Critique Review: Cameron's Ponyville Misadventures 2 · 2:05pm Sep 17th, 2014
Cameron is back, but with him are his friends Austin, Dillon, Dominic, Andrew and Nick. Together, they embark on an adventure, with the Mane 6.
God, I hate Cameron… Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. Today, I look back at a Human in Equestria story. Yeah, it’s been a little while since I’ve done one of these. Fortunately, today, I’ve stocked up on plenty of alcohol and…
You are not drinking.
What?! But I have to play the Human in Equestria drinking game!
The last time you played that, you threw up all over the restroom.
If this story didn’t have so many fucking clichés in it, I wouldn’t have a problem.
You are not drinking. Besides, it is terrible for your liver.
… Bitch… Well, I may be forbidden to play it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t encourage it. Get out your shot glasses and make sure you have plenty of alcohol on standby, because we are diving, head first, into [url=ttp://www.fimfiction.net/story/159784/camerons-ponyville-misadventures-2]Cameron’s Ponyville Misadventures 2
For those of you who don’t remember this story, allow me to give you a brief summery. Cameron, who I am calling Human-guy, at least until a better name pops into my head, appears in Equestria and has sex with Fluttershy.
Nightmare Moon then appears and attacks Cameron. Celestia says that only Cameron has the power to stop her, which makes no sense because he doesn’t actually do anything against her, and it was the Elements of Harmony that actually defeated her.
Cameron is killed by Nightmare Moon, but is brought back to life by the Elements of Harmony, creating the Jesus metaphor. He then returns back to his own world and frankly, I don’t remember the last bit of it. I would say it was the alcohol, but it was more likely I just don’t care to remember it.
Our story here starts with an author’s note.
Again, I always make a short and brief Prologue. And don't criticise my work this time, okay? Just tell me what I need to fix.
Isn’t telling you what you need to fix criticism? Wow, you really need a Thesaurus, don’t you?
Our story starts proper with this…
So here I am, back again in Ponyville. Want to know how I got back here?
Do I actually have a choice?! Because I choose not to!
Okay, I'll tell you my story.
Fuck…
It started like this. One year later, I was in my house,
Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
What the hell, dude? ‘One year later’? One year later from when? One year later from you telling us this story?! Are you saying that this story is going to take us a year to get through and then you are actually going to experience what you just told us? Does Human-guy suddenly have foresight now?
I assume that you mean, ‘One year later from my first trip to Ponyville’, but then why the fuck would you not say that?! You can’t just assume the audience knows something of what you mean! Explain it better!
Or do you mean ‘One year ago’ stating that you’ve been in Ponyville for a year? One of the few ways you could have written it wrong and you manage to pull it off. That takes serious talent and not the good kind either.
So, they decide to hangout in an alleyway. Yeah, because don’t all the cool kids hangout in alleyways. My god, no wonder you got picked on in high school, most kids have houses or places to actually, you know, hang out, you all just hang out in alleyways like fucking druggies. Any second I keep expecting Druggie from The Poncho Chronicles to start selling drugs to these guys.
Okay, so we get introduced to the friends of Human-guy, but honestly, they play such a small role in this story, you’ll barely miss them if I just leave out their names. Honestly, the story doesn’t care about them. Don’t believe me, well, take a look at this piece of literature…
We decided to hang out in an alley and talk about a variety of subjects (like fanfics, art, video games, etc).
Oh, yeah, because that shows the depths of the characters we are introducing in this story. The subjects they talk about add a lot to their characters, don’t they? They like Fanfiction, art and video games! Oh, so much information just flowing through those single lines. I wonder what else we will learn about these characters? Like, they have two eyes? Or they have hands? Or maybe that they even have… and bear with me here… hair? Oh, the possibilities.
They see a portal in the alleyway that is similar to the one that transported Human-guy back home from Equestria. I have to scratch my head at how exactly would Twilight know where to place her portal to see where Human-guy was. Does she have a mirror that shows where Human-guy is?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me the biggest dumbass of all.
Skye…
No, the other dumbass…
Poncho…
Stupid mirror! The real dumbass!
Soren…
Why are there so many dumbasses?
The friends think about jumping in, because that is exactly what you should do seeing a strange portal appear out of nowhere. And after the argument of ‘Let’s go in’, they decide to jump in.
What they didn’t know was that was actually a portal to hell, where they would all be forced to read the comments on this fan fiction, without the ability to delete them!
So, they end up in Ponyville, where the beautiful setting is ‘described’ to us.
We looked around, seeing the bright colors and beautiful scenery outside of Ponyville.
Now, isn’t this what you think of when you think of describing the scenery of Ponyville? Obviously, there was a lot of time and effort put into placing every single important point into the scenery around them. Why, it’s like reading an actually painting! I actually commissioned an artist to draw a picture of what this might look like based on the description and this is what he came back to me with…
It was a good deal!
"Woah...was THIS the thing that you were talking about, Cameron?" I heard Nick ask me in amazement.
Oh, okay. I guess Human-guy just told his friends about him going to Equestria and having pony sex. And of course, big fucking shock here, the friends take it unrealistically well! God, kids are just so fucking open minded now-a-days.
Why, I’m actually a fish from the Indian Ocean and how I post my blogs and write my reviews is I consult with my uncle who is actually a kangaroo, who owns Best Buy. And now the truth is out there.
So they go to Ponyville (yet, it took more words in the review to say that than it did in the story) and they run into our main six, where Fluttershy is happy to see Human-guy again. Oh, they were in a relationship? Funny… I don’t remember that in the first story. Was it because it was so underdeveloped? Was it because they have no chemistry together? Was it because the story didn’t bother to explain it instead choosing to focus on a plot against Nightmare Moon that was both generic and stupid?
If you said yes to all three, I apologize.
So, they greet the main six (again, took longer to say that in the review than it did the story, speaking volumes about the fact that the pacing is shit) and the friends agree to stay in Ponyville in the home that Human-guy built when he was first here. Yes, he has a house. He’s moved in with Thunder-Ice and Damion.
Well, the rest of the day we spent unpacking our belongings and moving in.
What?! … What?! … What belongings?! You guys didn’t have anything when you jumped through the portal?! Are you saying that you carry all your belongings with you?! We clearly saw that Human-guy had a house to sleep in during the first story! So, what happened?! Are you and your friends just bums on the street?! Maybe I wasn’t far off with my druggie crack after all?!
Oh, good. We get our next chapter in present tense. Even though up to this point, it has been past tense. Have they been there a year? What happened within that time frame?! Have we finally caught up to the present and this is what is happening now?! Then why the hell did you even bother with the ‘One year’ thing?! Why not just have the present be them in the alleyway?!
They just chatted with my friends, asking how life on Earth was and other things.
God… could this story get any more boring?! I had a more exciting time having a staring contest with my wall! Or listen to Computer rambling for 5 hours about physics!
Ramble? Is that what it is, sir?
If you didn’t make it sound so boring!
The conversation here is non-existent! There is nothing to add to the characters. Nothing that shows how they interact with each other. Nothing that shows anything about their personalities. And it never changes. I’m serious. Outside of the characters names, we never see anything resembling a personality. You could replace them with cardboard cutouts and no one would be able to tell the difference.
No, I take that back. Even cardboard would have a more interesting personality than these characters!
Anyway, they go to visit Princess Celestia and she explains that she was the one who casted the spell that brought them here. Really? You wanted Human-guy back that bad? Was he really that fascinating?
Wait, I know why Celestia brought him back. She wanted to study him. Yep, she wanted to see how a character could be so devoid of any personality. At the very least, I’ll get to watch Celestia cut him open and find out what is inside him.
Disgusting? Yes. Better than this? Hell yes.
They then head home… what the hell was the point of Celestia even being there again?
After that waste of time, the main six give their friends the tour of Ponyville. What do they see? Where do they go? What do they do?
Well, I asked a comic book writer to explain to me what happened in this story using his words and art to construct a visual representation of what the author had in mind. And he came back to me with…
He’s a very talented comic book writer. Check him out.
But all is not well because the school has caught on fire…
It wasn’t me this time, I swear!
So, Human-guy goes into the school, because none of the main six are there to help, and the fire-department is nonexistent, and rescues the fillies trapped inside.
He wakes up in a hospital where…
"Oh Cameron!" She hugged me. "I-I thought you were about to die!"
I’m changing ‘thought’ to ‘hoped’.
So, he walks out the hospital and for some reason the doctors allow it, even though he rushed into a burning building and was unconscious, and follows Fluttershy home. Oh, I so hope we get another warning label about sexual intercourse. That was funny the first time.
Actually, right before they can bang each other, one of Luna’s night guards knocks on the door and interrupts them.
The guard just became my new favorite character!
He asks Human-guy to come with him to see Princess Luna.
When he arrives, Luna thanks Human-guy for saving the group of fillies the other day. Aw, that’s sweet. Now, let’s see how we can fuck it up.
Luna then decides to tell Human-guy her backstory. … Yeah. Just out of the blue. He didn’t ask about it. It doesn’t connect to why he is here in the first place. It has no significance on the plot and adds nothing to the overall story itself.
… I really hate this story.
He then starts to describe the events of Neil Armstrong’s journey to the moon.
"Because to them, it was a mystery of what it was like on the moon. No one has been there. But Neil Armstrong found a way."
Because the scientists, engineers and other pilots had nothing to do with it at all! Nope, it was Neil Armstrong by himself, with no help whatsoever.
Also, that bit about Neil Armstrong, yeah, that’s pointless in the overall scheme of things. It’s just to show how ‘smart’ the author is. Oh, and just to add to that, he tells us that ‘luna’ in Spanish means ‘moon’. God and I thought the Spanish in Poncho Chronicles was stupid. At least there, it sort of made sense! This comes out of fucking nowhere! Like the author wants us to be impressed with how ‘smart’ he is.
Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t I stop my reviews of the story and just shout out random knowledge that has nothing to do with what I’m doing now, in an effort to make you think I’m smart?!
That is the worst idea I have ever-
Did you know that Spider-Man’s first appearance in the comics was actually in a dying series called Amazing Fantasy?
Sir, the audience just wants to read the re-
Did you know that if a shark stops moving they can’t breathe and they die?
Sir, at what point did anypony ask to know about-
Did you know that blue and red paint mixed together create purple paint?
Oh, and then we get this load of bullshit.
She smiled at me, and hugged me. "Thanks for talking to me, Cameron."
I grinned. "No problem, Luna."
She let me go, and I walked out. I felt like I went through to her and told her that everything is gonna be okay....
BULL SHIT!
Come fucking on! You seriously expect me to believe that some random stranger can just come up to her, tell her that Luna is okay and she would be okay?! Luna, who has been tormented by the guilt of being jealous of her sister and letting her anger get the better of her to become a demon known as Nightmare Moon, who almost destroyed everything she cared about, is brought peace by this unknown stranger, when her sister Celestia, her sister’s pupil, Twilight, her niece, Cadence, couldn’t?! Hell, even her fucking nephew, Blueblood would have made more fucking sense!
No, instead we get random ass Human-guy here, a character who I don’t even bother remembering the name, who comes in and tells Luna that everything is okay and that Luna believes it!
Embrasser Mes Fesses!
Yeah, I can insert random languages too! That doesn’t mean you should!
After that chapter, the group goes to Canterlot where they find that Princess Cadence has been abducted.
She must have been. She’s not in the Crystal Empire right now.
They find out that Queen Chrysalis kidnapped her as she appears in the castle to make her threats.
Okay, why did Chrysalis appear boasting about how she kidnapped Cadence? Isn’t she a shape shifter? Last I checked she was. So, wouldn’t she take on the guise of Cadence to avoid suspicion? Yeah, it was done exactly the same way in the series, but at least it would make more sense than her saying “Yeah, I kidnapped the princess and am holding her hostage over in that castle over there. Don’t ask me why I’m telling you this! I’m just evil!”
And then we see the witty remarks of one of our heroes. Well, I say witty, but frankly it’s… No, I’m just going to let the remark speak for itself.
"That's too good for a guess!" Chrysalis laughed. She looked at Shining Armor. "I have your beloved Princess Cadence."
"Oh wow. What a surprise." Dominic said out loud, sarcastically.
… I’m going to give you a moment to let that line sink in…
"Oh wow. What a surprise." Dominic said out loud, sarcastically.
… Okay, let’s do this…
This line is probably the saddest attempt at witty one liners I have ever seen. First off, Dominic has never met Chrysalis before, so how could he know what her plans were? If this had come from Twilight or Rainbow Dash, it would have made more sense, because they actually interacted with her!
Second, this actually gets the castle guards to start laughing. Why? Where’s the humor? Is that really such a powerful line that it would cause someone to drop dead laughing? Did you really think it was funny enough for soldiers, who just learned that their princess had been kidnapped to break out in laughter?
Oh, but he’s not done yet. He has more witty lines like…
"Who does she think she is? A fly?" Some of the guards started laughing.
Oh, yeah, Spider-Man and Danny Phantom are angered with jealousy over this guy’s wit. Hell, Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud of this kid.
I recently sat down with this kid to ask him what other one liners he would use. He said…
“You have two eyes!”
“Your butt makes poop!”
“I’m holding up two fingers!”
With such witty dialogue, what does Chrysalis do?
She growled. "You have not seen the last of me!" She hissed, as she disappeared.
Yes… she disappears. The characters don’t do anything. They don’t attack her or force her to retreat. This is the line right before she runs away.
"Who does she think she is? A fly?" Some of the guards started laughing.
Was that really that insensitive? Was Chrysalis really broken up by that line?
Nopony insults my favorite animal, you meanie head. You’re a meanie, poopy head!.
Anyway, Twilight asks Human-guy and his friends to rescue Cadence, because Twilight and her friends are incapable, for whatever bullshit reason the author wants to make up, and the group of humans go to see Princess Celestia.
Celestia starts giving them weapons.
Wait, what?
"I forgot to give you something." Her horn glowed, revealing an axe, a double-sword, a bo staff, a greatsword, a katana, and a shortsword. "Take these with you. They'll aid you."
… Who does she think she is?! The elves from Lord of the Rings?! Where the hell did she keep these weapons?! Do they have stupid names for them too?! Like NoWacking?! Why doesn’t Celestia give me weapon?!
She gave you a shotgun.
Under extreme protest.
Touché.
After we were told where to go,
Oh, believe me, I can tell you where to go. They begin to walk to Queen Chrysalis’s place. Seriously, that is exactly how it is worded in the story.
we began to walk to Queen Chrysalis' place.
They come across 3 dogs, that were like humans.
We came across 3 dogs, that were like humans.
Seriously, is this a summary of the story? Wouldn’t that explain a lot?
They were arguing...kinda reminds me of the trolls from The Hobbit.
Yes, we can clearly see that out of the nothing that they are arguing about.
"I'm a human...and who...or what...are you?"
"We're the Diamond Dogs!"
"Heh. That's ironic!" I heard Austin scoff behind me.
… … … Ironic? Ironic because of what? … Ironic? … Ironic? Do you even know what Ironic means? … Ironic? How is what their names are ironic? How? Explain it to me! How?! Is it because of the Diamond Dogs in Metal Gear?! Because that’s coincidence! That’s not ironic at all!
Is it because of the song by David Bowe?! Not ironic either! Coincidence!
Or the book by Alan Watt?!
The movie, Diamond Dogs?!
The performers from Moulin Rouge?!
What the hell ironic about their names?!
Is it because they hunt diamonds?! And they’re dogs?! Where the hell is the irony in that?! Somepony explain this to me, because clearly I am far too stupid to figure it out!
After defeating the ‘ironically named’ Diamond Dogs, our group continues on their quest, but not before Human-guy starts to hit on Rarity. Frankly, this sounds like there is going to be a three-some at the end and Fluttershy and Rarity are going to be totally okay with that, regardless of how much it doesn’t make sense.
As soon as we arrived, it barely looked like a "place".
Then what the hell did it look like?!
I mean, sure, it kinda does on the outside, but once you enter Chrysalis' Castle, it looks like a hive; ponies were cocooned and sticky-like stuff were all over the place...just like spiders, and I have a very high case of arachnophobia. Trust me.
Oh, why start now? And literally, the next paragraph down…
I looked at the greatsword in my hand. "Guys..." They looked at me. "I think we need to slash all of this webbing." That's odd. Normally, I have arachnophobia. Now I feel...courageous.
Oh, good. That totally vital plot point that ultimately amounted to nothing is resolved. I was afraid I wasn’t going to sleep tonight.
Oh, and something I just noticed, yeah, there are ponies trapped in cocoons here, and yet, our heroes completely ignore them. There is no mention of rescuing any of them, they just mention them and then move on.
Geez, with heroes like these who needs villains?
So, they start exploring the castle for a half-hour, as Queen Chrysalis has set up no defenses around her castle. No guards. No traps. Not even a locked door. It’s like she want them to come straight for her after boasting how she captured Princess Cadence. It’s almost like building an exhaust port that is the only means of destroying your planet destroying death machine.
They find Cadence who has been … tied up?
… What kind of sick and twisted games have you been playing with her, Chrysalis?
… Wait, it’s not one of those stories?
Oh good. I was afraid we were going to have another WonderFall moment. Lord knows, I’ve had enough of that.
They rescue Cadence, but then Chrysalis attacks them with her henchmen.
"Great...a trap!" Dash yelled.
I would use Admiral Akbar here, but frankly the trap is pretty weak, since the Changelings are defeated pretty fucking easily. Also, I just used a Star Wars joke.
Also, I just thought of something, what the hell was the point of Chrysalis kidnapping Cadence? Why kidnap her in the first place? There was no ransom note, no demands, or any ultimatum of any kind! She just kidnapped Cadence for the sake of kidnapping her. Was Chrysalis taking lessons from the Underpants Gnomes about evil plans?
Phase 1: Kidnap Princess Cadence
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: Profit!
So, Chrysalis, after watching her soldiers get taken out, reveals her master plan for ridding herself of the humans. A plan so diabolical and grand in scale, that the heroes will have to use everything they have to defeat her! A scheme so terrible it makes great villains like Darkseid, Thanos, Dr. Doom, Darth Vader, and Dr. Evil to shame!
Her plan is…
"FINE! IF MY MINIONS CAN'T DEFEAT YOU, I WILL!" She shouted, as she disappeared.
… to run away? Interesting tactic…
They escape Chrysalis’s Castle and make their way back to Ponyville. Celestia holds a big celebration for them. Our heroes decide they want to stay in Equestria, because they made such good friends in the … what? Barely 4 lines of dialogue they each had. None of which was talking to another character outside of Human-guy. So this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
And they title themselves the Equestria Warriors…
Wait, they are the Equestria Warriors?! I’ve read about them in my history book! These humans are famous in Equestria! Children of all ages read about these warriors and their exploits! Which involves them dying in their first mission against the Flim-Flam brothers’ Super Beastly Dragon Thingy 6000, making them the worst heroes Equestria ever had.
Jeez, this story is worse than the first one!
Now, let me be clear on this. I’m not going to criticize your work. I’m just going to tell you what you need to fix.
First, the characters. These characters are never explored upon in this story. We never see who they are, what they do, what their personalities are, what their likes and dislikes are, how they interact with each other, how they interact with the main six, what their reactions are to Equestria, what their reactions are to Celestia, they are just blank slates. They are blank pieces of paper that somehow were shaped into human beings, with no personality or humanity about them. They simply exist to waste our time.
The plot makes no sense. Why the hell would Chrysalis kidnap Cadence? There was no reason to kidnap her. There was no ransom, no demands, no plan whatsoever. It makes Chrysalis look like an idiot to have her kidnap Cadence for no reason and it does not give you credit as an author for doing so.
Third, the descriptions are the worst. They never give us anything outside of who said what. A story is supposed to create a world, an environment, and a mood. This story does none of that. Even the actions scenes were boring to read. You know why? Because, there was never any action in the story. The story literally says…
We held up our weapons, shooting out powerful beams of energy at the Changelings. They all were on the ground.
That was our big climax. The climax for the story against Chrysalis’s army. Done in two sentences. This should have been a big moment where everything comes together. But no, it doesn’t do any of that.
The portrayal of the main six is awful. They never once feel like the characters from the show. All they do is stand around and witness how great Human-guy and his barely namable friends are. That is all they have a purpose to. They have no business being in this story.
My advice, start taking other ponies advice! As I look into the comment section of this story, there have been countless other before me, who are probably a lot smarter than me, that have offered you advice and help on your story. You have taken none of it. That does not make a good artist. When you mess up, let people help you. It’s how you get better. It’s how you improve.
But like so many other, smarter ponies than I, you won’t take my advice and you will continue to be bitter. You have my sympathies.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to play catch up with the rest of you. Have a good day guys.
Good news, there's a third one.
Ugh, I almost feel bad for criticizing bad stories at times. Almost. Maybe it's because I wrote an awful self insert once. Maybe it's because if I show a sensitive side Angelina will love me again.
Why do guys named Brad keep stealing my Waifus!?
2461798
Don't make me read it! I don't want to! It's too horrible!
Been there, wrote that.
Sequel month continues... I had almost forgotten this story until you reminded me
As you said, it's basically the same thing.
Just like anyone not named Jack Holmes in a shadow alchemist story.
Gah, she's still lurking around.
Although, things might be looking up; apparently Legend of Skye Dumbass is getting a full rewrite, and Skye's getting a more Asian name. Whether or not it'll solve any of the other problems is left to be seen.
So... Equestria is the dimensional equivalent of TvTropes?
God, that's just as bad as Mykan saying he can't describe flowers.
Still looking forward to Mykanuary
YAY! I'm stuck in a magical land with little in the ways of supplies (or not), no way to tell my family where I am, no local currency, and no food in case the local food turns out to be poisonous or inedible! SO MUCH FUN!
So... basically the first darkness war?
I for one welcome our new package overlords.
Amen to that.
You all saw it! That orphanage attacked me!
Ooh, I can do that too!
Captain Marvel was actually more popular than Superman during the latter part of the Golden Age of Comics.
Seagulls don't have a gag reflex, so if you feed them an Alka-Seltzer they explode.
And when it rains, people get wet.
Translation, please?
...
THAT BASTARD! HE STOLE MY IDEA FOR A SECOND GREEN LANTERN CROSSOVER!
Maybe in this continuity she's a shapshitter instead.
...
...
To quote myself when talking about similar things:
Don't you dare bring the works of Tolkien into your shitfic, jerk
Translation, I'm such a shitty writer I cannot describe fears
Please don't tell me there's more of that in the world... there is, but please let me dream for a moment
Well, that fic was painful... and Sequel month is almost over too.
Makes me wonder what will be your next review. Not Starfleet Magic, because you said that was being saved for Mykanuary... So... Soren the Alicorn Part 2?
2462200
Zing!
Brown can do a lot for us. Like make a more interesting story.
Amen to that.
Yeah, may God have mercy on me when I decide to finally review My Little Slave.
No, thanks. I’ve had enough Soren to last me the year. But I am going to review something that I consider to be the My Little Pony equivalent of My Immortal. A fic so bad that, it’s actually kind of humorous.
2462200
It's French. It translates into "Kiss my ass"
2463770
One thing i've got to say. You have a very impressive resistance to sanity breaking. If you ever cover Soren (why soren, that name's already taken. I never got that. Why use it for some bullshit Alicorn gary stu?) part 2, I pray you maintain your resolve
MLP equivalent to My Immortal? Im down for a review of that.
Oh, I'll get to the one down the road. I'm mostly scared for what comes when I review another Mykan story.
2464576
God speed good sir. Your review on that first monstrosity is still on youtube. You nearly sounded in pain.
Why can't anyone define Irony correctly? Its a simple google search away, the definition isn't even that complicated, and yet everyone and their dog seems to think it means " Some funny thing".
2464973 Believe me, I'm still suffering migraines. Yeah, it's that bad. But just wait til I get to the sequels.Those are gonna suck.
2465286 I swear, I'm not making this up when I say, I sat at my laptop for 15 minutes trying to figure out what was so 'ironic' about it. That's how stupid it was.
I tried giving the story the benefit of the doubt, but...
2466350
Giving any benefit of the doubt for stories like these are subject to brain detonations. Part of the reason why I read second hand experience on stories with such high dislike counts.
Why is using the word 'irony' so hard to work with in cases like these? Why not just say 'isn't that funny?' Granted that doesn't work as well either given the context.
2466362 Agreed. Irony isn't hard to grasp if you take the time to think about it. But alas, most people just rush out their story as quickly as possible and they wonder why it turns out the way it does.
Usually with stories I try to keep a little expectation that something can be salvaged from them. And even if I don't get that, I at least try to have fun with it by making up any joke that I can think of. It helps make the story more bearable as well as keep me sane.