Critique Review: The lone stallion · 7:35pm Jun 1st, 2016
It might help you all to know a bit about how my schedule works.
Reading and reviewing these fics takes longer than you may realize. Coming up with new material isn’t always easy. And then there are Disney porn videos that I watch and masterbate to. Which probably take up most of my time.
And since I don’t get paid for doing these, the longer fics have to take a back seat until I can find time to do them. One day I’ll get paid for doing these, once I figure out how to keep up with my competition. And the only thing I can think of doing is to murder them.
But until my death ray is built, let’s focus on The lone stallion. No that’s really how it’s spelled in the title. It’s okay, bro. You can capitalize each word in the title. It doesn’t bite.
Not yet anyway. I’m still building the words can literally hurt you-anator.
The bright glow of the twinkling stars shone wondrously through the calming night and stretched their heavenly light all over the peaceful land of Equestria.
I don’t care how fancy you dress it up in, that’s still ‘The sun was shining brightly over Ponyville!’
Our story begins with Luna making her rounds and invading ponies private dreams. Some of which she wished she had never seen. Kind of like some of those Disney Porn videos I’ve watched.
As Luna performs her rounds, she hears the scream of a nearby mare and decides to investigate. On her way there, she meets with a unicorn, whose mane is made of fire. So, this pony?
Admit it, that would be freaking awesome. I mean… If the two writers I knew that were doing a Ghost Rider story was any good.
The unicorn yells at Luna, which is only slightly above falling in love with her instantly on the stupid things to do in front of the all powerful princess, Luna tries to calm him down, but the unicorn isn’t having any of it and dashes off.
“Stop young unicorn!” she yelled out to him “I am only here to help thou! I mean you no harm!” She tried to calm him down, but it only made the stallion angrier.
“Liar!” he yelled back at Luna and continued to run deeper into the Everfree forest.
Why do you keep switching back and forth between speaking the royal tongue and not?! Pick a side and stick to it, Luna! Do we not know what ‘thee’ means?
Thou art being a royal pain in the ass!
His dark flaming mane was now united with the density of the wild trees, making it impossible for Luna to properly locate him.
Yes, a light source in the middle of a dark forest in the middle of the night is impossible to find with your eyes closed.
Luna continues to look for him and calls out to him, because secretly, she wants him to put his dick inside her.
“Many apologies, young stallion, for ‘twas not mine intention to frighten thee. Please, I only seek to help you with your problems,” Luna spoke soothingly as she slowly paced herself through the forest.
Luna, however, is suddenly attacked by a mysterious creature, a large green snake. Is this going to be like the film ‘Anaconda’? Because that is a fantastic bad movie.
The snake performs a Ka-like hypnosis on Luna and then proceeds to sing a song about how he’s going to eat her.
Man, the Jungle Book isn’t a good as I remember.
Luna falls asleep and then wakes up in her bedroom, as if this was a dream. However, as she examines the castle, she finds that the royal guards are missing.
She looked around and noticed that the Royal Guard armors were lying all over the floor. They were just barely visible under the dim fire of the torches lined up through the hall. Upon closer inspection Luna noticed traces of hair and blood in some of them, but their ex-occupants were nowhere to be seen.
With how useful they are to the series, I didn’t even know they were there to begin with.
She walks into the next room where she sees the main six and Discord defeated and the elements of harmony shattered on the floor. Above them is Nightmare Moon laughing like a maniac.
Celestia shows up and starts chewing her out for being a bitch and destroying everything she loves.
You have a lot of courage to show your face here again. How could you do this to us?! We trusted you… I trusted you! I thought you had changed! But I should have known that the darkness would be too much for you to bear. You brought this fate on us!” Celestia screamed at Luna, her eyes filling up with tears. Luna couldn’t believe the hurtful words coming out of Celestia’s mouth.
She doesn’t really mean that. She’s just mad because the fan base now prefers Cadance.
The Serpent finally appears and whispers to Luna to eat the apple… I mean, that the vision she is seeing is her future and that there is no escaping it. Luna denies it, but the Serpent is pretty confident with himself.
Luna wakes up from her nightmare and sees Celestia standing over her, taking care of her.
Turns out she had been in the Everfree Forest when one of the royal guards found her and brought her home. Celestia had been by her side ever since. Aw… Now, let’s see how we can mess this up?!
Luna is obviously troubled by what she saw and despite being out for apparently DAYS Celestia doesn’t bother asking what happened.
Yeah, Luna, you’re still in the dream sequence. Only the dream sequence Celestia would not ask what the hell happened? Why were you in the Everfree Forest? What were you doing there? How did you pass out?
Though to be fair, Luna doesn’t exactly say, by the way, do you know anything about an evil serpent with the power to see the future? So, I guess both of them get stupid points today.
A pony named Amethyst approaches them and warns them of creatures of Tartarus escaping with Hades’ permission. Celestia is rightfully pissed that Hades would do this and decides to travel to Tartarus to discuss it with him.
“I am sorry, Amethyst, but princess Celestia needs to get some rest. She has been up for the past few days, so I hope thou could leave us alone,” Luna explained.
What is it with this story and not capitalizing important names? You can capitalize ‘princess’ here, it’s okay!
“Of course, thank you for your time,” Amethyst said and took a bow and stomped her hooves before exiting the room.
… Um… was Amethyst pissed at Luna and Celestia? Celestia and Luna only got angry because Hades went back on his word to guard Tartarus’s most wanted ponies, not because she delivered a message! Why else would she stomp her hooves?!
Luna tucks Celestia into bed for her to rest and to get her out of this fic and even sings her a lullaby. Yes, a grown mare needs a lullaby to go to sleep. And maybe she would like her bwanky and her wittle teddy bear. And a night wight so that the big scary boogeyman doesn’t get her.
Seriously, you made this too easy, Celestia.
Luna is still distraught about her vision of the future that the snake showed her, but isn’t about to tell Celestia she got beat by an animal with no limbs. That would just be embarrassing. She’ll tell her after she’s enslaved, so Celestia will be in a more humiliating position.
At the same time, she finds a pair of ponies arguing with one another. Oh, is Cadance going to shine some magic light and then they’ll be besties forever?
“I will tell you only once: The princess is unable to respond to your request at the moment!” Amethyst argued with general Cloudstorm.
“What?!” the general responded harshly “I shall not be talked to in such a demeaning manner! By a foul earth pony, no less!”
Well, general, I have a tactic for you to outwit. It’s called FUCK YOU UP YOUR ASS!
Princess Luna has the wrong response for this situation and calmly tells the general that his racist comments will not be tolerated and warns him not to say such things again.
Not enough cursing if you ask me.
The general tells Luna about the mysterious stallion she meet earlier in the woods and that many of the soldiers he had sent to find him have come back different. We aren’t told how they are different or anything like that, but I’m sure you can figure it out. They had a crazy obsession with jelly.
Luna tells the general to continue investigating, but remain cautious.
But no time for the evil serpent and the forces of Tartarus thing to deal with, we have an apple dispute to figure out!
I’m not even fucking kidding!
Even before she fell into a coma Luna had heard of the plight of these two apple distributors. The Eastern apple orchards mostly consisted of those in Las Pegasus plus a few other small orchards. The Western mostly comprised of the Manehattan and Fillydelphia apple orchards. Aside from being run by two different species (the Eastern being run by pegasus and Western by earth ponies) the two unions had different approaches to cultivating apples.
The pegasi had a more modern approach using the very best technology on their harsh terrain to grow apples, while the Western used more traditional technology. These big differences caused a lot of conflict between the two unions which led to the big strike. The Western field lowered the price of their apples by two bits per pound (due to the overwhelming amount of apples they were producing). However, the Eastern pegasi felt they were getting ripped off since they weren’t informed about the price change. Now fewer ponies are buying their apples and they were pretty angry about that which led to a strike.
This summit was supposed to bring an end to that feud and bring peace to both sides. Luna had been hearing about this assembly for quite a while. She knew that if the feud went on, even for a day, the ponies would become much more bitter. She didn’t want to prolong it. She was going to put this argument to rest once and for all. Wrapped up in her thoughts Luna formulated reasons she could give these ponies to stop fighting. All of them seemed perfectly logical to her but how would the representatives take it? A loud knock on the door managed to snap Luna right out her thoughts.
Yeah, the story just stops to deal with this apple situation that has nothing to do with the plot of the creatures from Tartarus, the mysterious stallion or with Hades. So my question is, why the hell are we focusing on it?!
I mean, I get the point of it. The point is to show that Luna is capable as her sister when it comes to ruling the country, when others doubt her ability. But why are we not focusing on something that could directly connect to the plot of the story?! Why do we have to take this detour of a plot point to come back around to the main story?!
I’m not saying the scene is bad, but it just seems kind of pointless and just thrown in there. There could have been another way to get the same result and deal with the main plot of the story.
After that detour, we find Luna raising the moon and talking about how she has the connection that can raise the moon.
While Celestia did control the rise of the sun its setting was completely out of her control. The Sun itself moved freely over the pale blue sky, but without the aid of Celestia's magic the Sun would never rise. The Moon was a different story in itself. It was connected to Luna by a special bond which could never be duplicated.
Except when you were sent to live on the moon for 1000 years and your sister took over your job. Someone is in fucking denial.
Although, Luna could not control the stars (as that could be only done by Celestia and even then it was only to a certain degree) they were just as beautiful as her beloved Moon.They told her stories during lonely nights; stories about brave ponies fighting injustice, about weary travelers in search of a great treasure and stories about explorers whose only guide in finding their truth were these beauties of the night.
Yeah, but all I ever see are ponies who bang princesses despite having no chemistry, a murderous pony who doesn’t even try to protect those she loves from herself, and a race of super unicorns who are better than everyone else. The stars above my sky suck.
Luna heads down to the Castle of Two Sisters where she gets nostalgic for all the memories she has. Again, what does this have to do with the fucking Tartarus plot?! It’s fine for Luna’s character, but she’s not there trying to solve anything! She’s not there to look for the serpent and she gets distracted by her memories! She just goes there and looks around!
However, as she lives the memories of how she became Nightmare Moon, she suddenly spots the unicorn she saw the other night. She restrains him and gets him to talk.
“Now, do you have a name?” Luna asked the disabled stallion
“Darkrim,” the unicorn stuttered, still in shock.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! God… That was awesome. But seriously, what’s your real name?
“Darkrim,” the unicorn stuttered, still in shock.
Yes, yes, ha, ha, very funny. But seriously, I’m on a tight schedule. What’s your real name?
“Darkrim,” the unicorn stuttered, still in shock.
… Oh, you have got to be kidding me…
“That’s me ma’am” the unicorn spoke, a bit more relaxed than before “Son of King Hades and Queen Persephone and heir to the throne of Tartarus. Well ex heir to be precise,” he said with sorrow in his eyes.
Yes, because two Greek mythological gods would totally name their child something that sounded like a goth’s deviantart user name! Are you fucking for real?!
Anyway, Luna ask… ugh… ‘Darkrim’ what he is doing in Equestria and why he’s with the serpent.
‘Duckrim’ explains that he was banished from Tartarus for disagreeing with his father on somethings. Turns out that Hades hated the name ‘Darkrim’ as much as I do. The serpent named Radifus (an infinitely better name than fucking Darkrim!) said that if he could get the Elements of Harmony, he could have the power to overthrow his father.
However, Luna explains that the Elements of Harmony are no longer in the castle and even don’t have a physical form. Fuckrim is confused by this and wants to know why the serpent, now known as a basilisk would lie to him. He runs off to find the basilisk with Luna following him and we get… this line...
Luna quickly jumped up to her hooves and began the pursuit, leaving Darkrim alone in the Element room. She walked silently, using the supporting pillars as her ‘cloaking device’.
Why does the citizens of Equestria know what a clocking device is? And why the hell does the story just say ‘she ducked behind a pillar’?! Or is this story too cool for that?! It’d be like saying in a Lord of the Rings story ‘And so Gandalf used his magic to lift the cup from the table and to his hand. Just like in the Star Wars movies. Not the prequels though. Those movies sucked ass.’
Radifus finally spots her. Might want to get a refund on that ‘cloaking device’, Luna. And Radifus tries to get under her skin. However, Luna isn’t fooled a second time and states that she sees Radifus as a coward who’s too afraid to fight her on an even plain. Instead, he uses dirty and underhooved tactics to beat the far stronger Princesses. Which I honestly wished more stories would do, instead of just making up bigger, badder and stronger beings to fight Celestia and Luna. Not unlike the series did with Tirek. Though, Tirek was created long before Friendship is Magic, so I’ll let that one slide.
The basilisk attacks Luna, but when Luna becomes too much for him, he summons a bunch of Slender Men to deal with her.
But Luna decides she wants to build an army as well and makes an army of The Thing from Fantastic Four. Oh, I want to see this fight. Slender Man Vs the Thing! Make it happen, ponies!
However, Radifus gets the upperhoof in their fight and knocks Luna down. ‘Cockrim’ sees Luna hurt and activates his protective love for her and attacks the basilisk.
It is then the basilisk’s evil plan is revealed. It’s basically the plot of God of War. Ares is unleashing an army of the undead with the help of Hades and is going to destroy Athens… I mean, Canterlot.
Luna and Riff Raff battle Radifus and eventually defeat him. However, the basilisk escapes before he can be captured. Good job there, heroes.
And so our story ends with Luna and Tic Tac heading back to Canterlot to prepare for war, with Love Tap accepting Luna’s friendship request on Facebook.
So, what did I think of it? This story is… just okay.
Honestly, while there are parts that I find tolerable, there are some parts that aren’t quite as good. Luna and Celestia were rather well done and the ideas for the war against the creatures of Tartarus reminded of the ‘Equestrylvania’ battles. Which as you might recall, I liked Equestrylvania.
However, the story doesn’t do anything with it. Maybe it’s saving it for the sequel, but honestly, this story could have used that plot point in this story, instead of saving it. It might even have been better for it.
Yeah, the serpent is defeated, but his plan isn’t really foiled. Ares is still building an army. He’s still causing problems. Why have the story end here instead of solving the main issue?
We don’t learn much about Darkrim, outside of him being the son of Hades and that he got tricked by Radifus. Honestly, a tighter focus on him interacting with Radifus where he trusts him would have been better to see.
And why is the story called ‘The lone stallion’ anyway? It barely focused on him!
The story is padded in the worst way, with scenes that don’t contribute anything to the overall plot of the thing.
I give it points for not doing the ‘love at first sight thing’, though if Luna ends up falling for this guy, I might have to take those away.
Ultimately, I feel the fic is medicore. I’ve certainly read a lot worse fics, but it has some things that hold it back from me giving it a positive rating. There was nothing I was outright angry at or just asking ‘What the fuck?!’, but there’s nothing that stood out as amazing either. It’s just kind of there. And in a kind of forgettable kind of way, unfortunately.
How forgettable, you ask?
I’ve forgotten!
Don't you mean "lone stallion"
And the lower case thing is... well, it's a thing. Caps aren't that scary, dear author.
Which is why I usually ditch it. I don't want my Olde Butchered Englishe to get any more butchered.
This... this actually happens? I mean, I've seen contrived reasons for songs, but this is like Mykan levels of contrived.
That's bad...
At least Luna isn't avoiding telling her about the voices in her head...
Why is Hades always the bad guy? I mean, death is spooky and what have you, but when you read the original myths Hades was probably one of the nicest of the Greek Gods. I did my best to make him something a neutral character (and though Princess of Themyscira really doesn't hold up on second reading Hades was one part I really enjoyed writing), so why is he a bad guy?
I bet his real name is Steve.
That sounds like a neat idea... *takes down notes for future stories*
That's something else I've noticed. The old quote is that 90% of everything is crap, but I like to think that 90% of that 90% is only mediocre. There are quite a lot of fics out there that are just bland and don't stand out all that much, and with a little work could be genuinely interesting...
Alas.
You have a schedule?
First off I really liked this review. You pointes out some flaws and I agree fully with the final verdict. Its far from my best fanfic bu it was my first attempt (yeah yeah excuse excuse pfft), Anyway time to clear up a few things.
First off I cannot justify Darkrim. I have even lampshades it a few times in later fics (since now I am stuck with it), but its still no excuse. I wrote this fic without any previous dealings with the fandom and so I wa sunaware of fucking common this name is.
Second I really wanted to write this in an episodic way with eachfic in the series giving a piece of the information and slowly building up to the grand war. Its an ongoing project to say the least so I am sorry if this one came out so lacking.
The Luna and Celestia scene does need some more work and the orchard scene was kinda more towards Luna. In fact Luna was supposed to be center character for this fic with Darkymoo and Radi taking a back seat to her. I might rename it for this reason (if I ever come up with a name for it).
Some of thethings I used in this fic were really silly upon hindsight but hey at least it got better (not really but I am trying). The cloaking device is especially weird now and I will correct it soon enough.
Also I tried to erase and correct a lot of the old english in this fic but that one slipped under my radar so I'll clear it up.
Also Ares is Hades' general in this (well one of his generals).
At the very least I can guarntee you that Luna and Darkrim do not nor willthey ever get together. Nor will he get together with any of the Mane Six. Ever!!!! Besides he already has a love interest for another OC of mine. Yeah I have se weird plans for this series but as is the first one isnt too great (or even all that good).
Oh and that Ferngully clip was just genius. Although its only somewha of a chant per se its still amazing you used it.
Anyway keep up the good work matey. These reviews are always fun to read and it was interesting to be onthe receiveing end for a change.
You mean like Rainbow Bob? Yes, you have some heavy composition with that one. He will be a hard one to sink, seeing that he is already well over his head in deep water. I guess about your only hope with him is to wait and see if his efforts here eventual dries up.
Seems it is bottoms up with a drink or two till then.
There is an ever building cornucopia of them amassing within the web over two new individuals.
And here, don't they just look cute together?
s.fishki.net/upload/post/201411/18/1330003/e8af0b5f8d970df1cc0b8497c922a177.jpg
Oh' yes. I forgot, it is inappropriate for any other than a rabbit to call a rabbit cute. At least according to the cartoon it is.
Well, none is likely going to be calling this rabbit cute any time soon. He will not need to worry about that.
justrabbits.com/images/really-scary-rabbit-head.jpg
So, you are saying Critique that you don't think that spideremblembrony's story Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance isn't any good?
I didn't think it was half bad myself. Then again I am generally easy to please. That reminds me, I got to get back to reading the next chapter after The Glue Trap. Seems there is not much else after it though. I wonder if spideremblembrony is going to be continuing it.
Me thinks Luna wishes to play a game of macro polo with the lad, just to show him she knows how to have fun too. Though having a youngster ruining into the Everfree is hardly a time for fun and games.
I agree. And I can't forget the moment when the big snake regurgitated a guy and the guy winks at the person looking at him after.
Sorry, I don't care to remember, nor can I, remember all of the specifics of that movie or that moment in it.
Well, Cadence is cuter. There I go using that word again. At least I was not referencing some bunny with it. So I guess it is OK to use this time. Unless ponies have a prob with non ponies calling them cute as well.
You know, I can see how that word can seem insulting to anyone, mostly if said with some sarcasm behind it.
Oh' look. How cute.
Luna also forgets to ask about the flaming child she was after and wanted deep inside her. Hay those were your words, I'm just going with it.
Would be more funny to me if his name was spelled Hey Dees.
I know, what am I thinking?
Hay, I likes the song Lullaby For A Princess. The finished animation I thought was great as well.
So what's wrong with a loving sister singing to her older sister a lullaby anyways? I find it rather sentimental, sweet, and endearing myself.
That is always the best position to have someone else in when you may want things to go your own way.
That's until that person become resentful and finds a way to stab their oppressor in the back when they are not looking.
Kind of kills the fun of having others underfoot, when they won't cooperate and stay underfoot.
And the cartoon has shown how far that obsession can go. Did you see that shifty, shit-eating smirk on that stallion's face? That kind of said it all as to just how much he likes his jelly.
Yes, I think the story forgot about that part. And it was some of the very first things talked about during the first introduction to the cartoon.
I was named that for the one thing I am vary good at. Now let me loose Luna! So I can have at your dark rim and give you the absolute best rim job along your dark rear that you'd ever receive!
A basilisk named Radifus? At least this thing sound cool. A lot better then some who stick to a mean and typical timber-wolf or manticore.
No real ass kissing in this one then? Not sure if I should feel disappointed.
This story had what I felt just might have that in there somewhere. At least it was different in rearguards to that anyway. And you are right. It might be something that is being saved for the sequel.
Though if it is, hopefully it build up to that, and in such a way as to showing both how and why the two fall for each other. Rather than it just happening at some point in the story, for the sake of it just happening. Though Darkrim seems more than too young for Luna. So best if the story never goes that route.
3990290
Seems like my attempt at one such story sequence. It lacked content partly because it was to be the first in a set. I was going to cover more of it in later stories. Though some time later, and with some subtle hints to that lack of info, I added some of it in after.
That, to me seems like a good idea.
Oh' thank the Gods! That is is not going to be another one of those.
Now that would be interesting to see built up. It has been part of what I was doing in a set of mine. Some OCs that developed an unusual relationship together. And would have continued to develop more even after the trilogy that was being made to introduce those very OCs. Each story was to build on getting to know each one, story by story. And after that trilogy was over, I had a twist event that would change their love-triangle in a big way.
Yeah I have some weird plans for my OCs myself. Now I feel I have an interest in knowing more about those two you have.
I though so too. And I loved that song.
3990116
Is why I would avoid it, for much the same reasons. Tough I still wish to give using Zecora in my stories a shot, even if I may not be the best for witting for her.
For many of the same reasons I think as to why so many think of the Devil as a bad guy. In truth, (as far as what I may know of as the truth on it. Take it with a grain of salt if you will.)
The Devil is both a creation and servant of God, and not the bad guy at all. He can create an influence and temptations to see how faithful of a follower a person is to God and willing to do good by him, but is it still the choice of those that do wrong that is to blame for bad things people chose to do. The saying "Devil made me do it." He is not to blame, but it is his position to judge, and that is why people hate him so much. People just don't wish to be judged and punished for the bad choices they make.
As for me, and what I think of the Devil? I see him as an evil goat man, made to be the scapegoat for man's evils. And nothing more. It is sad to me how so many can't take responsibility for the bad actions they do. Even worse to me is how many don't care to prevent themselves from doing wrong to each other before they do wrong. Sad, so sad.
You too.
You know, that is just how I think about some of my stories. Not totally horrible, but lack the luster to make them seem all that good, or noticeable. I think a lot of writers deal with that.
As for my trilogy, I went over the second story again, and I found much wrong with it. Much of the spelling was off. And other things as well that I thought I had fixed, and apparently was not. I was in horrors over what I saw on how my second story looked as it is posted here, in rearguards to how it was written.
I have again rewritten the fist, and am now rewriting the second, both in a way I like better. I found I just don't like how I written them out. I am changing them both some more, and posting the changes on another site. I am also adding much content to the second story I felt was missing. And I am also rethinking on how I represent Applejack.
Yes, her.
derpicdn.net/img/2014/9/26/729700/full.jpg
I think I can do a bit more with her, and not treat her in my story as, well, Applejack the background pony of the main six.
I actually do like applejack a lot. Not that any of my stories shows it.
I did post my new remake of the first story of the unfinished set on the other site. The fist reaction I got within a half hour of posting the fist story was "We need more of this story!"
Though that is the only comment I go on it so far, and that is with my third change I made to it. Not too sure what to think about that yet.
I know, it is hard to know on what to think of one's own story. Wither some do or don't like it, and it is not exactly what one could call a big hit. Oh' Well.
3994091
That was kinda my intention as well, but it is all up to personal preference about this scene. Some can see it as sentimental, while others see it as corny and too childish- It is really up to personal taste with scenes like these in the end.
That's exactly what I did as well. In the sequel to this story I added in some info about Darkrim (his past and emotions were all explained via metaphysical creatures called the MEmoria Guard) while in the next part I shed a bit of a light to situation in Tartarus. And in another one I plan to explain how Tartarus came to be. Like I said, there are so many things I want to do with this idea, that one fic wouldn't be enough. Though to be fair, it wouldn't have killed me if I sacrificed the apple dispute for a chapter about Darky and Radifus. Ehh, hindisght is always 20 20.
Funny enough, the very reason Darkrim has been banished is because of his love interest. I dwellved deeper into the reasoning in the sequel, but the short version is that she is a light pegasus and he is a dark unicorn. Tartarus itself is home to the largest supply of dark magic (shadow controls, mostly offensive) and as such has always been at odds with the Light Manastire of the Solar Pegasi. It all started with the Light Manastire leading a charge on Tartarus during the reign of their second king Dormius, which they failed miserabl, but it forced Dormius to decree a complete ban on the light pegasi. Since then the tensions went down a bit (because Tartarus became the prison section it is today), but the residents were forbidden in foming alliance (fear of espiunage) and if they were caught it would result in an exile on the spot. Strangely enough the light pegasi can't remain in Tartarus for longer than a day since the dark magic is so potent and so polarizing that it actually harms them.
There's a LOT more I have in store (especially for BEatrice Palghieri and Darkrim) so if you're ever interested youcan PM me, but that's the main jist about these two. I really want to expand this, which was the reason I requested this review in the first place. I wanted to see, from an objective point of view, what worked and what didn't with the first one, so I can make their sequels better.
Honestly this sounds like a pretty interesting and expansive idea in itself. And I like how you yourself wanted to explore your characters slowly one by one and the relationships they have. I always love these big ideas that span over a single fic. Unfortunately, mostof the time I don't have the free time to read them (or write them for that matter), which is a damn shame really.
That's a pretty good explanation, but here is the thing. Hades isn't the bad guy in this fic. He is a 'victim of circumstances' so to speak. You see Tartarus is pretty much in shambles at this point, with different groups fighting for prevailance (such as the Tartarian Liberation Movement) and Hades is caught in the middle of it all. The fact he had to banish his own son only disruptED the king more and more. Also his advisor (yeah Radifus is his advisor and an actual friend to the family here) is plotting behind his back to overthrow him using Darkrim as one of his pawns in this game. Not to mention that Hades is in hot water with Equestria due to Tirek's escape.
This is also why Darkrim's first nightmare was about the whole country ganging up on him once Hades passes the torch to him. However, this was all in the sequel, so yet again, it's mostly null and void for this fic.
Most of the things I mentioned have not been written yet, so no wonder the first fic ended up so confusing. I wanted to raise a few questions for its sequels, hOwever I didn't focus on the right stuff in this one, so it's all on me.
3994801
I will respond to this in a PM.
3995908 I await for it eagerly
[youtube=SrDSqODtEFM]