" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 22: Tales From The Critics! · 8:51pm Nov 1st, 2015
A Non-Tim Burton Picture
The Cynical Brony Presents
SORCERERJUICE
The Monsters
(A lighter illuminates the darkness)
???: We unleashed something terrible on October 31st, 2015: A demon
(The light grows brighter, revealing Earth)
???: The demon took hold of one Sorcerer M. Crainus, an old friend and rival of mine.
(Light grows so large that it engulfs the miniature Earth)
???: Through three trials, I would work to remove those demons. These are…
Tales From The Critics!
Narratorer : Ha ha ha! No. I am your Narraroter! What? Sorcerer? Narrator? And I have a story that will scare you so much ALL OF YOU WILL CRAP YOUR PANTS! HA HA!
Reader proceed with caution
You are heading into a coffin
(Panning shots of the Satellite as well as Equestria follow)
Sorcerer: Hey, Nighty?
Nighty: Yes?
Sorcerer: Maybe I could...you know...go outside? Like outside the satellite without your er...supervision?
Nighty: No.
Sorcerer: What!? Why!?
Nighty: Because, letting you free upon the world...well it just wouldn't do.
Sorcerer: What? But I was fine last time!
Nighty: Last time is the reason you're staying here!
Sorcerer: Alright. Name your price. Anything! I will do any accomplishable feat!
Nighty: Marry a pony that's not me.
Sorcerer: I said an accomplishable feat.
Nighty: Exactly. You'll never leave this satellite except with my supervision and that's how it's going to stay.
Sorcerer: Hm...what if I do a little business?
Nighty: As long as someone's watching you, I don't care.
(Meanwhile)
Officer: Alrighty, Mr. Cynical, we just need to do a quick examination of your warehouse as agreed to in your plea deal with the Princess, and we’ll be out’a your mane.
Cynical: Of course, officers. But of course, you won’t find anything of note…
(Because you morons can’t find anything I smuggle…)
*Cynical turns on the TV, leading the officers through the building)
(At the same time)
Rainbow Dash: I can’t believe I have be the one who has to check Cynical’s boring old warehouse. How much stuff can a single pony have?! Wait… what’s this?
(Rainbow glides down to a box labeled “Operation: Solar Burst”)
Rainbow: Huh? Where’ve I heard that name before…
TV Announcers: Once again, the self-proclaimed “Great Thief Of Manehattan” has struck, this time managing to steal a new weapon for the Royal Guard, commonly referred to as “Operation: Solar Burst”, with new evidence pointing to the theory that the Great Thief actually bribed Sargent Flash Sentry, the commander of the transport through Manehattan. He denies involvement, but has been taken into questioning.
Rainbow: Ha! Seems like you’re not as smart as you think, Cynical! I’d better get that detective over here! Hmm?
(Rainbow Dash picks a small note)
Rainbow: “With the commander paid off, the only risk here is the examination. I’ll have to mask the magical aura somehow…” hmm… this might come in handy.
(Rainbow flies off with the box, traveling to the entrance)
Cynical: I believe that’s all of it. Have you found any reason to suspect me, officers?
Officer Gumshoe: No, sir…
HOLD IT!
Rainbow Dash: I have proof that Cynical not onl-(TV blares an annoying noise)
Announcer: Attention! There has been a breach in the n-
(Static)
(Commercial)
Announcer: He is the most interesting chaos master and bio-exorcist in the world. And limbo. And everywhere.
Sorcerer: I don't always get rid of ponies, but when I do, it's when you give me bits!
ORDER NOW! MAKE IT RAIN!
Announcer: He is so interesting, he possesses demons. Order now.
(Sorcerer is now dressed as Billy Mays)
Sorcerer: Call now and receive 100 guns for FREE! Yahoo! (Starts shooting bullets toward the sky)
Just do it!
Sorcerer: All for the deal of a lifetime! All you have to do to call me is say my name 3 times. I have put a summoning spell on myself. Works like a charm. Like if I'm on the couch. I'll come. At a movie. I'll come. In the shower?
(Transforms into Mighty Mouse)
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAYYY!
Sorcerer: But.....don't say my name 3 times after. Spell works backwards. Okay? Not a good idea. Comprendo?
Don't let your dreams be dreams! Yesterday you said tomorrow so JUST DO IT!
Sorcerer is not responsible for death, chickenpox, more death, the common cold, lost possessions, even more death, bodily malfunctions, death like you wouldn't believe and just plain old death.
(Sped-up) Is capable of monstrous chaos and destroying everything in sight.
Sorcerer (offscreen): I don't remember putting that th-
(Static)
The network is back to normal. Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
Jersey Horse
----
Rainbow: … As I was saying, I have proof that Cynical not only violated his plea deal, but was also involved in the theft of Operation: Solar Burst!
Cynical: OBJECTION! How dare you accuse me of such crimes, you arrogant, foolish girl!?
Rainbow: Like this: You did it, punk!
Cynical: Bah! Your claims are nothing without evidence! Show me proof!
Rainbow: Okay then. TAKE THAT!
(Rainbow presents the box)
Cynical: What’s this? Operation… the weapon, eh? Is that all you have? There’s a million different reasons why it could be here. Besides, the news is saying that a commander got paid off to do the job, but I’ve never even met him-
Rainbow: OBJECTION! I have this to prove your guilt!
(Rainbow presents the note)
Cynical: Grr... HAUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Rainbow: Ha! Proved it-
Cynical: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Got ya! That doesn’t prove that I stole the weapon.
Rainbow: But it’s in your warehouse, and there’s your note!
Cynical: True, both the box and the note are here. However, not only can you not prove that I wrote the note, but you also can’t say I stole it. Have a look at this.
(Cynical presents another note)
Rainbow: What’s this… “I formally agree to share this warehouse with Captain… Shining Armor”?!
Cynical: I made that deal with the captain three days ago. The theft was two days ago. Considering we share this warehouse fifty-fifty, the fact that he stored his stolen goods can here can hardly be considered a reason to suspect me. A knight in grey armor, I suppose.
Rainbow: Wait… this is written in crayon!
Cynical: Shit! I thought I was holding a pen when I wrote that just now-oh fuck.
Rainbow: Alright, this has gone on long enough! Officers, take him in for questioning!
Cynical: OBJECTION! You need more proof if you want to see me behind bars!
Officer: … Sorry, Mr. Cynical. There’s still the chance that you might be an accomplice to the theft… we can’t let you go.
Cynical: What the...you bastards! Gr...
(Static)
Sorcerer: (offscreen) Sorcerer: The Bio Exorcist! Getting rid of ponies since....now! Just say my name 3 times!
Announcer: WILL YOU STOP HIJACKING THE NETWORK!?
Cynical: A...Bio Exorcist? Sorcerer's a bio exorcist now?
Rainbow: We've heard enough out of you! 3 more words and then you have the right to remain silent!
Cynical: SORCERER SORCERER SORCERER!
(Flashing lights illuminate the room as Sorcerer teleports to the warehouse and teleports all of them except the officers into a graveyard)
(Sorcerer flies out of the grave)
Sorcerer: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rainbow: Cynical, what did you do!?
Cynical: Used my GTFO of jail card, that’s what! With two of us…
(Cynical pulls out a lighter)
Cynical: We can make all that evidence… disappear!
Sorcerer: IT'S SSHOOOOOWTIMMMMMME!! (Sorcerer winks at the audience) Woo! Hey! Sorcerer here. I do believe, we've met before. How do you do? How do you don't? So, where's the ponies I'm supposed to get rid of? Oh! Almost forgot, payment is 42819483718394881939284728939 bits.
Cynical: Fuck you, I'm not paying for that!
Rainbow: Will somepony tell me what's going on!?
Sorcerer: HELLOOOOOO, Nurse! Heh, change of plans. You don't want to part with your bits, why don't you part with her? And then with me "till death do us part". (Transforms into The Priest from The Princess Bride) Mawwige is what bwings us togethuh!
Cynical: Sure, why not?
Rainbow: There's no way I-
Sorcerer: Zip it!
(Sorcerer literally creates a zipper on Rainbow's mouth and closes it)
Sorcerer: Now that that's all taken care of...(sticks a lollipop in his mouth, mimicking Cynical's lighter) ...I can start whenever you want, boss.
Cynical: Heh, real fucking nice. When exactly could you do all this though? Hell, are you even qualified?
Sorcerer: Am I qualified? (Calm) Let's see, I attended Hogwarts, I am a graduate of Raccoon City College. My travels are quite limited. (Getting more crazy) I lived through Discord's Reign, I had a pretty good time during that. (Batshit insane) I've played Oculus Rift ABOUT 9001 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY TIME I PLAY IT! Not to mention the fact THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A SORCERER! So what do you think? Do ya think I'm qualified?
Cynical: No, I mean are you qualified to be scary? Honestly, I’ve seen kittens scarier than you.
Sorcerer: "Are you qualified to be scary," he says.
(Sorcerer transforms into a giant snake briefly)
Sorcerer: SCREEEEEEEEE!
Cynical: GAH! KILL IT WITH FIRE! FUCK YOU SNAKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
(Sorcerer changes back)
Sorcerer: You like it? I should get to work.
Cynical: No, I don’t! Fuck you and your snakes-
Sorcerer: Cyni, Cyni, Cyni, it's me...or eternal slammer for eternity. And you'll be dressed like this for all eternity. (Transforms into the original Beetlejuice costume) Except way less fashionable.
Cynical: Besides, no prison can permanently hold me.
Sorcerer: Not Equestria Penitentiary! Magic proof, life proof. Kill ya on the spot. Sounds like my type of place actually.
Cynical: I can build a pickaxe. I can punch through the walls over decades if I must!
Sorcerer: Oh who has time for that!? (Pulls Rainbow and Cynical together) We're like peas in a pod, the lot of us! And I'm in the middle! Hey, you want someone out of your mane, I want someone out of my brain. You've been to Tartarus, I've been to Tartarus. Whoa! Sandworms. You hate them right? I hate em myself!
Cynical: Don’t touch me.
Sorcerer: C'mon, gimme a shot! 100 guns freeeeee!
Cynical: A shot? Maybe. But having a half-snake hugging me? Fuck that.
Sorcerer: Then, do we have a deal?
Cynical: … I suppose…
Sorcerer: Ha HA HA HA! TIME FOR A SCARE!
Cynical: Shouldn’t you say, “Readers beware” first?
Sorcerer: No, what I should be saying is....
(Sorcerer teleports to the warehouse and transforms into a snake again)
Sorcerer: ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS!
Officers: AAAAGGGGGHHH!
Gumshoe: CODE RED! CODE RED!
Rainbow (thinking): Buncha wimps.
(Officers run out the door never to return)
Sorcerer: Suckers.
Cynical: Snakes are scary motherfuckers, don’t you ever call them cowards or suckers.
Sorcerer: Ha ha! You have respect for people. I like that! Now, it's time for your end of the deal!
Cynical: Right here!
(Rainbow gets rid of her zipper mouth)
Rainbow: GAH! There's no way I'm ever going to m-
(Sorcerer rolls his eyes)
Sorcerer: Perhaps a little music to calm the savage beast? (Possesses Rainbow briefly)
Rainbow: DAY-O! DAY-O!
Sorcerer (to the audience): C'mon, it wouldn't be a true Beetlejuice parody without this scene. (To Rainbow) Alright, tell you what. If you can make it through one measly fic, you can have your freedom.
Rainbow: DAYLIGHT COMES AND I WANT TO GO HOME!
Sorcerer: The fic is called "The Monsters". Cynical you're coming too.
Cynical: I'm n-DAY-O!
Cynical: (Oh, fuck you, Sorce.)
Sorcerer: So glad you agreed! MUAHAHAHA! Soon, Nighty, I'll show the world THE CHAOS OF THE SORCERER! We've got story sign, this time...I'm the ringmaster!
-------
I layed down in my bathtub, it has been an exhausting day at school.
Sorcerer: I'm sure everyone layed in their bathtub at some "pointed" in their lives.
Cynical: But how many people were laid in their bathtub?
Sorcerer: You'd be surprised.
"This sleep deprivation is killing me" I spoke out loud
I left the door open because I was alone and my cat was still making up his
Mind if he wanted to stay or leave. I stayed there paralyzed
And I saw my cat getting dragged away, I couldn't move or talk
Cynical: Oh sure, fucking cats get dragged away by their back legs all the time. Why even bother talking or moving when it’s so common? (slaps forehead)
"This God damned sleep deprivation is making me paralyzed!!
I have to save sprinkles!!"
Sorcerer: Now how many people would ever say those two exact sentences? Hint: They're in different dimensions.
I struggled and pushed with all my strength and I move enough to
Stand up. Suddenly I stop hearing my cat. I trot outside as fast as I can
It's still early out so every pony is still asleep, but not me I have to find sprinkles kidnapper!
Cynical: Wouldn’t it be catnapper? Also, who the fuck leaves their door wide open when they’re taking a bath, especially when they have cats?!
I see something in the distance is kinda looked like slender mare
But it wasn't, it is far more creepy. I get a closer look at it but, it doesn't look pony at all,
It has 4 tentacles on its face, a melted jaw, 6 hooves, no coat and
Twice the size of any pony!
Sorcerer: Hey, it's me when I don't have my coffee.
Cynical: Depending on the gender of our main lead, this whole tentacle business can go one of two ways.
Sorcerer: Oh dear, I'm scary, but not as scary as...HENTAI!
I stood back in fear as it looked at me, it looks strangely familiar but
I can't see it. Then it sees me. It runs away In the most scariest way possible. A hole took him.
It was looking at me before he jumped into the hole. I trotted to get a look at the hole.
Cynical: The most scariest way, huh? Did it use the most shittiest grammar?
But as soon as I got close it disappeared. I stood there knowing I can
Sorcerer: Okay, WHAT IS WITH THE FORMATTING HERE!? This is more confusing than Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories.
Cynical: Because he tried to make a poem, but forgot to rhyme or make sense?
Never see sprinkles again. But I can't think right now,
Cynical: He ran out of the alleyway in tears. He never saw Sprinkles again,but Sprinkles was a cat of his word, so he probably looked adorable for everyone. He never believed in locking his doors, because that would require a miracle. The miracle never happen, because miracles don’t exist in shitty fanfics.
I'm really tired. I slept with my face against the bed and my back facing away. I heard a buzzing sound right behind me
I'm to tired so I think it's just a mosquito so I let it suck my blood I didn't really care anyways,
Due to the fact I'm depressed about sprinkles.
Sorcerer: Capitalization, motherbucker.
Cynical: “I’m dying, but I’m going to let it happen because I miss my fucking cat.”
But the buzzing is there still after a couple of minuets and I still feel it sucking my blood out
Sorcerer: I had no idea you had your own personal band! Hey, Cynical! They're playing minuettes over here!
I try to move to swat it but I'm paralyzed, again.
Sorcerer and Cynical: Convenient.
Cynical: Seriously, he gets more paralyzed than Franklin Roosevelt at a stair convention.
I feel myself becoming weaker maybe it's the loss of blood I hope not. I can't move anymore I can only breath and just then I fall off my bed and get dragged outside I open my droopy eyes
And I see the hole from earlier and the buzzing sound takes me down.
On my day down I see a tunnel of light and I see a dozen giant Mosquitos in a circle and in the middle
Sorcerer: "Ring around the Rosie, a pocketful of posie!"
There is a black jelly,
Cynical: Is it coal flavour?
Sorcerer: No, the story just got jammed. EVEN IN FANFICS, NOTHING WORKS!
Cynical: Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam!
Sorcerer: PUMP UP THE JAM!
then the giants Mosquitos gather around me and they tear me apart limb from limb, and they keep me alive.
Cynical: … What?
Sorcerer: How nice of them. They kill you, but they don't kill you.
Cynical: … What the fuck does this even mean? I’ve got experience in tearing people limb from limb, and they generally die quite quickly afterwards!
Sorcerer: .....you're a scary pony.
Then right when I am about to go into eternal sleep one of the bugs picks me up and drops me in the black jelly.
Sorcerer: And that's "The Monsters"!
Cynical: Fucking byotiful.
Sorcerer: Chapter 1 of "The Monsters"!
(Sorcerer hits Cynical with a baseball bat, rendering him unconscious)
Sorcerer: Oops.
Rainbow: Serves him right!
Sorcerer: You don't seem to like him that much, do you?
Rainbow: I hate him, in case you haven't noticed.
Sorcerer: Well, how about a deal? You marry me, after this fic, you will never see him ever again, babe. I guarantee. Deal?
Rainbow: ..........
Sorcerer: (smiles deviously)
Rainbow: Deal.
Sorcerer: ALLLLLRIGHT! He should be waking up right about now! When we finish, remember our deal! (Heh...that was almost too easy.) Hey, Cynical! CYNICAL! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!? (Kicks down a door) NICE FRIGGIN DOOR! (Honk honk)
Cynical: Feck you… holy shit my head hurts…
Sorcerer: Good because the next chapter will give you even more of a headache! We've got story sign.
I've crawled out of the black jelly with what seemed like,
My hooves! I have my hooves back! All my limbs also! But something feels wrong
Sorcerer: "My plot is on my HEAD!"
I feel like I can see more than before than I realized I had a third eye! Before I can make sure
Everything is all right, the fucking mosquitoes eat me again and drop me in the jelly
I crawl out again hoping they are full but they aren't and they keep on eating, me
Sorcerer: Comma! You mischief maker! You don't belong there!
Cynical: Why the fuck are changelings EATING ponies? When was that ever a thing?
Sorcerer: The author can do whatever he wants to a character. How do you think Twixie was created?
Cynical: Twixie didn’t directly break the known biology of a species. Lesbian horses doth not equal emotion eaters suddenly eating ponies.
And dipping me back into the jelly. After about a couple hours they stop and the break the circle like a hallway
Maybe so I can walk away but when I'm about to finish walking out
They flipping eat me again as if I'm a never ending unhappy meal.
Sorcerer: AT MCDONALDS! IT'S MAC TONIGHT!
Suddenly I hear another buzzing coming and a mosquito comes back with a nice looking lady
Sorcerer: Ooh la la!
Then they flipping eat her and dip her in the jelly like they did to me
Sorcerer: Oh...
But they ignored me now so I can escape.
Now I've hidden behind a rock so that they can't see me so I look at my body
To make sure I have no damage in me or anything. But no I'm different know I have 2 entenaii on my forehead
My back has tentacles and I'm have 2 hooves on my same
Leg, my middle leg... I realize what and where I am now in queen crystalys hive the Mosquitos were her minions
Cynical: Changelings are parasites, not fucking mosquitos. Besides, Chrysalis should be capitalized, not FUCKING MASQUUITOS.
Sorcerer: Don't you mean Crystalys?
Cynical: No. No I don’t.
They must have given up eating love and started eating ponies instead.
Cynical: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLL! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Such a horrible thing but that doesn't explain why they look like Mosquitos
"Maybe they evolved so that they can eat ponies know" like an idiot I said to myself and then the rock
I was hiding behind got smashed. They saw me and ate me quickly and put
Sorcerer: How. Are. You. Still. ALIVE?! If they won't finish you, I WILL!
Me in the jelly more, and more, and more, I've already lost count but I know I am far
Different than before they've eaten me and changed me so much I don't even look like how
I did before at all but the thing is I can't see myself cause I am partially blind.
Cynical: Isn’t it more normal that you can’t see yourself entirely?
Now I do not look like a pony at all anymore but then
I see a bigger mosquito coming towards we and then speaks with a
Sorcerer: So there is more than one of you. Good to know.
Thunderous voice "he isn't good anymore put him in the piiiit"
The Mosquitos pick me up and throw me down a cliff. "Yes I can finally die!"
Cynical: You seem oddly happy for someone falling off a cliff.
Now after falling for what seems like ages I finally touched the ground. All my bones are broken
And probably my main organs are damaged but I don't care I can be with
Sprinkles now but noooo these assholes had to pick me up and put me in the black
Jelly. I didn't want to die again and be relived I wanted to DIE!
Sorcerer: What a coincidence! We want you to die too!
Cynical: Good fuck, he’s still on about his fucking cat! There’s slightly more pressing matters at the moment, you fucking emo dickhead!
But I see a blurry image of some thing that was like me
A mutant! He was one of me! I guess I wasn't the only one down here after all
Sorcerer: "DEADPOOOOOOL! YEAH! CHIMICHANGAS!"
They talked to me about them and how they lived down here. They took me
To their leader, the most mutated one. He didnt resemble a pony at all he was a blob
With dozens and dozens of eyes and limbs.
The elder or whatever told me about the plan to escape
Cynical: Respect your elders, dickhead. I’m fifty, but I can still kick your ass and so can that blobish elder.
Cause apparently only the Mosquitos can open the holes and close them
But they can't stay out for long or else they die. So that means that we can't also
So we can only be up there for 1 hour and we can
Just get some stuff. And come back before we die so the plan is
Since the Mosquitos can only open the holes we will ride them
Sorcerer: Great. Great plan. THIS ISN'T HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, MORON!
I had to be timed specifically or else I will fall but not die but be eaten again.
Then I see it the mosquito I will ride out on. I jump on it successfully and know I can ride him up to the surface
But I see beautiful stuff on my ride through the colony to
The top I saw pillars that looked never ending and that black jelly falling off in a waterfall
But I see now the queen she is making the jelly. (Also getting mated)
Cynical: Getting mated. I’ve never heard a more boring description of porn ever.
Sorcerer: Actually...I don't think that's jelly....
Cynical: Of course it isn’t, I’m just pointing that out.
Sorcerer: My self, this is turning to The Pony Version of Huniepop...
I try to stay hidden so that I don't get caught but now there
Is the ceiling and a hole opens up and I go to the surface.
Now that I'm here I kill the mosquito and leave it there and I see a house.
I walk towards it and the door is unlocked. It has been so long since I've
Seen something normal and I see a cat I'm happy that I see a
Cat it looks like sprinkles which makes me even more happy
Cynical: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR DUMBASS FUCKING CAT!
Sorcerer: NO ONE CARES ABOUT SPRINKLES! NO ONE BUT YOU!
In joy I take the cat outside "I'm taking you home sprinkles."
I walk back to my hole and then I see some pony walking towards me so I look at him.
Then his image slaps me in my face.
It's me.
Sorcerer: Oh, what a godforsaken twist.
Cynical: So… what the fuck is this? Is this supposed to be a timeloop story?
Rainbow (offscreen): You won't have to endure it anymore.
Cynical: Hor-fucking-ay.
Sorcerer: Hello, babe!
Rainbow (in wedding dress): I've decided to marry Sorcerer.
Sorcerer: GAHAHAHA! You see Cynical, while you were gone, me and Skittles made a deal.
(Sticks a video clip in Cynical's face)
Sorcerer: Maybe I could...you know...go outside? Like outside the satellite without your er...supervision?
Nighty: Marry a pony that's not me.
(Clip ends)
Sorcerer: Once I marry this little lady, I can do whatever I want without that controlling demoness telling me what to do! Viridi!
(Viridi appears out of nowhere in a priest's costume)
Viridi: Rainbow Dash, do you take this sorcerer to be your husband?
???: OBJECTION!
Sorcerer: What is it now? I'm about to be released for all of eternity!
Twilight Sparkle: Rainbow Dash can’t marry you… because she’s already my wife!
Sorcerer: We'll just have to change that, won't we? (Sorcerer throws Twilight out the window with telekinesis)
(Twilight teleports back in)
Sorcerer: Take a hint!
Twilight: I’m not finished yet!
Rainbow: Twi! How’re you doing?
Twilight: Rainbow, why are you trying to marry this creep?!
Rainbow: (points to Cynical)
Cynical: Hello, Miss Sparkle!
Sorcerer: Oh I'm right here. Don't mind me.
Cynical: Don’t worry, we don’t.
Twilight: Cynical? Sweet Celestia, why can’t you just go away and NOT ruin our lives?!
Sorcerer: I have had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS! Rainbow is my bride!
(Transforms into a snake)
Sorcerer: We've come for your waifu, Chuck.
Rainbow, Twilight and Cynical: GAH!
Sorcerer: No hard feelingssssss, I jusssssst need freedom. To go to Lassss Pegasssusss and the like. Ssssso why don't you jussssst sssskedadle!
Twilight: Oh no, I’m not giving her up that easy! (prepares massive magic blast)
(Rainbow punches Sorcerer in the face)
Sorcerer: Wow. That hurt. Not.
Cynical: How does THIS hurt, you money grubbing asshole?!
(Cynical shoots Sorcerer with an enchanted bullet)
Sorcerer: Ha! Ha! Ha! The only thing that can kill me isssss one thing and I'm not telllinnng!
Cynical: Okay then, I guess you won’t mind if I destroy your spaceship while your wife and friend are inside.
Sorcerer: GRR! You know what? Maybe it would be better if I sssspeak for her.
Rainbow (in Sorcerer's voice): I love this pony of mine. You're asking? I'm answering. I do love him.
(Rainbow covers her mouth)
Viridi: And do you, Sorcerer, take this pegasus as your wife?
Twilight: OBJECTION! I OBJECT TO THIS OBJECTIONABLE MARRIAGE!
Sorcerer: SSSSSSCREW ALL THESSSSE OBJECTIONS! I do! I do! I do! I do! I do! I DO!
Cynical: If anyone objects, you are legally bound to listen to it. I hear HELL is nice this time of year, Sorcerer.
Sorcerer: Wait...don't ssssssay that! Don't ssssssay that! Nobody sssssays the "Sssss" word!
Cynical: Which part? The legally bound bit, or the “Hell ain’t a bad place to be” bit?
Sorcerer: (oh thank god, he didn't listen to the commercial)
Cynical: Wait, what was the commercial again? I know!
Things that the gods did not mean
For any mortal to ever have seen
Give me the power to see sights unseen
Give me the power to see worlds between!
(Sorcerer rips out Cynical's teeth)
Sorcerer: Ha! Now, you all keep your mouths ssssshut an-
Cynical: OBJECTION! Did you really think that would work?
(Cynical points to his mouth, full of his teeth)
Cynical: With as many unholy dealings as I’ve made, you eventually decide to have your teeth replace themselves immediately, should they ever be removed for one reason or another.
Sorcerer: AAAGH! (Sorcerer transports everyone to limbo) Now for you, Cynical, you will repent your your ssssssins and HAVE ETERNAL SSSSLUMBER....nay...ETERNAL NIGHTMARESSSS!
Cynical: Oh, that day is indeed coming. But it ain’t here yet.
Sorcerer: That'ssss a load of...what!?
(Cynical grins, and a sandworm appears)
(Sorcerer, in fright, turns back into a pony)
Sorcerer: WHAT!? NO! NO! This isn't happening not yet! I'll get you, Cynical! Sorcerer is eternal!
Cynical: Remember that whole bit I said about “sights unseen, worlds between”? This is a buddy from one of those worlds.
Sorcerer: Wait! We can work this out! We're the same, you and I! You hear me? YOU'LL END UP LIKE ME ONE DAY! Just wait and see! I will always win! Oh....I seem to have underestimated the size.....heh....heh.....AHHHH! GAAAHHHHHHHHH! NIGGHTYYYYYYYYYYY!
(The sandworm devours Sorcerer)
Sorcerer (muffled): Hey, are you female?
Viridi: Uh oh...
(Viridi disappears out of thin air.)
Cynical: Ah, now that that’s settled…
(Cynical turns to Rainbow Dash)
Cynical: I believe I have to eliminate another nuisance.
Rainbow: Ha, fat chance, old man!
Twilight: Cynical, you are under royal arrest under the suspicion of murder, arson, grand larceny, and twenty-seven other crimes.
Cynical: Ah, Miss Sparkle. I forgot you had authority to arrest me. However, I do believe I’ll be making my leave now…
(Cynical teleports back to the warehouse, before preparing a timetravel spell)
(Later, in the past…)
Cynical: Ah, so this is where Dash would’ve discovered the evidence. Very well…
(Cynical burns the note and crate, carrying the Solar Burst with him as he scrambles out)
-Epilogue-
(Music starts)
(Back at the satellite)
(Sorcerer is now a ghost and possesses Nightmare)
Sorcerer's Ghost: Shake Shake Shake señora, Shake your body line! Shake Shake Shake señora! Shake it all the time!!
Nighty: Grr...
Sorcerer's Ghost: Work work work señora work your body line! Work work work señora! Work it all the time! Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
(Viridi plays trumpet)
Sorcerer's Ghost: Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
(Sorcerer's Ghost transports to the warehouse and possesses Rainbow)
Sorcerer's Ghost: My girl's name is señora!
(Possesses Cynical)
Sorcerer's Ghost: I tell you friends, I adore her!
(Teleports to Canterlot)
(Possesses Flash Sentry)
Sorcerer's Ghost: And when she dances, oh brother! She's a hurricane in all kinds of weather!
(Flash Sentry is detained and held in contempt of court for singing and dancing in the middle of his trial)
The Judge: Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
Flash Sentry (Sorcerer): Okay, I believe you!
(Bailiff plays the trumpet)
Phoenix: Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
Edgeworth: -_-
Edgeworth: (This courthouse has lost any sense of sanity, hasn’t it…?)
(Sorcerer possesses Edgeworth)
Sorcerer: Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
Maya: Okay! I believe you!
All: Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
(Twilight dances in the air)
Twilight: Whoa!
Rainbow: Jump in the line! Rock your body in time!
Sorcerer: Daylight comes.....and I don't think I wanna go home!
Nighty: (shrinks Sorcerer's head)
Sorcerer: Can't a guy just have some fun?
El fin.
This is a fan-made parody of Beetlejuice made by Tim Burton
It is also the season finale of The Cynical Brony
And Season Premiere of Sorcerer's Fanfic Theater though it takes place after the 2nd movie.
This is in no way related to the real movie
Please support the official release.
We did not create, nor have any affiliation with today's story.
Jump In The Line was composed by the talented Harry Belafonte
We do not own Beetlejuice, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or today's story
Or jack shit, for that matter.
***
Narrator: HOLY CRAP! You...you're back! Surely, the last story was sure to haunt you! No? It was...funny....s-SHUT UP! You're not my mother! Here's a story that will surely scare you!
--------------
Tales From The Critics
Five Nights At E̶m̶b̶e̶r̶'̶s̶ Cynical’s
Cynical: Back again, it seems.
(The light begins to turn a dark purple)
Cynical: Well, this challenge had to be the most bizarre, but also quite fun. Our story doesn’t so much begin as it does jumps here...
---------
Nighty (over phone): Sorcerer.
Sorcerer: GAH! Never, never do that again.
Nighty: I just wanted to tell you about something.
Sorcerer: What?
Nighty: I gathered up all your enemies and put them in one room with you. The room is nearly impossible to get out of.
Sorcerer: W-why you do that!?
Nighty: Because I hate you. Good luck.
Cynical: KNOCK KNOCK MOTHER FUCKER!
Sorcerer: Think Sorcerer think! Satellite=no magic. Satellite=NO MAGIC! SHOOOOT!
Cynical: NOPE! I CAN READ YOUR MIND! YOUR THOUGHTS ARE TOTALLY USELESS!
Sorcerer: Ok...new plan....
(Thinks up Rule 34 Nightmare Moon)
Cynical: … Is it humanized? :D
Sorcerer: Anthro, motherbucker
Cynical: Eh, I can deal..
Sorcerer: Aahhhhhh!
(Sorcerer closes the doors)
Cynical: I’M ALREADY IN YOU DUMBFUCK! REMEMBER HOW YOU KILLED ME LAST SPECIAL?!
Sorcerer: (thinks up a Giant Marshmallow Man)
...
Cynical: … What the fuck are you doing mate? Here I am, playing up my insanity for comedy, and you try to rip off Ghostbusters? :/
Sorcerer: What? It worked in a movie I saw!
(Sorcerer, in fear pushes Cynical away with telekinesis)
Cynical: You asshole!
Sorcerer: Fascinating, the magic disarmer doesn't work on mind abilities.
(Sorcerer looks at the cameras)
Sorcerer: Ok there's Cynical here, I know that much.
Cynical: I’M IN! YOUR FUCKING! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
Sorcerer: What's this toy you got? An....AK-47? What's this button do?
Cynical: It kills you.
Sorcerer: So what's your deal, huh? All I wanted to do is have a nice little supper!
Cynical: You killed me. Fuckin’ asshole.
Sorcerer: (mumbles) I don't mind when people kill me...
(Sorcerer uses telekinesis to strap Cynical to a wall)
Cynical: You motherfucking DOUCHE NOSSEL!
Sorcerer: Now....where is.....oh no. Ember.
(Looks at cameras)
Sorcerer: Um...Ember's in that room. Cynical is here. So far so good! (Nervous chuckle)
(Door knocks)
Ember: Transgender scout crackers! They used to be cookies, but they changed!
Sorcerer: (takes weapon from Cynical) So sorry, old chap.
(Points gun at Ember)
Sorcerer: Don't touch me I'm sterile!
Ember: No problems with not touching you.
Sorcerer: W-what are you going to do?
Ember: Fekin anything, as long as your suffering is involved. (pulls out a shard of glass and eats it)
Sorcerer: (to Cynical) Does everyone want me to suffer? Compared to everyone else I'm pretty tame.
Cynical: Yes. You’ve killed literally everyone here at least once.
Sorcerer: Because you got in my way of my dreams to make this world so much better!
Cynical: YOU BARGED IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!
Ember: Don't forget the times you killed yourself. All two of them.
Sorcerer: Look at that! Another life to ruin! (Points towards sky)
...
Ember: ....
Sorcerer: RETREAT!
Ember: Nope! (Ties Sorcerer's back legs up with a bolas)
Sorcerer: Come on, we've all wanted to kill everyone at one point. Besides, how are you gonna torment me even further? You've already reached your limit, boys!
Ember: You think monster musume was all I had? (dolphin laugh) You seriously underestimate how deep into the internet I dive.
(Sandworm barges through the door)
Sorcerer: THE SANDWORM!
(Celestia and her guards barged through the other)
Sorcerer: The Mega B****!
(Galactus blows a hole in the ceiling)
Sorcerer: GALACTUS!?
Talking Pencil: My lead.
Sorcerer: She really did get everyone!
Cynical (breaking free): Yep. You are fucked in every hole.
Sorcerer: WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN?!
???: Guess who.
(Sorcerer (Alternate Universe) appears)
Sorcerer: THE SORCERER WHO COMMITTED SUICIDE!?
AU Sorcey: Yep. I’m edgier than you.
Sorcerer: Please! Help me!
AU Sorcey: Uh.... no.
Ember: Children.... Close your eyes.
Sorcerer: Alright, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I did these things! I'm sorry!
Cynical: I DON’T FUCKING CARE! PREPARE TO DIE MOTHERFUCKER! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nighty: Stop the simulation.
(Everything freezes)
Sorcerer: Wh-what?
(Sorcerer looks at the frozen enemies)
(Nightmare teleports in)
Cynical: Eheheh… I’m still real. (punches Sorcerer in the face)
Ember: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Brick: LANGUAGE!!!
Cynical: Fuck your language, it’s a free country!
Brick: Well excuuuuuuuuse me, princess!
(Nightmare quickly makes a jail cell for Cynical and Ember)
Cynical: Oh fuck you!
Nighty: Yes, those two are very real. But you passed the test!
Sorcerer: .....so....you just wanted me to say I was sorry?
Nighty: The ultimate humiliation! A villain saying he was sorry! HA!
Ember: Re. Demp. Tion.
Cynical: Redemption bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeees! Ho ha haaaaaaaaayyyyy!
Sorcerer: I AM NOT REDEEMABLE! Never! Ever! Redeemed! I am the ultimate unicorn!
(Ember quickly teleports out of the cage, hits Sorcerer, and teleports back.)
(Cynical does the same, but uses a baseball bat to his balls)
Nighty: Of course, this is also a very good form of humiliation.
Sorcerer: So, combined with the fact that I virtually can "never win" you're making me do this.
Nighty: Why yes.
Sorcerer: ...suddenly I feel so....empty.
Nighty: That was the point! Yes!
Ember: And now.... (Looks at Night excitedly) I can fill it with shitty anime?
Cynical: NOPE! I GET TO SING BABY!
Sorcerer: I can never win. Ever. Why. Do. I. Live?
Cynical: Because neither heaven nor Hell want us around.
Sorcerer: Nighty, go ahead.
Nighty: Go ahead and do what?
Sorcerer: Just kill me now.
Nighty: I'll just bring you back.
Cynical: No! He doesn’t die until I break every bone in his body with the most basic spells! I’ll prove true power using barely any!
Ember: Nein! I still have to take over his body, dummkopf!
Cynical: Sorry, I’m done doing deals with demons and gods. Never quite worked for me anyway.
(shoots Ember with magic bullet)
Ember: DON'T YOU DARE COMPARE ME TO THEM!
Cynical: Just calling a spade a spade, my friend.
Sorcerer: .....
Grrr.....GRRRRR....AAAGGGGGGHGGGGHHHH!
...
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SEÑORA!
(Sorcerer insanely punches Cynical and Ember nonstop)
Cynical: AH! OW! FUCKING HELL! STOP! I WILL *COUGH* END YOU!
SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE!
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SEÑORA! SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME!
Ember: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER! (Shoryukens out)
Nighty: Hm...it appears I broke him. How delightful.
(Sorcerer snaps Cynical's neck to the beat of the rhythm)
Cynical: gurglegurglegurglegurglegurgle (I fucking hate you.)
Ember: There are no gods. ONLY SUU!
Sorcerer: HA HA HA HA HA!
Ember: Wait! Before you do anything hasty, look at your hooves. Now back to me. Now back at your hooves. BACK AT ME, I'm wearing a coat. Back at yer hooves, you're on a boat.
Cynical: gurglegurglegurglegurgle! (Restore the life that’s just been took, allow me to call upon the life force of Nook!)
Nighty: Relax, you guys, he's going to d-
Sorcerer: Don't...don't tell them that! Heh heh. Oh where was I?
DAAYYYYYY-O!
(Sorcerer throws Cynical and Ember to the moon, Portal 2 style)
(Cynical’s body starts healing, before being completely restored, exploding and destroying Sorcerer)
Sorcerer’s Ghost: Hm...do I have to die every episode? I mean, I wasn't even the villain in this episode. That's rare.
Cynical: Oh, bullshit! You broke my neck a shit ton of times!
Ember: No, I plan on keeping you alive for episode 1 of E.A.T.
Nighty: Actually.
(Nighty traps Sorcerer in a proton pack)
Nighty: I think I'll keep him. Sayanora, boys!
Sorcerer: WE ARE THE SAME! YOU WILL PAY! I AM THE ULTIMATE UNICOO-
(Nighty teleports to another galaxy, Sorcerer screaming all the way)
Cynical:... Fucking well then. Shall we proceed to the pub?
Brick: Am I seriously the only one here who hates bad language?!
Cynical: Is that seriously the only reason you’re here? Hell, when DID you get here? You weren’t in the Freddy’s bit!
Brick: Uh…. I...just wanted to make a pointless cameo? BYE!!!
Ember: Why not? Hey, you wanna see what drove Sorcerer to break during Waifu Battle?
Cynical: Nope.
The End
---
Sorcerer's Log
Stardate: 3023
I'm really starting to rethink taking over this planet. The denizens are insane. More insane than I. You would think I'm the only one. I'm not. Please, send reinforcements! Anyone! Just send them! And bring me out of this mess. Frankly I've had enough of this charade.
Sorcerer out
-------
???: What do you suppose we do?
Trixie: We do the best we can.
(A Trixie Q Continuum is shown)
-----
Narratorer: WHAT A TWIST!!! Am I right?
Cynical: No, you aren’t.
Narratorer: Well, how about this story!?
(Cue Story 3)
Ember: SORCERER! IT'S SLIIIIIIMMMME TIIIIIIIME!
***
THE SORCERERING!!
(The Lighter appears once more, the flame low and blue)
Cynical: Just as this flame is coming to an end, our final story has arrived. The final challenge to free my friend.
(The light forms the image of Sorcerer)
Cynical: Our tales begins here…
***
(Sorcerer writes at a desk)
Nighty: hehheh! Muahahaha! HAHAHA!
Sorcerer: Nightmare, I am trying to get through my next strategy. So please keep it quiet.
Nighty: Why? So you can fail again!? Ha ha ha!
Sorcerer: As a matter of fact. I already saw that chances of it not working are 0000000000.1%!
Nighty: Really?
(Nightmare knocks the papers over)
Sorcerer: I was....working on those...
Nighty: You never will win, remember?
(Nightmare leaves the room)
(Sorcerer, with eyes bloodshot stares at the papers)
Echo: You never will win, remember?
Echo: You never will win, remember?
Echo: You never will win, remember?
Echo: You never will win, remember?
Echo: You never will win, remember?
You
Never
Will
Win
Remember?
--------
(Nightmare puts on makeup in her room)
Nighty: Hm...haven't heard a noise from the moron in a while.
(Nightmare barges in Sorcerer's room)
Nighty: OH, MORON!
(Nightmare finds that Sorcerer isn't there)
Nighty: Oh, are you still mad about your very existence?
(A spider like creature crawls on the ceiling and its green eyes glow)
Nighty: I know you're in here.
(Thunder strikes and it reveals a huge spider web that spells "You will never win, remember?")
Nighty: ...Sorcerer?
(Sorcerer as a pony-like spider jumps down from the ceiling with a demented smile)
Sorcerer: Nighty, I'm home!
Nighty: Sorcerer! Get back in you-
Sorcerer: Five months of peace is what I want!
(Sorcerer's arms tangle around Nighty)
Sorcerer: But you wouldn't even let me have THAT!
(Sorcerer slams Nighty on the ground)
Sorcerer: Could you?
(Cynical teleports aboard and walks in)
Cynical: Nope.
(Cynical teleports out)
Nighty: Stay away!
Sorcerer: Why, my dear?
Nighty: Just go back to your room!
Sorcerer: Why, my dear?
Nighty: Well, you seem very confused and you need time to think things over!
Sorcerer: I've had my whole Celestia-forsaken life to think things over! What good's a few more minutes gonna do me now? Nighty, darling, light of my life, I'm not gonna hurt you.
(Cynical shoots a missile at the satellite)
(Sorcerer catches it and throws it back)
Cynical: SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHI-
(Cynical barely gets out of the blast radius)
Sorcerer: You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm just gonna BASH YOUR NOGGIN INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES! GONNA BASH THEM RIGHT THE BUCK IN!
Nighty: Stay away! Don't....don't...hurt me!
Sorcerer: I'm not gonna hurt you!
Nighty: Stay away! Stop it!
(Nightmare grabs a "convenient bat" and swings at Sorcerer with it but he just dodges)
Sorcerer: Just stop swinging the bat. Put the bat down, Nighty. Give me the bat. GIVE ME THE BAT! GIVE ME THE BLBLBLBLLBLBLLBLB! Ha ha! Scaredy cat! Bluh!
(Sorcerer takes the bat and hits Nighty unconscious into the next room. We only see an annoyed gaze as Sorcerer sees a bullet hole in the ceiling)
(Cynical tries sniping the satellite windows with an enchanted rifle)
(A banging is heard on Cynical's door)
Cynical: NOPE!
(Cynical teleports away)
(Sorcerer appears next to Cynical)
Sorcerer: HHHEEEEERRREE'S SOURCEY!
Cynical: FUCK YOU!
(Cynical jumps and knocks Sorcey right the fuck out with enchanted brass knuckles)
(The door bangs again)
Sorcerer: Little pigs, little pigs. Let me come in. Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin. And I'll huff and I'll huff and I'll BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!
Cynical: FUCK OFF WITH YOUR BABY RHYMES!
(Cynical 360 no-scopes him)
(Sorcerer's neck is heard snapping and he takes his head off and puts it back on)
Cynical: … Well then.
Sorcerer: Have you ever had a SINGLE MOMENT'S THOUGHT about my responsibilities? Have you ever thought, for a single notice about my-?
Cynical: Nope, never cared. You literally do nothing.
Sorcerer: Has it ever occurred to you that I have agreed to look after this world until May the *first*. Does it *matter to you at all* that the *owners* here are ruining this world as we know it, and that I have signed a letter of agreement, a *contract*, in which I have accepted that *responsibility?* Do you have the *slightest idea* what a *moral and ethical principal* is? *Do you?* Has it ever occurred to you what would happen to my future, if I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities? Has it ever occurred to you? *Has it?*
Cynical: Nope. Still don’t give a fuck.
(Sorcerer smiles and pulls out an axe, his eyes going bloodshot once more, his blood dripping from his eyes. He detaches his arms only to replace them with the arms of a spider. His eyes suddenly go white as he begins floating in midair towards Cynical)
Sorcerer: All work and no play makes Sorcerer a dull boy.
Cynical: On second thought… I’ll be leaving! Goodbye!
(Cynical nopes the fuck out of this timeline, abandoning it for the canon universe and putting an unbreakable universal lock on it)
(Cynical is safe at home when suddenly two female clones of Sorcerer appear next to him)
Sorceresses: Come, Bright Tomorrow. Come play with us. Forever. And ever.
Cynical: No.
(Cynical opens a portal to Hell, and uses an elephant rifle to blast them inside before closing it)
(Then behind Cynical, another Sorcerer clone is seen writing on a chalkboard)
(It spells:
Redrum redrum redrum redrum redrum ect.)
(The Sorcerer turns around and looks at Cynical with white eyes)
Sorcerer: Red Rum.
Cynical: Oh, no thanks, I prefer THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES.
(Cynical blows up Hell, remaining one of only two survivors)
(Another Sorcerer appears)
Cynical: FUCK. OFF.
Sorcerer: Redrum.
(Sorcerer takes out Cynical's eyes and reverses them. He then puts up the words "Redrum" now spelling out "Murder")
Cynical: Ah, you see, that makes much more- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorcerer: Redrum.
(Sorcerer takes Cynical's hoof and drags him down into an icy cavern, skeletons, demons and Slenderman passing them on the way)
Cynical: How am I seeing this? MY EYES ARE FACING MY SKULL! Oh wait, I forgot that one deal I made about perfect vision, including into alternate worlds… aha!
(Cynical summons an alternate universe creature)
???: Ring-a-motherfuckin’-ding baby! It’s showtime!
(An alicorn Cynical appears)
(Sorcerer takes out a knife and stabs it.)
AU Cynical: FUCK YOUR KNIVES BITCH!!!
(Rips it out and tears Sorcerer in half)
(Sorcerer gets back together.....only his other half is upside down)
Cynical: Ow, might wanna get that checked.
Sorcerer: Redrum.
Cynicals: You know, that doesn’t get any scarier when you repeat it.
(Sorcerer traps the original Cynical with him in an icy cave)
(Sorcerer creates a vision)
Sorcerer: Future.
Cynical: Oh, don’t you mean Erutuf? Fucking illiterate bastard.
(Sorcerer shows Cynical gradually transforming into Sorcerer, killing thousands of ponies, eventually dying and turning to stone)
Cynical: Cool story bro. Don’t give a fuck though. I know the multiverse like my house, and I’ve already seen that universe.
Sorcerer: SORCERER!!!!
(Sorcerer knifes himself and Cynical's body begins to disappear)
Cynical: Thank fuck I’m done with this shit! I’m off to the pub for some Red Rum!
(Sorcerer still appears next to Cynical)
Cynical: … You want booze?
Sorcerer: Now....FINISH!
(Sorcerer prepares to strike)
Cynical: But if I am kill, then who was fone?!?!?!
(Sorcerer is stabbed by the real Sorcerer)
Sorcerer-horror: GAAHHHH
Cynical: Oh for fucks sake, ENOUGH OF YOU!
Sorcerer: You should be thanking me. Heh. Sweet nightmares.
Cynical: Can I keep this corpse for Halloween related reasons?
Sorcerer: Sure, why not?
(Sorcerer teleports away)
-------
(The Nararatorer's arm is tired and is crying at this point)
Nararatorer: NOW!? WAS IT SCARY!?
Cynical: Not really, no. I’ve seen shitpastas scarier than this. Hell, Ember didn’t even show up!
Nararatorer: Hmph! Well, I'd like to see you try my job once in awhile!
Cynical: You got like, five lines! I had to do at least fifty!
Narararorer: You know what? Screw this. Tell the original Sorcerer, he should just get reformed. I'm gonna go get some rocky road!
(Sorcerer appears out of the end credits)
Sorcerer: Bleebleeb that's all folks!
Cynical: I’d hope so, we’ve parodied no less than four franchises in this series!
Sorcerer-horror: Redrum.
Cynical: FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorcerer: Oh, shut up!
Sorcererjuice based on Beetlejuice
Five Nights At E̶m̶b̶e̶r̶'̶s̶ Cynical's based (loosely) on Five Nights At Freddy's
The Sorcerering based on Stephen King's The Shining and Disney Acid Sequences
Note: Sorcerer nor Cynical was high nor drunk during this. Probably.
But both were very tired.
Happy Halloween!
Nighty: You're gonna get refooooormmmmed!
Sorcerer: I AM NOT!
Cynical: Heh, imagine if I were to reform. Wouldn’t that be the day?
-------
Sorcerer's Fanfic Theater Season 2 Episode 2
The Cynical Brony Season 2 Premiere
-------
Bloopers:
Sorcerer: HEREEEE'S MOMMY!
Director: Um...no. Cut. It's "Sourcey"
Sorcerer: Oh!
-----
Sorcerer: I will destroy you and steal your fiancé! Booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere!
Director: No. That's not even close.
-----
Sorcerer: Sandworms, they look like giant p-
Director: CUT!!
--------
Cynical: No thanks, I prefer THE LAUGHTER OF SMALL CHILDREN!
…
Cynical: … Shit. Sorry, thought I was singing Voltaire, let me try again.
----
Sorcerer: So...is the scene where I die gory?
Director: Um...no it is not.
Sorcerer: But...do I die in a creative way? Or..
Director: You just die.
Sorcerer: Um...okay. So...just to clarify. I die.
Director: Yeah.
Sorcerer: I kick the bucket.
Director: Yeah.
Sorcerer: I shuffle off my mo-
-----
Cynical: I’M A MUTHAFUCKIN’ ALICORN!
AU Cynical: Um…
Sorcerer: What were you going for exactly?
Cynical: Fuck, I forgot to properly format it again ma!
------
Sorcerer: I'm pushing up daisies.
Director: Uh huh.
Sorcerer: I've ceased to be.
Director: Yes.
Sorcerer: I've expired and off to meet my make-
Cynical: For fucks sake, shut up and die already!
------
Sorcerer: We've come for your waifu, Chu-
I'm so sorry. That meme is so overdone. Can we choose a different line?
-------
Cynical (when getting eyes ripped out) Hi, my name is No-Eyes Cynical! I sell whatever I can make out, as I honestly cannot see at all. I also can’t feel most of my body, so I could be on fire now and never know!
---
Sorcerer: So, I just have to marry her...in the script?
Director: It's a Beetlejuice parody.
Sorcerer: This seems kinda awkward. Is she even legal?
Rainbow Dash: Of course I am! D:<
Director: The original Beetlejuice didn't have any romantic feelings towards Lydia. You're fine.
Sorcerer: I dunno...she's rainbow colored...my actual wife is all shadowy? Doesn't work out.
Rainbow: Are you racist against rainbows?!
Sorcerer: No, it's just...I'm kinda not sure if you're my type.
Director: Just try to marry her.
----
Cynical (in Hell, after blowing it up): In the land of the dead, heck boy ain’t it grand! I’m the overlord of the underworld, ‘cause I hold Sorcerer’s hand!
Sorcerer: This isn't in the script, right?
Cynical: I really don’t care! I’m borrowed down in the underground, and you can’t take that from me!
----
Sorcerer (in hell): Cigars are evil! You won't miss em'!
Cynical: We’ll find ways to simulate that smell!
Director: CUT!
------
Sorcerer: So neither of us sing in this?
Director: No.
Cynical: Aw, but I’ve never had a musical number! Not even in my own show!
Sorcerer: I have a musical number every single episode!
Director: You had one in Sorcererjuice.
Sorcerer: I WAANNNAA SIIIIIIINNG!
------
Evil Sorcerer: Red Rum.
Cynical: OBJECTION! Can we take that as a confession to using magic under the influence?!
Sorcerer: …
Cynical: …
Director: …
Evil Sorcerer: Red Rum. (health bar goes down)
Cynical: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
------
Cynical (in Hell): Just tell me whyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Sorcerer: Please check this fifty-five page warrent!
Cynical: Surely there are ponies worse than I!
Sorcerer: We checked around, there really aren’t!
-----
Sorcerer: That Ember's on FIIIRREEEE!
-----
Sorcerer: How many times do I get killed in this bloody doc!?
Cynical: About as many times as I do between this and the Christmas special?
-----
Sorcerer: You cast Viridi as the priest?
Viridi: I'm very....spiritual!
Sorcerer: ...
Viridi: Get it?
Sorcerer: I don't I really don't.
----
Meanwhile, on the other side of Hell…
Lord Jackass: I don’t feel well…
Nightmare: It’s up to us to rescue them!
Lord Jackass: Maybe he likes it here in Hell?
Nightmare: It’s us who tempted them to sin!
Lord Jackass: Maybe they’re back at the motel!
----
Sorcerer: Give me the bat!
HOME RUN CONTEST!
(Nighty hits Sorcerer down the stairs)
Announcer: A NEW RECORD!
----
Sorcerer: What's the point in exploiting my weakness if I'm gonna die by a friggin Sandworm!?
Cynical: I dunno, because you’re so friggin’ OP that any other way is literally suicide?
Sorcerer: Oh yeah.
Director: That's...kinda how it was in the original.
Beetlejuice: Quit it with bashing on the original!
-----
Rainbow Dash: I myself am cool and unusual.
----
Cynical: Ah, Miss Spark-
(Twilight punches Cynical)
Announcer: AND HER NAME WAS TWILIGHT SPARKLE!
Sorcerer: That was kinda uncalled for.
-----
Cynical: Ah, Miss Spark-
Twilight: FALCON PUNCH!
Sorcerer: CAPTAIN, HANG ON!
Cynical: Not this shit agai-
----
(Breaking through the door)
Sorcerer: It's the ED SULLIVAN SHOW!
-----
(Breaking through the door) Sorcerer: ALL THIS AND ANDY ROONEY HERE ON 60 MINUTES!!
-----
Sorcerer: (breaking through the door) BUT THAT'S JUST A THEORY A GAME THEORY! THANKS FOR WATCHING!
------
Cynical: Wait, what the fuck is this?
Director: What’s what?
Cynical: I write my forged evidence IN CRAYON?! I’m a criminal mastermind, not some dumbass school kid! I mean, sure, sometimes I make some stupid fucking choices, but I’m not literally a moron!
Sorcerer: We needed some way for you to need a bio-exorcist without the Edgeworth segment from getting too long so we got you drunk.
Cynical: But that segment was fuuuuuuuuuuun! D:
Director: He's just mad because a house fell on his sister.
Cynical: First off, I don’t have a sister. Secondly, I’ll fucking murder you. Thirdly...
(Cynical shoots the director, with the gun sideways above his head)
Sorcerer: ...that wasn't very funny, Mr. Director.
Nightmare: HAHAHAHAHHAHA! Oh! HAHA! That's rich! HAHAHA! HOUSE FELL ON HIS...HAHAHAHAHA!
Sorcerer, Cynical and Viridi: …
(Cynical starts raising gun…)
Sorcerer: Nonononononononon, this is not the place or time!
Nighty: heh heh...
-----
Sorcerer: Jump in the line! Shake your body in time! This song doesn't even come in till the end for like 30 seconds but I'm still singing it! Woo!
Cynical: My musical numbers were all put in the bloopers section. D:
-----
Sorcerer: And because I am dead, I can take off my h-
Director: Cut. Wrong Burton movie.
Cynical: To recite… I forgot the lyrics!
----
Sorcerer: (looks into distance) My Jack…
Cynical: YOUR BOYFRIEND IS DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAD!!!
----
Cynical (when encountering Sorcererjuice): You’re joking, you’re joking, I can’t believe my eyes! You’re kidding me, you’ve got to be, this can’t be the right guy!
Director: Wrong Burton movie...again.
Cynical: I honestly do not care, Mr. Director. I do not care.
Sorcerer (in a top hat with overly white makeup): MUMBLER! Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you are saying!
----
Sorcerer: (spins head around) I could be referencing two Burton films but you'll never find out which! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Cynical: I thought you were going to go on about mothers and their sexual activities in Hell.
Sorcerer: Actually, before that, I was going to reanimate my dead dog.
Scotty: The reference machine can’t take much more of this, Captain!
Sorcerer: I'm also going to marry someone! You know what other Burton film is about marrying someone!?
Cynical: The Necrophila Bride?
Sorcerer: I was going to say Alice In Wonderland.
Director: We can't take much more of the references!
Sorcerer: .....Dumbo.
Cynical: TURBO LAWYER POWERS!
(Reference machine explodes, creating Fallout Equestria)
Cynical: Well… fuck.
Sorcerer: I refuse to read it!
(Turns back time)
-----
Sorcerer: (in Sandworm's digestive system) Hey, Cynical.
Cynical (over Skype): Yello!
Sorcerer: Guess what, though.
Cynical: You’re dead and I’m not?
Sorcerer: Yeah but guess what though. Guess what thoouuugh.
Cynical: I’m enjoying a nice scotch and whiskey stew with dragon blood to add a little spice?
Sorcerer (Bathing in saliva): I'm soaking wet right now.
Cynical: … Please, never say that again. Especially in this type of situation.
(Hangs up)
----
Sorcerer (as a giant snake): LETS STAY ON THIS MISERABLE PLANET TOGE-oh wrong evil transformation.
------
Cynical (after Sorcerer becomes a snake): I’ve had it with you motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking doc!
----
Sorcerer (as BeetleSnake): Bad CGI!
----
Cynical: I always get the last words AND last laugh! Mwahahahahaha!
-----
Sorcerer: Heh...
Cynical: FUCKA YOU, SORCERER!
(Cynical crashes plane into Sorcerer)
(Film reel ends)
----
Sorcerer (offscreen) MEIN FUHRER! I CAN WALK!
Cynical: Hi, I’m from the future. Not any more, Mr. Nazi!
(Cynical shoots his kneecaps and hits them with a baseball bat)
Movie Over
I would just like to say that this post was so incredibly long that it took me literally all day just to read it. . . .
Thanks for that. . .
Also. . . .you wrote it in crayon. . . BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HANG ON A MINUTE!!!!!! WHY WASN"T I IN THIS EPISODE?!
Pinkie. . . if you were in this episode, it would have ended before it begun, leaving us with a blank episode.
Oh yeah. . . that may be!
3514678 Pinkthulu appears net episode, don't worry.
3514883 So wait. . .how do you even know Twilight and Rainbow anyway. . .
AND WHY ARE THEY SHIPPED IN THE EPISODE?!
Didn't you read it? They were married! You just didn't receive a wedding invitation!
Curses.
3514921 Twilight because of the first crossover with Sorcerer, and Dash because she's basically his parole officer for the charge of kidnapping her. It'll make sense later in the flashback scenes.
As for why they're shipped? I think they make a cute couple.
3514930 To each their own.