"How do I get Present Perfect to review my story?" · 5:53pm Feb 17th, 2016
I get asked this question a lot, so if I've pointed you to this journal instead of answering, it's nothing personal, there's just a lot to say. Of course, the short answer tends to be, "you don't".
But that's not entirely true. So I thought I'd write up a little guide for folks who want me to read their stuff, because some good may come from it. Expect a level of frankness I tend to avoid.
Here's the lowdown: You don't get me to review your story because I have 5000+ stories on my read-it-later, 200+ stories on a read-it-sooner list, and currently over half a dozen on a read-it-now that isn't exactly working to get me to read things faster. The fact is, I don't want to read your story. I have enough to read already. I could read fanfiction every day for a couple years solid and never run out. I don't need any more. My RIL is where stories go to die.
But new fics keep getting added to all those lists. Why? There are many reasons:
1) They interest me. I tend to keep track of the featured box and add stuff to my RIL even though I know it won't be good when it sounds interesting. When I've seen everything in the featured box at a given moment, I'll look at the popular box and incoming stories.
2) They're sequels to stories I've already read. Of course.
3) Other reviewers recommended them. I keep tabs on just about everyone who does what I do. When, say, Titanium Dragon says a story is worth reading, I sit the fuck up and take notice. I follow Seattle's Angels and the Royal Guard. I don't always take things off my RIL based on others' negative reviews, but quite frequently, I will, so it's a double-edged sword.
4) They're by authors I'm watching. If someone writes a really excellent fic, or two or three good fics, I'll get the hint, watch them, and add all their work to my RIL. This is probably at least half of what's there right now. This makes a few people good candidates for certain low-view-count-themed review journals, but I haven't done one of those for a while.
On that note, here's a quick list of things I will never read by choice:
-Twilestia
-Sparity
-Incest
-Foalcon
-Second-Person that doesn't seem subversive
-Self-inserts
-Stories with poorly edited descriptions
-Crossovers with stuff I don't know (which is a lot)
-Stories not on story websites (Pastebin, 4chan greentexts, stuff you uploaded to Google Drive, etc.)-Probably ScratchTavia
Just, don't even bother.
So what I hope you get from this so far is that the "stuff Present chooses to read" process is pretty arbitrary. If you ask me to review your story and it's already on my RIL, I may just go ahead and bump it up to one of the sooner lists. But my RIL isn't public, so you've got no way of knowing. Instead, here are some tips on catching my attention:
1) Do that stuff up there. If your story is in the featured box, I'm more likely to see it. I'm also more likely to accept someone's word on it being bad, so be warned. If you're a good enough writer, though, you'll eventually cross my desk one way or another.
2) Keep it short. Shortfics are great for filling in time and finishing review blogs quickly. I can read 3k words no problem. 20k is the most I can do in a good hour; 30k is about the most I'm willing to do in a sitting. I have a lot of long fics I've been putting off reading, so if you want me to read your sweeping dark epic that's three-quarters of a Fallout: Equestria long, you can anticipate being shoved to the very bottom of the pile.
3) Write things I like. If you pander to my whims, I'll definitely be interested, which is why I tend to keep my whims close to my chest. :V But people who know me and know what I like will occasionally tell me "Hey, this new X crossover just dropped, you gotta read it" and then I do that.
4) Recommend other people's stories. On that note, while it won't get your story read sooner, I'm pretty much always up for recommendations of stuff you haven't written, so long as they don't come with threats of "review this RTFN or I'm going to kill you". Given no deadline, I will theoretically review everything ever. :B Be sure to give me an indication of why I might want to read it. <.< I mean, come on. You can also always recommend excellent stories to The Royal Canterlot Library, which will get them to me sooner if not actually soon.
5) SUPPORT FANFIC READERS. Ah, here we are. This is the real reason I'm writing this journal.
If you know anything about my reviews, I keep a lengthy list of audiobooks on hand and let the readers guide what I'm reading. This adds another layer of arbitrariness to the whole process, but the fact is I will always listen to these. There are ways you can use this to your advantage! Here is the list of readers I currently follow (there are a lot more I'm planning on adding to the list eventually, so I will try to keep this updated), and ways you can get them to read stuff you want. (If any of these readers want to link me to Patreons or whatnot that I missed, please tell me, I'm just going off what I could find on Youtube.) If someone doesn't have a Patreon or other support method, consider asking them if they'll take suggestions! (Names marked with a * haven't updated for a while and may be unresponsive.)
ABagOfVIcodin - He mostly does analysis these days, but for $15 a month, he'll read a fanfic for you.
BogyleBronies - Features a number of Vicodin's readings
Bradel Bound - He may not update anymore
Caitbug - Hasn't done any fic readings on her own, but if ever she did...
*DeftFunk - I know he's still active!
Dr. CoBrelia - Haven't updated in a while
Dr. Wolf - One of the biggest names in fic reading and analysis. Patreon doesn't give a direct way to get him to read things, but maybe around the $50 level something could be worked out...?
Emogak - Patreon is for her studio, and not her directly.
Forest Rain - Patreon has no reading rewards.
Goombasa - Fanfic reading options at the $10 and $25 tiers.
Illya Leonov - The man, the myth, the legend.
JasonOfArgo - Primarily does Let's Plays, but there's a reading or two in there!
Mr. Kenyon - Patreon doesn't have a reading tier, and I'm not sure he does ponies anymore. :B
Neighrator Pony - He's open for requests!
ObabScribbler - Should need no introduction. Reading options on her Patreon for $15 or more per video!
solidmario64 - aka Quill N. Lead
The Captain Sand/Scarlett Blade - Is open for requests on Fimfiction. Tends to read fics out of the featured box.
TheLostNarrator - Should also need no introduction. Readings are at the $100 tier!
VisualPony - Readings are $10 and up!
Not even Pav's A Fork in Time? That really should be your singular exception to the rule, for the sake of good comedy. Awkward boundary-pushing comedy, but good comedy nonetheless.
I'll throw out for my money - while I love getting reviews and readings for my fics, and submit some of them to review groups like TRG and EqD, I don't get too hung up on it. The reason I wanted them once upon a time was for more exposure and readers, and to get good quality feedback. But I get those now without the support of reviewers and groups. Wouldn't mind a few more followers, though...
Still, reviews are a good way to bring the community together, and from my own experience, they enrich my enjoyment of good stories by requiring me to analyze what I like about them and why.
And yes, support readers. It takes a lot of work and time and it gets you and your story more exposure. I regret I lack the money to even support myself, but linking to people is still courteous if they did something for you like a reading or a review.
Like mine
Didn't you once review a story of mine just because I jokingly asked you to? I've always thought your selection process is something like "EENIE MEENIE MINEY oh hey that one has Sunset Shimmer kissing a giraffe as a cover art? Sweet. Readin't it."
Still, I guess it's inevitable that people are going to ask you to review their stuff. It's pretty natural -- you see someone reviews, first thing you do is check if that person is willing to take a peek at your work. It implies your stories are worth their time and stuff. I understand why that might be -- well, not annoying, but a little tiring on your part at best? But eh, take it as a compliment, man. They value the work you do.
Also, hey, you're still more approachable than, say, the Royal Canterlot Library. Those guys are snobs aren't they. Hahah. Good thing none of them are here. They're so dumb. I like the interviews, tho, they're always great. I always wondered -- how do you do them? Just send them a PM and let them reply at their own pace? Chat? Phonecall? You make up the answers? GDoc? GDoc sounds about nice, tho I guess PM is the simplest option.
All that said: PP, read my latest story because it's short and was in the box and you're following me. Bam. I just met all your standards. What are you gonna do. Nothing that's what. I'm gonna edit it and add Pinkiedash and surprise Twilestia just to fuck with your tastes, on top of it.
Serves you fuckin' right.
EDIT: I really hate Twilestia, but Gods-in-law is surprisingly great. Check it out; it's the only story with that plot that I didn't just read -- I added it to my favorites.
Noted.
So that's why you still haven't reviewed my poorly-described Pastebin story of three-way Celestia / Twilight / Shining Armor romance featuring foalcon of Spike and Rarity in second pony perspective wherein my alicorn self-insert saves everypony from Caliborn in Homestuck!
MYSTERY SOLVED
So you won't read my hundred-thousand epic of me attending a convention and getting sent to Equestria as Cloud Strife?
Why you, good sir, do not know and appreciate good talent.
3760752 Link?
3760761
There should be a group dedicated to a story with the inclusion of all these things, but some hook that was so irresistible to PresentPerfect that he just couldn't not read it. Some magnetic, hypnotic force that would compel PresentPerfect, who would then lay in bed at night, agonizing over his new love/hate relationship with the fic. Hours upon countless hours of tossing and turning, soul searching, and possibly tears.
Fanfic writers, this is the cause for the new millennium. Well, the almost-two decades old millennium, but still! Can you crack this nut?
(Also, you could probably just pay him to edit it. Techically within the rules is still within the rules...)
Okay.
But what if it's an AU where Spike's the older uninterested party and Rarity's the lovestruck little kid desperate to get his attention?
Look me in the eyes right now and tell me you wouldn't at least consider it.
3760762 So that story doesn't really exist?
3760740
So, this is your next fic?
3760765
Against my better judgment, I believe that this group might tickle your fancy.
3760768 I'm HOME!
3760752
This is the best response. ..
Just,
mwah
Oh god don't post the Bogyle Brony readings. Those are so bad...
I'll have to get back into reading >.>
I think that's true for many of us...
3760723
Step #6 for getting noticed: When PP asks you what the story contains, lie through your teeth. Under no circumstances should you give him honest trigger warnings.
3760790 One of the nice things about the RIL list is if you bump into the story again, you can say "Hm, I thought it was worth looking at once and now I'm seeing it again. Maybe I *should* look at it.
Or plan B: "Oi, numpty! Read Empty and tell me what you think!
Too much pussyfooting about in these parts.
I was really glad to see Wuten on your list of readers. Was going to get a little miffed on his behalf if he wasn't there, heh.
I feel the pain of the long RIL list.
Also the reality of "I probably won't get to your story in a million years because there's stories from my friends on the site which I haven't read yet."
Though I do sometimes randomly just read stuff because people asked me to, especially if it is short.
3760740
The last time I was interviewed by the RCL, they sent me a list of the questions and I answered them; there was not, if I recall correctly, a "back and forth" type thing like an actual sit-down interview you'd hear on NPR. Though for all I know, they give them the questions beforehand.
3760723
Completely unrelated to my previous post, C^2 did get me to write that Sunset Shimmer fic that one time. Maybe PP would be interested in that one instead.
i25.photobucket.com/albums/c73/pavfeira/LVzaAqb1_zpszbju3nui.png
That all seems reasonable. I recommend Austraeoh
What if I challenged you to a children's card game?
Damn my 99k ramblings! All I want is validation!!!
Do any of those guys and gals do readings of long fics? Ironically, I have run out of motivation to finish my own reading, much as I have run out of motivation for pretty much everything in my life.
3760932
Seconded, but hahaha fucking never gonna happen.
Thanks for the promotion! :) but you forgot a certain GutiBooty and a certain Astro pony for your fanfic reader list. ;)
How about if we've met at Quills and Sofas at Bronycon and we got on pretty well because it's not personal, and you can like me even if you can't stand anything I've written you can still get on with me, but it would be nice if you gave my writing a fair shake, and you've only read me twice and you gave both of those stories an NR, and I while I understood your reviews I still feel, since both of those were contest entries and you were inundated and had to go with first impressions and such just to get through all the stories, that I haven't really gotten a fair review, and two stories out of twenty might not really represent one's true level of competence, but it's just killing me that I can't seem to show you anything that you like.
Um... that was the il;dr version. So, could you review SKITTISH? It's short, and you might like it. Or maybe even Quizzical, which is longer, but it's an easy read and I have been told that it doesn't suck.
It's just that I believe I'm good enough for a Vague or Conditional recommendation and it would mean to world to me if I could get more than NR.
Thanks for your time
I assumed one performed sexual favors/toppled third world gov'ts/sent Fluttershy to Narnia to get reviewed
I mean if any of those still work I'll get my agent on the line obviously
What do you mean by this? What's a review journal?
Lol he just recently made a reading for PP of the longest sentence by Admiral Biscuit.
Also I'm not sure if you are aware but there is an MLP audiobook website.
It's great, I found this nice full read of The End of Ponies by Shortskirtsandexplosions a story I would have never gotten around to if I had to read up the whole thing the old fashion way.
The website also allows you to download the reads which is something you can't do with YouTube so easily.
Still I like to dwell in YouTube reads as well. Great to listen to a story to keep my mind occupied entretained and chilled while I eat, brush my hair, or relax my sore muscles at the end of the day.
~Leonzilla
Not as active as I wish I was.
I can't remember for sure, I think it was Scalzi who made a blog post once detailing just how many people come out of the woodwork to ask him to read their stories and give feedback. Pause for a moment and consider the vast mountain of (censored) this entails. Got a good picture? Now multiply by ten, mostly in stacks of loose paper with no return postage and most probably the only copy the eager young author possesses which only makes sending it back a double money losing proposition for a writer (takes profitable time out of the creative process AND winds up paying to mail it back).
I think (and I'm paraphrasing here) my response in the comment chain was roughly (and in good humor):
So the best chance I have of getting you to review my story is to provide a neatly-bound and carefully edited copy in a return postage paid box, upon which is a 3x5 notecard with three boxes (Good, meh, Bad) stapled to a number of fifty dollar bills (the more bills, the higher probability of a read and a response) Sound about right? :)
3760723
Especially not if Pav writes it. :V
3760740
None of this is incorrect.
If you actually wanna know how the interviews are done (haha your humor is impenetrable sometimes!) it's via GDocs. :B Pretty easy, keeps things accessible to everyone what needs it.
And I've already passed up Gods-in-Law once, so I'm very ehhhhhh.
3760763
The last time someone tried to troll me like that, it didn't work. :B
3760764
I...
I don't like this game anymore.
3760786
You should! :V
3760815
This is sadly a legitimate strategy.
3760883
It sometimes surprised me who I'm not following yet, like GutiuSerenade. D: The order I add channels to my list is extremely arbitrary.
3760928
I'M CONFUSED
3760932
I recommend soaking your head. V: (No but I think there's an audiobook I'm waiting on for that.)
3760998
Okay, so everything I know about Yugioh comes from the abridged series? I've never played it and you would probably stomp me? <:B
3761014
None of the Patreons I've linked to have tiers for anything over 10k, if that. That said, VisualPony frequently does extremely long fics, but he's in the middle of Project Horizons right now.
3761015
Yes! Astro-Brony is another I need to be following! D: I'll have to make sure I remedy this the next time I have a chance to.
3761063
Skittish it is!
3761235
Yeah, I'm familiar. I need to upload my readings there still. :/
3761289
Active enough to hear your name spoken! :O
3761497
Though I won't advertise it, if someone sends me a copy of their fic print run, I am more or less honor-bound to read and review it. It's happening once so far!
3761503
i25.photobucket.com/albums/c73/pavfeira/brownie_bun_rude_zpslejfgzih.png
Naw but really, Gods-in-Law is great. As I recall it, it's moreso a character study on Celestia. The relationship with Twi matters, but takes second priority.
3761503 You didn't answer my question tho, what did you mean by review journal?
Like, what is it? how does it work?
3760763 poopfic trumps all. He would read that.
3761503 Oh, it works out fine AS LONG AS YOU AREN'T SUBMITTING TO SOME SHADY REVIEWER WHO SPITEFULLY PRETENDS TO LIKE THINGS HE SECRETLY HATES JUST TO WIN!
You know that fic was a NR.
3761564 Hmmm. Poopfic is one genre I have yet to cover. Let's see what story titles I can come up with...
Flutterbat Sat in Scat: A Poopy Ponyville Problem
Even Pinkie Poops
Two Mares, One Croup
Twilight Just Can't Stop
Twilight Just Can't Stop, Part 2 - Still Shitting
Twilight Just Can't Stop, Part 3 - Ponyville - The Half-Brown Town
Twilight Just Can't Stop, Part 4 - Spike and the Quest for the Enchanted Cork
Any of those catching your fancy, PP?
3761594 Ponify this
3760764 ...
I feel like, even if this story doesn't exist, you should claim that it does, because otherwise I might write it.
I actually clicked on this journal because I wanted to work out the answer to a different version of the question;
How did I get Present Perfect to review my story?
And I still don't have the answers.
3761552
The blog posts I write my reviews in? :B
3761575
NR more like NeveR :3
3761594
The first two.
3761716
That's a "recommended to me by others" one. :)
3761875
3761014
AShadowOfCygnus has done several readings of long fics, or long readings of several shortfics (such as my 31-chapter Not Another One-Shot-Ober).
3761128
I . . . um, well. I'm not going to reveal my methods.
3761594
Oh God. Do not give Admiral Biscuit fic titles. He's crazy, and his madness knows no bounds. He might actually write one of those stories, and--even worse--he might credit you as inspiration. Also don't peaches sometimes cause diarrhea in horses?
What have you done?
>3761875
Totally unrelated to the prior comment, I see a challenge. A second person crossover Sparity incest princest Twilestia self-insert foalcon fic with a bad description*. You know, there's a special level in Hell reserved for
people whome.__________________________________________________________
*Ask Meeeeester about my descriptions. I've had several stories fail moderation because of descriptions. No joke.
3761875 Ohhhh then why didn't you just said so?
3761594
I think this last one kinda gives away the ending; but the whole ride until then is bound to be glorious.
~Leonzilla
3761933
Oh, we know.
*Shades slide down*
Vigilo Confido. We're watching.
3761933
Back off crazy horse! If he is not writing "Twilight just can't stop" I vow that I will!
. . .
...Actually, no reason we can't all write one version ourselves.
vintage.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130713955875.png
Imagine if it become like Twilight Sparkle eats peaches...
3761956
A whole series. He gave me titles for a whole series. How can I resist?
3761972
I know! I could even title the whole project Not Another Poopfic and. . .
. . . this will not end well.