Critique Reviews: Fire Mumblem: Path of Equestria · 9:06pm Feb 17th, 2016
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
And welcome to another day in Fire Emblem month.
Last week, we experienced one of the things that I really enjoy. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance.
And this week we’re going to be looking at something that is a lot less good.
A Fire Emblem/My Little Pony Crossover. A bad one too. I don’t care what any green lightsaber says. This fic sucks ass.
So much ass that it starts sucking away at your internal organs. But as much as you all would believe me if I said something sucked, I feel it is still my duty to go through this fic with you and tell you why I think it sucks.
So, this is the review of Fire Mumblem: Path of Equestria by Chris Mcgrassio
Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck a “mumblem” is supposed to be? Is it a typo? Or are you just taking the piss?
Ike sat down with breath of air.
Ike: You know breath of air, something tells me we are going to be the best of friends. Unlike you and my dad.
Ike was a man
As opposed to a toaster.
A man who has done almost everything. Lost his father to his rival, defeated his rival when he got strong enough to get vengeance for his father, safe a whole country by defeating a mad king, and much more.
I’ve got to give props to this story. I thought it would take a least a chapter for me to start not giving a shit. This thing did it in less than a paragraph. Good job.
Does that mean I’m done?
Ike wore a head band around his blue hair, had blue eyes, and wore battle gear with a sword on his back. A sword that he made only for himself called the Dragon Sword which was made in such great platinum that it could cut even Dragon skin from the name of course.
Yeah… Funny thing about that Dragon Sword of his… It’s entirely made up. Seriously, why would you just make up a sword like that?! There is no weapon in the entire game called ‘Dragon Sword’. Granted, there is a weapon in the game called a ‘Wyrmslayer’ which is very effective against dragon enemies, but mediocre against everything else. (Fire Emblem logic, just go with it.)
And another thing that bugs me about this is, Ike already has a really powerful weapon. Ragnell. You know, the sword he killed the Black Knight with? The one that shoots energy blasts?! Why couldn’t you just give him Ragnell? Or would that have made the game too easy? Except for one thing, THIS IS A FREAKING FAN FICTION! NOT A FUCKING GAME! IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A GAME, MAKE A GAME!
"Worn out captain?" His friend said.
Ike looked at him Exasperatedly.
I’m guessing that Exasperatedly is the name of Ike’s friend. I’m only saying that because it’s capitalized when it should not be. That’s my headcanon for this story.
Ike greets Exasperatedly and asks what’s up. Seriously, in the 'Whuz up' kind of way too. Exasperatedly tells Ike that a new world has been unlocked after the completion of their game and they are being hired to check it out and see if the world has any problems. Bandits and the like.
Seriously, this is how they get to Equestria? They just say ‘Hey, let’s fucking go.’ This is the laziest way to get to Equestria I’ve ever seen! And you want to know how they get there? They sail!
Yes, apparently, the world of Fire Emblem is just right next door to Equestria. Yeah, and Hyrule is just a ways down the road. And up my ass is a portal to the world of Pokemon! What the fucking hell? The fic is not even trying at this point! And we’re not even halfway done with chapter one yet!
And then… oh, Jesus fuck…
When a horizontal line is shown, you will be shown what level and strength the characters have at this point. Ike and Boyd are the protagonist of this story, the others will show in due time like Fire Emblem does. The mane six will join later, and the other teammates from the old adventure will join later as well. If anyone knows what a Jagen is, let's just say that Boyd is the Jagen all right?
Ike stepped down from his lord status, so he will be starting all over again, but Boyd......here are there stats :).
Ike: Level 3 Ranger.
HP:22
Strength: 8
Skill: 9
Speed: 7
Mag:0
Luck:5
Defense:6
Resistance: 2
Stat growths: HP: 70%, 50% for str, 45% for Skl, 55% for speed, 0.5% for magic, 40% for luck, 30% for def, and 25% for Res.
That's Ike for the beginning, this is Boyd :).
Boyd: Level 1 Warrior.
HP: 42
Str:16
Skl: 15
Spd:14
Mag:2
Luck:10
Def:12
Res: 6
Stat growths:HP: 75%, 60% for Str, 40% for Skl, 35% for speed, 10% for Mag, 30% for Luk, 40%for Def, and Res 29%.
Boyd is the Jagen, and is promoted, but this is gonna go a different way with the levels ending at 30 instead.
So Ike has a lot of room to grow.
Ok, This introduction is getting boring I know. So let me get onto the beginning of the story of where Ike and Boyd set off to this new land :).
… Remember what I said about this guy wanting to make a game? … Yeah, he literally made a game! These are in game stats! And these are in game growth rates that characters would have when they level up! The percentages are the likelihood that the particular stat in question would increase. He’s making a literal game as a Fan Fic! And you can start to see why this doesn’t work, right?! A game in an interactive medium! The actions of the characters are typically defined by an outside force (aka the player). They are the ones who allow the characters to set off through the story through the gameplay. The gameplay being a chess like strategy game!
This is a fanfic that someone wrote out! It’s actions aren’t determined by a player or the reader like a ‘choose your own adventure’ book, but by the author! We’re just along for the ride and we don’t even have fun gameplay to keep our attention! Fuck, I don’t think we even have interesting characters or a flowing story to follow!
Oh, and good job on describing what a ‘Jegen’ is for those of us who have no idea what that is, leaving me to have the extra job of explaining what the fuck you are talking about!
A ‘Jegan’, in a Fire Emblem game, is a character who is overpowered at the start of the game. However, these characters typically have low stats for a character of their level or have low growths that make them drop off really quickly. The purpose of a ‘Jegan’ is to help inexperienced players through the beginning of the game, by having a powerful unit that they can rely on if they get in trouble. The problem with ‘Jegan’ is that they soak up and waste so much EXP, that using them steals away from the weaker units who need them to become stronger.
Titania from Path of Radiance was an example of this.
And the biggest issue I have with this thing, is that it only gets worse from here.
Ike and Boyd went onto a sailboat that they made together out of wood and sticks.
"I've forgotten how it's like to be rowing in the water with how nice the wind is," Ike said, breathing in the luscious air around him.
Yeah, they just sail on a boat of wood and sticks to Equestria! Even MacGyver would be calling you out on this!
Anyway, they get to Equestria and are immediately attacked by Daein forces.
It's not just Daein Soldiers, look up in the sky Ike," Boyd said.
Ike looked up at the sky, and his heart dropped in fear.
Oh, god! It’s Exterminatus! It’s come to destroy this world! Thank fucking god!
No, it turns out that in the sky is not a bird, or a plane, but the Mad King Ashnard. It turns out that Ashnard likes spilling expositional dialogue since his death.
"I am gonna have to thank that strange pony for resurrecting me later! I feel....SO ALIVE!" Ashnard yelled, laughing while flying on his dragon.
You know… even if he resurrected Ashnard… I think Rajaion is still dead… Great job there story. Way to fuck up the canon.
Ike realizes that Ashnard is attack magical colored horses and rather than question what the hell is going on, he assumes that the horses are good guys and rushes over to help them.
When you see the Italics show, then it'll show the EXP that the characters gained from defeating the enemy.
For example, Ike gained: 32 EXP. For defeating the soldier. The EXP will be determined from the level the character is and how strong an enemy is. Like if a boss is defeated, Ike would gain a level up but Boyd would gain 50 for being a per-promote. Get it? Good, on we go with the story then!
I really hate this story…
"Well well well! If it isn't Greil's little boy from before!" Ashnard said, laughing evilly.
Ike made a stoic face and said, "You will not talk about my father in vain!" angrily.
Gawain! Greil’s name when Ashnard knew him was Gawain! Not Greil! Dear lord, did you even read the review from last week?! I guarantee you that people who’ve never played the game, but read my review would know more about the Fire Emblem universe than this story does!
Also, ‘laughing evil’ and ‘angrily’. Apparently we have no idea how to describe those emotions.
Ashnard orders a pony soldier to attack the two and destroy them, even though he could easily wipe them out considering their low stats, but hey, this story has no so little sense so far, why would attempt to start.
Twilight appears and offers Ike some assistance and joins the party. And what kind of ‘game’ would this be, if we didn’t get to look at her stats and growth rates?!
… No, I’m not going to show it. I’m not encouraging this.
To make a long, drawn out chess game short, Ike and Boyd defeat the soldiers and get their exp. Whoopity doo da…
Something to note about this fic is how gory it is. I say gory, but it’s barely mentions the gore in it. It has blood splashing around, but only in the minimal of sense. Especially when you consider Ike and Boyd slice people in half.
He swings the sword up in the air, and brings it straight down onto his enemy cutting him in half, with blood spewing on the ground erratically.
And Twilight, being the peaceful pony she is, is not affected at all by the brutal bloodshed of it all. Though if ‘Why Did I Do This?’ has taught me anything, it’s that Twilight’s a murderer deep down.
After the battle, Ike asks Twilight to take her to her friends so they can be recruited, so that they have more cannon fodder to throw at the enemy. Twilight, of course, agrees to letting this being she has never seen before enter her home. Especially after he just brutally massacred a bunch of ponies. I’m sure this guy is quite stable.
They make their way back to Twilight’s home where Twilight begins her Q and A. No… Seriously, that’s what the story calls it.
Boyd snored and said, "this mission can go block itself with how boring it is. And Ponies.......horse manure is what that is," And went back to snoring and sleeping.
Boyd has the right idea. I have been getting this ‘boring’ vibe, ever since I started this piece of shit.
"Sorry about him. We've been together as friends for a long time and he gets bored very easily."
With this story, I’m not really all that surprised.
"It's all right. Now then! Next question....how did you know that dragon rider?" She asked.
Ike frowned.
Boyd opened his eyes and said, "He's a dutterhead.
Oh, nice insult there, sleeping beauty. Tell me, what’s your next insult? Stinky? Poopyface? MeanyMcMeanyPants? The wit you have is truly boundless!
"Now then, if you excuse me.....I have sleeping to go back to and dreaming of having fun bending soldiers in half with my hands. Peace," Boyd said, going into the fetal position with his two hands on his head.
Our heroes, everyone! They constantly dream about putting others to death! Seriously, Boyd was a bit of a hothead in the game, but he wasn’t bloodthirsty! He wasn’t constantly looking to kill people! Is it really hard to get the characterization right?!
"Why is he so mad and everything?" Twilight asked.
Ike looked at Boyd.
"......All right. If he doesn't wake up so I can say it.....It's because we are on this mission ourselves and he gets bored very easily," Ike said, rolling his eyes.
Great, some humor. Ha, ha. You wanna answer that question, Ike?
Twilight giggled.
"Sounds like a friend of mine," Twilight said.
Feel free to answer that question, Ike.
"Oh really?" Ike asked, raising his eyebrows.
Uh… Ike… buddy… Hello?
Twilight nodded.
"Yeah. You want to meet them? I can go get them and we can answer your questions of how he came here in the first place," Twilight suggested.
Ike nodded.
"All right. That would be a great idea. We need as much help as we can anyways," Ike said.
HELP AGAINST WHAT?! You have explained nothing to her! This is supposed to be this ‘Q + A ;D’ as the chapter so aptly puts it, but you haven’t explained one thing about yourselves or who you are or why Twilight should trust the psychotic maniacs who kill everything in sight as opposed to the other psychotic maniac who kills everything in sight!
Twilight leaves to gather up the main six while Ike waits in the house. It never says why Twilight leaves them there. It’s not like people are frightened of humans or something because… clearly Twilight trusts him. So, why would Ike not go with her? Is he just too fucking lazy to do so?
Meanwhile, Boyd starts working out, because that’s what I want to see in a story. Boyd toning his muscles instead of Ike explaining to the main six what the hell is going on. Oh, and of course, when the main six get there, we have Ike checking them out like pieces of meat that he wants to sell for glue.
Because he fights for his friends.
Ike smirked, and decided not to be a pervert and just introduce himself. (Nope. No sexual things just yet ;).
Oh, good, something new and stupid I can look forward to.
"My name is Ike. It's nice to meet you and make your acquaintances," Ike said, putting his arm on his chest and bowing a little for respect.
'I may not hate bowing, but I want to make sure that these ponies can trust me,' Ike thought, berating himself a little for bowing.
… So… wait? You like bowing? … Then why are you berating yourself for doing so?! Is Ike really this stupid?!
Oh, and meet the main six, I hope all of you know who they are, because I’m not convinced the story does!
The white and pink pony smiled, The yellow one shriveled away, and the orange and blue one stared skeptically.
Who will Ike get together with? Duh, the obvious choice. Rainbow Dash, because the author has no creativity whatsoever.
Twilight explains that the soldiers just showed up one day, apparently, not having any reaction to talking ponies existing. And then Ashnard showed up and claimed that he was going to … you guessed it… take over the world.
Interesting how Equestria is kind of already the world Ashnard wanted it to be. With Celestia being the strongest pony and thus she is the ruler. If it weren’t for her and Luna, not even the cycle of day and night would exist. That’s pretty powerful.
The group is attacked by Daein soldiers, interestingly Celestia has forbidden her army to fight the troops of Daein, and it forces Ike and Twilight to fight them off instead. And in true heroic fashion, our heroes chop off the soldier's head, gleefully laughing while they do so.
They slashed through the enemies, but Boyd got most of them. By cutting their heads off so majestically and everything.
You know, most heroes of Fire Emblem don’t enjoy killing people, but they do it because they have no other choice. Not because they are psychotic idiots that need to be put down!
After a battle where the ponies mirror the bloodlust of the heroes, giving me ‘Their Fiercest Enemies’ flashbacks, Volke, the assassin hired by Greil to kill him if he ever goes nuts, but you already knew that, because I told you last week. So, why I am repeating this information? Because I know the story has no idea who the fuck this character is!
Volke tells Ike he knows what’s going on and he is going to explain the whole plot to us. Only chapter 3 and the entire plot is about to be spoiled… Thank christ! That means this fic is almost over!
Welcome. Now I have the secret character and the ponies and the others to still do......yay -_-.
(Goddammit -_-)
Aw… Is punching the numbers in too hard? THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE DOING IT IN A FAN FICTION!
Volke explains that three ponies brought Ashnard back to life, so we could have a plot in this story. It was…
And our heroes react with…
"Wait? Twilight is a princess?" Boyd asked, surprised about the sudden introduction to her being a princess.
That’s your biggest question?! How about why the fuck did Twilight and the princesses revive a psychotic killer?! Did they just see his dead body and decide to bring him back to life out of pity?! Admittedly, Twilight might not have known that he was evil when he was alive, but seriously, does this look like a face you can trust?
But before Volke has time to answer any question anyone might have, he runs off and is never seen again. Thanks for that intro, bro! Way to drop a plot bomb and then leave without anything resolved.
Ike goes off to check on Twilight and her friend, who are horrified at the death they have caused. Jesus, it’s almost like Ike and Boyd are fucking psychotic!
But Ike knows exactly what to say to cheer everypony right up!
"I would like it if I actually got to know you girls really, it seems like we're gonna be helping each other a lot in the near future," Ike explained, with a curious expression.
And everypony just kind of forgets about the dead bodies in Twilight’s front yard. I’m sure they’ll work themselves out.
Also, I’ve just notice that there is an extreme lack of Spike… What if?
No… No. No. That’d be stupid.
Twilight finally agrees to tell us what is going on, but only after the orange pony goes off to get the other human that lives here. I guess humans just commute to Equestria. Why not? Since it’s apparently a short boat ride away.
And suddenly the story turns into the author bashing on the first two episodes of the series… I’m not even fucking you. And the worst part is, it’s not even bashing that makes any kind of sense or has anything to add. It’s just… there…
Twilight nodded and began the story.
"We got our Elements on the day I first came here in Ponyville. We weren't even friends at that time either," Twilight said, awkwardly smiling.
"Just get to the point Twilight," Boyd said, giving her a bored gaze.
"Fine," Twilight replied, looking at the laid-back man with an annoyed glare.
Twilight coughed "Ahem! Anyways, after our tests through the Everfree Forest. We found the old castle and went inside to find the elements," She said.
"Wait," Boyd asked. "When the frick did you get there?" He asked, confused.
"You wanted me to get to the point. So shut it," Twilight told Boyd.
Boyd grumbled to himself in annoyance.
"After defeating Nightmare Moon with the power of friendship and our elements. We became friends, and have even ever since," Twilight said, smiling.
"How long ago was that?" Ike asked.
"About three years ago," Twilight replied.
Boyd groaned.
"That was like nothing! We didn't get to know nothing! All that we got to know was Nightmare Moon! Where's the good stuff? You know? The fighting? I mean, heck I even know that there is more to that story then you say!" Boyd exclaimed.
"We didn't really fight Nightmare Moon, we just got the elements together, shot a beam at her, and poof! Life is back to normal!" Twilight said in a happy manner.
Boyd gained a blunt expression.
"That just sounds like bull exposition! I mean to me that is called' Worthless time' I mean....that is fricking boring! You know what else? If I was there, I would hit her with my axe and chop her head off. No more problems! But no, you guys just hit her with a beam and she is still alive!" Boyd said, completely annoyed.
"Well...she is a spirit that took over Luna, but we saved her from that evil pony!" Pinkie said, smiling
Ike explains that Twilight and her friends were too soft on Luna and that they should have killed her. They try to explain that they didn’t want to kill, but Ike says that My Little Pony should be a much darker show where blood is spilt and death is commonplace.
"This ain't no happy-go-lucky life Twilight. This is real life, serious business. And you not taking care of Nightmare Moon could've made your wholes world in peril just because you didn't kill Luna. This is not a kid's show. This is serious shit, and I would like for anypony who disagrees with me to try and come up to my face and tell me what is real from killing someone for pace, or just letting them live for them to keep doing their horrifying things in life," Ike said to Everypony in the room.
He looked at Everypony in the room and said, "Well? Who wants to disagree with me?"
… Wow… Just… fucking wow… You know, Ike may have been reckless and arrogant, but he was at least likable. Everything he did, he did to help people. He always gave his opponent a chance to surrender and survive their encounter. Even at his worst, Ike would never say any of this shit!
And answer me this Ike, when Nasir betrayed you to Daein and allowed Ena to escape, tell me, did you chop his head off and put it on a pike on your throne? Or how about when Jill, from the Daein army, joined your ranks because she wanted to know why she was wrong about the Laguz prejudice she had been raised her whole life with, AFTER you had given her a chance to return to her homeland and rejoin her allies?!
… Why are you the hero again?!
I hate to use this clip from Teen Titans Go… but it seems really appropriate here.
And fortunately, the story has not been finished. Yeah, I tried to find a story that was completed for this month that was MLPXFire Emblem, but I couldn’t find one that was completed.
But based on what I have read of this story, this story sucks!
It’s main hero is far too unlikable and mean spirited! The characters are psychotic murders, who only differ from the psychotic murders we’re supposed to not like by name!
The talking head syndrome is all over the fucking thing! The descriptions are lazy! The plot feels half thrown together! Half of it makes no sense! The main six are barely characterized! Characters appear and disappear before you can establish anything!
And it plays itself like a joke! A giant joke! One that isn’t even funny! The game additions to this story are completely unnecessary and only serve to distract the reader from the story that is trying to be told. I would be more angry at this if the story was actually good, but it’s not even that.
It’s just tedious. The characters of Fire Emblem are way brutal to the My Little Pony characters in a way that would make Mykan proud. If this was someone’s first introduction to Fire Emblem, this would turn me off because of how mean spirited and psychotic the characters are made out to be!
Hopefully, if this story does plan to continue, it would have to make some drastic changes for me to make a drastic change in my opinion about it!
As expected; can't have the good without the bad
Ooh joy, this should be fun.
*exhale*
Ike: I know, right? Man, I should have expected more than that...
Nope.
Because the author wanted to make a self-insert Mary Sue, but was too lazy to come up with a new name.
Also, "Dragon Sword" sounds cool on paper, but isn't really that cool when you compare it to other weapon names. Like Godsplitter. Or Bloodreaver. Or Gorechild. Or Stevie (I made that one up; it's a Gladius forged from a silver/iron alloy so it hurts supernatural beings of all types. The current owner is a woman in her early twenties).
NO! BAD AUTHOR! BAD! NO USING HORRIBLE ADVERBS LIKE THAT! BAD AUTHOR! NO BISCUIT!
Clearly, getting sucked into a mystical whirlpool or slaying four gods was overacheiving.
Mass Effect: The Equestrian Equation did this much better; the author would write a chapter having Shepard and co. doing stuff, and then the author's note (remember this is important) would display a variety of options for the characters to take next. Once the votes were tallied, the author would write the next chapter showing the consequences of that action and setup the next choice (and since this is Mass Effect, the karma meter was in place). And the entire fic was set up as if it were the storyline of DLC for Mass Effect 2 and didn't break the Willing Suspension of Disbelief.
If flows better. It keeps the audience engaged. It's an interactive fanfic that you can also see as part of a game. It is not this.
I remember those from a strategy game I played; the introductory campaign gave you a powerful wizard with devastating lightning attacks on the first mission, but he wouldn't always be around for some missions and was very much a Squishy Wizard, so you had to level up some tougher dudes to pick up the slack and make sure he didn't die. Also, he gained no real advantages from leveling up besides more health.
He's very loquacious for a mercenary captain. Not saying Ike is stupid, but I imagine he'd be more blunt and to the point in his dialogue.
Yes! Burn in the Holy Fires of the Emperor, heretics!
At this point I'd be questioning whether or not the author even played the games...
Funnily enough, in The Empress Returns I was going to give Twilight stats in case someone wanted to make a mini of her and use her in a game. They would improve as she acquired new wargear and powers, but that would be regulated to author's notes so they DIDN'T BREAK THE FLOW OF THE STORY!!!
They would be something as follows:
Weapon Skill: 3
Ballistic Skill: 3
Strength: 3
Toughness: 3
Initiative: 3
Attacks: 1
Wounds: 2
Leadership: 7
Armor Save: 4+
That doesn't mean much, but I'm always there to explain.
And I was going to have Twilight break down sobbing for home when the guy she's handcuffed to takes an Ork Chainaxe to the skull.
I would have gone with genocidal dick, but what do I know?
Khorne smiles upon you, brother. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
Yeah, that's way too bloodthirsty for a supposed hero. Even the most gung-ho of heroes I have read don't say things like this.
Rainbow Dash has been shipped with everything, including the proverbial sink. Give the girl a break, will you?
Also the spiky armor. Have you ever seen a good guy wearing spiky black armor?
... I'm sorry, what?
I mean, I know I wrote a story where Celestia is a warlord that has thousands killed in the name of peace, but I wrote it with a good justification and showed how Celestia changed. This, though, is just trying to be dark and edgy for no reason other than to destroy the innocence and fun in the series (kind of like what the latter half of RWBY Volume 3 did for me).
... Please let this guy be a troll.
And it's not finished as well. Maybe some good wil come from this review.
Oh, F-this I am so gone!!!!
* runs away, then is brought back*
You know, when I do this in a fic...it usually a joke.
...I thought he gather\ed the mane six, I count three here. Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and somepony with an odd color scheme
The orange and Blue pony: I'm kill switch
Does that mean your special talent is...
Kill switch: Yeah, making reviews of children's cartoons. Problem, buddy?
Nope.
Me, Superman, Spider-man, Iron man, Cap, Wonder Woman, even Batman (properly written), Daredevil, Prof X, Sailor Moon, Goku, Luffy, Jonathan Joestar, Sakura the cardcaptor, a few Kamen Riders, Flash, Green Lantern-
-Will, Bloom, Ash, Sonic, Darkwing Duck, the mane six, the lunaverse six, the Candenceverse six, the Minor variation six, Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Luke Skywalker, Ultraman-
-Booster Gold if it made him look good, Blue Beetle, Fire, Ice, Link, Naruto, Ichigo, Ant-man, Jewel (Before Jessica Jones got raped for a few months), Deadpool if I paid him enough to say it, Optimus Prime, Optimus Primal, Linkara, Mr. Rogers, Kenshin Himura, Utena-
-Every member of the Teen Titans, The superhero versions of the mane six, and...oh. We're done, but what I am saying Ike is...you're a loser who is a poorly written possession sue that once again falls into the catagory of "I like this better than show I am crossing over with, so here is my character to prove why my stuff is superior." Congrats, you joined the ranks of Blood Moon, Von Doom, and that Kamen Rider W crossover as some of the stupidest crap I ever read.
You know, that clip of serious would be funny if it was on something actually good like Batman Brave and the Bold or something else. Here, its just feels stupid.
But thank goodness this wasn't completed. Yeah, this probably would've turned me off the games if I had read it. Its just, grrrrrrr, The fic has the feeling of a guy who just found out what a fic is and wanted to try it.