Critique Review: Dame Vinyl · 4:31pm Sep 10th, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
And welcome back to… Sequel September…
Last week was a bit of a struggle for me, and it’s only the first week of the damn month. Going back and seeing these stories continually become worse is something that I do not enjoy.
And this week is no exception. For those of you who remember my review of One Winged Angel, good for you. For those of you who don’t, let me quickly recap.
Sephiroth, the main villain of Final Fantasy 7, appears in Equestria via dark cloud, where he befriends the main six. Sephiroth reveals his plan to destroy all of Equestria, but if he is destroyed, Equestria is destroyed with it. Yeah, it makes about as much sense as it sounds.
Celestia, which is actually revealed to be an Islamic God who created all life on Equestria,
And in the universe for that matter, who battle Sephiroth long ago, completely butchering the continuity of Final Fantasy 7 while at the same time the MLP series. And not in a very creative way.
They finally end up banishing Sephiroth to the moon, via Jewish song. Well, they call it ‘Soosi’ in the story, but we all know it’s Jewish. And everyone that isn’t Soosi is a moron, since they needlessly make rude comments like these…
"Ah thought Sooses're supposed ta be quick as whips. The othas ah understand-but Derpy...hoo-wee, ain't that somethin'!"
"Maybe the horn grew into her brain..." Rainbow mused.
Ha, ha, ha… That’s totally racist.
As you can imagine, I really didn’t like this story, so my expectations of its sequel are not very high. So, let’s dig into Dame Vinyl and see where it goes from here.
The story starts off where near the end of where the first one ended, with Vinyl being knighted for her bravery against Sephiroth, even though there are like 4 other ponies who should be knighted, but I’ll skip that rant for now.
Vinyl receives a letter from Canterlot asking her to appear for her knighting ceremony.
Octavia groaned. "Only you could manage to acquire a knighthood for creating the loudest sound in Equestria, Vinyl-"
"Dame Vinyl," Vinyl cut in, "titles are important!"
Technically, she hasn’t been knighted yet. Celestia could still change her mind… And I really hope she does.
Octavia sighed, "Alright, Dame Vinyl. You know, it interrupted my show, although to actually hear Lunarian music was transcendant-"
Yes, wasn’t that song just magnificent? Don’t you remember how much of an impact it had on?
Warning. Repetitive subject.
What? What do you mean ‘repetitive subject’?
You have repeatedly stated your opinion on music in fan fiction. I believe it is getting old. Anytime you touch on a subject that you have repeatedly touched on, I will issue a warning.
But half the things I rant about are repetitive subjects? How am I going to do a review without issuing them?
You may issue them, but in small amounts.
Ugh… This is going to make this difficult…
Anyway, Vinyl
Dame Vinyl
Whatever, and Octavia start to converse about the events of the previous story. It doesn’t really answer any questions that the previous story had at the end of it, but rather reminds me of the fight scene that wasn’t done very well.
Vinyl sighed, "I have a chill spot with a studio in Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack let me build on her property cause they have so much free space. That way, I can crank the wubs as loud as I want, and nopony can claim noise pollution."
Now we see what attracted the Vampire Fruit Bats.
And then we see another bit of racism in our little town of Ponyville.
Hey!" Vinyl shot out, "She is NOT a rube! Sure, she may be a little bit country, but that's her charm! I'm sure you'd warm up to her if you met her!"
Octavia sneered at that comment. "You know I have no desire to associate with those ruffians, Vinyl-"
Wow, not even the first chapter and already I hate this story. Expect lots of yelling in this one.
Apparently, Octavia has a reason for hating the main six, even if it is a stupid one, and says that they ruined her big night at the Grand Galloping Gala. Technically, that night was a lost cause anyway. You should hear what Celestia says about it behind everypony’s back.
So, Vinyl
Dame Vinyl
Whatever, tries to explain to Octavia that the main six aren’t bad and that she should get to know them.
Vinyl winked at Octavia, "and that's coming from a Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire, so you know it's true!"
Octavia groaned. "Blueblood is a Prince. He is also the most foppish, ill-mannered dandy that ever walked Equestria. Do you think I should listen to whatever HE says?"
Yes, because if you don’t he will heat vision your face off.
"Not the point," Octavia said pointedly, "you know I think he's an absolute sot. Even through all the disaster, I still smiled a little when the pony with the purple mane absolutely splattered him with cake," Octavia said, chuckling a little at that memory.
Blueblood/Zod: Oh, no… cake… my only weakness…
Octavia mentions how she would like to meet Rarity, funny how Rarity is the only character Octavia likes and she is a Soosi. Kind of seeing where this all comes from.
Vinyl
Dame Vinyl
STOP IT! Vinyl is milking the shit of out this! She is milking her title for everything that it is worth! Asking Octavia to refer to her as Dame, demanding that she speak in a request that boasts of her magnificence! Vinyl’s kind of a bitch!
Anyway, Octavia’s had enough of it and starts throwing pillows at her. When she runs out she… throws an entire couch at her?!
Jesus, I know Vinyl was being a bitch, but damn! Isn’t that a little extreme?! And for that matter, how was she able to lift the freaking couch and throw it at Vinyl?! Does Octavia have super strength?!
Anyway, Octavia meets Rarity at a local diner where they sit and talk. They discuss the battle with Sephiroth, which actually really doesn’t reveal anything new, other than, Princess Twilight is the exact opposite of Vinyl. Where Vinyl is milking her title for all its worth, Twilight has shown restraint and would rather be treated like she was before.
Vinyl told me that she was the conduit for that massive energy blast that sealed Sephiroth on the moon."
"Yes, and she almost gave out a few times. When the spell was complete, she passed out for three days."
Octavia shuddered at that. She was very happy being an earth pony.
I am making a T-shirt! Earth Pony and proud!
They then start gossiping about Blueblood, saying all kinds of things about him and how horrible he was to Rarity at the Gala and that Rarity finally got him back.
He is a disgusting, boorish pig of a pony, and you certainly gave him his..." Octavia started giggling uncontrollably.
"Gave him what, dear?"
Octavia's giggling turned into chortling. "His...JUST DESSERTS!"
… Okay, I’ll give this story one point… that made me laugh a bit.
"Well then, now that we've had our fun, how about we go back to my place? I have certain questions I'd like to ask you in private..." Octavia intoned.
Oh, no! It’s one of those stories!
"Well, I'd be delighted! Lead the way!" Rarity said as she chugged the rest of her macchiato. Octavia cringed as a visible tingle thrummed through Rarity's body.
Wow, it really is one of those stories!
Octavia unlocked the door to her apartment, Rarity in tow. She opened it to complete blackness.
It really, REALLY is one of those stories!
"Oh, you'll see," Vinyl said wickedly. Just then, a low thrum swept through the room, "Introducing...the Dame of Dubstep...the Knight Commander of Nightcore...DJ-Pon-3!" as the shadow of a unicorn was cast in the black and a torrential downpour of wubs descended upon the apartment, causing Rarity and Octavia to cover their ears. Vinyl then switched on the lights and turned off the dubstep. "So, what did you think of my new intro?" Vinyl asked with a grin.
Oh, good. It’s not one of those stories.
A neighbor comes to complain about the noise Vinyl
Dame Vinyl
This is going to get old… quick… is making, but after announcing that she is a knight, the neighbor walks off without saying another word. Wow, Vi-.. Dame Vinyl is a bitch. She can do whatever she wants just because she’s famous! And why should Vinyl feel so special anyway?! There were others who contributed more than she did! Why was she knighted and not them?!
And even, Rarity thinks that it is okay to abuse her power like this. Oh, good. Rarity must have had her brain sucked out of her head, because that is not how she would react. If you want proof, go watch Putting Your Hoof Down, I think that it shows an abuse of power is a bad thing!
Anyway, Octavia asks Rarity to sing her Lunarian song that she sang to defeat Sephiroth. Rarity is at first hesitant, but finally works up the courage to sing it.
They start to talk about the Pre-Equestria civilization and I’ve just notice something about this story… the pacing… We are two chapters in and I still have no idea what the point of everything that is going on is. Mind you, this story is only 6 chapters long and the chapters have, at most, 2000 words. Frankly, I’m not so much pissed off as I am bored. This story really isn’t that interesting, and the talking head syndrome found throughout is not helping.
Rarity sings another song and translates it for her. Why? I have no flipping idea. I guess it’s to show how much the author knows about Jerusalem, but what does this have to do with the story?!
Ugh… Octavia has an orgasm about ‘how wonderful their music is’ and ‘how fantastic their civilization was’ and ‘how they were treated wrongly’ … Look if you are going to show us how fantastic this civilization is… TRY ACTUALLY SHOWING US IT!
You say that they were a magnificent civilization, but I’m sorry, that doesn’t show us their struggle. That doesn’t show us what they went through. That doesn’t help us understand their reason for doing what they do. And it certainly doesn’t help when we can’t hear the music that is supposed to represent that!
Also, one thing I wanted to mention… What is the focus of this story?! Is this story about the Soosi’s history? The knight Vinyl? Octavia’s and Rarity’s relationship? Where is the focus of the story? It keeps switching back and forth to all of these things, but they don’t synchronize at all!
Anyway, Dame Vinyl is in a pub where a stallion walks up with her and asks her on a date. However, Dame Vinyl explains that she is a lesbian. The stallion explains that his friends dared him to ask her out and then Dame Vinyl starts making out with him. … Pretty freaking pointless.
Anyway, Dame Vinyl
Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander
Now, you’re just being a bitch…
Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is asked not to smoke, but after repeating her title of ‘Knight Commander’ to the bartender, he finally gives up and walks away. Remember kids, if you have an important title, exploit the shit out of it!
Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, seriously I met Mary-Sues with short titles than this, sees a … katana on the wall of the pub?
Look, I think katanas are cool and all, but … what the hell is a katana doing in a medieval like setting?! I know that Sephiroth had what looked like a katana in the game, and this may be the same world, but that was over 1000 years ago by the stories setting. And in the show’s continuity, the armor they wear is more based on a medieval style that it was a feudal Japanese style. So, why is this katana here? There is no mention of trading, or purchasing of such a weapon, it just sort of appears!
Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh on this portion. After all, Final Fantasy 7 had some katanas and technically this is the same world. Not sure how the fuck it works, but at the very least, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is going to have a cool name for her sword. So… What’s it going to be?
“NoWacking,” she mumbled.
… I’m sorry.. What?
Vinyl sighed, “I hereby christen this sword NoWacking!”
Really? … NoWacking? Not going to go for something else, like… StabbyStick? Or… MetalPokeyThingy? Or… CurvyOutOfPlaceOutOfTimePoker? … NoWacking, huh? …
I love it when the author doesn’t care, it allows me to say whatever the hell I want about the story and not feel badly about it.
Vinyl
Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander
SHUT UP!
She goes home and gets into another argument with one of the neighbors about how much noise she is making. It is utterly pointless.
Octavia, after seeing how clumsy, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander is with a sword, recommends that she take lessons on the subject.
So, Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander gets her weapon registered… it is utterly pointless.
Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander
Wielder of NoWacking
… Whatever… runs into Rarity. She explains that obtained the sword in a bar and Rarity asks where it came from. The pony with the unnecessarily long name, which I happened to make longer by typing it this way, tells Rarity that she doesn’t know, nor does she particularly care.
Rarity and … you know who… travel around the town and ask everypony if they recognize the sword. However, they come up dry. Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, wielder of NoWacking… there I said it… claims that the sword is rightfully hers.
Rarity, however, manages to convince her to see Princess Celestia about the sword and see where it comes from.
Celestia asks to borrow the sword from Vinyl and Vinyl is pretty defensive about, nearly attacking Celestia just to keep it. Celestia decides to back off, which is really stupid considering the explanation we are about to get. She convinces Vinyl to take up sword lessons with the royal guard, again showing how stupid Celestia is in this story.
Celestia then explains to Rarity where the sword actually came from. The sword’s real name is the Masamune. And it is the same blade that Sephiroth used in Final Fantasy 7.
It turns out that the blade is cursed with Sephiroth’s spirit and that it is slowly possessing Vinyl’s body. And honestly, I couldn’t tell because Vinyl was acting like a bitch before she got the sword. That’s good storytelling for you.
So, let me get this straight Celestia, instead of taking the blade from a pony, who is slowly being possessed by an evil demon who is now trapped on the moon, waiting to be free, you want to teach her how to kill ponies better? And instead of dealing with it yourself, you send Rarity, who has no combat skills (with the exception of martial arts, but I doubt it is in league with Sephiroth) to deal with it, instead of doing something sensible like, oh, I don’t know, using Discord or Twilight?!
The sheer level of stupid oozing from this story would cover Equestria four times.
Dame Vinyl, Knight Commander, Wielder of NoWacking and Rarity return to Octavia’s place, where they try to use the song that Rarity knows to rid the sword of the demon.
And it is the longest copy and paste I have ever seen in a story. I’m serious. For nearly 200 words, it’s just lyrics of the song. There is no music, no actions, no reactions of any kind. Just straight lyrics to the song.
I really hate this story.
And immediately afterwards, she sings the song again, translated…
Oh, good, because it was so good the first time!
I need some really music here, and since this is Final Fantasy 7…
However, they soon see that the song doesn’t work and that Sephiroth has taken control of Vinyl.
Sephiroth reveals his evil plan to destroy all of pony kind to gather their life energy into himself.
“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Rarity said loudly, pulling back and swatting towards Vinyl, who blocked handily, “That has to be the most ridiculous evil plot I’ve ever heard!” as the sheath was pushed away.
Have you read half of the stories I’ve read? Because that is the same evil plot from Final Fantasy 7. Nothing has changed. Seriously, it’s the exact same. And this is ridiculous? I’d love to see what you think a good evil plan is?
Anyway, after throwing an entire couch at Vinyl, which still doesn’t make any sense, but hey, points for joke callback, they finally knock her out. Rarity suggests that Octavia go take the sword from Vinyl, since Sephiroth won’t likely possess an earth pony.
… That’s stupid. If Sephiroth has a way to get back into the world, even though an earth pony, wouldn’t he take it?! He doesn’t exactly have the luxury of being picky when it comes to taking over the world in his position?!
They arrive at Canterlot where Luna performs an exorcism on the sword and on Vinyl. Okay, if someone makes a story with Luna as the Exorcist, that would be cool.
And our story ends with Octavia and Vinyl…
Dame Vin-
SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCKING HELL SHIT FUCK UP, VINYL YOU PIECE OF SHIT KNIGHT HOOD BITCH! JUST SHUT UP! OH, LOOK AT ME, I’M A GREAT KNIGHT AND I SHOULD BE WORSHIPED AND OTHER BULLSHIT BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING BITCH! FOR CHIST SAKE, TAKE YOUR NOWACKER AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS SO FAR, THAT YOU’LL HAVE TO HAVE SURGURY TO GET IT REMOVED, YOU FUCKING BITCH!
God, damnit! You see what this story turns me into?!
This story is just dumb… it isn’t as bad as its predecessor, but it’s just so fucking boring. With its uninteresting premise, terrible characters, talking head syndrome, slow as shit pacing and with no substance to what is going on until the very end makes this a difficult read.
This story would have been stronger if it was just Vinyl being a bitch about her new title. That was actually interesting. I wanted to see more of that. Those scenes were almost tolerable. I’m not even kidding. They almost made me interested in the story. But when you do more telling than showing, and focus on the Soosi mythology rather than the character, it makes it unfocused and uninteresting.
The pacing is terrible since nothing of substance comes until the very end of the story and very few things that are introduced in the story make no sense and don’t connect to what goes on in the rest of the story.
While there were jokes that did work, it still wasn’t enough to save this sinking abomination.
If you have the chance to skip it, definitely take it.
Have a good day guys. … Two down… Two to go…
SEQUEL MONTH! YAY
I remember that review... I also remember the story throwing in religious symbolism for no justifiable reason.
Just like Unicornicopia's Apartheid system.
Ooh boy, this'll be fun.
... I should totally include something like that in Mare of Steel's rewrite
OCTAVIA SMASH!
We saw that in the last story... right? Because if we didn't, this story gets further points down for EXPLAINING IT TO US INSTEAD OF SHOWING US!
Be careful. His super-hearing might pick you up talking bad about him.
she slipped Celestia a cake under the table?
... why? I mean, this is a story about Vinyl getting power and becoming a bitch, right? Why do we need a history lesson? This isn't A Brief History of Equestria, where history is the only thing. Unless it's somehow relevant to the plot, history should be sidelined in place of character interactions and other assorted goodness.
Someone else who gets it. have a cookie.
...
...
Since when does that give you the right to change the law?
Indeed. Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is probably the longest I've encountered so far.
Like you said, that's an AWFUL name for a weapon. It's like it was named by a five year old. Again, Warhammer 40k has some awesome names for weapons; Godsplitter (Gabriel Angelos' Thunder Hammer), Moonfang (Kor'sarro Khan's power sword), Talassarian Tempest Blade (Cato Sicarius' ancient power sword), among others. Granted, Vinyl's a DJ that's just been elevated to a position of power, but even then she could have thought of a better name.
"Oh yes, I'll just let this mare go off with a sword that I am obviously concerned about. Now way this will backfire"
And as you said, it does. why do people have to make Celestia stupid?
...
!
what.
the.
Really? He just reused the same plot? No, that doesn't work. When it comes to fanfiction, people don't want to read the same story; they want to see something new and exciting, especially if it involves of their favorite characters. You just rehash the same plot over and over again and it becomes staler than bread left out in the middle of the Sahara Desert. At least TRY to be a bit more original with this!
That... is surprisingly close to my meltdown in my My Little Unicorn review, accusing the Grand Ruler of Suedom (I deleted that section once I calmed down). I understand your pain.
And I look forward to those two... whatever they are.
P.S: I know you've been busy, but did you get a chance to check out my reviews for Guide Me Home and StarKit's Prophecy?
More than likely this was a nod to Vinyl's VA for many works....but I agree that NoWacking is an absolutely atrocious name for a weapon.
This is coming from a guy that named a black and silver swirled sword 'Harmony and Dissonance'
2444284 "Harmony and Dissonance"... that actually sounds pretty cool
2444535
Coming from you, that's a real compliment.
2444058 I saw the review for Starkat, but I wasn't able to comment on it, because my laptop is being weird on FIMfiction. It's good now. But I wasn't able to respond to comments for about a week. I'll try to catch up on it and give my thoughts.
2444284 It wouldn't bother me as much, but it's played as a stupid joke. One that's not very funny. If it is a reference to something, it's obvious I missed it.
2444058
OH, I love cookies!
I want in on this rewrite! ... I mean, if that's okay.
2445516
Look up 'Vinyl Scratch Tapes: Master Recordings" when you have a chance to get a bit on NoWacking
Trust me ,as easy as this is to do, the recordings are thousands of times better than this story. Laughs, feels, more laughs.
2445525 I'll have to look it up. Thank you for commenting and reading. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope to see your comments more often.
2445530
I do try.
2445520
Sure thing. Got a GoogleDocs?
2445982 I do. spiderfireemblem@gmail.com
2446184 Okay, expect to see it in your mailbox sometime soon
2446259 Will do. Thank you. I hope I can help.
2444058
Could help as well?
I know I haven't been that involved with Justice League: Equestria, but I did loved Super Mare and I have done Proofreading and editing in the past for Avenging Hobbits.
2444284
It would have been funny if it had been lamp shaded. Like:
2447318
OK. I'll admit. I laughed at that
I now hate you for reviewing this but accept you critique.
I was very new to fanfiction when I published this and I hope it shows.
Let me rephrase that: I am so mortified that you decided to review this that I didn't even read through the review because I know how bad the fic is.
2731672 I understand. I know that sometimes that its hard and sometimes I am pretty harsh when I do my reviews. I'm glad you found the reviews. I have read more recent stuff and the writing has greatly improved. I'm don't want you to think that I think you're a terrible writer. I do think your writing has gotten a lot better as time has gone on. Especially with more recent stories.
2732288 Thank you for that little confidence boost there.
I've honestly considered deleting some of my older stories but refuse to out of some misguided sense of author integrity just so that I'm not reminded of them by things like this.
Also, catching the general gist of this review kind of knocks me down a peg, which is always a good thing for an author. Puts me in my place.
2732301
You aren't the only one who has thought this. I'm was not a very good author when I started here. Still not. But I like to keep my fan fiction here. I like to keep them as a reminder of how far I've come. It helps me know that I'm at least improving. That to me is more important. I'm glad you feel the same.
My intention is never to offend anyone. I apologize if I did. My only intention is to entertain my audience while still giving my honest and fair thoughts to the author. And sometimes I do go a bit overboard and come off as a jerk. If I did offend, again, I apologize. That was never my intention.
2733404 No, it's perfectly fine. It's a good reminder that, yes, I am capable of writing bad fiction if I don't continue to apply myself. Sometimes it's good to have these reminders.
2733411 I'm glad you understand.
And I hope to see more of your work (be it good or bad) in the future. 