The loss of Innocence · 4:58pm Sep 26th, 2014
Dear devoted readers.
Today Handyman's brain died.
You see Handyman is a dirty dirty internet criminal. For he uses adblock to block the ads.
He has done this for so long now, he has actually forgotten what it was like to have annoying flashing ads and pop ups bother him wherever he went.
And lo the Handyman was a happy.
However, Handyman was a curious author, one day he found himself staring at the top right hand of his google chrome browser, at the bright red sign with the white hand and he did thusly wonder. "Hark, it has been such a fair while, what forth is yonder icon whose function I knowst not?" for he had forgotten. He did righteously click upon it. And so he refreshed and soon he saw what he had so long ago forgotten. "Ah." sayeth he, "Tis my shield for to ward off the foul sorceries of the adverts. I shall reactivate it forthwith!"
BUT WAIT!
Spied he towards the bottom of his page, between the stats of his voluminous work of spilled ink and the furious commentary of his peers, did he see a flashing box. Upon it a enchanting hill, were appeared a stallion and a dragon, standing upright and dressed as man is known to dress. The dragon smirked thusly at the stallion who rolledth his eyes as the rectangular portal faded to black and did writing appear there; 'Bad Dragon'
"Bad Dragon, that name rings a bell." sayeth he, once author of woe, racking his mind for time spent in ages past, "From whence didst I hear it? From where dost I know?" It was there in the dark of his thoughts, on the border between memory and nought, but try as he might, he could not fight, the fog that blocked the thought. "So!" sayeth he, "I shall click on this link and to my destination I go!"
And so he did, did he, click that link and go. And greeted was he, by a warning which with glee, told him a tale dire with woe.
"I have no time for this frivolity, tis an advert on fimfic, it cannot be bad, surely" he said and through the entrance he went.
Ah but for the wisdom of dreams, is that nightmares teach men to caution,
And so it was that the Handyman did scream:
"KNIGHTY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"
-----
tl;dr Handyman deactivated his adblock and paid the price for his foolishness. Apparently I am late to this party but I need to add my voice to the chorus: What the fucking fuck are bad dragon adverts doing on fimfic? Ugh. Fucking hell guys. Really? Really?
Whatever.
In story news. Next chapter is done, will be out on Monday or sooner depending on when my other editor finishes looking it over. I already have north of 10k words of the chapter after that finished, but they're completely unedited. Meaning altogether we're nearly done with this arc, which is already longer than it should be (I find that happening more and more these days, ah well) I just hope you guys don't get sick of the deer, but its really hit and miss with most people given the way I am portraying them. I'm trying to blow through this arc as fast as possible BUT THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY WORDS CAP'N! I can guarantee you that Handy won't be stuck with the deer for anywhere near the length of time he was with the griffons both in real terms and in story terms, so that's always good. Which is about as much as I can reveal without spoilers.
Also on the agenda: Maps.
JBL is right, I kinda need to draw these things, but its harder than usual. See I am used to drawing maps. And going into excessive detail while providing neccessary keys and context to help people understand the world I am, literally building.
The problem being is that for Bad Mondays I'm doing it backwards. Let me explain. All those map examples are of worlds that I drew first, then applied the story second. In BM's case I am writing the world first and drawing a map to fit. Which is not easy for several reasons:
1) I am anal about diversity: I have evidenced this with the griffons, but I take cultural diversity, even among culturally similar peoples very seriously. It fascinates me. I am a very conservative and traditionalist person in real life, cultural values, mores, ways of life fascinate me and I approve of their nurturing, so I diversify as much as possible when portraying societies, even ones that have the same socio-moral framework as say, Gethrenia and Firthengart do. (Both Gryphonic, both have majority belief in the All Maker faith, both West Gryphon in cultural makeup meaning their cultures have alot of Equestrian influences, not least of which Equestrian being a common enough tongue that it is even used in royal courts with little thought), I didn't get to display it much as Handy's time in Firthengart was cut short before he could leave the necessary chaos of the festival to visit a town or a city, I only managed to get a tiny, seasonal snippet of their culture in with the painted leaf. How does this apply to map making?
Well, in case you haven't noticed the world in which Bad Mondays takes place is feudal as balls and there are a few tropes in both map making and world building that I utterly despise. For example, space filling empires are a pet peeve of mine. The nations in Bad Mondays are neccessarily huge, such as Equestria and the High Kingdom of Griffonia, but they do not on their own dominate an entire continent, there are numerous smaller nations all over the place that haven't even so much as gotten a breath in the story and likely won't, but they exist and I need to consider where they are. That said, even within these nations, as thoroughly demonstrated by Griffonia, there are massive holdings ruled by one or another ruler. Petty kings who are vassals to the High King, dukes who are vassals to kings, counts who are vassals to dukes etc etc. And thats the most straightforward relationships. Not counting the cases were a count has no intermediary noble between him and the King (Ivorybeak is Count Munister, another example is Handy, a baron, one of the lowest ranks of landed nobility, is a direct vassal of King Johan Blackwing), nor does it count for the free cities, or theocracies who answer only to the high king directly. Feudal politics makes a complicated world even more complicated and I revel in that.
Unfortunately it makes mapmaking a bitch because you can bet your tender arse I am not leaving the ponies alone in this affair, even if the princesses have a tighter hold over their vassals than the griffon high king has over his. Its great for stories though.
2) The second problem is related to the first, I have only the most rudimentary idea of the shape of the land. Even though I know where some things are for definite, it does leave me in a pickle regarding others (IE: how far Ponyville really is from Canterlot and yes that is quite important thank you) Because I am drawing from the story and not writing from the map, this is difficult, the map has to fit the needs of the story, which is hard to do. Its like leaving a sponge soaking in water, going to the store to find a Tupperware box to put it into only to find its grown too large for it to fit.
Yeah, that analogy works, lets go with that.
Not insurmountable problems at all, but it may mean I have to draw the map piecemeal as I go on and THEN put it together and THEN redraw it so it makes sense THEN I can give it to you guys. It'll be a while is what I'm saying.
Just don't be surprised if you see a ton of shit on the map that you have never heard of.
I faced a similar problem when drawing a map for my own story (luckily, I'm still in the beginning, so I didn't face that many problems). My best advice is to begin drawing only the areas your character has travelled by, and then make the rest of the world around that path.
Hint-ads are more specialized towards your searches.
2485668 I'd believe that if I saw more ads about the crusades, middle ages politics, world war one, steam sales, ponies, kinetic superweapons and Game of Thrones.
I mean when I open up fimfic at work where the only other tabs I have open are BBC and CNN I get the same ads, and nothing else. Something is wrong here.
2485594 I suppose that is a good start, but considering Handy has traveled mostly by train and, frankly, blatant teleportation, thats hard
2485690 he did began by foot, you could draw that first part and then use it as a unit of measurement.
2485690
Okay then. Knighty is just being inappropriate.
2485690 you can always take a look at Equestria's official map..... Over here so you can shape your map to fit around that big, black C*ck that's the home of ponies.
So yeah, once you have general idea of what is where, you can (most likely) deal with the distances and other stuff that involve other countries. Have fun
Ive seen that particular ad here and been mystified to what it may contain. But being the ever weary internet veteran survivor, I know from my large patchwork of mental scars to not click on strange links.
What praytell, is Bad Dragon? Knowing the internet, the obvious bets are on pornography. Most likely involving body cavities and/or bodily byproducts to elicit that sort of response from Handyman.
2485712 Oh I am well aware of the official map but I have discarded it entirely. The land east of Equestria for example, has already been established as mountainous and occupied by the griffons and far larger than the given space between canterlot and the eastern sea. So its already irrelevant as a guide. I mean I am following the general shape of the continent, (long, going from north to south like South America or Africa rather than stretching west-east like Eurasia does) so thats similar, but the map basically fulfils my pet peeve of Equestria being a Space Filling Empire, so yeah.
However:
That got a chuckle out of me, have an upvote.
2485711 Almost certainly.
2485696 Its worse than that, kinda screwed myself over in that department by having him travel through the Everfree in less than a day, ugh. That should not be possible, even if it were a small forest. Also I pretty much made it clear it took him weeks to travel north west and then straight east across Equestria by steam train. I don't even want to think about actual units to measurement distances this map is going to involve until its nice and laid out.
2485727 In a word: Dragon Dildos.
I didn't stay longer to find out more.
2485759 yeah, thanks for the upvote. good to know that i got you smile, while your banging your head against the computer desk, while drawing the map. Good luck with it
2485771 Thanks, I'll need it.
''I'm anal about diversity''
What.
2485917 Something I picked up from my days on Newgrounds. Basically saying you are 'anal' about something is short for being 'anal retentive' or 'too focused' on something to point of being needlessly annoying or nitpicky.
Mah nigga.
You can turn off the Bad Dragon adverts by disabling the 'show mature content' option under settings.
i.imgur.com/cZ2LGJq.png
Note the part that says 'advertisements'
2486186 ...That actually solves alot. Wow. Thanks man.
2485759
Ah good, seems my "I-will-regret-this-if-I-click-it" sense is still working.
2486214 Yeah, but then you'll miss out on all the awesome Mature stories out there!
[7/6/2014 7:18:52 PM] Handyman: ...I am going to regret this but
[7/6/2014 7:18:56 PM] Handyman: whats bad dragon?
[7/6/2014 7:20:17 PM] JBL: hehehehe
[7/6/2014 7:20:56 PM] JBL: apparently this
[7/6/2014 7:21:24 PM] Handyman: Welcome to the Bad Dragon® website and online store.
You must be at least 18 years of age to enter.
Gimme some sugar, baby
BORING LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This website contains naughty things and is intended solely for viewing by an adult audience. By continuing to view any material contained within this website, you are enthusiastically stating and acknowledging that:
You are an adult over the age of 18
You will not allow anyone under the legal age of 18 to have any access to materials contained within
You are voluntarily continuing to view this site and will be exposed to material of an adult nature
You will become at least 24% more awesome as a result of seeing such wonderful things.
If you're too young or are not comfortable with this, please run away screaming.
[7/6/2014 7:21:34 PM] Handyman: JAY BE THEODORE FUCKING EL
[7/6/2014 7:21:38 PM] Handyman: THIS IS NOT ENCOURAGING
[7/6/2014 7:21:43 PM] JBL: go on go on
[7/6/2014 7:21:47 PM] JBL: click it!
[7/6/2014 7:21:52 PM] Handyman: I DON'T WANT TO
[7/6/2014 7:21:54 PM] Handyman: WHAT IS THIS?
[7/6/2014 7:21:57 PM] Handyman: WILL IT BITE?#
[7/6/2014 7:22:08 PM] JBL: No, but it might sting! mwahahahaahah!
[7/6/2014 7:22:46 PM] Handyman: JESUS CHRIST
[7/6/2014 7:22:52 PM] Handyman: OH GOD IT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING YOU SEE
[7/6/2014 7:22:53 PM] Handyman: AUGH
[7/6/2014 7:23:15 PM] JBL: I wonder if they have a Ferix sized one for you!
[7/6/2014 7:24:05 PM] JBL: they even have jobs! You can work for them!
[7/6/2014 7:25:40 PM] JBL: I shall take your silence as you being immersed and captivated by the content
[7/6/2014 7:26:23 PM] Handyman: JBL
[7/6/2014 7:26:26 PM] Handyman: I will find you
[7/6/2014 7:26:31 PM] Handyman: and I will break your kneecaps
[7/6/2014 7:26:41 PM] JBL: Too late, they're already broken!
[7/6/2014 7:27:24 PM] JBL: Heyyyy, look on the bright side
[7/6/2014 7:28:19 PM] JBL: at least it wasn't scat
Handyman shudders
2485759 Two things. First, you may be able to get around the Everfree issue by having Handy cut across a corner of it or something. I do not remember exactly how it played out, but you can probably figure out a way to make it not totally stupid, especially if he was getting directions from Zecora (which I think was the case).
Second, I would not say that the official map makes Equestria a space filling empire in any way because it is a map of the country so the map is naturally scaled to make the country fill the displayed area. Given that there is no scale, it could be any size from a superstate like the old Soviet Union to a postage stamp island nation and the map would still be valid. That said, given the available technology, what we have seen of various locations in the show, the amount of control Celestia has, and the layout of the map, I would guess that Equestria is probably about 300 miles/500 km in each direction for a total area of about 90,000 square miles/250,000 square km which makes it about the same size as the United Kingdom or the state of Minnesota. That much land is stretching the communication and transportation network a bit, but the cities are too big to function without a lot of farmland to support them and the ponies do revere Celestia so she can hold territory more easily than normal which is why I think it is probably a bit more than the 250 miles my gut initially pointed me towards.
Moving on to how it dominates the terrain, Equestria has a large mountain range covering the entire northern border in conjunction with what looks like tundra and most of the southern border is also mountains with swamps and deserts filling in the rest. When you combine that with oceans to the east and west and relatively minor internal divisions from the Everfree and what appear to be smaller streams rather than major rivers based on what we have seen in the show, the result is essentially a natural fortress that is a perfect cradle for a single strong empire to grow. It is hard for anyone to get in at them, easy for them to move around internally, and not too big to manage from a central location, especially given how centrally located Canterlot is.
2486809 The 'bigness' of Equestria is not a problem, its mainly the 'getting through the everfree' thing that's bugging me. Equestria in BM is actually quite huge (as in much, much bigger than Britain). It has powerful nobles in alot of places, their power justified by their distance from Canterlot, but the relationship between them is not as loose as say, the griffon kingdoms and the high king. I am certainly not going to shrink it because of a logistical fuck up I made in the prologue. I'll figure something out to that effect, Zecora probably pointed him down a path that lead to a narrow section that let him out on the far side, no more than a day's travel to the coast? (or at least a coastal town in an inlet?) you see my problem.
I have it well visualized in my head its just sticking country A to country B and figure out where all the little finicky bits fit thats difficult. One thing that I have added is an impressive mountain range between Equestria and Griffonia, covering almost their entire east west border. Griffonia is also bordered on the south by more of Equestria and that land is also blocked off, mostly, by the immense greenwoods, where Handy is right now. Hence the limited, easily crossable land borders between the two and thus the difficulty for bulk trade, which was the justification for the specialized Equestrian express rail system in the first place.
Still going to be hell working out the actual miles and metres involved, but all in due time.
But that fucking everfree, ugh...
2486868 Yeah, that was kind of what I was thinking. Zecora could easily point him down a path that curves back to the edge fairly close to where he started so long as it is out of eyesight of Ponyville which is easy enough to do with a conveniently placed bend in the treeline.
2486868 Yeah, I'd imagine Equestria being the half the size of Russia (maybe more) when you compare it to their surrounding countries. Their basically the Equis (whatever the fuck you want to call it, the world, I don't really know what it's referred to in this story) version of the United States of a 'Murica. At least from what I can muster up from the old rusty engine in my head, they are more of an isolationist country, much to the US's international policy before the attack of pearl harbor.
In other words, Equestria and the princesses aren't interested in whats going on outside their country - maybe their borders, but Handy seems very very far away from Equestria.
But hey, the fuck do I know? I'm only fourteen, I don't know a god damn thing about maps. Well, never really paid attention anyway...
2485934 Oh, I thought by you meant to type ''I'm all for diversity''.
Still disturbing tho
2486002 Truth.
2486892 It'll be a pain, but if worst comes to absolute worst, I can always say 'everfree magic' and say fuck it to justify it. But for now, Zecora pointing him down a shortcut she likely uses herself is much more likely.
Btw, since I didn't want to keep spamming the BM comment section with my questions, when exactly did Handy get into Equestria and for how long was he there?
2493375 Early Summer Equestria time, he's been here several months at the least and it is now mid-autumn.
It should be noted Equestrian seasons last longer than earth seasons however. But I have no exact dates worked out.
2493441 And, can you maybe think of a date when Handy left? Say, was it at the start of the civil war in Ukraine?
2493443 He disappeared from earth in February, technically on the trailing edges of a particularly long running Winter here in Ireland in 2013-14. So he would have disappeared with knowledge of protests and unrest in Ukraine but got whisked away before the sniper scandals and the putsch that ousted Yanukovich and long before the declaration of the People's Republic of Donetsk.
2493533 Oh, I see. Thanks
... You deactivated your add blocker?
And clicked on Bad Dragon?
And actually went through there?
...
I pity you/feel horrified for you.
While I get this sorted out, how would you like to look at this here poster?
sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-order-exterminatus-2.png
I don't use Ad block and I have yet to see a Bad Dragon ad (but I know it is...)
Curiosity killed the cat, or in this case, the Chakat's faith in logic... I MEAN SERIOUSLY!!! I CAN UNDERSTAND IF AN ADVERTISMENT LIKE THAT WAS ALLOWED IF THE VIEWER HAD THAT MATURE BOX CLICKED BUT IF THEY DIDN'T?!?!
Dude... calm down... at least it apparently is a semi-rare ad...
*Deep breaths*
2494321
FAITH IN THE EMPEROR IS MY SHIELD
2494709 I am still leery of this site being associated with any online sex store, even with the mature tag ticked. Bad dragon just happens to be infamous.
2495281
And there's nothing like expressing your faith through horribly gratuitous firearms! And more Dakka.
Always more Dakka.