Friendship is Card Games: The Good, the Bad, and the Ponies · 12:43pm Feb 5th, 2017
This week…
No, no. Text can’t do this one justice. Just a second.
Sorry for not providing a full video review, but my lack of pretty hats, magic guns, and A/V equipment worth a crap rather stymies that.
Hmm. Canter Creek. Always good to add a place to the atlas.
Applejack’s comment about farming in the desert feels off when you consider how Appleoosa has a full fruit orchard up and running in a Wile E. Coyote set piece.
Also, I have to wonder if every pony with a fruit-based name is related. The Apples, the Oranges, Chili Pepper… Who’s next, AJ’s wacky flower-child aunt Fried Okra?
The conductor looks eerily like Big Macintosh.
I’m not sure if I should be amused at Dash pointing out Spike’s usual role as pack mule or bothered by Twilight not even refuting how they treat him as one. At least he’s getting to enjoy that convention. (Timely, given Shatner’s recent confirmation of having a guest role in Season 7.)
Is it just me, or is Rarity about five times as sensitive to beefcake in the comics as she is on the show?
Okay, I do like how they justify the lush ranch with that underground spring.
Ah, Pinkie Pie. Filly loves her some spice.
You know, Wild West “outlaw terrorizing small town” stories don’t work too well in Equestria. They’re clearly not blockading the trains. What’s stopping somepony from going to Canterlot in a matter of hours, spreading the word, and getting the guard in?
(“Well, FoME, you’re going to find out,” said my memory. “And it’s every bit as stupid as you fear.”)
What Pinkie said, Twilight. There’s a time and place for puns, and it isn’t when a town’s getting terrorized.
I didn’t mention this last time, but why exactly are the cattle rustlers riding goats? That’s just bizarre.
Ah. They even refer to how Applejack and Rarity were able to take out these punks in their first appearance. Not that they’ll be able to pull off a repeat performance here. Why? Because shut up. Shut up is why.
Again. Applejack. You walked all over these guys while carrying on an unrelated conversation. Why are you hiding behind Twilight now?
And then. Then we come to the greatest, stupidest, most rage-inducing part of this whole disaster: Why Twilight can’t solve this problem with a wave of her horn. Because the rustlers are “non-magical individuals.” Never mind that they are explicitly terrorizing, extorting, and assaulting. Because they’re non-magical sapients, that apparently excuses them from any kind of law enforcement. Twilight has to be civil, because darn it, this is a two-issue storyline and they’ve got to drag out the drama somehow.
I might be just a touch frustrated with this story.
No deed to the ranch? Are we going to get an explanation for that, or is it just a given narrative contrivance we have to roll with?
… Oh. They actually do explain it. 
Though given Canterlot’s central placement, the slipshod law enforcement in this part of the country feels more than a little arbitrary. I suppose it’s a matter of it only now being settled, but that’s really a symptom of the bigger problem of trying to tack the Western genre onto what’s normally a fantasy setting.
You know, an alicorn might be a great symbol to rally the citizens. No one said Twilight had to actually do anything to the rustlers. If she inspired the townsfolk, they’d do it all themselves.
But no. Because, again, two-issue storyline.
Okay, for all my bellyaching, I do appreciate the big “RUCKUS!” when Pinkie mentions hearing one.
I also really like the water overflowing one panel and pouring into the other.
Twilight! ARSON! That’s called a crime! (Also, protip: When even the characters are calling out the story on its contrivances, take that as a warning sign.)
Oh, they’re actually going with the “rally the twonsfolk” plan. Good to see. I’m going to have to remember to at least act like I’m approaching this from a neutral standpoint.
Add “inciting a riot” to the list of charges.
Heh. Ponyvillians take a very sanguine approach to the town getting wrecked.
Oh, Twilight. You keep trying to perform wordplay and it keeps not working. (Because, you know, that’s totally one of her character traits, right? Honestly, I feel like a changeling replaced Twilight and is desperately trying to cover it up.)
… Okay, for all of the contrivance involved in this going wrong, I have to admit, the visuals of the burning rustlers are pretty darn cool. That said, it is insanely contrived. Especially how the rustlers managed to apparently come out of that entirely unscathed.
Okay, I have to admit, that was a well-done recap. Succinct and funny.
Every time Twilight explains why the narrative won’t let her solve this problem, I want to punch something.
Oh, now Longhorn wants to go through the proper legal channels. After squatting. (I admit, it’s clever, but also frustrating.)
Nice touch with putting the card panels in the six of hearts. Appropriate for our main cast.
“Ungulate” isn’t an insult. It’s a description of every character in the story. Of course, the other bulls don’t know that, so I suppose it works out.
Can cacti even survive in an environment water-rich enough to support a lush lawn?
You’d think they’d have checked the distance while moving everything. I suppose they just ran out of steam.
Fluttershy does make for a very good distraction.
I do hope Celestia took a moment to explain to Twilight that punishing criminals isn’t an abuse of her power. That would make what’s about to happen a lot less headache-inducing.
So. Let’s review. Out of all of the crimes committed by this cowpat, it’s destroying a historic site that permits magical retaliation. Harmless magical retaliation, no less. Even the Observer can’t believe how contrived and absurd this is.
Oh, and let’s not forget how Longhorn miraculously can’t break out of the jail. I suppose it might be magically reinforced, or he doesn’t have enough momentum, but given the feats of strength he’s displayed over these issues, it’s the cherry on a ludicrous sundae.
In all, this one was an exercise in frustration. Not only was this is a situation that could and should have been dealt with quickly, the story kept pointing that out. Just… just ugh.
Of course, that leads to the question of how to fix it, and the first step is clear: Make Twilight unavailable for the majority of the story. There’s even a readily available way to do so by having her supervise Spike at the convention in Las Pegasus. Of course, that still calls for justifying why a gang that two of the Mane Six could take out while distracted suddenly constituted a threat, but at least this way the story doesn’t present either a horrifyingly abusable legal code or a Lawful Stupid Purplesmart.
(And what ever did happen to Great-Granduncle Chili Pepper? His disappearance was why the Mane Six went to this town in the first place.)
Now, let’s move on to something a bit happier. After all, in two weeks, I’m going to have to deal with a story that Linkara actually has reviewed…
Precious Visage 3W
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature you control
Vanishing 2 (This enters the battlefield with two time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter from it. When the last is removed, sacrifice it.)
Enchanted creature can’t attack or block.
Creatures can’t attack you or planeswalkers you control.
Squatters’ Camp UU
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant land
At the beginning of your upkeep, put an occupancy counter on Squatters’ Camp. Then, if there are three or more occupancy counters on Squatters’ Camp, remove all of them, gain control of enchanted land, and attach Squatter’s Camp to another land.
Poultrification Trap 2UU
Instant — Trap
If a creature with power 4 or greater is attacking you or a planeswalker you control, you may pay UU rather than pay Poultrification Trap’s mana cost.
Until end of turn, each creature target player controls lose all abilities and becomes a Bird with base power and toughness 1/1.
Wash Away 2UU
Instant
Choose one —
• Counter target spell.
• Counter all red spells.
On the one hoof, thought Tumbleweed, the fire was out. On the other, now they had to rebuild the water tower.
Spectral Prospector 3U
Creature — Pony Spirit
Flying
When Spectral Prospector enters or leaves the battlefield, you may draw a card. If you do, discard a card.
Gold is meaningless to him now, but still he sifts.
2/1
Rustler’s Scorpion 1B
Creature — Scorpion
Deathtouch
2G: Target creature blocks Rustler’s Scorpion this turn if able.
Like a colt terrorizing a filly, but with more poison.
1/1
Shakedown 1BB
Sorcery
You gain 1 life for each creature target player controls. Those creatures get -1/-1 until end of turn.
”Ponies are so generous.”
—King Longhorn, cattle rustler
Pyretic Reflux R
Instant
As an additional cost to cast Pyretic Reflux, discard a card.
Pyretic Reflux deals 4 damage to target creature.
”Excuse me.”
—Pinkie Pie, Bearer of Laughter
Capsaicin Shock 1R
Instant
Target creature gets +3/+0 until end of turn. Capsaicin Shock deals 3 damage to that creature.
”It is a good pain.”
—Pinkie Pie, Bearer of Laughter
Bouncing Shot 2R
Instant
Choose one —
• Bouncing Shot deals 3 damage to target creature.
• Bouncing Shot deals 1 damage to each creature target player controls.
A little acorn can go a long way.
Instant Attraction 2RRR
Sorcery
Gain control of all creatures with power less than the greatest power among creatures you control. Untap those creatures. They gain haste until end of turn.
The heart can easily drown out the head.
Deliberate Arson 4RR
Sorcery
Destroy target land. Deliberate Arson deals 5 damage to that land’s controller.
”Awful shame, that.”
—King Longhorn, cattle rustler
Careless Might 1GG
Instant
Target creature gets +6/+6 until end of turn.
Longhorn always did like pushing ponies around.
Natural Exemption 3G
Enchantment
Creatures you control with no abilities can’t be the targets of spell or abilities your opponents control.
”We have to be considerate.”
—Princess Twilight Sparkle
Ruinous Stampede 3GG
Sorcery
Creatures you control get +3/+3 until end of turn. Whenever a creature you control attacks this turn, defending player sacrifices an artifact or enchantment.
”Why do we even have a china shop?”
—Blazing Saddle, bean farmer
Barbed Fence 2
Artifact Creature — Wall
Defender
1: Barbed Fence gets +1/+0 until end of turn.
There’s no such thing as too many nails.
0/3
Sherrif’s Star 3
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +1/+1.
Whenever equipped creature attacks, detain target creature defending player controls. (Until your next turn, that creature can’t attack or block and its activated abilities can’t be activated.)
Equip (2w)(2u)
Wanted Poster 3
Artifact
2, T, Sacrifice Wanted Poster: Each player may search his or her library for a creature card, reveal it, and put it into his or her hand. Then each player who searched his or her library this way shuffles it.
Thuggish Rustlers 4RG
Creature — Ox Rogue
It’s not that they don’t care about the lives they destroy or the damage they cause. They care very much. That’s why they keep doing it.
7/7
Rustic Spring
Land
Rustic Spring enters the battlefield tapped.
T: Add U to your mana pool.
T, Sacrifice Rustic Spring: Add RG to your mana pool.
Your Laws Betray You
Scheme
When you set this scheme in motion, spells and abilities you control can’t be countered by spells and abilities this turn, permanents you control gain hexproof until end of turn, and creatures you control can’t be blocked this turn.
”Stop me and you are as terrible as you claim I am.”
I think the reason they left her in, and this is as cynical as it comes, is because they came up with the comic cover with all the ponies dressed up as famous cowboys/cowgirls first and gosh-darnit, they are going to keep it! Writing the script came second.
Of course, the show itself has been running into this problem the moment Twilight subdued an Ursa Minor. For the first few seasons, this wasn't too much of an issue since the slice-of-life problems were more mundane, but now that more action and adventure has been introduced, the writers have to find ways to block her (and unicorns in general, really) from using her OP magic.
We come to it at last. The single most stupid story in the primary or secondary canon. There is a story about apples (actual apples, as in the fruit) taking over Ponyville, and it still manages to be less stupid than this.
It's like an onion of shit: there's just so many layers to its badness. To its contrivances.
The writers apparently defended it by saying it was intended to be a farcical comedy. A word of advice for them: if your story outline requires every single character, even those noted for their intelligence, to show the brains of a growth of mildew, find a different story.
Wait, is that you in the video?
I love these cards.
Actually, nitpicks aside, I greatly enjoy these two issues. We tend to read pony comics as bedtime stories, and the visuals are so much fun in these. There are also enough lines for each character that it's entertaining just for the sake of doing all the voices.
One more note: in an earlier arc, the Mane Six were confronted by pirates who wanted to kidnap Twilight and hold her for ransom. The Mane Six laugh at them openly, and Twilight contemptuously fries them with lightning.
I liked that scene. Not least because it contradicts this entire arc.
Yeah, it's pretty bad. But I have trouble mustering much rage for it. I'm not sure it even cracks my personal top five worst. There are other stories with stupider concepts, bigger plot-holes, greater character derailment, and worldbuilding with even worse implications. Not all mix them into as fine a stew as this issue did, but plenty do. And a lot of those comics have awful art as well. At least we had Andy Price for this one to ease the burden.
What I'm saying is, be thankful for small mercies, because later on you won't get any.
4410107
The story just makes zero sense. Not only could Twilight alone have defeated the gang, so could have any two or three others of the Mane Six. The plot only works if we take the rest of the Mane Six on face value as cute helpless females -- which means, we ignore much of what has been established about them in every other action episode of the show.
Compared to that huge example of OOC-ness, every other character mistake they make -- even Rarity's sudden romantic obsession (which is OOC because Rarity normally develops them over time) -- is trivial by comparison with that violation of the show's fundamental character premise. Among the points of the show are that girls can be brave and effective, even "girly" girls like Rarity and Fluttershy. This storyline egregiously violates that premise -- the bulls seem to be ultra effective largely due to their "manly" nature.
What is worse, it is inconsistent with the comic book series itself -- AJ and Rarity (alone) defeated that exact same gang before. The comic books even refer to this earlier incident.
The obvious conclusion is that Twilight's presence was inhibiting everypony else from acting decisively; they were waiting for leadership before committing themselves to battle, and Twilight doesn't provide any. And this left a bad taste in my mouth, because Twilight's claim that she can't use her full Alicorn powers against the gang is a cop-out.
Yes, obviously Twilight is too moral to just unload maximum lethal force on them and blow them to little steaming bits. That is consistent with her character in Show -- she treasures life and will not destroy it if she has any other option. But the Show has already demonstrate that she has numerous non-lethal spells with which she might have subdued them.
Besides which, there's the point demonstrated as early as "Dragonshy" (and which I specifically highlighted in Dragonshyness) that Twilight (in a crisis) thinks of her friends as her military command, whom she can deploy to achieve victory. Twilight in canon would have dealt with a threat like the one in the comic book, if for some reason she couldn't use her own magical powers, by directing the rest of the Mane Six in defeating them. Which her friends would have done, rather easily.
So the comic books here try to generate drama artificially by nerfing the Mane Six for no very explicible reason, with the only possible reason being Twilight Sparkle's own incompetence. And the problem with this is that Twilight Sparkle has been at this sort of thing too long, and is too intelligent, to believably be this incompetent.
4410132
Twilight was very lawful stupid in this arc, and she was so in really odd ways.
To start with, her opening point, that she can't just use her magic on non-magic civilians is nonsense. It explicitly contradicts a huge amount of show and comic canon and would likely turn law enforcement in Equestria into a farce.
This would be bad enough alone, but Twilight isn't merely following all laws, even demonstratively stupid laws, blindly, she is ignoring or breaking many laws whilst selectively enforcing others, without any rhyme or reason.
Consider: the Cattle Rustlers are hardly sneaking around Twilight or avoiding breaking the law in front of her. Quite the opposite: they commit enough violent and antisocial crime right to her face to justify immediate arrest and years of jail time.
Twilight, for no comprehensible reason, chooses to ignore this.
Rather than arrest them for the violent crimes they are committing right in front of her, she breaks many laws herself to frame them for a technicality she is actually prepared to act on.
Meanwhile, as you suggest, her madness is rubbing off on her friends. Not only do they not confront her on her nonsense, they follow her lead; it's implied that Rarity, never mind Twilight, could also easily defeat them with her magic.
Rather than do that, however, she doesn't act at all, even when Longhorn is brutally manhandling her, which is among the many crimes he commits right in front of Twilight!
It's an utter nonsense.
Prime Directive?
4410108
I know, right? I was expecting a Derpy with a glowstick taped to her head.
But no, he is a man.
4410101
I want to believe that they wouldn't do something that back-asswards, but it feels disturbingly believable.
4410107
Additional advice: If your farcical comedy involves premeditated arson, rethink your definition of farcical comedy.
4410108
Indeed it is. Not the first video I've made, either. See also FiCG: Magical Mystery Cure.
4410122
It's the synergistic effect that really gets me. This comic is a perfect storm of awfulness, and all the nice visuals in the world can't salvage that.
4410132 4410154
My personal hypothesis is that the spring that feeds Rancho Bronco also emits a colorless, odorless gas that makes ponies very passive and suggestible. (With cattle, it seems to act as an analgesic, given how none of them reacted to being covered in burning sugar.) Twilight's alicorn metabolism made her fall victim to it faster than the rest of the Mane Six. We should probably be thankful that Starlight Glimmer never found this place, or she might have successfully indoctrinated the Bearers.
It's not just you. I don't get it either.
IRL, no, but I'm tempted to chalk it up to earth pony magic preventing the cacti from absorbing too much water.
They should have titled this comic “The Bad and the Ponies.” Someone has probably made that joke already, but it bears repeating.
Explain please!
First of all, it's great to see your lovely mustache again....and oh my, is that a beard I see now?
Second of all, I agree with your theory on the gas: no way Twilight would be that....dense? Is that a nice word for it? I don't wanna be rude
Finally, the fact that you managed to make some cool cards from such a sucky storyline proves that you are excellent at your craft
Nice Linkara homage.
Ah yes, the Message from Fred. A pretty good sign that your story is not in a good place is when the characters start complaining about how contrived it is.
4410181 Wow, you look cool! And a little familiar. Do I know you?
4410227 There are several instances in the comics where Rarity immediately latches on romantically to any remotely attractive male stallion. Like, the instant she sees a male, she's doing everything that a non-adult medium will let her do to convince him to please make sweet love to her.
Contrast the show, where she usually restrains herself to compliments on one's style of dress, seems to only use seduction as a manipulation tactic, and in both cases where we've seen her romantically interested, it was premeditated.
4410215
That seems reasonable, though it does beg the question of why they'd bother. Though I suppose it could be a passive effect.
Yeah, pretty low-hanging fruit. Heck, I made a variant of that joke in the video intro.
4410243
The beard's been there for as long as the mustache; it's just hard to notice when the latter's at full extension.
And yes, "dense" is certainly a charitable way of describing Twilight in this story.
As for making cards out of crap, that's one of the positives of working with Andy Price's art. He does love adding all kinds of fun background gags and dynamic action that makes it easy to find card fodder. Plus, dissecting the plot to show all of its failings means I have a lot of precut chunks ready to use.
4410251
I felt it was the only appropriate way to lead into a comic this bad, especially since he's already done so for the other prime candidate.
4410252
)
Probably not. I appear to have a stock face; strangers think they recognize me with surprising frequency. (Yes, I am a real life background pony.
4410533 Very interesting. Are you sure? Or is it because of a government thing?
4410553
I'm not sure why you'd assume the matter is classified. Suffice to say, unless you live in central New Jersey, it's a coincidence. If you do live in that area, statisitically speaking, it's still probably a coincidence.
4410562 Oh, ok. And as for the government and classified thing, I was going to make a memory wiping joke, but eh. Still, I've kinda always wondered what you looked like.
Ahhh, this one. The point where the main series comics begin to go downhill hard. Reflections was the first warning sign, but at least it had a bunch of cool stuff to make up for some of the 'bleh' bits, but this...and the Everfree one after? Blech.
This also marks where the comics go from 'Taking pains to actually justify why X character doesn't do Y' to just...well, here.
I mean at this point for their 'Here is a BIG THREAT' plots, how do they handle Celestia & Luna?
A. Wrap them up in vines.
B. Turn them to stone.
C. Mind control them.
D. All of the above.
Bleh.
Is that a Dawn of War reference on Capsaicin Shock?
5166215
Indeed. I also made that joke with human Pinkie in Unfriendly Competition.
Let's face it, Pinkie is prime Slaaneshi cultist material.
5166229
It's true, she is. Though with her constant disregard for basic rules of reality, I could see her as Tzeentchian, too.
Or a Harlequin.