Review of "For Cranky"

I shouldn't really be surprised that a one-off sight gag inspired so much interest, given this fandom. But the fact that there are now two stories in the Featured Box about that darling little changeling sitting at the back of the wedding in Episode 100 piqued my interest. So I wrote a review of one of them, Lunar Samurai's "For Cranky".

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The plot is pretty simple. Our changeling pal, who I’ll name “Jim” for the purposes of reviewing this story—he/she/it isn’t named—is showing his gratitude to Cranky for saving his life “so many years ago in that frozen pass” by showing up to his wedding, no matter what the people of Ponyville think of him.

Okay, fair enough. I’d like to hear more about what brings a changeling and a itinerant donkey trader to the same frozen pass, but that’s not the story, so let’s move on.

Jim isn’t an especially interesting narrator, and I’m not sure if the sort of urbane blandness the author attributes to him is intentional.

The opening line is a perfect example of this:

As I stood outside of Ponyville on that fateful day, I quickly began to realize how much of a predicament I had put myself in.

The general concept is a reasonably good place to start. “I’m in trouble” is never a bad angle for an en media res. But it’s stated so lackadaisically. There’s no hook; no interesting turn of phrase, no original narrative voice, no striking detail. This is, unfortunately, something of a trend.

The lackluster narration especially jarring when it comes to emotions. I am not the best person to lecture about “show, don’t tell,” but in this case it really would be a good idea. We’re given an awful lot of interior monologue, but most of the emotional description doesn’t even rise to the level of stage directions.

Let’s take the line “My eyes filled with tears of fear” as an example. It’s better than most of the reportage of Jim’s inner life in that it makes a headnod towards, yes, “showing not telling,” but worse in that after stating that Jim’s getting a little weepy, it then immediately clarifies that it’s because he’s afraid.

Better to just leave out the bullshit and tell us “I was scared.” Let’s move on to something a bit better.

I turned back to the forest, that place that had given me shelter through the final stretch of my journey. It was safe, secure, and I knew that despite how wild it was, it accepted me as another animal in its midst.

I do have to give Mr Samurai some points for this passage, because it’s a cool (if not breathtakingly original) piece of imagery and manages to tell us a good deal about Jim’s emotions and Jim himself without being tediously obvious. It’s probably one of the better pieces of writing in the entire piece.

Unfortunately, it’s ruined a few lines later with this:

“My gaze drifted to the forest, but it had changed. Instead of being welcoming, it was the symbol of my defeat.”

Okay, kids, symbolism is not like fighting moves in anime. It does not work especially well when you announce it.

The story wanders along from there. Jim has a brief encounter with a terrified Scootaloo, runs into an unfriendly town watchman, goes into town (where he’s the target of less-than-casual pony racism, because of course he is), and makes it to a hazily described wedding.

At this point I do have to give points to Mr Samurai for the interaction between Jim and Cranky, because it’s beautifully understated. This is not sarcasm: I genuinely thought that it was a good take on the situation, with Cranky solidly in character and Jim showing some for a change.

The ending is pretty pro forma, but is surprisingly satisfying, with Jim walking away into the sunset (and the Everfree Forest), having done what he came to do.

Some final thoughts: I know I spent a lot of time reviewing Samurai’s style, and not favorably, but there are a couple of extenuating factors in his favor. First, I’m a style editor and that’s what I do. Second, this story started as a Reddit comment, and that particular format is not well-suited for doing subtle narration.

There are definite hints of a good story here. I just mentioned this, but it’s worth pointing out again: Samurai really handles the interaction between Jim and Cranky well. Their dynamic has a certain gruff charm to it and it’d be nice if the story had been more about that and less about Jim worrying.

But overall, I can't recommend "For Cranky".

Comments

[The Lunar Samurai]

You definitely bring up some very interesting points. I agree that in the show vs tell spectrum this did definitely fall short. Stylistically, I'm going to be the 1st person to admit this is not my best story. That is mainly due to the fact that I wasn't necessarily writing the story with the intent of it getting featured (something which I'm still trying to understand).

As you said the story was written as a challenge from reddit, and consequently, it is not necessarily the most well thought out plot. I simply took an angle on this little guy is life and decided to try and flush it out a bit. I wasn't shooting for a Magnum Opus or anything along the lines of extraordinary.

That being said, I do believe that you have some very valid points. Since this is coming to the public eye, I have been forced to make several revisions to its original content simply because I do not want a featured product to reflect poorly on my behalf.

I thank you for your commendation of interaction between cranky and the changeling. It isn't a spectacular one to say the least but it seems to indicate there is a lot more going on just beneath their discussion.

Oh, and regarding the snow pass incident... I do plan in the near future to write that as well. If people really enjoy the story that much, then I can put a lot more time and dedication into the next knowing that I have an audience.

Thanks for the review, I think you're pretty spot on. You pointed out some really good things me to look into in terms of my style and I really do appreciate that. I may be a good writer but that doesn't mean there is and lots of room for improvement. I appreciate you putting this much time into reviewing my story. Your criticism has not fallen on deaf ears.