Critique Review: Way Back Home · 3:12pm Apr 22nd, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Being a reviewer, you make a lot of enemies. Especially if you’re a reviewer who is snarky, handsome, and loves to tear something somepony spent months on to shreds, shower the remains over their heads and just laugh as they cry their little eyes out. Tee Hee Hee!
Then of course, you have a meeting with the kid’s parent and you’re paying for the damages that you caused because the parent happens to know a good lawyer. How the fuck was I supposed to know it’s against the law to damage other ponies’ stuff?!
I’m sorry, I was going somewhere with this…. Oh, yes! You make a lot of enemies as a reviewer. And that’s fine. I am anti-pony and anti-friendship. Which explains why my Facebook is about as empty as the comment section in most, if not all of my stories.
But I’m getting off topic again. It’s not every day that I get to attack one of the moderators for the website. But when the moderator in question made the mistake of writing a story out of passion and a love for storytelling, he unwittingly fell into my trap! And now that he’s fallen for said trap, I’m going to tear his little baby apart!
I might as well. He does have the power to kick me off the website, so I figure if this is my last review, I might as well go out in a blaze of glory shouting every profanity that I could possible come up with.
Today’s victim… I mean… author is none other than Eldorado as in ‘The Road to’. As in ‘expect a lot of jokes and references to ‘The Road to’’.
You all know him and if you don’t, you probably will by the end of this. Or at least, his taste in writing. Or at least, what he wrote this one time.
So, what are we reviewing by this moderator that will probably end up getting me banned? Well, my friends we are going to review Way Back Home, a story staring Queen Chrysalis.
You know I just noticed, I haven’t reviewed a fan fic where the villain in the protagonist of the story. Well, that’s already one point of originality as compared to other fics I’ve reviewed. But considering that most of the stories I review are stories by Dakari King Mykan and FelixDawn, that’s not exactly saying a lot.
It’s like being the only skinny guy at a McDonalds eating competition and being the guy who isn’t overweight by the end of it.
And indeed, the idea of seeing the villain’s point of view would be original if Despicable Me and Wreak It Ralph never existed. But I joke of course, I’m just hoping that ‘The Road To’ is reading this and he’ll ban me from the website for abuse.
And then of course, there’s the fact that this is a Fallout crossover. Because everyone writes a fucking Fallout crossover! I’m writing a Fallout crossover! I don’t even know what Fallout is, but I’m writing about it!
Apparently, (according to Wikipedia) Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role-Playing Game is a Role-Playing set in a Post Nuclear world. Well, I think that’s enough research.
Our story description tells us of Queen Chrysalis being defeated by Twilight Sparkle.
Victory over Equestria seemed so certain for Queen Chrysalis... until it was torn from her hooves at the last minute by the efforts of Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
Even though it was Cadance and Shining Armor who used the power of love to defeat her. 0 out of 10! Worst fic ever! Review over!
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As much as I’d love to just leave it at that, I know that I’m going to get a lot of angry emails about never finishing one fan fic review. So, I’d guess I’d better sit down, shut up, and review this thing.
Our story begins with Queen Chrysalis waking up in some kind of ruins
All her joints were stiff, and if she had bones she’d have sworn she’d broken some of them.
Wait, if she doesn’t have bones then what the hell does she have? Maybe Cameron wasn’t too far off with Changelings being similar to ants…
Actually in this story, the Changelings have exoskeletons like an insect, so I’ll let it slide.
What I won’t let slide, how would she know what a broken bone feels like or how they are achieved? Or it is like that really long titled story I reviewed where a Changeling can apparently grow appendages out of fucking nowhere.
Or maybe I’m reading too deeply into this and I’m just trying to piss the moderator off? Actually, now that I think of it, that’s exactly what I’m doing.
But the worst of her condition was not the pain she could feel, but something she couldn’t.
Speaking of appendages, I always wondered how Chrysalis impregnated Cadance.
Actually, she’s talking about not hearing the collective mind of the Changeling army. Apparently, Chrysalis is able to hear the thoughts of the other changelings, like a hive mind or something. I wonder if Chrysalis ever has days like this…
Changeling #1: Stupid Queen Chrysalis, making all these stupid laws and such.
Changeling #2: That ungrateful bitch! She’s never home when I need her.
Changeling #3: Daddy hates me and won’t let me have the latest cosmetics.
I can see now why she’d invade Canterlot; I would to get those assholes to shut up about their personal problems.
The Changelings it turns out are helpless without the leadership of their queen, since they’ve never been without one. Queen Chrysalis realizes she has to find them or they could very well die.
As she tries to escape the floor collapses under her and she falls deeper into the ruins.
The ruined underside of the odd saucer-shaped thing that had brought her here loomed directly overhead, its hull marred with harsh black scoring and countless dents and folds clearly visible despite the darkness of the night.
It had finally happened on this day! Destroy all Ponykind was released for the PS4!
Actually I’m not that far off, it turns out that the saucer had fell out of the sky and crashed into one of the buildings.
She hears a pair of voices that sounds like they are coming straight towards her.
Oh, no! They’re Chrysalis fan fiction writers! RUN, CHRYSALIS, RUN! … Isn’t that the title of another fan fic somewhere?
Chrysalis overhears the two talking and decides it’s best not to take any chances and hides in the wreckage of the ship, hoping that they will leave and she’ll be able to rest her wounds.
The luxury of brash decision-making was no longer hers, and she had to reluctantly part with the wreck and find somewhere safe to hide.
I don’t think invading Canterlot the way they did was all that brash. They would have succeeded if not for the writers coming up with a Deus Ex Machina.
As she searches the house for anything that can help her, she finds a body in the wreckage, but it is neither pony nor changeling. It’s a green being that’s similar to Canterlot’s Royal Guards or something. As such Chrysalis begins to suspect that this is Celestia’s doing and that she had planted her and her changelings in this new area to be guarded by these pony-like creatures.
Chrysalis overhears the group talking about somepony surviving the crash. (Look I don’t know what the hell to call them, having never played Fallout, if Fallout has anything to do with this, I’m calling it a pony.) Chrysalis thinks to herself that if she can get a hold of the pilot who might still be inside the vessel, she can interrogate him for information. She assumes that after the crash, he would be in worse shape that she is.
Chrysalis manages to get around to the other side of the crash. There, she sees a group of large ponies in body armor, a few scientists and a tall Colonel.
The group approaches the pilot, but the pilot doesn’t seem too keen on going with them.
“Colonel, he’s got a gun!”
The pilot opens fire on one of the dudes and it apparently evaporates his body. Well, that’s one way to get gore out of your fic.
By the way, wasn’t the dude that was shot wearing body armor? I mean, it says one of the soldiers was shot, so what the hell? Maybe the ‘heaviest suits of full-body armor Chrysalis could even dream of’ was just for show and to look badass.
The soldiers kill the pilot and the Colonel tells the group to search the ship. They spot Chrysalis and Chrysalis tries to get away. She manages to avoid them for a while until she finds an old factory and she decides to hide there until she can figure out a way to escape.
However, given the layout of the area around being desolate and devoid, she realizes that it wouldn’t be long before the soldiers figure out where Chrysalis is and start shooting up the place to find her.
Of course that was what they were doing; even the Royal Guard wouldn’t be dense enough to not figure out where she’d buggered off to, given those options.
Ah, so even Chrysalis knows that the Royal Guard is full of assholes. Official head canon accepted.
They could probably see the chimneys from the crash site, so all someone had to do was chance a gaze in their direction before something to the effect of “hey, Colonel, maybe she’s over there in the only other habitable structure in the nation” was uttered.
Capitalization is for squares. I’m starting to see how half the stories I review get past moderation.
The line starts at the front door and goes around the block… Twice.
However, Chrysalis comes up with a plan to get the jump on them. She hopes to find something heavy she can use to bar the door and use her magic to catch them off guard.
Chrysalis makes her way inside and sees a stallion by one a gathering of crates. She thinks to herself of a plan and disguises herself as one of the ponies chasing her, but a female version.
And then it jumps points of view to the stallion for a line or two. I know there is no rule against it, but I do have to scratch my head at the choice. For the most part, we’ve seen things from Chrysalis’s point of view, why would we, in the same chapter, go to another point of view for a sentence or two? I’m not even exaggerating; it’s only for a sentence that we see this character’s point of view.
There might not be a rule against it, being a third person story, but it does feel really shaky here.
Anyway, Chrysalis pretends to be a damsel in distress and like a stallion who only thinks with his penis (or Tumblr followers) he comes to her aid without even asking questions. Chrysalis smiles at her plan, but suddenly the stallion starts gibbering like a mad pony and attacks her with a knife. Chrysalis manages to deflect the knife away from her and steal it from the mad pony’s hooves.
What, does this guy have mood swings or something?
The soldiers burst in and open fire on the mad pony. Chrysalis manages to distract the soldiers from attacking her by throwing the knife. She hopes it would buy her enough time to get away, but the mad pony knocks her to the ground.
She fights off the soldiers for a bit before the Colonel manages to get the drop on her and Chrysalis is captured.
“Well,” he shrugged, “on behalf of the Enclave, let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.” His brow creased, and he crouched down to stare directly into her eyes.
“As of right now, your ugly ass is officially United States Government property.”
OH MY GOD! THEY WORK FOR HASBRO! RUN!
Sometime later, a scientist is talking to the Colonel of the area about Chrysalis, stating that she could be one of their enemies that they’ve been fighting.
“This thing’s killed people, and I need to know what it’s capable of, and how it might be of use to us.”
Scientist: Well, we plan to use her to rally these teenage to middle age male demographic to join our cause.
Colonel: Do you think this will work?
Scientist: Trust me, we show them a rainbow colored horse joining our cause, they will too!
Anyway, they continue to discuss what to do with their captive and the Colonel says that the scientist should keep digging to find out what she is. The scientist has a theory that she might be a product of genetic engineering.
“But, you are familiar with deathclaws, right? Unlike your average wasteland creature, they weren’t modified exclusively by post-war nuclear radiation but by government funded genetic engineering. They did mutate a little bit after the Great War just like everything else, but they were originally Jackson’s Chameleons, genetically modified with DNA taken from various other species in order to create the perfect predator.
Ah, so that’s what the Great Pony War 1 was about from last week. … And yet, that wouldn’t make it any less stupid.
The Colonel gets a call that he’s wanted by the president and our next scene shows the Colonel meeting with said president to discuss the water purifier situation.
Apparently, a group called the Brotherhood of Steel is reestablishing themselves and that they needed to get to the water purifier before they do. I’m assuming the Brotherhood of Steel is hold up in the place and that the group needs the water for the small colony, but I’m just guessing at this point since I’m having a hard time figuring out why they need to be there and what history they have with the Brotherhood.
Granted, it does say they need to purify the land and that this would achieve that, but I still fail to see the history with the Brotherhood and why or how they are being such assholes.
Maybe this makes more sense if you played the game.
The Colonel is a bit confused at the president’s proposal to capture a water purifier since he’s show no interest in prior, but he agrees to do his job and find a way to obtain it.
The Colonel, being cautious, orders his men to send drones to scout out the place since they don’t know for certain that the water purifier they want even works.
A scientist then enters to the room looking for Dr. Anderson from earlier (The scientist watching over Chrysalis). The Colonel tells her where he was last scene, but the scientist claims that he isn’t there and that Chrysalis is gone.
The Colonel raises the alarm and puts the entire base on alert about Chrysalis.
The entire base is on high alert looking for Chrysalis, but a few moments pass and nothing seems to come up.
“Ge to an intercom. There’s one outside and down the hall, to the left. Contact the president and tell him we need the hangar silo doors locked down on his override as well as the main entrance. I don’t want to take any chances.”
Ge to the in to the er com typo. This story has some typos that makes the author DOH! I’m typolicous.
The small squad of soldiers stood in a semicircle around the prototype suit of Hellfire armor being tested in the middle of the room, confused and hoping for instruction.
It’s not my fault! I’m not to blame! It is the gypsy girl, the witch you set this flame!
The panic of the base sets some of the soldiers against one another since they can’t find Chrysalis anywhere.
Maybe it turns out that Chrysalis is actually Batman and is picking off these guys one by one from gargoyle vantage points.
The soldiers continue to search the base without much going on. This would probably far more interesting from Chrysalis point of view. This is just a personal thing for me, but I’d rather see the point of view of the underdog rather than the massive force. Again, this could be just to get to know our character, the Colonel. Okay, he has a name and it’s Autumn. I just saying it now.
However, to the group of soldiers, this is more unsettling to them sense they don’t know what Chrysalis is capable of. This would be more interesting for the reader if we didn’t either. At least from my view point.
Autumn hears something nearby and goes to investigate.
He opens up a closet and sees an unconscious Dr. Anderson. Autumn is confused since he just talked to Dr. Anderson a few moments ago. He figures out that the Dr. Anderson he was talking to was actually Chrysalis and rushes off to find her.
Autumn tries to communicate with the base, but Chrysalis was already one step ahead of him by knocking out the intercoms. I would question how she was able to do this since she’s never been with this kind of technology and had no way of knowing where to access any of the systems for the intercoms, just an intercom or two.
However, she does manage to trick him into giving her information on how to escape and Autumn figures that’s what she would try.
They get to the loading docks and try to find Chrysalis, but she’s already taken off in one of their ships.
However, after a chase scene, they manage to knock down the ship and capture Chrysalis.
The story then changes points of view to Chrysalis, but I’m willing to give it a pass, despite their being no indication of the point of view change, since it lasts for more than a paragraph.
We cut to the Colonel who is resting after the near escape of Chrysalis.
The president calls him over the intercom and wants to talk to him about the water purifier. He explains that a group of mutants appeared near the water purifier and that they are making moves to obtain it. Autumn thinks that it’s best to cut their losses, but the president thinks it worth the risk sending men to establish a parameter.
The president eventually convinces Autumn that it’s worth at least an investigation and orders him and a scientist to scout the place.
I kind of question the motive here. I know the president ordered him to do this, but it seems like an unnecessary risk to Autumn and the scientist he’s bringing along. Maybe if there was a desperation factor into this, it would make a little more sense why he would go along with something that he himself said was dangerous.
We cut to Autumn and a small team flying over the land to where they think the water purifier might be.
More than a few raider bands in the DC area had access to missile launchers and other military hardware that they’d plundered from Army forts and outposts. The idiot savages would shoot at anything that wasn’t one of them, and so it was dangerous to fly too close to ruins and settlements during the day.
See, I have every right to insult ‘The Road To’. He insulted me!
One of the soldiers asks how the interrogation with Chrysalis is coming along, but he replies that things are not going well. He says that they’ve tried everything that they can think of, outside of torture, but she has refused to talk.
Their talk is interrupted when the groups of super mutants decide to make a drastic move and head for the purifier. However, the president controls one of the eyebots they have out in the field and uses it to distract the mutants.
This doesn’t really feel like something a president should be doing. Doesn’t he have people for that?
The group realizes they are on a tight schedule and need to pull of their investigation quickly.
They get inside the facility and look for the scientist they are supposed to locate. However, they find that the base is all clear.
They do however find the water purifier, but it’s larger than they had previously thought. They go down further to try and find the scientist. Before they can search for long the super mutants start to make their move and start heading for the facility.
Question, why are they called ‘super mutants’? Was the standard mutant just not cool enough? Or maybe ‘The Road To’ is just not a fan of the X-Men.
They try to sneak past the mutants, but they end up spotting them and a fight breaks out.
“Yaaah!” screamed a super mutant, drawing Autumn’s attention back to the ramp.
Pfft… Maybe this thing is Wolverine after all.
It fits so well, doesn’t it?
“Fall back!” Fairlight kicked the carcass off himself and hurried to his feet.
No, you idiot. Fallout! I can’t believe I have to correct you on your own title.
Anyway, the fight is quickly going badly for our heroes and they realize they need a way out. They figure out a plan to bottle neck the mutants down a tactical position and use it to stall until their ship can extract them.
You know if this had been an army of Diamond Dogs, you guys would have been royally screwed.
The ship manages to extract them and they fly back to base. Before they make it far, one of the ‘Gigantic Super Mutants’, yes they are in this fic too, manage to grab one of their ships and holds it down. One of the officers grabs a rifle and manages to snipe the bastard.
During their flight back and to make a really long explanation short, one of the scientists explains that the water purifier can be useful to them, but they need to clear out the mutants before they can make any use of it. He also explains that it might be easier for the Brotherhood of Steel to deal with the mutants and then deal with them later.
They arrive back at the base and Autumn decides to take another crack at Chrysalis. Oh, yeah, she’s still in this fic, isn’t she?
Dr. Anderson appears at her cell to give Chrysalis her food. However, Chrysalis proves to be unresponsive.
Chrysalis looked down at what had been offered to her—some fruit common to most Equestrian climates, a kind of soup she’d never seen outside the Gryphon Kingdom, barely-edible miniature cakes and other junk food that looked to have been sitting around for ages—and wondered how Raven Rock’s food stores could be so high in variety yet low in quality.
So, the food a prisoner gets after murdering a few of their people is a feast? This is especially baffling since this is supposed to be an apocalyptic world. Granted, they might be trying to bribe her with food, but I just don’t see anyone lining up to give away food that they could be using.
Especially, if it is nuclear war that trashed the planet.
And the story keeps shifting between Dr. Anderson and Queen Chrysalis. Even in the same paragraph. Yes, there is no ruling that says you cannot do this. It’s just a personal pet peeve. And here’s why. The point of views in this style of narrative tends to be cluttered and with it constantly switching, it can be sometimes difficult to tell who we are seeing the story through.
Now, some styles have shown that switching back and forth can prove pretty damn effective, but I don’t feel this is one of them. It feels almost sloppy, like the story didn’t have a complete feel on who he was looking through the eyes of.
Again, the way the story presents it is not technically wrong, but it just bothers me.
Chrysalis uses her horn to bring up an apple to her face and the soldiers panic. Without a word, she convinces them that she’s just trying to eat.
I can just imagine Chrysalis as the guards look away.
After all, she didn’t exactly have hands, so how else was she expected to manipulate the contents of the tray?
… The same way Earth ponies do? … Unless, Queen Chrysalis is a racist?! I knew it! I knew I hated Changelings for some reason!
As you can imagine, the interrogation of Queen Chrysalis isn’t going so well for our … heroes? I guess… And one of the scientist suggests that they put her in a situation where they can observe her behavior and make judgements from there.
Not a bad idea, mind you, but my first instinct would have been to cut her open. Why not? It’s not like it’s just me being bitter about her being racist against Earth Ponies…
Well, it’s not!
Autumn shrugged. It couldn’t make things any worse.
Unless Chrysalis were to escape again or get the upper hoof. So yes, it could make things worse.
We then cut back to Chrysalis who is still sitting in her cell, been a few chapters since we’ve been in her head for more than a paragraph.
Nowhere in there did it make any sense how she and the whole changeling horde had wound up in that steel-walled dungeon. Not the current one, but the other one, with the sterile walls not covered in grime and the little green men she couldn't understand and the ventilation system that didn't constantly sound like it was about to sputter and die.
What steel-walled dungeon? When was that?
She also couldn’t work out who her current captors truly were, or what they were hoping to accomplish.
Um… wait, I think you missed something? Can we talk about this steel-walled dungeon you were in before?
If they were looking for a ransom, then they already knew who she was and had no cause to interrogate her further.
Wait, I’m a little curious about this steel-walled dungeon?
If they were hoping to turn her, to make her a weapon against Celestia, then they need only ask
Fuck it…
So, Chrysalis tries to think of a plan and basically tells us what we already know. That the guards play their good cop/bad cop routine that gets them nowhere and that she’s just waiting for an opening. You know, Chrysalis, this might be a bad time to worry about your Changelings who have been without a leader for so long and are probably off like chickens in the rain, staring blankly at the sky with their mouths open.
But, SHOULDN’T YOU BE WORRING ABOUT YOUR SUBJECTS?!
Even a throwaway line that says she was at least thinking about how they were fairing? No? Fine…
The next day a group of soldiers come and take Chrysalis out of her cell, tying her so she can’t escape.
The room rotated further as she was turned onto her back, and four pairs of armored gloves each grabbed a corner of her torso and heaved.
I can just see some brony reading this and jerking off to that line.
So, they drag her through the facility allowing her to get a better view of where she is, the layout of the base and any security features they might have in place that might prevent her from escaping.
Um… wait, what?
They didn’t blindfold her?! Why would you not blindfold her?! Yeah, she’s seen the base as she was trying to escape, but do really want her to know more of it by randomly moving her about?!
They get her to a room where it’s … another cell? … Not seeing how this is really any different then what they’ve been doing. However, because this is Contrivance Land, a force field activates and gets a reaction from Chrysalis.
She starts to think about how she invaded Canterlot.
Someone had tipped Celestia off to the changeling threat; she’d initially planned to use the Princess Cadance cover to assassinate Celestia, and Luna if it was possible, and then call for an invasion once the nation’s most powerful defender was out of the picture.
Is that why you let Princess Cadance and Princess Celestia live when you had them in your clutches?
Oh, wait, younger audience show… Never mind.
A scientist appears on the other side of the force field and starts to talk to Chrysalis.
“My name is Clayton Forrester,” he introduced,
“and unlike dear Dr. Anderson, I am not incompetent.”
That’s not what she said.
Clayton attempts to get Chrysalis to talk, but it doesn’t seem to get anything. Chrysalis attempts to use her magic to get out of the situation, but the force field somehow disrupts the flow of magic and makes her horn useless.
Chrysalis's strength was draining fast—Anderson’s generous food offerings had kept her physical strength up, but it’d been so long since she’d last fed on emotions that she didn’t have the energy to sustain the spell for long.
Wait, wait, wait… Fed on emotions? You haven’t fed on emotions? What the hell counts as an emotion?! Look, I know that in the episode ‘Canterlot Wedding’, the changelings feed off love. I get that. But here, it just says emotions. Is a man beating you violently in anger or having the guards panic in fear not emotions?
Last I checked, those were emotions! Unless the story means positive emotions, but again, it just says emotions.
The group agrees to starve her until she cooperates and Chrysalis realizes that she doesn’t have much time to think of a plan to escape.
And because, again, Contrivance Land and because we haven’t had an action scene in this chapter, here’s an action scene! The dumbass Clayton shuts down the force field and gives Chrysalis a chance to take Autumn’s gun from him. However, Autumn’s reflexes are fast enough to keep fighting Chrysalis.
I’m starting to think they want Chrysalis to escape at this point. The only thing they haven’t done yet, is open her cage door and say ‘Run, Chrysalis, run like the wind!’
Oh, and what was that line about incompetent, Clayton? Maybe we were talking about your ability to come?
Anyway, after a brief fight, they manage to get Chrysalis back into her cell, spilling her dinner on her face during the battle.
Her captors had served her chicken soup, another meat-based dish inconsistent with her rapidly-deteriorating theories about Princess Celestia organizing the whole thing.
You know, horses can eat meat! It’s not entirely unheard of! It’s just another way to get protein into their body. Hell, I know a girl who occasionally gives her horse Beef N’ Cheddars from Arby’s. Now, granted, based on the research I’ve done, it does say that a diet of meat is probably not good for it, but every so often is okay.
Plus, the only reason they say it might not be good for the horse is because they might grow accustomed to said diet. I’m pretty sure the ponies of Equestria are advanced enough psychologically to know the difference.
Sorry, another pet peeve of mine.
As she licked the soup from the floor, she couldn’t help but smile. Even in defeat and humiliation, she’d gone down swinging, and nearly turned the tables even after playing right into their hands.
Yes, you licking your dinner off the floor like a dog is not humiliating at the least. Really dignified.
Maybe she hadn’t killed everyone and escaped the base, but she’d put a hole in Autumn’s coat that hadn’t been there an hour ago, and that was cause for some celebration in itself.
It’s the little things, I guess?
Forrester was right when he said he wasn’t like Anderson
Yes, he’s the only one stupid enough to let down a force field against a dangerous target with only one soldier as backup.
Chrysalis decides that if she is going to make her escape she would need to do it now or she fears she would be too weak to do so later.
However, she decides to get some rest in the hopes that her leg, which had been shot during the battle, to heal a bit.
When Chrysalis wakes up she figures that the best thing for her to do is to make it through the air vent, which is on her side of the room and NOT behind the force field, but what you going to do?
She decides, however, that she’s far too large to fit through the air vent, but her shapeshifting into a smaller woman would fix that problem. However, she realizes that in her weakened state, her shapeshifting abilities would only last for so long and it is unlikely she would be able to conjure another one.
She manages to get to the air vent and pry the thing open. All with no security or guards to watch her. Or maybe there is a guard who monitors the monitors and they are spending all their time sleeping…
To make a really long escape scene short, Chrysalis works her way through the base until she comes upon a security camera room. It turns out that the worker is purposely sabotaging the cameras, so that a conversation between Clayton and the soldier who keeps beating the shit out of Chrysalis can have a private talk off record.
Chrysalis manages to listen in and overhears that not only do they want to use her as a weapon, but overhears of them throwing a coup.
However, Clayton refuses to go along with it when his friend, Autumn, might be caught in the crossfire.
“In the interest of minimizing drama, I won’t tell anyone about your plans, but I highly advise you to abandon them immediately.
Not to question your intelligence, but this guy is threatening the security of your base! You might want to warn somebody with authority!
Canterlot politics were never this interesting, and Chrysalis was almost sad to have to leave.
Well, according to Mare of Steel, all the ponies worry about there is the possible zombie apocalypse that may or may never happen.
How the fuck do you keep getting in my house?! You better not have left a mess in the backyard!
Worst… pet… ever…
Chrysalis, after gathering all the information she wanted, sneaks out of the room and continues her escape. She finds a program at one of the doorways.
Sector 3A Security Terminal Operations:
> Cell Door Control
> Remote Monitoring Station Functions
> Security Logs
> September ’77 Duty Roster
> UOS Local Settings
> _main
The others seemed mostly useless, too, except the one at the bottom. Vague wording? An underscore? Inconsistent capitalization?
… Is… Is she reviewing? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve used those points when I’ve reviewed some of the worst fics out there. Oh, god! A review of a story inside a review of a story! What level of inception have I finally hit?!
Changelings lacked experience with technology of this sort, but deception was all about detecting patterns, and that last entry stood out a mile.
And yet you still managed to knock out all their communications the first time you tried to escape. Funny how consistency works.
She continues to dick around with the techno-babble, instead of … you know… saving the changeling empire. Maybe I wasn’t far off when she wanted those changelings to shut up.
I kid of course, Chrysalis is able to hack into the system, a high security system that somehow my refrigerator door has more security to, and is able to get a 3-d image of the base. The movie was better in 2-d.
She then discovers that she can start the shutdown process of the base that will leave them powerless for hours and won’t be noticeable due to the long shutdown process. Wow, this terminal just has all kinds of powers, doesn’t it? If the terminal was a living entity, I would almost call it Mary Sue.
She finds a gun and keeps it in case things get ugly for her. She starts the shutdown process and begins to make her escape.
And then… um… and then uh…
Yeah… this fic is incomplete.
So, I don’t know what happens next. And frankly, I don’t like that fact. See, this is why I don’t like reviewing incomplete stories. I don’t want to have to wait to see if my rage is valid or not. Granted, this can give an author a chance to see what isn’t explained and give them an excuse to write in those things, but those are what a proofreader should be exploring.
But regardless, this is what I read and so, I shall review it.
I’m not sure how to feel about this fic. On the one hand, when we are seeing the story through Chrysalis’s point of view, it’s actually rather fascinating. Mind you, this could be because I’m not entirely familiar with the Fallout series or its characters, but based on how some of the more idiotic decisions they’ve made, I can’t really side with them.
When Chrysalis is on the screen, there is definitely more charm to her. The other characters feel stiff and almost lifeless. I guess it makes sense that they live in a world where life is difficult and troublesome, but I’ve read Fallout fan fiction staring pony characters and they didn’t feel this lifeless or angry and bitter.
Particularly, Interloper’s Fallout Equestria: Rising Dawn. While I don’t like the length of its chapters, I did enjoy a number of the characters, since they had more personality besides bitter and angry.
These characters are pretty much just soldier stereotypes. I can imagine that plans were made to give them more of a personality, but I just didn’t feel like they were all that charming or appealing.
Like I said, Chrysalis was the only character I felt had a charming personality. A tactical, almost warrior like pony, up against overwhelming odds. It was rather interesting to get inside her head.
However, there are things that bothered me about Chrysalis. The feeding off emotions things could have been worded differently so that it fed off positive emotions, rather than anger and the like. The way it is worded makes it sound as if ‘anger and fear’ don’t count. This may be me reading WAY too deeply into this, but it’s a problem I feel needs to be addressed.
And while I don’t personally consider a ‘hive-mind’ for the changelings to be my personal head canon, I do like the idea. Unfortunately, the idea is all that really ever comes from it. Half the scenes with Chrysalis I was expecting her to comment on the fact that she can no longer hear her people and their cries for help.
Hell, I think it would have been more effective if she could have heard them, just small distinct whispers.
It would certainly give Chrysalis a more desperate motive to get free as quickly as possible.
Maybe there would have been more to it as the story progressed, like all the changelings are dead or something and that’s why she can’t hear them or she’s in another world or something like that. But if a cool idea like this is going to be introduced, I would have liked to have seen it explored more.
The action scenes come too often for me. I feel like every chapter has one, with the exception of the last chapter, and it could have been spent on furthering the characters a bit and fleshing them out. They aren’t bad characters, just not fleshed out. Part of that could be the story not being finished, but I still feel a little cheated.
But I’ve harped on the bad qualities of it. What does this story do right? It is really good at creating an atmosphere with it’s very through descriptions of places and situations. It’s clear a lot of thought went into the character of Chrysalis, since she seems to be where the fic springs to life. I’m not sure if this is the author enjoying the character or just the idea of a character being in this situation, but you can definitely tell this was more fun for the author and thus is more fun for the reader.
The style of writing is very well done, with the exception of switching heads in every once in a while. Again, there is technically no rule against it. It’s ultimately a personal preference and some people might not be bothered by it.
Again, I can’t really go into details about what I liked and disliked about it since I didn’t finish it and can’t finish it without the story actually being written.
But the ultimate question I should be asking myself is… Did I find this fic fun? … Hm…
Yes… a little… As I said, between Chrysalis and the writing style there is enough to be enjoyed and it is good. But there are little things that bothered me. Maybe it’s ultimately because I’m unfamiliar with the Fallout series and someone with those qualities would be more inclined to enjoy it. And while I think it might have eventually explained several things out that I didn’t understand, it still did attempt to teach non-Fallout readers about some of the lore.
So, overall, a rocky but enjoyable read. If the story ever does get finished, I would rather like to come back to it. I won’t give it a rating today, because either way I don’t see it as fair to the story.
And... Wait a minute... I never did a 'Road to' joke... Um... Uh... Here...
Good enough...
So, that’s the review this week. I hope you enjoyed it and…
Sir, the armor you ordered has just arrived.
Ooooooh, yeeeees! You know what to do Computer.
Loading project… Avengers Assemble.
NEXT WEEK!
IOWAFOREVER AND THE CRITIQUE!
REVIEW!
MY LITTLE AVENGERS BY KOOLERKID!
Part of the reason I took a break.
Good luck. I'll just be standing over here... away from everything... waiting for the bomb to drop.
You'll probably see a lot more, if you survive past this day.
Ooh boy. As someone who found Fallout Equestria too dark and depressing, this might be rough.
Of course, the fandom likes to portray Chrysalis as extra vindictive when it comes to these sorts of things, so...
Maybe she broke one once while she was in disguise?... I don't know how that works, but it's better than nothing.
If it is, I'd read it.
Some of the guns in Fallout are pretty overpowered, so...
Unnecessary, random POV change? THIS FIC SUCKS!!1!!1111!!
Amen to that.
Both are factions of the long fractured U.S. government. The Enclave are the bad guys who want to limit the water supply to control everyone, the Brotherhood are the good guys who want to purify all the water so everyone can have enough.
... wat.
for a semi-powerful faction, the Enclave doesn't have good discipline, does it?
Yeah, that's something I noticed. Despite being, you know, the main character, Chrysalis hasn't exactly shown up a whole lot.
The super-mutants are more powerful, aggressive, and intelligent than your standard mutants... I think... need to do some research.
She's like the dinosaurs in The Hunters
Yes. Yes it is.
I am too, but it appears the author didn't care all that much.
And for a fic that's based in Fallout, it's not really approachable. None of these things are really explained all that well, so a new reader would be confused as all getout.
... And yes, I am being a massive hypocrite right there. My conscious can shut up now.
first, it's "worrying". Just pointing that out.
And Second, yeah, that is a pretty important point. Wouldn't they be dead by now?
... sure.
Because that's what we need! More violence!
It's the pony equivalent of the DCU; sooner or later Blackest Night has to happen.
6
... It is? Then why review it?
Allow me to add some fitting music:
GAH, STOP THAT!
There, that's better.
Looking forward to next week
Yes. YES.
Man, maybe I should have actually declined the offer to review, because I do hate leaving people with no answer to valid concerns. Of course I think the story itself absolutely needs a massive amount of work, but it does bug me when people get upset about stuff they have every reason to be upset about simply because I didn't actually get far enough to explain why it's the way it is.
I'm finally on the other side of the fence as all the people who submit stories with no MLP relation and insist "it'll be related later" as if that makes a difference, and I am not okay with being here :C
Does it really not come off as clear that the whole forcefield thing was a set-up? I'm genuinely concerned about this because that's one of the things I'm the most pleased with, the intellectual battle going on between two highly manipulative master-planner type characters (even if the end of the episode itself really tries to ruin that aspect of Chrysalis's brilliance). I actually kind of forget how that scene plays out specifically, but the whole purpose for its existence was because they had a theory that their forcefields would block her magical abilities, which turns out to be correct, but they couldn't just stick one in front of her and say "here, try to magic your way through this" because she'll just lie. They'd need to engineer a situation where she'd actually try to magic her way through it, in a controlled environment (the pistol was empty, there were people right outside the cell, IIRC) so that if their theory turned up false it wouldn't destroy the universe. It was all about making her believe there was an opportunity, but really all she did was help them learn things about her.
I really did abandon this at the absolute worst point, come to think of it, because the very next chapter is where all of the little complaints of Contrivance Land actually pay off and serve a purpose. I'm a dummy for not committing to this, truly.
Still, appreciate the review, and it raises a lot of totally valid concerns I'll try to address if/when I get back into this thing. Thanks for giving my crapwords a read. If it really does come off as contrived plot elements, where I was going for genuinely suspiciously easy resolutions to her problems that should set off red flags for the eventual payoff, then that's a failing on my part and I need to address it.
Thanks again, all the same.
3006809
This is probably a prime example of why I shouldn't review things that I'm not familiar with... Now following that example is another story entirely.
You've seen the "ponylicious" videos right?
Sure, as hell feels like it. By the way, when will that review be posted on this site? Or are you just doing it on your own blog from before?
I don't know what I just watched ... I am speechless. I've got nothing.
Anyway, good to see you're excited for next week. Going to be fun!
3007046
Well, in these reviews, I tend to get more cynical and sarcastic. But I still try to keep the theme of honesty going. So, now matter how I make fun of it, when the story does well, I try to make sure it's spotlighted, but when a story doesn't do well I try to hit there as well.
Actually, it was rather clever her going through all these scenarios in her head and the group setting up this kind of false confidence whether they knew or not. With the unloaded gun and the fake confidence Dr. Clayton wore. It actually did a lot to build the suspense and it actually worked rather well. It's one of the reasons I didn't comment on it, but I should have because it was actually a well done scene.
3009536
Yeah, I was just feeling like a bit of an asshole, so I decided to step back for a while.
I give the same answer about Molestia; I haven't but I know enough about them to know what's going on
I'll most likely post it to my own blog, for formatting reasons. Expect it up around mid May, so I can finish up with Finals without having to worry about too many things
And I wanted to find an excuse to get that video into one of my comments. Gotta love Dutch soup commercials, am I right?
3009564 Wow... and I thought the Japanese were messed up.
Ah, I see. Well, I can't wait to see them returned either way.
They're kind of funny and kind of creative, but kind of dumb at the same time.