Critique's Review: Soren the Alicorn Part 1: Part 2 · 5:00pm Aug 13th, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
So what happened last week?
Soren the Alicorn appeared in Equestria and starting singing to win everypony over. He falls in love with Luna and starts making out with her. Only to cheat on her with Rainbow Dash.
He has a long list of powers that grow larger every day, because he’s the chosen one or something like that. I don’t remember I ingested too much alcohol before this. And he has just vanquished a group of bandits, who have nothing do with the major villain of the story, so they were pretty much pointless cannon fodder, to show how awesome Soren… oh, I’m sorry, Road Kill is.
So, let’s dig into Road Kill the Alicorn/Super Seiyan/Avatar/Green Lantern/Master Builder Part 1: Part 2.
We start up where we left off, after the attack on Appaloosa. Two days pass and Road Kill and the others finish the repairs of the city. Why were they worried about the attack of the evil bandit group if the repairs could be made in two days? And for that matter, why were there a group of bandits attacking Appaloosa to begin with? That’s never explored on.
They regroup on a train and head straight for Ponyville. Once there, Twilight explains that a fire elemental joined with Road Kill to increase his power and that he needs to find the other elementals as well.
Road Kill, you must travel with Skye to learn all four elements. Only then can you defeat the evil Critique from ruining all Mary-Sues.
"Our next adventure will be to waste time on this train ride," Soren said sarcastically. The mares laughed even though they all knew it was true.
No, the next adventure will be to waste time … Mostly mine.
After a couple of days, the group finally arrives back in Ponyville, where Pinkie Pie is hosting a big party for their return and victory over the bandits. Naturally, as was established in a previous chapter, they do not like Pinkie Pie’s parties and don’t want to be her friends any more. I imagine Pinkie’s face would look something like this…
What? You thought there would be a murderous Pinkie Pie face with a knife or something? Ha, ha, ha… Of course not… That comes later…
Road Kill wonders why Luna didn’t meet them at the train station and the others reply that she is waiting at town square as she listens to Vinyl and Octavia’s music. Why didn’t Luna go to the train station with everypony else?! If they are so madly in love, why doesn’t she go to him to see if he is alright?
Maybe it’s because she’s a princess and they can’t put her in harm’s way. Which doesn’t make any more sense than it did with Twilight.
Anyway, Road Kill goes to her and they embrace (Road Kill not bothering to tell her that Rainbow Dash came onto him.) and Luna asks how the battle went.
"Yeah, it was definitely a good fight,
No, it wasn’t. Shut up!
As they listen to the songs, they find out that Octavia has been playing some depressing music. Road Kill goes to her to see if he can find out what’s wrong, because Vinyl and Luna don’t seem to care that much. And even if they did, they are just lost without Road Kill. We are still accepting applications for the Anti-Soren movement. If you are interested, please sign on the dotted line.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Octavia explains that she will tell Road Kill because they are good friends. When in the flying hell did that happen?! Who the fuck am I kidding?! I’ll believe that Road Kill is actually Octavia’s long lost brother who just happens to be an alicorn if it will make this story end quicker.
So, anyway, Road Kill and Luna arrive at Octavia’s home and Octavia explains her entire backstory. We don’t even have the backstory of our main character yet! Why are we going into Octavia’s backstory?!
Wait, I take that back! Whatever Octavia’s backstory is has got to be more interesting than Road Kill’s! I want to read her story instead!
Octavia explains that she was a musician with dreams of grandeur, but never a chance to shine. While she did play at several establishments, she never received the fame she craved. She made her way to Ponyville, where she met a pony who had enjoyed her performance. Vinyl.
Before the mayor could respond, Vinyl asked me to be her roommate. When asked why, Vinyl said that we could make 'sick' music together.
… I’m sure your music would make me sick… And not in the way that you might think… Make of that what you will.
It turns out that two days ago, Octavia had received a letter from Canterlot about a musical audition they would like her to perform for. However, it would have to mean that she would have to leave her friends behind.
So, Octavia doesn’t know what to do.
Now, this is actually really damn good. Its a good set up for the character. It shows a problem that would affect her deeply. An issue as to why she feels why she can't go and something that is holding her back. This is a really good dilemma for the character. Granted, why doesn't Vinyl and Octavia talk about it without the aid of Road Kill here, but still...
Why am I not reading about Octavia’s dilemma?! Octavia’s story?! This character, who has barely been in a single chapter, has had more of an impact on me, than Road Kill being in 20! I want to hear her story, her struggles! That sounds way, WAY more interesting than this piece of shit!
But, how do we fuck up such a monumental character moment for Vinyl and Octavia’s relationship? Hm…
I’ve got it! Let’s make Soren give us the easy way out!
Road Kill, it turns out, has an invitation from Celestia to take as many ponies as he would like to Canterlot for a big musical night. And wouldn’t you know it? It’s at the exact same location as the place Octavia’s going to perform at!
Everypony give this story a round of applause for taking away such a powerful and emotional moment that could have told the depths of a relationship between two very minor characters.
So, yeah, Road Kill gets to plan a group of entertainers around the place and chooses Vinyl and Octavia to come.
"So what do we need, Soren?" Vinyl asked. "We have me, you, and Octavia. Who else should we bring?" Soren put a hoof to his chin in thought.
"I need ponies that can play certain instruments. Using magic on all of them could be too exhausting for me during a long performance.
Even though we clearly established that you were able to do this in a previous scene. Constancy? Fuck it.
So, he gets the main six to help put together musical performances. Road Kill asks Luna to sing with him, but she refuses because of some royal duty bullcrap. I don’t care, let’s just start the force romantic misunderstanding or whatever.
The next day, Celestia sends a letter to Road Kill explaining how proud she is of his willingness to help others. I help others on a daily basis and I don’t get any letters.
You insult other ponies hard work and characters. How is that helpful?
Shut up.
Oh, by the way, Celestia. Not to be rude or anything, but isn’t there a group of psychopaths, WHO TRIED TO KIDNAP YOUR SISTER AND RESURRECT NIGHTMARE MOON?! BECAUSE I THINK THAT SHOULD BE MENTIONED!
Anyway, with Celestia’s help, they are on their way to finishing up their preparations for the concert.
So, the day finally arrives for the concert. Again, we don’t see anything they do to prep for it, so I assume it all went swimming with absolutely nopony having any difficulties or anything that would make for interesting storytelling and GOD I HATE THIS STORY!
So, Octavia and Vinyl perform and, again, its just a mossy mess of musical mush.
Soren starts performing for the crowd, but then what should happen? Why not get the most cliché, dumbest contrived bunch of bullshit we can pull together?! This story is good at cliché, contrived, bullshit!
Luna appears and starts singing a duet with him, with no rehearsal and no prior knowledge that they were going to sing.
Thank you, Rainbow Dash. You have almost redeemed yourself for helping Road Kill cheat on Luna. Almost.
So, after the concert, Soren and the others host a big party, where Octavia is feeling a little blue. Well, it is a musical story, so let’s throw in some depressing blues music.
So, after the concert, Octavia gets offered to be a permanent performer of the place she was offered before. However, Octavia rejects the offer, snapping at them for daring to offer her a steady job and free food, good housing and… wait what?
So, yeah, Octavia rejects the offer that was made to her in order to achieve her dream, making this section of the story…
Celestia offers them all a ride back to Ponyville, where we see two reoccurring gags rolled into one for me.
"I'd be lying if I said I was only slightly tired," Soren yawned.
I’m only slightly tired. Not enough to fall asleep, but enough to not be 100%. Unless, we get into an emergency, then I’ll be really tired.
Are you useful for anything?!
Road Kill gets a dream about… um… I’m not really sure… One moment he is in the middle of a field of flowers, the next he is in Princess Celestia’s study, watching her… I don’t really see what the point of this is. Is this supposed to be the future? If so, that’s pretty damn vague.
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash ask him if everything is okay. Road Kill says that he is, but Rainbow Dash says…
"I don't think you'd be thrashing like that if it was 'only a dream,'" Rainbow Dash said.
Are they sleeping in the same room as him? Shouldn’t he be sleeping with Luna or something? Wait, I take that back! He shouldn’t be sleeping with anypony!
Anyway, they go downstairs were the other ponies are looking for him. Fluttershy then points out that Road Kill’s Cutie Mark has been growing grayer. Apparently, Luna has noticed, but is too much of a bitch to tell him, or let him know what is going on. No, it’s only Fluttershy after she is coerced by Luna, who brings it up!
Way to be a bitch, Luna!
Road Kill passes out and Luna leaves to consult with Celestia on the matter.
Meanwhile, Road Kill starts dreaming about the strange human like creatures from way, WAY back. If any of you actually remembered them, that is a miracle. We then hear a character’s name. Nyroc. Hmm.. interesting that Nyroc is the name of the author.
Oh, god another self-insert. Computer, I might need my shotgun for this!
Road Kill gets back and finds out that there is an evil voice in his head. And that the evil voice is trying to attack Rarity. Why does he suddenly have an evil voice inside his head when it was never in the story? Because the author doesn’t give a shit about this story!
Road Kill manages to gain control of his body and heads to the Everfree Forest to get away from everypony, so that he won’t hurt them. Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash follows him and he starts to slowly change into his evil half.
We cut to Celestia, Twilight and her friends searching the Everfree Forest for Road Kill and Rainbow Dash.
Applejack decided to speak up.
"Never a dull moment with that colt,"
Are we reading the same story? Because this story has been dull from the very beginning. I want to read about the story you are reading!
Celestia explains what is happened to Road Kill. Apparently, an evil spirit came to Celestia, threatening to kill her. However, the spirit made her a deal. If Celestia would remain silent about the attempt on her life, he would not bother her or Canterlot again.
Okay… wait… What?
"It threatened me, but it also made me a deal. The deal was that the spirit would leave me alone and not try to threaten Canterlot if I would speak of that day to no one.
That… is … absolutely stupid! I mean, that is unbelievable stupid! Unrealistically stupid! I mean, why the flying hell did the spirit just not kill the most powerful being in all of Equestria?! There is never any mention of any defense Celestia was able to conjure, there was never any method of her outwitting him and there was never anything that Celestia said to make the spirit back down.
The way the story puts it, it makes it sound as if the spirit could kill Celestia whenever he wants. And yet he chooses not to. Then why the hell did he threaten to kill her in the first place?! You might say that “He must have some plans for her”, but even the explanation of why doesn’t make any sense either, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Celestia explains that the spirit has taken over Road Kill’s body. For what purpose she won’t say. They finally find Road Kill and Rainbow Dash in the forest. However, Road Kill is still in his evil form and has hypnotized Rainbow Dash into attacking her friends.
Heh, so much for the Element of Loyalty.
I was just kidding… Why does everypony get so defensive?
Anyway, they try stopping Road Kill, but he simply manages to hypnotize everypony into attacking everypony else. Now, I have to admit. This idea is not a bad one. The idea of hypnotizing the main characters against one another is not lost on me and it could work. We know it works because of Discord’s first appearance.
However, the problem with this story is, IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE! We never saw that this was affecting anypony in any way! We never saw Road Kill use these powers, except for two times! One time Road Kill used his powers to calm the animals down and defeat the Shadow Creatures. Other than that, it has been his power of a Super Sayian.
If the story had focused more on the singing aspect of his powers, and what kind of effect they would have, rather than the “Elemental Guardian” bullshit, this story might have had a chance.
Urg… anyway, more of the friends get hypnotized leaving only Luna, Twilight and Celestia awake. Celestia comes up with a plan and asks the others not to interfere.
Twilight hesitated at first but nodded. 'What could she possibly do to not want me to interfere? Is she...is she going to hurt Soren?'
Oh, no! This single stallion who is more important to me than all of my friends and my mentor who is kind of like a mother figure to me! What if he is hurt?! Not hurt enough that he won’t recover in a day, but hurt nonetheless.
Sir, that joke is getting old.
So is this story, for that matter.
The spell Celestia casts ends up freeing Road Kill from the evil voice within him, which turns out to be Nightmare Shadow Puppet whatever. And here is why I think the plan to take over Road Kill is really, really stupid.
One, she could have killed Celestia. There is no mention of her being able to survive their encounter. Therefore, Canterlot would have been crippled. Luna would have been distraught and would make for an easier target.
Two, you would be able to get rid of one of the most powerful alicorns in all of Equestria if you did kill her. Taking away a barrier that hinders your plans.
Three, assuming that you didn’t want to kill her, why not just possess her like you did Soren?! There is no reason why the spirit couldn’t possess Celestia when she possess Soren. I would accept the fact that Celestia couldn’t be possessed because she was an alicorn, except that YOU MADE YOUR CHARACTER AN ALICORN! SO THAT EXCUSE DOESN’T WORK!
So, Road Kill manages to gain control of his body and Celestia banished the evil spirit, now called Night Wing, but seriously, I’ll forget by the next sentence, and she flies off.
So, after Road Kill recovers, Celestia decides to explain the origins of … Whatever her name was… I don’t care anymore.
It turns out that Nightmare Moon had planned for something just in case she lost against Celestia.
She had a plan, an overly complicated plan that was designed to resurrect her should she lose.
Damn, even the story admits that its plot is stupid. That’s how you know you’ve got a bad story.
So, it turns out that before her defeat, Nightmare Moon split its magic into two halves, because in bad fan fiction, magic can just do that and that was how Nightmare Wing was born, lying in dormant until Twilight and the others defeated the original Nightmare Moon.
Celestia asks Twilight and the others to defeat Nightmare something… Cat, I think.
My sister and I would stop her ourselves but we will not leave Canterlot unguarded."
Well, that’s really stupid. Why don’t you just tell them you’ll be with them in spirit while you’re at it?
Do not worry, Critique. The next time you face a Mary Sue, I will be with you.
Critique: Really? Fucking sweet! So are you going to give them the whole “send them to the moon” shit?
No, I will be with you in spirit.
Critique: … Big help, Bitch…
What was that?
Critique: Nothing…
Road Kill locks himself in his home because apparently questions are his kryptonite and he thinks that lying in bed feeling sorry for himself will help him find answers. Yeah, the more I read about this character, the more I wish he’d crawl in a hole and die.
However, Octavia and Vinyl manage to get him out of his depression by playing their music. Soren proves how much better he is than Octavia and Vinyl by playing the violin for no reason, other than to show off the size of his penis.
Octavia and Vinyl explain to Road Kill that they are such good friends with him and says that he shouldn’t be trying to solve his problems on his own. And why the hell didn’t Twilight and the others do this since they are supposed to be helping him fight the Nightmare Guardian?! Oh, who the fuck cares at this point?!
A few days later, making me wonder what the hell the point of that scene was, Twilight asks Road Kill if he’s ever wondered about his family. Twilight explains that she was eavesdropping on Octavia and Vinyl’s conversation and discovers that Road Kill is Octavia’s long lost brother!
Because… why the hell not? I mean, we’ve already got every single thing on the Mary Sue list! Unbelievably powerful that is vaguely explained, a destiny that is vaguely explained and really isn’t just like every other destiny that has ever been made, multiple significant others that want to be with him, able to make friends with the canon characters for vague reasons, is one of a kind part of this special group and he is the last one, memory loss, is strangely more important than any other character for vague reasons!
So, this is the most logical next step in the Mary Sue process. Not only making your character related to one of the show’s canon characters, but also, making him a long lost sibling! Wow, you did it story! I didn’t think it was possible, but you actually made your character less interesting than he already was!
I wish I knew how you did that! There must be some kind of magical power that you have that you are just able to conjure new ways to make your character less inventive, less original, less interesting! You must have consulted the gods of uninteresting characters and somehow they granted you this blessing of blandness to your character! I have never seen such blandness to a character before! This is it, the holy grail of blandness! There will never be another character this boring to read about! Everypony, give this pony your respect for his insipidness!
Oh, and if you thought that this character couldn’t get any more bland. Just wait until you see what he’s got into store for us.
So, Twilight and Road Kill go to meet Octavia and discuss if they are related. It turns out that Octavia lost a little brother when she was younger. And that he was only a few months younger than her… Wait what? How did Octavia’s mother accomplish that?!
Oh, it turns out that ponies that are born during an eclipse are born with special powers. And guess what? Road Kill just HAPPENED to be born during an eclipse! What are the fucking odds?! That’s like having a baby who can not only sing well, is a super sayian, plays the banjo, writes the Declaration of Independence, becomes a monk, bangs every girl he meets, is a movie star, but can also burp the ABC’s backwards in a foreign language. What are the odds?!
So, yeah, we find out that Road Kill is Octavia’s long lost brother and… they take it pretty damn well. They just act like it’s an everyday thing. This should have been an emotional moment for both of them, but hey, why would this story resemble anything with emotion?
We then get an author’s note with this lovely little number…
Okay, to the fans of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole, I want to point out that Nyroc will be the second-to-last name I will use from that series. If you don't like that, I'm sorry but I will not change anything. I just ain't that original, sadly.
Sadly, names aren’t the only thing you are not very original with.
So, Soren decides to go to Canterlot to speak to Celestia to see if he is ‘really’ Octavia’s long lost brother. Why the hell does he need to go there when we clearly established… you know what, fuck it!
He goes to Luna and asks her if she will join him on his trip to Canterlot. They start to approach the castle when they are ambushed by … flying unicorns?
All around them were pegasi flying and carrying unicorns. Soren and Luna could tell the unicorns used magic on themselves to make their bodies lighter for their teammates.
There are so many reasons why that shouldn’t work, but hey, whatever? Also, are these guys’ thieves? Bandits? Or do they work for Nightmare Worm? It doesn’t really explain.
Luna and Road Kill try to fight back, but they prove to powerful. Damn, so much for the powers of a Super Sayian! His powers are so inconsistent. One minute, he’s powerful enough to destroy an entire city by blinking, the next minute he is running away from some unicorns riding pegasi, which is still a stupid idea, but points for creativity.
Luna and Road Kill teleport away leaving the guards to fend for themselves. Wow, what a bitch. I’ll let you decide who gets that title.
They arrive at Canterlot and explain what happened during their trip to Princess Celestia.
It seemed like anywhere in Equestria was depressing due to the weather.
That line doesn’t even begin to make sense! The weather is controlled by Pegasi ponies! It’s not like nature decided this was going to happen! The pegasi ponies make it happen! Dear lord, this story is stupid!
We then get an explanation on the “Demi-alicorns” as they are called, but really, it’s just as stupid and as pointless as 90% of this story, so I’m just going to skip it.
"So why am I the Elemental Guardian? From what you're saying, it doesn't seem like the Elements, nor the girls, need any extra protection."
"And you are correct. But there's certain magic that you can learn that not even Twilight Sparkle can."
Because, why not?
So, Celestia explains that Road Kill needs to master the elements of world, including Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart… I mean, Light. Hey, as far as I’m concerned this guy is the fucking Captain Planet of MLP, overpowered, unlikable, and has no weaknesses. They should start a club together.
So, they explain that he has to master all the elements to stop the evil Critique, I mean, Nightmare Guardians. And that he needs to team up with an unlikable Avatar who sits on her ass and does absolutely nothing named Skye.
SKYE, YOU’RE THE WORST AVATAR SINCE KURUK!
I don’t remember doing that review…
That is not yours. It is another reviewer named Iowaforever. He is quite talented. I would recommend checking him out.
Hmm… Anyway, Road Kill goes to the Canterlot library to find out if he is somehow related to Princess Celestia as well. Wouldn’t surprise me?
They fail to find anything on his relationship with Celestia, however, they find that Octavia’s parents live in Canterlot. This confuses Road Kill since Octavia mentioned that her parents lived in Manehatten. Which turns out is completely pointless since it serves nothing to the story later, so why was this even brought up?
They go to investigate the house to see if there is something going on.
"Have you been feeling different recently, Soren?" she asked.
"Not really. Why?"
"It seems like a small portion of your personality changed. You're becoming a lot smarter in situations like this."
Road Kill: Oh, that’s just the author. He’s making you all stupider, so that I look smarter by comparison. That writer is a genius.
As they enter the house they are then greeted by Road Kill’s father, who is also Octavia’s father.
Three chapters left… let’s just get through this…
It turns out that Road Kill’s parents didn’t come forward earlier because they were afraid their son was still corrupted with evil because of what a group of ponies named the Shadow Ponies had done to him.. Even though, the only time he was ever evil was when Nightmare Snake possess him, but who cares at this point?
It turns out that Soren’s name is actually Nyroc. … No, I like Road Kill better. For one, it’s NOT a self-insert!
Look, I don’t care if you self-insert into a story! Really, I don’t! But when you have to kiss your own ass like this to make yourself feel better, don’t take offense when somepony doesn’t like it when you make it unrealistic!
Urgh! Anyway, his parent’s explain that he was taken by the Shadow Ponies, but was given up afterwards, because he was an alicorn and that their leader was threatened by him.
Then why did you bother kidnapping him in the first place, you idiots?! If you hadn’t, this story wouldn’t have been written… Well, just answered my own question.
Road Kill puts two and two together and… somehow reaches the conclusion that the mare that kidnapped him when he was young, was none other than Nightmare Fish.
No, I’m not doing the DUN DUN DUN video. This story doesn’t deserve it.
Also, I’ve just thought of something… The villain’s plan makes no goddamn fucking sense!
One, if you kidnapped the young alicorn, why didn’t you just possess or corrupt him when he was 5 years old?! It’s not like you don’t have the power to possess him, we see you do that when he is an adult!
Two, why don’t you just raise him as a son to further your goals?! Another alicorn on your side at such a young age can be manipulated to your own ends! And you are seriously going to throw that away?! That is wasteful!
Three, if you have really been around this long, why have you waited so damn long for this overly complicated plan to come to fruition?! Why don’t you just possess Princess Celestia and use her vast resources to trick Luna into a trap?!
Four, why the hell are your minions kidnapping alicorns in the middle of the night for no reason?! They seriously serve no purpose to your ends and certainly don’t increase your chances of freeing Nightmare Moon, since you specifically state, “WE NEED LUNA!”
God, these villains make Mykan’s Titan look competent by comparison. Jesus, I really need to stop giving that guy so much credit.
The group arrives back in Ponyville after saying farewell to his parent’s like he was just visiting them for the weekend, even though they just spent 15 years trying to find him, but the author doesn’t know anything about emotions and the ties of family so…
Yeah, moving on. They get back to Ponyville where Road Kill seems to be acting differently as a mysterious voice enters his head. And of course, in true Kalani fashion, he doesn’t tell anypony about his obviously evil voice inside his head that is telling him to do bad shit.
… That wasn’t my review either.
Please, support Iowaforever.
Why do you do advertisements for him and not me?
He is funnier than you and does not use the ‘f’ word every other sentence.
I fucking do not use the ‘f’ word every other sentence! Only every fucking sentence!
Twilight and the others figure out that something is wrong with Road Kill, no shit Sherlock, and decide to investigate it.
Twilight and the others arrive at Octavia’s house and find that Octavia and Vinyl are under some kind of sleeping spell. They manage to wake them up and Octavia explains that the last thing she remembered, was that Road Kill had whispered something to them.
Road Kill: I’ll never be Nyx. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be Nyx.
And now we get to the point that both pisses me off and kind of relieves me at the same time. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity all don’t want to be around Road Kill anymore saying that he is a danger magnet and that all he does is cause trouble
On the one hoof, I don’t want my main characters that I love spending time with this ass hole that is completely unlikable!
On the other hoof, this is really, REALLY out of character for this story! All they’ve been doing is saying how great and wonderful and awesome Road Kill is! And now, out of the fucking blue, with no build up whatsoever, they want to defriend him! Come fucking on! This isn’t dramatic! It’s lazy as shit! It’s only purpose in the story is to make the main characters look bad so you can make Soren look good! Dear lord, I hate this story!
But it’s almost over, just two chapters left.
Rainbow Dash snaps at them and goes on to tell them how great and wonderful Road Kill is. … Okay, I’ve changed my mind. I say the main characters leave him on his own. Maybe he’ll die quicker.
Rainbow Dash, Twilight and Luna head out to try and find him.
They arrive at the Castle of Two Sisters where they find Road Kill and the Nightmare Guardian. Rainbow Dash and Road Kill fight each other while Twilight and Luna… just sit and do nothing… Wow, princesses are fucking lazy…
Okay, Twilight isn’t a princess, yet. But she soon will be!
Meanwhile, Road Kill finds himself in a dark place where a mysterious stallion talks to him. Road Kill then is helped by this mysterious pony who turns out to be…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
I think that sums up my feelings about that one.
So, the Doctor helps Road Kill get back to his own world and when Road Kill arrives home, he explains that he is going to isolate himself until he becomes stronger. Maybe if you had spent your time studying magic, instead of your musical talent, you wouldn’t have this problem!
And our story ends with a Soren saying goodbye to his friends.
Hopefully, they never see him again.
This story… isn’t all that bad…
…
…
Of course it isn’t! This story is stupid!
What a fucking joke of a story! This story is a huge mess of unresolved plot points, pointless powers, uninteresting villains, an unrealistic main character, a stupid premise, an unfocused plot, terrible writing, and just an overall bore fest!
Many plot points in this story remain unresolved. The Nightmare Guardians are never resolved. And guardians suggest multiple enemies and we barely see one of these! What about the Coyote Colt character?! What was his purpose?! What was the purpose of making him Octavia’s long lost brother?! What was the point of the Doctor’s appearance?! What was the point of the love interest between him and Luna?! Why did there have to be a whole story dealing with him singing since it doesn’t further anything?! What was the point of the possession plot?!
The pointless powers are way, WAY too many! Half the Mary-Sues I’ve read about would be telling you to cool it with your powers! Most of them are forgotten about after they are introduced anyway!
The villains in this story are so generic! They could have been replaced with any other villain, and you would have barely been able to tell the difference! There is nothing memorable or interesting about the villains! And for a story that spends all its time establishing them as a threat, you don’t really know anything about them!
The main character is so uninteresting!! He can do no wrong! He is never wrong! He has a magnificent singing voice! He always knows exactly what to do, even though it makes no sense how or why he came to that conclusion! He always knows how to help others beyond even the canon characters! He has an overly complicated backstory where he is everything under the sun and he’s just so boring! There is nothing interesting about him! He’s unrealistic and that’s not relatable! That’s the author’s personal fantasy fulfillment!
The premise of an OC alicorn with memory loss is doomed from the start. Admittedly, I’m not opposed to an OC character, even an alicorn. But the memory loss thing has been done to death, especially if it is revealed that he has some great destiny bullshit!
The plot in incredibly unfocused! One minute it will focus on the Nightmare Guardians, and then they’ll never be mentioned again to focus on seven chapters of his singing! Look, subplots are all well and good, but they should serve a purpose! They should either advance the story, or develop the characters! This story does neither! The subplots are all over the place, ranging from the Coyote Colt thing to the Contest for Octavia. The only subplot that, I guess, would be considered okay, would be the finding his parents, but even then, the story finds a way to mess that up!
This story is just so boring! It takes forever to get anywhere! There characters aren’t strong enough to keep your interest to make you want to keep reading! And the twist every chapter, just make the twists boring as hell! Every chapter is a struggle to get through and it’s not made any better by an incredibly unlikable character!
The only, ONLY, interesting subplot I thought could have worked, was the loss of the cutie mark. If the story had focused on that and made it about Soren coping with his loss, it would have had a chance. But when you add in the Elemental Guardian and the Nightmare Guardians, and the orphan thing, it’s just an unfocused, uninteresting mess.
And here’s to hoping I never have to read another story about this character again. Jeez, that was a long one, but at least it’s finally…
(Previews for Soren The Alicorn Part 2: The Effects Of War):
The computer REALLY should help you out more. Also this story just sends chills up my spine with how bad it is Critique. There was something else.... oh yeah I actually think you remind me of the Nostalgia Critic which is a VERY good thing in my personal opinion.
Best. Name. Ever.
Although, something I might have missed; is this story really divided into two parts, like Mare of Steel, or did you just divide the review into two parts?
SHIT! DUMBASS IS MIGRATING!!!
...oh dear
iowaforever
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Well, to be fair we have no idea how long that last performance lasted.
Also, "consistency"
please tell me he's dying
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He and Kalani can join a club for people with evil voices in their head
Kind of like Oong not dropping the ocean on the Fire Nation fleet
But I thought he was the Avatar
You're also an idiot; never admit that you're not original. The least you could do is make some effort to pick out a cool name.
You mean Road Kill
The answer is obviously Yes
TARRA GILLESPIE IS MORE ELOQUENT!!!
Hmm, that sounds familiar...
Who's that? Sounds like a cool guy.
that's about as blatant as... Tyler being
SkyeDumbass' love interestWell, maybe not every sentence
Not many alicorns that aren't canon can
And then the Doctor shows up?! BUT I ALREADY USED THE EXTERMINATUS VIDEO
Well, that story sucked. Good thing you don't have to read it again
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Yeah, you had the right reaction
I think this clip shows what The Doctor MUST have been thinking just showing up in the story for what amounts to a deus ex machina for Soren to get back to Equestria.
Seriously that's ALL he did? COME ON THIS IS THE DOCTOR!!!! You don't have him show up to play taxi to a terrible OC!!!!
I signed on your dotted line.... in permenant marker! Thanks for nothing Critique! At least now if I lose my tablet I know I'll get it back because my name is across the screen in black PERMANANT MARKER. I blame you.
JK. Had fun as always.
2367129
You are not the first one to make that comparison
2367129 Thank you. I'm glad you are enjoying it.
2372505 Shucks. Also I forgot to share two things with you I want looked over real quick.
2367702
Another one added to the list of my mess ups. If I keep this up, I'll be able to make a top 10 list.
There are actually several good reasons why I didn't make it all one review, but I'll try to keep the list small.
1. I ran out of time. I got so wrapped up in all that I was doing, especially since we are moving my grandmother in an assisted living place, it's been a rough couple of weeks for all of us. Unfortunately, that's why I haven't been posting as many quick reviews as I'd like.
2. This story was actually really pissing me off. So, to save my sanity, I decided to split it up.
Duuuude, Iowaforever is the most awesome FIMfiction dude, evaaaaaaaar! He's wrote incredibly rad story, called Mare of Steel. And it was aweeesooooome!
2367928 Exactly! He is the doctor! He should have been the main character of the story! He wasn't even remotely important to this story! You could have cut him out of him and it wouldn't have changed a thing!
2368083
Jk, Love you, guys.
You guys are the best!
I'm glad you are enjoying it.
2369284 Hopefully, he won't be the last.
2372510 Sure, I can look them over. I've got a little time right now.
2372535 I'm not against Doctor cameos in fics, but just make it a cameo! A quick little nod or something! Don't turn him into a fucking taxi!!!!