M2B reviews The Most Annoying House Guest by Harmony Pie

Spoilers... (Well Duh)

Read Story Here

ocalhoun's Big 250k Contest

Awards Show!
(It's kind of a big deal!)

Anyone remember this? I do. Ever since the contest ended, there are now so many stories ripe for a reviewing.

But which one?

Wow... so many awards... Looks like I have my review!!!

This is The Most Annoying House Guest by Harmony Pie.

---

Now before I start I need to give credit to the original story that inspired this spinoff.

To summarise the original; it’s an okay cute one shot story. Does this sequel hold up to the original? Well let’s see...

---

The story begins with Rainbow Dash going home and reading her storybook.

Rainbow Dash found it was pointless to read the Daring Do books only once. After all, how would she absorb every little detail about Daring's amazing adventures? So she had settled on that night to try and read as much as possible.
No, she wasn't an egghead. It was just .... being awesome within the mind. Yeah. At least that's what she told Twilight whenever the alicorn found Rainbow following another one of Daring Do's quests.
Wings aching from a day of flying, the pegasus stumbled up to her bed, before collapsing onto its blue blankets.
It was already dark, and black shadows stretched across Rainbow's walls. Yawning, she flicked on a light with her hoof, and settled down against her pillow with a book in her arms.
"Daring Do and the Temple Quest," she muttered to herself, flipping open the page.

To suddenly interrupted-

"Let's see," Rainbow said quietly, squinting at the words. "Daring Do-"

"Hey, Blue Mommy?"

The mare yelped and jerked up, nearly smashing her lamp in the process. Rainbow whipped back. Her book went flying across the floor as she fell out of her bed - radically, of course.

She definitely didn't land on her head. "Uh, what?" she cried, trying vainly to get her bearings. Rainbow peered around to her bed post, her heart pounding in her ears. There was only one pony that called her that...

"Blue Mommy!" the grey foal exclaimed again, scurrying up to Rainbow like a puppy. "I miss you!" he cried out, as mournfully as a little colt could manage, before pressing his face into Rainbow's fur.

Pushing back, the blue mare's mouth failed to form words. What the-what? She blinked, and then blinked again, at the all too familiar bat pony colt, who continued to press his light blue mane into her chest.

"Batty?" she asked incredulously.

Oh kids... How adorable. That was absolutely hilarious.

Anyways what is this kid doing here?

"Kid," she began, rubbing her face with her hoof. "What the hay are you doing here?"

Hey I was asking that...

Batty jumped up suddenly, and squeaked. The sound itself made Rainbow Dash wince. "I am here to - to have a sleepover with you, Blue Mommy!" His eyes grew so wide Rainbow was sure they would pop.

Well that explains the cover image of this story

"First off; I am not your mom," she said, chuckling at the way Batty’s ears flickered.

"Okay, Blue Mommy!" he chirped, saluting her like a soldier.

Rainbow liked this kid.

What this story has done right so far is keeping in character for the character Batty. Cute, innocent and oblivious. (Even if the innocence and cute is put in a little more emphasis) I honestly like Batty as a character in the original story and I like where this is going for Harmony Pie’s portrayal.

Also, I believe it would be better if there was the sentence “Rainbow Dash smirked.” before the sentence “Rainbow liked this kid.”

She cleared her throat. "But seriously-" she was cut off by the sound of scampering hooves. Rainbow turned around to the sight of the colt that had been right in front only moments before, now determinedly dashing into the kitchen.

"Hey, little buddy!" she called, following after him with a sigh. Now what? She had to get this little guy home before something went horribly wrong. She could already feel her relaxing night slipping away.

"Batty, what are you doing?" she stopped in her tracks when she saw the colt, who had managed to crawl up to the cupboard. He had one leg dangling over the counter as he squirmed closer to his prize; a cookie jar.

Rainbow facehooved. She watched in bemusement as Batty struggled to climb up, and finally succeeded in grabbing the jar between his hooves. He let out a squee of victory, and tumbled down to the floor.

I also like how Rainbow is portrayed here. Annoyed and amused at Batty entering her home uninvited. This helps add a little humour throughout the rest of the story with Rainbow’s reactions to the actions of Batty.

The pegasus rolled her eyes, staring down at the bat pony who had just invaded her house and now was stealing her very special cookies. She probably would have called the police....if he wasn't so freakin' adorable.

Call the police? You should be calling his parents!!!

"There," she said. "Now spill. Why are you in my house?"

Batty had already bitten off a piece of cookie, and glanced up at Rainbow with puffed out cheeks.

"Cause you're my Blue Mommy!" he exclaimed, knocking over the jar.

Rainbow didn't even try to deny it anymore. She sat next to the colt on the bed. "Look, it was real nice meeting you a couple of weeks ago, but don't you think you're parents are looking for you?" she inquired softly.

The grey pony stopped eating for a moment, and his ears fell. "No, s'kay. They’re sleeping right now."

Continuity!!!

Also, Rainbow... He already answered that question earlier... he wants a sleepover with you.

On a side note, Batty’s parents are really horrible parents. Cuteness aside this is the second time they let their child run away from home. They should really put their home on lockdown.

There... Now there’s no way he could esca-

“Hello!!!”

“AH!!!”

The colt giggled but then he grew solemn. "I know Mommy and Daddy love me, but sometimes they have stuff to do. They don't always have ...... time for me." He looked down. Rainbow felt her heart jerk a little bit. She hated to see the little kid like that.
Batty's frown disappeared. "But, now you're here! I missed you, Blue Mommy, so I thought you wanted to have a sleepover!" he exclaimed. "You ... you do, right?"

Wow... That’s kind of sad... and also makes sense why Batty would want this sleepover. To have companionship. This certainly adds on more detail to the original story of Batty's character where in the orginal Batty just runs away from home for just bat treats?

"Nrrggg," she groaned, trying to sort through her mind. This kid was so adorable, and obviously really liked her - but what if she got charged for foalnapping? Or didn't get any sleep? Those were two very serious things.

She glanced back down at the colt, who squeed. "Please! Please! Please! Please!" he gasped, wagging his blue tail like a dog. "Please! Please! Pleas-"

Rainbow tackled the foal, and clapped a hoof over his mouth. "Just stop-" she jerked back in sudden revulsion, frantically wiping her hoof on her bedsheets.

"Did you just lick me, kid?!"

Batty stuck his tongue, grinning wildly. "Nope!"

Okay this is getting ridiculous... Batty licking like a dog? Really?

While I get that the author intends to make this a cute scene, which it is, but I can’t truly picture an actual child doing this unless they are between 1 to 2 years old.

Wait... what’s Batty’s age again... ?

You know what . Nevermind. Back to the review.

Rainbow Dash groaned, almost laughing despite herself. "How'dya get like this, Batty? You're gonna make me pass out from cuteness!"

Batty gasped, bringing a hoof up to Rainbow's head in childlike concern. "Is it contaminous, Blue Mommy? Are ya sick?"

The blue pegasus shook her head in mirth. "No, buddy, it's not contagious. Though I wish!" She squished his face playfully. Then she pulled back quickly, shaking her head. Rarity was starting to rub off on her. She was not a softie.

Now this is a proper cute scene. Little boy try say big complicated words. This I can picture a 10 year old doing.

On a side note, Rainbow, you are not a softie but you always dress in sty-

Finish that sentence and you have a one way trip to the rainbow factory.

*Gulp*

"Ok," she said carefully. "You can have a sleepov- ahem- you can stay here for a bit, seeing as there's no getting rid of you."

Rainbow just get Twilight, he’ll be running for the hills by the end of it...

While munching contently, he tilted his ear up. "What are these called, Blue Mommy?"

Rainbow cackled, wiping her eye. "You've never eaten cookies before, Batty?" She shifted on the bed.

Batty made a face.

"Well, then again, you've never eaten cereal before so ...." Rainbow put a hoof to her chin in thought. The colt beside her offered her the circular dessert, also putting a hoof to his chin.

Continuity!!!

Also,

Rainbow nommed on it absentmindedly. What to do with a little foal? She had never foalsat before.....

I like how Rainbow shows concern for Batty like how she did with Scootaloo.

On a side note, never foalsat before? You did that in the original story when Twilight had to search for Batty’s parents

So after that the slumber party starts. Best get into attire.

MixMassBasher removes his shirt and pants.

“What? I thought most men like to sleep in their boxers. Got a problem with that?”

"Ah, ah, Blue Mommy! Look! Can I wear it?"

Rainbow poked her head inside the closet, following Batty's gaze to a pair of pajamas. She blushed, trying to shut the door.
The foal blocked it with his hoof.

"Can I please? Pretty please? It looks so soft!" he cried out, prying the closet door open. The cyan pegasus groaned, reluctantly pulling forth the green sleepwear that looked just about the colt's size. Oh, and it was a onesie.

Rainbow gave a sheepish smile. "Okay, but if anypony asks, these were not mine when I was younger. Deal?" She held out the clothes in her arms.

Batty grinned. "Deal!" he agreed, grabbing it from the older pony. He tried to push it over his head - but failed adorably.

Now that is both funny and cute. Wonder what else is there for Rainbow’s 101 embarrassing secrets.

She whistled. "Good job, squirt," she praised to the energetic foal

Somewhere out there in Ponyville, an orange Pegasus felt a disturbance in the horse.

So the slumber party starts and Rainbow finally gets to read her storybook but this time is also reading it to Batty as well. No longer in her lonesome as both drift off to sleep.

Batty stirred. "Goodnight Mommy," he mumbled.

Rainbow's eyes widened at the lack of 'Blue'. But, come on, that's priceless. She stroked his fur lightly with a feather.

"Goodnight, Batty."

Short and cute. Reminds me of the ending of a story I read; Sunset’s Sunrise by The Abyss. Perfectly fitting ending for a short one-short cute-themed story.

And then there’s the bonus chapter...

Author's Note:
Just a fun extra chapter for the "Moarers" out there. I hope you enjoy!
Also, the picture is not mine. It just happened to fit almost perfectly.
Edit: As Count Blue Nova pointed out, the original story did say that Rainbow didn't have a bath. I missed that piece, until I already wrote it, so I hope you can over look it

Okay so what else can you do with this story?

Rainbow Dash awoke groggily. She firstly rolled over to the left, stretching out her wings. She blinked blearily.
Then she rolled to the right--and screamed. There was somepony staring right at her! Oh, no! What? Oh my gosh! Oh.
Rainbow Dash sighed heavily, pulling back from the intruding face. It was just Batty, of course. He was standing on the pillow, watching her without a sound.

Wow, that’s creepy.

Also, if I recall, this portion seems to be is using some form of the ye old cliché of “waking up and forgetting what you did before you slept”. I’ve seen this used in many stories I’ve read before even before fimfiction and I still enjoy them as they provide useful exposition to what happen before and considering this bonus chapter was posted more than a month after the initial posting. It’s an appropriate start.

"Geez, kid," she mumbled. "What are you doing?"'
The colt smiled slowly, his hooves bouncing a bit in their makeshift bed. "I was watching you, Blue Mommy."
Rainbow Dash just stared at him. That's not creepy at all. "While I slept?" She rubbed her face.
"Yeah. You so pwetty," he said, too quiet for Rainbow's liking. The mare immediately jolted up and crossed her arms over each other.
Urm... Why? Batty seemed a little too weird to me in this part. And that’s saying something considering he was licking rainbow like a dog previously.

Perhaps it would have been better to have Batty say he can’t sleep.

"Hey, I am not!" she protested, a blush blossoming over her face. "Take that back! Now!"
Batty grinned, tilting his head to the side. "Nope! You pwetty! You pwetty! You pwetty!" While the colt chanted, he did a little dance. "Is true!"

Now this seems more realistic for a child to be doing.

Then she snapped back to attention. He was covered in crumbs.

Rainbow jerked back, giving Batty a sly look as an idea came to her head. "Do you know what you have to do now?" she asked, brushing some stray cookie bits off her coat.

The colt cocked an ear. "What, Blue Mommy?"

"You, have to take a BATH!" she cried, grabbing Batty to her chest and picking him up.

This part could have been expanded upon further with Batty denying to secretly eating the remainder of Rainbow’s cookies and Rainbow decides a little payback with giving him a bath.

"Alright," she sighed, dropping the grinning foal on the rug. Rainbow flicked the overhead light on as Batty jumped up and down. "Bath. Bath. Bath. Bath," he chanted, wagging his tail wildly. "Bath!"

The pegasus shook her head fondly at his antics, before flitting over to turn the water on. It poured out from the gold tap, steam already wafting from the top. She reached in with her hoof, nodding in approval when deemed Batty-worthy.

Kids. A pain but are simply adorable.

"Hold on, little buddy," she said. "Got to wait for the bath to fill up."

Batty jerked up, giving her an odd look. "But what about..." he whispered.

Dash leaned closer, raising her eyebrow. "What about what, kid?"

Batty shifted in the water, kicking his little hooves against the pooling heat. "You forgot the toys!" he cried incredulously, shaking his head disapprovingly. He stuck out his lower lip.

Rainbow Dash pulled back, shutting her mouth. This guy was starting to know how to get to her. "But Batty," she sighed. "I don't have any foal toys."

Batty threw his gaze to the pajamas against the wall. Rainbow Dash laughed nervously.

"Alright, I might have a small action figure of Spitfire," she admitted.

A kind of a slight rehash to the previous joke of the previous chapter about embarrassing Rainbow Dash facts but still welcomed all the same.

"She fly through the air like a...a Blue Mommy!" he said in a low voice, as if reporting the actions of the Spitfire doll.
Rainbow Dash covered her mouth in mirth.

This is amusing...

"I think--I think there's something on my hoof," he continued in the same tone. He reached out to the bewildered Rainbow Dash, who cocked her head at the colt.

"I don't see anything."

Batty shook his head, keeping his red eyes locked on the older mare. "You have to touch it to see it."

The logic, however ridiculous it sounded, still made Rainbow feel obliged to bring her hoof to his. "Uh, ok....."
splash!

Rainbow fell headfirst into the shallow water, her legs splaying out in a most undignified way. She gasped, twisting her head up and slipped against the sides.

Immaturity is best comedy.

"Now you can play Wonderbolts with me, and look at the waterfall, and--" he was cut off by a loud bang. It came from Rainbow's mudroom.

“Thundernight Moonglade Kerfluffle Fangling?!"

Rainbow froze. "Oh, ponyfeathers."

Oh so now then Batty’s parents arrive.

Though I wonder why Harmony Pie stops the story here. With Rainbow’s personality, the author could surely add on a scene with Rainbow and Batty splashing water at each other. A silly idea but that seems to fit for this story.

What I thought of the bonus chapter overall?
Meh. A simple little add-on to a story.

---

So, in conclusion, this is a simple one-shot story that’s... oh what’s the word...

You took the words right out of my mouth PresentPerfect. This story while a simple cute one-shot, it sticks to the original story’s cannon and adds an even more cute factor that maybe even makes it a decent sequel story.

I liked how Batty calls Rainbow “Blue Mommy” in this story. Cute, appropriate and kind of fitting actually as Rainbow Dash in this story kind of acts like some sort of god mother to Thundernight Moonglade Kerfluffle Fangling

Wow that’s a mouthful

Anyways, Rainbow Dash acting as a god-mother, honorary big sister or babysitter is actually rather interesting.

Wonder what he’ll be like in a few years under Rainbow Dash’s wing

Also, Rainbow’s reactions to the kid’s antics are funny enough to be worth reading. That and Rainbow is soooo cute here.

I guess the only problem with this story is there is barely any character development aside from that one scene introducing an interesting secret of Rainbow Dash and her acting as some sort of god mother and that one scene with Batty mentioning neglectful parents.

Another problem would be that some of those cute scenes with Batty seemed very far-fetched. Though maybe that’s just my opinion.

Overall, The Most Annoying House Guest is a simple one-shot. Not bad but not great either. However, it still is a great sequel to the original story. And that's why I say that the story is worth reading so check it out for yourself!!!

This is MixMassBasher signing out.

Rainbow was skeptical, but she cleared her throat.

"Chapter One," she began.

"Daring trekked through the blazing hot sand, wiping the grit from her eyes. Each step weighed a thousand pounds, and every breath was a struggle. Daring sank into the dune, vainly swallowing whatever moisture was left in her mouth. Was that it? Would she never find the Temple of Sacred Sands, and retrieve the Golden Idol of Sphinx? The pegasus could feel her strength slipping away after the long journey.
Just as Daring was sure she would breathe her last-"

This would certainly make a good start to an adventure story staring Daring Do. I would certainly read it...