Critique Review: Our Gifts · 4:03pm Dec 3rd, 2014
Oh, Michael… How I wish I could hear you live?
Computer, shut that shit off!
But sir, it is Michael Buble?
I don’t care if it’s fucking Josh Groban! Turn it off!
Party pooper.
Anyway, hello everypony. I am the Critique.
So, I guess with this new month before us, I need to get started on my next review. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on my usual introductions, I just want to get into this story. Our story today is Our Gifts by TheDescendant. Wait… Our Gifts? Computer, are you sure you’ve got the right schedule?
...
Computer?
Apologies, sir. Yes, today you are to review Our Gifts.
Huh? … I don’t remember putting that on the schedule. … Okay, then. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Our story begins with Twilight Sparkle excited for Heart’s Warming.
Twilight Sparkle was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.
It happens to all of us, Twilight.
She leaps around the room and falls off her bed.
99 Twilight’s jumping on the bed! One fell off and became an alicorn! … What, they can’t all be my A material?!
Spike comes in and goes to check on her.
Twilight Sparkle though was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.
Yeah… we established that… I don’t think we need to again.
Twilight then…
She jumped upon the bed, fixing him with a mischievous smirk.
“I’m gonna get your candy cane, Spike,” she whispered.
“Uh oh!” he called, and in one smooth motion he rolled off the bed and began to pelt across the room.
“Gonna get it!” she called, barely hiding the laughter in her voice.
… … … This fic is rated everyone, right?
Maybe this is just my perverted mind still recovering from last week’s overload, but… what the hell?!
I mean, I know Spike has actual candy canes in his claws, but yeah, even knowing that, that’s a little fucking creepy!
So, a chase scene ensues between the two as Twilight tries to get Spike’s… candy cane… I know it’s supposed to be playful here and supposed to be innocent, but damn, it’s hard to get that thought out of my head!
Twilight manages to pin Spike down and … that’s it, I’ve got a start a dirty thoughts jar on this story; because I have a feeling I’m going to need it.
So, Twilight manages to get Spike to hand over some of his candy canes.
Twilight Sparkle was feeling, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy.
Yes, you’ve said that twice now… No need to beat it into our skulls.
“Spike?” she asked as a broad smile fell over her face. She lifted her head and peered down at him from above. “May I have a lick of your candy cane, please?”
Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be broke by the end of this?
As they sit in the window, they simply watch the majesty of the holiday decorations. However, the night starts to age and Twilight suggests that they get ready for bed. Spike asks why Twilight is, in all honesty, just a little bit giddy. Hey, the story is bashing into your head, I might as well.
Twilight admits that she feels like a little kid again and that, somehow, gets Spike depressed. Spike starts to lie in his crib when Twilight decides that he has become too big for it. So, she decides that Spike will sleep with her.
Yeah, the candy cane gets me to be perverted, but that scene … nothing… Maybe I’m more fucked up than I realized? Or maybe I should stop drinking before reviews?
As the night goes on, Twilight starts to think about how perfect Heart’s Warming is going to be imagining how each and every pony’s gifts are perfect!
Their gifts had been perfect. They were sure of it.
I got you all books!
Typical Twilight.
Well, fuck you all too! What’d you get me, Applejack? Apples?
Yes...
Twilight giggled at the thought of the princesses marveling at the gifts, and was very proud that she and her little dragon had found the perfect presents for supposedly immortal beings… something that they alone in all Equestria knew that the sisters did not own.
Tickets to Saturday Night Live!
However, as she goes down her Heart’s Warming list, she finds out that the only one she didn’t shop for is Spike.
I’ve been waiting to use that one!
So, Twilight starts to panic and rushes around her old home in Canterlot to try to find a quick gift for Spike. However, she accidently wakes Spike up in the process. She realizes that it’s too late to get a gift and that causes her to break down.
Spike asks what’s wrong and Twilight explains what happens begging for forgiveness. Spike explains that he already has the gift he needs.
Like an immature kid…
Actually, Twilight panics and rushes to their parent’s house. Twilight pulls her mother aside to ask what to do. The future ruler of Equestria fillies and gentlecolts!
Oh, go jump off a building! Unless, you’re a Pegasus than that wouldn’t really bother you, would it? Just go away!
Twilight then overhears… Spike and her father talking about Hoofball players?
… I’ve got nothing on this one. So… yeah…
Also, one thing I’ve noticed is the sudden changing of point of views without any real way of distinguishing it. It just goes from Twilight’s point of view to the parents and back to Twilight. I know its third person and it probably shouldn’t bother me, but it just does and is really confusing.
Twilight and Spike rush off after bidding their parents farewell and rush off to talk to Shining and Cadance.
We get a cute scene from Cadance and Shining… I’m not adding to the jar, they’re married!
“Babe,” he said with a small laugh, “if you don’t stop wiggling like that, then we’re going to have another guest in this bed, one who’ll need a nice warm place to spend the night.”
Why does this create uncomfortable foreshadowing? Like there is something on the horizon that I may have to review that is captured in this sentence perfectly? Like the universe is somehow making these stories connect in a way that will remind me of the story that I have done and will most likely be forced to do in the future?
…
…
…
I’m sure it’s nothing.
So before the events of the last story I reviewed can be written, Twilight and Spike burst in. Now, Spike I want you to pay close attention. There will be a test afterwards.
Twilight drags Shining out of the room to ask him about what to do about Spike’s gift. However, Shining only says the same thing their mother did. Twilight, not sure what to do, breaks down. Shining suggests that Twilight tell him the truth and that Spike will understand.
They march back up to the room and…
“Dude,” he said, hovering his face over the little dragon, pretending to be incensed by what he discovered there, “love ya’ like a bro, but get up out of my bed and away from my mare.”
With a little kid… Wow, story. Just wow
Twilight and Spike head home, with Twilight pacing back and forth as to what to do for Spike. And Spike is just buying that Twilight is acting weird for no apparent reason. Though to be fair, if MLP fan fictions have taught me anything, Spike is actually not that smart.
Computer! This is an emergency! Get me… MY VIOLIN!
Twilight even gets so desperate for a gift for Spike, that she actually considers breaking the universe in order to get a gift for him! Oh, yeah, demons gnawing at your friends after burning all of Equestria to the ground is totally cool! But Spike not having a gift for Heart’s Warming? That’s simply too much!
Spike hears a spring sound and says it’s the sound of Twilight snapping… I guess Pinkie Pie’s mental breakdown twitches make a sound that all the other characters can hear and is contagious… I think I just got stupider after that sentence…
Anyway, Spike manages to calm her down and finally asks Twilight what happened.
So, Twilight takes Spike downstairs and allows him to see all the gifts he has and all the ponies who gave them to him. Except he doesn’t see Twilight’s.
That’s okay, Spike. She would have just given you a book anyway.
Twilight finally confesses to him, as she thinks about all the ways she let him down after all he had done for her.
And then Spike murdered Twilight Sparkle.
Oh, I kid! Spike actually gives Twilight her gift early and it turns out to be a memoir of everything they’ve been through together, represented by various items. Spike explains that while he was in the nursery there was no pony who he felt a closer relationship to than Twilight and that he would always feel sad when she was away.
Twilight still thinks that they should have something for him and Spike suggest that, for tonight, they could pretend like they were children and just cuddle next to the fire.
And our story ends with them realizing that their gifts come from one another and I get to make one more perverted thought before it all ends, even though it’s not even close to what the story intended.
Anyway,
This story is good.
It’s written very well, it’s a cute little story and does help capture the spirit of the Heart’s Warming season.
I can’t really say too much about it except that I always enjoy seeing the relationship between Twilight Sparkle and Spike. Spike is a really underrated character and honestly deserves to be part of more stories. And not just for a quick joke either, but really a character that can stand on his own. He actually does have a likable personality and is loyal to the end and will do anything to aid his friends.
But he’s far from perfect too. He’s a well-balanced character that honestly tries hard.
Honestly, I always enjoy these Spike and Twilight relationship building stories. It always makes me smile to see them interact in a very mature and very loving manner that respects both of the characters.
While this isn’t the most groundbreaking story I’ve ever read since it follows the “I forgot to get you a gift” cliché, it’s still a sweet little story that will affect your feels.
Have a good day guys.
***
“Mr. Lightning, you are not helping yourself by being silent,” Charming stated. Lightning glanced up from the steel chair he sat in, his eyes catching Charming’s. Charming stood up from the chair, wandering to the wall and giving a sigh. “What does the Grand Ruler want?”
Lightning’s eyes turned to the ground, avoiding any direction contact with Charming. However, his mind was a whirlwind of confusion. If Equestria wanted information, why not torture me to get it? The thought had crossed his mind several times in his imprisonment. However, despite himself mentally and physically preparing for Equestria’s worst, he was constantly denied.
Instead, he was given a treatment that a criminal would receive. He was no criminal, thug, or common ruffian. He was a solider. He would die before he would break.
“The Grand Ruler would not go after a simple librarian without a solid reason, would he?” Charming asked. He made his way to the center of the table, staring Lightning down. “The librarian has something that interests your ruler.” He simply shrugged. “If you do not talk, the others might.”
Lightning kept his composure, but inside, his eyes widened. He imagined himself opening his mouth to ask for another who would attack the Critique. The one he failed to defeat. The one he cursed each night as the Princess of the Night rose the moon, just like his Grand Ruler did with the sun and moon.
He played the battle in his mind again and again, hoping to find a weakness in his opponent. However, he didn’t seem to have any. His powers were nothing. He had no magic, no skills in combat, no training. He was a simple librarian with a temper. And yet, Lightning, the Grand Ruler’s apprentice, the wielder of the Uniforce, could not conquer him.
The truth was, or at least the conclusion he had come to, the librarian had gotten lucky. Used a cheap trick to win their fight. Collapsing the entire building onto him.
As for the other, he could understand others being sent to deal with the Critique. However, his mind swirled in anger at Charming’s words. The others. Meaning more than one other had been sent by the Grand Ruler to deal with the Critique. And they had failed.
Lightning remained in his chair, sitting still.
Another a few minutes, Charming ordered Lightning back to his cell, escorted under heavy guard, as usual. With the Uniforce at his side, Lightning could have easily overpowered their simple unicorn magic, but with the suppressor ring locked tightly on his head, specifically designed to disrupt the flow of magic from and to his horn, he was as normal as the librarian.
The guards took him to his small cell. A small mattress to his left and a toilet to his right. No mirrors, no sink, only a tiny window with metallic bars across it.
The moonlight looked down upon him. He glared at it with a growl. It was not his moon. It was the moon of his enemy. A moon that he was forced to look upon every night since his arrest.
He kept believing that his Grand Ruler would come to his aid, but that seemed impossible now. He sat upon his bed, staring blankly at the ground. He shook his head, thinking about his beloved Starla that awaited him back home. Starla was strong, beautiful and yet, so fragile. She would no doubt be devastated of his capture.
Then there was Thunder Ice. The stallion had no respect for anypony but himself. Not even the Grand Ruler could earn his admiration. No. Thunder Ice seemed content with making sure every pony was ‘taken care of’ as he put it. How he hated Thunder. Why the Grand Ruler insisted on keeping the Pegasus, he did not know. He had great power to be certain, but he abused it and often treated mares as nothing less than objects.
There was no love for him. Only sex. Only his lustful temptations. Maybe the Grand Ruler could see something within him that Lightning could not. But such disrespect that is rewarded with a high rank would have never flown with him. He had once accused his Grand Ruler of favoring Thunder, but the Grand Ruler had explained that everypony was important and that he was simply to believe in him.
Lightning, while not happy with it, accepted it.
Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a clang from the cage door. A stallion stood at the doorway with a steel tray. Despite the stallion having a horn on his head, he was carrying the tray with his hooves. The stallion was keeping eye contact with Lightning the entire time. Lightning couldn’t help but find it mildly disturbing. It was as if the stallion was expecting him to say something. Something that, Lightning, wasn’t able to say.
When a response had not been given, he slipped the tray through the bars, never breaking eye contact with Lightning. Placing the tray on the ground, he nodded. Without a word, he picked himself up and trotted away.
Lightning looked down at the tray. A steak, some green beans, and mashed potatoes. However, there was a slip of folded paper on top of the potatoes. Lightning reached over to the tray taking the paper from its resting place. Opening it up, he saw a brief message.
”This prison is full of mindless duds. Here’s to hoping you enjoy the spuds.”
Only one pony came to mind as he read the passage. Rhymey? Suddenly, it became clear. The stallion was Rhymey. A million questions flowed into his head. How did Rhymey infiltrate Equestria? How did the Grand Ruler accomplish this? Were there others in Equestria like him?
He reached to his potatoes, figuring out Rhymey’s decoded message. As he touched the potatoes, they felt rock hard. No. Something within them, covered up by the potatoes was solid. He brushed away the potatoes and underneath, revealed a white stone. He recognized it instantly. A stone that would allow him to contact the Grand Ruler without magic and without Equestria know. He knew his Grand Ruler had not abandoned him. He smiled, hiding away the stone and enjoying his meal.
"Our Gifts"- seems innocent enough
A fine example of Redundancy at its finest.
Eh, it's easy to spot innuendos in everything once you've been on the internet long enough.
Well, it's not like she could have gotten anything for her parents...
So... when exactly does this story take place in Twilight's life? I mean, Twilight sounds younger than she is in canon, but then it makes a reference to "princesses"... unless it was written after Cadance was introduced.
Ah, rapid shifting of POV. We meet again...
Sequel hooks?
But Twilight acts weird all the time. Case in point:
Good to see a good story. despite it's flaws it does seem to be a fun little story. I think I'll check it out once my schedule clears up.
Oh dear, it appears Lightning is coming back for more... this won't end well
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I'll be honest with you. I have nothing against Spike, but while I was writing that story that asks all the right questions, I actually forgot he was supposed to be in a scene. And that's why we never see Spike ever again in that series. At least until I write a fic about him hooking up with Trixie or something.
I still don't understand why people didn't like Iron Man 2, I thought it was good.
I look forward to more!
Good review, but one question:
What is this referring to?! Mind you, I haven't had the pleasure of reading ALL your reviews, but still. Also, you son of a bitch! You interrupted Michal Buble! You'll burn in Hell for this!
2631371 I think it's just commenting on Twilight being willing to destroy the world just to get one last
ChristmasHearth's Warming gift (which is a tad OOC)The only thing I feel the need to point out is that you mention Spike and Twilight "going home." The entirety of the story takes place in Twilight's childhood home, her parent's house... they've gone back to Canterlot for Hearth's Warming and the whole family is together. Twilight "deciding" that Spike is too big for his basket is because it's his crib, as mentioned in the piece, from when she was a foal and he was a hatchling, not his actual basket in (or, used to be in) the library.
Other than that, I'm sorry about the other issues. This story was written well before I had anyone who would edit/proofread for me. I guess that the only thing I can say is that I appreciate the honest review and that you have a filthy mind.
2631229
Referring to the story I reviewed last week. It's just eerie how that all came together.
You didn't think that Lightning would go down that easily, did you? Also, the Grand Ruler has some more schemes for Equestria and our 'beloved' raging idiot.
It wouldn't be the first time he'd been asked to burn in hell. And the way I keep writing him, it won't be the last.
Granted I could have referenced something much better that I've reviewed, but my mind wasn't completely on empty by the time of this review.
I think it's because Spike is played up in the show as a comical character who doesn't really do anything.
Yeah, that's all my fault. I apologize for not catching that. I knew they were in Canterlot, but I guess I didn't make the connection. Again, I apologize.
I'm glad you enjoyed the review. It's always nice to see someone taking my
brutalhonesty well and with maturity. I'm always afraid that I'll have to deal with that one person who won't accept criticism. Also, it doesn't help that by doing it as a rage review with as much profanity as normal, I paint a huge target on my head.Anyway, glad you enjoyed it and I honestly hope to read more from you in the future.
I'm liking the grand Ruler, and can't wait to see what the MY Little Unicorn cast is going to get up to!
...I actually just typed that. Without irony.
2634021 The Grand Ruler having a fan that hasn't been brainwashed?
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I'm glad you are enjoying it. I'm trying to give each of the characters in the story something while still trying to maintain who they are in the original story. Basically, I'm trying to make them fun. Because if I am having fun with the characters who aren't boring, cliche slates, hopefully others will to.