Critique Review: Nightmare Month: Dashies Revenge · 3:55pm Oct 1st, 2014
Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique. And this is my fake Transylvanian accent, which none of you can hear from a computer screen with just text on it…
Regardless, I welcome you all to Nightmare Month!
Yes, Nightmare Month. The month where we celebrate our esteemed Princess of the Night. A time of year where fear is the norm, pranks come in all shapes and sizes, the night reigns supreme for an entire month.
And what better way to celebrate this horrifying time of the year than with the most horrifying fan fictions I could find. In more ways than one I would imagine.
I celebrate the darkest and most macabre of fan fictions as they attempt to be edgy and new, when really it’s the same thing we’ve seen over and over without any real effort put into it.
So, as you could imagine, it becomes quite unbearable to sit through what are the worst ‘horror’ stories in the world. With that said, let’s just jump into our story. Today I will be looking at Dashie’s Revenge by Mr Gusta
Before we begin our story, the description must be addressed.
As dash was getting ready for a daily nap she was interrupted, some pony wanted to race her.
Should she have let her reputation down for once and napped? If she had known the outcome, she would have happily slept instead of raced of only she could see the future.
Normally, I don’t address these, but I felt that I should for this particular story. This story had the potential for a great set up for introducing readers to an intriguing idea.
Of course, it’s brought to a halt when you look at the poor grammar for this. It’s not even part of the story and already I have to force myself to read it. That’s not a good start for your story.
We begin are story proper with this...
It started off as a normal day for Rainbow Dash,
And now I’m done reading.
That is what your audience just said. That opening line was horrible! While it is spelled correctly and it does practice basic grammar, it does not make me want to read the story! I don’t want to read about Rainbow Dash’s normal day or how it started! I want to read about why Rainbow Dash would want revenge or why I should be reading this story instead of another.
The first line in a story is probably the most important part of it. It gets the reader invested in what you are selling. It makes them want to read more and makes them continue reading. This story has the same boring opening that most bad stories have and it makes it a drag to read through!
Now a good opening, like Brandon Sanderson’s Rithmatist (good book by the way) starts off strong. The first sentence in the book immediately draws you in with some action and suspense. You don’t know the details of what is going on right away, but it attracts your interests and makes you want to read more.
Okay, back to this story, Rainbow Dash decides to take a nap on a nearby cloud when suddenly a Pegasus appears before her.
“Hey Rainbow Dash, remember me?” the Pegasus asked.
Sure do! You owe me money, damn you!
Actually, Rainbow Dash doesn’t remember her, but tries to hide that fact.
“Uh, sure I do, you where a good flyer” Dash tried to avoid answering because she doesn’t remember the Pegasus in front of her.
I don’t seem to remember where you flew, but I’m sure it wasn’t where you were supposed to.
Or we could go the other way the word is pronounced and it would look something like this…
What kind of monster would wear Derpy’s skin for a coat?!
What? It’s Nightmare Month; I can use all the creepy imagery I want.
“I remember back in Clouds Dale, we had to race each other, you won by allot”
Wow, no wonder this Pegasus is pissed off at Rainbow Dash, she’d been assigned to win, rather than win through skill.
“Oh yeh, I remember you” Dash said this is the most convincing tone she could.
It’s really sad when the author has to tell you what the character is feeling, rather than having the characters themselves show us how they are feeling.
Translation: SHOW, DON’T TELL!
So, the Pegasus asks Rainbow Dash for a rematch and Rainbow Dash agrees.
“You think you can win a race against Ponyvile’s fastest and best pony? Not counting you lost to me all the time” Rainbow Dash exclaimed these points with pride. She forgot she had no idea who this blue coloured Pegasus with a green mane was.
How could she remembered her beating her all the time, when she has no idea who the hell she is? Even the story admits that she couldn’t remember and yet she claims she does remember?! Does she just have selective memoires?!
So, the race is established and the Pegasus burst off, leaving Rainbow Dash for a moment, giving her an unfair head start.
However, Rainbow Dash quickly catches up with the Pegasus, making me wonder what in the world would make this Pegasus think she could out fly Rainbow Dash.
The blue pony was so upset, and left to think to think of how else he could win, he didn’t notice one key factor. As Dash was turning the corner she caught a glimpse of a blue and green blur, heading towards her.
Wait, what?
By the time the blue pony realised he was heading off course, it was too late. With a loud thud, the blue Pegasus hovered in one spot, trying to think what happened.
What?!
He started to fly down, watching Rainbow Dash’s unconscious body falling, trying to catch up to her and save her.
What the hell is going on?! I have no sense of what is going on and way of telling! Are they in the middle of the race?! The most that I can gather is Rainbow Dash runs into something! What does she almost run into?! How does it knock her unconscious?! What hit her?! I’m guessing it’s another Pegasus, but you’ve established a blue Pegasus! Are you saying that the Pegasus from the race ran into her?! How does that make sense?! He was way behind Rainbow Dash! Did Rainbow Dash just stop at a fly thru restaurant or something?!
Rainbow Dash wakes up and discovers her friends crying over her. She asks what the heck is going on, but it turns out that her physical body is lying on the ground and that her spirit is out of her body. She tries to speak to the others, but they can’t hear her.
Oh, great, it’s Pinkie Pie’s suicide all over again. As if I don’t get enough of these stories.
Rainbow Dash’s friends attend Rainbow’s funeral and Rainbow Dash has just suddenly come to terms with the face that she is a ghost.
… Yeah, I bet you were expecting something to do with her journey into accepting her death. For her to suffer through the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. … No, they just go from Denial to Acceptance without any kind of journey through the other stages.
That would be like my grandfather dying and just accepting it as soon as it happens.
Critique’s Father: Grandfather died.
Critique: That’s not possible.
Critique’s Father: Nope, he’s gone.
Critique: Okay. That’s fine. I accept it.
USE YOUR BRAIN! THAT’S WHY IT’S THERE!
At the funeral, Rainbow Dash’s friends say a few words that cause Rainbow Dash to cry. What are those words that were spoken in Rainbow Dash’s honor? Well, allow me to share these heartfelt moments with you. Warning this part of the review contains highly emotional material. Prepare your feels.
That asshole thought she was better than me and stole cider behind my back! I’m glad she’s gone!
She lied to me about Angel committing suicide! I will never forgive her! May she rot in hell!
Life’s a party! Rainbow Dash’s party has just been... canceled!
Sniff… beautiful words… Beautiful…
So after the funeral, Rainbow Dash decides to try and talk to Fluttershy, even though she can’t be heard or seen.
However, it turns out that Rainbow Dash can interact with objects… Okay, are you just making up rules now? This is worse than Ghost Dad.
She tries to get Fluttershy’s attention, but nothing comes of it.
A few weeks pass and you’d think Rainbow Dash would be able to go to pony heaven or something like that, but no, she just wandering around as a ghost. I’m surprised she hasn’t gone crazy yet.
Rainbow Dash goes back to her gravestone and sees the words…
“long live the Sonic Rain boom”.
Rainbow Dash is pissed off that the Sonic Rainboom is all she will be remembered for.
Uh, Rainbow Dash, most ponies won’t be remembered past their family that actually knew them. Granted, you are the element of Loyalty and probably should be remembered for your heroics in Ponyville, but I’m just saying that being remembered because of the one thing that you were able to do, that nopony else could, might not be such a bad way to go.
Or is this just your arrogance, you prick?!
Rainbow Dash decides that if she can’t be happy with her life than she will torture the pony who she blames for killing her.
Okay, I was wrong. Rainbow Dash is clearly crazy. And what happened to the acceptance part of your death?! I thought you had accepted death! Now, we are in the anger stages of death?!
Elisabeth Kubler Ross doesn’t know shit!
Also, this chapter is pretty much a lie. It says it’s about coming to terms with her death, but then it does a complete 180 and she is pissed off about her being dead! That’s a good way to lie to your audience!
Look, there is misdirection and then there is downright lying!
So, Rainbow Dash decides to find the pony responsible and flies off. Rainbow Dash flies off to a prison, but has little success finding him. However, she does decide that she needs some practice before killing her real target.
She manages to steal a knife and starts cutting open one of the inmates. So, did Rainbow Dash just become Rorschach from Watchmen? Because that would be freaking awesome!
The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'SAVE US!'...and I'll whisper 'Buck you.”
Anyway, after killing the guy, Rainbow Dash heads out and decides that she needs more practices if she is to properly kill the pony who killed her.
So, Rainbow Dash finds a random pony on the street and decides to murder him. … No seriously. That’s how she decides to pick her next target.
“This pony will regret walking around” she said happily.
Okay, this makes it sound like Rainbow Dash is vengeful against this random pony wandering the street! There is no reason for it! There is no logical explanation to why she is attacking random citizens! At least in a prison, I could sort of understand, she wants to get rid of bad ponies since she’s a good guy! It’s still out of character, but it’s nowhere near as out of character as this! This makes no sense since we don’t have a logical explanation to why Rainbow Dash would act like this!
The stallion makes his way to Rainbow Dash’s grave and says that nopony will be able to experience the weather with Rainbow Dash’s death.
Because Rainbow Dash is the only pony in all of Equestria who knew how the weather worked…
Actually, that is her reaction to this whole story.
So, Rainbow Dash attacks him and finds out that…
“I’m inside him” Dash hesitated in disbelief to say these words as she slowly came to realisation, she was now in the Pegasus body.
Oh, god! It’s Prince Martin all over again! I can’t go back to that so soon!
Actually, Rainbow Dash discovers that she has the power to possess others and possess the stallion. Again, making up rules as we go.
So, Rainbow Dash decides to ruin this pony’s life by…
Dash thought as she reared up to Twilights door. Hind legs folding up, ready for the loudest and biggest kick she had ever done. With no second thoughts, Dash released her enormous kick, after the initial bang, Dash could hear Twilight scream as Dash happily skipped away.
“I Will Find You And Make You Pay For This” Twilight yelled as Dash was leaving, without a care in the world.
Doing the equivalent of ringing some pony’s door bell and running away!
After that, we get Rainbow Dash who appears in the home of her target. As she gets out of the body she is in, she attacks the stallion.
She stabs him in the back and then starts to violently tear his wings off. She then throws him out of the sky and he plummets to his death.
Maybe Rainbow Dash was trying to get payback for Cupcakes.
And then we get this bit of insanity…
Until everything went white, than a new world appeared, a world where she belonged.
That’s right, if you commit murder after somepony unintentionally wrongs you, it’s okay. God is on your side. You are doing the right thing! It is totally justifiable!
And so is this story!
It’s lazily thrown together. It’s boring as hell. It makes no sense and it tries to capture the ‘Cupcake Formula’ and doesn’t do it very well at all.
I think you are supposed to feel sorry for Rainbow Dash in the end, but what the hell logical conclusion does the story give us that makes us feel that way?! Rainbow Dash has no reason for revenge because nothing was done to wrong her!
And even if you go the route of ‘she’s crazy’, you are justifying her being crazy! Like what she is doing is completely okay! When it isn’t! If you are going to make us relate to a psychopath, actually make us relate to her!
The choices in this story are so bad that its almost kind of fascinating!
Bottom line, a terrible story with nothing shocking, scary or new that we haven’t seen a thousand times before and frankly it wasn’t even great to begin with! It’s just a mess! A clunky, boring mess!
And I’m glad to be done with it. But stay right where you are, because Nightmare Month has only just begun!
YAY NIGHTMARE MONTH!
Now, to the review!
Implies she regrets her decision; as we shall see, she does not.
OUR story
Yes, Opening lines are very important... and now I'm beginning to wonder if some of my opening lines need working on...
On a different note, this "Rithmatist" sounds intriguing, and I would like to learn more.
... Necron Flayers?
Still, ew
Isn't it a guy? and... well, if you look at it this way... yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
And another thing; we are only now getting a physical description of the guy. Wouldn't it be easier if you'd told us what he looked like when he was, you know, introduced
Another "Told, not shown" moment, I'm guessing?
If I ever do Death of Supermare, I will try not to make any mistakes like this...
Yup, Dashie's nuts, since this was clearly set up as an accident earlier... and shouldn't she be regretting that she decided to be an egotistical bitch?
Ignoring that most murderers and serial killers in real life have a pattern to their murders (like Jack the Ripper always killing prostitutes)
I wouldn't be surprised if that was true.
...
ew
...
...
...
...
...
Quick, someone get her a poodle to poke!
Huh... apparently Leviticus lied to me
well, that story was bad, but is it as bad as a Goth Sue X Jason Vorhees shipfic?
Wow this story is terrible! Well now signals MY time to cause TERROR!!!!
Wait till you see what I'm coming out with
2498777 fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/177/3/a/like_a_boss_pony_by_brotherabe-d54zrvl.jpg
2499113 Of course, I'm looking forward to it.
where the hell do you find these stories? do you just search "Bad pony fanfics" in Google?
Curse my haste to finish this review and rage blinding me of my grammar mistakes!
The Rithmatist is about a group of people who can basically create magical attacks by drawing it with chalk. From dragons to barriers, to knight to entire armies. Basically, its a world where if you can't draw well, you are an easy target.
There's all this math and skill that goes into being one of these 'Rithmatist' as they are called in the book. It's basically like wizard duels in Harry Potter. If this sounds interesting to you, I'd check it out if you like adventure, fantasy, with a slight touch of sci-fi. It's a good read and Mr. Sanderson is a fantastic writer.
I doubt you could screw it up if you tried, my friend.
Very.
... Tell me that is not true... And if it is true, tell me you're not going to subject yourself to it?!
2500631 A couple groups called Rage Reviews and Plan 9 from Equestria
Those are the places where I find most of the bad stories I review. Rage Reviews basically does what I do, but with rules.
And Plan 9 is more of a guilty pleasure group, dedicated to find bad fics for those who enjoy it.
I also do a search through the list of stories by rating and just go to the very back.
2500649
Thank you for the vote of confidence
It is true, and I am (wanted to start October with something related to the horror genre, and it was a toss up between that and a few Nightmare Before Christmas fics)
2500617 Here's a little hint to what it is
"Sometimes at night, Bon Bon and I would lay awake while the most awful noises filled the house, afraid to even move. Pictures would fly off the walls, doors would slam, and at one point it felt like something was around my neck. I don't know what it was, but... I got the feeling it wanted to hurt me."
Lyra Heartstrings, the victim of a violent haunting
2500666
I say go for it. I'll be doing horror stories for the entire month of October before I go back to just whatever I want for November.
2500667
2500677 Well, 90% of the stories you review are horror stories... just of a different type
2500680 Touche.
2500678 Real good suspense horror. No blood or guts, really chilling stuff.
2500702 Nice. Can't wait to see it.
2500664 Wow man... That doesn't sound healthy. I sure hope you take the time to read some good stories once in awhile.
btw... gonna PM you here in a moment.
2500760 Oh, I find time to read something that doesn't melt my brain out of my skull.
2500758 And it'll be a one-shot so feel free to review it when I post it, which should be sometime this weekend if all goes well
2500763 I will give you props though. I can't even stomach one chapter of a really bad story. You read them on purpose to rage about them.
2500769 I'll definitely take a look at it and let you know what I think.
2500772 It's not for everyone. I can understand why you don't. It can leave you scratching your head. The thing that keeps me sane is my family, my friends, and just laughing at how something can be so bad.
2500786 Yeah, I don't have the stomach for it. I read a RWBY fic once and at one part the main character is talking and her sister interrupts at one part. The author put the sister's dialogue in parenthises in the middle of the main characters dialogue. I flipped shit at that.
2500783 Thanks
2500883 Yeah. I can understand that. Most of what I read is boring, poorly written or just plain bizarre.
2501419 You're a true hero.
I'd like to point out we never find out who the stallion is.
And come to think of it, how did Dash find him?
2502433Hero? Hardly. I'm just a guy who reviews bad stories.
2502526 ... That... is an excellent question...
2502834 That's a superpower if I ever saw one. And you use it for the good of all. Whether it's warning readers away from a bad story or helping the author improve, you're helping someone. Sounds like a Hero to me.
2502971 Well, thank you. I appreciate your support.
2503463 No problem, Now if you'll excuse me I have a bullet with Micheal Bay's name on it.