Critique Review: Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy: How There Friendship Connect · 4:18pm Feb 4th, 2015
“In what is being call the biggest prison break in Equestria’s history, 40 convicts were unaccounted for,” a newscaster explained. “What happened at the Canterlot Penitentiary is still not completely understood. However, what can be determined is that this was the work of outside forces as two staff members have been unaccounted for.”
“In the riots that ensued after the initial bombing, 7 ponies were killed, including 2 of the Canterlot guards. Over 75 ponies were injured, including many of the convicts. As an added casualty, Mr. Air Speed’s position as warden of the prison has been vacant. It is unclear who the next warden will be, but filling in as ‘acting warren’ is Charming Chorus by suggestion of Princess Celestia.”
“The prison staff is expected to make an announcement about who will be in charge of the prison sometime today. Until then, Princess Celestia has asked everypony to remain calm and to stay on alert. The convicts that escaped are considered to be some of the most dangerous ponies in all of Equestria.”
***
Hello, everypony! I am the Critique!
And thank fucking god, Mykanuary is over. Jesus, I haven’t seen so much shit, since the last time I ate at Taco Bell and order the fucking Chicken Burritos.
But that’s a story for another time. For now, we are in the month of love…
God, I hate this month. It’s almost as bad as Hearth’s Warming, but nowhere near as bad as Sequel September.
The month where we dedicate our lives to our romantic partner, really starts to piss me off! Here’s why!
…
NO, IT’S NOT BECAUSE I’M SINGLE AND BITTER!
No, the reason this holiday pisses me off, is because it all started because of a fucking love potion! That’s right, the holiday where we celebrate us forcing couples together, was started by the same fucking thing. It’s good to know we’ve made some fucking progress.
Sorry, everypony. I’m just really not in a good mood, only a week after Mykanuary. All the more power to me this week, as we read a god awful fic. This one barely even tried to be good and is so contrived, you swear it was the love potion. And yet somehow, that would make this story more entertaining.
So, let’s just dig into Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy How there Friendship Connect by … FUCKING CHRIST! YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THE RIGHT ‘THERE’ IN THE FUCKING TITLE!
You guys probably thought that was a typo. “The Critique has finally lost it! Look what state Mykanuary has left him in!”
Guys, I wish I was in that state! Because then I wouldn’t have to endure such garbage like this shit!
Here’s Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy How “THEIR” friendship connect by RewColty
It was a nice, pretty day in ponyville.
Oh, I so don’t miss these.
The birds singing, the ponies walking, socialize, flowers growing.
Ponies walking Socialize? What, is socialize the name of your dog or something? How do you walk an interaction between ponies?! Fuck it, I’m going to name my pet elephant Socialize, just so this stupid sentence can make sense!
The beautiful farm, sweet apple acres, have a new shed under contruction build by 4 ponies named applejack, rainbow dash, fluttershy and twilight sparkle.
Oh, Jesus. The third fucking sentence people! The third fucking sentence! I mean, my god! There is barely any basic grammar here. Capitalization on the names of ponies, places and things! Even Mykan got that right at least some of the time!
So, a storm hits and a lightning bolt hits Fluttershy, but thankfully Rainbow Dash saves her. Yeah, that was almost paraphrasing. Want to see how much paraphrasing I did? Here’s how much.
A thunder suddently struck the left of fluttershys wing. She falls but rainbow dash saved her life, at the cost of the roof which fell and broke.
This is a major, major problem with this story. The show in this story is nonexistent! We are just told what happens. “Fluttershy’s in pain. Rainbow Dash and Applejack felt sorry for her. Twilight uses her magic to heal her.” SHOW, DON’T TELL! Don’t tell us Fluttershy in pain, make Fluttershy show us her being in pain!
Her voice, her speech, her facial expression! All hinted at her being in pain! Thank you, Fluttershy!
Anyway, Fluttershy is happy that Rainbow Dash saved her life.
Fluttershy, while in pain, is happy that rainbow saved her life.
Are we starting to see the major problem in this story?!
Also, little fun fact, we have gone through a couple of plot points, like the storm and Fluttershy getting electrocuted. And not a single line of dialogue. Yes, not one of the characters has actually said anything. We are told they say something, but they never actually speak.
Now, there are certain instances where it is okay for characters not to speak. But usually something is going on with the characters. Even if you take away thoughts and such, they still have something going on with them. Seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling, hearing! They are using their senses even if they are not saying anything!
I feel like I’m being told an episode by a four year old rather than reading a story. This sounds like a Wikipedia summery and yet, somehow that would be more entertaining.
Rainbow Dash gets a nice long look at Fluttershy and realizes that she is in love with her. Well, I’m glad it took her almost dying to do that. It’s not like anything else could have done that. Certainly not a relationship.
Fluttershy questioned rainbow on why shes looking at are.
Maybe she wants to look at ‘R’? Why not? R sounds like a better character than anyone else in this story so far.
Rainbow shook her head and notice that if she stays in the clouds to long, she too will be strucked by lighting.
A fate that not even Starla Shine wants to be a part of.
Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
Applejack is upset that her roof is destroyed.
Well, she sure seems mighty upset about it. Let’s take a look at Applejack and see how upset she is.
Now, that is a face of pure rage and anger. And I know rage and anger.
Twilight then ran out to buy a new one.
Because I guess Twilight can just do that. Princess or not, where does she go to buy roofs? Roofs ‘R’ US? Oh, hi R! God, you’re the best character in the story, R!
R: Yeah, I’m fucking awesome! Now piss off loser! I got to go get myself drunk!
Loser! That’s awesome! God, I love that guy!
Applejack resumed working on the shed as rainbow helps fluttershy get back home.
So, yeah, Applejack starts working on the roof again, in the middle of a thunderstorm, AFTER FLUTTERSHY JUST GOT ELECTRICUTED! God, its decisions like these that make me realize why the fandom hates Applejack. The problem is the fandom itself.
Urgh, this whole story… I could literally make a joke about every sentence in this story. That’s how bad this story is. But I’m going to skip through most of it. Believe me, you aren’t missing much.
Rainbow Dash takes Fluttershy home and…
"Dont worry fluttershy, you'll be ok." Said rainbow.
Hoy shit, a talking pony! It’s a talking pony! Can’t believe what I’m seeing! A talking pony! Wow! Who’d have thought?!
Rainbow Dash flies home after tucking Fluttershy in for the night and Rainbow Dash wants to be with Fluttershy always. But she’s worried that Fluttershy might not feel the same.
Oh, don’t worry. The chemistry between you two only needs to be as good as this story. And you’re already doing a very good job of that.
Another thing that has been a problem with the story is the changing of tenses in this story. The story has no idea if this is a past tense story or present tense. It just flops back and forth like a mares volleyball match and yet less entertaining. … A lot less entertaining.
The next day Rainbow Dash heads over to Fluttershy’s house to check up on her. Fluttershy says that her wing is healing. Oh, I’m sorry. The story tells us that Fluttershy tells Rainbow Dash that her wing is healing. Are quotes hard to use? Are they just foreign to your computer?
You know this story wouldn’t be so bad, if you actually tried using some dialogue! … I lie of course, this story would be just as bad.
Fluttershy goes to get some tea for Rainbow Dash when she bumps into the fridge. A jar of jam falls off the fridge towards Fluttershy which Rainbow Dash has to save her from.
Okay, ignoring the fact that you are threatening Fluttershy with a FUCKING JAR OF JAM!
How the fuck did Fluttershy hit that hard enough to make it fall?! Was it just dangling on the edge impossibly?! Or did the jar just spring to life and attack her?!
After that, Rainbow Dash says she needs to head home and rest.
Oh, yeah! Those jars of jam really take it out of you! Let’s hope she doesn’t run into a can of beets before she gets home! Cause then she’d really be in trouble!
She wonders and think and wonders and think. Rainbow dash cant seem to get her to love her.
Well, maybe if you’d stop ‘wonders and think’ for a second and actually go and talk to her, you might actually get somewhere.
She had no choice but to show her love to fluttershy.
Rainbow! It’s been like half a day at best! Wow, you really are the fastest in Equestria, aren’t you?
So, Rainbow Dash flies to Fluttershy’s house and ask her to go to the park with her. This must seem odd for Fluttershy since Rainbow Dash left her house, what, 20 minutes ago?
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash start to tour the park.
They walked into a empty space.
It looked a lot like the page of the story should have been.
"Why did we stop?" Fluttershy asked.
We are surrounded by cans of soup!
Soup! Oh, no! Not soup!
Chicken Noodle, Cream of Mushroom and… Oh, god!
… French Onion! CELESTIA HELP US!
Rainbow Dash takes her to her special spot and then kisses Fluttershy.
Fluttershy then all of a sudden freak out and asked rainbow on why she did that.
Baby, I already do.
Fluttershy runs off leaving Rainbow Dash all alone. So, feeling depressed, or at least, the story says she is, she heads home for the day.
Rainbow Dash soon arrives at Fluttershy’s house to apologize. Fluttershy finds it hard to forgive her, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. Suddenly, a lightning bolt hits Rainbow Dash.
Jesus, does Zeus hate this story as much as I do? It would certainly explain a whole lot.
Rainbow Dash starts to fall to her death. However, Fluttershy is able to catch her. Oh… um… yay or some shit.
Fluttershy says she just not interested in Rainbow Dash and that if they want to be together, they need to build a stronger bond. And so our story ends with them helping Applejack build her shed and the two growing in friendship. Or at least, that’s what the story told me happen.
Yeah, I don’t think that this story needed a lot of thought to decide it. But I will say this for the story…
I enjoyed it.
I’m not kidding. This is one of those rare fan fics that is so bad, it’s actually really enjoyable. This is one of those gems that come along every once in a long while and you just laugh at how incomprehensible it is. This is a fic that could get nothing right.
The story is boring. The writing is unbelievable bad. There is not a single moment of show in the story. For all that happens, the characters only think or speak, 3 times. The characterization is atrocious. Nothing in this story is right at all.
And yet, it is so incredibly bad with some of the choices that it makes that, I actually got a few laughs out of it.
If you are looking for a serious story with good writing, don’t even waste your time.
But if you are looking for something that is just so ungodly terrible and you just want to poke fun at a really bad story, than this is the story for you.
And after Mykanuary, a story that is so bad it’s good is a welcome break. Have a good day, guys.
***
“We are standing outside the Canterlot Penitentiary where Princess Celestia has made her decision of who the next warden will be. A professor of criminology and psychology at Manehatten University. While the name of this professor had not been made public yet, we believe that Princess Celestia plans to make a statement”
Princess Celestia trots to a podium, dozens of microphones at her face. “Citizens of Equestria,” her voice booms in the mics. “After the massive breakout, the prison staff, members of Equestria’s security detail and myself have been debating long and hard about how to better protect Equestria and its citizens.”
“And it is our belief that the stallion who is most qualified to aid us in this mission,” she points her hoof to a balding green unicorn with glasses on his nose. “Professor Brain.”
The old unicorn trotted up to the podium. “Fillies and gentlecolts,” he spoke. “I understand that everypony is rather shaken about last week’s event. But I am here to assure you, that I, nor the staff at Canterlot Penitentiary, nor Princess Celestia will tolerate this act of aggression. We will discover how these ponies escaped and we will make sure that nothing like this can ever happen again.”
Brain’s lip curled to a smile. The media staff nod and started to ask him questions. Satisfactory, he thought to himself. Most satisfactory.
Bad romance to follow.
Ah, shipping.
"Which is a change up, because normally Ponyville is like Mordor in the summertime."
John freeman looked around the countrysides and said "it's a good day to do what has to be done by me to help my brother defeat the enemys :D"
...
HEIL SPELLCHECK!!!
leganerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/grammar-nazi1.jpg
And I agree, this showing in this story is atrocious. I'd hate to see this author write a fight scene; it'd probably make Mykan's fight scenes look like something from Samurai Jack.
You saved my life from something that most pegasi are conditioned against.
We should bang.
Having descriptions is good, having too much, as you said, makes it sound like a wikipedia article. I tend to have the opposite problem with too much dialogue and not enough action, but I'm improving.
And yet they still have more romantic chemistry than Korra and Asami...
This sentence makes no sense. "Looking at are"? What am I supposed to get from that? "Looking at her"? Is that what you're trying to say, author?
WHY DOES YOUR STORY MAKE NO SENSE?!?!?!?!
Never mind that you have been struck by lightning before and were barely singed. Also, as a weather pony wouldn't you be dealing with this problem ALL THE DAMN TIME?!
When suddenly TENSE SHIFT!!!
Maybe Yahtzee was onto something...
There's been a landslide. Now go fight some bandits.
I'd freak out if my best friend did that... especially considering I already have a girlfriend and we spent a lot more time actually getting to know one another...
So, it's like My Immortal and Starkit's Prophecy? Alright then
If only real life were that simple.
(Said every fanfiction writer ever)
Same!
One of the few bad fics that I actually enjoyed.
Oh god, I am becoming involved with the story...WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!! By wich, I mean the story you are writing around the review
Hmmm...
Nice, short review and a decent tease for things to come .Can't wait to see whats up with the Brain.
Obviously he wants to rule the world.)
2770126 It's Critique and the Brain! Yes, Critique and the Brain! One is a genius! The other's insane! Here's what their going to do, they'll kill your Mary Sue! They're Critique! They're Critique and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
... Sorry. I have no idea where that came from.
2769905 Thank you. I try to make it at least a little interesting.
Crap, I'm late! Um, hello! I know it's a bit late, but still wanted to talk about it. So, your review was as funny as ever! The only thing I can really do know is add in this joke: