Friendship is Card Games: Putting Your Hoof Down · 11:39am Jul 19th, 2015
The midseason hiatus has begun, and so I turn back the clock to the oldest episode I haven’t done yet in this, my 250th blog. As a reminder, everything else can be accessed from the FiCG index page, which is always available from my user page. Now, let’s get assertive
Wow. I know it’s a cartoon, but still, that box of pet food is demonstrably bigger on the inside. Commercially applied space magic at its finest. Just don't tear the box...
This episode dealt a one-two punch to my headcanon. The one was domestically abusive Angel Bunny. The two we’ll get to in a bit. Still, I miss the harsh but helpful Angel from “A Bird in the Hoof,” or "Ponyville Confidential," for that matter.
Speaking of, market day is surprisingly cutthroat in Ponyville. At least, it is when you’re Fluttershy. Produce is serious business, though that doesn’t preclude the “rabbit season/duck season” gag.
It is interesting to see the show demonstrate that the Elements of Harmony aren't unambiguously good things. Yes, they're part of good friendships, but outside of that context, they are highly exploitable traits. Most of them are exploitable in the exploited, Magic in the exploiter, and Laughter as a distraction for less pleasant actions, the circuses of panem et circenses.
It’s interesting that it’s Rarity and Pinkie showing Fluttershy how to assert herself, but it does make sense. Those two are the most socially adept members of the Mane Six. Dash can assert herself, yes, but it’s usually unmodulated and unhelpful in a commercial context. Applejack could probably coach Fluttershy from a seller’s perspective, but given the constant financial woes of Sweet Apple Acres, it’s questionable whether she’d be able to offer much help here. And Twilight? Well, maybe if Fluttershy were book shopping…
(And it’s also interesting to note that going by my usual pony-color associations, those two are blue and black, the colors diametrically opposed to the “live and let live” philosophy that’s getting Fluttershy trampled underhoof, and the ones best suited for mind games.)
Ah, wing hands. I like wing hands. They’re a neat demonstration of the pan-pony capacity for tactile telekinesis in a pegasus-specific context. Watching Fluttershy try to flirt and haggle, on the other hand, is almost painful. To say nothing of drawing attention to the imperfection in the salad that Angel hadn’t even noticed. 
Seriously, Fluttershy, let the rabbit starve. If he refuses to eat, that’s his choice. He’ll come begging for help when he doesn’t get his way. Tough love, girl… though I suppose it’ll take a bunch of extraplanar fae ponies to teach her that one.
Iron Will doesn’t just offer pamphlets. He offers pop-up pamphlets. That is hilarious, but I’m not sure how it works.
Also, another “Celestia as my witness” line, to go with the one from "Sisterhooves Social." Probably just a common turn of phrase. You’d think petsitting for Celestia would lessen the awe a bit... though watching a phoenix reform is pretty awe-inspiring.
Ah, Iron Will, the two of that one-two punch. The existence of minotaurs poked a hole in the "no hands allowed" morphic field restriction for my crossover stories. I've since revised it to "no humanoids," using the Dungeons & Dragons definition of the term. Thus, humans, elves, dwarves, ogres, giants, goblins, kithkin, merfolk, et. al. get shifted into some ungulate form for their stay on Equestria. Minotaurs, leonin, ainok, nagas, and so forth don't. I'm still undecided on satyrs; do I turn them into goats, leave them as is, or do something similar to Tirek or Rainbow Dash Presents and convert the human part into a different primate?
Also, sapient goats are a thing. I’m pretty sure you can’t train a creature to be a lighting technician without it having roughly human-level intelligence. They just don’t speak Equish. They may not be physically capable of doing so.
Fluttershy has the most adorable descent into tyranny ever. Though she could’ve flown over those garbage carts.
Remember, folks, no longer using first-person pronouns is a major warning sign. Just look at Trixie.
Beyond the obvious question of the utility of horse-drawn taxis in a society of horses, why would Ponyville of all places have taxi service? It’s not exactly the biggest town on the map.
Tsk. Such sloppy service in the Equestrian postal service. No wonder there are more successful private couriers. (cough 
cough)
And then New Fluttershy gives voice to all of the little resentments she’s been too polite to mention. Until now. That’s the thing about the Bearers. They all have the capacity for their opposites. Twilight was friendless, Rarity can be covetous, Dash is flighty at times, Applejack can sculpt the truth like Michelangelo, and Pinkie is devastatingly insecure under all the layers of protective mental frosting. And Fluttershy, when she wants to, can target cruelty with laser-like accuracy.
And, of course, this leads to the sad walking-away music from “The Incredible Hulk.” You won’t like Fluttershy when she’s angry. She certainly doesn't.
Either Pinkie, Rarity, and Iron Will all waited months to talk to Fluttershy, the plants around the cottage are psychotropic and respond to the prevailing mood, or Mr. Greenhooves was doing more for Fluttershy than she realized.
Pinkie is understandably confused by Iron Will’s thumbs up. How could something other than a party pony fathom the truth of their reality?
I’m not really sure why it’s so imperative that Fluttershy not pay Iron Will. Rarity says “she’s in no condition to deal with” him, but I’m not seeing the crisis here. Maybe it’s me.
Best not to ask where Iron Will was keeping that basket. Though it’s possible that minotaur magic works well when creating dimensional pockets at ninety degrees to reality. That may explain the grin at the fourth wall as well. I wonder if he’s ever wrestled a Hound of Tindalos…
Ah, yes, the peril of “satisfaction guaranteed.” Satisfaction is a highly subjective term, after all.
Oh, right, or the Stare. The Stare would’ve also been a way to get Angel to behave, though I suppose there’s always the possibility of resistance through overexposure.
In all, a fun episode that introduced a new fantastic species to Equestria and gave an important message of balance, though at the cost of some of Ponyville's idyllic charm. It seemed like such a nice town...
In any case, have some cards:
Pink Punch 1W
Instant
You gain 5 life. If you control a black or red permanent, you gain 10 life instead.
Pinkie’s recipes taste best to those who best know how to enjoy themselves.
Iron Will's Entourage 2W
Creature — Goat Minion
Vigilance
They stand ready for whatever task the boss has to do to please the ridiculous creatures that are ponies. Iron Will respects them like few others do, and he gives them all the ties they can eat.
1/4
Valley Pegasus 3W
Creature — Pegasus Rogue
Flash
Flying
If an opponent controls a Mountain and you control a Plains, you may cast Valley Pegasus without paying its mana cost.
2/1
Seeker of the Meek 4W
Creature — Goat Scout
When Seeker of the Meek enters the battlefield, if you cast it from your hand, search your library for a non-Goat creature card with power 2 or less, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
He finds those most in need of Iron Will’s methods.
2/2
Blossomsoaker 2U
Creature — Pony Citizen
2U: Tap target land.
”Trust me. I’m a professional.”
2/2
Gangly Chimericist 2U
Creature — Pony Rigger
Assemble 3 (3: Put a colorless Contraption artifact token onto the battlefield. Assemble only any time you could cast a sorcery.)
Contraptions you control have "X: This artifact becomes an X/X Construct artifact creature until end of turn. (It's still a Contraption.)"
1/2
Curse of Seclusion 2BB
Enchantment — Aura Curse
Enchant player
At the beginning of enchanted player’s upkeep, if that player controls two or more creatures, he or she sacrifices a creature.
Fluttershy let Angel Bunny secure her to the chair. No one else could be trusted near her.
Skilled Haggler 1R
Creature — Pony Rogue
T: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, spells you cast this turn cost 1 less to cast. Otherwise, spells you cast this turn cost 1 more to cast.
”One reason Barnyard Bargains was founded was to bring some order to the chaos of commerce.”
—Filthy Rich, business-stallion
1/1
Feminine Wiles 1RR
Sorcery
Untap target noncreature permanent. Gain control of it until end of turn.
”Could I see that for just a moment, you hunk of a stallion, you?”
—Rarity, Bearer of Generosity
Guaranteed Satisfaction 1RR
Enchantment
Whenever a spell you cast is countered, add that spell’s mana cost to your mana pool. (Mana cost includes color. A targeted spell with no legal targets is countered on resolution.)
“Everyone likes money-back guarantees, which means not as many will ask for it back.”
—Iron Will, master motivator
Awakened Fury 2R
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +3/+3, loses defender, and attacks each turn if able.
Beware the quiet ones, especially when they become loud ones.
Continual Condemnation 2R
Enchantment
When Continual Condemnation enters the battlefield, draw a card.
Damage can’t be prevented.
”Never apologize when you can criticize.”
—Iron Will, master motivator
Assertive Slam 3R
Instant
Assertive Slam deals 2 damage to each blocking creature.
”When somepony tries to block, show them that you rock!”
—Iron Will, master motivator
Ad Hominem 3RR
Sorcery
Ad Hominem deals damage to target player equal to the damage already dealt to him or her this turn.
”…and you’re ugly!”
Inspiring Catchphrase 4R
Instant
Attacking creatures get +2/+0 until end of turn.
Draw a card.
Iron Will’s mantras of self-improvement were adapted from minotaur war cries.
Iron Will, Master Motivator 4R
Legendary Creature — Minotaur Advisor
T: Until end of turn, other creatures you control get +1/+0 and gain first strike, trample, and haste. Those creatures attack this turn if able. Activate this ability only on your turn before attackers are declared.
”Seize the day. By the throat, if you have to.”
3/3
Cheering Crowd 1G
Creature — Pony
Whenever a player casts a spell with converted mana cost greater than Cheering Crowd’s power, put a +1/+1 counter on Cheering Crowd.
”The audience is an ever-hungering beast. You must feed it spectacle after spectacle, and it will never be satisfied.”
—Trixie Lulamoon, traveling performer
1/1
Refuse Haulers 2GG
Creature — Pony Citizen
Whenever Refuse Haulers attacks, put target card in a graveyard on the bottom of its owner’s library.
It’s generally best not to ask what’s in a pony trash wagon.
4/3
Hungering Horde 3G
Creature — Beast
As Hungering Horde enters the battlefield, you may sacrifice any number of artifacts and/or enchantments. Hungering Horde enters the battlefield with that many +1/+1 counters on it.
Most of Fluttershy’s animals will happily eat anything put in front of them.
3/3
Wandering Tourist 3G
Creature — Pony Scout
Whenever Wandering Tourist attacks, reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a land card. Put that card onto the battlefield tapped and the rest on the bottom of your library in a random order.
The journey becomes the destination.
2/2
Knock to the Back Row WU
Instant
Return target creature to its owner’s hand. That player can’t cast spells with that creature’s name this turn.
”I have nothing to teach the ones in the front.”
—Iron Will, master motivator
Cutting Remark BR
Sorcery
Cutting Remark deals 2 damage to target player. That player discards a card.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words leave scars that haunt you.
Finicky Tastes 1(gu)
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature can’t be the target of spells that don’t share a color with it or of abilities from sources that don’t share a color with it.
Angel Bunny’s palate is more refined than most of Ponyville’s
That would make great flavour text, actually. Probably paired with a picture of her looking at the mirror, being upset by the realization that she was being a bitch.
So, are all of the FiCG designs top down, or are there any that you designed before adding the FiM flavor to them?
Finicky Tastes: Angel Bunny's colors are quite boring. Did you want palate, or are you trying for a pun here? The pun might be better if you worked both words into the flavor text.
Knock to the Back Row: How about this?
Return target creature to its owner’s hand. That player can’t cast creature spells with that creature’s name this turn.
It depends on what you want to happen when the creature returned is, say, an animated artifact, animated land, or token creature.
Cheering Crowd: Would this be better with an intervening if clause? The game play would be slightly different.
Whenever a player casts a spell, if its converted mana cost is greater than Cheering Crowd’s power, put a +1/+1 counter on Cheering Crowd.
Valley Pegasus should say "without paying its mana cost". Compare to Submerge:
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There are a few I've slipped in where appropriate, but the vast majority are made after watching (or, as in this case, rewatching) the episode.
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Ugh. That one always trips me up. While intentionally going for the pun is possible, I think I'll just stick with what I meant.
Finicky Tastes:
Knock to the Back Row: Honestly, I'm okay with it as is. Though it does lead to an interesting interaction when you bounce an Illusion token.
Cheering Crowd: Again, okay with it as is. If nothing else, it keeps the stack cleaner.
Valley Pegasus:
You type out "converted mana cost" enough times and you start putting in the first word automatically. Thanks for the catch.
Converted Mana Crusaders: Legendary Creatures, yay!
Tirek, Spike and Discord all have hands (well, in Spike and Discord's cases it's "claws that might as well be hands"). But yeah, minotaurs are a bit more humanoid than I thought the show would go.
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Seeker of the Meek: Being able to tutor utility creatures and gain card advantage is pretty good, though this guy is really expensive by tutor standards.
Skilled Haggler: Oh, that looks cool. If you win the flip you can cast a bunch of cheap spells (or afford something out of reach), and if you lose you can just play one big spell. (Or wait and play instants on your opponent's turn).
Guaranteed Satisfaction: Interesting. Doesn't seem reliably useful unless you have multiple expensive-looking spells and intentionally bait them with the less important one (meaning the one you needed waits an extra turn if they don't counter).
Ad Hominem: Cast after an attack phase and goblin grenade to put some serious hurt on. (Though JUST goblin grenade only turns this into Lava Axe).
Iron Will, Master Motivator: Yikes that's powerful. First strike, trample and a power boost. Then again, you're paying for it.
Cheering Crowd: Oh, I like this one too! Very cool for green.
Knock to the Back Row: I like the flavor text for this one.
Cutting Remark: Pretty decent, actually. Discard decks always run the risk of running out of opponents' cards, but this triggers on-discard effects without much likelihood of being wasted (or a dead draw).
The problem that I see is that we're dealing with somepony who thought that she WAS a horrible brute for.....wait for it......reminding her fellows she existed.
Hum, I'm not sure what is more more balanced on Gangly Chimericist; the Contraptions becoming Chimeric Staffs like you currently have it or turning them into something akin to Chimeric Coils instead.
"X: This artifact becomes an X/X Construct Contraption artifact creature until end of turn. Sacrifice it at the beginning of the next end step"
And you can just have it make itself a Contraption again, cutting out some reminder text.
I think you could safely add "gains haste" to Awakened Fury. Though I'm not sure how much "cost" losing Defender would add to a card, it is not something they do very often.
Hum that's odd. I copy-paste the "Damage can’t be prevented" line from under Continual Condemnation into Gatherer's Rules text search and it turns out no results. But then I copy the "Damage can't be prevented" line from the Gatherer page of Everlasting Torment and paste that into Gatherer's Rules text search and it turns out 16 results.
No extra spaces, no off spelling, not adding in the period. Not sure why that's happening.
Anyways, the above Everlasting Torment was the first thing I thought of, followed by Leyline of Punishment. Both of which prevent life gain as well as prevention of damage prevention, with something additional above it. I'm thinking the prevention of life gain "costs" a bit more than the prevention of damage prevention, from looking at the other that that also prevent damage prevention, but I'm not really sure.
What I'm really trying to say here is I'm not sure if cantripping is worth that much, I'd fell pretty safe costing Continual Condemnation at 1R.
Oh, hey, Cheering Crowd has one of the old forms of Evolve. I think this was the Blue version but it's been so long I don't remember. I'm rather sure the current version, adding in toughness, was the Green version of it.
I love the flavor text of Cutting Remark. It's a decent card as well.
Iron Will's flavor text sounds like something Cave Johnson would say.
And now I'm imagining the two of them in the same room. It is amazing and terrible
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I think the apostrophe in "can't" is straight in one and curly in the other.
She must have spent all her disposable income on that salad...