to not use magic in battle as well as outside it.” Nobody would know you can’t use magic due to the training exercises that teaches unicorns how to fight without magic.

However, he learns how to master an absorption spell that takes the magic of all the beings in the Dimension of Evil.

The unicorns are in shock that “That boy was Titan?!” Why the hell are you people being sympathetic to him?! He’s trying to kill you! If he had been picked on by a dimension that wasn’t evil, I would be more sympathetic than I am now! But with this new revelation, I could give less than a rat’s ass about Titan.

Titan attacks saying that he wants to turn this world into a Dimension of Darkness just like he did with his home world. Frankly, I don’t understand the difference between evil and darkness since in the context of this world they’re the same damn thing, but whatever.

We then get a lot of background story on Titan and his invasion to take over the entire multi-verse. Way to go, pal. You’ve managed to stop an incredibly boring fight scene all for the sake of exposition. I’m so glad that this background on how evil Titan is will contribute to the story nicely. It’s not like he’s tried to kill the other characters on several occasions and that proves he’s evil. Nope, we have to have a whole background segment of just how evil he really is. … And it is never mentioned again!

The exposition finally ends and Titan and the Grand Ruler do battle, while the others battle Titan’s minions.

What exactly was Titan’s plan here? It looks like all he’s doing is just showing up and boasting that he’s going to kill them all. Was his whole plan to reveal how he was bullied as a child and that he wants everyone to feel sorry for him? That plan makes no damn sense! What would make you think that showing a civilization, that you are trying to kill, pictures of how bad you had it suddenly make them hate you less?! Did it ever occur to you that this plan is completely and utterly stupid?!

Anyway, Lightning eventually joins his leader and the two use the Uniforce to beat Titan. The Grand Ruler then tells him that the true magic is found within ourselves. Our courage, strength, faith, determination, kindness, confidence, willpower and love. But it can only be used in battle or to heal others, not to make our own lives better.

Titan vows to return and we get an author’s note.

This fic isn’t over yet… Not by a longshot

We then repeat the damn lather, rinse, repeat scheme with another few episodes. They go to Orange Ranch where the minions of Titan attack them. The group defeat the minions and they run away. Making this story completely pointless.

The Grand Ruler says that the characters need some power rocks that they will use to make themselves more powerful and says that they will need to travel to other dimensions to protect the world.

But enough about this stupid chapter, onto the next one.

The Grand Ruler starts looking for the power stones throughout dimensions. The bad guys band together a monster and send it to attack the heroes.

We get some crap where Lightning and Starla start to show romantic interests towards one another. So, who all saw that coming?!

The minions transform into a single giant monster and attack the heroes. What you thought ‘band together’ was a joke? … I wish it was.

Anyway, at the last second, they use one of the power stones to make themselves more powerful and defeat the minions again.

The minions run away and swear revenge.

(God, this is getting monotonous.)

Lighting and Starla start making out and Rhymey and Krysta show how immature they are.

“Lightning and Starla sitting in a tree…
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

“Lightning’s got a mare friend! Lightning’s got a mare friend!”

How old are you two?! Five?! Not that the romantic interest is that good anyway, but for God’s sake, they’re fully grown characters! Fully grown characters do not act like this! Why the hell are they acting like immature bastards?! Why doesn’t Lightning just Rainbow Rod their asses?! What the hell am I still reading this for?!

Okay… we’ve finally reached the damn halfway mark… So please… Go get yourself some water… beer… or whatever you need to keep yourself sane, because the rest of this shit does not get any better…

Brain makes some spray paint that can make things invisible and the bad guys want it. There’s some other stuff here to, but it’s as stupid as everything else we’ve seen.

Dementa attacks trying to steal the spray paint, but it goes over about as well as any other plan the villains have had.

The next episode sees the Grand Ruler saying that he has found one of the stones they need to find. Artie, Rose and Doctor Sillon volunteer to go after it.

They travel to another dimension in search of the missing stone. I would say that this would be a perfect time to give us some character development, but the author doesn’t care about that. So that, like everything else thus far, would be pointless.

Artie gets separated from the group and meet up with Ilia, the elf. Pointless! Never seen again!

They then get attack by a sea serpent. They defeat the serpent and escape with the rainbow stone.

We then come to our next two part-er, Fight in the Dimension of Darkness.

Lightning starts getting nightmares about the sea serpent, known as the Serpent-Tyrant, as it is the creature that killed his parents.

Honestly, does anyone care?

Krysta take Lightning to Doctor Sillion. The doctor gives Lightning a shot to help him through his nightmares and Lightning acts like an asshole.

“Thanks for nothing,”

Anyone else hate this character as much as I do? I doubt it.

The villains… That’s all I need to say.

Lightning has a pointless moment with Starla and then Krysta asks Lightning why he hasn’t asked Starla to be her mare-friend.

You were making fun of him because she was his mare-friend! And now you are telling me that they aren’t together! Did we forget about that pointless adventure?! Krysta, YOU ARE STUPID!

The villains appear and promise that if Lightning doesn’t show up to their ‘special challenges’ they’ll destroy the kingdom. Because their plans have worked so well in the past.

Anyway, as you would expect, Lightning and the gang accept the challenge.

The heroes arrive at the arena and the minions teleport them to the Dimension of Darkness. … Wait a minute! If they could teleport the heroes to the Dimension of Darkness when they first met, then why the hell are they just doing it now?! The story DOES tell us that they learn new projectile attacks, but where the hell did this come from?! It comes out of nowhere and it is never explained why they haven’t used it until now!

The heroes split up to try to outmaneuver the minions and end up getting their butts kicked… What? I had to say something besides ass.

Lightning then passes out due to the shot from earlier…. Yeah, did I mention that the shot injected by the doctor would cause him to pass out when he least expected it? No? Because I was saving it for this moment… What the freaking hell?! Your nation is under constant attack! There is an evil force that is trying to kill all of your people who will attack at any moment! And you want to inject the guy who is your only defense against them with a serum that will make him drowsy at any moment?!

The minions attack the heroes while they’re distracted, but the heroes magically get away. … I just don’t care anymore…

Then after a few moments, Lightning starts to come back into consciousness… Stupid. I know.

One of the minions nearly blows up the castle of Titan in her frustration of not being able to find the heroes. Fortunately, one of the other minions stops her attack from reaching the castle. … Are you begging for a competent villain yet? Believe me, you won’t get one.

The heroes decide to go to Titan’s castle believing that if the minions didn’t want it blown up, there must be something important inside. It’s their home, you idiots! Of course, they don’t want it blown up! Why is everyone here a complete and total moron?!

The team splits up and finds a bunch of traps that are not explained and then end up back where they started. Gee, that was exciting… More please… Note sarcasm.

We are then treated to the greatest fight scene that this story has to offer. And that is exactly how it is worded in the story. Because telling us that this is the greatest fight scene ever clearly convinces us to think that. It’s not like showing us how and why this is the greatest fight scene ever would make us think “Hmmm… Maybe this is the greatest fight scene ever.” Nope, we just have to take your word for it…

I HATE THIS STORY!

Lightning then promises to surrender himself to the villains. And then he takes them out by tricking them into fighting each other. That is how he takes them out! It’s not even very clever! He just flies past one of them as one of them makes an attack! And then for no reason, even though they are clearly winning, they start attacking each other!

… Wake me up when this story is over…

They then defeat the minions and return to their own Dimension. Lightning still hasn’t asked Starla to be his mare-friend… Because that is so important right now!

A fairy appears in the next episode right before the Grand Ruler raises the sun. MLP Reference #16: the ruler of kingdom raises the sun. He’s not even trying anymore.

Lightning and Krysta wake up and meet the mysterious new fairy. (There also a song here, but frankly, I stopped caring about them) MLP Reference #17: Every few episodes we get a musical number.

That’s when find out that Krysta is a queen.

Oh… wait… I don’t care.

The fairy introduces himself as Mallow and that he comes from the valley of fairies. He says that they’ve been searching for her ever since she disappeared. Mallow asks them to come with him and makes a dimensional portal out of nowhere, because apparently he can do that.

Anyway, they get to the realm of fairies and in no time at all a feast is prepared for them.

We then get a long exposition of what fairies are and what they do, because this chapter wasn’t long enough so it needed to be drawn out with some stupid exposition.

It turns out that an evil monster had come to their land demanding some treasure. Krysta, of course, refused to give the treasure to the monster and left the land leaving her people to fend for themselves… And they want her back? Why?!

Krysta asks why she doesn’t remember anything and then Mallow tells them that he can restore her memories.

Anyway, as you expected, just before they cure Krysta of her amnesia, the Serpent-Tyrant attacks. Lightning tries to fight him, but gets his flank kicked. I’m getting tired of saying ‘getting his ass kicked’ okay.

Anyway, Krysta does some hocus pocus and comes out wearing battle armor. It also reveals that the treasure was actually a rainbow stone and that when she hid the stone, she sealed her own memoires away. Convenient.

The fairies band together and create a giant wormhole to suck Serpent-Tyrant into another Dimension. Lightning steps in and uses the Uniforce and defeats the Serpent-Tyrant, with him declaring…

Anyway, Krysta and Lightning say their goodbyes and Lightning leaves the fairy village forever… Never to see Krysta again…

Of course not, because that would add actual drama and character progression and we can’t have that, can we?

As for the Serpent-Tryant, since he can make dimensional portals whenever he wants, he travels back to the fairy village and kills the fairies… At least, that’s what should have happened.

Hey guys I finally figured out what we are supposed to believe in…

Aren’t I nice how I post a video you could be watching rather than reading this review?

The Grand Ruler then tells us of another dimension where we can find another rainbow stone. A world of friendship and magic. Krysta says that it is the world where she hid her rainbow stone… a land called Equestria.

Yes. That’s right. Equestria… E-freaking-questria. The land of Equestria. The land where the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is set. His characters are going to visit Equestria. … I’m not sure whether to be really excited or really afraid.

The minions of Titan moan about how pathetic they are. They are then approached by a mysterious unicorn that is clouded in darkness. She says that with her help the minions will become unstoppable. When the minions ask who the mysterious mare is, she reveals herself to be…

“Nightmare… Nightmare Moon is my name!”

Oh, my god! He’s going to turn Luna into a terrible villain! Everybody run for your lives! Turn off your computers and run! Escape this tragic fate! End it before it has a chance to begin!

We then cut to the Grand Ruler’s palace where they are preparing for their journey to Equestria. However, it is revealed that Rhymey is the only one that is going.

… What? … What?! … WHAT?! You are going to send the most annoying character you have to go to Equestria?! … I think he just gave me the middle finger!

With Rhymey on his way, Lightning and Krysta speak to the Grand Ruler. The Grand Ruler decides now to tell about his background story. Great… Let’s get this over with…

It is revealed that the Tri-horned unicorn was picked on because of his three horns. And that the worst of the bunch was a unicorn named Dusk Shine.

As time went on, The Grand Ruler began to discover talents that he could perform with his magic. But was still unable to make friends. … Seriously, is everypony in this dimension just dicks?! Do you seriously expect me to believe that every single pony in this world is just a closed minded dumbass?!

Anyway, he manages to find a spell to cover his two horns making it only seem like he only had one. Don’t know how this would fool Dusk Shine, but whatever.

At an event called the Pony Games, his eye meets with the most beautiful mare he’s ever seen. Want to wager a guess who it could be? That’s right! Princess Celestia!

Grand Ruler, I’ll say this for you… You have a good taste in mares.

Anyway, the Grand Ruler, despite being shy, manages to gather the courage to speak to Celestia. Oh, you lucky dog you.

The two share some awkward moments that actually aren’t written very well and Celestia says that she will join the Grand Ruler at the games. (his real name is revealed here, but it’s too dumb to say)

The Grand Ruler and Celestia go to the games, where something stupid happens and his three horns are revealed. Everyone starts laughing at him, except for Celestia. The Grand Ruler runs off fearing that Celestia wouldn’t want anything to do with him. And I’ll give credit where credit is due, he manages to keep Celestia pretty well in character and she follows him, telling him that she doesn’t care what he looks like.

She goes a little overboard in telling him he is special, but that’s a little thing when compared to everything else that has happened so far… And everything that is going to happen from this point on.

The two begin to spend more time together getting to know one another and teaching each other things they might have never known and the Grand Ruler starts to learn about friendship.

So, as it turns out, Princess Celestia is officially crowned the ruler of Canterlot and is looking for a right hand pony. I know it’s supposed to be hoof, but that is how it is written in the story. Don’t shoot the messenger… On second thought, kill me now!

Also, Dusk Shine has also come into the picture to ruin the Grand Ruler’s chances of becoming Celestia’s right hand pony. And any respect I had for this part of the story with a bland, boring, brainless bully.

The Grand Ruler battles his way through the tournament with Dusk not far behind. (Oh and by the way all the tournament is skipped over. Thanks for not showing us what the tournament is about.)

The final battle with the Grand Ruler and Dusk commences… and then is over in a sentence. What the hell did they do?! Were they fighting?! Magic Tricks?! Stand-up comedy?! Anyway, whatever they do, it ends up with the Grand Ruler losing… Wow… That’s pretty bold… Wow, I actually never expect that kind of twist... So much emotion and potential character development and heartbreak and NOPE!

It turns out that during water breaks, Dusk had slipped some sleeping potion into the Grand Ruler’s water! When discovered, Dusk is disqualified and the Grand Ruler is made the winner! What the fuck?! Are you serious?! Are you out of your mind?! You took the most powerful and emotional part of your story, the most powerful scene you could have possibly set up for a story and you pissed on it! You pissed on it, buried in your backyard for a week, unburied it, took a shit on it, had your dog take a shit on it, had your dog eat it, barf it out, had your cat shit on it, had your dog eat it again, and then shit it out so you could shit on it and burn it!

GOD, I HATE THIS STORY!

…So anyway… The Grand Ruler is knighted and the princess shares a dance with him. After a long winded song, the Grand Ruler proposes to Celestia. But all was not well, for in the background, getting no attention whatsoever, is Luna/Nightmare Moon, threating to overthrow her sister and turn the world into an eternal night.

It’s okay, Luna. We still love you… We just love Celestia more.

Anyway, the Grand Ruler uses the power of the Uniforce to defeat Nightmare Moon’s minions. I would say that using the Uniforce on Nightmare Moon’s minions was necessary, but given the terrible rate of villain minions in this world, I’d say that was overkill.

The use of the Uniforce leaves the Grand Ruler defenseless and Nightmare Moon attacks, only to be stopped by Celestia and her Elements of Harmony. However, the battle hurls the Grand Ruler into another dimension where he is currently trapped. Unicornicopia. Also apparently, the Elements of Harmony can open dimensional gateways. Who knew?

He whines about how he is stuck in this dimension and he begins to create life in his world and become the ruler of said life. He then vows to watch over the dimensions as a protector. However, he longs to see the mare he loved, Celestia.

Then why the hell don’t you just go to Equestria?! You obviously have the capacity to! What the hell is stopping you from going to Equestria and getting back together with Celestia?! Now for those of you who are starting to freak out, no, I don’t want this guy to get back together with Celestia! But if this guy is going to whine about not being with Celestia, then why the hell isn’t there any reason why he just doesn’t go back to her?!

And for those of you that are wondering, here’s his reason.

“I cannot abandon my subjects after all this time and all we have endured.”

You don’t do anything! Anytime there is a problem, Lightning is the one who solves the problem, not you! And Lightning barely does anything! He has his friends do all the work! As for you, all you do is use magic that is forbidden in your own land and oppress people so that they can’t use magic to better their lives! Frankly, maybe it is a good thing you don’t see Celestia! If she found out how you abuse your power and repress your subjects, she’d look at you with shame!

We end our episode with the characters wondering how Rhymey is doing. Hopefully, Pinkamena’s gotten to him. That’d be one cupcake I’d be okay with.

Oh and for those of you who won’t stop pestering me about his real name… The Grand Ruler’s real name… Is Celesto.

Yep… I had the same reaction… Real imagination there, huh?

Our next episode actually takes place in Equestria, where we find our Mane 6 preparing for their second attendance to the Grand Galloping Gala, hoping for a much better time than their first time.

Fluttershy says she doesn’t want to go and Applejack snaps at her when she doesn’t immediately respond why.

That’s a mighty bit out of character right there, partner.

We then get the six talking about how they just want to dance with colts. Because that was clearly their motivation for going the first time… Well, at least Rarity it was.

Anyway, night falls and Fluttershy sees a falling star. She wishes upon it saying that she wants to have more courage to go to the Gala. The star turns about to be a portal in which Rhymey lands and scares Fluttershy.

He then asks Fluttershy to take him to the ruler of Equestria. Yes, because you should trust a stranger who can only speak in rhymes and is mysterious and you know nothing about…

Okay. I’ll cut this one some slack, but don’t think I’m not watching you.

Rhymey starts flirting with Fluttershy… God, I feel sick… He then explains why he is here and that he needs to find a Rainbow Stone. Fluttershy invites him into her home and suddenly Rhymey’s horn starts to glow indicating that there is a Rainbow Stone nearby. Yes, apparently all the unicorn horns are connected to the Rainbow Stone… Contrived but whatever.

Rhymey finds part of the Rainbow Stone in Fluttershy’s house and is off to bed. Applejack stops by at Fluttershy’s house, once again being completely out of character here. Fluttershy tries to tell her about Rhymey, but Applejack doesn’t believe her.

Applejack’s the freaking element of Honesty! Fluttershy has given no reason for Applejack not to believe her! Aside from Fluttershy, Applejack is probably the most empathetic character in the group! She’s the loyalist of friends and most dependable of ponies! She worked herself to point of exhaustion in order to help out the town and keep up on her chores! And you’re telling me that this is how Applejack is supposed to act?! Here’s a thought, do some freaking research before writing about something you know nothing about!

Anyway, we cut to Canterlot Garden where Discord has been released by an evil being. The evil being then turns Discord into his slave. … Yeah, way to demote the best villain in the series into a useless minion.

Anyway, Rhymey shows up and Twilight and Spike mistake him for Fluttershy. He’s got a freaking horn on his head, he’s male, he’s wearing battle armor that has a stupid code number on it, and he’s speaking in constant rhymes! And you are telling me that Twilight and Spike are so stupid that they can’t clearly recognize him from one of their closest friends?! It makes no freaking sense! It breaks the characters out of anything resembling the original canon and…

(Long rant that nobody cares about)

… Huff… Puff… I’m so glad I got that out…

Anyway, Rhymey returns to Fluttershy’s cottage, where he explains everything that has happened in Unicornicopia.

Fluttershy doesn’t want Rhymey to leave saying that she’s formed a powerful bond with him. Apparently, it’s strong enough to ditch her friends who she has known for at least 2 seasons, for a guy she met yesterday… Yay, now even Fluttershy is out of character.

We then cut to Rainbow Dash and Twilight making fun of Fluttershy, who was actually Rhymey in disguise, for saying she was from another dimension. Geez, if this is how you see the characters, it’s no wonder you hate the show.

The group then agree to dress up as winged unicorns as part of a joke on Fluttershy. Here you go ladies and gentlemen; he just turned our beloved characters into his stupid ass unicorns for no fucking purpose. If that isn’t a sucker punch to the gut, I don’t know what is.

At the Gala, Fluttershy and Rhymey dance the night away. … Shit… he seriously just paired the most annoying character in his story with my favorite character in the show… Well, at least things can’t get much worse… Spoilers: I’m wrong. It does get worse.

Fluttershy says she has a gift for Rhymey, but that she’s left it in the coach. So, she runs off to grab it. Twilight Asshole and the other stupid characters come up and start making fun of Rhymey.

Rhymey says he has to leave but not before Fluttershy shows up and everyone believes that Rhymey and Fluttershy are two different ponies.

Fluttershy forgives them for acting like assholes and Rhymey teleports back to his world.

We then cut to the Grand Ruler who has a… shrine dedicated to Celestia? … Okay, that just went from sweet to creepy.

Back in Equestria, Twilight discovers a note that says that Nightmare Moon has kidnapped Princess Celestia… And you know what the worst thing is about all this?… I get to see my favorite characters being butchered in this 6 part finale!

Shit!

Celestia awakens in a chamber and finds out that Luna has also been captured. Nightmare Moon explains that when Twilight and friends defeated her, Nightmare Moon was split into two halves. One half being Luna and Nightmare Moon the other and that Nightmare Moon had been banished through a dimensional wormhole.

Nightmare Moon explains that she plans to turn all the ponies into her slaves and that she wants to keep the two alive so that they can bear witness to her power.

Back in Unicornicopia, the group gathers their three Rainbow Stone and makes plans to retrieve the last one. The group goes to Brian’s lab where the serpent soldiers attack. The main serpent, the Serpent Tyrant, comes to the city and reveals that he is Titan’s father…

DUN! DUN! … I DON’T CARE!

We get some backstory on why Titan is his son, but I’m not going to go into that as my review is already too long. Not that you are missing much.

It turns out that the final Rainbow Stone is in the Serpent Tyrant’s possession, right on his forehead. How nobody managed not to see that, I will never know. The Serpent reveals that he wants the stones so that he can return the Dimension of Evil to all its former glory. The heroes then attack him hoping to overpower him.

We then cut back to Equestria, where Nightmare Moon’s minions attack. Nightmare Moon threatens to kill Twilight if her friends don’t surrender and promise to be her slaves. Which of course they do. And so ends, Part 1 of this six part-er… Yep, only part 1.

We start our second part with the mane 6 working as slaves to Nightmare Moon. And nothing interesting happens.

We go back to Unicornicopia where all the exciting stuff happens. Or at least it would be exciting if the fight scenes were any good. The heroes wound the serpent, but then find out that he has Wolverine’s healing factor. Where’s the Uniforce when you really need it?

Lightning then uses the Rainbow Force to defeat Serpent’s minions. Again, where the hell is the Uniforce so this part can end already?!

The Serpent pins them down and it looks like it finally might be over when all of the sudden the Grand Ruler appears with the other three Rainbow Stones. With them gathered, the fourth one pops out of the serpent’s head, severely weakening him. I would ask why, but I’m just glad this stupid villain is about to die.

Anyway, the stones give the heroes a power boost and they are able to kill the serpent.

They then discover what is happening in Equestria and decide to go on a rescue mission. We cut to Celestia and Luna trapped in their prisons when suddenly Krysta appears and frees them.

Part 3 starts with Unicornicopia preparing a feast for Princesses Celestia and Luna, since it is so obviously more important than planning a rescue mission for Princess Celestia’s subjects. It’s not like they’re dying and starving… Oh, wait!

Celestia and the Grand Ruler have a heartfelt reunion about how they’ve missed each other. By the way, Celestia, you might want to know that your boyfriend forbids his unicorns from using magic to make their lives better and stopped his plans to prevent Nightmare Moon from killing everypony you hold dear, all just to impress you!

The next day, Luna gathers some of the unicorns and begins the rescue mission. They travel to Nightmarica (Seriously?!) in hopes of freeing Twilight Sparkle and the others.

Meanwhile, Celestia is enjoying a tour of Unicornicopia and not even thinking about her friends that are enslaved and that her sister is in harm’s way… You know… Now that I think about it… Celestia is completely out of character… WHY?!

Anyway, the minions attack Celestia and Lightning. The Grand Ruler finds out about this and joins the fray.

And Part 3 ends with Discord making his own plans…

If it seems like I’m rushing through this… Believe me I am.

Part 4 starts with the minions attacking, multiplying themselves a hundred times to create an army. The heroes attack but find out there are too many of them and decide that if they defeat the real minions the clones will disappear.

Meanwhile in Equestria (I’m not calling it that other word), Luna and her team manages to sneak into the castle. They then find the main six where Rarity is being forced to clean a chimney. Because when you think evil, you think chimney sweeps. They come to a door where Luna says they keep the Elements of Harmony. But Nightmare Moon appears and tries to stop them.

Back in Unicornicopia, the fight with the minions is going badly for the heroes and as always, an even bigger threat comes and calls off the minions attack, even though they were clearly winning. A giant silver dragon named Discord… He turned Discord into a dragon? … Anyone know any good booze for this problem?

Anyway, the heroes attack Discord and find out they are powerless against him. Gee, what a shocker. They then retreat to the one place they will be safe. The Safe Dimension…

Meanwhile, Rhymey, under mind control by Nightmare Moon, is about to finish off his friends, ending part 4.

Part 5 starts with the heroes repelling Rhymey’s attack. The main six attempt to come up with a plan to fight back while… cleaning floors? Are you freaking kidding?!

Meanwhile, the heroes escape the Safe Dimension and dig themselves out of the rubble that once was Rainbow Palace. They then make their way to an airship… Great, on top of everything we have an airship… Thank god this piece of shit is almost over.

They use the airship to battle Discord. After the airship fails, making it completely pointless, Lightning and the Grand Ruler attack with the Uniforce, but are ineffective. However, Celestia attacks with the power of… The Uniforce?!

This story makes no fucking sense! Why the hell does Celestia have the power to use the Uniforce?! According to your lore, only unicorns with golden horns can harness the power of the Uniforce! Are you saying that anyone with a horn can use the Uniforce?!

You know what I’m done! Let’s just finish this stupid ass story as quickly as possible.

We cut back to Nightmare Moon who is about to execute the main characters. Twilight and the others spring their trap and… trip the guard with their chains? Twilight is one of the smartest characters in Equestria and the best plan they can come up with is tripping the guard?! … Well, it worked, thanks to the villains being completely stupid!

The main six continue to be completely out of character as they make their escape. They steal the Elements of Harmony back from Nightmare Moon.

The minions of Titan threaten Twilight and her friends, but before they can attack the heroes, Nightmare Moon merges herself with them to become Nightmaricus. (Oh, holy shit.) The heroes attack but are unable to defeat her. The heroes of Unicornicopia finally arrive and aid their friends in Equestria. They then defeat Nightmaricus with almost no trouble. And finally our story is ending.

But then an evil monster comes out of fucking nowhere and threatens our heroes at the end of Part 5.

It turns out that the evil being is actually Titan…

Dun… Dun... Freaking dun…

It turns out that after the battle where they supposedly killed him, he had been turned into a blob like creature who had been manipulating everything in his favor. Don’t worry, it’s almost over.

So it turns out that Celestia can use the Uniforce simply because she had interacted with the Tri-Horned Unicorn for so long. Sure, because Lois Lane can use Superman’s powers just because they had romantic interest towards one another. Or Vicky Vale can use Batman’s martial art skills because she sat in the Batmobile. Or Mary Jane can use Spider-Man’s powers because she is his wife…

Oh, wait!

Titan destroys the Elements of Harmony and the rainbow stones and he threatens to kill all the characters there. He absorbs Celestia and the Grand Ruler and the heroes attack with everything they’ve got.

They then tell Celestia and the Grand Ruler to believe in themselves and they… They merge to create a super grand ruler of celestial proportions?!

… I’m finishing this stupid thing once and for all as fast as I can. Titan and the Grand Celestial Ruler fight. Titan dies. The heroes rejoice. The Fucking END!

And now… for my judgment… I ask for silence please…

….
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…

Seriously, was there ever any doubt?

This fan fiction is awful! It is terrible! It is the worst fan fiction I have ever read! What made the author think this piece of trash was ever going to work?!

The characters are completely bland, boring, stupid and pointless! The plot is overly repetitive, predicable, and makes no sense! There is no character development in any situation! The villains are lame and incompetent! There are far too many plots holes! The dialogue and descriptions are stilted and stale!

Through 28 chapters, I enjoyed nothing! There is nothing that I enjoyed about this!

… But I’m looking at it from a brony’s perspective. Perhaps I should try to see this story from the point of view of someone who hates MLP: FIM and see it with their eyes…

…

…

…

This fan fic is still awful! This fan fic sucks in every aspect of the word! Even if you hate Friendship is Magic, this fan fic is not a replacement! This fan fic is corny, longwinded as hell, and makes no freaking sense! And keep in mind, I am not even mentioning the bad grammar and spelling, and believing me there is no shortage of that!

I wouldn’t recommend this to my 5 year old niece. It’s got nothing bad as far as violence and other things that would scare children, but it’s so bland and boring, nobody who is sane would want to read it.

This story is absolute trash and it sickens me that the author would think THIS is superior to Friendship is Magic or any kind of storytelling! I want to apologize to you guys. This review was incredibly long and it originally was much longer. I really did try to condense this, but there is just so much fail!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a book of quality storytelling to wash out this mess. Have a great day guys.

Comments

[Captain Lunar]

Wow..................................... I am seriously tempted to read this because I can barely believe such a thing continues to exist. This................ This is like "The Room" of MLP fics isn't it? Only without the unintentional hilarity

[spideremblembrony]

Yes. Yes, it is. Don't read it. Please, do yourself a favor a just go the rest of your life without seeing this crap. If you have to read it, please do yourself a favor and skip chapters 4 through 12, because all they do is waste your time. Read only chapters 1, 2, and 3 and then start again at Realization. Everything else is just a recycling the plot of the first chapter and nothing is ever developed.

Even those chapters are not good, but at least they have a plot.

[Captain Lunar]

1740973 Ah. Yeah I'm steering clear then.

Also I now consider you the Nostalgia Critic of Bronies.

On that note. I leave you this

"YOU ARE TEARING ME APART CELESTO!!!!!!!!!"

Seriously, there's hate and then there's being lazy. Could have been worse though. He could've named him Celestian

[spideremblembrony]

1741296 That's almost as bad. I hate this story with every fiber of my being. And my greatest fear is... That there is something worse on the horizon.

[spideremblembrony]

1741296 Thank you for the compliment. I hope to one day do video reviews, but that may be a while. I want to get better a reviews, styles, jokes.

[Captain Lunar]

1741315 Yeah I feel the same way about Rainbow Factory. Read it because I like horror, and while it does deliver on the horror which is the only thing I like about it, the premise is stupid since I HIGHLY doubt Celestia wouldn't inspect that place during all that time. Also? RAINBOW DASH IS TERRIBLE AT LYING!!! There is NO way she could possibly be the leader of a conspiracy like that without blowing the secret in casual conversation somehow.

The only thing she has any kind of major attention span for is flying, her friends, reading, and competitions. Anything else? If somepony asked her to clean their house she'd get bored and quit after five minutes. Just........ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Sorry. I was having flashbacks.

Wait worse? Oh sweet Luna don't tell me there's a sequel

[Crack-Fic Casey]

I read this in the Nostalgia Critics voice.
Thank You for reading this, so I don't have to.

[Crack-Fic Casey]

About adding music to fics? i agree with you, except for This. . Its the last chapter, but I honestly dont want to hear it played, because it can't compare to the way the author describes it.

[spideremblembrony]

1741477 You are most welcome. I'd do anything for you guys.

iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/231518__UNOPT__safe_pinkie-pie_animated_image-macro_gummy_tank_spoiler-s03e11_50e03067a4c72d77460006b6_yelling_op.gif.gif

[spideremblembrony]

1741342 I've heard of that one. I know that one is in my future one day.

[Captain Lunar]

1741598 Trust me, watch this version first. It'll make the pain easier to deal with.(Note if you haven't watch the Mentally Advanced MLP Abridged series some characterizations will seem off)

[spideremblembrony]

1741588 It can be done, but it has to be done right. And that person got it right.

However, in MLU, he got it wrong. All he did was take a song that was made (Like from Barney and friends and Bear in the Big Blue House), and rewrite the words to it. And sometimes he barely did that. He would sometimes copy, word-per-word, the lyrics from a song.

He even said he copied them from the freaking shows. There wasn't even an attempt to hide it from us.

[spideremblembrony]

1741609 Wow.

I can tell this story is going to hurt. Thanks for helping me with this. I'm glad you showed me this. It tells me exactly what I'm in for. I probably shouldn't be smiling about this.

[Captain Lunar]

1741722 I'd REALLY suggest looking up the Mentally Advanced series because it's really funny.................... VERY dark in most instances as it portrays Celestia as someone who gets off on torturing others needlessly(Never shown, but it's alluded to MANY times mostly through Twilight).

Twilight is an alcoholic who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone, Pinkie Pie is a Russian sociopath, Rarity is the town slut, Rainbow Dash is pretty much like she is in that video(Essentially the same as her cannon self, just a LOT dumber), Fluttershy's doormat routine is amped up to 11, and Applejack is actually the most like her cannon self. Also Spike is Scottish for some reason.

Also the reason Sweetie Belle had a demonic voice is that due to Twilight a demon named Thrakerzod escaped from another dimension and possessed Sweetie Belle.

However trust me when I say this, it is in NO way as offensive or as disturbingly creepy as Friendship is Witchcraft. And the best part? It's actually funny.There's a joke to be had, it's not just do the most disturbing thing imaginable and hope it'll get a laugh like Frienship is Witchcraft

[spideremblembrony]

1741744 I actually watched Witchcraft is Magic and I gotta say... I was not impressed. There were a couple of moments that made me laugh, but as far as a whole, I really didn't like it. It was like watching Little Kuriboh's earlier works before he got really good at the jokes. Except with a lot less humor.

And I do realize that Little Kuriboh did get his famous jokes and running gags from his earlier works, but some of the jokes fell flat to me. But don't get me wrong, he's a talented comedian and I look forward to his work.

Witchcraft is Magic's humor is just too weak for my taste. The episode with Cadence was probably the funniest in the series, but even then, I thought it was still not that funny. Shining Armor and Cadence had the best chemistry. I wanted to see more of that.

As for Celestia being a tyrant, I have to say one thing. I love Celestia as a character. I think's she great. However, I'm not one of those people who think Celestia is Jesus (I apologize if I offend). I don't think that she is some holy goddess that can't be satirized or made fun of. Especially, when it is all in good fun.

I don't mind you poking fun at Celestia. I don't mind her coming off as a tyrant. I don't mind the Trollestia, that much. As long as it is done in good spirit. And at the end of the day, she's a fictional character in a fictional show. It doesn't matter what anyone else says about her. She's completely fictional. It doesn't matter how others portray her, its not canon. Kind of like All-Star Batman and Robin by Frank Miller.

[Captain Lunar]

1741871 The incest thing killed the wedding episode for me. Adopted or not if you are RAISED as brother and sister it's still incest!!!: Granted your kids won't be mutant freaks, but it's still messed up!!

Also, I hate Witchcraft for one reason. There's NO point to it. They keep building and building all these things and they've said it will NEVER pay off. No resolution whatsoever. If you build up something you better be DAMN sure you resolve it at some point. I don't care if it's good. I don't care if it's bad. Just resolve the damn thing and move on!

Also only good thing I can say about Witchcraft is Sweetie Bot. I care more about the non-living machine than I do about any other character in that series. That says a lot doesn't it?

Also I have no problem with you insulting Celestia. I like her a lot, but she pales in comparison to Luna(I can take jokes on her too).

Also, on a totally unrelated topic, but the Doctor Who and FIM fandoms are about to be forever merged.

David Tennant, the 10th Doctor and my 6th favorite Doctor, is guest starring in MLP and he's going to be voicing......................................... DOCTOR WHOOVES!!!!

fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/232/d/f/dr__whooves___vector_graphic_by_drwhoovesde-d5btz39.png

In the episode Twilight Time!!!!!

*My reaction*

[spideremblembrony]

1741912 Really? The doctor is going to be on MLP?

i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa186/rikku18_2007/Doctor%20Who/DWAbsolutelyFantastic.gif

That will be awesome when I finally see it! Unfortunately, I haven't seen any of season 4, yet. But I will eventually see it, right now I working on Doctor Who, Teen Titans and Ultimate Spider-Man. I am only watching Ultimate Spider-Man to get ready for the upcoming Teen Titans Vs Ultimate Spider-Man comparison I am going to do.

[Captain Lunar]

1741938 So far Season 4 has been pretty good. Only episode that's been a REAL miss was Rainbow Falls, but that was kinda saved by the return of...........................

[spideremblembrony]

1741954 Looks like I've got a long list of things to view before I die. Also, question I wanted to ask... What would you think of me doing a review on the My Little Pony franchise. And I'm not just talking Friendship is Magic... I'm talking back to the days of 1984 and review the episodes, and the movies.

If someone has already done that, please let me know. I'm sure they have, but I'll probably still do it anyway. Because I'm just that way.

[Captain Lunar]

1741983 I think someone has done either one of those, but never the entirety of it before. I say go for it!!!! I wish you luck and hope your sanity holds out

[spideremblembrony]

1742039 Me too.

[iowaforever]

This might be late, but I realized something:
this isn't the Pony Room. It's Marville... Fuckin' Marville

As if I needed any more reason to hate this fic

[spideremblembrony]

1843006 I don't think anyone needs any more of a reason to hate this thing. Or anything Mykan writes for that matter.

[iowaforever]

1848247 True... but I still can't see My Little Unicorn as anything other than Marville WITH PONIES "UNICORNS"

[spideremblembrony]

1849040 Indeed. Believe me, reading this was torture. I think I had quit reading it three or four times because of how stupid it got.

[iowaforever]

1849056 I tried reading it awhile back, just to say I read it... I couldn't even get through the prologue

[spideremblembrony]

1849586 That's why I read it. You guys can get all the stupid without torturing yourselves.

[Icebeerg]

Oh, God, i'm hoping you recovered after reading this "fun"fiction? It seems titanic job to review...

[spideremblembrony]

1913492 Oh, believe me, I had to get with my friend Al Cohol a few times during the reading of this. I'm glad you enjoyed me torturing myself. Go ahead and enjoy some other reviews I've done.

[Dragonborne Fox]

1913716 This guy I talked with over Google Docs. I showed him my fanfiction Legion's Plague and then this abomination of a superiority complex (read as: MLU: MiB) and asked him which he'd rather read.

He said he'd rather read my grimdark, all-around insane story than this ungodly piece of shit. And he cannot stomach rape, gore, and other horrid shenanigans!

[spideremblembrony]

1984216 Wow. That tells you that this... thing is unreadable. Nobody in their right state of mind would green light this, or even think that it is superior in anyway to FIM.

[Dragonborne Fox]

1985133 EXACTLY!

[Sky Dance]

you my friend, are insane. Why would you subject yourself to this monstrosity!

[spideremblembrony]

1990191 Mostly because I'm an idiot who enjoys torturing himself for others benefit.

[Sky Dance]

1990286 I hope it was worth it

[spideremblembrony]

1990306 If at least one person laughed, then it was totally worth it.

[Sky Dance]

1990321 How long did it take?

[spideremblembrony]

1990355 I took me probably 2 weeks to read this. It was the longest two weeks of my life.

[Sky Dance]

1990396 I feel for ya man

[spideremblembrony]

1990407 But at least it doesn't get any worst... Does it? ... *sees Skyfleet the Movie* NOOOO!

[Waterpear]

Oh my god you actually reviewed the whole thing how are you still alive

[spideremblembrony]

1990565 My good friend, Al Cohol and lots of it. Not something I would recommend to any sane person.

[Sky Dance]

1990512 #shotsfired

[Servant Phoenix]

Oh my... this is a long review. So I decided to only check the pictures and they already made my day. (saved a few of them for later usage.)

So much Doctor Who

(funny how this blogpost has more views than most of the fictions on this site)

EDIT: now I actually started reading the blogpost. Shees, I see I really save myself a headache for not reading the story. Which story-approver approved this?

[spideremblembrony]

2107329 Imagine trying to read this from beginning to end. Let's just say by the end of this, I was an alcoholic.

[Servant Phoenix]

2107806 Oh gosh, don't kill your body for such a stupid thing. It doesn't worth it.

[spideremblembrony]

2107812 Don't worry. I'm careful with it, but you can just imagine how painful this thing was to read.

[RachWrites]

Celestio had me DYING of laughter!! and reading it in the form of The Nostalgia Critic didn't help that. ^^'

....Glad I didn't read it...

heh....Celestio....lol

[spideremblembrony]

2270467 Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the review.

[RachWrites]

2270773 You gained a follower from it! You should totally do more reviews :D I enjoy them