Some Thoughts on the Fall of Darf · 12:58pm Aug 5th, 2016
It has never come up before, but I have a secret to share: Mr. Darf and Mr. Horse Voice happen to live relatively close together—within fairly easy driving distance.
The funny part is that he and I have never spoken, in person or otherwise. But just as I begin considering introductions, he melts down completely and vanishes from the Internet.
It is doubtful that I could have said or done anything to prevent this, but should he ever choose to resurface, I'll see if I can pass along any messages anyone wants to send him. Unfortunately, at this point it is doubtful I could find him unless he wants to be found. I have a small image of him from his twitch account, but he has an unfortunately normal face, and even on the off chance I should cross his path by chance, I've never been good at remembering faces.
At times like these, the universe seems to have a cruel sense of irony. Let me take you back in time—three years, more or less.
In 2013, Darf was employed and going to college, and still found time to write hit after hit—a seemingly unstoppable force on Fimfic. Meanwhile, I was unemployed, in poor health, and full of misdirected anger, always looking for someone to lash out at. To me, the themes of Darf's stories represented everything wrong with the fandom, so I decided to keep my distance and avoid a potential ugly scene.
But that year, I was rarely so prudent. The fandom experience had begun to feel like a bad relationship: I wanted to leave, but could not. So I acted like an idiot a few times, on some level hoping I would get kicked out. But this being the Pony fandom, all people did was calmly point out that I was being an idiot.
(That, friends, is the proof that this fandom is different from the others. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.)
Well, what could I do? My idiocy effected not only my own life, but those of my friends, and it had to go. But while a leopard can change its spots, it does not happen fast. There are a lot of small steps, breakthroughs, relapses, apologies, and pleas for patience before a problem like chronic anger can be beaten.
But what a difference three years can make. My latent anger is gone, as if it had never been. I am mentally and physically healthier than I was a decade ago. My friends and I understand each other much better. I'm employed full time (and as a result, usually too exhausted to write, damn it all). I'm even beginning to come to an understanding with Mother, which is unprecedented.
As for Darf? In the midst of what had promised to be a triumphant comeback, he lost his way, got mad at a lot of people, deleted most of his work, and vanished. I hear though the grapevine that as of the end of last month, he is homeless. While I was getting my life together, his was falling apart.
I used to hate what this guy represented. Now I can only feel sorry for him. And we have never even met.
The great tragedy here is that this fandom has demonstrated incredible generosity when less horse-famous people than Darf have fallen upon bad times (like Pounce getting stuck with American medical bills—ouch). If he had not ended up in a downward spin of alienation, the fandom might have come through for him.
And now what? Even if I track him down, what can I do other than deliver messages? Should I even try to do anything, or just mind my own business? Help me out here, people—what, if anything, ought to be done?
Maybe we should hire a private investigator to find him and then leave a trail of pony smut that leads to BronyCan.
Or not.
There but for the grace of God go I
I'm not really sure there is anything at all you or any of us can do, especially now that he's come physically unmoored.
I doubt messages would do much. It seemed like he was really trying hard to push everyone away and avoid all reason there. :/
I do hope I can find whatever helped you out, though. My life is garbage right now. D:
I think what you said about the leopard changing its spots holds the solution, here. It may not be pretty, it may take awhile, and it'll probably hurt like hell for everyone involved, but ultimately, the desire to change has to come from him. All any of the rest of us can do is be there if he tries to get in touch, and get on with our lives.
I tried to help them but I couldn’t do anything besides say "I want you help you."
I think that delivering messages face to face might do more good than online but it may well not do anything; still, I think it would be worth it if it is possible.
How's the American welfare system looking these days? It is society's task to care for those who would refuse personal charity, not the individual.
4133009 This would definitely go over well, and wouldn't just generate a hit list with all of our names on it.
4133296 based on my knowledge of horse voice, I am guessing Darf is Canadian.
That's a tough situation. When a person is on the way down even a small show of sympathy can make a world of difference. I'd say it's worth a try to get into contact with him, and this type of post might just lead you to someone who could help you locate him. The hard part come after you've located him, and if you find him in desperate need of help. My advice is don't try to do it all yourself. You can try to find out what social services are available so you can help him get help from those trained to help people in his situation.
If you can contact him, don't push. Just let him know that you are there and he can always bend your ear or whatever. Even just letting him know that someone is out there TO listen can be enough.
Damn really? He left a real nice message on my user page like 2 weeks ago. I meant to hit him back. Sigh
I think you should let him know he has a friend in you, someone to talk to, if he wishes to do so. Just your reaching out could be the one thing that helps him. It is always worth the effort! Let us know if you can reach him.
4133961
I think I'll follow this advice, if I get any leads. But it's largely in the hands of Fate whether I will.
4133296
4133455
Correct. Unfortunately, I've heard through the grapevine that the government won't help him.
4133026
It goes against everything I stand for to tell one of my favorite critics to spend less time critiquing, but... I spent time every day working toward getting my life together, and rewarded myself with ponies after having made at least a little measurable progress. It worked, but it's one reason my bibliography is so small.
4134173
I may have some way to get in touch with him (Maybe) if you had something you wanted to pass along.
The problem with the cage of mental prison bars is that nobody but you can find a way out, and I think that's where he is stuck right now
Never heard of the guy.
I have a pretty decent insider knowledge on what's going on with darf, since we spoke a lot on skype during that whole "breakdown"
to me, I think it was carefully calculated and scripted, because he was the picture of normalcy when he talked to me
I think he's really just evolved past the need for pleasing people and wants to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants
he wants to live life as though it were a post-modernist novel
4137290
That's a relief, if it means he doesn't actually need any help. But hell, I'll let my offer stand anyway.
4137454 that's a good idea
We all need help
4137454 He doesn't need any financial help, at least. He admitted to me on a livestream that he has $1200 in the bank, and that he's choosing to go homeless because he doesn't want to pay rent, as shown in this video:
4152028
Well, good. That simplifies things.