Critique Review: Cielo's Secret · 5:16pm Nov 12th, 2014
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
AND MY INCREDIBLE FLUTTERHULK JUST GOT 1000 VIEWS!
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I’m the only one who cares about that, aren’t I?
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Huff… Okay, let’s just do the review…
Falling in love with a princess isn’t that all uncommon for writers. I personally have a thing for Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
Oh, if only you were a pony.
But something I’ve noticed about reviews I’ve done for the past few months is that most stories involving romance with the Princesses of Equestria, typically involve Luna over Celestia.
Why is that? I would have thought that most writers would want to be with Celestia. After all, she’s the head honcho! She’s got the most power and authority! I’m not trying to dis on Luna or anything, but when I look back at the stories I’ve reviewed, I see that most of the OC characters have a thing for Luna.
Ninja from Enter the Ninja. Silver Haze from A Haze in Equestria. Soren the Alicorn.
And while Celestia does have one where romance is the focus, it’s also written by Mykan. Yeah, so you can see why I’m not particularly fond of CelestiaXGrand Ruler, when its written by the guy who won’t get over TerraXBeast Boy from Teen Titans.
I’m sure there are tons of stories out there with the Celestia forced romance shtick, I’m sure I’ll get to those sometime down the road.
However, most of the issue for the characters falling in love with these Princesses, is that most of them are rather forced or unrealistic.
Ninja and Luna barely shared a sentence together. Silver Haze had the love triangle and spent more time with Twilight than he did with Luna. And Soren… well, Soren is basically a child in the body of an adult and under the age of consent, so it really becomes iffy.
It’s pretty bad when compared to those three stories with Luna, the Mykan story of Celestia and the Grand Ruler is actually more realistic. I’m not saying it’s good by any means, it still suffers a lot of the problems the other stories have, but I at least can buy it more than I can Ninja and Luna, who never even talked to each other.
Hopefully, today’s story will get me to change my mind about that said romance. So, let’s dig into Cielo’s Secret by DijoCurry
Groans could be heard down the halls, where the resting chambers of the Night Princess Luna resided.
Wow, we did not waste any time, did we, story? The first sentence and already the promise of sex has been fulfilled.
Actually, it turns out that Luna is suffering from nightmares, but let’s be honest, what was the first thing that went through your mind when you read that first sentence? I guarantee you it wasn’t a nightmare.
It turns out she is being tormented by Nightmare Moon, who is haunting her with her past crimes.
Nightmare Moon: Feel the dark powers within you, Luna and bail on the tip! That waiter was rude and scatterbrained!
Luna wakes up from her nightmares, but is clearly shaken up by them and Celestia believes she has to do something.
It did not take long for her over protective older sister to begin meddling in Luna’s affairs again.
“Meddling in Luna’s affairs?” “Overprotective?” Celestia spent 1000 years over the guilt that she couldn’t help her sister! She raised the moon every night for 1000 years berating herself that she couldn’t do anything to keep her sister from succumbing to dark powers! 365000 nights she spent as the guilt festered within her over not seeing how arrogant she was!
It’s perfectly understandable why she is overprotective and cautious! This is going to be one of those, ‘Luna rules, Celestia drools’ fics, isn’t it? Do kids still say that now-a-days?
So, Celestia orders a guard to watch over Luna while she sleeps. I don’t really see how this would help. It’s not like he can physically go into her dreams while she is asleep. Wouldn’t you recommend a psychiatrist first?
Luna, however, claims that she can take care of herself and doesn’t want Celestia’s help. Now, this doesn’t really bother me that much since Luna would most likely want to do things on her own, since the last time she was in Equestria, she nearly hurt those she cared about. If she was working alone, then ponies wouldn’t have to get hurt due to her mistakes. Also, there would be proving herself to her sister that she has changed and won’t travel down that path of evil.
The story doesn’t outright say that, but I’ll let it slide for now.
Luna tries to rest before she needs to raise the moon, but continues to be haunted by nightmares.
Luna: Oh, god, I had a dream where I was forced to monologue about how much I am in love with this mysterious ninja, who contributes nothing to the overall story!
Celestia overhears what is going on and rushes to her sister’s bedside. Luna awakens explaining that she is alright and that she just wants to do her job.
We then are told what happens as the weeks pass by, and I really mean told. We get hints at what is bothering Luna, from the Nightmare Moon armor being displayed (which doesn’t make any sense, since Luna made the armor a part of her) and Twilight being crowned. We are told these things bothered Luna, but I would have liked to see them built up more. They could have been used to build up Luna’s frustration and anger and see why she is feeling the way she is.
Also, we are told that Nightmare Moon is brainwashing her, but we aren’t actually show that. We aren’t told what Nightmare Moon is tormenting her with. I assume, it’s the mistakes she’s made, but it’d be nice to actually see that event.
Maybe Nightmare Moon isn’t torturing her with her mistakes but something else.
Nightmare Moon: This is what one fan does in his spare time! He reviews crappy fan fics usually staring you!
Luna: No! No! Keep him away! Keep him away!
Celestia though, was not going to give up so easily, and as luck would have it, she hatched an idea of how to help her sister without directly getting involved.
Of course, ‘without directly getting involved’ means in this context, “Involved as much as possible!” She assigns a guard to watch over Luna. How is that different from the first plan?! Why is that different from the first plan?! It’s not like it’s anything different or can be misinterpreted! Celestia says that she wants a guard to watch over Luna! Luna says no, Celestia’s makes a plan to not get involved, Celestia wants a guard to watch over Luna!
It’s the exact same plan as before! Just because you say it’s not more involved, doesn’t change the plan!
Luna isn’t having any of it, saying that she is fine on her own. Because your temper and lack of communication has done you so much good in the past.
We are then introduced to our male lead, Cielo, the now head of the Royal Guards, since Armor is off to the Crystal Empire.
Luna is still convinced that she is fine on her own. However, Celestia insists that Cielo will be her bodyguard until this whole thing straightens out.
Luna storms off, pissed that she didn’t get her way, and Cielo follows her trying to calm her down. And it’s about here where I have to cringe. The story has been decent up to this point. Not very good, but bearable compared to what I’ve read before, but man, does Luna take it in the face bad in this story. Get a load of this…
“No! of course not, what would a worthless grunt like you know? Can’t think for yourself, only follow your orders blindly…pathetic,” Luna growled in disgust.
THAT IS BULLSHIT! Look, I know Luna is pissed off about being stuck with a guard, but it’s not his fault! He’s just following orders of a princess who has treated him well! And Luna just acts like a bitch the entire time! Look, I’m willing to look over out of character moments, if they make sense!
Luna may not be the most social ponies of all time, and Nightmare Moon isn’t a saint, but they at least did what they thought was best for their subjects! Call Nightmare Moon evil, but at least, she did what she thought was best for her subjects! Granted, it wasn’t, but there was still that loyalty to her kingdom, even if it was screwed up by jealousy and anger! So, I have a really hard time buying this scene!
And it only goes downhill from here, folks. Though I will give credit for it not being love at first sight, like so many other stories!
Luna then starts to work him like a maid and forcing him to clean her quarters… Okay, this makes no sense and this is just tyrannical! Luna simply does this to punish him for doing his job, a job that his and her superior told him to! She has maids who are paid to do this! Maybe I was wrong before. Maybe this is a “Celestia rules. Luna is a bitch” fic.
Well, maybe you’d be more liked if you weren’t such a bitch.
As Cielo begins to clean, Luna starts having nightmares.
Now, this does bring up a thought. Luna has been acting extremely out of character in this moment, and now I think I know why. It’s a cheap, gimmicky way for the author to make his audience feel bad for the character of Cielo, by having him insulted by Luna for no reason.
That doesn’t work like that! You can’t just have a character be out of character, just so you can make another character look good! This is the problem with most OC characters, is that most of the time the author can’t think of a way to make them realistically sympathetic without having some forced bullshit! Like Twilight accusing the character of something they didn’t do or Rainbow Dash being extremely rude, despite there being no reason.
These are examples of what not to do. A character should be able to fit into the world around him, without changing the characters!
Cielo wakes Luna up from her nightmare and Luna explains that she was just having a bad dream. Cielo says that he will remain at her side, and Luna seems to have taken a complete 180 on this. She’s suddenly now, all for it.
Which is weird since she is having a strange stallion she doesn’t know standing over her every night, but I suppose if Princess Celestia vouches for him, I won’t question it too much.
She goes back to sleep with the nightmares mysteriously disappearing. It’s not really explained why. Maybe all that Celestia had to do was wake her up in the middle of the night and it would have interrupted Nightmare Moon to the point where she was too nervous to finish.
Nightmare Moon: Luna, you are here because the outside world,
Celestia: Luna, pancakes!
Luna: Pancakes, oh boy!
Nightmare Moon: Wait! Come back! I’m not done with my… speech… Damn it, hold on. I have to mentally prepare myself again.
Anyway, we see that the cycle continuing with Cielo being run like a slave, Luna being woken up whenever she has a nightmare and Cielo being treated poorly. Well, it says that but frankly, I’ve yet to see anything. This really doesn’t show the whole process. Yeah, it’s fine to skip things every once in a while, but the story says that Luna is starting to change and that she is treating Cielo nicer.
What does that mean? I don’t know, we certainly don’t see any evidence of that.
However, when Luna starts having a nightmare, Cielo shows how much a dick he actually is. During her nightmare and suffering, he just ignores her.
Yeah, what the fuck dude?! Look, I know she hasn’t been exactly nice to you, but you just said, LAST SENTENCE, that she was being kinder to you! HE ACTUALLY WATCHES HER AND TAKES PLEASURE IN HER PAIN! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! WHY DID CELESTIA SEND YOU, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK?!
Also, what if she turns into Nightmare Moon?! Nightmare Moon might cause havoc on Equestria, because you decided to have a little payback! And if Celestia was forced to banish her sister, AGAIN, how do you think you would do, explaining to her that you let this happen to her sister, who we have established she is very protective of, how your arrogance caused her to lose control, when your fucking job was to make sure that shit didn’t happen?!
It’s only when Luna starts crying in pain that Cielo starts to feel bad about his actions and wakes her up. Luna, being a bitch, asks him to continue cleaning, rather than, you know, thanking him for waking her up from her nightmare!
Well, at least, I can’t say those two don’t have a lot in common! They are both ponies I want to blow up with a grenade!
Anyway, as more time passes the nightmares start to fade and hold no power over Luna. So… That’s it? Isn’t it? The big dilemma was solved, right? No more of this story.
Of course not. That would be merciful.
It turns out that Luna is an even bigger bitch than we thought. Luna, despite having no reason to be rude to our protagonist, still sees fit to make his life a living hell for giving data to her sister.
And if that wasn’t evidence that the author was clearly trying to make us feel sorry for Cielo, I don’t what is. Of course, this would be very affective, IF IT WASN’T OUT OF CHARACTER FOR LUNA! Dear lord, this story is dumb!
What’s really weird is that during a big storm, Cielo is forced away to help coordinate the weather team and that he needs to be replaced until he can return.
However, the stallion replacing him doesn’t take as well to Luna’s enslavement.
“Princess Luna I am a royal guard not your personal assistant or servant, if you want food or something cleaned hire a maid to do it. My job is to protect in the event of an attack nothing more; I’m not your lapdog”
Thank you! You, Sir… um… Not appearing in this story… are now my favorite character! He is telling Luna what Cielo should have told her when he first got there! Not baby, Luna, by doing everything she whines about!
The problem with this scene is, I think it’s supposed to make us feel bad for Luna for being treated this way, but… no. That’s not how I feel. I’m fucking cheering this no-named character for standing up to a pony who is being nothing but a spoiled brat!
And then the guard pretty much does nothing as Luna has another nightmare. Oh, Jesus, this is how they force the romance, isn’t it? The only way she can sleep is with dick face by her side.
Also, isn’t the guard supposed to be watching Luna? Making sure she didn’t have nightmares?! Did nopony brief this guy on his job?!
Three days apparently pass, Jesus, it sure as hell feels like it, and Luna hasn’t been sleeping well, and apparently nopony in Canterlot has noticed. NOT EVEN CELESTIA!
Look, I don’t care how good you think you are at hiding how tired you are, three days of disturbed rest is going to be noticeable! Ponies are going to notice that you are not getting enough sleep! Don’t believe me, just try 24 hours! Or more! Go 24 hours without any sleep and try to perform normal tasks! I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fucking walk in the fucking park and I promise you, people who see you regularly, like family, or in this case siblings, are going to notice!
Luna overhears the guards talking about Cielo and how he hasn’t returned yet. Hopefully, he’s hydra chow.
It’s because of his disappearance and rather forced stallion’s not giving a shit, that she realizes “Hey, this stallion is not that bad.”
Sure, he beats me with a rake every night and calls me a slut whore in front of other ponies, but at least he treats me better than these two ever did.
Luna decides to wait a day to see if her ‘true love’ comes back to her. And here’s the point where I don’t buy it. They barely had any interactions with each other, except that Luna ran him around like a slave. And it’s clear that Cielo doesn’t really like Luna, since he enjoyed seeing her in pain!
The romance in this story is really difficult to buy when it is about two ponies who don’t really interact with each other and barely have a conversation together!
Nights continue to roll by as Luna continues to have nightmares and pleads for her precious Cielo to return.
Look, I’m all for romance in a story. But this is contrived beyond words! Not only that, but it makes Luna look completely helpless! Luna is just a damsel in distress who has been locked in a tower, waiting for her hero to come save her! That’s it! That’s all she is in this story! She doesn’t have strength on her own, have power or the ability to ask for help from others! No! That would be interesting! Instead, we get the hero, who is the only one who understands her and protects her with every fiber of his being!
That is not how romance works and I don’t care what Stephanie Meyer says!
Don’t believe me; take a look at this!
However, at this very moment, she wished Cielo was there to ask her what was wrong, or to at least reassure her there was nothing to fear.
Because, she doesn’t have a sister she can go to for help, who has been around for 1000 years and deeply cares about her. One who might actually want to help her out of respect for her and a unconditional love, you know, instead of being charged with a task and not being treated like shit.
… Who the fuck are you?
One day, Luna wakes up late because nopony bothers checking up on her! NOT EVEN HER SISTER, WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE OVERPROTECTIVE OF HER! I AM BEGGING YOU, HAVE SOME FUCKING CONSISTANCY!
We have Celestia who has been accused of being overprotective, but she does nothing to actually back that claim up! We have Luna who says she is in love with Cielo! Again, nothing to back that up! And then on a whim, she changes her mind and treats him like shit! Look, mood swings are one thing, inconsistency are entirely another!
And just in case we were all having happy thoughts of Cielo’s death, it turns out that he is actually alive. Yeah, way to keep the tension, story…
Cielo wanders back to Canterlot after dealing with the snowstorm up north, to which he was wounded. The night starts to approach as he knows that Luna will raise the moon soon.
He would have gone to the altar and waited for her to finish but it was forbidden; no mortal had been allowed up there to see the raising of the sun or moon in over 100 years. The reason for this was shrouded in mystery, but anyone with a grasp on strategy figured it may be the princesses are most vulnerable when channeling so much magic.
… Um… are we watching the same show?
Because it clearly shows that Celestia raises the sun here! With a crowd of ponies who came to watch her, one of them being a young Twilight Sparkle! AND we’ve already mentioned Twilight’s coronation! Are you saying that 100 years have passed since young Twilight Sparkle saw Celestia raised the sun to the last events seen in season 3?!
Luna realizes that Cielo is there and is overwhelmed by his return . Aw… let me get my barf bag…
She notices how injured he is and orders him to rest until he has recovered. They arrive at the doctor who has this to say…
“Dose this hurt much?” the doctor inquired trying to validate what he knew.
Huh… I didn’t know the doctor was German. That or it’s a spelling error, but I’m sticking with my version. It’s funnier and is more bearable.
As the doctor continues to test the wings, rather violently I might add, he comes to the discovery that Cielo’s wings are suffering from Exertional Rhabdomyolysis (a breakdown of the muscles due to extreme use of them based on the little research I did.)
The doctor says that he needs to have his wings rest for a while and that he can’t perform any strenuous tasks on his wings.
Cielo agrees, but says that he will put himself in danger if he needs to. Which brings up the question, do storms go out of control all the time in Equestria?! And don’t they have a special response team to help deal with that, rather than just one pony?!
Cielo leaves the doctor’s office, the doctor asking him to return in three days with a decision. Even though the doctor could probably go to Celestia, explaining the problem and that he is putting himself at risk, but I guess there is the whole confidential thing, so I’ll let it slide.
Luna wonders what is going on, but Cielo says not to worry about it.
Cielo is as confused as most of the audience is about Luna’s 180, and it’s even sadder for us because we saw Luna’s point of view, and I’m still lost as shit.
Luna admits that she was unfair to him and that she wants to make it up to him. Cielo asks why she disliked him so much and Luna explained that she never disliked him. Of course not. She only disliked her sister for giving her a guard to protect her.
Which as you will recall, this is the sister who doesn’t concern herself with her sister’s problems and confront them! Talking to her and making sure she is safe! Not noticing when her sister, who she is supposed to be protective of, is not getting enough rest or nourishment!
A bit hypocritical, aren’t we?
Don’t worry. I know it’s the story, and not you, that’s the problem.
And then the story tries even harder to convince me that Celestia is the villain…
“You feel trapped, Princess Luna, perhaps even oppressed? Even I can see it, and I have seen it from Celestia’s side as well. Not her point of view, but her actions, I have seen how they affect you and how they have hindered you.”
WHEN?! When has it ever shown that?! When has that ever been shown?! Are you talking about the show?! Yeah, Luna doesn’t get much screen time, but neither does Celestia?! Do you seriously think that Celestia locks Luna in a cell to keep her out of the episodes?! I think Luna got more screen time in season 3 and season 4!
And even ignoring those for a second, Luna has never once mentioned that she has felt imprisoned! The only, ONLY time that has been mentioned is when she was having the nightmares! It’s never been when she was awake! So, I don’t buy this bullshit! Even for a second!
Why is everypony in this story a fucking moron?! This is definitely a "Critique Rules, Everypony else is an idiot!" story!
“It’s nice to have somepony to talk to for once, and to hear for a change that I am right in challenging my sister.”
I know that siblings sometimes have problems with one another, but here’s a great idea that might be able to help you… TRY TALKING TO HER!
How many times have you had a chance to tell her how you feel?! It’s not like she’s going to banish you to the moon because you decide to stand up for yourself!
Warning: You might want to turn your volume down… A lot.
Never mind. Clearly I was wrong. At least, I won’t have to see this story for another 1000 years.
As Luna puts Cielo down to rest, she sneaks off to the doctor’s office to look into Cielo’s file. The doctor explains that his medical record is confidential. Luna demands to see them and apparently, that’s all the German doctor needs to give up his confidentiality on his patients.
You know, I think there is a law against that, asshole! … Speaking of which, I think I need change doctors.
However, it turns out that the medical documents concerning Cielo are actually missing. Nopony knows who took them. Why do I feel the pony who took them is going to make no sense whatsoever?
Luna does get the doctor to explain Cielo’s problem, burning any respect I had for this character by betraying a code of conduct! Does he go around shouting everypony’s medical records as if it was casual dinner conversations?!
Also, why did the doctor go for the medical records, if he already knew the patient’s condition?!
The doctor then explains to Luna that he will probably go to Celestia with this. Sure, why not? But of course, you couldn’t leave out the part where you describe what has happened to him and just state that ‘for his own benefit and safety, he needs to stay off his wings’! You don’t have to explain a medical problem, just say that ‘it’s doctor’s orders’!
Ugh… I’m getting tired of this story, so I’m going to end it as quickly as I can…
The doctor decides to go to Celestia to try and explain what is happening with Cielo. The guard to her room stops him, explaining that she is asleep, but then… Well, let’s do some roleplaying. Pretend you are the guard.
You: I’m sorry, but Princess Celestia is asleep at the moment and I’d rather not have anypony disturb her. Please understand.
“Move it young lad or I assure you stopping me from knocking on the princesses doors will be the last task you ever perform, I’m under strict orders to report to princess Celestia under certain circumstances and this happens to be one of them times. Her orders not mine however if you would rather I tell Princess Celestia you stopped me from performing a task she herself appointed to me well then I’ll be on my way and let you take the blame on this blunder” The doctor replied in a very confident and borderline threatening tone.
JESUS CHRIST, DUDE! There is explaining a point sternly or there is being a complete dick! And guess what? You are neither of those! A dick would have been more compassionate than that! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
God, I need a real doctor to talk some sense into this guy!
Doctor Dick explains to Celestia that Cielo’s medical file is missing. And the doctor says the dumbest thing in this story thus far and believe me, that is no small feat!
The doctor paused and thought. “I don’t know who would want his file or why but it’s gone, what if somepony leaks this to press”
Oh, no! Not the press! Somepony might find out that he is risking his life to help others and that he should basically be awarded the Equestria equivalent of a Medal of Honor!
This is stupid! There is no reason why the doctor should be worried about ‘the press’ getting a hold of this information! What does he think they are going to do with it?! Black mail Celestia?! Asking her why weather problems occur?! That doesn’t even make sense! Disasters happen in Equestria all the time, since the weather can’t happen unless somepony makes it happen!
Yes, I understand that some places like the Everfree Forest and the Windigos are the exception, but what does Cielo’s medical record have to do with that?! It’s not like its top secret or a conspiracy! Ponies knew about the weather problem! The other guards knew about it, that is how Luna knew about it! Who is hiding something?!
Urgh! This story is making my brain hurt, so let’s just move on!
The doctor leaves after explaining everything to Celestia.
After leaving Celestia alone, it turns out that she was the one who stole the medical files!
… WHAT?! That’s just… WHAT?!
I… just … WHAT?!
WHY DOES CELESTIA HAVE THE MEDICAL FILES?! WHY?! THERE IS NO POINT DAMNIT! THERE IS NO POINT WHATSOEVER! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! SOMEPONY, PLEASE, KILL ME! KILL ME! END MY MISERY! END IT ALL! END IT ALL!
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Okay… I think I’m better now…
Since I know all of you are smart enough to figure out why Celestia stealing the medical files is stupid, I won’t go over them.
But for the author’s sake, I’d better. One, Celestia taking them from the medical office, makes no sense! She has no reason to do it since she could have just asked the doctor about it. Hell, he did for Luna, and she has less authority! This is another example of Celestia being portrayed as a dick.
Two, how is it that Celestia is able to notice that her head of the guards is having problems with his wings, BUT IS UNABLE TO NOTICE WHEN HER OWN SISTER IS HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING?!
Three, why does she need to keep the files?! After she found out what was wrong, she shouldn’t need them, therefore, she shouldn’t have any reason to keep them hidden! It’s not like somepony knowing that he was injured would cause chaos in the streets since ponies get injured all the time! Rainbow Dash had a broken wing!
Or is this some universe where ‘there hasn’t been a murder in Equestria for hundreds of years’ bullshit?! Or in this case, an injury?! Which, by the way, makes even less sense!
Dear lord, I’ve only done the first scene of the last chapter, I’ve still got 6 more to go!
Celestia goes to talk to Cielo, but Luna unfortunately, can’t stop being a dick about it.
“What do you want?” Luna asked almost irritated to see Celestia’s face.
I am thinking about starting a new group of ponies separate from the Solar Empire and the Lunar Republic. I’m going to call them “Intelligent Ponies Against Idiots” Or “IPAI” … Okay, the name needs work, but I’d make a better leader than the two of you!
Celestia asks why Luna was in the doctor’s office snooping around and asking for medical information. Luna lies and says that she doesn’t know what she is talking about. Celestia explains that the doctor told her and accuses Cielo of allowing her to do so.
Cielo’s job isn’t to stop Luna from doing whatever she wants, it’s to keep Luna safe from the nightmares, that aren’t even relevant to this part of the story and dear lord, make it stop!
Luna explains that Cielo wasn’t involved and that she drugged him to sleep. And if you thought that there was no way… no chance… no method of storytelling that could piss me off more than anything else that this story has thrown at me… Well, I’m sorry to say… that’s not true. Witness, fillies and gentlecolts, the crowning achievement of out of character behavior for any character in MLP fan fiction.
“That is no reason to Drug him you twit!” Celestia snapped angrily pushing Luna’s door open and inviting herself in much to Luna’s dismay. Celestia slammed the door and faced Luna “Have you any idea what you have done! Cielo cannot handle medication well, he’ll be recovering from that for days!”
Fine whatever do whatever you want” Celestia shook her head and walked past her sister opening the door again. “Smarten up and use your brain next time before you go and do something stupid” Celestia said with bitterness in her voice before slamming Luna’s door shut; She heard Luna scream out in anger as she walk away.
Yes… In a story, that is supposed to be taken 100% seriously, unlike the Tales of Prince Martin… Celestia… one of the kindest ponies in all of Equestria, just called her sister, who we have established loves her very much… a twit… and stupid.
… 
You know… When I think of Celestia, I think of how much compassion she has for others. How much understanding she seems to possess and how much kindness emanates off her and seems to radiate this light of good that shines into every pony she touches.
I once read a comic where Celestia is beginning to doubt herself having failed to stop the Changeling invasion herself. Wondering what good she is. Wondering why she can’t do anything right to the ponies she loves so very much. Discord and Nightmare Moon defeated her and she placed the burden on others, much to her own grief. She begins to wonder if she is worth anything anymore
And in that comic, Twilight comes up to her and says this…
Chrysalis said it herself, that Equestria has more love than anyplace she’d ever encountered. We have you to thank for that!
Princess, you haven’t been the ruler of Equestria because you are the most powerful or because you raise the sun. It’s because you’ve always done what is best for Equestria, even at great personal cost.
You’re not just the ruler of Equestria, you’re its LEADER and its teacher. Just as you’ve always taught me and led me as your student. Not only does everypony need you to be the leader of Equestria, we WANT you to be.
You’re the one who taught me it’s never too late in life to make friends, or to reconnect with family and rely on each other.
And I would hardly call your past actions failures. You did better than anypony could hope to on her own, and it’s because of you that Equestria is what it is today.
Our recent victories were possible because we all worked together, not because we’re better ponies than you. You’re one of the best mares I’ve ever known! I hope I can become half the pony you are someday.
We aren’t fighting INSTEAD of you, we’re all working together. Relaying on others isn’t a weakness; it’s strength.
We can do so much more together, and when we do fail, we’ll be there to help one another, even at the worst of times.
This comic written by Digital Dasher Bot became kind of how I view Celestia and as a whole Equestria. Celestia isn’t some all-powerful goddess who can wipe out armies with her power, nor would she want to. She is kind enough to give Discord, a spirit of chaos, a chance at redemption. She is torn apart when she is forced to hurt her sister. And she was ashamed when she could not protect others.
But her strength isn’t in how powerful she is. Her strength comes from how kind she is. Her desire to help others. Her ability to love with all her heart and treat others with respect. The reason why Equestria is so strong is because of unity. Friendship. Strength in numbers. Love. Companionship. Bonds of trust and fellowship that tie us all together and make us stronger, braver and able to take on challenges that would normally be insurmountable.
It is strong because a kind and generous leader decided that is what she wanted her country to be about. And she took every step necessary to make it happen.
This is a very similar mindset to what Fire Emblem does and it is why I believe in this strength of character for Celestia. Her ability to love.
Let me ask you this… Is someone who loves with all their heart, who concerns herself with the safety and security of ponies all around her, somepony who is torn apart when she is unable to help somepony feel wanted, sound like the type of pony who would call another pony, a sibling she loves with all her heart no less, stupid?
Okay… I’ve rambled on way longer than I should have…
Let’s just finish the review…
Celestia berates Luna calling her stupid, because that surely helps my temper, about what Luna did, but Luna explains it was an accident. Celestia leaves, promising to find Luna a new guard until she wakes up.
I volunteer! I promise to make you both less stupid, by hitting you in the head with a shovel when you say something stupid!
Celestia trots into the room where Cielo is resting and speaks with him. However, thanks to the medication in his tea before, he is out like a light. Celestia starts to cry over the fact that’s she’s failed everypony, including her sister and apparently, his mother.
I would refer you to the speech Twilight gave you after the Changeling invasion, but clearly, the way you’ve been acting, I can only think of one speech to give you!
Cielo wakes up later that night and Luna is excited to see he is okay.
I know I’m not, I’m pretty sure he’s an alien spy, who has sucked out all the intelligence of both Luna and Celestia. Would explain why they are acting like assholes!
So, it turns out that Cielo’s wings are just fine because he has a special healing factor granted him by Wolverine after he evolved from an otter in Marville.
… Seriously, would any of you be surprised if that was the case?
Celestia arrives and asks Cielo to see the doctor after she explains that she knows about his condition.
“Fine let’s go” Cielo growled and started to walk by Celestia. “But no matter the outcome you can kiss my tail if you think I’m going to stay on the ground”
God, you are making Rainbow Dash in the episode where she injures herself look like she is afraid of heights! What is your holy problem?! If you really want to fly, I’ve got a missile I can tie you to!
And Luna, deciding to follow suite with her ‘boyfriend’, whips her tail in Celestia’s cheek.
… Let me repeat that…
With a flick of her tail Luna smacked Celestia’s cheek and continued down the hall, Celestia stood there silent for a moment wanting badly to lash out at Luna but through sheer will power she held herself back and just took it.
This… this is a troll fic… It has to be… There’s no way this can be taken as a serious story! It can’t be real… it just… can’t… Are you seriously telling that this horrid piece of shit of a story, we are supposed to take 100% seriously?! What kind of collective of dead hamsters wrote this piece of shit?!
At this point, I would not be surprised if that is how this story was written!
So, Celestia, Cielo and Luna decide to go to the doctor to find out what Cielo’s condition is. And the final middle finger to the audience is that Cielo’s condition has miraculously vanished in one night!
Yes, Cielo’s condition, the whole point that we have been building up to for the past two chapters… has ultimately amounted to nothing!
I have wasted this part of my life reading this story, going through all the anger in the universe, for nothing!
… Is there any chance that one of you could break into my home and impale me on a pike? That would be more pleasurable than reading this thing!
And our story ends revealing that Celestia actually cast a spell to transfer Cielo’s condition to herselfNOPE!
Wrong. … Wrong. Wrong. Try again. Wrong. Nope. I don’t buy it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Try again. Wrong, Wrong! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!
This story… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I mean, really?! Are you fucking kidding me, story?!
God, forget about the spelling errors and terrible grammar for this thing!
What the fucking hell?! This one physically hurt me to review!
The characters are so unbelievably mean spirited to make this story edgy when really, it comes off at disrespectful and insulting!
The plot is nonexistent! Were we supposed to worry about Cielo and his job?! We never learn anything about him and why he is so obsessed with this job! Instead of actually learning his motivations for his job, he comes off as a prick who likes to whine because “Mommy won’t let me fly!” Fuck you, Cielo! I hope you burn in hell!
Celestia and Luna are probably the worst portrayal in a story I’ve ever seen! Even with that bit in the end where Celestia, I guess, tries to be nice and take the punishment for Cielo, 99% of the story, they both act like jackasses! Luna is an unbelievable bitch for no fucking reason! And Celestia isn’t much better!
I know who wrote this story! This was written by somepony who can’t stand either of these characters! Which is stupid because then why would you make your OC have the hots for Luna?! I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it’s the only way I can fathom writing this spectacularly stupid!
And what is with the title?! Cielo’s Secret?! WHAT SECRET?! THAT HE IS A PEGASUS WHO FLIES AFTER PONIES TO SAVE THEM?! THAT HE’S MOTHER DIED?! THAT HE IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE?!
And the biggest failing of this story? It doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be! Is it trying to be mean spirited? Heartwarming? What is this story’s identity?!
I would at least have a little bit of respect if the story could keep its mean spirited tone, but the story can’t even do that! It shifts from being mean-spirited with the characters acting like total dicks to one another, to Luna falling in love with Cielo. Then it goes back to the cruelness of Celestia and Luna, and then I think it’s supposed to make it all better with the end scene, but again, it doesn’t fit the tone of what was established!
If this wanted to be a mean-spirited story, it needed to tone down the heartwarming moments.
If it wanted to be heartwarming, the harsh moments had to be downplayed!
Since it can’t choose either, it comes off as an unfocused, unfinished mess! And one I will not be reading again anytime soon!
This story is boring, mean-spirited, and downright idiotic! And I would not even use its pages to wipe my ass with!
I would rather wipe my ass with my own hoof than touch this piece of shit again!
***
He made his way to the door, the review still filling his every thought. Rage consumed his mind. All he wanted was something to punch and kick to relieve his stress.
Suddenly, the front door began to pull away from him with a thunderous crackling. A large portion of the wall surrounding the door began to crack and pull away from the foundation. He leaped backwards landing on his flank, his body too stiff to move. As it tilted horizontally, he saw the image of a man, lifting a huge portion of the wall with his bare hands.
The man glared down to him. “Where is she?!”
Finally, the Critique’s voice found him. “What the hell?!”
With a swift flick of the man’s arms, the door and portion of the wall flew from his hands, landing near the neighbor’s house. He turned back to the Critique. “I said, where is she?!”
Critique started to back away, his heart pounding in his head. “Where is who?!”
The man followed Critique, slowly stepping into the house. “Romantic Lily! Where is she?”
Critique shook his head. “Dude, I don’t know who you are talking about!”
“Don’t lie to me!” The human stomped his foot onto the ground. The whole library shook, books fell from the shelves, Critique to the floor. Cracks formed in the floor, stretching out to the center of the room. “The Grand Ruler told me you kidnapped her!
Critique slithered across the floor backwards. “Grand Ruler? Who’s the Grand Ruler?”
The human roared and lifted his arm, charging like a rampaging rhino. However, he was stopped by two mechanical fingers wrapping around his own. “I have him restrained, sir,” Computer stated.
Critique took in a sigh of relief. “It’s about time!”
The human pulled with all his might against the robotic arms until a thunderous snap filled the air. Computer’s first arm had been torn in half.
With a robotic limb dangling from his forearm, the human grabbed the second robotic arm and ripped it from the wall.
Critique’s eyes widened as the human held the long robotic arm like a large staff. The human swung the staff at the Critique. Fortunately, Critique was able to duck out of the way.
The human swung back again, this time connecting with his target. Critique was sent across the room and against a bookshelf. Pain flared up like a roaring flame in his body as he slowly picked himself off the ground.
He looked up to the ceiling. “Computer, shotgun! Now!” With those words, a shotgun appeared from the wall, landing at Critique’s feet. Picking it up quickly and aiming it, he fired at the human’s body.
The pellets bounced off his skin, leaving no trace of damage. The human simply continued his slow march towards him, stopping for nothing. Critique fired again and again, with the same result. The human stood over him, as he pulled the trigger once more. Still, nothing came of it.
The human ripped the shotgun out of the Critique’s hooves and broke it over his knee, shattering the handle into splinters.
Critique’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, come on. I never got to kill anything with that!”
Suddenly, the human’s hand wrapped around Critique’s neck. He effortlessly pulled the Critique up to his face and glared into his eyes. “Where is Lily?!”
Critique fought against the grip of his attacker, flailing his hooves into the human’s arm. However, the human hardly flinched, let alone loosened his grip. He tried to respond, but his voice cracked struggling for air.
With a roar, the human tossed Critique across the room, into one of the bookshelves. Several books fell from the shelf on top of him, pummeling his already miserable body. He placed his hoof on the ground, struggling to get his footing.
A tall shadow appeared above him, causing him to glance upward. The human stood over him, his hands clinched together. “If you won’t tell me, I’ll just beat the answers out of you!” He raised his arms, ready to bring down his hands like a battering ram.
Critique raised his hoof as if to create an imaginary barrier between him and this human. A whimpering escaped his lips. He closed his eyes. Please let this be a nightmare. Please!
Before any harm could come to him, a cry came from the human’s mouth. Critique opened his eyes to see a stallion standing behind the human, with a baseball bat in hoof. Critique recognized the stallion as one of the neighbors.
The human turned around and grabbed the stallion by the neck with such speed if Critique had blinked he would have missed it. The suddenness of the attack caused the stallion to drop his weapon and flail against the human’s grip.
The human turned around showing his neighbor in his grasp. “Let Lily go, or I’ll crush his skull!”
“Okay, okay,” Critique blurted out before he could stop himself. His mind spun into a tornado of chaos. “I’ll let her go.” He put his hoof up, trying to move as slowly as possible. “Just don’t hurt him.”
Critique picked himself off the ground and began to slowly trot to the end of the hall. He felt a vibration in his scarf. It was probably Computer demanding to know what he was up to. Frankly, he wasn’t sure what he was up to. Great, backed myself into a corner this time, he admitted to himself. He trotted slowly to the kitchen, the human following closely behind, with the neighbor still in his grasp.
They came to the end of the kitchen to one of the closets. Critique opened it slowly and pulled out his phone, whispering. “Computer, get ready on the lights.”
Critique turned back to the human who was still glaring at him. He pointed to the dark closet. “She’s in there.”
The human stepped into the room. However, he glanced around him as if he couldn’t see anything. He turned around his face intensified. “I can’t see in the dark! Give me some light!”
Critique lowered his head. “Okay. Give him what he wants, Computer.”
The human turned his head back towards the room and suddenly, the bulb in the room shined brightly in his face. The human cried out in pain as he hand released the stallion to cover his eyes. Critique took advantage of the human’s blindness and grabbed the stallion by the hoof.
“Come on!” he yelled, dragging the stallion to the end of the library. He heard the sounds of the human swinging his arm wildly, as it hit one of the walls with a thunderous boom. As they approached the front door, Critique shoves the stallion out his front door. “Run! Just go!”
The stallion nods and rushes back to his house, presumably to call the royal guard. If somepony hadn’t called them already. Another cry came from the human’s throat as his hand crashed into another wall, causing a huge crack.
As Critique looked upon him, he noticed a long red stream flowing down his neck. Is that blood? He put his hoof on his chin. “The guy takes shotgun pellets like their nothing. So what could cause him to bleed like that?”
His phone vibrated once more. “Unknown, sir. By all accounts, it does not make any sense. The only attack that hurt him was the wooden bat used by your neighbor. But that defies logic.”
Critique thought for a moment. Then the answer hit him. Or it’s just like Kryptonite. He looked down to his hooves and found the wooden bat. As he moved his hoof to pick it up, the human appeared at the other side of the library. With a scream of rage, the human slammed his hand against the ground, causing the ground to give away below Critique’s feet.
Critique felt gravity take a hold of him, pulling him towards the basement. His body trembled with pain as he slammed into the ground. With his vision blurred, he shook his head. He hoped to clear the ringing in his ears. His mind instantly jumped to the baseball bat. It was no longer in his hooves. He figured he must have lost it during his fall. Frantically, he moved his hooves back and forth along the ground, hoping he would get lucky and touch it.
A tremor occurred beneath Critique’s hooves, causing him to turn his head to the epicenter. Even with his vision hindered, he could see the shape of the human coming straight for him. With a yell, the human charged at Critique, his hand raised to strike.
Critique dove away from the human as his fist slammed against the ground, causing cracks to be formed. Critique searched around him to find the bat only a few feet away from him. He rushed over to the bat and took it in his hooves. Hearing the footsteps of his opponent coming closer, he quickly turned around swinging the bat as hard as he could.
The bat collided with the human’s face, causing to stagger several feet backwards. Critique took the opportunity to slam the bat against his body again. Faster he swung his weapon, slamming into his face, once more.
Finally, the giant toppled to the ground, with only a soft moan slithering from his lips. Critique’s heavy breaths filled the room as the bat slipped from his hooves. He collapsed to the ground, his lungs feeling like they were about to burst out of his chest.
“Computer,” he called, his voice interrupted by his breathing. “For Heart’s Warming, I want a wooden bat.”
His phone in his scarf vibrated. “Yes, sir.”
***
“No, I don’t know why that psychotic is after me!” Critique replied to the royal guard for what seemed like the hundredth time.
“Sir, calm down,” the guard asked. “We need to ask these questions.”
Royal Guard, Charming Chorus, had been one of the first royal guards on the scene and was the supposed head stallion of the investigation. At first, Critique didn’t know what, but he was starting to catch on. The investigation of these idiots that keep attacking him for no reason. Well, most of them anyway.
Charming took in a deep breath. “Do you have any enemies, Mr. Coin?”
Critique rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the name he was called. “Yes, but not usually ones who want to kill me.”
Charming lifted his notepad with his magic and jot down what Critique said with his pen. “Mr. Coin, I do not think these attacks have been random.”
Critique raised his eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but three times is enemy action,” Charming explained. “Is there anything the three attackers have in common?”
Critique thought back for a moment, trying to ignore his ‘cracked ribs’ for a moment as the pain seared through his body when he shifted his weight. “I don’t know.”
Charming nodded. “And what about the newest one, Damion?”
Critique closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “He mentioned that I kidnapped somepony named Romantic Lily. He said that somepony named The Grand Ruler accused me.”
With another swift scribble of this notepad, he gave another nod. “Thank you, Mr. Coin. That will help our investigation.”
Critique shook his head as he stood outside the nearly demolished library. His only thought was what Celestia was going to think about him destroying the library not once, but twice.
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Maybe she just realized Cielo is played by Chris Hemsworth. That made me watch the Red Dawn remake.
If it's Celestia, I swear I'm going to-
Because that's what you do for the people you love. You roofie them!
Unfortunately, I lack a pike. But you can learn more about my home breaking exploits here
He's the queen of the vampires.
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130508901403.gif
Because Luna has the Dark and Troubled Past, and people think good is boring.
You know you suck when Mykan does something better than you, for a broad definition of "Better"
*70's porn music starts up*
[sarcasm]Well, that's original.[/sarcasm]
4:1 in your favor. And Discord did say something to that effect in Season 2, but not sure if that counts.
Unless he's Leonardo DiCaprio.
Further proof that the Canterlot guard is about as useless as throwing cheese at flying saucers.
Yet again, telling instead of showing strikes.
Shown
This story is getting circular... does that mean we're stuck in a Groundhog Day loop?
I certainly hope not.
Maybe this guard is Leonardo DiCaprio
I had no idea that Luna was deaged to a teen instead of the thousand(?) year old princess she is in canon. When did that happen?
Never piss off the captain of the royal guard. You might end up like a good chunk of the Roman Emperors (read: knifed to death by conspirators).
Not much, but it's the thought that counts.
And this is the pony that has more fans than Celestia?
When did she go to bed? Was there a transition between her being a taskmaster and her falling asleep? Is she hallucinating instead?
WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?!?
You say potato, I say brick
Gah, that's about as bad as Mykan's "Hold your breath and count to ten" bullshit from his stories.
Demon Roach 1: Heh heh.
Demon Roach 2: Other people's pain is funny.
Think bigger. Set them up on a date and place 500 pounds of TNT beneath each table.
... Dammit.
"Oh my God! My sister cares about me! THAT BITCH!!!"
YES! SOMEONE WHO GETS IT!!!
Think the commas are a bit redundant.
... so this is a porno?
Having done that once or twice, I can agree; it's damn near impossible.
Yes.
So, it's like half the romance fanfictions that exist?
And I thought Zuko and
SkyeDumbass had no chemistry.Who wrote this story, Frank Miller?
Nah, doesn't have enough bold words where they shouldn't be.
Not for long *preps Exterminatus*
... Well, he hasn't seen the show.
And his reasoning sounds eerily similar to Zod's plot in Mare of Steel. Is this a common thing in ponyfics?
Make it two. And a shotgun as well.
All doctors are German in fiction, didn't you know?
Makes him an idiot. If you're not operating at 100%, you're not only going to put yourself in danger, but the people you're trying to help as well.
Could've fooled me
Yes, that it is...
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Have you forgotten six mares who are responsible for saving you from your superpowered evil side?
or your sister?
or your niece?
WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO THEM, HUH?!
I'm sure there is too, and while Luna is the sovereign ruler of a nation it's still creepy.
and I think you forgot a word between "need" and "change"
I've also noticed that everyone speaks rather... formally. like the author is trying to use big words and long, drawn out sentences to make himself look smarter.
Well, it didn't work. Congratulations.
... Is this guy really so important that his missing medical files would cause a national crisis? It's not like he's Superman, and his medical records reveal he didn't get killed by Doomsday and is missing; he's just a guard, a high ranking one but a guard nonetheless. The press would not really care about his missing medical records.
>brain.exe has stopped working
>Reboot in progress...
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... You poor, poor man.
I'd vote for you.
media.desura.com/images/members/1/323/322945/Power_of_the_Imperium_-_Exterminatus.jpg
... *Casually pushes God Empress of Ponykind away*
NO! NOOOOOO!!! NOT MARVILLE! ANYTHING BUT MARVILLE!!!... Okay, not anything, Countdown and Cry for Justice are just as bad.
One way ticket to the sun!
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wat did I just i don't even
You said it perfectly. there's no way that anyone can take this seriously. What was the author thinking when he wrote this?
That's what I was thinking; this story makes no sense whatsoever. Mykan was more coherent, and as I said before you know you suck when Mykan can do something better than you. It's like the author wanted to have his cake and eat it too, but cut off too many slices of cake and got indigestion.
... Wow, that got away from me quickly.
Quick! throw some cake at him!
Also, everything after he beats the bad guy is centered. Might want to check the formatting for that.
Good review. I look forward to more.
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You've got something up your sleeve, don't you? Should I be concerned?
My methods... I just followed what Tommy Wiseau taught me.
NOT THE LEFT! I CAN'T HANDLE THE LEFT!
And thank you Mr. Schwarzenegger.
2590681
Okay, I should have rephrased that. Celestia can be interpreted in different ways. Not one way is the correct way. Different writers see her differently. The problem is when the writer throws all logic out the window when writing her character, like in this piece of shit.
Glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully next week will be better. But I just know... it won't.
2591837 I see. Thanks for the clarification.
And hopefully next week doesn't hurt you too badly
2592232 It's like with Batman. Other writers see Batman slightly differently. But as long as the essence of the character is there, it's fine. The problem is when we get characters like Crazy Steve and Bonkers Betty.