Critique Review: The Lost Prince · 5:25pm Nov 5th, 2014
The door burst open with a violent shove. Five fucking months for nothing! He threw the heavy book in his hooves across the room. Like a pebble on a gentle stream, it skipped across the floor landing in front of a large monitor with computerized eyes, hanging from what looked like a large robotic arm.
“You seemed troubled, sir?” Computer asked.
He gave an annoyed smiled. “Oh, really? You think, Computer?” His grinning face vanished, leaving only his usual scowling frown. “Five months I’ve been working on that story and what do the publishers do?! They fucking reject it! Again!”
Computer picked up the book from the ground with one of her robotic arms from the wall. “Did they at least give a reason?”
He walked inside, slamming the door on his way in. “’It’s not what we are looking for in a story’,” he said in a mocking high pitch tone. “I give them something they can put in a story.”
“I am sorry to hear that, sir. But you should be proud of yourself. I know how hard you worked on this.”
He shook his head, placing his hoof on above his brow. “Whatever. I don’t care. Burn it.”
Computer looked up to him as she flipped through the pages of his book. “Sir, you cannot be serious.”
He made his way to his spot on the ground and looked up to her. “It’s my book I can do whatever the hell I want with it! Burn it!”
Computer’s eyes created a scowl like image. “No, sir. That is something I will not do. I will not have you throw away five months of your life.”
A disappointment. That’s what that story was. Nothing, but a disappointment. And yet, she would rather keep it? Maybe as an insult to him. He shook his head and scoffed. “Fine, do what you want with it. But don’t ever show it to me again.”
Computer took the book into one of the walls, where the pocket dimension, as he called, stored such things that Computer did not want him to have access to. Such as his shotgun. What he wouldn’t give to go out and shoot something with it. But according to Computer and Celestia, that would be irresponsible.
He slammed his head against the ground, secretly hoping his head would burst open and his brain would spill out to the floor. However, his skull remained intact. He thought about doing it again, but as the searing pain stretched across his forehead, he decided against it.
“Okay, what’s on the agenda for today?”
“The Lost Prince by Pinkman24”
With those words, he thought that hitting his face against the ground would be a more pleasant way to spend his afternoon.
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Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Prince.
Sorry, let me try that again. A prince. Something that’s not often seen in My Little Pony fan fiction. And by not very often, I mean all the time.
And today our story is no different. That’s right. Our main character for this story is a prince. While I’m not entirely opposed to it, it has to be done well and with care if it is to succeed. Just like most OC royalties that we see. And it isn’t made better when it turns out they are the lost brother/son/cousin twice removed of the normal Princesses, without a really good reason of why they wouldn’t explain why they don’t mention him.
And fortunately for you guys, this story does just that. It’s a festering pile of shit that I get to read for you. I hope you guys appreciate the sacrifices I make for you.
Sorry, I’m not in a particularly good mood today and this story is not going to help me any. So, let’s get this over with…
Before we get into the story, let’s take a moment to look at the description. This is how to turn off readers, if any of you are interested in making sure your view and likes count stay low.
The Young prince Roy ( Not lieutenant colonel Roy get your head out of the anime) Sets off on a Journey away from Canterlot. Roy will be facing many torturous challenges along the way to find out what he is and why he is alive. While Roy is a 7 year old colt he can handle himself well, but not as well as other colt's though, because he has been pampered all his life without any proper training. Roy does have an unnatural ability that many ponies don't call normal, so most ponies consider Roy a changeling. ( This story is taken from Roy's POV )
How Roy looks, and what he knows: silvery blue mane, darkened blue skin, Silvery blue tail, stainless steel horseshoes, No cutie mark on flank, Was trained to use simple magic,
Ooooooooh…. Where to even begin?
First off, it’s written poorly. Many caps and grammar errors are thrown throughout this thing. It’s clear he quickly wrote it in five minutes, but didn’t bother to look at it twice.
Second, Roy is 7 years old, but can take care of himself? Bullshit! Unless he was raised his whole life by apes, I’m not going to buy it!
Third, unnatural abilities? Heh, I wonder how long it will take to use those abilities to make up whatever rules he likes as well as not use them in situations where he clearly should have.
Fourth, why are telling us what point of view this takes place from? As soon as a reader opens the story, it should be obvious where the point of view is coming from. Why did you feel you had to explain that in the description and not in the actual story.
Fifth, why are you describing to us what your character looks like in a description?! This should be in the story! Everything about the characters, plot, and settings should all be in the story! Not in the description! The description is what draws readers in, it shouldn’t be the only fountain of information about certain elements!
Sixth, what anime are you referring to? If someone hasn’t seen the anime, how would you get the reference?! It forces someone to look on Wikipedia to know what your joke is about. Someone like me, who probably doesn’t watch it, misses the joke. By the way, the Roy I think of that is a prince is this one…
Unless you are doing a Fire Emblem/MLP crossover, I’m not particularly interested in your story!
We start our story proper with the main character doing what all main characters do in these types of stories; drowning in angst.
Here I am laying in my bed. Not knowing what I am going to make of myself tomorrow. Am i going to go out into town, or I don't know study up on my duty's as an alicorn. All this seems so complicated to me.
Wait, so you don’t know study? I assume you mean, you are asking yourself if you should study on what to do as an alicorn, but that is not easily made clear. All this seems so complicated to me.
Someones opening the door I had better be quite.
Quite? Quite what? Annoying? Yes, you are quite annoying and so is the writing.
"Roy are you still awake?" Celestia says as she pokes her head through the door.
"Yes." I reply trying to sound tired.
Why are you trying to sound tired? Is it so you can make Celestia feel bad about waking you up, or you just want to be left alone? At what point did you establish that?!
Anyway, Celestia explains that after their parent’s died (yes, Roy is related to Celestia and Luna. Called it) that Celestia was given charge of the sun and Luna was given charge of the moon. However, Roy didn’t get something for himself, his parents saying that he has to find that out on his own. Because his parents hated him as much as I do right now.
Roy takes this pretty well.
"get out." I reply to her in a soft voice
"Why Roy?" Celestia asks wondering what has gotten into me
”Get Out!” I roar at her from under my blankets
Using a bigger size font makes me seem more intense! That is why I use it all the time through this story.
Oh and I’m not even kidding, rather than letting the words, speech, tone and descriptions speak for themselves, he uses the font size for every single character that yells out something.
"HELLO ROY!" Luna says in her regular booming voice.
”MY EARS! I scream trying to sound just as loud.
"LUNA COME RAISE THE MOON!"
BUT NOW I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING. I scream out in frustration.
There is no purpose for it! It’s trying to be fancy, but it comes off as annoying.
Then and there celestia left me laying there with tears in my eyes. I didn't want her to see me cry, but why were my own parents unable to tell this to my face were they really that heartbroken they were unable to tell me so they sent celestia.
Um… probably because they were dead? Wow, for a pony who can supposedly take care of himself, you seem to be pretty bad at catching details. Unless, somepony is in denial and keeps his parent’s corpses around, and we all know how that turns out.
I don’t care if Nightmare Month is over. This is still a good scene from a good movie and it would make this story a lot more interesting.
I woke up the next morning changed. I went grabbed my breakfast, and went back to my room locked the door with my wings and ate in silence while thinking to myself.
What exactly is he thinking to himself?
…
…
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
"Roy you sent for me, and can you open up." I look up with interest as the head of the guards finally knocks on the door.
"Sure" I reply trying to hint nothing to the plan I had just hatched.
What plan?! You haven’t hinted at anything! There has been no thought process, no scheming, nothing! You’re trying to do a mystery, but you forgot to give us clues to the mystery! Have you never watch Scooby Doo?! A mystery needs clues!
"Why was the door locked? were you doing something?" The head of the guard tries to say this with a small grin popping onto his face.
Roy: I wasn’t writing fan fiction about me and Twilight banging each other! Where did you get that crazy idea?!
Roy asks the guard if he would be willing to teach him how to fly. The guard is hesitant, even though he is an alicorn and he should know how, but Roy convinces him otherwise. I’m not sure why he doesn’t go to his older sister, Celestia, but hey, the story hasn’t made sense yet.
The guard takes Roy outside and explains that Roy has never used his wings. He forces him to do some exercises to get his wings going. Roy performs as followed and in 10 seconds, he is able to hover off the ground.
You know, because that’s how muscles work! I could do 10 push-ups right now and then go out and lift a truck over my head! That’s how muscles work!
It takes time! Muscles are something that need to be built over time! You can’t just do one pull up or run one mile and be able to perform ten. It takes time to do that, and this insults any hard working athlete by saying if you can’t do it on your first try, you’re an idiot! Screw you, story!
So, after all that by the end of the day, as if the author couldn’t piss me off any more, Roy is able to fly, not very fast I will grant you, but still fly. One day! One fucking day! Flying is difficult, my ass! One fucking day and he’s flying!
Bull fucking shit! Especially since you made this whole speech about “flying is hard”!
As the night falls, Roy takes his new flying talent and goes out to find out what his purpose in life is. Because, you know, a seven year old thinks about these kinds of things? What, didn’t you when you were seven?
Credits go to: FreeKissForAll on deviantart for base.
Pony-Bases-For-All on Deviantart for mane and tail.
Young Critique: I’m gonna be superhero when I grow up! Just like Spider-Man!
Oh, I am adorable…
So, the prince flies off and avoids some of the guards, because a pony who just learned to fly today, can avoid pegasi who have been flying for years now. I really hate this story.
The prince manages to find a forest that he can hide in and the guards don’t chase him because they are too scared to go in. Equestria’s finest. They can’t fight Changelings, and spooky forests are too much for them. When you start to think about it, Equestria’s military kind of sucks.
"THERE'S THE PRINCE AFTER EM!" Says one of the guards in the patrol.
Prince After Em, for your crimes against Equestria, we sentence you to Mary Sue prison, where you will be executed via chainsaw by the Critique.
As he makes his way through the Everfree forest, Roy spots a Changeling … Taking a dump?
Eww…
The Queen of the Changelings spots him and orders her troops to catch him and kill him. However, before they can make this story infinitely shorter, Roy is able to cast a spell that turns him from an alicorn to a pegasi. Yeah. Yeah, that’s never explained. No really reason why he would do that. No way that he would know that they wouldn’t kill him if he did that. No reason why he would even know what a Changeling was. Pretty knowledgeable pony for somepony who has never been out of the palace and is only seven years old. I wonder what other things a seven year old would know.
And you can find out by checking out my “Ask Young Critique” Blog.
My younger self will answer questions like, “Are we alone in the universe?”
Young Critique: No, we live with the Gorns and the Daleks.
“How do you know when you’ve had too much chocolate?”
Young Critique: When you barf it all up…
“What are my chances of getting with Twilight Sparkle?”
Eww… cooties!
Go ahead and check it out. In the meantime, I will continue suffering.
Anyway, like I said, the Changelings decide not to kill him, because they believe that he is one of them. Why they don’t just tell him to give up his disguise and look like a normal Changeling is anyone’s guess at this point.
And then the Changelings just leave. … Well, that was pointless. Don’t worry though, there is more pointless Changeling action to come!
Roy continues to wander the woods wondering how he will get his horn back. Frankly, I’m still wondering how he lost it in the first place!
Roy then runs into a group of Diamond Dogs, the ‘ironically’ named kind, and the dogs bully him for drinking their water. However, the seven year old seems to take it pretty well considering they are probably four times his size, but hey, why would this story know how to write realistic characters?
Speaking of unrealistic, the seven year old takes out and kills a fully grown Diamond Dog… Without any kind of magic, whatsoever. Say it with me kids…
Anyway, after committing murder, the seven year old gets attacked by a horde of Changelings, even though we already established that they have no interest in him. Consistency?! What’s that?!
But he manages to outfly them, even though he is only seven years old and only learned to fly a night ago.
He manages to escape the flying horde and comes across a hut to rest. We then get an author’s note, explaining the whole story.
Author's Note:
There is the 2nd part a very beautiful well made chapter in my eyes that is amazing and i can't describe it through words, but it put that feeling you get from a good reading.
This is either a troll fic or it was written by the same author who wrote “Harry Potter turns to the Lord”. The way he praises his story like this, I wouldn’t be all that surprised.
If you haven’t guessed by now, the seven year old has found Zecora’s hut and here’s where we butcher rhyming and all its glory.
"Who is this pony that has popped in through my roof for a visit?" She said in a curious tone. "You seem to have been going through the forest alone at such a young age my little pony."
"Do my eyes fail me or is this the little alicorn who ran off from the castle the other day?" She said staring from my horn to my wings.
"No need for any hasty movements your already in bad enough shape." She replied helping me onto a bed.
I sort of feel bad about insulting Zecora’s dialogue in Flutterhulk now.
Yeah, the author doesn’t even attempt to rhyme any of the lines Zecora has. It’s like he couldn’t think of rhymes, so he didn’t bother. There are websites that can help you rhyme you know! It’s not like they’re the plague! Also, isn’t it kind of pointless to put Zecora in your story, but not do the one thing that makes her unique as a character?
Another thing I want to mention before I get too far is the formatting of the story. See if you can spot it from this paragraph.
"So your name is Zecora, and your a zebra in Equestria. I thought zebras lived else where, and not in Equestria." I tell her while the feeling starts to come back from my numb wings. "Yes, and do you mind telling me your name little alicorn, and why you ran away from the castle?" Zecora asked mixing a few herbs in a mixing bowl. "Me, Celestia, and Luna's parents died, and the night after Celestia came to where i was suppose to be sleeping on that horrid night. She told me that my parents were unable to figure out what I was supposed to with my life before they died. What really got me angry was they didn't tell it to my face. My own parents were unable to, so there's your reason."
There should be a new paragraph every time a new character speaks! This one makes it confusing as hell to tell who is talking! At first, I thought the whole thing was the seven year old, but no, Zecora cuts in halfway and then it goes back to him.
It makes it confusing for the reader when there isn’t a new paragraph with each character speaking! And the weird part is this hasn’t been a problem until this chapter! Did you just give up, story? … I mean, not that you tried hard to begin with!
Anyway, as the paragraph stated, the seven year old explains that he ran away because his parents didn’t tell them what his purpose in life was before they died. And here’s why this doesn’t really hold any water for me.
We aren’t told how the parents died! Were they sick?! Was it an accident?! What happened?! We don’t sympathize with this because we don’t know why the parents didn’t tell him! Was it because their death was sudden?! Or were they on their deathbeds?!
I assume the latter, but again, it should be in the story! I shouldn’t have to assume why I should be sympathetic to the main character!
Urgh… Zecora invites him to stay with her until he gets his strength back, when suddenly the main six burst in because they’ve gone through the Poison Joke again. Must be a slow week for them.
Pinkie Pie then accuses the seven year old of being a Changeling.
"Zecora! You have a changeling in your bed!
Zecora explains that he isn’t a Changeling, I’m not really sure how she would know that since it is never brought up in their conversation, and the seven year old is kind of a dick in this scene. Applejack overreacts to hearing a Changeling and the seven year old says this.
"Would you please stop calling me a changeling I have had a rough time these past few days, and I don't need anymore struggles for my life."
Hold on… Just give me a second…
Keep telling your sob story, I’m listening…
Anyway, Derpy makes her cameo by bringing mail to Zecora’s hut. I had no idea Ponyville mail delivered to the Everfree Forest, where there are dangerous creatures. Maybe Derpy gets hazard pay because of it.
Skimming through the mail, they find out that Celestia had put out a “Missing Pony” for the seven year old. Yes, I know his name, but frankly, I don’t care at this point. The seven year old tries to get away, but Rainbow Dash catches him easily. They explain why they need to take him back to Canterlot, but the seven year old isn’t having any of it.
And since all the main characters went through the Poison Joke, I assume that their brains have been sucked out of their skulls, because all of a sudden, they decide they are too busy to deal with this problem and leave to sort it out tomorrow. Yeah, I’m sure Princess Celestia would be okay with you not telling her the location of her missing younger brother!
Oh, and if you thought this story was bad before, get a load of this author’s note.
I have to say I did a nice job on this chapter and hopefully I do an even better job on the next with maybe a bit more violence, and bit more how should I put it 'blood'
Oh, god. He can’t even do serious scenes right. Violent scenes are going to be a nightmare. And put it blood? Does that mean you are going to condemn your story?! Because I’d be okay with that!
So, the seven year old decides to stay the night at Zecora’s, risking the main six taking him back to Celestia the next day.
Although Twilight probably should have written a letter to Celestia and told her about where he was, and Celestia would be on her way right then and there, but let’s face it, the author doesn’t care about his story, why the hell should I?
And apparently, he got his horn back. Yeah, never really explained, just sort of happens. Wonderful.
Zecora, actually this isn’t Zecora, so I’m going to call her Dipshit, Dipshit explains that the main six won’t take him back to Canterlot, even though that is the first thing they should do, but again, doesn’t care.
Dipshit asks the seven year old to go out in the forest, alone with no defense of any kind or any support, and find her a leaf. See why she is called Dipshit? Because that was the move of a dipshit!
The seven year old goes out and runs into trouble. Maybe Dipshit hoped that the seven year old would die in the middle of the forest. What? It’s something I would do too.
Suddenly, A wild Changeling appears…
Credits for: Applejack Sprite Vaniljamelodia
Changeling Sprite DMN666
Yeah, I wish.
So, the changeling is easily murdered by the seven year old. And we wonder why he is unrealistic and unlikable?
The main six appear and apparently were watching the entire fight, letting the seven year old fight the adult Changeling on his own. Dicks.
Or maybe they were like Dipshit and just really wanted to see him die?
They don’t even reacting to the fact that the seven year old murdered the changeling in front of them, probably should question that more since the kid is probably a psychopath.
Actually, it turns out that the changeling was a clone that Twilight made with her magic. Though that doesn’t really explain the blood in this scene or make any sense whatsoever!
I mean, come fucking on! Why would they do this?! They say it’s to see if he is a Changeling or not, and I call bullshit! There was no reason that Twilight tried to kill him! There was no reason to go and make a clone of a Changeling for him to fight! There are a hundred different ways they could have resolved this! Use a spell to see if he reacts and changes to a Changeling, just like in the Canterlot Wedding episode. Send a letter to Princess Celestia seeing if he has this mysterious power!
Why did they have to resort to a Changeling clone trying to kill him?! It makes the main six look like absolutely assholes, making them completely out of character and allows the seven year old to experience murder! Of course, any sensible story would have the main six concerned about how much joy the seven year old gets out of murdering somepony, but no, the story isn’t that clever!
So, the main six finally introduce themselves.
"I'm pinkie pie the best party pony you will ever meet!" Said pinkie in a tone telling me she wants party.
Cheese Sandwich…
Awwww, do I have to get my violin out?
"I'm twilight sparkle Celestia's most faithful student" Said Twilight in a tone that explains nothing about her usual self.
I could have explained who the characters are, but… Nah.
"And i'm applejack of sweet apple acres." Says Applejack licking her lips probably thinking about apples.
…
I’ve really got to stop using those clips.
Anyway, the group arrive back at Dipshit’s hut and explain that since he outwitted (not sure where any intelligence came from) the Changeling, that the seven year old would have no trouble outwitting the main six.
I think I just lost half my brain in one sentence.
That morning I was woken up by PinkiePie of all ponies it was PinkiePie.
This sentence makes no sense, seven year old. You are an idiot!
Pinkie Pie invites the seven year old to Sugar Cube Corner, and it’s here that I have to point out the dialogue for the seven year old.
"Sure Pinkie I have always wanted to see a place other than this accursed place I happened to run in on my second day away from the castle."
Let me ask you this, how many seven year olds do you know talk like this? None! Seven year olds do not talk like this! When writing children characters, you have to make them talk like children! They have to act like children! They need to feel like children! This seven year old doesn’t feel like he’s seven, he feels like he’s a smartass 13 year old!
The seven year old points out the flaw in Pinkie’s Plan, but Pinkie has the solution. Throw a cloak over him.
Ah, the dark cloak in a brightly colored town disguise. I’m sure you won’t stick out in anyway.
They make their way to Ponyville, where the seven year old states how good it feels not to be the center of attention. At what point in the story does it state that he was upset about it?! WE DON’T EVEN… You know what, I don’t care.
When they arrive Mrs. Cake says that she has to travel to Fillydelphia to gather some supplies.
Are you seriously saying that Mrs. Cake is going to walk all the way to Fillydelphia?! I suppose she could take a train, but how would she carry her supplies?! Don’t they have shipping companies that deliver most of the stuff for her?! Why does she have to travel to fucking Fillydelpha?! Unless she is just looking for some exercise, lord knows she could use it.
Okay, okay, I admit that was low. That was really low.
And you wonder why ponies do not like you very much.
Pinkie invites the seven year old how to make cupcakes and takes her into the basement.
Yep, it’s reenacting the ‘Cupcakes’ scene. Okay, this is the one exception I will let slide, if Pinkie Pie (despite it being so out of character that it defies logic) kills the seven year old with the Cupcake formula, I’d be okay with that.
Pinkie Pie starts to try and cut off the seven year old's horn, but he manages to use his magic to break free of his restraints and gets out alive.
Damn it, the one time! ONE FUCKING TIME AND YOU BLEW IT!
He manages to make it to his bed without telling Twilight, Dipshit, or his sister about what just happened. Why doesn’t he tell them what happened?! THERE IS A PSYCOTIC MURDERER AFTER YOU! GO TELL SOMEPONY! DO IT BEFORE SHE CAN THREATEN YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE!
And he is threatened by Pinkie Pie in the middle of the night not to tell anyone. See? Told you.
Author's Note:
I have always been a fan of the dark stuff in the mlp world, and I just wanted to do a bit of that to see how good I would do with the help of a well known psychopath that loves cupcakes pinkamena!
The original interpretation sucks and your version is worse.
So, naturally after nearly being killed by Changelings, assaulted by Diamond Dogs, tied to a basement and threatened to be cut open, as well as murdering a Changeling Clone and a Diamond Dog, the seven years old's psyche is actually holding up pretty well. He’s seems to have taken the constant threat on his life thing in stride.
What was that?
You’re complaining that it’s unrealistic and therefore doesn’t make for an interesting story? … You think that he should have some mental and psychological scaring? Pfft, where’d you get that stupid idea?!
While exploring the Everfree Forest, a few days after his incident with Pinkie Pie, because why should we have to worry about psychological scarring in this story, he gets attacked by the Diamond Dogs and locked in a cell.
The Diamond Dogs recognize him as the one who killed their brother, and quick question, was it really wise to attack the seven year old who killed a full adult Diamond Dog?
Anyway, the Diamond Dogs decide they are going to gut him, but the seven year old manages to use his magic to defeat them, because the god’s demanded it.
What? It’s a better explanation than what we are getting!
He then manages his way to where the Diamond Dogs gathered and decides to take them out.
He returns to Dipshit’s hut where she doesn’t really seem all that bothered that he just murdered an entire legion of Diamond Dogs.
He goes back to Pinkie Pie, which of course doesn’t make any sense since the last time he was there Pinkie Pie almost ate him, but whatever. He pretty much doesn’t have a reason to be there either. He just explains that he’s not like Pinkie Pie and is not insane and doesn’t have a lust for blood.
Tell that to the hundreds of Diamond Dogs that lay dead because of your ‘innocence’.
I wanted to give the diamond dogs a bit of thanks for helping me on the second chapter, because I have never really liked them, and for all you people that think a pony's buck wouldn't be able to kill try getting bucked by one it hurts, and I know first hand, because I have been bucked by one before.
Wait… are you convinced that the Diamond Dogs are real? You do realize that those characters in the show… aren’t real? Because they aren’t.
Also, I’m sure you’ve been bucked by a horse before. Primarily in the head. It would certainly explain a lot.
He flies back to Dipshit’s place where Dipshit is nowhere to be found. As he stays in the hut waiting for Dipshit, he overhears two stallions talking about the so called Rainbow Factory they want to take the seven year old to.
Yes, in case you are wondering, he’s ripping off Rainbow Factory too. Looks like ripping off Cupcakes wasn’t enough. He had to rip off two terrible stories.
The two ponies spot him and despite his best efforts to escape them, they manage to catch him and put him in a sack. So the prince is able to take out an army of Diamond Dogs, but he can’t handle two stallions?
Whatever, the story is almost over.
The two ponies bring the seven year old to the Rainbow Factory and Rainbow Dash explains that he is going to be grounded up into a rainbow.
Wait, I didn’t say that! It’s just a pizza party! There’s punch and cookies by the door!
However, the seven year old explains that because he defeated Pinkie Pie and her attempt on his life that Rainbow Dash will fail. And she agrees. … Yeah, even though Rainbow Dash clearly says that the seven year old would make multiple rainbows because he is an alicorn, she decides to let him go. So, much for that promotion, eh, Rainbow?
Good lord, this story just keeps going! There is no end in sight!
So, Lyra arrives at Dipshit’s hut explaining she is in search of humans and then leaves… Don’t know why that was essential to the story.
Anyway, the seven year old wanders off and is attacked by a group of Changelings! God, what is it with the Changelings in this story?! Did they kill your parents or something?!
Anyway, after killing them, the seven year old goes off to find Twilight. Which ultimately comes to nothing! God, it’s like the author is just continuing to write to piss me off!
So, it seems that… TEN YEARS HAVE PASSED?!
What… I… Just… What… Huh?
AT WHAT POINT DID WE INDICATE ANY TIME HAS PASSED?! Yeah, it says that a few days have passed, but are you saying that 10 years have passed and Celestia hasn’t figured out where her little brother is?! Maybe she’s hoping that he has died on his own! It certainly would explain why she doesn’t talk about him to the main six!
He kills another Changeling like they are the fucking devil, goes to Ponyville and buys himself a home.
However, the house is all run down. But of course, that’s okay, because the seven year old (I don’t care if he is seventeen by this point) has been taking carpenter lessons from Thunder Ice, repairing it out of rocks.
He manages to turn the place into a forge and our story ends with him finally earning his cutie mark. AT WHAT POINT DID WE EVER INDICATE THAT HE WAS EVER INTERESTING IN FORGING ARMOR AND WEAPONS?!
JESUS FUCK!
And then to top it all off, we get one more author’s note…
Author's Note:
I would have finished this sooner if I had not been an idiot, and stayed up all night, and slept all god damn day. at the least i got it finished so I can work on the second story of Roy's life.
I would have preferred you not been an idiot and never had written this story in the first place…
This story sucks!
Forget the fact that it’s poorly written. What the hell was even the point of this?! I guess it’s about finding his special talent, but there wasn’t really a focus on that! There wasn’t him trying different things to find out what his lot in life is! There wasn’t even a point where he studied forging. He didn’t forge any weapons, he didn’t forge any armor, there was never any practice into it, there wasn’t even any mention of any forging until the final fucking chapter when he says he became a forger, because the god’s demanded it!
And even if there had been, it would have all played backseat to all the pointless fight scenes! Seriously, I don’t think the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy has as many fights scenes! None of them are good! None of them are entertaining! None of them add anything as far as the character except that maybe he enjoys murder! It’s just filler! Stupid filler!
If you are going to have a fight scene, have a point to it! Like Mare of Steel and Equestrylvania! Those stories had great fight scenes and didn’t make any of it pointless!
You know what else they did?! They spaced the fights out! Every time there was a fight scene, there was usually a break in-between them adding to the plot and characters! This story doesn’t do that! It’s just go from one fight scene to the next! And it makes this story, ironically, really fucking boring!
The character of Roy is one of the blandest characters I’ve ever read. He’s not interesting for all that he does. He’s unrealistic. He’s barely interacts with other characters, with the exception of Changelings who he murders with extreme prejudice!
Involving Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory was just stupid! They served nothing to the overall plot of the story and they are just pointless references to what are already bad stories! But as bad as those are, they are not as stupid as this piece of shit!
A terrible story and a stupid character who at the end of the story has no point of existing!
***
He was dangerous. That why he had to be locked away. Locked away deep in the dungeons of Unicornicopia. His strength, rage and aggression made him impossible to predict… and to control. But control is what the Grand Ruler needed. If nothing else, to at least , aim his rage.
Deep under the castle of Unicornicopia, he descended down the long spiral staircase, his wings making his trip infinitely easier. At the ground floor, two unicorns stood upright, giving an honoring salute to their Grand Ruler.
He nodded, his three horns glowing. The door creaked open. The Grand Ruler stepped through the doorway to a short hallway. A pillar of light shined through the doorway revealing a large metallic door. A large lock hanging pompously off the door, like a lock to a vault. However, instead of housing riches, it housed one of the most dangerous humans to ever see Equestria and Unicornicopia.
With a twitch of his eyes, his horn illuminated the dark. Metallic clicks filled the air around him as the vault lock turned slowly. Inch by inch the lock turned, until finally it gave off a loud clicks followed by a screeched that sounded like metal being rubbed against metal.
As the door squealed open like they were in agony due to their large weight, a small room appeared with a small cage inside. The cage was made entirely of wood. From the bars to the floor. Everything.
Inside this cage, sat a human. Male. At least, that is what the Grand Ruler assumed. He had no interest in human anatomy. Nor would he ever be. But some of them had their uses.
The Grand Ruler approached the cage, looking down at the man, sitting in is corner.
The human looked up from his aimless spot, staring the Grand Ruler in the eye. “Well, the jailer finally comes to visit. Am I supposed to be honored?”
The Grand Ruler shook his head. “Most would be locked away forever for the damage you have caused. Destroying a large section of my perfect cities.”
The human narrowed his brow. “And here I thought I was being restricted,” he replied with an impertinent tone. “Good to know I’m special.”
The Grand Ruler gave a smile. “You are special. More special than you realize.” He made his way to a corner of the cage, keeping his gaze on the human. He was a muscular man, but that was nothing to the power that laid within him. He was far stronger than any stallion or pony could ever be. Whatever made him strong was not anything from Unicornicopia. But that did not mean it couldn’t be utilized. “And I realize you are looking for something.”
The man shifted his weight a bit. Obviously, he was disturbed by what the Grand Ruler said. “Or should I say… somepony.”
The man shoot to his feet, hunched over to not hit his head against the roof. “How do you know I’m looking for a pony?!”
“I know a great many things,’ the Grand Ruler replied. “The love of your life. Romantic Lily.”
The man rushed to the side of the cage. Despite his speed, the Grand Ruler’s wings were faster, taking him above the cage, keeping him out of reach of the man’s enormous arms. He growled as he pressed against the cage bars, but the bars stood sturdy. “What do you know about her?”
The Grand Ruler put his hand up and speaks. “Calm down. I know where she is.” His wings place himself gently on the ground. “She has been abducted.”
The man’s eyes widen as the news reaches his ears. Within a second, his eyes turn into a scowling glare, his grip around the bars tighten. “Who kidnapped her?”
The Grand Ruler’s horn begins to glow as a single image appears from his grand robe. It levitates to the cage, the human swiping it from the air. “This stallion has kidnapped her.”
The image contained a green stallion with black rimmed glasses placed on his nose. A purple scarf wrapped around his neck and a black mane and tail. His scowling face made him look like a villain.
“Who is this?!” the man’s booming voice echoed around them.
The Grand Ruler lowered his head. “He is called the Critique. And he is a very dangerous stallion.” He closes his eyes, slowly. “I fear for her safety.”
The man shakes the bars, allowing the photo to flutter out of his hands. “Let me out of this prison and I’ll make sure she stays safe!”
The Grand Ruler turns away. “No, I cannot do that. My soldiers have already tried to defeat him.” He shook his head. “But failed. I cannot risk another to fall to Equestria.”
“But you know what I can do!” the man screamed, the metal prison surrounding the two bouncing his voice back to them. “You think one stallion will stop me, when your army couldn’t?”
The Grand Ruler smiled. He turned back to the human, his horn glowing. “You truly are her knight in shining armor.”
The cage’s lock releases and the door slides open, allowing the man to step out of his prison. “Where do I find him?”
As the man stood up, he looks like a giant. His muscular build exposed from his black shirt gives him the appearance of a body builder.
The Grand Ruler pointed out the door to the rest of the castle. “He is on the edge of Ponyville. Where the old library once stood.”
The Grand Ruler turned to the giant. “I trust you can find it from there.”
The man nodded and with a quick sprint, he escaped into the other room, out of sight of the Grand Ruler. “And thus, the brave knight known as Daimon, rushes off to rescue his beloved, Romantic Lily, from the terrifying grip of the evil wizard, the Critique. And he stands over his broken body with his arms wrapped around his love, safely out of the dark one’s clutches.”
He looks up to the heavens. “Their lips press against one another and they live happily ever after.”
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Sorry, I've been playing too much Prince of Persia.
Don't worry, I'm suffering right beside you good sir. I'm subjecting myself to the travesty as well.
That would be awesome.
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Yes, quite. *British accent*
Being serious, even I don't try to go there. Because an exclamation mark does that job.
good taste lad, very good taste.
Perhaps because he's 7 and can take care of himself he thinks he's too good for the classics.
After going through Army BCT I can confirm this fact.
Quick, someone call Scootaloo, she needs this masterful exercise regiment!
Do I need to pull out the button? You know the one I'm talking about. Perhaps his real name is Gary.
May I elect a new punishment? Perhaps being boiled in oil with the pendulum of doom inching itself closer and closer while mister Sue is bolted to a table? No need to get yourself messy now.
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What? Where does this bullshit come from?
Let's not forget Cybermen, the Slitheen and Cylons.
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Oh cool. Let me get the popcorn
Why the hell did you remind me of that worthless pile of horse shit? No offense to the shit.
I really want to post a certain L.A Noire meme, but I really don't feel like posting a photo and acknowledging this BS is worth it.
I am so damned tempted to grab that Mary Sue/ Gary Stu button.
And again we find another author that can't writing rhyming dialogue to save his/her life. This is why I tend to stay away from Zecora when I start writing. So I don't fuck it up this bad.
I don't think it tried at all.
I'm under the impression it was assassination by Blueblood...Or I'm just looking for a reason to beat his head in with a fish in newspaper wrapping. You know, outside of being a total prick.
Didn't he turn into a pegasus? Why assume he's a changling? Damn it plot hole stop sucking me out.
Simple Plan, you know the drill.
Obligatory Derpy cameo? Check.
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I think it's been condemned since sentence 1.
oo, oo. Let me bring the music.
Remember when being seven meant wondering what your homework was going to be? Or how about Christmas and birthdays? When did being seven become being a brutal and heartless killer?
I can see what was going on, they were making bets on how long he'd last. Needless to say, Pinkie won because reasons.
I knew it, she wanted him to die.
What is it about people and thinking all she's about is apples?
Probably the author personified.
.......When I was seven I couldn't shut up about anything. How the hell does this kid not talk about nearly being canabalized by a sadistic pink pony with a cupcake complex?
Where the hell is that Gary Stu button at?
When did this turn into a grimdark crossover fic? And why isn't the punk dead yet?
And....obligatory Lyra wanting humans cameo....Bingo! I got bingo!
God damn it, both Daimon and the Grand Ruler working together. Someone send in the orbital friendship cannon, stat!
I appreciate your work. Hope your mood improves soon.
1. I was more coherent in third grade.
2. Ah, the Kid Hero trope. [sarcasm] Because kids can take care of themselves and make good decisions ![/sarcasm]
3. 4:1 the second time he uses them.
4. Because the author is lazy and thinks that different perspectives might turn people off of reading the story.
5. See #4
6. I believe he's referring to Fullmetal Alchemist, but Roy Mustang is a full Colonel throughout most of Brotherhood and the manga... unless he's referring to the 2003 anime; he might have been a Lieutenant Colonel in that.
Still, HOW DARE THIS AUTHOR DEFILE THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS COLONEL ROY MUSTANG?!?!
It's called PLANNING OUT A SCHEDULE! Balance fun with study, so you know what it means to be an alicorn and a normal person at the same time.
How long until the real Roy Mustang flame broils you?
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Well, that'll get annoying fast. I generally use caps when someone's shouting, backed up by a description to say that yes, they are shouting.
Also, if he can take care of himself why is he still living with Celestia and Luna?
Psycho also hold the distinction of being the only movie to give me nightmares. Kudos to Hitchcock.
A further slap in the face of his namesake. If Roy Mustang doesn't come along and set this punk on fire, I'll do it for him.
"Jump off the nearest ledge. If you hit the ground, you can't fly."
I would say something about superheroes, but even they take time to practice and make sure they can use their powers precisely (and then there's the example of She-Hulk, when she trained as Jennifer to make She-Hulk even stronger).
So yeah, screw this guy.
No, I'm pretty sure I thought of Dinosaurs instead.
Also, was it ever explained why he's avoiding the guards? He's a prince, he should be allowed to go where he wants.
... Yeah, that is kind of true.
Although the Fandom tends to flip-flop on that issue.
Nah, that's too good for him. Dipped feet first in molten lead and his soul sealed away to be tortured for eternity, that's better.
Because getting rid of the ability to use magic for better flight capabilities is so much better!
... I don't like symbolic logic, but that still makes no sense.
You mean the spell doesn't wear off?... well, that's stupid.
I don't know what story you're talking about, because it certainly isn't this one.
GAH! THOSE FICS STILL CONTINUE TO HAUNT ME!!!
Part of the reason why I don't include Zecora in my fics: I suck at coming up with rhymes, and the ones I do come up with are not very good.
oh hai, first darkness war.
God, even Batman doesn't complain this much about his parents being dead. Because he turned that grief into purpose.
Convenient way to forward the plot... if there was much plot to forward.
I don't want any more struggles in my life, but you don't see me being a little bitch about it.
DEUS EX MACHINA!!!!
He can join the CMC on their Manticore Slaying escapades. He's the bait.
Yes.
Standard operating procedure of many a Marty Stu fic.
Also I noticed that none of the Mane 6's names are capitalized... that bothers me.
Oh yes, because AJ has no other defining characteristics besides the fact she likes apples.
Author, go die. Now.
SkyeDumbass is more intelligent that this kid.After seeing season 2, I chalked up her pudginess in Season 1 to being pregnant, and from what I hear baby weight is rather hard to lose...
Originality, this story has none. It's just going through half of the "popular" memes in the fandom, and not in a good way.
Copying someone's work in an attempt to be dark and edgy: Not original
Describing how foals and pregnant mothers were tortured and sacrificed to the Gods of Chaos to show how twisted Nightmare Moon's Legions are: much more original
He and Jupiter Williams should start a club.
He couldn't even rip off a good story like "It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door", could he?
You did it! Congratulations, story! You have just destroyed whatever credibility you had, which is not saying much BUT STILL! Allow me to reward you with a nice Exterminatus.
Certainly feels that way. This story has dragged on long enough.
I feel the same way about my college papers, but YOUR PIECE OF SHIT STORY DOES NOT HOLD A CANDLE TO THE WORST OF MY PAPERS!!
Well, that story was needlessly painful, and it looks as if more villains are on their way. DUN DUN DUNNN!
This is punishment for all the times I used Psycho in my reviews isn't it. Though to be fair, it was far more entertaining than this story could ever be.
You are a violent, sadistic, psychotic man...
My thoughts with Zecora is kind of how I write a character like Auron from Final Fantasy X. Zecora only speaks when she has something important to say, that way it's easier for me to write her, because she doesn't have a lot of lines. That's my head cannon anyway.
Now, that's a story I can get behind!
2575807
The unique ability to flap your wings really hard is a lost art. Forget, Rainbow Dash. Roy is truly the best flier in Equestria.
You are a violent, sadistic, psychotic man...
Because only by making fun of that piece of shit does it make it more bearable. Although not by much.
You and everybody else I know.
Applejack used Apple Buck. It's super effective!
This isn't a grimdark crossover fic... Though I wish it was, at least it would be more exciting than what I got.
Congratulations! YOU WON!
Your prize... the shame that you read this story...
At first, I was going to point out that you were going to fall into the same trap that so many other athors had, then I read the last line and was all like
Minor thing, you forgot to color the computers text at the beginning.
You're just jealous 'cause I got mad rock skills!
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It's always funny to see what examples people have made with my old OC. :3
2953575 Thank you. I'm glad you are enjoying them. I really glad that you decided to comment on my reviews. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.
Like a boss!
2955208 You're welcome.