Friendship is Card Games: Just for Sidekicks · 2:19pm Dec 27th, 2015
If you were expecting “Keep Calm and Flutter On,” you’ll find it here. Instead, we’re once again focusing on Spike. And once again, overcompensation is the name of the game, because in the space of two episodes, he’s apparently gone from utterly servile to as self-serving as draconically possible.
And we open with the last time we’ll ever see Peewee. So much for teaching him all about being a pony.
So… Spike was able to save up the jewels, but that apparently took up all of his impulse control. I suppose he kept them somewhere where he wouldn’t be tempted to snack on them, possibly with Twilight’s help. Out of sight, out of stomach.
Yeah, why would Cadence invite Spike? He just saved the Empire, is all. Though I suppose she might be worried that her subjects would be too busy fawning over the Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious to woo Ms. Harshwhinny… though that leads to the question of why actual citizens of the Crystal Empire aren’t spearheading the PR campaign and—
Wait a second. I should really save this diatribe for next week.
Owloysius giving Angel the look always makes me smile. “Two words, you vituperative little morsel: food chain.”
I think Dash trying to play it cool with Tank is actually more adorable than if she were open with her affection.
81.4 degrees? Ponies confirmed for using Fahrenheit. (Hence the use of High Farrier's Thermal Probe in A Moment's Hesitation.)
I’d make a snide comment about the Bearer of Generosity giving the smallest jewel, but we see what that thing can buy later on.
Why are riding pants a thing in Equestria? I know, it’s Pinkie Pie, but the question yet lingers. For what species are the pants intended? Also, “floss the toothless gator” seems like it should be a euphemism for something. I dare not guess what.
Good to see that the writers learned how much a carat is since “Secret of My Excess.”
Herding dogs do need frequent exercise. After all, that’s what they’re bred for.
And the tracks are apparently visible from the library. Well, Ponyville’s layout has always been a bit malleable. And this is the episode just after Discord’s reformation. He was probably trying to be helpful.
Imagine Gummy’s side of the farewell exchange.
"Good journey, wise one. Go forth with all the love I can muster."
“No, I love you more.”
“To quantify love in this manner is to demean it. Its true measure is not a matter of claiming greater or lesser affection, but of demonstrating that bond through deeds.”
“No, I love you more.”
“I do not mean to deny your contributions to our bond, my mistress. I seek only to meditate on the magnitude of our love and how best to measure it.”
“I LOVE YOU MORE!”
“So you say. Best of luck in your service to the goddess-horse of love. Perhaps she will know for certain. Perhaps the truth eludes even her.”
I love philosophical Gummy. 
Even the negotiations with Angel are kind of cute. “Three times?” “This is acceptable.”
I do like the letterboxing when Spike glares at Angel. Very Tarantino.
I see Sweetie’s picking up something from Rarity, though I’m not sure whether or not she’s just parroting something she heard her sister say. You don’t usually hear about the natural weaves in rabbit fur.
Hmm. You know, if Scootaloo could get a good grip on a cloud, she could probably generate enough thrust to get it to ground level and back. Of course, there’s the question of how to get the other two Crusaders to walk on it in order to skydive. It’s not like any random unicorn can cast that spell, and doing on those three seems like a phenomenally bad idea.
The jewel-to-bit exchange rate is... well, screwy doesn't begin to describe it. I know, Rule of Funny, don't overanalyze the joke, but it still bothers me. Unless Rarity decorates her dresses with crystallized unobtanium or that industrial drier was heavily marked down due to being an unstable prototype, it just makes no economical sense. Though I think I may be on to something with the prototype theory. That sounded like a repurposed jet engine in there, definitely the bleeding edge of Equestrian technology.
Also, why is Spike carrying around his jewels constantly? It serves the plot, but you'd think he'd keep them in the pantry until he was ready to bake. Maybe his tail's wedged in the measuring cup.
More flour and eggs? I guess the old batter went bad… though Spike does pick up the bowl and start stirring when they get back. Ew. 
Hooray, Screw Loose is rehabilitated! Or at least well enough to no longer need to stay in Ponyville General's mental ward.
Zecora, why are you speaking in the third person? Is keeping the Alicorn Amulet around having some unforeseen side effects?
Granny Smith has apparently perfected the judgmental look to the point where she can elicit bribes without saying a word. She must’ve been a great mother.
I do like how Owloysius has Spike’s back... for the most part. Can’t really blame him for objecting to his treatment.
A nonstop train between Ponyville and the Crystal Empire? I get the feeling at least one member of the royal couple was responsible for this. You’d think there would be a few stops along the way under normal circumstances.
Joe’s selling donuts on a train? Sheesh, talk about a major step down.
“Shh. They’re right there. THERE’S THE BUNNY!”
Direct quote there. And that’s saying nothing of the shouting that follows.
Wow. With that much sagging, those seats must be killer during overnight rides.
I’m not sure if Dash is taking too much pleasure in watching Opal get whipped around, or just enough.
Once again, Spike was able to keep his bounty uneaten until the story decided to screw him over. Poor little dragon. Though it still isn't as bad as the end of “Princess Spike." At least he got to eat the gems here.
Now, onto the cards. And I won't even charge you for them.
Critterproof 1W
Instant
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to you by creatures this turn.
”It can take some time, but it’s much easier than what happens if you don’t do it.”
—Fluttershy, Bearer of Kindness
Quick Nuzzle 1W
Instant
Split second (As long as this spell is on the stack, players can’t cast spells or activate abilities that aren’t mana abilities.)
You gain life equal to the power of target creature you control.
”If nopony sees it, it won’t affect my reputation.”
—Rainbow Dash, Bearer of Loyalty
Silent Matriarch 2W
Creature — Pony Elder
Extort (Whenever you cast a spell, you may pay (wb). If you do, each opponent loses 1 life and you gain that much life.)
W, T: Tap target creature.
She can say more with a stare than most can with a lecture.
1/2
Rehabilitate 3W
Sorcery
Put target creature on the bottom of its owner's library. That creature's controller draws a card.
Screw Loose’s life continued largely as it had before the incident, aside from her acquired taste for dog biscuits.
Humiliating Hue 1U
Instant
Until end of turn, target creature gets -5/-0 and becomes the color or colors of your choice.
”Maybe he’d look better in plaid?”
—Sweetie Belle
Lay Low 2U
Instant
Tap any number of creatures you control. Those creatures gain hexproof until your next turn.
”Just keep quiet and still. Their vision is based on movement.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Shh!”
Bad Mojo 2B
Enchantment
At the beginning of each player’s upkeep, if that player controls more lands than each other player, he or she loses 2 life.
”Pain will come if you acquire far more than you do require.”
—Zecora, zebra shaman
Claw Shellac R
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+0.
Damage that would be dealt by enchanted creature can’t be prevented.
”Stylish and functional!”
—Pinkie Pie, Bearer of Laughter
Trinket Toss R
Instant
As an additional cost to cast Trinket Toss, sacrifice an artifact.
Trinket Toss deals damage equal to the sacrificed artifact’s converted mana cost to target creature or player.
Dragons do not give readily or pleasantly.
Petsit 1R
Sorcery
Gain control of target creature until end of turn.
”So, fruits, plants, small woodland animals, large woodland animals, woodlands, fruit groves, fruit farmers… And what should I use for treats?”
Chelonithopter 1RR
Creature — Turtle Thopter
Flying, trample
Chelonithopter attacks each turn if able.
”I would’ve installed brakes, but Rainbow insisted that I didn’t.”
—Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of Magic
2/2
Foalish Skydivers 2R
Creature — Pony Child
R: Foalish Skydivers gains flying until end of turn. At the beginning of the next end step, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, sacrifice Foalish Skydivers.
”The continued survival of the Crusaders is enough to make even me believe in miracles.”
—Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of Magic
2/2
Ravenous Whelp 4R
Creature — Dragon
At the beginning of your upkeep, discard a card. If you do, put two +1/+1 counters on Ravenous Whelp.
Gluttony is as much a part of the draconic condition as greed.
2/2
Curse of Willfulness 2G
Enchantment — Aura Curse
Enchant player
Creatures attacking enchanted player or a planeswalker that player controls can’t be blocked by more than one creature.
”Fluttershy makes it look so easy!”
—Spike
Crystal Snowglobe 2
Artifact
T: Add 1 to your mana pool.
Hoofcraft — T: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool. Activate this ability only if you control three or more Ponies, Pegasi, and/or Unicorns.
A souvenir is only as valuable as the appreciation it garners.
Industrial Drier 4
Artifact
2, T: Tap target creature. If that creature has flying, it loses flying until end of turn and Industrial Drier deals 1 damage to it.
Pegasi aren’t the only ones who can manufacture weather.
Valuable Gem 4
Artifact
T: Add 2 to your mana pool.
T, Sacrifice Valuable Gem: Add 4 to your mana pool.
Jewels serve many magical, decorative, and culinary functions in Equestria.
Charitable Donation (gw)
Instant
Target player sacrifices an artifact or enchantment, then gains life equal to the sacrificed permanent's converted mana cost.
”No good can come of miser’s greed if you forget those most in need.”
—Zecora, zebra shaman
One-Sided Dispute 1U(rg)
Sorcery
Target creature gets -4/-0 until end of turn. Target creature you control fights that creature.
Owloysius shook his head and flew away. In a battle of wits, the hatchling fought unarmed.
Reckless Maneuvering 2RG
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature gets +2/+2.
Whenever enchanted creature attacks, it fights target creature defending player controls.
”Tank’s still working on the whole ‘steering’ thing.”
—Rainbow Dash, Bearer of Loyalty
Draconic Caretaker 2WBR
Creature — Dragon
Extort
Whenever you gain life, you may untap target creature you don’t control. Gain control of that creature until end of turn. It gains haste until end of turn.
”Allow me.”
2/2
Demand Reparations 3WU
Instant
Gain control of target nonland permanent if you were dealt damage this turn by a source that permanent’s controller controlled.
”You burned my village. What are you going to do about it?”
I really liked this episode. This is probably my favorite Spike episode to date. So many great character moments, and no cringe-inducing awfulness. For that matter, I really liked all of season 3, which most people seem to think is the weakest season.
I love your idea.
Demand Reparations: "Here's some bits."
Maybe 'Demand Reparations' should target the specific non-land permanent. It seems down white's ally to exact justice on the appropriate perpetrator.
Oh god, Fluttershy feeding a baloth.
Nice flavor text on Demand Reparations.
I think my favorite twist on the old saw is still Clambassadors, though.
Petsit references my favourite flavour text! So, what would you use for a treat with an Enormous Baloth?
Probably the fruit, now I think on it...
Honestly sounds like you wanna do a Pet Fic for this lot; you've certainly got Gummy and Owloysius down pat
I'm surprised Crystal Snowglobe isn't a snow artifact.
With the temporary creature control and blocking prevention I could see Petsit actually being printed as it is. Pair it with any sort of creature sacrifice or maybe global haste and you've got a nicely costed piece of removal.
The flavor text for Ravenous Whelp brought this up; but my thoughts are that dragons exhibit all seven of the Deadly Sins.
Greed is the obvious one of course, hording all sorts of things be they gems or even just nick-knacks.
Gluttony as you said, being torn with their desire to eat their own horde and well, horde their horde.
Wrath, because we've seen various dragons get very angry over things, often to a disproportionate degree.
Sloth, they sleep for a hundred years at a time and probably consider this to be a short nap.
Pride, mostly thinking of the younger dragons and how they kept talking down about ponies, especially talking down about Celestia, saying they were better and all that because of the simple fact they are dragons.
Lust, not necessarily for sexual pleasure but more for power, as a means of getting more for their horde with less work. Though this one, along with Envy, we've not really seen in the show. The reason Lust hasn't been shown is pretty obvious, and Envy often goes in with Greed but is kinda of counter to Pride in a way. Though Spike's "crush" over Rarity might be a mild way of showing Lust... .
Not really a whole I wanted to say on this batch, lot of good cards.
I didn't mind this episode as much as most people. For me, the cute animals mitigated a lot of the story flaws. Plus, Spike didn't seem as OOC as he did in "Spike at Your Service." The gemstone-bit exchange did bother me too, though. I guess "rule of funny" applied, and it was convenient to the story, but it didn't fit with the way the ponies do business in every other episode.
Philosophical Gummy is best Gummy.
Ravenous Whelp reminds me of a card I designed a while back, in both name and mechanics:
Ravenous Baloth 4GG
Creature - Beast
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice another creature. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on Ravenous Baloth. Otherwise, tap Ravenous Baloth and put a -1/-1 counter on it.
4/4
I need to be able to upvote this.
3645809
This is definitely one of Spike's better outings. He's behaving like a kid rather than the narrative's puppet. And Season 3 certainly has its strong points. I think the combination of the shorter length and the finale is what incenses most people.
3645820
A+
3646005
There certainly seems to be enough room in the Everfree.
3646149
Or castles. Castles might work too.
3646249
It's made of crystal, not magical ice. And there's always Coldsteel Heart
3646368
Spike is certainly one of the most romantically inclined characters on the show, and we've seen his envy at full force in "Owl's Well That Ends Well."
3646588
It's a nice design, but it's definitely black.
3646599
Philosophical Gummy is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
3646909
3646588
Also, Ravenous Baloth is an actual card.
Is Chelonithopter deliberately non-artifact? It seems distinctly odd to have a Thopter creature that isn't an artifact.
3647756
It felt wrong to have Tank in his rotor device not be a Thopter, especially in light of Roterothopter. Still, it's not like the thing contains etherium or glistening oil.
3647790 That does make sense; Tank's rotor is a piece of equipment he's never parted from, rather than a part of his body. Kitesail riders and zephyrnauts aren't artifact creatures, after all. (But then, they don't have any usually-artifact-only creature types.)
3647032 ... So it is. Guess I'll have to figure something out
3646909
I think it really is a weaker season overall, but the shorter length certainly doesn't help. In the first two seasons, a particularly bad or disappointing episode would at least be buried among the other twenty five. In the third season, one bad episode does proportionally more damage to the season's quality.
Still, out of season three's thirteen episodes, I think I can only count five or six episodes I actually like as entertainment, and even then most of them have caveats. By contrast, the second season's two halves don't squander more than five episodes apiece, and I'd be hard-pressed to find an episode as awful as Magical Mystery Cure among them*.
*Though the endings of A Friend In Deed, The Mysterious Mare-do-Well, and Luna Eclipsed come darn close, and Lesson Zero, if it can't hold a candle to MMC, certainly makes a spirited attempt.
That said, this particular episode is one of the season's highlights for me. It's not just that Spike's character feels far more natural than it does in, say, Spike at Your Service. It's not even that it throws the spotlight nigh-exclusively on secondary characters, which is a welcome angle. The episode is simply hilarious to watch, at least in part because it gets to show Spike behave in less-than-exemplary ways that practically invite an immediate kick up the backside - and all without actually making you dislike him. Best bit of dark humour in the show: seeing him dump the pets on the CMC in what he thinks is a win-win situation, only to pass by later and end up thinking they beheaded Tank.