Horseshit and horsewords · 1:12pm Jul 19th, 2016
Well I just spent my morning, on the hottest day of the year and at the hottest point in said day, traipsing around several acres of hilly countryside shoveling horseshit into empty coal bags for a few hours and somehow by the end of it my face and arms were blacker than sin, with a young herd of horses following me and my father around and annoyingly biting our shirts like the nosey bastards they were. Emphasis on nosey, we explored an ancient abandoned farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere behind some fairy trees (Ridiculously common in Ireland, it is not unheard of to go for a walk and stumble across half a castle, the skeletal remains of haunted monasteries burned by Oliver Cromwell or to go digging turf and finding ancient golden treasure of long forgotten Gaelic kings, stumbling across an ancient druidic grove or finding long lost standing dolmen stones and fairy rings, or old Celtic Crosses designed to conquer mounds from the Old Gods, drive off witches and banish magic. Its surprising what you can get used to if you grow up in an area. Oh and finding well preserved ritual human sacrifices in bogs from pagan times, but I haven't stumbled across that one myself just yet. Fucking druids) and several of the bastards followed us in and we had to calm the terrified fuckers down and lead them out once they realised 'oh shit, this isnt a field aaaaaaaa'.
Stupid fucking horses. Can't even shit in the right spots, no, having to get us to almost break our ankles traipsing all over the God damn everywhere to pick up your crap and you wander after us like curious lost puppies BITING OUR FUCKING SHIRTS YOU ASSHOLES.
Also I actually am finally getting back to writing after tricking my psychology into letting me actually do that. No promises as always but I am actually doing shit right now in either case. 'Crop rotation', I put everything I was currently staring at aside and began working on the chapter after that one to see if that made a difference.
It did.
Even though this method never worked before. Fuck my brain.
I’d try and think of something witty or interesting to put here but it’s too fucking hot…
I don't know how people survive without air conditioning
4100932 Ain't that the truth.
4100940 In fairness, when it comes to heat, I'm a lightweight compared to most of my readers who live in warmer countries, where 20-30 degrees Celsius is downright comfortable for them. Here in Ireland, 18 degrees is considered pleasantly warm, and our averages typically go around 8-14 degrees as our 'normal' weather with Winter often flirting with freezing or below as the norm. We're no Scandanavia but its normally cold here bruh.
While I am not sure what the temperature is where you're at, as a man who lives in the state of Georgia (where the summers are usually either one of two things: Hotter than Hell or Hotter than Hell along with Humid Enough to Drink the Air), I can understand where you're coming from.
Though I will say thanks for the unintentional laughs... reading your thoughts on the shite you find around your land AND those damn horses had me rollicking.
*Laughs Maniacally*
The way I see it, in 50 years any remaining people will walk through your own city looking at ancient rusty cars and burned out foundations and the piles of skulls with weeds growing out the eye sockets and they'll probably have similar feelings to your own journey through history. They may be looking for pony poop just like you.
Winter's just starting to die down here in Australia.
It was 26 degrees CELSIUS today.
Thanks 'Straya
4100932
I know what you mean about horses being stupid and troublesome. A friend has them, but they are kept in pens made with rebar, and pipes from old construction projects out in the Arizona desert. One day a horse was rolling inside his pen, like Pinkie did during feeling pink keen, and got stuck under a fence. I was on break and decided to visit the horses while my friend and his brother were talking. Then I saw A horse half way under the pen fence resting sideways, sweating and unmoving. Grown horses are not sleep sideways, or be half way out in the sun. So I called the owner, and his brother came too. He tied of the front legs and we pulled his tail and dragged him back to the pen. Then he told me that horses tend to lay down and roll out of their enclosures.
Also i been bitten by yearlings and had a horse take a hold of my arm between the toothless gap inside its mouth.
Horses are assholes. I keep telling people, but they never listen, nooo, it's always "they're herd animals so they're friends with everybody.
"
Yeah, well, guess what.
Handyman, it is your hatred of horse that inspires horsewords to flow.
You have my interest.
It's uncommon, but it is possible to have insanely adaptive skin, such that the pigment production goes through the roof to black and back down to pasty white in the course of a day or two.
Meanwhile, in Bumfuck City, Utah, we've got a low of 28 Centigrade, jumping as high as 42, with the lowest high this week being 37 Centigrade. Fast forward six months, and we get half a metre of snow, and temperatures dropping as low as -11 Centigrade that same night.
Utah can't make up it's mind.
Fucking Deseret desert.
32 to 36 degrees here, probably getting closer to 40 sometime end of this month. Global warming! 100% humidity too. Georgia represent ... I guess. Also, the horses were curious why you smelled like their leads and following because of that. Not that I needed to tell you that or anything.
All animals are dumb when you get right down to it. If you smell right, they'll ignore what you look like.
Where I live, the heat is excruciating. Day in and day out, it's almost always an unhealthy 106 F (about 40 C). If you want a good tan or to suffer from heat stroke due to dehydration, the American south is the place to live. It's better than freezing your middle finger off in the snow, though.
But did you boop them?
i.4cdn.org/mlp/1468913956879.gif
4101203 Yes actually, but thats neither here nor there.
Everyone is complaining how hot it is and I'm over here like:
California's nice...we had a cloud yesterday.
4101247 Shut up and take back your satan weather.
4101263 Got rain? We only deal with people who have rain.
4101271 *Grumbles* I'm a little short this month...
4101277 Come back when you have the appropriate amount of precipitation.
4101317 EXTORTION!
4101320 Don't hate the player bby, hate the game.
Jesus fucking christ dude, how could someone survive out there?
You could see the sky!! That's fucking unnatural, where the fuck are the clouds?
You're right about the ruins by the way; standing stones right next to my primary school.
I had to read this blog post multiple times, because it is FREAKING HILARIOUS. Just... your delivery was flawless.
4101512 Not that I am aware, but given the likely age of the remains, they were pre-christian, and given the state of modern academia and R&D I don't think the Church has a say in the matter. I think such remains are typically filed under the same logic as archaeologically discovered bones, such as the dead of medieval battlefields and ancient mummies (in fact, Bog men almost certainly count as mummified corpses, right up there with corpses found frozen in ice)
Jesus you actually went out and did stuff today? It's the middle of the night and I'm sweating buckets, dude.
4101189
Filthy lies.
Wading through meter-deep snow is nothing compared to southern heat+humidity. I'm doing some work in southern VA right now and I'm pretty sure I'm going to die here.
4101247 New York, holla yo.
BTW, just realized I'm an idiot - sorry you had a rough day.
4102503 It wasnt a rough day, just ridiculous.
4102706
Sorry you had a ridiculous day?
Sounds like fun. And horses have always been and will always be assholes.
4102845 Forgive me if I gave the wrong impression with this blog. I decided to share this with you precisely because it was ridiculous to get some laughs. I appreciate your sympathy but its unneeded.
4102481 Filthy heretic.
4102052 Can confirm, far easier to stay warm than to stay cool.
4101775 I didnt have much of a choice in the matter at the time but yes I did. Stuff was done. My skin is burning.
4101463 DOTH MINE SUFFERING AMUSE THEE SO!?
4101394 What is that angry yellow thing in the sky? Never saw it before. Aliens? Is it aliens? It's probably aliens.
4101189 No fucking thank you, you Southrons can keep your satan weather to yourselves.
4101146 Can't really say that seems universal, at least not with dogs at any rate. But I dont know why we smelled like their leads, weren't our horses and we had to travel out of the ways and through several fields in the car to get the shit, the hot weather allowed us to do so without fear of getting the car stuck.
...
Also yes, I am totally confessing we went out of our way to steal horseshit.
4101104 Lol Deseret peasants.
I kid, though I always did find it fucking odd why people in that area called their region of America Deseret, the only thing more unoriginal is the Pacific North West.
4101084 Nah, no Black Irish here son, genetics can be funky like that but my skin melanin levels don't change much beyond tanning. By 'blacker than sin' I meant I was covered in fuckign coal dust, out in the middle of the countryside under the unbearable son. every time I went to wipe my brow, dust would cover my face.
4101076 Heresy.
4101057 In fairness they were friendly. Doesn't stop them being assholes. And I've always thought of 'Herds' as another form of 'tribes', only focused on running the fuck away rather than crushing the skulls of your enemy and stealing their food, women and eating their brains.
Chimpanzees are scary organised.
4101030 Domesticated animal logic upon waking in the morning: "Lets see, what new and exciting ways can I get myself killed today?" This is especially the case with sheep, ask anyone who rears them. Sheep are exceptionally stupid.
4101027 Well thats what you get for settling the rock Earth keeps in its back pocket and hides all the shit it doesnt want to thinka bout under it.
4101001 Your estimations of the survivability of western civilisation is bleaker than my own if you think it'll take 50 years for that to be the case.
Thats impressive.
4100990 >=[
4100964 Excellent.
4103178 Of course they will be.
4103237 I've got that New York flex, though. I am a Heretic God and I need only myself to believe in and my self to believe.
Sware on me mum if you stale turn one you god damn elf
4103237
You've got me imagining multiple gloating Sauron dressed as 1800's oil tycoons with a severe southern drawl.
4103237
Where the heck was the coal being stored that you could encounter it so readily?
4103237
Elaborate! Elaborate!
4103237
Start drawing a bath.
Pour in a whole container of storebought baking soda into the bath faucet's water stream.
Stir the water up if to make any visible baking soda fully diffused.
Hop in with washcloth in hand.
Say Goodbye to every itchy and rashy sensation as you scrub submerged body parts with the washcloth.
Make sure to submerge the face and scalp too, and scrub them also with the washcloth while submerged.
Do not use soap.
Do not rinse off with the shower.
Do marvel at the lack of wrinkly fingers regardless of how long you soak.
Hop out to towel your hair dry, air dry the rest.
Rejoin society as a sane man.
The anti itch benefits linger until the next time you shower or bathe, or until you produce enough sweat to fully neutralize the leftover baking soda
Any initial burning sensations anywhere are the exothermic reactions of acids crusted on and trapped in your skin being neutralized; the collected concentrations of acid is what causes the burning sensation of irritated skin. Any further sensations after the initial is your body releasing additional storages of acidic waste byproducts through the skin, as the change in ph of the skin sends the message "hey everyone, we can use the trash chute now! The landlord finally got the dumpster emptied!"
4103237
"Hey herdmates/packmates, those guys look like suckers, i bet we'll get treated if we bother 'em enough!"
-Every Domesticated Animal Ever
4103237 I dunno why either...Mormons....
4103237 Horses are assholes but Zebra are bastards.