Lizardman Reviews #6: Feels, Fluff, and Failing oh my! · 12:02am Sep 30th, 2016
Today's RNG Picks: 1, 5, 6
My First Best Friend by Rated Ponystar
For hundreds of years, Twilight Sparkle has managed to go through her life by working day and night as the sole ruler of Equestria. Sensing her life coming to an end, Twilight looks back at her achievements and believes like something is missing since the last of her loved ones died.
One day, Twilight finds some old relics with her great-great-great-great-great granddaughter with one of them being her old doll, Smartypants. Memories of the time she used to play with her favorite doll, even bringing it to life with a spell, flood her as long-buried emotions come out. It is with Smartypants that Twilight will find what she has been missing all this time.
Before reading: We've all seen a fic or two centering around immortal!Twilicorn and the inherent sorrow that comes from living so long, outliving so many loved ones. Not a type of fimfic I'm particularly interested in, but hey, if it's a goodfic then I don't care (unless it's a fetish fic in which case I refuse to care either way). I know Rated Ponystar over skype, and he's a pretty cool dude, but I'm still gonna be unbiased here. I'm going into this sure that, at the very least, I'll get a goodfic in the end, since I've read a lot of RP's stuff and he's pretty good.
While reading: So we start off with some introspection from Twilight about how she's essentially the supreme Empress of all of Equestria, which has gone a complete industrial overhaul in the span of five hundred years. Honestly, I find Equestria appealing as a setting because it's so simple and low tech. More fantastical, compared to real life. But I digress.
Twilight knows she's about to die, but she feels something is missing from her life, as indicated by the description. I'm noticing a few tense shifts here. Nothing too severe, but another editing pass could've patched that up. Twilight's great x5 granddaughter comes in with a chest from the attic. Five bucks says Smarty Pants is inside.
“Woah, look at this!” said Starwish as she levitated something out. “Is this a doll or something?”
I looked at what she had taken out and froze. As I stared at the object with wide eyes, my heart skipped a beat and I was suddenly back in my home, a little filly on her birthday.
She was raggedy, but the cloth was still strong. Her buttoned eyes of red and blue still stuck out, but that was part of her charm. Her moppy mane was still adorable and her cute white polka-dotted shorts stood out. It was a name the for hundreds of years I never muttered, never thought of, or even remembered until now.
“Smartypants...” I whispered.
Booyah.
What follows is a gauntlet of flashbacks wherein Twilight remembers how she received Smarty Pants for her birthday as a filly, and subsequently played with her all the way through to the show's time. Except she... used a spell to bring her to life. Well, that's both cute and creepy. It also goes against canon in that Twilight knew nothing about how to be a good friend, yet Smarty Pants is explicitly stated to be her first real friend. The Alt Universe tag might not be required here, but it's still pretty strange.
The flashbacks end, and Twilight casts the animation spell on Smarty Pants again. Twilight has her expected emotional breakdown of essentially having forgotten her first real friend for so long. Smarty Pants comforts her. It's all very heartwarming, and I'm sure that if I wasn't a manly-lizardman whose eyes were all shriveled up from lack of tears I'd be bawling and stuff. Yeah.
Smarty Pants says Twilight needs to learn to have fun again, and as we should all come to expect from our favorite bookworm princess, 'fun' to Twilight equals solving math problems. Insert 'Of course!' meme here.
They go to bed, and then... and then...
themostheartwarmingheartothearteverbetweenadollandafillyohRatedPonystarwhythefeelswhyyyyy
*cries*.
And then Twilight gives Smarty Pants to her great x5 granddaughter. The end.
After reading: If you're looking for a feelsy story, I can definitely recommend this one, but only if you don't mind the occasional typo or grammar mistake. If you're reading this, RP, give your editors a wack for being lazy bums. The only other issue I can foresee with your possible enjoyment of this fic is that, again, it goes against some pretty basic canon without including the AU tag. But eh, not really worth complaining about, since the story really does a good job milking the feels out of you. All the emotions and heartache this Twilight has experienced really come through in the story, something that any good sadfic ought to be able to do, and this one does it brilliantly.
Fluttershy was ready to enjoy a nice, cozy night by herself on Hearth's Warming Eve. That is, until Rainbow Dash arrived on her snowy doorstep and turned Fluttershy's whole world upside down with three little words.
Before reading: Well well well, if it ain't a story from Harmony Pie herself. Fluff and cuteness are a guarantee. Normally I'd be concerned about whether I'd be diving into a trainwreck by checking out a story written by a thirteen year old, but Harmony Pie has proven herself a competent writer already, so that fear is eased. Now my main concern is whether I'll die of cuteness overload after reading this fic. At least I'll die a happy lizard if that happens.
While reading: Fluttershy is relaxing inside her cottage, sipping cocoa and reading poetry, safely snug inside from the howling blizzard outside. The prose is quite good. Seriously, if you weren't told Harmony Pie was a thirteen year old, you'd never guess it from the way this story is so well written.
Rainbow Dash arrives. They exchange words. Fluff ensues. It's as sweet and cute and totally devoid of story progression as you'd expect. If the story was a little more character-focused, that wouldn't be an issue, but seeing how this is quite obviously a shipfic there's not much room for serious character interaction/development. And seeing how I'm not a huge proponent of FlutterDash, I find myself mostly just bored with the fic. Some other kind of hook would've been good to get people interested, but eh, what can you expect from a story written specifically for a contest?
Always the reckless charger, Rainbow just suddenly kisses Fluttershy. Her blatant proclamation of 'I love you' to Fluttershy is followed by the two of them running out into the frigid cold, followed by more back and forth before they go back inside.
Fluttershy admits that she can't return Rainbow's love because she sees her too much like a sister, and apparently that's too close to incest for Fluttershy's comfort? She swings that way, so that's the only conclusion I can draw from this. Meh.
We finally get introduced to the titular music box, then they dance. Happy Hearth's Warming Eve. The end.
After reading: As great a a writer as Harmony Pie is, her one weakness is the lack of actual story in her fics, and this one is no exception. That said, one has to admire her talent for being able to create a 4000+ word piece of fluff. It's an art form, really. One that deserves some praise, at least. All the same, if you're reading this, HP, it wouldn't hurt to branch out and try putting more story into your fics. I'd love to see what kind of real story you can craft with your talent. As for this fic, if you're a fan of FlutterDash, you'll love it. If you're a fan of cute fluff, you'll also love it. if you're not a fan of either, I honestly can't recommend it to you.
A Mother Remembered by Foals Errand
On their six month anniversary, Twilight and Celestia were enjoying themselves when a power surge drew their attention to the Tree of Harmony. To their shock and horror, the second they arrived the tree began to glow so brightly they were forced to turn away. When they were able to see once more, there were two fillies asleep under the tree; both had wings and a horn. Not sure what else to do, Celestia lifted the fillies onto her back. Once she climbed the stairs, followed by Twilight, she was very glad they were on her back and not within the grasp of her magic. The Palace of the Royal Pony Sisters was gone and the Everfree Forest was bright, filled with the sounds of birds' singing.
Twilight and Celestia stared at each other in shock. It was apparent that they weren't in Equestria anymore.
Before reading: Well, the description certainly has my interest piqued. Sounds like some good ol' fashioned timeline alteration shenanigans lie within. Nothing new, but hey, I'm sure this'll set itself apart enough from the rest to warrant existing. Or not. I haven't read much from this author. We'll see now, won't we?
While reading: The unnecessarily long exposition dump in the beginning is a bit of a turn off, I'm not gonna lie. All the information it gives could've easily been conveyed in fewer words. Twilight knows Celestia is a chessmaster and is a part of her game, she's confident there's a greater reason as to why she became an alicorn, and she wants Celestia to explain that greater reason to her. But whatever, moving on.
Twilight asks Celestia why she's a pawn. Celestia straight up admits she needed Twilight alive and well for some reason. Twilight gets all huffy and makes to leave. Getting dangerously close to OOC-ness here; tread that tightrope carefully, author.
And then... Twilestia happens.
...
...
...
Now that I've sufficiently exaluated my purpose for existing, WHAT THE FUCK!?
Gah, whatever, moving on.
Cut to six months later and we see more Twilestia padding, before we finally get the plot going. I've gotta say, the writing here is quite amateurish. The characters aren't much more than talking heads, aside from all the Twilestia padding which doesn't tell us anything of import. The pacing is lopsided as fuck, and the sequence of events is very bare bones, as nothing is left to simmer and take root in the story before it moves on to the next branch. This fic could use some more meat and polish, is what I'm getting at.
The first chapter ends with Twilight and Celestia making their way to the spasming Tree of Harmony.
Chapter 2 begins with with the description retold. And what was the point of the previous chapter, then?
They find out they're in the distant past "before the windigos". They realize the two foals they now have are filly Celestia and Luna. you really would've thought they'd have realized that sooner, huh?
Chapter End
After reading: *sigh* Honestly? I can;t in good faith recommend this fic to anyone who doesn't have fairly low standards and is a fan of Twilestia. But as we all know, quality and popularity don't always go together, and Twilestia is a rather popular ship. The writing is amateurish, the characters aren't very well developed, and overall, the narrative reeks of incoherence to the point I wonder if the author is writing this all by the seat of her pants. From personal experience, I can tell you it would make perfect sense. If you're looking for an actual goof read, I'd recommend looking elsewhere. Not everyone has the same standards of quality, so if you think yours are low enough and you're a fan of Twilestia, give it a read.
And that's a wrap up, ladies and gents. Six weeks on and I'm still going strong. Here's to another six at the least! Tune in next week!
Thank you so much for the review! I never expected that. And don't worry about being too harsh, or anything like that.
All in all, fair review. Although, I do have one question... how can I add "more story", as you put it, into my fics? I understand stories such as "Chocolate Talk", but I don't know quite how to make more of an impact.
Thanks