Review: Imposing Sovereigns Stories, Warrior pt 1 · 10:27pm Mar 30th, 2017
Recently FanOfMostEverything hosted a little writing contest called Imposing Sovereigns about Princesses being one manner or other of awesome and/or insane. For no real reason beyond 'why not?' I figured, since I'm getting back into the 'reviewing' thing at the same time it was going on, why not go through and check them out. They were divided up into seven categories, I'll do a separate post for the reviews of each group, save for the 'Warrior' category, which will be getting two posts due to how many fics got put in that category. These won't be the same, long, in depth reviews, but the shorter more 'first impression' type ones I talked about doing to try and get more out quicker. If any of them really peak my interest I might go back and do a more in depth review, though not to likely given these are all rather short fics. So background set up, let's look at out first batch of fics, the first of the 'warrior' section.
Pumpkin's Big Adventure: by Deadalus Aegle
One of the most short, direct, and to the point story intro's ever that leads to a story that is exactly what it says on the tin. Pumpkin Cake is now a Princess and she is going on an adventure. Technically this is a sequel to another of his works, but you don't really have to have read that to enjoy this work, about all it would really do is explain how and why Pound Cake is now Princess Flurry Heart's Special Somepony. (I'm assuming, haven't read it either, so I can be sure you don't need to have to get this one.) As to this short little tale, I think iisaw summed it up best
What makes it work is the way it meshes the two together, initially starting out adorable (I had a grin on my face and was laughing in a very 'this is so cute' way nearly every page at the start.) but growing more and more serious as you realize just what is going on. Yet still remaining rather adorable... if you can overlook the terror and fear you have for Pumpkin near the end. By far the best part is Pumpkin herself, she is so dedicated to this quest, so earnest in seeing it through. Her logic is very much the logic of a foal, a child, as is how she is seeing this and the world. Incredibly simple, direct, but not stupid, just, innocent and unaware. I won't say this feels just like we were in the head of a young child, but only due to writing style, how clear, how precise the words and phrasings are. The logic, her actual thoughts, everything she does and goes through, yeah this was an amazing job at getting into the head of a foal in that regard. It was just the very refined, very well done way it was all laid out that didn't fit. Despite the few intentionally mispronounced words. But this is by no means a bad thing. I loved every moment of this short little thing, the only at all, nipicky, pure YMMV detail that kind of fell flat for me was the whole "Herbert in hardship" thing, it just, does not sound good at all. I get it's a gender flipping of Damsel in Distress but, just, the name is so non-pony, and swapping in a name rather then a more general term.... just didn't work for me. But again only even minor little personal quibble.
As to how well it plays into the theme of the overall contest, one simply cannot deny the perfectly sound and irrefutable logic as to why Pumpkin is now a Princess she comes up with, and this is her most certainly being a noble warrior. Showing quite well how well she deserves both of those titles through her dedication and bravery. So very nice, and inventive, use of the writing prompt all around. A fun, simple, enjoyable, and very adorable little story, that still has quite a bit going on under the surface, and it's just as you are realizing the full extent of it the story hits it's peak. Maybe not the deepest, or most epic of stories, but while seeing it play out through Pumpkin's eyes, it certainly feels like a grand, noble, and thoroughly epic journey.
Overall:Great
Flurry's Star: by Lise Eclaire
Flurry Heart is traveling through the stars in search of a world to claim as her own. This is due to a whole lot of backstory, headcanon, and world-building that is delivered fairly well. Giving us enough to fully understand the overall concepts, if not the details. This is also the fics weak point, just how much of it is simply used for getting a general idea of what is going on. The underlying concepts are quite intriguing, I'm not sure I fully agree with some of them, like the whole "Star Pony" thing, or it's take on just what "Equestria has never seen the birth of a natural Alicorn" meant. (For one the assumption that 'Equestria' is the name of the entire planet as well as the Pony nation.) But that is YMMV, the ideas presented are certainly highly inventive, and very unique, and what hesitation I have in really embracing it is likely due to how little detail we get. If we had more time to more fully explore this stuff it could end up working out quite well. But as presented in just this fic, it's simply far to much new stuff all at once to even understand the basic concepts of what is going on to try and digest, to parse through to really get into the story and connect with it.
This also extends to what this story is supposed to be about, all that above, that isn't really what the story is about, it's what is happening, but the story is about Flurry Heart dealing with it and the fallout it's caused between her and her family. But like above, this is all stuff so new, and we are given so little detail, it's hard to really understand her point of view. Why the ponies she is having disagreements with acted like they did. It's all tell, no show. We understand the basic idea, but don't have enough detail to really have an emotional investment.
With regards to how well it fits in with the contest, Flurry is certainly a Princess, and she is definitely imposing and being grand. I do question why this is under the 'warrior' tag, however there really isn't any tag it fits under, if I had to call it something I'd say 'Explorer" fits best. Though I do think trying to stick to the prompt and write this for the contest is what really hurts it. The ideas, the underlying stuff is amazingly vast, inventive, creative, and while I might not agree with some details in regards to how they play into MLP, they are ones I'd still love to see explored a bit, see more of just for how much potential they have. But trying to keep this as a short, character focused story that needs to introduce all this backstory, all these world building elements? It makes it to crowded to actually focus on Flurry Heart herself, and deprives the ideas of room to really grow and reach their potential. While limiting the character stuff to nearly all Tell, little room to Show. As a kind of teaser for some massive epic thing to come that dives into what this sets up.... oh damn would this work so well. But as a stand alone story, not so much.
Overall:Fair
The Principal's Project: by KingMoriarity
If you've been reading my reviews for a bit (again, first and foremost, thank you, secondly (baring Sypher) Y U No Comment mor?) you'll have figured out that when it comes to works like these, stories based on a foundation of existing stories, using existing characters. That above nearly all I feel that they should be true to what is established. That one of my main points in judging a story in these is how well it stays true to canon (baring something like explicit AU, but side point there). I bring this up just to further add the right context for what I am going to say next. I have a very, very hard time seeing this Celestia as the canon one. There are a number of things that, just don't seem to work in her entire attitude and even more about how she acted in the movies that does not work with the way she is presented here. And I do not care, because this take on her is just so much better in nearly ever single way! This is one of the rare, rare cases where I will just out right say, this fic's take on things is purely, totally, fully and in all ways better then canon. I love this Princessciple Celestia. I can give a long, rambling, detailed bit on why I wholly dislike the EQG versions of The Sisters, but that's not really the point here. Short version, I find them to be one of the weakest, and most outright insulting to the original show aspects of EQG, to the point I won't even call them by their 'real' names, they are Tina and Lucy to me. This character though? She fully deserves the name Celestia, she is everything the character in the movies should be. I could gush endlessly about all that this story did right and how much I love this idea, but that's not even what this story is about.
This is about Sunset Shimmer adjusting to the new world she's fled to. Even this, it is so, so damn good. Nuanced, emotive, showing a Sunset that is believable, has that softer, caring side we love her for post-EQG, not just the cliched, two dimensional bully who was a jerk because she was a jerk and nothing more, waste of screentime we got in EQG itself. Everything in this fic is what EQG 1 needed so badly to make it work (that and better writing overall, seriously that thing was more hole then plot.) I want to see more of her, I want to see a sequel, I want to see how she would slip into her darker aspects, give into her lust for power and control. See how this Celestia deals with it, handles watching it happen, why she lets it go on so long. There is so much potential here, so much I'd love to see more of, simply because the story so well captured me and made me care about these characters so much.
Even beyond characters, the story itself is wonderfully written, we can really get into their heads, understand and feel for them, with them, the ideas are amazing and well used. Making the EQG-Verse more like something that fits the show and feels far more connected then the real version. Not just a copy of IRL but in technicolor, but something different, a blend of our world and Equestria where things are different from both. Above that is just how solid the entire thing is, while reading, there were places I had to pause, tilt my head and just "huh, that doesn't make a lot of sense, why isn't she doing X instead?" only for that to end up being addressed, that not being an oversight, but actually the character thinking beyond that and having reasons that did fit well. Everything ties together so well. Plus, the story has the line
"Hi," the only other smart person in the room whispered. "My name's Pinkie Pie. What's yours?"
For as short as it, the Pinkie scene was bucking PERFECT! Okay, enough gushing, time for the negatives.. ummm.... ummm.. well..... it..... maybe..... AH, there was one extremely minor, tiny, insignificant nitpick I can come up with! The way Sunset kept invoking mythical horses in place of stuff like 'oh my god'. No, not that fact she does it, that is amazing and I LOVED the idea, just, the fact it is always a different equine, never reusing one. That could come off a bit trying to hard, making it clear it's to slip in references rather then feeling like a natural phrase. But, again this is just a so tiny, so minor, if I absolutely had to criticize anything about it it would be this but it barely even registers or matters, non-issue. Okay, and also the time displacement thing, it's not fully the story's fault, trying to make sense of the temporal mess EQG created is just something EQG fics are stuck trying to deal with, and time passing differently in the two worlds makes the most sense. It's just the scale of how much faster it went that didn't feel right, also the math doesn't work. Maybe just tone it down to something like an even 10:1 ratio, and have Princesscible Celestia say the book had been in her family for generations, not solely hers. But again minor technical quibble.
As to how it plays into the contest, well this Celestia is a Princess, and even if it was done just to technically stick to the rules, it works so well and adds so much to the character and setting. The lack of her being the focus, instead on Sunset works quite well, as it still allows us to see Celestia's character in a truly great way. From how she's seen by others, also managing to work in some bits of character for Princess Celestia through that. As to being under 'Warrior"... between this and the above fic, I was starting to think that this was just the place all the fics that didn't quite fit in any other category would get put, but a comment from FoME himself put it in perspective and, well, it fits so well. "This was a different sort of battle, a fight not for glory on conquest, but for a soul on the brink of despair and the destruction of herself and others.". A really great way of looking at it, and I loved it.
Overall: Exemplary
Healing Properties, by: Impossible Numbers
What did I just read? That's my first reaction to the story. Another point I want to bring up past reviews to make a point, you all know by now how many times somewhere in the review is me telling the story it needs to show, not tell. Well, not an issue at all in this story, in fact this is the rare story where the exact opposite is true, that proves 'Show don't tell" is a guideline, something to be tried for, but not followed absolutely. Because this story really does a great job of showing what is going on around and inside of Lotus Blossom, but almost no time telling us what in Tartarus any of it means. Everything is so vague, and all of this is brand new stuff, new countries, new nations, new ponies, new rules, new everything and we are not given any real detail beyond what Lotus Blossom things of it all and a few bits of stuff happening around her that go a bit to far in describing stuff without actually saying things directly enough to get what it all means without really, really having to dig through it. There were several spots I had to stop, go back, reread bits, work to try and piece together from the bits we got what was going on, and even then only getting a partial picture.
The story does a good job of showing how ponies, or at least lotus is feeling, and showing how things are around her, but never why they are that way, why stuff is happening like it is, or even just what is going on at times. I still have no clue what kind of fighting this was. Serious, life or death, maiming, slicing, violent war. Or a more 'ponified' version of it, there is talk about shelling and cannonballs, but only once, and that it rarely causes casualties, but whenever we see or hear anything more directly it's just, tame, more basic kicking and punching, incapacitating. More like the whole 'war' between Buffalo and Ponies, something done using very non-serious rules that would never constitute a real fight, and yet are treated deadly serious by both sides. Hell, at one point the way things were being described, it kind of felt like the battles over the islands were done using a very intense version of reverse Capture the Flag rules. That whichever side managed to keep their flag up on it owned it.
We get that Lotus is serious, that life in her nation is all about being grim, dour, borderline depressing. But never why beyond 'tradition', we don't learn anything about these places beyond how much lotus dislikes them. Yet still fights for them. No idea why she hates Equestria so much beyond 'The newspapers say they said bad things about us". We find out Lotus is very much not what a Princess of her nation should be, but never why beyond 'gives a fuck about ponies that aren't nobles, and actually getting things done.' So much happens so quickly without any explanation.. she injured, sent home, banished, back on the front somehow, suddenly goes from a medic to somepony that can order attacks? it all moves so fast with no explanation for any of it. Further, is how this is supposed to fit into the show, given it's not stated or hinted to be an AU. How does this Lotus Blossom turn into the Ponyville day spa mare? Relax that much, change that much? Why no mention of some long, massive war going on? Although given how much larger Equestria is said to be then her country, it might be that what to them is a major war, is to Equestria just a minor border skirmish they barely noticed. Everything about the story has potential to it, but it's hard to see when it's so hard to understand what is going on and why. Stopping like it did does not help at all.
Prompt wise. Well Lotus IS a Princess here, and she is without doubt Imposing by the end, as well as quite the warrior. But trying to cram so much set up into so small a space does not work well, especially when it does not use that space well, spending long passages describing stuff in detail, without every actually getting around to giving the details that actually tell us plainly what it is. The story does do an amazing job at getting you to feel the emotions, but not at understanding why they have them.
Overall: Fair
A Canterlot 'Mending, by: River Road
Ohhhhhh boy... let's just lay it out right at the start. This is a combination Fix Fic and Accusation Fic that fully rewrites the events of A Canterlot Wedding from the rehearsal fiasco onwards, and never misses a chance to take a dig at how bad Celestia is at everything short of rising the sun. Do I need to say much more to get my opinion of it across? Guess I should though. Let's start with the opening premise of dumping on the Mane 6 sans Twilight for that whole "They didn't learn their lesson from Lesson Zero" thing. No, they did, they were not dismissing Twilight's issues out of hoof simply because they didn't think they were important. They tried to talk to her about it, and Twilight was the one being wholly irrational. There wasn't a damn thing they could say that would have changed her mind, this was not the same situation in the slightest. Or beyond the accusation/fix stuff, just how much the story tries to cram in. Just tossing everything it can from later canon into things. In some cases, this really works, helps built up the story, make it feel even more connected to the world to have these events that would be there at the time, but were not known about when it aired. But this story over does it, it doesn't feel like a natural flow of events, like this is just all part of the world, it feels forced in for the sake of references.
Then there is the whole ascension thing and how it handles that, omitting that in both cases, it was not some random 'they absorbed X amount of magical power' deal, it was both of them achieved a level of enlightenment no pony had before on a virtue. It was that, displaying and reaching that level, becoming the next best thing to a living paragon of Love/Friendship respectfully that caused them to ascend. Here, it's just 'zap them with enough magic in the right way'. Even worse in the epilogue chapter that seemed to be tacked on for no reason but to rub everyone's face in how much a certain character should become an alicorn for some reason, despite her REALLY not deserving it at this point in the story at all. The story just ignores anything established for what it thinks should have happened, while taking whatever digs it can at the actual facts and characters. Just how hard Twilight had to fight to get Moondancer to even come close to forgiving her and dealing with the past? Just how much it took to get through to her, the passion, dedication, the shear effort she put in, simply to try and fix a past mistake... that wasn't even a mistake really!? Nope, none of the matters, Twilight just had to say "I'm sorry", spin Moondancer a sob story about how she had a crappy last two days, and all better.
Just, the whole story is a mess of stuff tossed in just because it seemed cool, without regards to how it works in the larger context of the setting, digs at said established stuff, including Twilight herself, forced in references to later stuff, and attempts to show just how much better the Canterlot unicorns are then the Re-Mane 5. To the point of effortlessly replacing them as Elements of Harmony Bearers.
That said, there was a lot of good stuff here too. Yet another call back to general themes in reviews, I care more for what a story is about the how it is written. And well, all of that is how much I thoroughly dislike what it is about, and for more reasons then listed. How it's written though.... I will admit it was damn good. Fun, quirky, whenever I wasn't groaning and facepalming at what the story was doing, I was chuckling and grinning at the ponies interacting. A lot of it hurts, but also helps the story though, there are bits and an overall tone that at times pushes the boundary of being absurd, and in a fic that wasn't taking itself seriously, damn this would be really fun. When the story is just having Twilight and her Canterlot Friends hanging out and interacting, it was damn good (baring when it was used as a dig at canon stuff). The style is fun, witty at times, and I will admit, I loved the opening, the whole bit about space, how Twilight was feeling. It was incredibly well written, evocative, and made me think I was going to love the fic... right up until what was causing this and where the story was going sunk in. The writing was really enjoyable and I did love that aspect, if only it wasn't being used for a story meant just to tear down existing canon and replace it with something 'better' all while bemoaning how bad certain characters are and how much better these ones are.
As to the Prompt, well it is Twilight becoming a Princess at the end, even if it kind of ruins that event in how it happens here and ignores the key points. Technically it is her being a 'warrior' after that, though the phrase 'Mary Sue' comes to mind more then anything for how the story went after that point. One final note, in case anyone was wondering why I praised Principle and called it better then canon, while disliked this for trying to be. That story never tried to tear down anything, never tried to claim it was better. It didn't actually alter any facts, it built on what we had to expand on tow characters that woefully needed more to them due to how flat they were in the story. Gave them added depth, and the only reason I say I can't really see this being the canon Tina, is because this character does not seem incompetent enough to do the dumb stuff Tina does in the movies. This fic, goes out of it's way to bring down the canon story and characters, and prop up ti's own version and it's own characters as better.
Overall: Poor.
So, that's the first load of reviews done for this project. Two fics that were good, solid ideas that had a lot of potential, but were limited and brought down by being constrained to the event's time and size limits. Two really good stories all around (one of them being really amazing). Plus one fic that had some great writing, used to tell a very, very not great story. Looking forward to what else this has in store, and hopped you like this shorter style that gets you more reviews over my usual long, drawn out walls o' text. To close this out, what better way to celebrate stories devoted to Princess being awesome badasses, then with a simply amazing and epic music set dedicated to the glory and majesty of Equestria's Alicorns.
Great review, thanks a lot
4477665 You're very welcome, thank you for the very fun and exciting story.
First of all, thank you for the review. Always a pleasure to receive helpful critical feedback.
Second of all, I'm both surprised and not surprised by your verdict on my piece. I'm surprised because the review reads as notably negative for something marked as "Fair"; though you do mention where the "show" works in conveying the particulars of such things as Lotus' thoughts, this is overwhelmed by the long passages about the "tell" problems. Besides, incoherence strikes me as a major flaw in a story, and not something that would merit a "Fair" ranking, though that might just be me.
On the other hand, I'm not surprised. That's because Healing Properties was the result of a last-minute rush involving an off-the-cuff idea that sounded crazy the moment I came up with it, but by that point I was too close to the deadline to reconsider. It seems to be a recurring problem in my latest fics: relying too much on showing things without giving a specific context that would make sense of them. I've received similar criticism for Metal Celestia.
Unfortunately, I find it hard to pin down what's obscure to a casual reader. I notice the random names thrown around, and one or two transitions are jumpy, but because I know what they are, I find it hard to imagine a reader encountering them for the first time. This is the Curse of Knowledge, I'm afraid. Definitely something I'm going to have to target if I continue this story.
As for Lotus' strange character, I did have a much longer arc in mind that would transition from warrior princess to spa owner, though as you can guess it surpassed the word limit already. Certainly, that arc isn't evident from the crammed snippet currently on display. In my defence though, we know very little about canon Lotus - she barely appears, let alone interacts with anyone - so I don't think it's that big a stretch. This might just be the Curse of Knowledge speaking, though.
All in all, an insightful review I will refer back to. Much obliged.
Much as I enjoy your little bait-and-switch thing that follows this sentence, I feel I should point out that the story is tagged AU. I was most certainly not trying to sell Celestia dé Sol as being the same person as Principal Cindy.
I'm actually not sure which moments those would be. Care to share some with the class?
It is definitely an overzealous response to the constant "Oh my Celestia!" that cannot be escaped in fanfiction. In my defense, I was trying to emphasize a polytheistic model of Equestria, wherein they have a full pantheon of gods. Took a lot of inspiration from the Asterix comics. Seriously, those guys swear by at least eight different gods every book.
4477771 Well for me, the rank below 'Fair' is 'Poor' and to get that a fic generally needs to have something in it that I just outright did not like. Do something just plain wrong. Yours, I was never
OH COME ON! or feeling the urge to facepalm at anything. Just, kind of lost over what was going on. The overall ideas seemed decent, just ill explained. I tend to put more weight on what a story is about, what is going on in it, then how it's written. So a fic that has good underlying ideas, is trying to do something interesting and that I do kind of like, but just not conveying those ideas well is still worth a look and not really all that 'bad' so tends to get more slack from me. Versus a well written fic that is about things I just plain dislike the idea of. And I did like the ideas in the story, or at least what I could understand of them. Just, well the issues I went on about kind of got in the way of really enjoying the story. I would certinly like to see things continue on and see how Aloe and Lotus end up the ponies we know, and biggest advice would be to slow down a bit, and take to explain things. Maybe get a pre-reader/editor that you don't talk to about what you know and see how they react.
4477781
Oops..
Did not notice that tag, still aside from de Sol being far more competent seeming then Tina, this works SO well without even having to consider it AU. I'd love to see more of this Universe, see how she deals with Sunset slipping back into her old ways, how things would progress here.
The biggest one being "You've never heard of placement exams?" And just tossing Sunset into random classes to somehow judge what she knows. It seemed kind of ludicrous at the time, and yet her reasoning for it made perfect sense and really worked. As well as just, little things she said or did that in hindsight, make such perfect sense once you know the whole story.
The multiple deities thing, like I said I loved the idea, and that first had me so damn happy and THAT WAS AWESOME!
It was more a 'if I really, really, had to pick SOMETHING about the story to nitpick...." type thing then any real issue.
What rating scale are you using?
4477865 Oh... right.. keep forgetting I haven't posted that here.. started doing these on Tumblr and had a little sub page for that, will have to address that.
Basically just how much I like them, etc.... don't really like numbers tend to be to.. dry and iffy, so more something mostly modeled on SF Debris rating system for non Star Trek works.
Exemplary>Incredible>Great>Good>Fair>Poor>Bad>Horrible
Great to see these stories getting some review love! I wish I'd been able to properly enter. I'm hoping I'll get to do some pleasure reading here once I finally get my backlog of ponyfic tasks cleared out, but in the meantime, at least I can vicariously appreciate the stories.
For "Herbert in Hardship", I think it wasn't meant to refer to the phrase "damsel in distress" so much as the trope-codifier, The Perils of Pauline.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Perils_of_Pauline_(1914_serial)
Seems the review of my fic will be in the next part. I am curious what you'll think.
4478520 Well yay, thanks, hope you enjoy.
4478783 No idea, but does sound right. Just either way, it's less what it's based on then just how, out of place it sounds in the story. But still just a minor 'meh' bit in a great, fun story.
4478785 *one quick check of which one that is later......
Ah, yup, and it's next on my list to read too, hopefully won't have to wait to long, ideally going to try and get at least one group of reviews done a week.
Thanks for doing this review series! And for yet another excuse to expand my bookshelves.
4481264 And thank you for checking it out. Next group is going better then I though (4/5 done, just gotta finish reading the last fic in the group) so should have that up soon, aiming for tomorrow. Glad you enjoy the idea, and yeah so far most of these stories are well worth a read.