Mykanuary: Brother of the CORPSE BRIDE · 4:57pm Jan 14th, 2015
Hello, everypony! I am the Critique!
And welcome to another day in the month of MYKANUARY!
Last week, we covered a highly controversial subject with one of the more famous franchises that Mykan has been a part of. This week… is not going to be one of them.
When it comes to Mykan, there are certain franchises that he has had the most involvement in. 4 in particular. Digimon, Teen Titans, 6teen and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. As you all know I did Digimon last week, Teen Titans I’ll focus on next week and… what was the last one I knew? Oh, well, I’m sure it’s not important.
But seriously, I’m deciding not to do 6teen for one simple reason. I never watched the show. I just didn’t have any interested in it. I knew what it was, I’d seen advertisements for it, but I was in high school at the time, so I didn’t have the attention span for it. I’m sure it was good, with the little research I have done on the show suggesting that IMDB gave it a 7.3 while TV.com gave it a 8.0, and Wikipedia mentioning that the show was critically acclaimed.
If I did end up doing a review for it, it would just be of a typical reviewer and not of one who is a fan or one who has seen the show.
However, here’s what I was able to gather from the brief skims of the work. The story is now called 7teen with the characters, I guess, slightly older and now Mykan is an added character in the group as a self-insert. I’ve repeatedly stated that I don’t have issues with self-inserts in stories. I’m under the belief that any story can work with the right story teller. I’m sure you’re all sick of me saying that by now, especially if you’ve been following me since the beginning, but it’s what I believe in.
However, I’m sure it carries Mykan’s standard idiocy in these stories. You know, he’s worshiped and made super-special-awesome for no reason. He solves everybody’s problems with things he clearly doesn’t understand. All the great female characters in the show suffer the wrath of him and are demeaned as a result.
Again, I’m just making an assumption based on what his other works have presented in the past. It could be really good. Although I doubt it.
Anyway, let’s talk about the movie we are going to be reviewing today. Corpse Bride.
Before I start the review of the fan fic, I want to give you my take on this movie really fast. I found it rather enjoyable. It wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen, but it still had a lot of creativity. Some of the character designs for the human characters were pretty inventive and creative. The plot was pretty interesting with a living man practicing his vows in the woods that accidently weds himself to a zombie. … Would that be considered necrophilia?
Anyway, he says it’s all a big misunderstanding and that he has to get back to the woman he loves. (That he just met that day, but hey if Disney is taught us anything “Love is an Open Door”.)
Again, going back to the art, not only the characters were rather interesting, but the two worlds of the living and the dead were pretty inventive and rather distinct. In the world of the dead, it was very grim, but also very lively with a lot more variety of colors than the human world. The human world was very grey, very black, and very gloomy almost like a dark black and white movie. It’s actually kind of a cool artistic choice.
Which brings me to a rather interesting complaint I have about the movie and its artistic choice, the two leading ladies. Emily, the corpse bride and Victoria, the girl our protagonist loves. I can’t think of more polar opposites in artistic choices than these two characters. Emily has a very expressive face, giving a lot emotions throughout the story. Victoria, on the other hand, always looks like a lifeless doll. Her face hardly ever changes throughout the course of the story except one or two moments.
It’s strange because I never got that vibe from any of the other human characters on the screen. I just got it from Victoria. And in that sense it, ironically, makes Emily’s expressions look more alive.
Maybe this was done intentionally, but I don’t think it was a good choice.
The characters aren’t really that big of an issue, with the exception of our main character, Victor. He just didn’t seem to stand out that much to me. Maybe that’s just me, but there didn’t seem to be much to him as far as his character.
I found myself more interested in Victoria and Emily. Now we just need a scene where those two are making out.
Wouldn’t that have been a fucking twist? Would that still count as necrophilia?
The songs are pretty forgettable however. I never really enjoyed the music for this. Which is sad, because the music was written by one of my harmonic heroes, Danny Elfman. He did a lot of music that I grew up with, the Simpsons theme, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, the Nightmare Before Christmas, and there was one other based on a superhero that really stands out…
No, not him. Although he did do the score for the movies. There was one other superhero though… back in the late 80’s.
Meh… I’m sure it’s not important.
So, overall, while there were things to enjoy about the movie, it wasn’t a one of my favorites. So, where does Mykan fit into this? Well, it turns out Mykan enjoyed this movie, however, he didn’t like the ending that much.
And here’s the part where I spoil it for you all, if you haven’t seen the movie and you would like to, this fic is going to contain lots of spoilers, so I suggests you back out now. For the rest of you,
In the movie, the Corpse Bride, Emily, has convinced Victor to marry him after they discover that Victoria had married another. However, unbeknownst to them at the time, Victoria was being forced to marry a man she didn’t love to save her family from being bankrupt. However, after Emily discovers this and Victoria is able to part with her husband, Emily gives up pursuit of Victor, admitting that she loves him. She refuses to deny Victoria and Victor their happy ending, despite her not receiving her own. So she lets them go.
This was a very noble sacrifice on her part. Showing how strong her character was by giving up the thing she wanted most so that someone else can be happy. And in the end, I thought it was a rather touching moment.
Now, whether you agree with the ending or not, is your choice. We are not here to debate which ending is better. We are here to look at Mykan’s attempt to fixing the ending of this movie. So, let’s dig into Brother of the CORPSE BRIDE by Dakari King Mykan and see why this story should have remained downstairs.
Hello there…. My name is Mykan,
Shit, he’s stealing my thing!
I am a Corpse.
I know I’m going to be when this is all said and done.
That's right, if I am a Corpse, then I am indeed dead.
Yes, I must explain the definition of a corpse so that I can insult my readers instead of challenging them.
I’d use a facepalm gif here, but frankly it’s still the first fucking paragraph and any one that I would use, I’d use it far too early.
I've been dead for nearly 20 years now, and I live in the World of After-life.
Before that I lived in Canada.
Among all the corpse's and Skeletons down here, only one has ever been familiar to me.
Mostly because no one wants to be associated with me. They say I sing songs about how lonely I am and that pisses my friends off for some reason.
Emily! Our Corpse Bride as she's known to us as. How do I know her so well and how does she know me?
I don’t know. You guys haven’t exactly interacted since the story started!
Well; this may come as a bit of a shock to you
Trust me, with the shit I’ve read, you couldn’t shock me with your best surprise.
but, She happens to be my Sister; my Twin-sister to be exact.
She doesn’t mention me too often and by too often I mean, she doesn’t mention me at all, as if I was something of a disgrace to her.
So, the Mykan corpse explains how he died. Oh, wait, this is a Mykan story, he can’t explain how he died without ripping off a song from the movie.
I won’t bore you guys with the song itself like I did last week, YOU’RE WELCOME, and instead will give you the cliff notes version, apparently the character of Mykan used to make dresses for all the women around… Odd profession.
However, it turns out the Mayor didn’t like the dress he made. Hang on for a second, stopping the backstory. Why? … It’s a simple question. Why did the mayor not like the dresses? … It’s a simple question, story, but necessary to understand the motives of the villain. … Anything? … No? Huff… Alright, carry on.
So, after the Mayor decides that he doesn’t like the dress and won’t pay the Mykan character for any of them. You know, this is going to get confusing to refer both the character and the author as Mykan, so from now on the character in the story is ‘Tim’.
Tim then decides to be a dick and never make another dress again. Is this supposed to be a parody of his own life? The one where he wanted to be a voice actor/singer, but decided that it was impossible, so he gave up on it?
Nah, I’m sure it’s just coincidence.
So, the mayor burns down his home and throws him into the ocean. Oh, good. A mayor with blood on his hands. And Tim vows to return from the grave and take revenge against the mayor.
He never takes revenge on the mayor in this story… Yeah, so this whole backstory has been pretty fucking pointless.
And then the story summarizes the song with two paragraphs.
Yes, that's how I ended up here. The mayor didn't approve of my refusing to make anymore dresses for such little pay.
So, He burned all the dresses I made, destroyed my castle, and worse than that, he tossed me off the cliffs and I died.
Well, I’m glad that doesn’t make this song completely and utterly pointless! Oh, wait! IT FUCKING DOES!
Seriously! You don’t need to explain something that you already explained in the song! Why even have a song if you were just going to tell us anyway!? It’s like if Beauty and the Beast had their big song about them and then they decided to tell you what the song was supposed to accomplish instead of letting the lyrics and the visuals do the work!
Tim then decides to go on about his backstory.
Not that I had much to live for in any case.
Oh, good. I finally have a use for this joke. My dad said those violin lessons would come in handy. Computer, the extra instruments, please.
Of course, sir.
I lived alone, in my castle all alone.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, Mykan really likes to be monotonous in his writing.
No family, no friends. Mother and Father died in a car accident, but made it to heaven.
Wait… A car accident? … Um… Nah, I’ll come back to that.
My sister Emily had moved away to another town. We separated as Living souls, and we never saw each other again.
So, after hearing his sally sob story, we finally discover that Victor, the main protagonist of the story, did indeed marry the Corpse Bride, Emily.
We then discover that Tim lives in a dark castle at the top of an old hill away from everybody else and is pretty much a recluse in death as he was life. Well, can’t say it isn’t consistent.
The only time he pretty much goes into town is to get compliments on his work.
Well, I had to go, there was a wedding taking place down in the town and I was to be there for compliments on making the bride's gown.
Sounds like most people on FIMFiction.
You know, if Mykan’s ego was a living being , why do I picture it being the cat of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget? It would certainly explain a whole lot.
I had died when I was only 25; I had never even met any women for they all just want me to make them a dress… that was it.
Never referring to me for help, never relying on me to be there when they needed it, just using me, and casting me aside like an old glove.
Because women are completely shallow, selfish and only care about themselves! That’s women for you!
Yeah, I think I covered the sexism bit last week, so I don’t need to repeat myself.
And finally, Tim expresses his jealousy of Emily because ‘she got a happy ending’ and ‘I didn’t get a happy ending’.
Clearly, my violin joke was used FAR TOO EARLY!
So, the wedding starts for the Corpse Bride and her new groom. Oh, god, is this going to be like a WEDDING STORY where the wedding won’t take place for another seven chapters?! It’s too soon for that! I can’t go through that again?!
Fortunately not, the wedding is actually skimmed over. I guess when he’s not the groom of it, it’s not important. He heads home and his sister and brother-in-law try to cheer him up, but apparently, Tim is not in the mood. So what does he do? Why, he sings about it.
-Yet year after year, it's the same routine
And I grow so weary for no one cares much for me
And I, Mykan, the Dress making King
Have grown so tired of the same old thing.
Maybe we were all wrong the whole time. Maybe King Mykan wasn’t supposed to be for a Dakari at all. Maybe it was supposed to be his secret dream of dress making. Well, at least then, he would be doing something positive for others. As long as he doesn’t make something like this!
-But who here would ever understand
That the Dress making King with a Corpse-like grin
Would tire of his crown, if they only understood
He'd give it all up if he only could
The problem is his head won’t let him. It’s swelled up so large the crown has actually embedded itself in his flesh.
Emily held her chest in pity, “Mykan, I know how you feel!” she said to herself.
You know in the Nightmare Before Christmas, which most of these songs are based off of, the girl who says that line falls for the character who sings the song. Which in this case would be her brother… Oh, great. Not only do we have necrophilia, but we have incest too. If you’ll excuse me…
We then get a song that wonders what is up with Tim. I like this song more than the others because it mirrors exactly what I am thinking. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH TIM?!
Seriously, you remember how in the Nightmare Before Christmas you know exactly what is up with Jack? Well, this story doesn’t know what its problem is! It just knows that something is up with Tim and it just forgot to tell the story what the fuck it was! God, I guess it could be the love that he’s mentioned of missing, but that’s never made clear! It’s never made clear in the song that that’s what he’s feeling!
And in the story of Nightmare Before Christmas, its Jack telling us how he feels! Here, it’s the townspeople! Yeah, the townspeople who’ve only known him for … a day at most, know that something’s wrong with him! Good fucking god, are you kidding me?!
I’ve lived in Ponyville most of my life and you never see songs in the street asking how I’m feeling!
*Quickly glances out the window, but sees nothing*
Well, it was worth a shot.
My castle was located on top of one of the highest mountains in the land of the Dead, and had an amazing view.
Oh, yeah. It has an amazing view alright. So amazing you can’t even describe it to us! I felt a better connection to Kari’s fucking dress in the last review!
Still, it was kind of awkward, living in a big place alone. Could you even blame me?
Personal choice, my friend. Personal choice.
Also, since we are in the land of the dead, I keep hoping that Davis comes back from the dead and beats the shit out of Tim for stealing his life.
It looked just like the same castle I had lost when I was alive, and it wasn't very pretty either.
Because change isn’t for me. Also, how the fuck do you get a castle on top of a fucking mountain?! You are dead! You don’t exactly get any material possessions like money when you die! You’re fucking dead! And yes, I know the movie had a skeleton with tons of books, but what the fuck makes you so god-damn special, Tim?!
And then we get, oh Christ, another song! Look I know the movie was a musical, but for the love of God, please stop putting in songs into your fanfictions! It’s a little hard to read music in a FAN FICTION that I READ with MY EYES!
Every time a song pops up in this story, I just want to gouge out my eyes, so I don’t have to read what passes for lyrics in this story!
Anyway, Tim gets upset about… I really have no idea what. See if you can make sense of it.
An ice-bag was tied to my head, because I got incredible headaches whenever I was feeling down.
“I of course I understand!” I mumbled to myself, “You would like me to make you these gowns.”
“If you only knew what it's like for me, working hard day and night, hardly ever stopping…”
“THINK NOTHINIG OF IT!!!!”
I’m not cutting anything out! That’s literally how it’s written in the story, guys! This is making the character of Tim look completely crazy. Not an unfounded concern, mind you. I mean, I guess he could be upset about girls taking advantage of him. After all, if Mykan has taught me anything, it’s that women are the spawn of Satan.
But hell, that isn’t made clear in the paragraph, so what the fuck is he upset about?
Maybe he’s figured out what story he’s in and who is writing it. I’d be pretty pissed off too.
I threw my pencil hard at the desk, which knocked a few of my books down from the shelf.
Wait, so he threw the pencil with such force that it actually knocked books off of the shelf and then they hit him in the head? What kind of physics would you have to come up with to do that?! What, did the books on the shelves leap out and attack him? Why does he have his desk so close to a bookshelf that the slightest vibration would send book hurling at his head?
You know, if I spend too much time trying to bring logic to this, I would probably have to declare myself legally insane. I mean… more so than usual.
So, let’s just get back to it.
“Oh…My…head!” I moaned.
I screwed my head back onto my body, walked out into the large foyer, looked down the long trail of stairs, and called out…
“The Door is open!”
Yes, you saw the Nightmare before Christmas! Yes, we know Tim Burton directed both movies! Please, move the fuck on!
Emily and Victor arrive at the door and Tim offers to make them some tea. I’m not sure why they would drink tea considering they’re dead, but since they do drink alcohol in the movie, or at least, I presume it to be alcohol, I’ll let it slide.
Emily and Victor grow concerned about Tim and want to help him. Sounds like every person on earth who has tried to help Mykan and guess what that usual results in: a middle finger from Mykan.
However, Tim is less disrespectful to them and take them upstairs to see what he’s been working on. He shows them several dresses that he’s made, including one for Queen Elizabeth the first.
Which begs the question, why the fuck is he hanging around some dolty, backwater town, when he can make dresses for one of the greatest English monarchs of all time?
“And they got it, but I didn't get so much more as 500 dollars in return. That was hardly even enough to get me through the week.”
Okay, completely ignoring the inaccuracies about currency at the time in England was not fucking dollars, 500 dollars a dress?! And you can’t live a comfortable lifestyle on that?! I don’t even make 500 dollars in two weeks and yet I manage myself pretty fucking well! Oh, what? Your prices couldn’t afford you your big fat mansion that you spend alone. It’s not like you have servants or anything! At least, not from what I can see! What the hell do you spend your money on?! Yeah, I suppose there is supplies and material for the dresses, but come on! 500 dollars a dress and you can’t support yourself on that?!
Maybe the Mayor was right to drown you!
So, he goes on about how he dreamed of creating the world’s greatest wedding dress that his bride would one day wear. Bit weird how the guy who hates weddings constantly writes about them, but I’ll roll with it. And he dreams about making it in magazines… I’m sorry, what?
“Her picture would be the most elegant in all bridal magazines, the dress would be worth millions, and people would say…”
So, let’s play some history, shall we?
Oh, come on! I already did the research! The least you could do is indulge me for a second!
Assuming that Tim did make a dress for Queen Elizabeth the first, that would mean that he was alive from the timeline of 1558 to 1603. Now, the earliest examples of magazines (at least according to Wikipedia) were published in 1663. IN GERMANY!
And even assuming that they somehow got England or France (the story isn’t exactly clear where the setting is. And for that matter, neither is the movie), the magazine was originally a literary and philosophical magazine!
The first general interests magazine was published in 1731 in London. Assuming of course that it was possible to have this happen, he would be over 100 fucking years old! I guess, the dead could be receiving updates on from the land of the living, but wouldn’t Victor be a bit more rotten at that point! And as we’ll see, Victoria is still alive in this story, still young. So, not much time has passed since the ending of the story!
Also, remember his parents that supposedly died in a car accident?! Yeah, the first ‘car accident’ wasn’t until 1869. Okay, it was a steam powered automobile, but I count it! But for all you ‘technical’ types, the first gas powered automobile accident didn’t occur until 1891. So what time period does this story take place?!
The timeline is… ugh, it’s making my brain hurt trying to make sense of it all!
Anyway, Emily and Victor explain that Tim could always go to the land of the living and try to find somebody to love.
SomebodySomebody
Ooh, somebody Somebody
Can anybody find me, somebody to love
See, Mykan? I can inject random songs in places too. That doesn’t mean I should!
Oh, by the way, we get another song from Mykan. This one right after he states he has no interest in finding love, but we need to get this forced story rolling somehow, so he sings about how he wants to find love!
The group decides to go speak to Elder Gutknecht, one of the characters from the movie about traveling to the land of the living. In the movie, he’s done this job before so it’s not beyond belief that he could do it again.
Once Emily told the Elder who I was, he was even more excited than ever. “Ah, yes.” He said to me.
“Mykan, the greatest Wedding gown designer in the world.”
“Correction…” I said, “You mean… Ex-greatest Wedding dress designer in the world.”
Oh, don’t be so modest, Tim. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t seen any of your dresses that tell me of your great work. I’ve only heard you praise yourself with the work you haven’t done!
I’m glad that this character is amazed by how you haven’t done anything in this story yet! I know I am!
So, Elder can’t remember his name tells Tim that he can get him to the human world on the condition that he shows him how to make a marvelous dress for his wife. A wife that we never see in the movie or the story!
So, I guess the story takes a break from its ‘Oh so important’ plot and decides to show Elder guy how to make a dress, so that Tim can feel all powerful. Of course, in a good story, this would actually have some significance, but not here! Nope, definitely not here!
After the song, Elder hands Tim a harp that he can use to travel to the land of the living. If he had this during the movie, why the hell didn’t he give it to Victor and Emily the first time they went?! You know what? I don’t care anymore and I’m only on chapter 4. So let’s keep this moving.
“The Harp's power will be completely drained out 720 hours after you leave here.”
Oh, god, I have 720 hours more of this shit! I have 30 more days of this shit fest to sit through! I’m not going to fucking make it!
Elder also explains that if the Harp is somehow destroyed he will teleport back earlier. Computer, get my rocket launcher, I need to end this story!
We do not have a rocket launcher.
Tell Celestia to give me one, dammit! Tell her it’s a matter of life and death!
But there’s still one problem, his rotting body. Fortunately, Elder has thought this through, after the Corpse Bride, Emily, went through the same damn thing! He gives Tim a pack of gum that he can chew to create artificial flesh to cover his rotting one. Although I’d imagine he’d have trouble hiding the smell.
“However, the gum itself comes with side effects.”
“And they are exactly what?” I asked.
Oh, wait? There are side effects to the gum? Okay, that sounds kind of interesting, sort of a double edge sword here! Okay, let’s hear the side effects!
Elder continued right through the night, explaining to me what to expect on my quest.
I sure hope I was making the right choice. After all, it's not right for the dead to walk amongst the living.
So, what are the side effects?
After a long night of explaining and understanding, I was ready to begin my quest to find happiness.
So, what are the side effects, again?
“Good Luck, Mykan.” said Elder, “We will be keeping an eye on you right here whenever danger occurs.”
WHAT ARE THE FUCKING… you know what? I don’t care anymore.
So, he travels to England, and … hey, you know what? We went only a few paragraphs without a song. Let’s throw in another one. What’s that?... It’s getting repetitive? … You’re sick of the songs? … AND YOU THINK I’M NOT?!
So, after ripping of ‘What’s this?’, one of the best songs on the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, he finds himself at an old log house in the woods and decides to get some rest. Because you know, zombies need that sort of thing.
I think that’s how it plays out in the Walking Dead.
Zombie: Grah! I’m going to eat you! … Yawn, right after a power nap…
Meanwhile, back in the land of the dead, a group of women bang on his door demanding dress. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE BANGING ON HIS DOOR FOR DRESSES?! YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE WHY YOU ARE EVEN THERE!
Emily shoos them away and we move onto our next chapter, with nothing actually accomplished. I’m so glad the majority of this chapter was dedicated to a fucking song!
So, he manages to go into town, where the city asks that every newcomer must get a physical.
Are you fucking kidding me? This is the exact same scene with Unicornicopia, and even that made no sense!
But, uh oh, Tim is a corpse, so he doesn’t have a pulse or working lungs, what’s he going to do? Also, would they make him do a urine test? How would he pass that one? Unless, he did it like in Ghost Dad? Nope, nope. Not going back there again.
Inside the examining room, both the doctor and the nurse got to work on me.
Maybe this is the sex scene we were promised in the last review.
I was a good thing they told me that I didn't have to remove my outfit; I wasn't really to pretty underneath.
Ignoring the easy insult I could have made there, you’re fucking dead! Of course you don’t look pretty!
They take his temperature and…
“One?” the Doctor said.
“One-hundred?” asked the Nurse. “No…Not 100.” said the doctor, “Just one!”
Thank goodness they didn't ask me to explain that. Had they, and what would I tell them.
Wait, what? One? Fucking one? Okay, I’m not expert in corpses here, but I’m pretty sure a cold dead body is warmer than one degree!
Also, they seriously are not going to question it? What the hell kind of physical is this, if no one is going to address the physical abnormalities?!
Doctor: Okay, Mr. Critique, let us check your eyes to make sure your sight is okay.
Critique: Dude! I’ve been shot in the chest! Help me out here!
Doctor: Hmm.. pupils are dilating. That’s good. Very good.
Critique: What do my eyes have to do with the bullet wound IN THE CHEST?!
Doctor: Heart rate is about…220 bpm.
Critique: That’s because… oh… god…
Doctor: Heart rate is going down… Down… and Zero. Well, Mr. Critique, you’re as fit as fiddle.
THINK!
Anyway, the physical goes badly for Tim, but the doctors seem too stupid to question. They’ll give anyone med degrees these days. After all, they do the same with Bachelor’s Degrees.
As Tim waits for the results of his X-rays, (yeah, in fucking 1600’s England, there were fucking X-rays. I’m starting to wonder if Mykan knows how history works) a group of bank robbers from next door break into the doctor’s office and hold the medical staff as hostages. With pistols.
Yeah, based on the research I did, the first guns that could be called pistols arrived in the 15th century. I tried to look for an exact date on when the first pistols were manufactured, but I couldn’t find anything solid. If you guys happen to know, feel free to tell me.
Anyway, back to the story, the police can’t rush in after the robber since they can’t risk the hostages being hurt.
However, Tim attacks the men and the robbers start firing at him. Naturally since he is dead, the bullets do not affect him. However, why they don’t turn the guns back on the doctors and nurses? I have no idea. I guess, they could still be freaking out, since this guy’s is basically face tanking firearms, which would be revolutionary, but still they could just as easily threaten the hostages again, if Tim doesn’t back off.
But whatever, the robbers give themselves up and everyone rejoices at his heroics.
Even the bank owner was so pleased by Tim’s heroics that he offered the money that the criminals stole as a reward. I don’t think that is how banks work!
Tim refuses, however, stating that he doesn’t need money. Of course, he is the King of the Noodle Cart, so yeah; money is kind of pointless to him.
A woman in the crowd, who had been threatened by the villains, takes note of how brave Tim was and manages to find Tim’s golden harp on the ground. Why Tim was carrying it around is hard to say.
I got to say, with the exception of the physical, this is probably the most decent chapter in this story. Well, when compared to the rest of the story at least. There is a bit of conflict here. A good setup for him to be a hero. And even a setup to start a romance. Best of all there was no annoying as hell song to read through. However, any potential story telling is wasted in the next few chapters.
We find ourselves at the Everglot house. In the movie, Victor was forced to be wed to the daughter of the Everglot family. Here, however, in this story, Victor choose Emily over Victoria. Okay. Not a choice I agree with, but hey, to each their own.
In the mansion of the Everglot family, the poor young I had met, was having a little squabble with her parents.
A young? A young what? Thanks for proofreading your own damn story before posting it, asshole!
“Victoria Everglot, how dare you.” snapped the mother. “We distinctly told you never to shop amongst the lower classes!” snapped the father.
In the movie, the father and mother use the child to keep themselves wealthy by having her marry the son of a rich family. In this version, that couldn’t happen, so it’s likely that the family is now living on the street. That’s why the Victoria was getting married to Victor and then later, Lord Barkis to begin with.
So, I guess, somehow, they were able to keep their home and property, despite the fact that they have no money. Well, I guess since she was technically married to Lord Barkis, she does have access to his finances when he died, but that’s not made clear in the story. If this is the answer, it should have been in the story and not by the guy who reviews pieces of shit like this because he needs a hobby!
Anyway, the parents lock Victoria in her room where she laments about Victor in… blow me if you don’t know… ANOTHER FUCKING SONG!
However, Victoria was alone now. Her parents tried enforce her into marriages based on lust.
Didn’t I just get through explaining… You know what? I don’t care! Yes, I know I’ve said that three times now! I forget which story I’m reading sometimes!
Victoria put the harp back down, and was bout to cry herself to sleep, when suddenly, she hear more music…
It was someone was playing Beethoven's “Fur Elise”, coming from the park.
Because there just is a piano in the middle of the park! Don’t question it, damn it!
So, Victoria goes down to see Tim playing on the piano.
She smiled back at me and stepped closer, “That was really beautiful, what you were just playing.” She said to me while sitting down beside me.
“That is very kind of you to say that.” I said, “I hardly ever get compliments anymore.”
Except every time you make a wedding dress and then attend said wedding. Somebodies head is too far up their butthole!
“My name is Mykan.” I said, “Sadly, I do not have any last name though.”
Mostly cause the writer forgot to give me one.
So, Tim tells Victoria that he can’t help her with her problems, but does offer Victoria a chance to listen to why Tim is upset. Well, I’m sure glad this is a relationship where you two are agreed on only caring about YOU!
The two share a song together and they instantly fall in love and Tim promises to be back tomorrow.
I was about to tell her so, when suddenly BIG-BEN (The giant clock) was beginning to chime twelve-midnight.
If you know what Big Ben is, than you must know that it was built in 1858!
God, Frank Millar’s time stamps in All-Star Batman and Robin are easier to follow than this!
Tim’s gum starts to act strangely and he runs off before Victoria (and the audience) can figure out what. I’m pretty sure there is some kind of time limit to how long he can chew it before it starts to wear off. Also, for someone who is speaking with gum in his mouth the entire day, he can form pretty good sentences.
Also, modern day gum was first developed in the 1860’s and before then it was used as an adhesive. But there was also mention of edible or chewing gum before then. Just to add to the confusing timeline. You could do an entire Doctor Who episode about this, where he spends half of it trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.
We then finally get an explanation for the gum that he’s been keeping from us. Not that it builds that much suspense. It would have created more suspense if we knew beforehand.
“Every Wednesday starting at midnight, the gum will lose its power, and you won't be able to hide your Corpse body.”
“For the next twenty-four hours, the other gumballs will not be able to hide you, so do not chew any of them.”
“However, the one you were chewing before cannot be used again, so you should throw it away.”
He returns home thinking about the magic harp that he lost, but ultimately decides NOT to look for it. A power that gives you the ability to teleport anywhere you want and you just leave it hanging. Good thing a character of actually dignity found it, even though YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT!
But whatever, Emily and Victor arrive the next morning to the land of the living. They ask how things have been with his one day thus far, and Tim explains that he met a girl he fell in love with. When he reveals it is Victoria Everglot, Emily and Victor explain what happened between Victoria and the other two.
With this new knowledge, as told by Victor and Emily, Tim is confident that he can help her. Of course, this takes away from Victoria and Tim actually having any chemistry. But fuck chemistry, this is the 1600th century! People marry for love almost never!
So after that backstory, Tim goes to the park, after chewing his gum to get his skin back and teaches Victoria how to play the piano.
Aw, that’s sweet. Makes me almost forget that they have no chemistry whatsoever. Christ, Victor and her had better chemistry and they barely knew each other!
So, apparently, TWO WEEKS PASS!
What? I … just.. uh… gah!
So, anyway… In case you didn’t catch that, two weeks pass and the two start to develop their relationship. Yeah, they have as much chemistry as a paper towel and a fork.
And the piano in the park? Apparently, it’s a prize from the city after he stopped the bank robbers. Translation: I didn’t think about that until AFTER someone complained about it!
Anyway, the two talk about the dream that Victoria wants to achieve by being a great pianist. No, I’m not doing the Animaniacs joke. Mostly because I couldn’t find the clip. So, here’s another joke.
My life in a nutshell.
So after, the LONGEST SONG IN THIS STORY, about following your dreams, Tim rushes off after Big Ben starts to ring. You know, Tim, if the gum wears off every Wednesday morning and Victoria is concerned about you running off. Why not cut the lessons short on Wednesdays?!
One night, Victoria’s parents demand that she dance with an eligible bachelor. Why? There’s no reason for it! The whole reason why Victoria was being forced to marry in the film was because they were going bankrupt! Obviously, they haven’t in this story if they can afford a dance party and invite every eligible bachelor known to man to it, they don’t need the money! They could probably care less what happens to her!
Also, are we seriously not going to address that they saw corpses running around on their daughter’s wedding day? They seem to be taking the whole Walking Dead thing pretty damn well.
The next day, Tim overhears that Victoria’s mother needs a new dress and Tim offers his assistance. The mother is disbelieving of Tim, but Tim assures her that he can accomplish the task.
You have two days to make this a dream gown, or I shall call the police.”
For what?! He hasn’t done anything! For being a good Samaritan?! For offering to help you?! Or is it because he insulted you when you were being a bitch?!
I don’t think that is enough to get arrested!
But whatever, how is Tim going to make this dress? Computer, would you please?
Of course, sir.
Would any of you like to buy a vowel or do you want to solve the puzzle?
So, he makes the dress in TWO HOURS?!
Rarity, would you like to say it?
SHIT! WRONG IMAGE!
Fixing… fixing…
Okay, here’s the right image.
Okay, as long as nobody saw that, I think I’m okay.
Another week passes and
it was Christmas day at last. The snow had settled down. Joyous youth-time was everywhere.
Unlike joyous elder-time which would be next week.
Apparently, Tim stops worrying about the magic harp. Geez, I’m sure glad that important plot point was brought into the story then. He instead chooses to focus his time on Victoria. The night of the ball happens and Tim gets fancied up thanks to the dressmaker he helped when he refined the dress earlier.
He arrives at the ball and witness Victoria in her ‘lavish’ dress. Not that we get much detail on that, since Kari’s was more defined. However, when he arrives at the ball to take Victoria away so they can be alone, the music stops.
I asked what was going on, and was told that the string playing musicians were off on their break, and the pianist was running late.
Because strings can’t play soft slow songs that you can dance passionately too! I think I’ve used my sarcasm limit for this review, so I’ll just say, YES, THEY CAN, YOU IDIOT!
What, I’ve used my caps limit too?! So, I guess I’ll have to settle for hand puppets for the rest of the review. Makes about as much sense as the story does.
Tim goes up to Victoria and tells her to play something. Victoria, however, is too nervous about it.
I said, “Do you why I started teaching you how to play the piano?”
To get into her pants?
“It's because this is your dream! You told me that you've always wanted to be a fine pianist, well now's your chance…”
It’s still on the pants thing, right?
“Take it, and Take it now. Otherwise, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life.”
Mykan is talking to people about accomplishing their dream. Hm… There seems to be some irony here. I’m sure it’s just me though. So, Tim goes up on the stage and makes an announcement.
“You don't me my good sir, none of you really do.” I said,
Nor would I ever!
During the course of her song, Tim finally admits that he’s in love with her. They find themselves under a cliché and they have a romantic kiss.
*Sniff*
Did you just sniffle?
No… No, I am fine.
You are one crackpot robot.
So, the ball comes to a close and Victoria is forced to pick the man she will marry. It, of course, is Tim! What a fucking surprise that was.
But, uh oh, it turns out that Victoria’s parents don’t like Tim. … Not actually all that surprising. Not because Tim is a bad character, don’t get me wrong he is. But Victoria’s parents are pretty much assholes in the movie, so it’s not that big of a surprise. Why is it that the assholes are captured better than the good people in this story?!
The clock starts to chime when Victoria tries to convince her parents that she loves Tim.
“No mother, let me go, LET ME GO!!!” cried Victoria.
Let me go! Let me go! Let me marry this asshole!
Let me go! Let me go! I’ll make his life complete!
His artificial flesh runs out and Victoria’s parents accidently rip off one of his arms. Tim is revealed to be an undead, with the doctor who took the X-Rays
Arriving just in time with the results of the test, proving that he is undead. How the hell did he know where Tim would be?
The entire town goes berserk and attacks Tim. And what does Tim do with Victoria?
Kidnap her so that she can be in grave danger with the people who are trying to kill you. Makes more sense than Twilight drinking a psycho potion without testing it first!
So, they manage to get away and Tim explains what has happened. Victoria takes the necrophilia thing pretty damn well. I guess it would make sense, but she wouldn’t be pissed off about him lying to her? I mean, I understand why he did, but even a little upset?
However, the parents finally catch up to them.
“Step away from my Daughter, You filthy Corpse!” bellowed her father. “Either you do it now, or we shall call the police.” added her mother.
Pfft, ha, ha, ha! What is up with this lady and calling the police? What exactly would you say to them?
Critique: Sir, a zombie has been dating our daughter for several weeks and has kidnapped her so he and she can pork.
Cop: Ung, this is just like that one lady who goes on about her boyfriend is a vampire and that she secretly has feelings for a werewolf. Come back when you have a real crime.
They use the magic harp, which I guess Victoria just keeps up her ass, as the two escape their parents and go to the cabin in the woods.
Tim, being a fucking genius, gives Victoria the piece of gum that gives him his artificial flesh. Well, what could possibly go wrong?
I Say, what's that there on your arm?” I said pointing to her right arm. The moment she looked at it, she screamed out of fear.
Her arm had changed into a skeleton, and her left arm was turning pale. “Quickly, spit the gum out!” I told her.
Oh, maybe it has something to do with what the elder told you before you went to the land of the living.
If somebody who was dead chews the gum, their dead body would become flesh again.
If somebody alive were to chew it, the gum would begin to kill them at once.
Good god, Tim is as dumb as a sack of rocks! Are you seriously telling me you just figured out what that meant now?! A five year old could have figured it out quicker!
You almost kill your girlfriend and she’s been your girlfriend for less than 30 minutes. God, even Edward is…
Oh, wait already used a Twilight joke. Never mind.
So, they make a vow to get wed and of course, we have another song to pass the time by!
The parents and villagers arrive at the cabin and try to attack him. However, Tim pulls the classic, cliché and always revolting, ‘I’m Batman’ speech and scares everyone away. Except that, you suck as Batman, Tim!
Don’t worry, if I know my Castlevania, there should be a Belmont around 1600’s. Let’s see…
Damn it, the closest Belmont to this date is Christopher Belmont in 1591. The next Belmont doesn’t appear for 100 years! … You win this round, Tim. Though I guess if the story doesn’t care about the timeline and history, why the fuck should I?
So, Tim shoves the piece of gum down Victoria’s throat and they vanish to the world of the undead, without killing anyone. Well, that’s not fun at all. When I see dead people rise from the grave, I expect people to die!
Mr. and Mrs. Everglot were arrested… Wait, why? Why are they arrested? They haven’t done anything!
That was their price to pay for their crimes fool-hearty revenge, and first degree murder.
Revenge? What? And murder? What murder? They didn’t kill anyone! If anything, you’re the murder! Coercing a young girl to kill herself for you! Jonestown anyone?
Just another thing in the long list of things that Mykan doesn’t actually understand!
Meanwhile, in the town of the dead, people are panicking because Tim isn’t around to make dresses for them.
… Let me repeat that… People, that is the citizens of the town of the dead… are panicking, that is they are freaking out, losing their minds … because Tim, that’s the Mary Sue… isn’t around… he’s gone. Is nowhere to be found… to make dresses… a piece of clothing typically worn by females… for them… the stupid pricks of the fucking town.
I fucking hate this story.
So, Tim returns to the world of the dead with Victoria. He calls a town meeting, which I guess everyone is okay with.
Critique: Yes, Mr. Grand Ruler, I mean, Davis, I mean, Copycat, I mean, Tim, we’ll just follow you off of this cliff that you want us to jump off of! Can I get a jetpack too? No? Alright then, I’ll just jump off and hope I survive!
So, the town shows their approval of Tim and Victoria and they have to get another song in. Sure, why not?
For some reason the story decides it needs to keep going, but I’m going to spare you all because it’s just a stupid excuse to make Victoria sacrifice everything in the living world for him, even though she’s already done that!
He makes his wedding dress he’s always wanted to make, they get married, there’s a couple more pointless songs, I’m out of alcohol and frankly out of jokes! So, I’m burying this thing once and for all! … No pun intended.
Where did this story come from?
I’m serious, where did this story come from? I know he didn’t like the ending to Corpse Bride, but in this story, the focus isn’t on the different ending with Victor choosing Emily in the end and how that would have been different.
It’s Mykan’s Mary Sue stand in that wants to get into another characters pants. And frankly, I’ve seen that a thousand times in MLP fan fiction. Which honestly, doesn’t do it that well either. But just because it’s just as bad, doesn’t make it good!
The story is a mess! The history is bullshit! The romance is beyond rushed! The dialogue is cheap! And it makes no god damn sense!
This could have been a “What if…” story about choosing the other road that Victor had in front of him. But no, that part of the story is never touched up on. In fact, it’s forgotten about as soon as it appears.
While I say it is better than a WEDDING STORY from last week, the story still sucks at capturing the romance and depth of some of these characters. Granted, there wasn’t much to Victoria, but there could have been at least something.
All the good ideas are pushed aside for something else and frankly that ends up hurting it in the end.
Not the worst Mykan story I’ve ever read, but still really bad.
But, I’ll tell you, I am done with this shitty ass story and I’m glad to have been. Have a great day, guys. If you’ll excuse me, I have to stock up on alcohol for next week.
God damn it, why can't Mykan write about thing's I've watched?! Oh right, because then we'd get My Little Unicorn.
I didn't know you lived in Ferguson!
Um, bullcrap! I haven't seen the movie, but even I know it's set in either the early or mid 1800's, LONG BEFORE CARS WERE THAT COMMON!
And that's the reason why I have running gags.
stream1.gifsoup.com/view5/2492716/patrick-smashing-computer-o.gif
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU DO NOT GET TO RIP-OFF THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME FOR YOUR SH*TTY LITTLE SELF INSERT SHIPFIC! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
YOU'RE SIBLINGS! YOU SICK BASTARD!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN GET THE RIGHT MOVIE TO RIP-OFF, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE INCEST?!?!?! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRN!!!!!!!!
I know I already used that joke last time, but it bears repeating! WHO CONSTANTLY YELLS FOR NO REASON?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other words, Mykan: YOU FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She isn't generous enough to not send her sister to the moon for arguing with her, why do you think she'd grant you death? Well, here, have my shotgun.
I take that back, you're racist against dead people!
Oh God, I'm getting Marville flashbacks!
*Chose
*All Star Crazy Steve: Agent of NAMBLA
Why?! Why would you call the police on someone who hasn't broken the law, hasn't harmed you in anyway, and is actually HELPING YOU??!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
Oh, so THIS is the porn you watch.
This is the second time I've seen you reference this. What story is it from?
s.mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/img-839604-1-3552id.jpg
My guess is misuse of emergency services.
Anyways, great review!
Would've commented earlier, but I was travelling.
Anyway, Mykanuary!
From the title of this fic alone I know this is going to be painful...
Only if he goes through with it.
And again, only if she goes through with it.
*Flat Joy* yay.
And this is Jackass.
Joking aside, is there a more obvious way to say "Hi, I'm a self insert! Bend over while I rape your canon!"? Because I can't think of one.
We wish.
Also, isn't After-Life the name of a bar in Mass Effect? Or is it the name of a bar in something? I don't know, but the name sounds familiar.
Further proof that Mykan is actually Kim Jong-Il in hiding.
I said that My Little Pony sucks at Everfree Northwest.
The way you summed up his backstory made me thing of one thing:
...
Wait, doesn't Corpse Bride take place in the 19th century or sometime around then? THEY DIDN'T HAVE CARS THEN!!!
Thanks for telling us that, Mykan, instead of, you know, SHOWING US!!!
How Mykan goes through life, when you think about it; he only ever shows up when people sing his praises, and to browbeat you when you disagree.
Instead of burning you at the sake like the Chaos-worshipping heretic you are. You should be thanking them.
Mykan's sexism continues. Makes me wonder about 7teen, really.
Not enough to make me go read it, mind you; I'm not stupid.
I think this is better than having to read some third rate Nightmare Before Christmas knockoff. Mykan only wishes he had Tony Jay's voice.
I'll warm up the cyclonic torpedoes. Let's Exterminatus this bitch!
Not much to look at, considering everything was, y'know, DEAD.
Dude, you live in a palace and you're apparently really successful in the dress making business. Go get some drugs and hookers and party it up (It's not like that'll hurt you, since you are already dead)
Actually, Burton didn't direct Nightmare; Henry Selick did.
Who I guess is also there in the land of the dead, considering she's, y'know, DEAD!
I've seen episodes of Doctor Who that have more understandable timelines.
They should rename Canon Rape "Mykanization"
I'll bring a Star Destroyer. Maybe we can get him on the rebound and end this really quickly!
...
*eye twitch*
Granted, chewing gum wasn't unheard of during that time period (originally, it was chewing the sap from gum trees), but packaged gum doesn't seem era accurate (I could be wrong, though).
Also... did Mykan just rip off My Favorite Martian?
Dresses
Just because they're dead doesn't mean they have to be slobs.
...
...
Nuke it. From orbit.
*Bad porn music starts up*
Space is warped and time is bendable
Also wouldn't have mattered, since most firearms of the day were single shot blackpowder weapons (which were also prone to misfiring), but since this is Mykanized history they probably have Glocks or .45 automatics.
FUCK! IT'S MARVILLE!
The Dark Young, obviously. Because this fic is so bad is could summon Shub-Niggurath and Nyarlathotep.
Really? Every piano student and their grandmother knows that one. Why don't you choose something more... lively?
I don't care if there's little to no piano, and that it's jazz instead of classical, I WANT TO SEE THIS PERFORMED LIVE!!!
*In stereotypical nerd voice*: Do you wanna read my fanfictions?
I'm trying very hard not to feel smug and superior towards Mykan concerning his ability to write relationships... Eh, I failed.
Tim's problem is that he's not trying hard. Hard. Like Batman's abs! Because Frank Miller isn't gay for Batman!
Thanks for the clarification
1600th? wouldn't that be the future?
I HATE SWEET! I NEED PHOTOS! PHOTOS OF SPIDER-MAN!
For what it's worth, I had a nine year timeskip once... and a several million year time skip another time...
And that photoshop of Computer is really cute.
Not even using the "What a Tweest!" clip.
Please tell me it's the one from The Cabin In The Woods
At least Kyle Reese had the decency to bite it before the Terminator went after Sarah (well, more so than usual)
That makes two of us.
It's his Dark Logan story, isn't it? This won't end well.
Great review, as always
2722667
It's from 'Why Did I Do This?' by CrystalFeather
Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
2723477
It's chill, bro. Comment if and when you can. There's no rush.
As if we needed any.
Give me someone who knows the material and I might be.
Learn something new everyday. ... Then why is it called Tim Burton's the Nightmare Before Christmas? Maybe he had the most artistic influence?
I tried to do research on guns of that era, but couldn't find much. Thanks for the help on that.
Yes, sir. Mr. Jameson. Have a look at these.
i1084.photobucket.com/albums/j419/Fireemblemspider/batgirl.jpg
Thanks! I'm glad she turned out well.
I wish. I looked everywhere for it and couldn't find the story at all. I know the web animation is there, but that's not my thing. I may review it some day, but for now I'm afraid we have to settle for a fic called "COPYCAT, the seventh Titan". Believe me, it's bad.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed!
2724213
IMDb says that Burton was one of the head writers/producers
No problem... although looking back I am a bit confused (again, Mykan's blatant lack of respect to time and space is to blame). If this takes place mid-19th century, then they might have revolvers, but with all the anachronisms I thought it was taking place in Renaissance Engalnd, when blackpowder pistols were just coming out.
I wanted to have the Dark Logan story as my first Mykan review back when I was reviewing stories, but I couldn't find it either.
But this sounds bad enough. Also, who's the sixth Titan? Terra? Because I remember there being five core members, but correct me if I'm wrong.
2724954 In Mykan's world, Terra came back to the Titans to be with Beast Boy. So, she would be the sixth.
2724957 I see... doesn't make it any better
2725041 Oh, you have no idea. But you will.
Do to my zombie research, I pretty sure that the body would either be fairly warm, or frozen and unable to move. Since zombies can;t regulate their body temperature, either they rot, or they get so cold that the muscles stiffen up and they are unable to move.
And now you know.
brentholm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/gijoe.jpg
2725060 Also actually Burton didn't direct Nightmare Before Christmas. He wrote and produced it, but was too busy with Batman Returns to direct.
Also 6Teen was pretty good. Think if Friends was animated and they were all still in high school. Also there's a main character by the name of Ron.... He's essentially Christopher Walken
2725459 GI JOE! GO JOES! Thanks for reading.
2725481 I heard good things about 6teen. Maybe one day I'll get to review the '7teen' fics.
And yeah, Iowa explained that Tim didn't direct Nightmare. I just assumed he did because his name is in the title. And we all know what happens when I assume.
2725637 I'd suggest checking it out BEFORE that review... Could ruin you're first impressions of it otherwise.
I'm on it, chief.
Well......
....yeah.
This story hurt.
And seriously, who would create a character with the sole purpose of creating stupid and complicated multi-sided love triangles that just end in- hey, how did this get here?
The bank pres offering the stolen money as a reward reminds me of Mar-Vell