IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!11!1 · 6:05pm Jan 26th, 2016
Hey there, authors! This is your old pal, Dark Avenger, bringing you another important lesson from the world of FimFiction. Some of you might already know me as the most pro-ass author among the most pro-ass authors, doing the best reviews and talking about good stuff in general. But for those of you living under a rock, let me introduce myself. I'm actually a true original professional expert author person who wrote like 420 stories this last two weeks, which sum up to about 69 thousand billion words, and each one has a whole bunch of views and favorites. I also made a whole bunch of blogs and comments and reviews everywhere so I can tell people how bad their stories are.
OWNED!!!
Basically, I'm a pretty big deal when it comes to this site, so you should listen to me. And today is your lucky day, because instead of reminding you what a pathetic scrub you are, I'm just gonna go on ahead and tell you how to be the bestest pro author ever!
Now, as you all know, writing pony fanfiction is so easy that every dumb idiot is doing it, but making your stories popular is just too hard. You're gonna write like 10 million words about Twilight going on a date with the Mayor and having sex with a book, and the next thing you know you're at 300 views but no one wants to feature your story on their blog or magazine or special group or whatever. But you wanna be like the big name buttholes who get their names plastered everywhere and interviews like big stars from Hollywoodland, right?
Don't worry, good ol' Dark Avenger has worked out the perfect solution for this. Since I'm a professional, you can ask me to help smack your stories around until they become the coolest things ever. All you need to do is pay me a tiny amount of 5 dollars, and I'll jump right under your story and write a comment with a whole bunch of cool shit and pretend I actually read your thing. Just think about it: people will think you're cool because I left a comment, and they'll get to see what a cool story it is because I'll leave so many fancy words and funny pictures. It doesn't matter if your story is a puke rainbow of Alternate Universe Human Slice of Life Sad Dark Gore Random Adventure, I'll make it look so good that War & Peace will just be a shitty emo poem by comparison.
What, that's still not enough? Don't worry, idiot, I got you covered every step of the way. For every extra five dollars you pay me, I'll get one more awesome dude like me to write stuff for your story. Just watch that viewcount jump through the roof, and you can be the next My Little Dashie or Fallout: Whatever!
I can already hear some of you asking "But Dark Avenger, how the heck is this gonna actually work? Are you just trying to scam me out of my money and turn my stories into a big pile of poop?" Well, you see, even though other people do this sort of stuff for free already, I can assure you that none of them come anywhere close to my godlike status, but because I'm such a pro I gotta at least ask SOMETHING in return. And for only 5 dollars, this is the best deal you could ever get. So come on, what are you waiting for? It only costs you one full meal at McDonalds to make yourself famous! Just skip lunch or beat up a kid for their lunch money! Do whatever you want!
And for those of you who aren't scrubs and actually see a pro when you're talking to one: for $7.5 I'll throw in extra memes into every comment, and the funny pictures will be ANIMATED! Wow, look at the funny faces moving around and making words! Is that a Donald Trump joke? You haven't seen one for over 5 minutes now, so it's time I gave you another fix! Thank me later, scrub!
And for 10 whole dollars I'll subscribe to your fic until it's done and leave a comment each time you make a new chapter! Soon you'll have so many cool comments that they'll have to ban your fic before it makes people beat themselves up for being so much less awesome than you are!
For $500 I'll livestream me dumping your story into a toilet
I offer you many many other things that I don't even have time to talk about, so just head on over to my patreon or pay pal or Kickstarter or whatever you want and we can talk about all the cool things you can pay me to do. Send your money and your fan letters to the address hoofgangsta96pro240@mailponies.clop and I'll get to work right away!
WRITE IT BIG, AUTHORS!
And then you saved America?
Are you okay? Are you in a bad place right now?
Look, you want to be noticed. I get it. But right now it looks like all you're doing is hurting yourself.
What the hell happened to you, man?
3713810
I'm fine. Just stumbled across a blog post that was so hilariously bad that I couldn't help but do my own take on it.
I don't think that quite explains the group you linked though. I stand by my earlier comment. Especially since that makes this whole thing an attack on someone else.
What the hell happened to you, man?
3713844 Shit, dude, you must have a fkn Ph. D. in patronization. That's at least a solid B+, well done. Woo. You nail everything, but in order to really bring the point home, the post needs to be a little longer. Then again, I failed to major, so who am I to judge. You take the cake of condescension for today.
I particularly like how you put up a facade of prior knowledge so other passing readers will think this is a one-off. Of course, anyone with remote experience of interacting with DA would know that this vile, noxious shitposting has been going on for a very long time, and has only grown in proportion with how remarkably idiotic this site's shenanigans have been growing. But then, that isn't what matters when someone reads a controversial blog post. You know what does. Hats off.
3713957
Yeah, actually, I remember seeing Dark Avenger in comments sections around early 2013, maybe even late 2012. I was wondering why I hadn't heard anything from him in so long. I've been here since January 2012. Remembering him from back then and then seeing stuff like this genuinely makes me really sad.
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3713844
Satire. Look up its definition.
All I know is, I didn't ask DA to edit a single one of my stories, and people fart angrily in their general direction and/or express their desire to kill me for writing them. My powers of deduction tell me if you want the top of the featured box, you pay cash money. QED.