Jul
3rd
2014
Reviews for Authors Helping Authors · 3:54am Jul 3rd, 2014
I'm going to post reviews here for the Authors Helping Authors group. Please go and check out that group; it is a cool concept. I think it will work better for me than the Equestrian Critics Society, where I was reviewing 4 or 5 stories, some with 100k words, every month. Now I can review what I want at my own pace and feel virtuous. Virtuous enough, at any rate.
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Dinkledash · 381 views
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MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Last Petals of Our Lives
Grammar score out of 10: 10
Pros
The concept of using a funeral as the setting for a story is highly original.
For a story that has little action (by design, it's hard to have an action-packed funeral) the flow is smooth and the author does not rely overmuch on exposition, instead using internal dialog to develop an emotional connection with the reader.
Early in the story I was very concerned over who the pony in the casket was going to be; that was a good application of suspense. I think it would have been better if you hadn't dropped that hint half-way through.
Cons
I felt that Roseluck was a little too detached; she came across as callous.
There are a few places where some of the sentence structure is awkward, in particular, She trotted forward, turning to the stallion and smiled, a sort of thanks for his initiative over his partner. I know what you're saying but it strikes me as clumsy.
At the end, I know you meant her hooves, but the first time I read it I thought you meant her lips and I'm sorry but I laughed... at a funeral!
Notes Section:
It was certainly a well-written and enjoyable story. It seems to me that perhaps in a shorter story like this it is difficult to develop an emotional connection between the protagonist and the reader. In this case, Roseluck fans would already have that connection. For fans of the pony in the box, however, nothing really happens, and that was disappointing, at least to me. Because you were relying on internal dialog for conveying most of the information and Roseluck didn't know you-know-who, there was no real emotional energy built for me and I'm afraid I missed out on what many of your other readers felt.
I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Evening Skies of Nostalgia
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros
The idea of a park bench atop a cliff above a beach creates a nicely isolate atmosphere to allow for intimacy between the characters.
Good characterization of Dumbbell as a bullying jerk who isn't smart enough to even come up with good insults.
I the beginning it has an almost Waiting for Godot quality.
Cons
I think it fails to reach the reader on an emotional level. Stories about characters telling stories are challenging because you have a second layer of suspension of disbelief to penetrate.
You have a lot of bald dialog where the characters speak back and forth without being identified and without mentioning things like facial expressions and other non-verbal cues and responses. Even when nothing is happening, create action! Even at the end, "In that last story, I wrapped my wing around you." That's very important and should have been introduced through action. It would have given you a change to break up the story. Also, the italics are generally reserved for introspection or internal dialog. Here you are using them in lieu of dialog. The characters should be saying these things to one another with action interspersed, even if it is just one of them looking out at the beach while listening to the other.
The declaration of love at the end is so matter of fact and it is accepted without much emotional exercise. That's the climax of the story; something has to happen there other than "By the way, I love you too," followed by a pucker and a peck.
Soarin-Spitfire is a good potential romance, but you really need to go after the "competent , overachieving leader falls in love with breezy, overconfident subordinate." You could take a page from Top Gun on that one.
I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Odd One Out
Grammar score out of 10: 4
Pros
I really like the worldbuilding in the society of the changelings. You should go back and expand on this, perhaps introducing certain secondary characters as alphas and elders, and giving them proper roles in the story as antagonists or gatekeepers for the focus character rather than just mentioning them in dialog and having them remain nameless. Of course it could be that changelings are nameless, but it seems to me that if they're going to have personalities, you could give them some sort of name, even if it is something like Drone729 of Hive7, Elder Feareater or something like that. Also, perhaps there could be a proper caste system like termites have. Instead of becoming an alpha, you are born it it with all the arrogance that would imply. Also in that case drones could be on top, with scholars, soldiers and workers being the other three classes.
The idea of a mutant changeling has been with us since Chrysalis first graced the show with her adorable evilness, but that is because it has a lot of appeal. You have to be careful when walking around such well-trod ground in order to avoid cliches; your character has abilities that allow him to make up, in part, his deficiencies, otherwise he would not have survived. This is good; we don't want another alicorn changeling Gary Stu.
Cons
First off, don't take this the wrong way. When I first started, I thought I had written a fantastic world-changing epic, and then some well-targeted criticism crushed my eggshell ego. It needed crushing, however, for me to get out of my own way and admit to myself that my reach exceeded my grasp and start writing more effectively. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but if you have a broken bone, you need it set. So here, have a brandy. Ready?
Your grammar really needs a lot of work. You switch tenses, you switch from first to third person, you use numerals where you should be writing out numbers (that happens to every writer, I just need to point it out,) you are missing commas and you need to run it through a spellchecker. Basically, you need proofreading and editing. You can do it yourself but it means reading your story over again about four or five times. If you want, I can make a pass at it for the punctuation and spelling, but the tense errors and switching narrative style issues are fundamental and you need to make decision and stick with it. Is your story first person present? That's hard, expert level stuff and even then isn't really all that enjoyable for most readers. First person past tense is easier, but third person past tense is what about 80% of fiction is written in and there's a reason for that: it is easy and the structure allows for a combination of exposition, action, dialog and introspection through the generally accepted use of italics to indicate thought. What to write for my next point? The reviewer scratched his chin in deep thought.
While I like the scrying, I wonder how the viewpoint character learned it. This is a pivotal plot device and an important part of character development; it deserves more than a single line of explanation, You could do a whole chapter on the character learning forbidden skills by sneaking into advanced classes and blending in order to get access to an education for which the circumstances of his birth did not entitle him. Also, I always assumed that Canterlot had been infiltrated for some time, which is why Chrysalis was able to time things as well as she did. Maybe you could have some ponies imprisoned (guards?) and have the main character interact with them. Perhaps his low status relegates him to the role of assistant jailer or poop bucket cleaner or something like that.
Also, referring to the changelings as ponies seemed odd to me. I think that hatchling rather than foal, nymph rather that colt or filly, and drone (or whatever) rather than pony would allow you to better distinguish between insect changeling and mammal pony societies when you make the transition in future chapters.
Notes Section:
I hope you take this criticism in the spirit of helpfulness with which it is intended. I am certainly no professional author, so don't weigh my opinions too strongly. I do some tech writing at work but most of what I write isn't meant for human eyes... I look forward to seeing this story expanded on and completed, and as I said before if you need help proofreading, I will be happy to do what I can. As far as editing goes... well, I hope you can glean some nuggets from this review that you may be able to put to good use.
I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!