Critique Review: Clash of the Titans · 3:54pm May 13th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
So, another week, another review that brings me to my knees and makes me want to eat dirt for a living.
As many of us know, I am a critic. I know, shocking isn’t it? And as a critic, I tend to be a bit harsh on things. And maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should try being more friendly and upbeat, trying to raise authors up and make sure that they know they tried and that they should feel proud of that fact.
And maybe Princess Celestia will come and turn me into an alicorn princess.
Hello! We’ve got a lot of ground to make up today and I’m going to start by… Computer?
What about her?... You’re worried about her? … Eh, I’m sure she’s fine.
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I... have no strings… *sniffle* to hold me down… Make me fret *whimpers* or make me frown *cries.*
***
Anyway, let’s talk about Clash of the Titans. You are all probably familiar with this story. Perseus, after having his love, Andromeda, is declared to be executed by the gods, goes on a quest to discover how to defeat the gods and foil their plan to kill the one he loves.
That’s the cliffsnotes version of the movie anyway, which is a cliffsnotes version of the actual myth. Basically, the idea is mortals standing up against the gods and show that the gods aren’t always in the right. This makes sense since the Greek pantheon was made up of a bunch of assholes.
But I’m probably not the guy who should be talking seeing how I am.
In said movie, which I assume the story today is based on, Perseus seeks the head of a powerful gorgon named Medusa and uses her power to transform any creature to stone to defeat the Kraken of Argos. There are other odd creatures to, like Calibos and Sam Worthington. I kid, of course, this could be based of the 1981 Ray Harryhausen film of the same name, but that’s highly unlikely.
Seeing how the special effects of the 2010 movie were better … and that’s about it. Yeah, not a fan of the 2010 film.
But honestly, that shouldn’t affect my decision on whether I like this story or not. Maybe the story will make some changes that will be for the better.
So, let’s dig into Clash of the Titans by Ice Dragon King and find out why God of War is better.
Our story starts in the underworld of Tartarus. How do we know it’s Tartarus?
In the Underworld: Domain of Tartarus...
Oh… no… no. No. No, this can’t be one of those fics, can it?
"Almighty Hades!" said Lucifer.
"Father!"Said Death, Pestilence, War and Famine.
"Lucifer, my loyal demon and brother." said Hades.
"The snake has been resurrected like Almighty Zeus had asked us to do now my king." replied Lucifer.
It is! DAMN IT!
Barely a few paragraphs in and already I’m not looking forward to this one. The talking head syndrome in this story is beyond embarrassing. Not to mention we get nothing of our surrounding areas or any appearances or emotions of the characters within the scene. This is going to make this a bitch to read.
Anyway, here’s what I think it is happening. Lucifer, ignoring the fact that he is not a Greek deity, brings together other gods of the Greek Pantheon to discuss… eh… something…
Yeah, I can’t really follow it. The story isn’t written well enough for it to come together. Something about a snake and Zeus. I know Zeus once took the guise of a snake to impregnate a woman. But the only two children I could find (not being an expert on Greek mythology) with that kind of backstory are Dionysus and Zagreus.
I KNOW I’M NOT WORKING ON IT! I KNOW I NEED TO GET BACK TO IT! SHUT UP, YOU STUPID ELEPHANT!
… Sorry… got a little carried away there.
Point is, it certainly wasn’t Perseus.
"Hades don't you think Zeus has gone too much far? He even ordered you to use your poison to turn Artemis into a monster!" said Persephone.
Yeah, I don’t remember any myths on that one.
Okay, if I have to pick apart everything about the mythology of the Greek Pantheon being inconsistent, I’m going to be here all day.
Hades replies that the gods need the mortals to survive. Their prayers give them life and grant them their powers.
We then cut to
Outside of the Castle of Hades...
Where we see Lord Tirek. Well, good thing I finally watched season 4 then. As badass as he was, he’s still no Discord.
"Please let me go! Give me the third change! I won't let you and the Olympians down again!" said Tirek.
Change! You got change!
Well, he has the appearance of a homeless centaur. Official headcanon accepted.
"I know that you are the loyal priest of us. But... failed the job must have punishment!" said Lucifer.
Turns out Tirek was actually the guy who was supposed to bring doughnuts to the last meeting of evil beings. I’ve actually attended said meetings and they usually consist of a lot of whining.
"But at least, I didn't get hanged at the cliff for eternity like Scorpan and wait for the Giant Eagle to come
and eat a liver that just grow back after being eaten in yesterday by that Giant Eagle for eternity!" replied Tirek.
Pfft, that’s not the worst torture I can think of. I’d take getting my liver torn out of my body each day as opposed to reading this…
Yeah, I know it was easy, but how could I not?
"If you want that, I can do." said Lucifer.
"No! No! I don't!" said Tirek.
Wow, who knew that Tirek was a whiny little wimp?
Meanwhile in Canterlot at the Royal Palace...
We see Celestia being warned of Chrysalis’s arrival.
"Wake up Celestia! Wake up!" said A Voice and Celestia's open up her eyes and see Queen Chrysalis stands in front of her.
"Chrysalis! What're you doing here?!" asked Celestia.
I just came to tell you that I’ve impregnated your niece. I hope this won’t be awkward for us at Hearth’s Warming time.
Actually, Chrysalis is there for a warn.
Wait… a what?
"I'm here for a warn," said Chrysalis.
I think the word we are looking for is warning, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. And clearly, none of that went into this…
"As you see. Unlike subjects of mine, my Changelings still worship the family and other siblings of ours," said Chrysalis.
Wait, so your subjects worship the family and other siblings within them, but they don’t?
I really think that Autumn gave her one too many blows to the head and now she’s confused.
Even Princess Celestia doesn’t know what the hell to make of it.
"What're you talking about Chrysalis?!" asked Celestia.
Chrysalis warns that Zeus is pissed off because… reason? I don’t fucking know. It says it’s because ponies are abusing nature or some bullshit.
Chrysalis leaves after warning Celestia of … I don’t know… the British are coming. By the way, hope you enjoyed Chrysalis. She has absolutely zero to due with the plot afterwards. Was it really necessary to add her in just to get two more views?
We cut to the Everfree Forest where an evil serpent awakens that Celestia and Luna had defeated long ago. How do we know that?
"Daughters of Leto!" said Giant Snake that was once get killed by Celestia and Luna.
Turns out that Celestia and Luna are actually the daughters of the Joker from Suicide Squad.
We cut to Ponyville where…
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS FOREST ADVENTURERS!" shouted Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
Jesus, you little brats! Stop shouting!
We see the Cutie Mark Crusaders running through the Everfree Forest. No doubt trying to earn their Manticores TAMING cutie marks.
"Into the Everfree Forest!" said Scootaloo and she's run with her friends into the Everfree Forest.
"Well... how long we have to running?" asked Sweetie Belle.
Until you run out of this story. Believe me; I’d be doing the same thing.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders run into the python from earlier and are attacked.
Geez, it’s like running into a forest with dangerous wildlife with no adult supervision was stupid or something! Or does this story assume that ‘The Stare Master’ didn’t happen?
However, before the Crusaders can get away, the Python gobbles them up. This should be really sad and horrifying, but I can’t help but feel how silly this is.
"I already have in my mind!" said Python and he's open his mouth and swallow three of them whole.
Now, I just picture the snake is actually a blob like creature that sucks them into its blob like body with a slurping sound. What, the story doesn’t tell me what it’s doing, so I can assume whatever the hell I want. Except that I’m reading a good story.
Back in Ponyville, the Blob attacks the city and Rainbow Dash flies down to confront it. She attacks it, but apparently the Blob can breathe fire. Because.
Meanwhile in Canterlot: the Royal Palace...
Luna was getting ready for her midday swim.
They actually see what is going on in Ponyville and decide they need to come up with a plan to stop it. NEXT SCENE!
We cut back to Ponyville, because the scene in Canterlot was really necessary, where the Princesses join the fray. The Blob attacks them and slurps them up too. And … then the Blob turns to stone? What?!
"Daughters of Leto!" whispered Python and he's quickly jump toward to swallow them.
but then he's turn into stone and break apart and set Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo from its stomach.
Yeah… I don’t even know.
Discord then appears and says that he didn’t turn the Blob to stone. Well, thanks for that, story! I wasn’t thinking that Discord had anything to do with it since he wasn’t in the scene before, but I’m glad he appeared for this one part to explain that he had NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!
We then cut to the roof. Which roof, you might ask?
On the Roof…
"PHEW!" said Persephone and she's teleport herself back to the Underworld.
Well, that was unexpected. Not to mention I don’t even know what the fuck that is.
In the Underworld: Castle of Hades, in the Throne Room...
Persephone, Hades’s wife, tells Hades that she needed to save the mortals from the Blob creature and that Hades needs to explain that to Zeus. At this point, I’m so confused that I just stopped caring.
Few days later, On Mount Olympus...
Have I mentioned how much I enjoy seeing the time and place of each event and I can use them in my review, instead of actually typing?
So, the gods are holding a meeting about what to do about the ponies and Zeus says that he will keep causing plagues against the ponies until they learn to respect the gods. Yeah, let me know how that goes for you. Oh, by the way, Mr. Zeus, you have an appointment with your son, Kratos.
So, Lucifer and Hades appear, because I guess Lucifer decided to join the Greek gods for some reason, and they discuss what to do about Apollonia and Artemis. Which it turns out is actually Celestia and Luna respectively.
Meanwhile, at Canterlot, there is a big party being thrown in Celestia and Luna’s honor. And they wonder why I hate them so much. This should be a moment for the characters to develop, but we haven’t had any characterization yet, why should we start?
Oh, and Fleur De Lis is there. Hi, trophy wife… I mean… No, that’s what I meant.
"Hope that it don't have anything to do with my beauty that beautiful more than any mares!" said Fleur Dis Lee and then the red smoke are come through the windows and form up at the center of the room.
I want you to remember this part of the story. I’ll come back to it, I promise, but just keep it in mind.
The party gets attacked by Lucifer.
"I... am... Lucifer! Henchstallion of the Lord of the Underworld!" said Lucifer and everypony go shock when they heard this,
Pfft…. I’m sorry, but when I think of Lucifer, this image doesn’t exactly come to mind.
Lucifer attacks Fleur and the ponies fight him off to free her. After Lucifer releases Fleur, he explains that the gods are fet up with the ponies being disrespectful. How were they disrespectful?! You know what, I don’t care.
He threatens that a powerful serpent, Cetus, will destroy the land of Equestria if Twilight is not sacrificed…
Wait, what?!
"In 10 days... a week before the next Nightmare Night, at the Noon of the day! I will release Cetus, the Blue Serpent! Whole entire Equestria will go flooded for 430 years!
Many lives in Equestria will died, the survivors will remember this plague for rest of their lives and will not disobey the Olympians again! Unless…
you will sacrifice her to Cetus!" replied Lucifer and he's point to Twilight.
So, let me get this straight? Twilight needs to be sacrificed in order for the gods to be happy? WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SENSE DOES THAT MAKE?! Is it because she’s an alicorn?! If so, there is never any mention of the damn thing in the story!
Assuming that is the case, why do the gods care if Twilight is an alicorn or not?! Is there some reason that the gods don’t let ponies become alicorns?! Well, if that’s the case, then why the hell aren’t they going after Cadance?! She’s an alicorn too! Why the hell aren’t they wanting her to be sacrificed?!
And why the hell did they wait until Twilight was an alicorn princess before deciding that they didn’t respect them?!
And why Twilight of all ponies?!
In the original myth, the god, Poseidon is pissed off because Andromeda’s mother, Cassiopeia, claimed that she was more beautiful than the Sirens.
It was the vanity that caused the gods to be pissed off!
Even the Ray Harryhausen film got closer to the original myth!
In the movie, Cassiopeia boasted that her daughter was more beautiful than Thetis (a sea goddess) and she was pissed off at that.
This is following closer to the 2010 remake. In said remake, it was Hades that declared Argos be destroyed! Which makes no sense because it just shows Hades wants Argos destroyed because, "HE’S EVIL! LOL!" instead of actually having some character and personality!
Lucifer leaves revealing that Discord and the princesses are actually goddesses. The rest of the town is ‘shocked’ by this revelation.
"Princesses... who was that Red Alicorn that have Bat Wings?!" asked Applejack.
Typically we call them Mary Sues. In this story, we call them a very cliché villain that has no place in this story and is ultimately uninteresting.
"This is the truth Twilight, accepted it," said Discord.
For the hundredth time, Discord. Twilight hadn’t accepted it because she just found out! Why are you so stupid?!
So, Celestia and Luna explain that Lucifer created the giant serpent, Cetus, to be used against the Titans at the beginning of the universe.
Twilight allows herself to be sacrificed so that Equestria can survive, but the others ask if there is another way.
"I won't let you do that Twilight! After I married your brother, you're now my sister!" said Cadance.
Thanks, Cadance, for pointing that out. I’m sure Twilight couldn’t have figured that out without your glorious insight.
No wonder Mykan uses you as a punching bag.
After talking it over with her friends, Twilight asks Celestia if there is any way to save herself. Celestia explains that they have to make their way out to the land of Stygia Garden to find the four blind mares who would be able to tell them how to defeat the Kraken… I mean, the Cetus.
Celestia explains that they need to travel to Saddle Arabia to find the castle. Spike, who is now in this story, the main six, Shining Armor and several other nameless guards go with them. Including two griffins. I would bother to learn their names in an attempt to not sound racist against griffins, but honestly they play such a small role in this story, you’ll barely miss them.
Also, if it seems like I’m rushing through this, it’s because the story is so badly paced that it just jumps from one scene to the next without letting me take in a breath of air before the next jumbled mess is thrown at me.
The group goes on their quest and outside the palace, a unicorn named Prokopion, who has never appeared in this story until now, is plotting against Twilight. Why? Fuck if I know. The story doesn’t bother establishing this character before now, so honestly, I have no idea why this character hates Twilight so much. Maybe he’s one of those fans who hate Twilight solely because she is an alicorn.
We cut back to Canterlot where Celestia simply teleports the group to Saddle Arabia, because journeys are for squares. Though to be fair, it probably would have been less probable to say that ‘They made their long journey to Saddle Arabia and not much happened, yo dog."
Also, I’ve been quiet about this for a while now, but this reads less like a story from someone whose native language is English. With so many typos and grammar errors throughout the entire thing, I’m giving this story the benefit of the doubt that the writer’s native language is not English. And if that isn’t the case, I can’t say I’ve seen worse writing than this.
Anyway, Discord says that he knows exactly where the group is going in the vast deserts of Saddle Arabia and pulls out a map to get them where they need to go. Which begs the question: Why didn’t Celestia just teleport them there? A question that is echoed by the characters within the story itself.
"Umm... Princesses why don't you just teleport us straight to the place where those mares live?" asked Spike.
Spike was then stoned to death for one, being a part of this fan fiction and two, trying to bring sense and logic into it.
So, what’s Celestia’s rebuttal for Spike’s insolence?
"Just a mortal way," replied Celestia.
What the Flying Dutchman of a fuck of an explanation is that?! ‘Just a mortal way’? What the hell does that even mean?! Does it mean that they can only do it the way mortals do it?! Are only mortals able to talk to the mares?! Ugh, trying to make sense of this is only causing me to have a migraine, so let’s move on.
We then cut to the Underworld where our villains, the Horsemen of Apocalypse, are on the level of Mykan villains.
"I have a mission for you four," said Lucifer and Death and he's take a sip from a cup of tea.
"I love tea," said Death .
"Especially when it made from blood and lymph of the corpse of the mortal ponies," said War.
"Want some of finger rolls?" asked Pestilence and he's give his father a dish of finger rolls.
I think this is when the story realized it was writing shit and decided to just take the piss out of itself. Well, it’s not doing a very good job if that is the case. If it’s meant to be scary, it’s just stupid and silly.
Lucifer orders the Four Horsemen to attack Twilight and her group and gives them the Skeleton King to use as their ally.
We then cut to our heroes where they find an oasis and decide to rest after the 15 minutes of them walking through the desert. Celestia and Luna think they hear something and decide to go check it out.
"Well... so... do you girls know how to use the swords?" asked Draco.
"I have a bad feeling about this!"s aid Rarity when she's see the way that Draco looking at her and her friends.
How was Draco looking at her?
Oh, GOD!
Luna and Celestia search around to find that the Four Horsemen are attacking. And it turns out that Luna is Death’s cousin. Which by extension would make Celestia Death’s cousin too. And yet there is only mention of Luna as Death’s cousin. So… why is Death their cousin?!
And apparently, Death wants… wants Luna?! What?! EWWWWWW! EW EW EW EW EW EW!
God, Draco isn’t the only crazy fuck around here!
I mean, the Greek Pantheon wasn’t exactly known for the lack of incest, but … EW!
Death and the other horsemen summon their Skeleton King and force him to attack our heroes.
We have a battle… I think… between the Princesses and the Skeleton King. If it wasn’t a battle, I wouldn’t be surprised with how poorly executed these fights are. No matter what bad I said about My Little Avengers, at least their fight scenes were entertaining and well executed.
Meanwhile, the rest of the group is relaxing by the pool when suddenly they hear the battle between the princesses and the Skeleton King.
"Time to remember everything I teach you ladies now." said Draco.
Yeah, in the whole four minutes you taught them swordplay, I’m sure that will go over well.
Though to be fair, in the 2010 film, that’s all it took Perseus before he was a master swordsman. But even they took the bullshit explanation route of claiming "He’s a demigod, so it’s okay!"
And then our story tries to take piss out of itself by either being ironic or really stupid…
"What's a wonderful fight!" said Death and he's take a sip of his tea while he's watching his cousins fighting the Skeleton King.
FUCK YOU!
The others arrive and the Four Horsemen introduce themselves and… oh god…
"What the heck are you four?!" asked Applejack.
"We're the Four Horses of Apocalypse! Death..." replied Death.
"Pestilence..." said Pestilence.
"War..." said War.
"And the only one Famine!" said Famine.
… Oh, Jesus… He just turned the Four Horsemen… some of the most terrifying figures in mythology. … Into the Ginyu Force from Dragonball Z…
So, they battle the Skeleton King and manage to cut one of its hands off. The Skeleton King starts to flee after nearly being defeated, but our heroes are able to follow him. How you might ask?
"Okay split up. Following its blood." said Celestia.
"Blood? Did a living skeleton have blood inside its body?" asked Rainbow Dash.
Yes… Apparently, that is a thing now… It’s really hard to make fun of something that takes the piss out of itself.
The blood sinks into the desert sand and transform the local scorpions into giant flesh-eating scorpions.
Another fight scene ensues that I’m sure is supposed to be interesting. I realize I haven’t really detailed what the fight scenes look like yet, so here’s what they look like for this story as compared to something like Mare of Steel or Equestrylvania.
"WE FIGHT IT!" shouted Applejack and she's throw her rope to tie up its tail.
"ROARRR!"
"Rainbow Dash! Do something!" said Fluttershy.
"I'll give it a try!" said Rainbow Dash and she's fly behind the tail of a Scorpioch and punch at it.
"It's no use! It's skin is strong like a metal!" said Rainbow Dash.
"ROARRR!"
"Let me handle it!"Said Discord and he's transform himself into a Giant Meerkat and eat the Scorpioch whole.
"BRAAHH!"
"EWW!" said Spike and Rarity.
Yes, truly previous authors are glaring at this story with envious eyes at the depth and talent behind every action in these scenes! Or at least they would if this was ‘Upside Down Land.’
"AHHHHHHH!" screamed Phaedrus after he was get poke in the back by a sting from a tail of the Giant Scorpion.
I wish these damn scorpions would stop poking me! I don’t want to be a part of this stupid Facebook game!
They continue to fight the scorpions and I’m just blazing through this chapter as quick as I can, since the entire fight scene is pretty damn boring and uninteresting. It’s just sound effects, dialogue and only the vaguest sense of what is going on. There’s nothing there that describes the environment, force or anything else vital to an action sequence that gets the blood flowing.
It plays out more of listening to a little kid playing with his action figures, but only catching every other word.
Some of the characters die, but our main heroes (the ponies who actually have names) are safe, so nopony stops to mourn their deaths.
The group is then saved by robe wearing ponies called the Djinn.
"Burakatikamatashu! Kutamitakamatashu! Kumato-" said Djinn Leader to taming
the angry Scorpiochs while the other Djinns are arrive behind them.
Yeah… I have no idea what he’s saying here. I did try to look up a translation of what these words are, but I couldn’t find anything. There may be an actually language in here, but without the spacing it needs.
Considering the poor writing of English up to this point, I would not be all that surprised if that was the case.
After the fight, Princess Celestia and Luna pass out due to a bite they had received in the battle. The group argues back and forth whether they should pray to the gods to save the princesses. One side argues that they need the gods, while the others say “Screw them, they’re trying to kill Twilight, even though she didn’t do anything!”
We then cut to Mount Olympus and we find out the reason why Zeus is attacking Equestria. You ready? You really want to know what his reason is? Are you sure?
"They are still incomplete about their powers when they abandoned from Olympus!
Because of them that the Unicorns gained power to moving
the Sun and the Moon many thousands years ago! Made the Titans that are on our side
like Helios and Selene have no work to do!" replied Zeus.
That’s right! Zeus is pissed off at Celestia and Luna because they raise the sun and moon!
… … …
Oh no…
Zeus is a moron in this story! Not that’s he’s much better in actual mythology, but he’s really fucking dumb here. So, you’re pissed off because Celestia and Luna raise the sun and moon each day and that they don’t want to be called ‘goddesses’, but rather ‘princesses’.
At least, in the 2010 remake, the mortals tipped over a statue of Zeus in defiance AND tried to kill his son! That’s a Shakespearean character compared to this weak ass motivation! Yeah, I just called the 2010 piece of shit remake of ‘Clash of the Titans’ SHAKESPEARE compared to this fic! That’s how bad this is!
We cut back to the camp of the Djinn where Celestia and Luna’s condition worsen. The group tries to cure them, but they have no success. One of the Djinns tries to help Celestia and Luna, but the main six attack them, thinking that they mean them harm.
Which makes no sense, since they saw the Djinn save them from the Giant Murderous SCORPIONS! But, whatever…
The Djinn’s magic heals Celestia and Luna within seconds and they decide to team up with them.
"Together as one!" said Sheikh and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna nod to him as the agreement about team up.
Sorry… Wrong review…
Later…
I keep hoping that this line is actually the story telling us ‘Goodbye’ as opposed to a point in time.
No such luck I’m afraid.
Fluttershy asks Discord about how they were gods and why they would come to the mortal plane. Oh, this should be good.
Discord’s whole motivation for being mortal is to prove that he is better than his mother, Eris, the goddess of Chaos.
I would say this fucks with the mythology, but the movies and this fic have pretty much done that already.
Also, a piss poor reason for leaving your mother’s side. What kind of conflict did you two have?! Did she make you clean your room or something?!
"We saw it...," said Celestia.
"Saw what?"Asked Rarity.
Celestia: The Last Airbender Movie. … It was awful…
Celestia and Luna tell us that 1000 years ago, (which completely fucks up the MLP timeline, but hey, we haven’t tried to make anything consistent so far) they were two goddess known as Apollonia and Artemis.
In a flashback, Celestia and Luna are playing … a game? … I think… I don’t know… Let’s see if you can figure it out.
"WOO-HOO!" shouted Apollonia and Artemis (Celestia and Luna).
"You two should know that you can't win us!"Said Athena and Ares who are flying after them.
"The team that lose must be servants of another team for a day!" said Artemis.
"And that will be you two!" said Ares.
Jesus, is this story allergic to good action sequences?! If I show this story a good action sequence, would it bloat out and die?!
…
…
…
Here’s some action sequences!
A tad overkill, you say?! Trust me, when I say we’re even, you’ll think I’m way ahead!
So, they explain that during their time as goddesses, they would constantly see dreams of ponies suffering during a large winter.
And if you thought that the story was done shitting on the canon of the My Little Pony universe, you give this story far too much credit.
It turns out that during that massive winter, everypony died.
Yeah… Everypony. Everypony that was there was killed in the winter storm that occurred that was the basis for Hearth’s Warming. Interesting how that was never in the History of Equestria books I read. Oh, maybe because IT FUCKING DIDN’T HAPPEN!
Oh, and just to piss on even more mythology, the ponies apparently evolved into normal ponies.
I think. It says that the three tribes of ponies were gone forever. So, here’s the question that’s probably on everypony’s mind. If there are no more of the pony tribes, how the hell are there ponies walking around?!
I’m not going to get into a debate about evolution or the like. You believe in what you believe in and I’m not going to judge you.
But here’s the thing, this is based off Greek Mythology! Why not use the Greek Mythology route of how ponies were created?!
Hell, just throw in Prometheus while we’re at it! Why not?! We’ve already got enough pointless characters, and it would sure make more fucking sense than Lucifer and the Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
Urgh! Anyway, we cut back to Canterlot where ponies are building a shrine to sacrifice Twilight on. Sounds like most bronies to me.
Somehow, I always knew I was.
A group of gods descend from Mount. Olympus to give Cadance a chance to be free of the madness that is about to befall the town. Apparently, Cadance is a goddess… but not really…
Here… It’s too stupid for me to type in any other way…
"We adopted you from Apollonia to be as our second daughter when she's adopted you
from your foster mortal family when you just a little Pegasus. You are a Goddess now!
So, let me see if I’ve got all this down correctly…
Celestia adopted Cadance and then you adopted her from Celestia? How the hell does that work?! Did Celestia change her mind?! Or were the teenage years of Cadance really difficult?!
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! I HATE YOU, MOM!
Anyway, Cadance says that she’s not leaving her family and would rather suffer with them. I notice how she’s not making a deal with them to try and save her ‘sister in law’, which might I remind you, SHE FELT THE NEED TO POINT OUT TO EVERYONE THAT SHE IS HER SISTER IN LAW! But again… whatever…
We cut back to our heroes, where Celestia and Luna talk about the fate of King Bullion.
It turns out that King Bullion, the father of Princess Platinum for those who care, was cursed by Lucifer and the Four Horsemen into a werewolf. Well, I guess it would be ponywolf… I think…
Celestia and Luna find him and try to cure him, but they are unable to. Instead, they execute him. Yeah… Celestia and Luna … execute him… Because that was the only course of action apparently. Can’t contain him or restrain him or try another way for him to live in peace without bringing harm to others.
Nope, he has to die.
Our fucking princesses, fillies and gentlecolts.
I’m going to let you guys rant about why Celestia and Luna may or may not do that, and instead I’m going to rant about how this scene is really FUCKING STUPID!
Seriously, what was the point of this scene?! It never comes back later! It was never mentioned until now! And it doesn’t further anything about the characters except that maybe Celestia and Luna are as much assholes at the other gods!
I thought the point of making Celestia and Luna gods in this story was to make them more compassionate and show that they would rather die a mortal and show compassion and love rather than live a life as a god and be an absolute dick!
But that theory just got shot in the face by this dumbass sequence that has no reason for being in this story in the first place and ultimately, ONLY SERVES TO WASTE OUR TIME!
Dear lord, I hate this story!
So, anyway, after such a story, the group continues on their way to finding the four blind mares.
The Djinns (oh, yeah, forgot they were in this story) show the group their giant, murderous scorpions that they can now ride to where they need to go. This would be rather cool if there was anything remotely cool about it. But the scene is like all the others, telling!
The travel time is kind of nice though. Instead of all that pesky character development and other boring shit, we get this.
"In two days... we will reach to the Lair of the Mares of Diomedes Castle." said Discord.
In two days, they all go across the mountains and finally reach to the Stygia Garden.
I would say that the story is taking the piss out of itself again, but frankly, I think you have to know what you are doing first before that can happen.
The group arrives at the garden where the four mares are supposed to be, which is odd seeing how they describe a swamp, and the group argues with Discord about the name it should have been. When, thank God, Fluttershy remembers why they are all here in the first place.
"Umm... girls... we must go rescue Twilight from being eaten by a monster remember?" asked Fluttershy.
This is why Fluttershy is my favorite. She’s the only one with common sense!
They get into the castle which causes Fluttershy to lose her lunch because it is so bad. Well, to show everyone what kind of terrible place it was, I asked my friend, the artist, to paint a picture that would best fit the castle and this is what he came up with.
The four mares appear and the group asks them about Cetus and how to defeat it. The four mares demand payment and try to kill off Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Huh, I guess Pinkie Pie will know how Rainbow Dash felt.
The group manages to fight them off and Celestia and Luna threaten their crystal eye if they do not give up the information they desire.
God, something I just now noticed that this story has a problem with, is that it has too much action and yet at the same time, not nearly enough! This is actually rather fascinating! I’m not sure how this story accomplished this!
So, the four mares explain that the only way for their group to defeat Cetus is to find the head of Medusa, a gorgon with the power to change any creature to stone with her gaze. No matter how big and powerful.
Hell, not even Superman is immune to Medusa’s gaze.
… The Further Adventures of Superman. Look it up.
So, since the four mares tell them that Medusa isn’t into help ponies, they decide that the only way to get Medusa to cooperate with them is to cut her head off. Yeah, because, that makes sense. Though to be fair, it was in the original myth, so I’ll cut the story some slack. Heh… puns.
They leave, with the four mares yelling that their mission is a waste of time. Yeah, tell that to Twilight Sparkle. And the only thing wasting our time is this stupid story.
After they leave, several of the Djinn and those two griffins who insisted on joining them leave. God damnit! Why did they have to leave?! All I wanted was to see them horribly murdered by one of the most terrifying beings in mythology!
Oh, well… At least I have plenty of other victims.
As they travel on, they are eventually set upon by Hades and Zeus. They both explain how they want what is best for their daughters and that they won’t listen to them. Maybe the bad teenage years weren’t just limited to Cadance.
Celestia: Mom! Luna, spit gum in my hair!
Luna: I did not!
Celestia: Did too!
Luna: Did not!
Celestia: Did too!
"We will give you all one change only!" said Zeus.
We want Twilight not to die.
Zeus: … Huh… I didn’t think this one through…
The group continues on their quest after rejecting Celestia and Luna’s father’s offer and they find themselves at the gates of Tartarus where they will be taken to the lair of Medusa.
Unbeknownst to them, the Skeleton King, I guess he’s in this story still, is following them.
They get to the gates and are ferried off by the Charon (Kharon also works) to the ruins where Medusa lies.
While on their journey, Discord tells them about Medusa and how she became what she is.
I’ll give this story credit. It did manage to keep the mythology of Medusa completely in tact. It’s just a shame that rape had to be involved in order to get it right! But whatever, the point is, after Medusa’s backstory is revealed, the group prepares themselves to fight.
However, it is revealed that mares cannot enter the temple, why they can’t is beyond me. Does the magical energies around the temple check for vaginas? But stallions (and apparently Dragons and Draconequus(eses?)) can enter.
Oh, by the way, thanks for teaching the girls how to wield a sword, story! The mission would have failed if the girls didn’t know how! … It’s not sexist, it’s pointless since for the mission THAT THEY ARE ON can’t be completed by women!
And here’s another thing, WHY DID CELESTIA AND LUNA INSIST ON COMING ALONG IF THEY KNEW THIS?!
But… again… What… the fuck… ever...
The stallions, Spike and Discord enter the tomb of Medusa and hunt her down. However, Medusa uses her familiarity with the tomb to peck off members of the party one by one. A fight ensues with many of the characters dying before they even spot Medusa. Oh, how tragic or something…
The remaining stallion, Discord and Spike think up a plan to distract Medusa, which doesn’t make sense since Discord could snap his fingers and make Medusa’s eyeballs disappear. In fact, you could probably argue that Discord could wiggle his pinkie and destroy the Cetus or turn him into a bowl of pudding or something.
So, the last of the heroes are killed after their plan fails and Discord is knocked out, leaving only Spike to face Medusa alone. And in a rare moment for Spike, he actually becomes a badass.
Of course, with Spike having cut off the head of Medusa, what’s the first thing he should do?
"Behold... head of Medusa!"
Didn’t think that one through, did you, Spike?
Okay, that didn’t really happen… But it should have…
When they arrive back with the group, the Skeleton King attacks the group and tries to kill them. However, Discord is able to sacrifice himself to defeat the Skeleton King. Even though he’s a god and it shouldn’t matter, but whatever. The story doesn’t care, neither do I.
They leave Discord to die and they quickly travel back to Canterlot to try and save Twilight.
Meanwhile on Mount Olympus…
Lucifer explains to Zeus that the mortal’s time is up and that Twilight is being dipped in barbecue sauce for the creature that is to devour her. Okay, that really didn’t happen, but honestly, it would make this a lot more entertaining.
"Unleash Cetus, the Blue Serpent!" said Zeus.
Meh… It’s no “Release the Kraken.”
Come on, you guys knew it was coming.
We cut to Ponyville where the nearby lake (yes, the mythical beast resides in a lake) Cetus appears and I guess makes the water more … salty?
In the meantime, the water of the Saddle Lake had become more salty and its start to grow larger and larger. The water had start to invading
I wonder if Cetus is made of salt then? If so, everypony could solve the problem by eating the bastard.
Back in Canterlot, the one pony who had a grudge against Twilight (yeah, remember him) gathers some followers and captures Twilight so she can be sacrificed.
They tie Twilight to the shrine and await the creature to gobble her up. Turns out Twilight Sparkle doesn’t taste all that good. Needs more salt.
Okay, like the movie, Celestia and Luna arrive to battle the Kraken … I mean, Cetus, using the head of Medusa.
Oh, after a chase scene and a pointless scene of Lucifer rubbing his victory into the Greek God’s faces. Just to pad out this dumbass story.
After killing the Cetus and saving Twilight, Celestia and Luna banish Lucifer to the Underworld. Funny, I didn’t know Celestia was Michael.
After the battle, Zeus appears and gives his daughters another chance to live the life of gods, but Celestia and Luna state that their answer is the same. Hades appears as well and asks Luna forgiveness for turning her into Nightmare Moon.
OH! So that’s what happened! Oh, good! I thought it was a story about how jealousy and bitterness can tear even the strongest relationships apart and how being blind to the hurt of others and being consumed by the limelight can hurt those you love! I’m so glad we simplified that story to a “I turned her into a demon” story!
FUCK! YOUR! SHIT!
Our story finally ends with Discord, somehow being alive, despite them not saying that he was going to die, even though it makes no sense… OH FUCK IT!
This story is shit!
A lot of the problems I have with this story also come from the movie itself, but rather than trying to fix any of said problems, this story instead insists on adding a whole nother truckload of problems.
The characterization in this is beyond embarrassing. The characters are barely entities and barely have personalities. The new characters that are introduced are basically blank slates, some of them are so pointless that you wonder why they are even in this story.
There is a reason why I named almost none of them. It is because they are completely interchangeable and ultimately this story didn’t need them, since it had no intention of developing them, despite how involved they were in the story.
The My Little Pony characters aren’t much better, with them barely having any components of their personalities in the story. I could barely tell that any of the characters in this story was supposed to be the ones from the show.
The changes to the mythology felt completely unnecessary as well as involving freaking Lucifer in all this. Was it too hard to look up another Greek Deity who happened to not be doing some good things or did it take too much imagination to try and come up with a motive for a pre-existing god?
The action scenes were poor since they tell us little about what is going on. The descriptions are atrocious, the villains laughably dull or over the top silly, which really doesn’t match the rest of the tone of the story. And a lot of the points that come into this story never amount to anything.
Remember when I said to remember Fleur De Lis and what she said. Admit it, you forgot she was even in this story, didn’t you?
And she was the character who made the big speech about how much more beautiful she was than anything else!
Why the hell was she even there if you were going to try and sacrifice Twilight Sparkle?! Was it because Fleur felt too much like an asshole and Twilight would be more sympathetic?! Which again, makes no fucking sense!
What about King Bullion turning into a ponywolf?! Yeah, that fucking went somewhere, didn’t it?!
And the pony that hated Twilight?! What was his story?!
Overall, it feels like this story got overambitious. It wanted to topple gods, but it flew too close to the sun. It felt like the story was trying to do too much and show off as a result and as such, it makes the story feel cluttered and half of it pointless.
Between the bad writing, bad characters, bad plot, and countless pointless scenes and characters, this story deserves a one way trip to Tartarus.
Have a good day, guys.
Who wouldn't be?
NO! Death/Pool OTP!
OH good, this kind exposition should be really interesting ESPECIALLY this late in the story.
THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT MYTHOLOGY!
Welcome back.
Oh dear, I think we broke Computer... here's something cute to cheer her up:
Also, the last review is still mostly bold.
On to the review. I read this earlier, and it hurt. Let's go into why:
Shots fired!
It was too much trouble to just pick Charon? Even I kind of got that right.
Well, I've been having slow days at work; might make for a nice change.
What'd Chester do that got him sent to Pony Hell?
So... kind of like the Terror Square, and Tirek is Unalaq?
I can think of a few other painfully bad stories.
CAPTAIN PLAAAAAANEEEEEEET!!!!
Wait, if Celestia and Luna killed the snake... does that mean it's a zombie?
That's what I was aiming for...
That makes two of us...
I'll take none for $600
I believe it was because the mortals were doing their whole "We are the gods now", but it's been five years since I've seen that movie so...
Also, when it rains, heh heh, people get wet.
A recurring theme in many badfics.
Story: Because REASONS!!!
His last word was reportedly "Bang!"
Death: I ACTUALLY PREFER CURRY.
Death: I'M NOT QUITE SURE MYSELF. i TEND TO AVOID SIGNING LITTLE BITS OF PAPER.
I'd post something from Mare of Steel, God Empress of Ponykind, or Kyoshi Rising as a counter, but then we'd be here all day.
Truly.
...
...
Where's my Battle Barge? I need to Exterminatus this bullshit!
Eh, I'll let it pass.
Here's some more!
I actually had an idea for an origin story for Cadence that involved Celestia essentially adopting her... It never got off the ground, sadly
Instead of, say SPOILERS CONCERNING GOD EMPRESS?
Well, that story sucked.
3068408
Saying that Transformers 4 was the greatest thing he's ever seen in his life.
Captain Planet! He's our hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero!
No, please! Post something from those stories! I want to read those action sequences!
I've always held the head canon that Luna made a choice. Now you can manipulate her or lie to her, but in the end, it all comes down to Luna making a choice. She made a poor decision and has to deal with those consequences. I hate it when stories try to make it not Luna's fault that she became Nightmare Moon, because it totally undermines everything that make Luna cool.
But that's just my opinion on that. You are free to write or like whatever you choose.
3068730 Very well
Here's a link to chapter 25 of Kyoshi Rising; it involves an Agni Kai between the fire Lord and the Avatar. Hope you find it satisfying