Read It Now Reviews #85 – Pan Flash, The Unexpected Date, All That Jazz, Where Parallel Lines Converge, Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance · 3:04am Jun 29th, 2016
My goal for this week is to get at least one set of Read it Now Reviews done, one set of Read It Later Reviews done, one new story posted, one piece of original fiction sent off to a publisher, and one video game to be played.
So far, I’m at one for five.
Today’s stories:
Pan Flash by GAPJaxie
The Unexpected Date by Monochromatic
All That Jazz by ObabScribbler
Where Parallel Lines Converge by FanOfMostEverything
Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance by The Minister of Scones
Pan Flash
by GAPJaxie
Alternate Universe, Slice of Life
6,547 wordsPan Flash isn't Pinkie Pie -- but she does play her on TV.
Why I added it: Actingverse! Also, GAPJaxie is a good writer.
Review
Barnstormer returns to the studio to fetch her airline tickets, only to be interrupted by the sound of a pony crying deep in the studio. Some investigation reveals her fellow cast member, Pan Flash, sobbing in her room. Pan Flash lashes out at Barnstormer, and just wants her to go away. But Barnstormer isn’t about to abandon her coworker. Sure, they aren’t really friends, but it would be wrong to just leave some pony crying, all alone.
As with all the Actingverse stories, this story fills in the character of Pan Flash – Pinkie Pie’s actress, who is, by her own account, a pretty normal pony (and a pretty bad actor). Her reason for being sad is very normal, and in the end, is not totally illogical. We got to learn more about the kind of pony Barnstormer is, and how she acts when someone else is upset, as well as her own thoughts about some things, and her own feelings about justice in the world.
But, I gotta admit, this is by far the weakest entry in the Actingverse. Pan Flash is kind of bland – and while that’s intentional to some extent, there’s a reason that bland people tend not to be very good fictional characters. They just feel kind of empty. Yeah, she’s a person, and she has her own things going on, but personality wise, she just isn’t as interesting as the other ponies – not even Barnstormer. And Barnstormer herself is not the best character for pulling off this scene, because her actions, while comforting, mostly aren’t terribly interesting – the two characters don’t actually end up bouncing off of each other all that much, and only a few bits (like Barnstormer’s odd protectiveness/worry about Pan Flash killing herself, and her sense of justice about what Pan Flash is being paid) really showed her character all that much.
The result was a kind of bland scene where I didn’t end up caring that much. Dressing Room, Deep Cover, and Butter Up all were pretty punchy, and each of them actually did a great job of hiding a bit of drama and then revealing it towards the end which gave the whole piece a much greater meaning and a lot more of a kick to it. Star Power’s final bit in her story, where she backs away from how she really feels, is sad, but also says a lot about the character and lends some extra meaning to her social ineptitude. Deep Cover’s behavior with both First Take and Butter Up is actually pretty great, and the fact that both scenes reveal a greater depth of meaning – the first story Deep Cover’s cynical view of the world, and the second, showing she really does care (and explaining why both of them had been acting so weird all scene) had a lot of punch to it.
Barnstormer wasn’t as strong, but it at least reinforced the idea of Barnstormer’s struggle with what she should do with her life.
But Pan Flash was pretty mundane, and in the end, didn’t really have much of a kick to it – Pan Flash is just not that interesting of a character to follow along with, and her struggle isn’t terribly interesting either. There’s no real high drama, and no real kick to the end of it. And because I never really cared about Pan Flash – never really had a reason to care about her – it just didn’t really gel.
And ultimately, the stakes in this story felt very low. Had I felt like I had more reason to understand why Barnstormer was being so overprotective – why she’d be worried about Pan Flash killing herself – I think that could have added more of an emotional punch to the piece. Likewise, Pan Flash fleeing at the end didn’t feel like it had much of an impact on me, and I think it was supposed to feel more important than it ultimately did.
That’s not to say it was terrible – it wasn’t. But it wasn’t really up to the standards I had come to expect from the Actingverse or Jaxie. But that makes it hard to temper my reaction as well, because that was the expectation I walked in with.
Recommendation: Not Recommended, but if you’re already invested in the Actingverse, it is too late to turn back now.
The Unexpected Date
by Monochromatic
Slice of Life
4,679 wordsIf there was something that broke Rarity's heart more than seeing her best friend getting stood up, it was seeing Twilight go back to the library with a matching broken heart.
Luckily for Twilight, Rarity would be damned if she let that happen.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
After seeing how nervous Twilight was before her date with a pony who shall remain nameless, Rarity and Rainbow Dash drop by the fancy restaurant Twilight was supposed to be eating at with her date.
There’s just one problem – Twilight is sitting alone at a table for two, and looking miserable indeed.
Rarity has an idea, though….
I was curious about this story as Monochromatic is a shameless RariLight shipper, and yet this was labelled Slice of Life instead of Romance. It seemed like it was going to be Rarity swooping in and taking over the date…
But instead it was actually something a bit sweeter than that, as Rarity (and the rest of the Mane 6) work to make Twilight’s evening, if not great, at the very least less miserable, as Rarity comes in to share a meal with Twilight and build up her self-esteem.
That being said, I did feel like the RariLight ship tease in it actually slightly undermined it – had it just been a purely friendly gesture, I think I might have enjoyed it a bit more. I felt like the friendshipping aspect of the story was its strongest angle, and it felt like the inclusion of RariLight ended up diluting that somewhat and feeling a little bit like it detracted from the altruism of Rarity's gesture.
Likewise, the choice not to name Twilight’s date felt a bit weird, as that is the sort of thing I’d think Twilight would have mentioned, and yet, the conversation feels like it is dancing around naming names.
That said, the friendshipping/true companions aspect of it was enjoyable enough (and sweet enough) for me to forgive the romantic digression. Besides, it’s a Monochromatic story; you can't not expect RariLight.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
All That Jazz
by ObabScribbler
Romance, Slice of Life
3,707 wordsTwilight shares a secret place with Rainbow Dash on her first birthiversary since they became a couple.
Why I added it: Obabscribbler is a good writer.
Review
Twilight takes Rainbow Dash to a jazz club.
This story tries to build up suspense about this – taking Rainbow Dash somewhere while blindfolded – but the “twist”, such as it were, is given away by the title of the piece.
Partway through this story, as Rainbow Dash continues to be kept in the dark, she complained that she was bored. Her complaint echoed my own. This piece is lacking in any sort of tension or emotional stakes; it is a thing that happens, and it is devoted to being a fluff piece. But nothing really happens here; Twilight and Rainbow Dash act affectionate towards each other, there’s an analogy of Twilight’s feelings for Rainbow Dash to jazz, and that’s really all there is. Without any sort of emotional stakes, or any sort of real conflict, I was left feeling like nothing really happened.
Slice of Life pieces – the kind which lack traditional plots – still need to say something about the characters. They need to breathe a lot of life into them, need to have emotional stakes or reveal something about the characters. But here, a lot of the piece is devoted to keeping Rainbow Dash in the dark, with only the very end of it really bringing up a whole lot of character. I couldn’t really call it character development, as a lot of the piece either has it start out as a fait accompli (Rainbow Dash’s vocabulary being corrupted by Twilight, which unfortunately put me out of her voice, as well as their relationship) or is really only brought in at the very end.
For most of its length, I was left without really much enthusiasm, and it never really grabbed me, so the little jazz analogy at the end didn’t pull on my heartstrings.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Where Parallel Lines Converge
by FanOfMostEverything
Crossover
6,710 wordsDitzy Doo has gone through a lot over the years. She's been a planeswalker, a wife, a mother, a savior of worlds, a postal worker, and more besides. But a routine delivery route is about to lead to a very novel experience for her.
Not enjoyable, no, but definitely novel.
Why I added it: FOME is a good writer.
Review
Derpy is a planeswalker (Magic: The Gathering style), and while out delivering mail, she ends up coming across Our Town, pre-Twilight and her friends’ intervention. Naturally, being a planeswalker, she has an intuitive grasp of magic, as well as a ridiculous amount of power.
Needless to say, it doesn’t end up working out too well for Starlight Glimmer.
I didn’t particularly care for this story; rehashing things we’ve already seen in the show, but with a much more powerful protagonist, didn’t really do anything for me, and while there was a bit of the comically absurd with Ditzy after Starlight attacks her, frankly, it was too little, too late. By the end of it, I was left thinking, “Well, that happened,” without feeling significantly richer for the experience, and I didn’t really feel like the Magic stuff did a whole lot for me, despite being familiar with the source material.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance
by The Minister of Scones
Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
6,260 wordsBallpoint Smudge has one job. It's not an easy one, but it's one he's determined to do to the best of his ability. The only problem is that as soon as he meets Twilight Sparkle, everything he's ever learned about princesses goes flying out of the window. He was expecting her to be regal, haughty and bossy. Instead she's warm, friendly and welcoming. Perhaps she's genuinely a nice pony? Nah. It's got to be a test.
Based on an idea by Ambrose Bierce, from his excellent Devil's Dictionary. Just look up 'Insurance'.
Why I added it: It was featured, and the Devil’s Dictionary is a rather fun thing for being well over a century old.
Review
Ballpoint Smudge tries to sell insurance to Twilight Sparkle. Twilight points out why she wouldn’t buy any.
A long time ago, someone said “Your manuscript is both good and original, but that which is good is not original, and that which is original is not good.” This story lifts a section of The Devil’s Dictionary more or less straight up as the heart of the conversation between Twilight and poor Ballpoint Smudge. It makes Twilight sound very weird – she doesn’t speak in such an archaic way – and it sticks out if you are familiar with it.
Really, the voicing in Twilight is generally a bit odd, and the whole thing sometimes slips into a much more turn of the (20th) century, sort of old-timey. Spike, too, is a bit theatrical at times, though that is lampshaded
Overall, this didn’t really do it for me. While the idea of someone trying to sell Twilight insurance seemed funny, this really hewed very closely to the Devil’s Dictionary and focused a great deal on Ballpoint’s (totally unfounded – and known to the audience to be totally unfounded) fear of Twilight, rather than an amusing back and forth. It ended up taking too long to get to the point, and when we got there, it was something that wasn't even new. There were a couple of jokes here that were a little funny, but the overall weight of the piece and the similarity to the Devil's Dictionary bit ended up stifling them.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Summary
Pan Flash by GAPJaxie
Not Recommended
The Unexpected Date by Monochromatic
Worth Reading
All That Jazz by ObabScribbler
Not Recommended
Where Parallel Lines Converge by FanOfMostEverything
Not Recommended
Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance by The Minister of Scones
Not Recommended
While, alas, I felt a bit let down by the latest entry in the Actingverse, I do still nevertheless look forward to the next entry.
But I was glad to find a Monochromatic story I enjoyed. 
Hopefully, this will be the start of a week of productivity. I don’t really have a functional computer – my new one is still missing one (rather critical) part, so I’m operating from my dinky old laptop – but I am determined to get stuff done.
We shall see.
Number of stories still listed as Read It Sooner: 135
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later: 488
Number of stories listed as Read It Eventually: 1942
Given how you haven't reviewed my stories for a while, I was honestly wondering if you still thought that.
Still, very fair assessment of the story.
AAAAAAAAAAAAGHGAKDUUUUUAUAAAGHAAAAUGHAAAAAHUUUANYAAARAGGHAAAURAAAHNNOOOOOOOOOO!
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/4/48/Spike_Crying_On_Twilight_S1E21.png/revision/latest?cb=20121030213501
My perfect review review record.
Ahem, more seriously, thank you for the review. It was detailed, and thoughtful, and fair. I pretty much knew this was coming from the comments of yourself and others earlier in the thread, and while I'll admit to being a bit upset, that's less at you-the-reviewer and more at me-the-writer for falling short of my previous standards. I've been on a writing dry spell for a long time (as you know) and getting back into the swing of things is having some fits and starts.
Still! One more story left to go before Bronycon. Still time for me to knock it back out of the park, write a friendship report, and win Princess Titanium's love back.
4055264
Admittedly, a lot of what you write isn't really my thing, but I can tell it isn't my thing from the story title/summary/tags, so I don't read it (because I don't want to read things I know beforehand I won't like, and if I am pretty sure I'm not going to like it beforehand, what's the point of me reviewing it? "It ain't my thing" isn't much of a review).
You definitely write some stuff which is quite good. Wizards, Foals, and Fools was a good one, and I need to actually read and review Appellation Mountains, as I seem to recall enjoying that in the writeoff.
4055295
Oh Jaxie, you don't have to win my love back. I'll always love you.
I don't understand the hype "Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance" got. I don't think it was bad, and I also had less literary context to give it such a thorough critique, but it performed the cardinal sin of a comedy: it was just boring. The lifeless dialogue and lack of anything to defy the readers expectations, surprise, or otherwise delight, just made a dry... thing to read.
I think from a technical standpoint it was fine, but it just didn't do much of anything imho, much less make me laugh.
4055330
Something I've noticed in a few stories (and which I'd like to write a blog post about, but I'm not quite sure how to do it) is something I'd call "fake tension" - that is to say, a situation where we know the outcome, thus it doesn't work as tension, or where the tension isn't really very tense, so it doesn't really matter. They're different problems, but they both seem to hew together in terms of being the same type of mistake, where a story tries to include a conflict or tension, but the audience can tell it isn't really real.
It is sort of like a straw man plot really - it is a plot which is set up and knocked down by the story so it can call itself a story, but the audience can tell it is full of straw, so it doesn't really end up feeling convincing.
As for why the story was popular - title + premise. I read the story because it had an amusing title and premise - the idea of selling a pony who lives in a magical crystal castle homeowner's insurance is an intrinsically funny idea.
In all fairness, I thought the bit about Acts of Celestia was kind of funny (and probably my favorite bit of the piece) but that was only a small bit - had more of the story been involved in a back-and-forth, rather than pulling me along as the insurance salespony fears Twilight (a character who we know is genuinely nice), I think it would have worked better. As it was, I think that the story sort of ended up a bit muddled - it tried to get me to sympathize with the protagonist, but it was hard to empathize with him because we know his fear of Twilight is unjustified, so the tension sort of didn't come off there.
It then tried to go into comedy with the back and forth, and then veered back into sympathetic territory, and the whole thing I think sort of sapped it of what comedy it might have otherwise possessed.
4055295
4055339
I can see how this would be very hard to write about. Much of this site is based off the premise that there are these characters, within this world, within this setting, that the reader can make certain assumptions about, and can thus save the author time and allow them to create stories that, depending on the type of story of course, don't have to depend on any world building/character growth in order to form a cohesive piece of fiction.
But, in the case of Somepony Tries to Sell Twilight Insurance, these strengths work against it. We already know (not think, know) so much about Twilight, the castle, and the rest of the world around them such that there's nothing to surprise us; therefore, there exists no way for us to empathize with Ballpoint when his expectations are turned completely upside-down.
Clearly plenty of people enjoyed it, and that's great! That's what this site is here for. But from a fairly critical standpoint... the fic simply falls short of what I'd expect from something that became so popular, so quickly.
Why do you keep reading stories from authors or ships you don't care for? It is beyond obvious that if it's not RariJack, you look down your nose and demand perfection.
I'm also curious. If someone asked you not to touch their stories, would you respect that?
4055475
While I'm most infamous for shipping Rarijack, I ship a lot of ships, and have read a number of stories from literally every Mane 6 ship. Indeed, the ships with the best stories are AppleDash, TwiDash, PinkieDash, and Twilestia - not Rarijack, which honestly isn't really a mecca of great stories (there are some good ones, though frustratingly most of my favorites are either unfinished or don't actually ship the pair).
That's not to say that none of the other ships have any good fics, just that those have the most good fics.
Bookplayer and I had some "fun" arguments about why this was years ago.
The problem I had with the RariLight in the story was that it felt like it detracted from the friendshipping nature of the piece, rather than any sort of opposition to the ship in and of itself. This is not the only story I've read where the shipping felt a bit extraneous - another example of that would be Who We Are, which has PinkieDash in it.
The final comment was basically "Well, it is Monochromatic, and she's a huge RariLight shipper, so I can't really say it wasn't expected." It wasn't meant to be snide. Sort of like people making that joke about me and RariJack, you know?
I read Monochromatic's works because the very first story she wrote that I ever read was Injuring Eternity, which I thought was nearly a great story, but which ended up putting me off due to its length and pacing. I keep reading her stuff periodically because I think she's got the potential to write stories I like, and she writes a lot of stories I want to like more than I actually end up liking them. Also, frankly, I want to read more good RariLight fics, because I think it is a theoretically interesting ship but I've only read a small number of good fics in that vein.
So I was excited she wrote something I actually ended up liking, because it vindicated my belief that she would.
If I didn't think I'd ever like her stuff, I wouldn't read it. Unfortunately, once I figure out you're talented, I'm probably going to start
stalkingfollowing you after I identify you, and then you'll never be rid of me.Just ask bats.
Anyway, I reworded the review to make what I meant clearer.
Yes. I also sometimes stop reading people's stuff if I feel like they're taking my reviews too harshly, which is why I stopped reading Monochromatic's works for a long time - it wasn't that she wasn't being a good sport about them, it was that I was worried I was hurting her self-esteem and I was worried I was discouraging her from writing.
I don't dislike her at all. Indeed, I like that she keeps writing, and I have consistently encouraged her to do so. She seems nice.
I've never actually had anyone tell me to stop reviewing their stuff, but there are a couple people on my "Do Not Review" list who got very upset after I reviewed one of their stories, so I stopped reviewing anything by them. It happens about once per year, so it isn't a very long list.
But you are allowed to just ask nicely, and I won't review your stuff if you don't want me to. The way I figure, I've got thousands of stories to read; if someone doesn't want me to read their stuff, they probably think I won't like it, and they're probably right. So why spend my time on it when I can spend time reading stuff I'm more likely to enjoy?
Going to disagree on you about GaPjaxie's 'Pan Flash'. I thought it was one of the best of the line-up actually and I thoroughly recommend it to anyone to read, along with the rest of the Actingverse series.
I'm surprised that you only seem to be interested in the 'punchy' characters. Are you saying that normal people with ordinary problems don't count? That they're not as important? Perhaps you should listen closer to the advice from Barnstormer.
Speaking of which, I can't quite believe that you read both Pan Flash and Barnstormer's stories and totally missed that Barnstormer's depressive/suicidal. I can only imagine that you're suffering some sort of disconnect with the characters due to limited real-life experiences. Perhaps you need to meet a wider range of people in order to better understand the life-view of these characters.
Still, your opinion is your own: I'm just going to disagree with it.
4056136
Dude. Not cool.
I appreciate that you enjoyed the story, and I'm glad you picked up on those details, but you shouldn't ever be a dick to a reviewer just because their review disagreed with you. Or hell, I'm going to take that a step further. Don't be a dick to anyone period simply because their taste in writing is different from yours.
TD's review was fair. You can disagree, but he's a nice guy who came at the story wanting to like it, and just found that he didn't. And that's okay.
4056136
I have lots of friends who struggle with depression, actually.
I don't really hang out all that much with "normal people", but that's not really my thing, you know? I mean, let's face it: I grew up in a town where more people have PHDs than go to church on a weekly basis, went to a top 25 (now top 10) university, then went back to live in aforementioned town. I spend my time online hanging out with bronies and furries and otherkin. How much time do I really spend around normal?
I might see normal people when I like, go to the grocery store or something. Maybe.
While I do think they're more interesting characters, the sentence you're referring to there was italicizing the names because I was talking about the stories rather than the characters (hence why I referenced Dressing Room instead of Star Power).
The actual underlying cause, however, has less to do with normalness and more to do with personality; Star Power, Deep Cover, and Butter Up all have personalities which pop strongly off the page. Also, I thought that the arcs of those stories were stronger. I recommended all of them.
Moose Mage's Those Who Live Forever is a story about an ordinary pony and her daughter brushing up against greatness which I really enjoyed. I highly recommend you read it if you haven't.
Clearly this means it is time for you to start writing reviews, too.
4056476 Fair enough.
Good grief, no. I barely have the time to read stuff. I haven't even gotten around to writing my own story: it's sitting in pieces in a google doc.
4056333 Eh... not trying to be a dick. Just being blunt in a valid question. I was genuinely surprised that TD seemed to have missed the depression. It's easy to miss cues that aren't within your experience, so I assumed that may have been the issue. I had a bit of a reality check the other day when a friend pointed out that he had the KKK burning crosses on his lawn as a child. That sort of thing is well outside my scope of life experience and I felt rather sheltered comparatively. Talking to a wide range of people increases my understanding so I wondered if there was a disconnect there. TD's response is fair.
My goodness, a Jaxie story that didn't get a glowing review from TD?
All The Jazz is fine for what it is. The presumption when people read it is that they're already fans of TwiDash when they read it. There's a decent amount of character building (Twilight explaining why she loves jazz makes perfect sense and adds a lot to her character) plus it deepens her relationship with Dash in a believable way. Dash's reactions are perfectly in character. At any rate I read a lot of TwiDash fic and I feel All That Jazz is one of the better examples of romantic TwiDash fiction which is why I disagree with your not recommending it.
I've only just come across this, but dammit man, you're right. I'd forgotten how - well - how unfinished that story was. I published it during a lull when I thought I'd never get it finished, and was ready to wrap up writing for good, and as a result, I was never happy with it. Well, I'm fixing that now. I've always meant to rewrite the blessed thing, and that's just what I'm going to do.
4395762
Good luck with your rewrite!
4395787 Thanks very much - not just for wishing me good luck, but for reminding me in the first place.